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The relationship between some mothers and daughters can be complex (see the links for previous articles on mothers and daughters at the end of this article).
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| Expectatons Between Mothers and Adult Daughters |
What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?
Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters are silent "rules" that create deep emotional friction when one or both them think these rules have been broken.
Here are some of the most common unspoken expectations that dictate many mother-daughter relationships:
The Expectation of a Shared Identity
- The Emotional Mirror: While many mothers expect their adult daughters to mirror their core values, life choices and morals, many adult daughters expect their mothers to validate every feeling they have.
- The Mind-Reading Rule: Many mothers and adult daughters assume that just because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically know what the other needs without explicit communication.
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| Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters |
- The "Am I You?" Trap: Some mothers expect their adult daughters to live out the dreams the mothers never achieved. They might view a different path as being a personal rejection.
The Obligation of Availability
- The Priority Shift: Many mothers expect that they will continue to be their adult daughter's main confidante. This can lead to resentment for the daughter's partner, spouse and friends who become the daughter's emotional support.
- The Caregiver Default: There is often an unspoken assumption that the mother will be the babysitter for the adult daughter's children. This can cause resentment if the mother has other ways she might want to spend her time. Conversely, a mother might assume she will take care of the daughter's children and become hurt and disappointed when the daughter chooses to hire a nanny instead. In addition, there might be an unspoken assumption by the mother that her daughter will be her physical caretaker as the mother ages. This can cause the mother to feel resentful if the daughter either can't or won't take care of her and the daughter might feel guilty--even if she knows she can't do it.
- The Open Door Policy: There might be an unspoken expectation by both mothers and adult daughters that boundaries don't apply between them so that there can be visits without calling ahead to see if it's convenient.
The Burden of Perfection
- The Flawless History: Adult daughters often expect their mothers to be completely healed, rational and "perfect". They might forget that their mothers can be flawed individuals with their own history of unresolved trauma. Mothers, in turn, might expect that their adult daughter's childhood history became automatically healed because the trauma occurred when the daughter was a child. They think "it happened a long time ago" so their daughter shouldn't still be affected by the trauma.
- The Unconditional Approval: Adult daughters might silently expected unconditional approval for their lifestyle, career or parenting choices. At the same time, mothers might expected their advice to be accepted without question.
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| Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters |
- The Legacy Preservation: Mothers might expect adult daughters to maintain specific family traditions, holidays and ways of communicating exactly as they had been when their daughter was growing up. When a daughter makes decisions about what she wants, which might be different from what the mother wants, the mother might feel sad and resentful. In addition, adult daughters might expect that their mothers will always remain the same and they might become disappointed if mothers want to make changes.
How Can Mothers and Adult Daughters Break These Patterns?
Breaking unspoken expectations requires shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to intentional communication.
This process involves shifting from a mother-child interaction to an adult-to-adult relationship.
Here are some guidelines that might be helpful in making this shift:
Identify the "Trigger and Trend"
Before speaking to each other, identify the patterns between you to understand exactly what is happening:
- Name the Unspoken Rule: Pinpoint the exact expectation (e.g., "Mother expects me to call her every day at the same time and, if I don't, she thinks there's something wrong between us).
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| Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters |
- Notice Your Physical Reaction: Pay attention to when you feel guilty, angry or resentful and notice the physical sensation in your body. Physical reactions about these types of issues often indicate a boundary violation.
- Separate Love From Compliance: Remind yourself that disagreeing with a choice or setting a boundary with a family member doesn't mean you love them less.
Transition From Unspoken to Spoken
Bring the hidden expectations into the light using neutral, non-accusatory language.
- Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person's behavior.
- Call Out the Silent Expectation Gently: Instead of blaming and accusing, you can make an observation. For instance, you could say something like, "I've noticed that when I don't call you every day, you think there's something wrong between us."
- Acknowledge the Good Intention: Validate the love behind the behavior before shifting it. For instance, if your mother gives unsolicited parental advice which you don't agree with, you can say something like, "I know you're offering this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure this out myself."
