Overcoming Giving and Receiving Imbalances in Your Relationship

A common problem that brings many couples to therapy is a giving and receiving imbalance in their relationship.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

These types of imbalances can occur on an relational level as well as a sexual level.

Some individuals in a relationship are comfortable giving, but they're not comfortable with receiving.  Others are happy to take from their partners, but they have a problem reciprocating.

Clinical Vignette: An Imbalance of Giving and Receiving

The following clinical vignette is a composite of clinical cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tanya and Bill

Tanya and Bill were married for five years.  They both worked at stressful full time jobs.  When Bill got home, his work was done. He waited for Tanya to cook and serve dinner.  Then, after dinner, he sat in the living room to watch TV while Tanya cleared the table and washed and dried the dishes.  

On weekends, Bill either went to a sporting event with his friends or he watched the games with them at a local sports bar.  Meanwhile, Tanya stayed home to clean the house, do the laundry and go grocery shopping. Her friends hardly ever called her to get together because she always told them she was too busy and exhausted.  

Late on Saturday nights, when Bill got home from seeing his friends, he climbed into bed with Tanya, who was already asleep, and he tapped her on her thigh to signal that he wanted to have sex. But Tanya was usually too tired to have sex, and this made Bill angry.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

One day, Bill got fed up and he told Tanya that she was "frigid" because she usually turned him down whenever he wanted to have sex, and he insisted they see a sex therapist, who was also a couples therapist, to work on their problems.

After getting each of their family, relationship and sexual histories, the sex therapist pointed out the imbalance in their relationship with regard to giving and receiving--both relationally and sexually.

During their conversation, Tanya also pointed out that Bill behaved the same way sexually as he did regarding household responsibilities--he liked receiving, but he was selfish when it came to giving.  

She says, "Even if I wasn't exhausted from my job and taking care of all the household responsibilities, I have very little incentive to have sex with Bill because he's never concerned about my sexual satisfaction."

Bill was taken by surprise by the sex therapist's assessment and his wife's response and said to the sex therapist, "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Tanya never complained about taking care of things at home or, on those rare occasions when we have sex, about not feeling sexually satisfied."

This was the beginning of Tanya and Bill exploring their relational and sexual cycles in sex therapy.  

They both grew up in traditional families. Gradually, they realized they were repeating the same relationship cycle they witnessed when they were growing up.  Both of their mothers took on full responsibility for the home, in addition to having a full time job, and their fathers' day was done when they left work.

With regard to sex, Tanya remembered her mother telling her when Tanya got engaged that, "Sex is a wifely duty" to keep her husband satisfied.  Tanya understood the implication was that sexual pleasure was for men and women weren't meant to experience pleasure.  She didn't think much of it at the time.  But, as Tanya reflected on this in her sex therapy session, she told Bill that she wanted to change the dynamic in their relationship. She no longer wanted to always be "the giver" with Bill always being "the taker."  

Bill responded, "I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I want us to work on this as a team."

As they continued to attend sex therapy, they explored these cycles even further.

When the sex therapist asked Tanya what she thought the underlying issues were for her with regard to taking on all the household responsibilities, at first, Tanya didn't know. But as they continued to discuss it, Tanya thought about her mother and her alcoholic father.  

Over time, she realized her parents had a codependent relationship where her mother did everything at home and the father came home, got drunk and did nothing.  

As they continued to explore her parents' dynamic, Tanya realized, even though she knew her mother was frustrated and resentful about doing all the housework, her mother liked having the control because, even after Tanya's father got sober and he wanted to do his share at home, Tanya's mother didn't want to give up control.  

This was a revelation to Tanya. She and her siblings always thought their mother was a long-suffering wife who selflessly did everything at home. But now Tanya realized there was more to her parents' dynamic than she and her siblings had realized.

Tanya also realized that she had unconsciously repeated her mother's dynamic and, when she thought about the possibility of Bill taking on half the responsibilities at home, she felt resistant to the idea. 

At first, she thought it was because, from her perspective, Bill wouldn't do as good a job as she would. But as they continued exploring this in sex therapy sessions, she realized she also wanted to be in complete control--something she never realized before.

Bill realized that he was selfishly repeating his father's dynamic at home with regard to expecting his wife to do all the chores.  As they continued to explore this in therapy, he realized that he had also unconsciously internalized that "being a man" meant coming home and being served because this was how his parents interacted when he was growing up.

He became aware that he needed to change his ideas about what "being a man" meant and that it wasn't about adhering to traditional and outdated gender roles.

With regard to their sexual relationship, Tanya also realized she didn't turn Bill down only because she was tired, she was also seething with unspoken resentment because she felt he treated her like a maid.  

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to work on at home to try to change their relational and sexual dynamics.

Bill learned to take on his fair share of household responsibilities without being asked.  This freed up Tanya so she go to the gym and socialize with her friends every so often. 

With regard to sex, Tanya got curious about what she might enjoy sexually after their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe List, which listed many sexual activities.  

