Posts
I've written about emotional regulation in prior articles (see the links listed at the end of this article).
What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?
Many clients have asked me this question, especially clients who are learning how to identify and express their emotions (see my article: Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness).
 |
| Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions |
Emotional regulation is the healthy process of identifying, feeling and expressing your emotions without being overwhelmed or overwhelming others.
Controlling your emotions involves forcefully suppressing or hiding emotions which often stems from shame. Controlling your emotions usually leads to long term stress which, in turn, can turn into medical problems including headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension and other stress-related physical problems.
Whereas when you regulate your emotions, you are doing it with self awareness, controlling your emotions is a restrictive, temporary fix.
Core Differences Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions:
- Approach: Emotional regulation acknowledges and accepts your emotions. This allows you to experience them so you can choose a balanced reaction. Conversely, control involves denying, suppressing or forcefully pushing away emotions.
- Goal: The goal of emotional regulation is to process, learn from and move through emotions in a. healthy way. The goal of control is to minimize or eliminate the outward expression emotions to avoid vulnerability and appear to be "strong". As part of emotional regulation, you also recognize that emotions have a natural life cycle that last about 90 seconds if you don't feed them by ruminating, overanalyzing and continuing to tell yourself negative stories about them (see my article: Managing Your Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?).
 |
| Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions |
- Impact on Self: Whereas emotional regulation builds self compassion and mental health, control often leads to increased anxiety, including panic attacks, shame and physical stress.
- Flexibility vs Rigidity: Emotional regulation is adaptive and flexible, which allows emotional expression that is appropriate to the situation. Control is rigid, which often leads to a limited range of expressed emotions.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette illustrate the difference between emotional regulation and controlling emotions:
Tom
When he was a boy, Tom would get punished by his parents if he cried. They told Tom that "boys don't cry" and punished him whenever he showed any signs of sadness--even when he was a young child.
Neither of Tom's parents showed any signs of sadness or grief. The only emotion they expressed was anger.
When the family dog died, they remained stoic and discouraged Tom from expressing sadness or grief--even though the dog was Tom's constant companion from the time he was a toddler.
As an adult, when Tom got into a serious relationship, his girlfriend, Ann, asked him why he hardly ever showed any emotions except anger. She told him she often felt alone with her feelings because Tom was so aloof. She also pointed out that Tom's body seemed so rigid and she was concerned for his physical health.
Tom didn't respond immediately to what Ann said, but he began to reflect on her words. He decided to talk to a mental health professional about it.
Tom's therapist talked to him about the difference between emotional regulation and controlling his emotions. After she asked him about his family history, she helped Tom to make the connection between how his parents suppressed their emotions, how they discouraged his expression of emotions and how he also learned to suppress emotions.
The work was challenging for Tom because his usual way of handling uncomfortable emotions was to suppress them, but in therapy he gradually learned how to identify and express his emotions in a healthy way.
Initially, he felt like he was doing something wrong, especially when he allowed himself to feel sadness. He could hear his parents voices in his head saying "Boys don't cry". But he realized that uncomfortable emotions are like waves--they ascend, peak and subside eventually. He also realized that he felt much better when he allowed his emotions to release.
Over time, Ann noticed the difference in Tom and she felt much closer to him. Tom also felt closer to Ann and more relaxed with himself.
Conclusion
Managing your emotions is part of developing emotional intelligence which is essential for your own well-being as well as maintaining healthy relationships.
 |
| Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions |
If you're having problems with emotional regulation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop emotional regulation skills.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
.jpg)
.jpg)