Establish Clear Behavioral Boundaries
Replace the unspoken rules with a clear, predictable boundary so both of you know what to expect.
- Define Communication Patterns: Instead of waiting for a stressful, angry call from the other person, set a predictable pattern: "Let's get caught up with each other with a phone call every Wednesday night" (or however you want to structure it).
- Set Topic Boundaries: Decide what is "off limits" if certain topics create conflict. For example, you can say something like, "I love you, but I'm not willing to talk to you about my finances."
- Keep the Boundaries: Old habits are often hard to change. If the "off limits" topic comes up, politely remind the other person about the agreement. For instance, you can say, "We agreed not to talk about this" and if the other person persists, you can say, "I'm going ot hang up now. We can talk next Wednesday."
Practice De-Enmeshment (Differentiation)
De-enmeshment is a psychological process of accepting that you are two separate individuals with different minds, feelings, values and lives (see my article: Enmeshed Families).
- Allow Them to Be Disappointed: You cannot control their emotional reaction to your boundary setting. Allow them to sit with their discomfort without trying to 'fix" it.
- Let Go of the Need For Approval: Stop asking for validation for choices you have already made. If you decide to tell them about your decisions, state these decisions as facts rather than a proposal for their approval.
- View Them as a Peer: Remind yourself that your mother is a flawed human being (just as we all are) and that she had a life before you. If you're a mother, remind yourself that your daughter is a grown adult who. must make her own decisions and deal with any mistakes.
Shift From Reacting to Responding
When old patterns come up, pause before you fall back on old patterns.
- Take a Time-Out: Do not respond immediately to an angry text or phone call. Wait 20 minutes to cool down and respond instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).
- Use Deflection: Keep a few phrases handy for when boundaries are pushed. This might involve saying something like, "That's an interesting perspective" or "We just see things differently and that's okay."
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:
Janet and Ann
When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann didn't approve of him.
Ann raised Janet in a strict Christian home and she expected that Janet would maintain the same religious traditions. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she no longer believed in these strict traditions and religion was no longer important to her. Although Ann was very disappointed, she thought that she could convince Janet to change her mind.
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| Problems Between Mothers and Adult Daughters |
When Ann asked Tom about his religion, initially, he was surprised by this intrusive question, but he maintained his composure and told her that he didn't follow any religion. This disturbed Ann, who later told Janet that she believed Tom was "influencing her in the wrong direction."
Janet bristled at this comment and reminded her mother that she had made up her mind about religion long before she met Tom and she didn't want Janet to blame him.
After a few heated arguments, Janet told her mother that she loved her, but this was a topic that was "off limits" between them.
Janet had always struggled to set limits with her mother without feeling guilty. She knew she and her mother were enmeshed and she began therapy to work on this.
Gradually, Janet learned to maintain boundaries that she set with her mother. It wasn't easy at first because she felt guilty about it. But after a while, she felt more entitled to be her own person and to remind her mother that they were two different individuals.
Initially, Ann struggled with Janet's boundary setting. She felt she knew what was best for her adult daughter and she wanted to spare Janet from making mistakes she would regret. But, over time, she realized that if she wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter, she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries.
Conclusion
The vignette in this article is about how a mother has problems with her adult daughter's boundaries but, as I mentioned earlier, the problem is just as likely to be an adult daughter who doesn't respect a mother's boundaries.
Although this article focuses on mother and daughters, there can be similar dynamics between mothers and sons, fathers and sons and fathers and daughters.
Get Help in Therapy
If you are having problems working out issues on your own, you could benefit from working together in mother-daughter therapy.
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| Get Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy |
You might also need to work on issues individually either as a preliminary step before you participate in mother-daughter or even if you never attend this therapy with your relative.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can free yourself from old habitual patterns and you can lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have helped many individuals, couples and mothers and daughters over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.
You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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