Many Women Don't Tell Their Male Partners When They Have Pain During Intimacy

Painful intercourse is a common problem for many women of all ages. Unfortunately, instead of telling their partner about the pain, more than 50% of women endure the pain without ever mentioning it (see my article: Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex).

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

Why Don't Women Tell Their Partners They're Having Pain During Intercourse?

When researchers asked women why they didn't tell their male partners about painful sex, they received the following responses from women:

• They thought pain was "normal" during sex (it's not).

• They felt pain wasn't worth mentioning because the pain wasn't severe.

• They were concerned that if they told their male partner they had pain during intercourse, it would mean they wouldn't have intercourse at all.

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

• They prioritized their male partner's pleasure over their own discomfort--even if it meant they would keep experiencing painful sex every time.

• They felt too embarrassed to talk about painful sex with their partner, so they would rather endure the pain than talk about it.

• They didn't want to make their partner feel uncomfortable.

• They didn't want any awkwardness between them and their partner.

• They thought they just needed to "power through" intercourse--even though it's painful.

• They didn't know they could engage in other sexual activities that could be just as sexually satisfying for them and their partner and that sex involves more than just intercourse.

What Causes Painful Intercourse For Women?

There can be many reasons why a women experience painful interourse.  

To determine the reason for the pain in their particular case, women need to consult with a knowledgeable sexual health professional (not all primary care doctors or even gynecologists are knowledgeable about painful sex).  

Some potential causes for painful sex include:

• Lack of sufficient lubrication during sexual intercourse, which cause irritation and pain

• Insufficient sexual arousal because women and their male partners rush through sex without taking the time to ensure women are sufficiently aroused for sexual intercourse

• Longstanding resentment due to relationship conflict which gets in the way of sexual pleasure and, in turn, can result in painful intercourse

• Undiagnosed vaginismus, resulting in muscle spasms at the entrance of the vagina which either restrict entrance or clamp shut the vagina

• Pain around the vulva, the outer part of women's genitals, which is called vulvodynia which can result in pain, irritation, a burning sensation, soreness or rawness.

• Vaginal infections, including a yeast infection or bacterial infection (vaginosis)

• Vaginal dryness due to menopause

• Vulvar Vestibulitis, an inflammation of the vestibular glands just outside the vagina

• Birth control pills as a cause of sexual pain due to biochemical changes

• Other medical conditions, such as uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and other gynecological problems can lead to painful sex

• Other medical problems 

What Can Women Do to Deal With Painful Intercourse?

• Talk to your partner (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2

Talk to Your Partner About Painful Intercourse

• Seek help from a knowledgeable gynecologist or a sexual health professional

• Seek help from a pelvic floor specialist

• Seek help from a sex therapist, especially if the problem involves sexual anxiety, unresolved resentment toward a partner or other unresolved emotional issues, including a history of sexual abuse

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Seek Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.