Bill also worked on his own individual Yes, No, Maybe List.  Then, they discussed their completed lists in their sex therapy session and mutually agreed on the sexual activities they would like to try (see my article: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe List).

Tanya discovered she liked cunnilingus (oral sex) much more than sexual intercourse, which surprised Bill.  Bill realized he wanted to watch Tanya masturbate because this would be a big turn-on for him.

They both learned in their sex therapy sessions about the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  In addition, they learned how to overcome this problem so that both of them could experience satisfying sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

It took a while for Bill and Tanya to learn to make these big changes because their relational and sexual dynamics were so entrenched.  But they were both motivated to change, so they stuck with it and made changes step by step.

Conclusion

The dynamics described in the composite vignette about Tanya and Bill are all too common.

Individuals often repeat the relational dynamics they observed in their family of origin--even if they thought it was unfair when they were children--because these dynamics get internalized on an unconscious level.

There are often other underlying issues, as discussed in the vignette, like control issues and what it means to be "a man" or "a good wife," to name just two.

With regard to sexual dynamics, few people get adequate sex education and, whatever they do learn is shrouded in shame and guilt (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt).

Even fewer people learn how to talk about these issues with each other (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

Negative cycles are often difficult to change on your own with regard to relational and sexual cycles.

Overcoming Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who is a couples and sex therapist, can help you to identify and change your negative cycles.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Once you learn to improve your relational and sexual dynamics, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Most of us know that being in a relationship is a two-way street that often involves certain compromises from both people. But how do we know when we've crossed over the line from compromising to self sacrificing to the detriment of our own well-being?

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Self Sacrificing to the Point of Masochism:
Many years ago, when I was an undergraduate student, I had to take a required statistics course. The professor who taught this course was a notoriously bad teacher. He was also the only professor who taught this particular required course. 

He had been teaching the same course for 30 years and he made it very clear that he hated teaching and he was only there to get grant money for his biopsychology experiments. He told us on Day One that the dean had a folder six inches thick with complaints about him from students, but he was tenured and he could not be fired. So, he said, if we complained about him, it wouldn't do any good. 

He also made it clear that whether we got the concepts that he taught or not was of no importance to him. He explained that the required text book for this course was incomprehensible to most students, and we had better form study groups if we hoped to pass. The one positive thing that he said was that if we managed to get an "A" on his midterm, we would not have to take the final exam, and we would get an "A" for the class. We learned all of this on Day One.

By Day Two, several of us who were motivated formed a study group and agreed to meet on a regular basis to do assignments together and share what we each understood from class. We had to memorize formulas and we were not allowed to use calculators in class or on tests, which seems ridiculous now, but that's how it was then.

Overall, the group was fairly cohesive, except for one student who tended to miss our groups because of various problems that came up with her boyfriend. Let's call her Millie (not her real name).

Millie usually came to class frazzled and in a state of high anxiety. One day, we went to the cafeteria during a break and she told me that her boyfriend hated that she was taking college classes. Her motivation was that she was in a dead-end job, and she wanted to get a degree so she could get a better job and earn more money. Getting a college degree had always been her dream, but her parents couldn't afford to send her to college after she graduated high school, so she had to go to work. Like most of us in that class, she was balancing a full-time job and a hefty course load. She was the first one in her family to attend college, and she got no support from her family and even less from her boyfriend, who never attended college and couldn't hold onto a job.

It was not unusual for Millie to miss class and miss our group meetings. Usually, when we saw her the next time, she would be very apologetic. The first time that she missed our group, she told us afterwards that she had an allergic reaction to brownies that her boyfriend made. She said that he made the brownies with nuts because he "forgot" that she was highly allergic to nuts. When she told him that she couldn't eat the brownies because her throat would close up, she said he was very hurt and annoyed with her. So, to appease him, she ate one of the brownies and, soon afterwards, he had to rush her to the emergency room because she couldn't breathe. None of us said anything to Millie about her boyfriend, but we were all concerned that she would sacrifice herself in this way.

Another time, Millie came to our group completely unprepared. She said, "My boyfriend said that I always have my head stuck in a book, and I don't pay enough attention to him, so I skipped looking over my notes so he and I could watch his favorite TV show together." Even though we tried to help Millie get caught up with the assignment, it was obvious that she was already very lost. And since one concept builds on another in statistics, she was falling further and further behind due to her efforts to try to appease her demanding boyfriend.

I don't think I have ever studied so hard and memorized so many formulas in my life as I did in that statistics class. Fortunately, the people in my statistics study group and I worked very hard and did well on the midterm. All of us got A's--all except Millie. By the midterm, she was failing most of her classes, and she decided to drop out of college. She told me, "I have to concentrate on my relationship. I found out that my boyfriend was having an affair, and he blamed me because I wasn't paying enough attention to him."

