What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst (1875-1961), wisely stated that what you resist not only persists--it gets stronger.

What You Resist Persists

What Happens When You Resist a Part of Yourself?

In earlier articles I've discussed that we are all made of many different parts.  As an example, on the most basic level, you often hear people say things like, "A part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part of me wants to stay home." 

This implies a basic understanding that, as humans, we're made up of a multiplicity of selves and that, at any given time, different parts (or aspects of self) emerge under different circumstances.

When you resist acknowledging a part of yourself, you're unwilling or unable to deal with that part or the negative circumstances involved.

The More You Resist, the More It Persists

Instead of working through the negative circumstances related to the part of yourself that you're resisting, you try to suppress it, which only works for a short time before that part comes to the surface again--usually stronger than before.

By suppressing this part over and over again, without realizing it, you're remaining attached to the negative circumstances related to this part instead of finding a resolution.

In other words, you use a lot of energy to keep pushing down this aspect of yourself, but it only goes outside your conscious awareness temporarily.  And you can't get rid of it because it's a part of you, so you end up in an ongoing cycle of frustration and resistance instead of resolving what you don't like.

This ongoing resistance to keep your unwanted parts out of your conscious awareness causes a vicious cycle, and it takes more and more energy to keep suppressing it. This can lead to anxiety and depression as well as health issues as stress increases.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates the concept that resistance strengthens unwanted aspects of yourself. It also shows how Parts Work can help:

Bill

When he was a child, Bill's parents were both highly critical of him.  He grew up feeling inadequate and ashamed of himself.

As a child, he unconsciously internalized this highly critical aspect of her parents, as children do under these circumstances, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, he often berated himself for minor mistakes.

As an adult, Bill found it very difficult to tolerate his Inner Critic.  Whenever he made a mistake, this part of him surfaced and made him feel so uncomfortable that he did whatever he could do suppress it.  

Inwardly, Bill became highly critical of his Inner Critic, cursed it and wished he could kill it off rather than deal with it.

But whenever he thought he had succeeded in permanently suppressing this part of himself, the Inner Critic came back even stronger than before.  Then it would take much more effort for Bill to suppress it again. And, over time, this became a vicious cycle, which made Bill increasingly anxious and unhappy.

By the time Bill was in his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help because his hatred for this part became much stronger over time and he didn't know what to do.  So, he sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Bill's therapist did Ego States Therapy, which is a particular type of Parts Work.  She helped Bill to see that his resistance to his Inner Critic was only making matters worse. She explained that resistance wouldn't lead to a resolution.

She helped Bill to tap into the Inner Critic to befriend it and find out what that part needed.  At first, Bill was hesitant to do this because, up until that point, he had done everything he could to get away from that part.  So, the idea of doing the opposite--befriending that part--felt scary to him.  But he learned to trust his therapist and he opened himself up to do Parts Work.

Gradually, Bill realized this Inner Critic was an internalization of his parents' critical stance towards him that he took in at a young age. As he imagined talking to that part of himself, he realized that below the surface there was a sad, helpless child, his younger self.

He also learned that although the Inner Critic appeared to be hostile towards him, this part had a protective function--it wanted to protect Bill from the criticism of others.  This amazed Bill because he had never thought of the Inner Critic as being anything other than a hated part of himself.

The more he engaged in an inner dialogue with the Inner Critic, the more that part softened and Bill learned that this part didn't want to ruin his life, as Bill had always thought. This part, which was blended with a younger part who felt alone and lonely, had positive aspects to it.

Over time, Bill developed a relationship with these younger parts so they no longer felt alone and lonely because he had befriended them and during Ego States Therapy Bill imagined he could soothe these alienated parts.

Once his Inner Critic softened, Bill's psychotherapist did EMDR therapy with Bill to work on his childhood trauma.  

It took time to work on these issues, but his work in therapy helped Bill to free himself of the vicious cycle he had been caught up in and helped him to resolve his childhood trauma.

How to Stop Resisting and Make Friends With the Part of Yourself You Don't Like

• Stop Fighting With the Part: Fighting with a part is the equivalent of resistance. The more you resist, the more it persists and gets stronger.  It might sound counterintuitive, but you need to stop resisting the part.

Befriend the Parts of Yourself You Don't Like

• Establish a Dialog With the Part: The part you're resisting is a part of yourself.  Once you stop fighting with that part, recognize there's a lot more going on under the surface than you realize and the way to find out about it is to develop a caring relationship with the part.  Show compassion for that part. You can do this in Parts Work therapy or you can do it on your own by having your own dialog with the part either in your mind or, even better, in writing. If you do it in writing, it can take the form of a script where you, as your adult self, have a dialog with the Inner Critic to ask what s/he needs. Usually, once a person pays attention to an unwanted part, that part softens.  Talk to this part kindly and listen to what it says it needs.  Then, use your imagination to imagine you can give it what it needs. If it says it needs a hug, imagine that part sitting next to you so you can give it a hug (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself and Giving Voice to Prevously Disowned Parts of Yourself).

• Make an Effort to Be Aware of the Part on a Regular Basis: Whether you imagine a dialog once a week or once a day, make an effort to be aware of and present for that part.  Over time, your relationship with that part is likely to improve.

Getting Help in Therapy

Parts Work goes by many different names, including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (see my article: Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

If you try befriending an alienated part of yourself and you don't make progress on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work.

Working with a skilled Parts Work therapist can help you to overcome your resistance so you can reach a resolution to your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist for Couples, Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.