Many Women Don't Tell Their Male Partners When They Have Pain During Intimacy

Painful intercourse is a common problem for many women of all ages. Unfortunately, instead of telling their partner about the pain, more than 50% of women endure the pain without ever mentioning it (see my article: Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex).

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

Why Don't Women Tell Their Partners They're Having Pain During Intercourse?

When researchers asked women why they didn't tell their male partners about painful sex, they received the following responses from women:

• They thought pain was "normal" during sex (it's not).

• They felt pain wasn't worth mentioning because the pain wasn't severe.

• They were concerned that if they told their male partner they had pain during intercourse, it would mean they wouldn't have intercourse at all.

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

• They prioritized their male partner's pleasure over their own discomfort--even if it meant they would keep experiencing painful sex every time.

• They felt too embarrassed to talk about painful sex with their partner, so they would rather endure the pain than talk about it.

• They didn't want to make their partner feel uncomfortable.

• They didn't want any awkwardness between them and their partner.

• They thought they just needed to "power through" intercourse--even though it's painful.

• They didn't know they could engage in other sexual activities that could be just as sexually satisfying for them and their partner and that sex involves more than just intercourse.

What Causes Painful Intercourse For Women?

There can be many reasons why a women experience painful interourse.  

To determine the reason for the pain in their particular case, women need to consult with a knowledgeable sexual health professional (not all primary care doctors or even gynecologists are knowledgeable about painful sex).  

Some potential causes for painful sex include:

• Lack of sufficient lubrication during sexual intercourse, which cause irritation and pain

• Insufficient sexual arousal because women and their male partners rush through sex without taking the time to ensure women are sufficiently aroused for sexual intercourse

• Longstanding resentment due to relationship conflict which gets in the way of sexual pleasure and, in turn, can result in painful intercourse

• Undiagnosed vaginismus, resulting in muscle spasms at the entrance of the vagina which either restrict entrance or clamp shut the vagina

• Pain around the vulva, the outer part of women's genitals, which is called vulvodynia which can result in pain, irritation, a burning sensation, soreness or rawness.

• Vaginal infections, including a yeast infection or bacterial infection (vaginosis)

• Vaginal dryness due to menopause

• Vulvar Vestibulitis, an inflammation of the vestibular glands just outside the vagina

• Birth control pills as a cause of sexual pain due to biochemical changes

• Other medical conditions, such as uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and other gynecological problems can lead to painful sex

• Other medical problems 

What Can Women Do to Deal With Painful Intercourse?

• Talk to your partner (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2

Talk to Your Partner About Painful Intercourse

• Seek help from a knowledgeable gynecologist or a sexual health professional

• Seek help from a pelvic floor specialist

• Seek help from a sex therapist, especially if the problem involves sexual anxiety, unresolved resentment toward a partner or other unresolved emotional issues, including a history of sexual abuse

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Seek Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex

Painful sex is a lot more common than most people think: Approximately 1 in 5 women experience pain during sex.  

Even though it's a common problem, many general practitioners and gynecologists fail to ask women about it during regularly exams.  This is especially problematic when women feel too ashamed to mention it during medical exams.

Get Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex

Experiencing painful sex can be confusing, emotionally traumatic and create problems in intimate relationships, especially when the cause of the pain isn't understood.

Sex therapy can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).  More about this later.

What Are the Different Types of Sexual Pain Experienced By Women?

Women can experience different types of sexual pain, including but not limited to:

• Anxiety during sex which makes it difficult to relax and causes pelvic muscles to tighten

• Sexual abuse history that interferes with sex (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse)

• Lack of lubrication due to insufficient sexual foreplay

• Lack of estrogen

• Vaginal dryness

• Vaginal atrophy

• Pelvic pain due to weak core muscles

• Vulva pain when the vulva is touched  (the vulva is the outer part of female genitals, including labia majora, labia minora and the clitoris)

• Pain during sexual penetration (penis in vagina or PIV sex)

• Painful orgasms

• Vulvodynia (chronic vulvar pain without an identifiable cause)

• Vaginismus (the involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles in response to vaginal penetration, including inserting a tampon, toy or penis)

• Dyspareunia (pain before, during or after sex)

• Chronic yeast infections

• Postpartum

• Deep vaginal pain around the cervix

• Endometriosis

• Interstitial cystitis (chronic bladder condition with recurring pain in the bladder and pelvic area)

• Lack of sex education

• Other pelvic floor problems

• Other medical and/or psychological issues

Medical Treatment

If you are experiencing painful sex, you shouldn't ignore it.  Over time, it can get worse.

The first place to start is getting medical help.

Seek help from a medical doctor who is knowledgeable about painful sex.  You can see a primary care physician, a gynecologist or a urologist.  Just make sure the doctor you choose deals with women's painful sex.

Pelvic Floor Treatment

Many women who experience painful sex benefit from seeking help from a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues.  

Since not all physical therapists are trained to deal with pelvic floor problems, it's important that you ask beforehand to make sure you get appropriate help.

How Can Sex Therapy Help?

Women who experience anxiety or other psychological issues before, during or after sex can benefit from working with a sex therapist who can help them to overcome emotions that interfere with sex.

Women in sex therapy can also learn to incorporate the exercises they learned in physical therapy into their routine at home (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

A sex therapist can help clients to have better sex by learning to use mindfulness.

Partners of women who have pain during sex often don't understand the problem. A skilled sex therapist can also work with a woman and her partner so that the partner understands the problems involved with painful sex, how to overcome these problems, and how to improve their sex life overall.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and a Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.