NYC Psychotherapist Blog

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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Relationships: Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I see many clients, individually and in couples, who are too shy to talk to their spouse or their partner about sex.  Whether it's a heterosexual or gay couple, together for a short or long time, there are many couples where one or both people are too shy to talk about sex.  They have difficulty expressing, either explicitly or implicitly, what they like or their sexual fantasies.

Relationships: Are You Too Shy To Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

Unfortunately, for many people, it's easier to go outside the relationship and have a sexual affair than to talk to a spouse or romantic partner about sex.  In many cases, people who find it easier to fulfill their sexual needs in sexual affairs find it easier because there is a lack of emotional intimacy.  No strings attached.  No emotional expectations.  If it's understood that the affair will never go beyond having sex, it's less threatening.  Whereas in a committed relationship there are all the everyday short term and long term obligations and responsibilities that can get in the way of enjoying sex for some people.

Making the Shift from Handling Everyday Responsibilities to Becoming Sexual 
For people who are too shy or uncomfortable talking to their partner about sex, it's often hard for them to go from handling daily responsibilities with their partner to becoming sexual in the bedroom.  Making the transition is awkward for them.  They feel embarrassed and nervous.

Relationships:  Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

This often leads to a decrease in sexual activity in the relationship as one or both people find reasons to avoid having sex:  They 're too tired, too busy, not feeling well, etc.  After a while, it can feel like they're roommates or siblings rather than a couple.  Resentment and misunderstands can arise, especially if one of the partners has a bigger sex drive than the other.

The Importance of Being Able to Talk About Sex
There are also couples who have difficulty talking about sex, but once they're in bed, the sparks fly.  They don't need to talk.  They communicate with their eyes and the rest of their body.  They fall into a natural sexual rhythm with each other.  So, who needs to talk if your sex life is going well?

The Importance of Meeting Each Other's Sexual Needs
But if you and or your partner can't communicate sexually either verbally or non-verbally and one or both of you feel like your sexual needs aren't being met in the relationship, you have a problem.  If you find yourself in this predicament with your spouse or partner, you're not alone.

The Importance of Meeting Each Other's Sexual Needs

There are many couples with this problem.  But, rather than doing nothing, you should seek professional help rather than allow this situation to develop into a long-term problem.  Trying to shove this problem under the rug won't make it go away.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are numerous reasons for the underlying possibilities that can cause this type of problem--too numerous to discuss in this blog post.  An experienced couples counselor or a sex therapist can often help you to overcome a shyness about sex.  You owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To  find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.