How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

The first step in quieting your overthinking mind is becoming aware of what you're worrying about and how it's affecting you.

How is Your Overthinking Mind Affecting You?

Worrying can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

Take a step back and notice your thought patterns. When you have a moment to yourself, do you use it to relax or do something you enjoy or do you engage in repetitive thinking where you worry about whether you forgot to perform a task or if you overestimated how much someone likes you or something else you worry about?

If you tend to engage in worrying, notice how it affects your mood and how it affects your life. What's the primary emotion behind your overthinking? Are you feeling irritable, nervous or guilty? 

Being aware of the effect of overthinking also includes having bodily awareness. This means you notice your bodily responses, which might include tense shoulders, feeling tightness in your chest or clenching in your stomach--just to give a few possible examples.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

When you're aware of how you're thinking and the impact it's having on you, you have a better chance of changing it.

What Are Some Tips to Stop Overthinking?

• Distract Yourself With An Activity You Enjoy: Go to your favorite workout class or take up a new hobby. Whatever you choose, make it something that will occupy your mind.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Breathe: Learn square breathing to calm yourself. This can also take your mind off whatever you're ruminating about.  

• Meditate: Mindfulness meditation can help you to quiet your mind and be in the present moment rather than worrying about other things.

• Develop a Broader Perspective: To gain perspective on non-urgent matters, ask yourself if you will care about this non-urgent matter in five or ten years. By gaining a broader perspective, you can learn to prioritize other matters that are more important.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Help Others: Rather than worrying, consider helping others. For instance, your friend who has a young child might appreciate a break if you watch her child. You can also volunteer to help those less fortunate than yourself.

• Learn to Reframe Your Negative Thoughts: Instead of going to the worst case scenario, reframe your thoughts to consider possible positive outcomes (see my article: Develop a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Validate Yourself For Your Successes: Instead of focusing on things you feel you didn't get right or things you worry about not getting right in the future, acknowledge and validate your successes--no matter how small (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Take Action: Instead of worrying about the things you have done or haven't done, take action to do things you can take care of now. This can be empowering and give you a sense of accomplishment.

• Embrace Your Fears: Learn to accept that some things will always be out of your control and, instead of trying to push your fears away, embrace them.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Practice Self Compassion: Shift your thoughts and feelings from worrying to practicing self compassion.

Get Help in Therapy: 

If you have been unable to quiet your overthinking mind with self help tips, consider getting help in therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking so you can live a more fulfilling life,

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to forget what you need to do to be a good partner.  Even though it might not be your intention, you could stop doing the necessary things to sustain your relationship. 

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

If you're not currently in a relationship but you would like to be in one, developing your relationship skills will help you to find a compatible partner.

Tips on How to Be a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Be Honest: Honesty is a trait that most people mention when asked what they value in a partner.  This means when you meet someone who is a potential partner that you're honest and upfront about what you're looking for so no one feels they are wasting their time. If you're looking to date casually, say so.  If you want to be in a relationship, say that.  Too many people hesitate to say what they really want in the beginning and this causes problems later on.  Honesty can come with tact and empathy for the other person, but it's better to be upfront about your needs.  Once you're in a relationship, take time every so often to talk about how things are going.  By communicating in this way, you get to address small problems before they become big ones (see my article: Be Honest With Your Partner).

• Be Trustworthy and Keep Your Promises: Along with being honest, being trustworthy and keeping your promises is another trait that many people mention when they talk about traits in a partner they want. Have integrity (see my article: Keep Your Promises).

• Be a Good Listener: Many people who are in a relationship are so eager for their chance to be able to say what they want that they don't listen to their partner. If you're unclear about anything your partner is saying, ask for clarification.  

• Practice Responding Instead of Reacting: Relationships take work and can be stressful at times.  Taking a moment or two to respond can keep a disagreement from becoming a big argument (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Practice Self Validation: Being attuned to your own needs is important when you're in a relationship, especially if you have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Although you're in a relationship, you also need to validate yourself as an individual (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

• Grow as an Individual: Many people lose their sense of individuality once they have entered into a relationship.  Rather than becoming fused with your partner, maintain your friendships, interests and explore areas where you want to grow (see my articles: Losing Yourself in a Relationship, Resist the Urge to Merge and Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• Practice Validating Your Partner: Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting your partner's emotional experience--even if you don't agee with the content of what they are saying (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Use Emotional Validation Skills With Your Partner).

• Spend Quality Time Together: Although it can be difficult to find the time, you and your partner need to spend quality time together--just the two of you (see my articles: Creating Special Times Together in a Relationship and Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• Develop an Understanding of Your Attachment Style and How It Affects Your Relationship: (see my articles:  What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• Express Gratitude to Your Partner: (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Set Relationship Goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

• Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Many people don't feel comfortable or don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  Sex in a relationship can change over time both physically and emotionally, so it's important to know how to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time and What is Good Sex?).

• Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Live Together: Aside from sex, money is another topic that many couples don't feel comfortable talking about. But this is such an important topic that it shouldn't be neglected (see my articles: Talk About Money Before You Get Married or Live Together and Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships).

Conclusion

Whether you're in a long term relationship, just starting a relationship or you want to be in a relationship at some point, developing the necessary skills to be a good partner is important to developing and sustaining your relationship.

Just like you develop any other skill, you can learn to be a better partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people didn't grow up in a family where they saw good relationship skills modeled for them.

