Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

The phrase "Comparison is the thief of joy" is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt and it means that comparing yourself to others and judging yourself unfavorably often leads to unhappiness (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others).

Comparisons and Judgment on Social Media

These issues have become increasingly problematic now that people compare their looks, their partners, their success and everything else about their life on social media.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

Many people compare and judge themselves in ways that lead to shame, anxiety and depression, and other similar problems, especially among teens and young adults.

More and more people are realizing they need to take breaks from social media if they want to maintain their mental health. 

What Are the Negative Effects of Comparisons and Judgment?

Whether comparisons and judgment occur on social media or in real life, the negative consequences include (but not limited to):

• Feeling envious of others 

• Feeling dissatisfied with yourself

• Feeling inadequate 

• Having a poor body image (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Acceptance Can Help With Body Acceptance)

• Depression

• Feeling worthless

• Feeling unlovable

• Anxiety

• Hopelessness

• Low self esteem
  

• Shame
  

Comparison and Judgment Often Starts Early in Childhood

In her book, Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski writes that, even more than comparison, the real thief of joy is judgment.

I see many clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice who are unhappy because they compare and judge themselves unfavorably to others.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

In many cases this began when their parents compared and judged them, as young children, unfavorably to other children:

    "Why can't you get better grades like your older brother?" 

    "Look how outgoing your friend Mary is. Why can't you be more like her?"

Although most parents don't mean to harm their children, when parents give labels to their children, children feel inadequate (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

A common example of this is when parents engage in labeling and splitting by saying to their daughters, "Gina, you're the pretty one and Ann, you're the smart one."

Not only can this pit siblings against each other, but these comparisons often cause each child to want the attributes they feel they're lacking and believe their sibling has.

What often happens is that the one who is told she's the pretty one longs to be the smart one and the one who is told she's smart one longs to be the pretty one.

I've had clients look back on their childhood photos and report cards many years later and they realized that these destructive comparisons were false.

Regardless of how their parents labeled them, they discovered years later that both they and their sibling were equally attractive and smart, but their parents created this "split" between the siblings.  

How to Overcome the Tendency to Compare and Judge Yourself Unfavorably to Others

Usually by the time people come to see me for therapy, they have been traumatized by lifelong comparisons and judgments that began early in life by their parents, which they internalized and continued to do to themselves as adults.

If this type of problem hasn't reached the level of trauma where you need a mental health professional, there are some self help tips that might be helpful:

• Develop Self Awareness: Begin to notice when you're comparing and judging yourself.

• Identity Your Triggers: Become aware of what types of situations trigger these negative thoughts and feelings in you.

• Self Reflect and Focus on Your Strengths: You have unique strengths. Instead of focusing on what you think you don't have, as compared to others, focus on your strengths that you do have (see my article: What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?).

Reflect on Your Positive Traits and Strengths

• Keep a Gratitude Journal: When you keep a gratitude journal, you learn to shift your focus from feelings of inadequacy, shame and envy to feelings of gratitude for what you do have (see my article: How to Keep a Gratitude Journal).

• Have a Talk With Your Inner Critic: Your inner critic was probably formed when you were young when you internalized the negative messages you received. It's only one part of you and it's often a sad and neglected part that wants attention. Although you can't get rid of any part of yourself, you can transform that part with love and attention which can help to soften it. But even if that part doesn't soften, you can ask it to step aside so it doesn't have a direct impact on you while you're working to strengthen your sense of self. Once your sense of self has been strengthened, even if that part continues to be critical, when you come from a stronger sense of self, you won't automatically believe that critical part.

                See my articles: 

• Making Friends With Your Inner Critic
• 
  
• How Parts Work Can Empower You

• Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts

• Only Compare Yourself to Yourself: Focus on your own progress instead of comparing yourself to others and judging yourself. For instance, if you go to the gym, instead of comparing yourself to a gym member who is more advanced than you and who can lift heavier weights track your own progress or give yourself credit for going to the gym.

• Limit Your Exposure to Social Media: Become aware of how you are affected by social media and reduce your time so you're not getting triggered as much. Some people have taken themselves off social media for periods of time to stop getting triggered and strengthen their sense of self.

• Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises: Meditation and breathing exercises can help you to reduce the stress and anxiety that often comes with comparisons and self judgment.

Conclusion

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy.

If your problem isn't related to unresolved trauma, you can try to identify and overcome the triggers related to unfavorably comparisons and judgment. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you and you think your problems are related to unresolved trauma, consider getting help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through any underlying trauma contributes to your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How a Woman's Negative Body Image Can Affect 1ntimacy in a Relationship and How Therapy Can Help

Both men and women can be affected by a negative body image, but it's more common among women (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

What is a Negative Body Image For Women?

