Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self-sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you break destructive patterns that create emotional distance between you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

 Emotional distance often begins as an unconscious defense mechanism to avoid vulnerability and anticipated rejection. 

What is Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self-sabotaging behavior in relationships refers to conscious or unconscious actions driven by a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or unresolved trauma that ultimately undermine relationship stability. This destructive behavior often acts as a maladaptive defense mechanism to avoid anticipated emotional pain or rejection.

What Does Self-Sabotaging Behavior Look Like?

Recognizing the signs of self-sabotage is the first step toward healing. Common examples of self-sabotaging behavior in a relationship include:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over minor issues or being overly critical to manufacture a problem.
• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Shutting down emotionally or physically exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. (Note: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often withdraw due to nervous system overwhelm. This is distinct from malicious stonewalling; see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).
• Testing a Partner's Loyalty: Setting up unrealistic traps or tests to see how much a partner cares, which often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.
• Insecurity and Chronic Jealousy: Projecting personal insecurities, excessive monitoring, or comparing a current partner unfavorably to an ex (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).
• Ending Relationships Prematurely: Breaking up with someone out of fear of future rejection, essentially leaving before you can be left.
• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor mistakes, which prevents relationship repair and creates a massive emotional rift over time (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Understanding the root cause of relationship self-sabotage helps replace shame with compassion. These behaviors are typically triggered by:

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing a partner away to control the timing of an anticipated breakup, even when the fear is a cognitive distortion.
• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Avoiding the emotional risks required to build deep intimacy (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).
• Low Self-Esteem: An underlying core belief that you are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of a healthy, loving relationship.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to impossible standards to guarantee they will eventually fail you (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette: How Self-Sabotage Manifests

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Jane's Story
When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him deeply. Three months into dating, they agreed to be exclusive. Initially, Jane could foresee a long-term future and marriage. However, as their emotional intimacy grew, Jane's old childhood insecurities surfaced, causing severe relationship anxiety.

Her core fear was that Alan would eventually realize she "wasn't good enough" and abandon her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear that People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You"). While Alan offered consistent reassurance, it could not soothe Jane's internal panic.

When the fear became overwhelming, Jane would abruptly break up with Alan to achieve instant relief from the dread of being left. Shortly after, regret would set in, and she would scramble to rekindle the relationship.

Once reunited, the cycle repeated. Jane began picking arguments over insignificant details to create distance without realizing it. It wasn't until they entered couples therapy that Jane recognized she was weaponizing fights out of fear. 

In addition to couples work, Jane sought individual trauma therapy to process the childhood wounds driving her behavior. Today, Jane and Alan work as a team to disrupt this negative cycle before it starts.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

If you recognize these patterns in your life, you can heal and protect your relationship using these five foundational steps:

• Recognize Your Personal Triggers: Cultivate self-awareness to notice the exact moment fear triggers your desire to push your partner away.
• Develop Open, Vulnerable Communication: Replace passive-aggressive behaviors or withdrawal with direct communication about your fears.
• Actively Build Self-Esteem: Process underlying feelings of unworthiness so you can safely accept love without reactive defense mechanisms.
• Heal Root Issues in Individual Trauma Therapy: Because self-sabotage usually stems from unresolved childhood attachment wounds, specialized trauma therapy can stop these past experiences from hijacking your present relationship.
• Repair the Bond with NYC Couples Therapy: Working with a therapist who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner map out, understand, and permanently de-escalate your negative relationship cycles..

Break the Cycle and Protect Your Relationship

Recognizing that fear is driving your relationship choices is a powerful first step—but you don’t have to navigate the path to healing alone. 

Whether you want to heal personal attachment wounds in individual therapy or map out and de-escalate your negative cycles together in couples therapy, specialized support can help you build the secure, loving connection you deserve.

Stop Unconscious Fears From Routing Your Relationship

Self-sabotage doesn't mean your relationship is broken—it means your defense mechanisms are trying to protect you from old pain. 

Let's work together as a team to replace anxiety and emotional distance with deep, secure intimacy.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW 

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist specializing in advanced modalities including EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy). I am also a Certified Sex Therapist.

Whether you are looking for an experienced couples therapist in NYC or looking to heal personal wounds in individual therapy, I provide a compassionate space to help you build a harmonious life.

Contact Information & Next Steps

I provide a free 15-minute phone consultation to ensure we are a good fit before setting up an initial appointment. I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, NYC 10011 as well as online via telehealth.

• 🌐 Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• 📞 Phone: (917) 742-2624 during business hours
• ✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

Expanded Reading Relationship Therapy

• What is a Trauma Therapist?

• What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
  
• Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 
• New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle
  

Unresolved Trauma Can Make It Difficult For You to Feel Secure Even in a Healthy Relationship

Anxiety can be a useful signal when you're in a dangerous situation. 

For instance, if you're walking in the woods and there's been a report of a bear lurking around, your anxiety can trigger your self-protective instincts to be on the lookout for the bear.

Early Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

But when you feel anxiety about your relationship when you know objectively you're in a healthy relationship, your anxiety is misplaced and this could be a sign that the problem is rooted in the past.