By dropping out of college, Millie let go of her dream to be the first in her family to get a college degree. She also knew that her chances for getting a better job would be nil, and she would be unlikely to increase her earning power. She knew all of this, and yet she dropped out of college to try salvage a relationship with a boyfriend who was cheating on her and who seemed to offer her very little. After she dropped out, I never heard from Millie again. I hope that, eventually, she left that relationship where she sacrificed herself so much, to the point of masochism.

How Do You Know if You're Making Reasonable Compromises or if You're Sacrificing Yourself?
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, being in a relationship often involves compromise and it should be a two-way street. When I say this, I don't mean that you're keeping a strict tally of the compromises that you've made and comparing them to the ones that your partner has made (or not made). But I do mean that, if you can be objective about it, overall, do you find that either you or your partner tends to be the one who compromises most of the time?


Reciprocity: "Give-and-Take" in Relationships
Is there reciprocity so that, over time, there is "give-and-take" in your relationship or is it lopsided either one way or the other? I stress the words "over time" because if you're in a long-term relationship, there might be periods in your relationship where one or the other of you might be the one who compromises more because of a particular situation.

For instance, in Millie's case, if she had been with a boyfriend who was more supportive of her attending college and they were going to be together for the long haul, he might have realized that there would be times when she wouldn't spend as much time with him as he would like until she got her degree. Maybe the compromise would have been that they carved out special times together for each other that were meaningful to both of them so that they preserved their relationship, but Millie also put in the necessary time to dedicate to her studies.

"Giving" Til It Hurts
What are you "compromising" about?

It's one thing to compromise about a movie and another thing to compromise your college education and your future. If one or both of you think that you're always going to get what you want in your relationship, chances are good that either the relationship won't work or one of you is going to be compromising to the point of self sacrifice.

For instance, if your religion or sense of spirituality is very important to you, but your partner puts you down because he or she has different views, if you give up your spirituality, you're giving up something that supports and sustains your well-being and is part of your core values. If you give up your spirituality and it's important to you, that's not compromising--you're engaging in self sacrifice.

Another example is if your partner asks you to give up your friendships or family relationships. Unless your friendships or family relationships are abusive, this is usually not a reasonable request. This isn't a compromise--it's self sacrifice. You can't get everything from your relationship, so it's important that you maintain strong ties to people who care about you.

Is whatever your "compromising" about eroding your self esteem?
To assess this in yourself, you need to try to be as objective as possible and ask yourself if you're engaging in behavior, at your partner's request, that is making you feel bad about yourself. If you're able to check in with yourself and go inside to see how it feels, do you come away feeling low? This is often an indicator that you're self sacrificing and not compromising.

For instance, when I was in high school, I knew a girl who had a very jealous boyfriend. Before she met her boyfriend, she used to like to wear makeup and look fashionable. She had good taste and a very good fashion sense, and it made her feel good about herself to look well. People usually complimented her on how well she looked. But after she started seeing her boyfriend, she changed how she looked to try to assuage his jealous nature. 

He felt that she was wearing her makeup and dressing fashionably to attract other boys, which was not the case. She was doing it for herself. But he only wanted her to dress fashionably and wear makeup for him when they were alone. So, to appease him, she stopped wearing makeup and began dressing in a matronly way, except for when she was with him. Her boyfriend was satisfied, but she felt badly about herself most of the time. Fortunately, eventually, she saw his jealous and controlling behavior for what it was, left him, and she met someone else who was much better suited for her.

Ask Your Trusted Friends
Sometimes, it's hard for us to see things about ourselves and our relationships objectively. It's easy to make excuses for ourselves or our partners. But if you have trusted friends that you confide in, they might be more objective about what's going on for you in your relationship than you are. Maybe they're not saying anything to you right now because they're afraid of hurting your feelings or they don't want to jeopardize your friendship with them by telling you something that you might not be open to hearing.

But if you can open your mind and your heart to hearing things that you might find difficult to hear, you might learn something about yourself and your relationship that you aren't admitting to yourself. If you have trusted friends who can communicate with you in a tactful and honest way, you can take in what they have to say and see if it resonates with you. Often, our friends tell us things that we already know deep down inside but that we've been too afraid to admit to ourselves.

Seek Professional Help to Make Changes:
Suspecting or knowing that you might have an imbalance in your relationship when it comes to making compromises is one thing. Being able to change that imbalance is often another thing.

Having intellectual insight isn't always enough to make the necessary changes that you need to make. You might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you to make those changes.
If your partner is willing to go to couples counseling, you might benefit from working with a professional who has experience working with couples.

If your partner is unwilling to seek help with you, you shouldn't suffer by yourself. As an individual, you could benefit from working with a professional who specializes in relationships. Sometimes, partners who are unwilling at first become more willing once you begin getting help and will eventually join you. But if he or she isn't ready, if you feel "stuck," you still could benefit from getting help, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Very often, taking the first step of acknowledging that you need help, and taking action to get help, is the first step down the road to a better sense of health and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.