A negative body image refers to body dissatisfaction and a preoccupation with what women perceive as "bodily flaws" and "imperfections."

A Woman With a Negative Body Image

This means women are often unhappy about how they look, so they think they must change their body in terms of size and/or shape.  

How Does a Negative Body Image Develop For Women?

Western culture tends to value girls' and women's bodies that are young and thin.  

This is easily observed in social media, like Instagram, in magazines and many other forms of media (see my article: How to Stop Negatively Comparing Yourself to Others).

Girls and women get the message early on that, in order to appear attractive, they must strive to maintain a youthful and thin appearance or they won't be desirable.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Start at a Young Age

Unfortunately, many girls get the same message in their homes where one or both parents, grandparents or siblings criticize them for not having what they consider the "ideal" body.  

Women's romantic and sexual partners might also be critical of a woman's body--even if they try to frame their criticism as "I'm just trying to help you."

All of this criticism about body image can cause self consciousness, shame and guilt as women strive to live up to a standard of beauty that is often unattainable for most people.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Mental Health?

Girls and women who feel unattractive because their body doesn't look a particular way are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, low self esteem and eating disorders.

They might develop anxiety about social situations where they fear they'll be judged.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Mental Health

They might also avoid going to the beach because they feel too ashamed of people looking at them critically in a bathing suit.

They might also avoid dating and/or sexual encounters because they fear their body will be judged.

All of this social avoidance can leave them feeling isolated and lonely.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship?

A negative body image can have a negative impact on emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship.

Women who feel ashamed of their body might avoid having sex for fear of being judged by their partner or, if they have sex, they might be too anxious and self conscious to enjoy it. 

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Relationship

If they do have sex with a partner, they might just go through the motions and hope to get through sex as quickly as possible.

They might also project their dissatisfaction with their body onto their romantic and sexual partners, which can cause women to believe that their partner feels disgusted by their body when, in fact, this often isn't the case.

All of this can lead to poor relationship and sexual satisfaction for both partners. 

In many cases, the woman might be too ashamed to talk about her poor body image issues so that the partner might assume that her emotional and sexual avoidance is due to her finding him less attractive and desirable.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette shows the impact of a woman's negative body issues and how sex therapy can help:

June and Mark

When June was growing up, her mother would monitor everything that she ate from the time June was 10 years old.  

Her mother was also preoccupied with her own food consumption and weight. She would exercise several times a day to burn off the calories she ingested.

Her mother would often caution June not to eat too much, "If you eat too much and get fat, the boys won't like you."

June's older sister, Marie, who was tall and thin, would also criticize June when they were both teenagers, "You're too fat. You need to go on a diet."

Even though June's doctor told her and her mother that June was a normal weight for her age, June continued to hear criticism about being fat from both her mother and sister while her father remained silent on the topic.

By the time June was in her early 30s and in a serious relationship with Mark, she worried that he would find her unattractive--even though he reassured her many times that he found her very attractive.

Due to her negative body image, she never initiated sex, which was a source of contention between her and Mark. 

Even though she knew objectively that Mark wouldn't reject her because he never did, on an emotional level she feared that he wouldn't want to have sex with her if she was the one who initiated. She felt that if he initiated sex, she knew he wanted to be sexual and she wouldn't have to face his rejection, even though she knew this was irrational.

No matter how much Mark tried to reassure June that he loved her and he found her very attractive, she couldn't overcome her fear.

During sex, June felt so ashamed of her body that she just wanted them to get through it as quickly as possible so she could cover herself up. 

After a while, Mark felt less inclined to initiate sex, so weeks and months went by where they weren't having sex.

When they began talking about moving in together, Mark brought up their nonexistent sex life and suggested they get help in sex therapy before they considered living together.

Although June felt hesitant to attend sex therapy because she didn't know what to expect, she agreed to attend these sessions with Mark to salvage their relationship.

During sex therapy sessions, their sex therapist told them how common it is for women to have a negative image of their body.

She also explained to them that sex therapy is a form of talk therapy and there would be no physical touch, nudity or physical exams during their sessions.

Their sex therapist worked with them as a couple and she also had individual sessions with June and Mark.

During June's family history session, June realized how her upbringing affected her perception of her body.  

Their sex therapist also helped June to challenge these views through Ego States Therapy, also known as Parts Work Therapy, by asking the critical part of herself to step aside and relax so that the positive parts of herself could be strengthened and help to affirm her body image (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

Their therapist also helped June to use mindfulness and self compassion to deal with her negative perception of her body (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

She also helped June to focus on sexual pleasure during solo sex and sex with Mark instead of focusing on her body as the couple resumed having sex again.

Gradually, June developed body self acceptance and a positive erotic self (see my articles: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

After a while, June felt comfortable enough with her body to initiate sex with Mark so that sex was more pleasurable for both of them.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but both June and Mark were motivated to attend sessions and make changes.