See my articles: 

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

When Your Traumatic Past is Triggering You in the Present

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how past trauma can affect a current relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Gina

Several months before Gina started trauma therapy, she felt very happy and grateful to be in her relationship with Bill.  But six months into her relationship, she began to feel anxious for no apparent reason. Nothing had changed in her relationship with Bill, but she was overwhelmed with insecurity and a sense of impending doom.  

After talking to her close friends, who knew Gina had a long history of unresolved trauma, Gina began trauma therapy to try to understand how her family history might be affecting her experience in her relationship.

During the history taking session, Gina described a tumultuous family history which included significant attachment trauma including the death of her father before she was born and many uprootings in terms of her mother and Gina relocating almost every year to a new state.  

As a result of her attachment trauma and all the moving around from state to state, Gina had a lot of difficulty making friends because every time she formed friendships, she experienced the loss of those friends when she and her mother moved out of state.

Gina also had a history of good relationships where, similar to her relationship with Bill, she would be happy during the first few months, but then she would become anxious for no particular reason. 

Even though there was no objective reason to believe that her current boyfriend, Bill, would leave her, she was preoccupied with fear of abandonment and she would need a lot of reassurance from him that he wasn't going to end the relationship (see my article: Relationships and Fear of Abandonment).

Over time, Gina learned in therapy how her traumatic history was affecting her current relationship. 

Her trauma therapist used various modes of Experiential Therapy to help Gina to work on her early trauma so her early experiences would no longer be the source of her insecurity, anxiety and fear of abandonment in her current relationship., including the following trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Gradually, over time, Gina was able to separate her anxiety about her past traumatic experiences from her current experiences in her relationship (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Separating the Traumatic Past From the Present

This enabled Gina to be present in her relationship with Bill in a way she had not been able to do before she did trauma therapy.  As she worked through her early trauma, she was able to respond to Bill in a loving and trusting way.

Conclusion

You might know objectively that you're in a secure, healthy relationship, but past traumatic experiences can make you feel anxious and insecure in an otherwise good relationship.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy, were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma in a more effective way than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you think your traumatic past is having a negative impact on your current circumstances, you could benefit from trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Attachment trauma, which involves attachment wounds, can occur at any time of life. 

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy 

Attachment trauma often occurs when there are significant disruptions in close relationships.

Examples of Attachment Wounds Which Are Part of Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds include but are not limited to:

• Early loss or abandonment in childhood

• Death of a parent in childhood

• Lack of affection during childhood

• Being separated during infancy or any time in childhood from parents or primary caregivers

• Physical or emotional abuse, childhood emotional neglect or sexual abuse

• A caregiver who is the source of overwhelming emotional distress for a child

• Infidelity in a relationship including extramarital affairs and financial infidelity

• A caregiver who has a substance abuse problem

• A caregiver with mental health issues or who is emotionally unstable

• A caregiver with an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style

• A caregiver with poor emotional, physical or sexual boundaries

• A caregiver who treats a child like a friend (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend)

• A caregiver who is controlling to the point where a child has difficulty individuating (being their own person)

• Divorce in the family during childhood

• Intergenerational trauma

• Betrayal in a romantic relationship, family relationship or friendship

• Lack of support from a partner, spouse or significant other during a significant event or transition

What Are Signs and Symptoms of Attachment Trauma?

The signs and symptoms of attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• A pattern of difficulties in relationships with friends, family members, significant others and work relationships

A Pattern of Difficulties in Relationships

• A tendency to experience humiliation, shame and/or guilt

• Hyper-reactivity to stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)

• Hyperarousal

• A tendency to be anxious, avoidant or disorganized in romantic relationships including healthy relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship)

• Enmeshed relationships with family members, friends or significant others

• Poor interpersonal boundaries 

Mental Health and Substance Abuse Issues Related to Attachment Trauma

Mental health and substance abuse issues related to attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• Depression

• Anxiety
  

• Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Complex trauma

• Alcohol misuse

Attachment Trauma and Alcohol Misuse

• Drug misuse or addiction

• Compulsive gambling

• Overspending

• Overeating

• Out of control sexual behavior (OCSB)
  

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

There are many different types of trauma therapy, which all come under the umbrella of experiential therapy including:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Parts Work Therapy including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy
  

How Will You Know When You're on the Path to Healing an Attachment Trauma?

There is no quick fix for healing attachment trauma, but Experiential Therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy for healing trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Since you might not have experienced emotionally supportive relationships when you were a child, you will probably need time to develop a therapeutic rapport with your trauma therapist, so it's good to be aware of this as you start trauma therapy (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Weren't Able to Trust Your Family?).

Signs that might be part of your path to healing an attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• You're beginning to respond instead of react to stress

• You're starting to feel safer in your body

• You're getting better at setting boundaries

• You're becoming more aware of when you feel ashamed, guilty or humiliated when there's no objective reason to feel that way

• You're beginning to feel less anxious

• You're becoming aware that your depression is beginning to lift

• You're starting to make healthier choices in relationships

• You're feeling less anxious, avoidant or disorganized in a healthy relationship

• You're cutting back or you have stopped drinking excessively

• You're cutting back or you have stopped misusing drugs

• You're feeling less inclined to gamble compulsively

• You're less inclined to overspend

• You're less inclined to overeat during times of stress 

• You no longer feel comfortable in enmeshed relationships

• You're prioritizing self care

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with attachment trauma, you're not alone.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic past so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.