Whether you attend individual therapy to work on your own issues or couples therapy to deal with relationship issues, you can learn to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop as an individual and as a partner so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Validation?

I have been focusing on emotional validation in relationships in my last two articles (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

The current article will focus on validating your own internal experience, which is called self validation.

What is Self Validation?

Self validation is when see, understand, respect, and accept your internal experience.  This includes your thoughts and feelings.

Self Validation

Self validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts and feelings are objectively true.  In other words, you might have a particular experience (thoughts and feelings) at the moment, but your perception might not be accurate.

You might not have all the information related to the situation and you might experience it differently when you do have all the information (see my article: Discovering That Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts).

Nevertheless, you are entitled to have these emotions given what you thought at the time. By self validating, instead of being critical of yourself or feeling ashamed, you accept that your feelings were normal given what you believed at the time.

How to Practice in Self Validation

There are many ways to practice self validation. 

Here are a few ways you might find helpful?

    Practice Mindfulness Meditation

Developing a mindfulness meditation practice can help you when you are learning to self validate your internal experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

If you're a beginner to mindfulness meditation, you can try Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn's recording, "Mindfulness For Beginners."

Self Validation

When you practice mindfulness, you're observing and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment.  

This takes practice.  Your thoughts will wander, but you just bring your attention back to noticing your internal experience--no matter how many times it takes.  

In addition, if you're accustomed to being critical of yourself, you will probably do that at first.

Over time, you can develop the capacity to sit with even painful emotions without judgment (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation to Cope With Painful Emotions). 

    Treat Yourself the Same Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend

Imagine that their best friend was having the same internal experience that find difficult to accept in yourself.

Self Validation

• Would you judge your best friend?  
• What would you say to your best friend to comfort them?
• Can you try saying the same thing to yourself?

This type of reframing is called a cognitive interweave.  It's often used in EMDR therapy to work on trauma.  It's also used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

A cognitive interweave is a strategy used by therapists to help clients when the clients get stuck in emotional loops that go round and round during processing in therapy. If this looping isn't dealt with, it will get in the way of the client moving forward in therapy.

    

    Recognize and Acknowledge the Many Internal Parts Within Yourself

In a prior article, Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself That Make You Who You Are, I discussed the idea that each person has many different parts, which are also called self states. 

The term self states was coined by Dr. Philip Bromberg, a New York psychoanalyst, in his book, Standing in the Spaces. 

Self states are experienced internally as different ways of being, feeling and thinking, and this is normal.

An example of this would be: "Part of me feels sad that I can't to the party, but another part of me feels glad to stay inside in the comfort of my home." 

You can fill in any emotions.  Both emotions are true and valid even though they contradict each other.  

The point is that even though people tend to think of themselves as unitary beings, everyone is made up of many different internal parts.

In terms of self validation for difficult emotions--whether it's anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, and so on--it helps to be able to step back, as you would during a mindfulness meditation, and recognize that whatever uncomfortable emotion you're feeling, this emotion is just a part of you.  It might be a big part, but it's not all of you (see my article: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You Feel Sad?).

For instance, many people are familiar with the concept of the inner child, a term which was  coined by Dr. Carl Jung.  The term inner child is a metaphor.

When an experiential therapist does Parts Work Therapy (also called Ego States Therapy), they often help clients to externalize these parts so the parts can have a dialogue--whether it's the inner child and the adult self or two other parts (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

When you can use a part of you to observe another vulnerable part, you usually feel more self compassion for the vulnerable part.  

For instance, sticking with the example of the inner child: 

If you want to heal a traumatized part of yourself that holds the emotional pain of a childhood trauma, you can tap into your experience as an adult, realizing that you are no longer that traumatized child.

A phrase I often use with clients when I'm doing Parts work in this way is "That was then" (referring to the traumatized part).  "And this is now" (referring to the adult part).  

This helps to distinguish the younger, vulnerable part from the more capable adult part who, unlike the younger child part, knows that you survived the ordeal and you're now an adult--even though you might have moments when you feel like the traumatized child.

You can imagine the adult part asking the younger part what they need.  Then, with the help of a Parts Work therapist, you can switch your awareness from the adult part to the younger part to answer ("I need to feel seen"). 

Switching your awareness again to the adult self, you can imagine that part telling the younger part that they see and care about the younger part.  Then, switch again to take that in as the younger part.  And so on.

Eventually, there is an integration of the two parts so that the younger part is assimilated and is no longer a separate part that can be triggered.

If you know that traumatic feelings are "held" by a younger part, you can more easily validate that experience.  Instead of being judgmental whenever emotions related to the trauma come up, you can feel empathy for that younger part of you.

    Remember Other Times When You Overcame Difficulties With Emotions

When you're struggling with your internal critic and judging yourself for having difficult emotions, it helps to remember other times when you had difficult emotions and you got through it.

Self Validation

It will help you to realize that you have skills and strengths you can use in the current situation (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

    Normalize Your Behavior

It's okay to have a negative thoughts and emotions.  

Instead of telling yourself that you're a "weak person" or making up a negative story about yourself, recognize that it just means you're human and normal (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are).

    Get Help in Therapy

Many people find it easier to validate other people's emotions than they do to validate their own.  

Often this is because their emotions were invalidated during childhood in their family of origin and they have internalized these critical experiences on a deep level (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated and How Childhood Memories of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults).

Working Through Unresolved Trauma in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome the problems that keep you from validating your own experiences, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

Working through unresolved trauma can free you of your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.