Over time, June and Mark's emotional bond and sexual relationship were strengthened.

Whenever June felt the negative part of herself that was critical of her body creeping in, she gently asked it to step aside so the healthier parts of herself could take precedence.  

After a while, the part of herself that was critical of her body came up less and less until it stopped altogether.

Mark also learned in sex therapy how to be more sexually affirming of June in the way he related to her.

Their successful work in sex therapy enabled them to move in together and have a satisfying emotional and sexual connection.

Conclusion

Men and women can have negative feelings about their body.  For men, this might include shame about penis size, height and other physical characteristics and distortions.

This article focuses on women's negative body issues, which can develop at an early age, because negative body issues are more prevalent among women.

A negative body image which is affecting emotional and sexual intimacy is a common issue  that is dealt with in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Whether you are single or in a relationship, if you're suffering with a negative body issue, you're not alone.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If a negative body issue is having an impact on how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or physical contact during sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individuals and couples are helped in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance

I began a discussion about the challenges of having a negative body image in a prior article (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

In the current article I'm focusing on how mindfulness and self compassion can help with body acceptance.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

How Western Culture Perpetuates Women's Body Shame

Women are bombarded with messages on social media, TV, the movies and magazines about how their bodies should look.  

When women feel their bodies don't conform to these images, they feel ashamed of their bodies. This also affects sense of self worth and how they interact in relationships. 

Helpful Tips:

The following tips can be helpful in the process of going from a negative body image to body acceptance:

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women Who Have "Perfect" Bodies: Obviously, there's no such thing as a "perfect" body.  But you might have an ideal image you're comparing yourself to when you look at other people.  Instead of comparing your body to the bodies you see at the gym, on social media or in other places, find aspects of your body that you like.  Western culture gives subtle and not so subtle messages that women should compare themselves unfavorably to other women.  This is a form of misogynistic manipulation that keeps women competing instead of supporting each other.

• Become Aware of Who Cashes In ($$$) On Your Negative Body Image: Fatphobia,  the stigmatization of weight gain and the idealization of thinness keep women feeling insecure about their bodies and makes them easy marketing targets in a capitalistic society. Ask yourself who benefits from your negative beliefs about your body.  There are plenty of industries, including the fitness and diet industries, that cash in on women feeling ashamed of their bodies. They often foster unrealistic expectations to keep women feeling insecure and willing to buy their products and services in an effort to have the "ideal body."

• Become Aware of the Intergenerational Impact of a Negative Body Image:  The messages about body image are so pervasive that it's difficult not to internalize them. Once you have accepted these negative messages that your body should look a certain way, these beliefs perpetuate themselves and become an intergenerational problem where mothers can unconsciously pass them on to their daughters. As a result, that the trauma continues from one generation to the next. Make a commitment to let is stop with you.

• Find Ways to Enjoy and Appreciate Your Body As It Is: If you look at yourself in the mirror, can you find at least one thing that you like about yourself? Find inspiration by focusing on the things your body can do instead of how your body looks.  Even if you are differently abled or have certain limitations, you can find ways to appreciate your body as it is.  For instance, learn to appreciate that your body is able to pump thousands of barrels of blood throughout your lifetime.  Similarly, think about how amazing it is that body has millions of cells interacting with each other everyday to keep you healthy.

• Be As Compassionate to Yourself As You Would Be to a Close Friend: Practice being kind and compassionate to yourself in the same way you would be to a close friend. Show particular kindness to the parts of your body that you don't like. For instance, if you don't like your abdomen, be kind to it by giving it a gentle massage with your favorite lotion after a shower.  In this way you can tend and befriend your body just the way it is right now.

How Mindfulness Can Help With Body Acceptance: If you want to overcome a negative body image, you can learn to use mindfulness to become more aware of how you're continuing to give yourself negative messages and learn to let go of these thoughts.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

Mindfulness is a state of awareness you can use so you can become aware of the negative messages you give to yourself about your body. 

To begin your mindfulness practice:

• Get into a relaxed state in a private quiet place by slowing down your breathing (see my article: How to Practice Square Breathing).

• Become aware of the thoughts going through your mind and whenever you have a negative thought about your body (or anything else about yourself), imagine you're putting each negative thought on a cloud and watching it float away.

• Don't criticize yourself for having negative thoughts about your body.  Instead, be compassionate and gently let each thought go.

Body Acceptance is a Process

Body acceptance probably won't help overnight, but if you keep practicing mindfulness and self compassion, you can begin to let go of the negative messages you give yourself and learn to accept and appreciate your body as it is.

Body Acceptance is a Process

This article focused on women.  However, many men also suffer from body image problems and the tips offered in this article can be helpful to them too.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.