NYC Psychotherapist Blog

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Saturday, November 18, 2017

Are You Considering Starting Over With You Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed

After a breakup, it's common for one or both people to consider whether they should get back together again.  While there are times when the two of you might have been hasty about breaking up, there are definitely times when you should consider thinking twice before getting back with your ex (see my articles: Toxic RelationshipsRelationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer AllCoping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible, and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Considering Starting Over With Your Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed
Reasons to Think Twice About Getting Back With Your Ex
  • You're Afraid That You'll Never Be in Another Relationship Again:  Related to fear of being alone, a fear that you'll never enter into another relationship can cause you to make a bad decision.
  • You Only Want to Get Back With Your Ex For Sex:  This consideration by itself isn't a good enough reason for getting back together.  You might miss the sex, but ask yourself if it's worth getting back into a relationship where there were serious problems.
  • You're in Denial About the Problems in Your Former Relationship:  Once fear, loneliness and hopelessness set in, it's very easy to fool yourself into minimizing the problems in your relationship.  Denial can be very powerful, and you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak (Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).
  • Nostalgia is Clouding Your Thinking About Your Former Relationship:  This is a form of denial (see above).  When you're nostalgic about a relationship that was unhealthy for you, it usually means that you're only thinking about the good times without considering the bad times.  But the reality is that if your relationship didn't work out because of unhealthy aspects, chances are that you're going to be facing those problems again after the initial stage of getting back together.
  • You've Grown Accustomed to an On-Again-Off-Again Relationship:  You might not have liked the nature of your on-again-off-again relationship, but you might be used to it because the breakups happened so frequently.  These kinds of relationships rarely end well.  Even when you're both willing to get back together again, after a while, the unstable nature of the relationship erodes any good feelings.  After a while, even when you're in a "good phase"in the relationship, you know that a breakup will come again eventually (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On-Again-Off-Again Relationship).
  • You're Jealous Because Your Ex is Dating Someone New:  This is definitely not a good reason to get back with your ex.  When you broke up, you each probably knew that you would both move on to seeing other people.  If you get back together with your ex to stop him or her from seeing other people, you're just going to end up back in the same place again.

Consider Thinking Twice Before You Get Back With Your Ex
There are lots of other reasons why you shouldn't get back together again, including emotional and physical abuse.

I think that deep down most people who end an unhealthy relationship know that they shouldn't get back with their ex, but they might not be admitting it to themselves.

When you know that your relationship was unhealthy for you and you still want to get back with your ex, there are usually other underlying reasons that might be out of your awareness.

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people who come to see me about unhealthy relationships have already talked to their friends so many times about it that their friends are tired of hearing about it.

Hearing your friends tell you to "Just don't call him" or "Just don't call her" and hearing the exasperation and judgment in their voices can make you feel very ashamed.

Your friends are probably not going to understand the underlying reasons that are causing you to want to get back into an unhealthy relationship, so it's important to get help in therapy before you make a mistake and get hurt again.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the underlying reasons and provide you with tools to take care of yourself so you can make better decisions for yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than having conversations with your friends that go in circles or suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help from a licensed psychotherapist will help you to making healthier choices and feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to develop insight into their problems, make healthier relationship choices, and develop healthier self esteem.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.