Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Ask Your Partner, "Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?"

In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.  

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

See my articles:

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

How to Stop Kitchen Sinking Your Partner

How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop Stonewalling

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?

In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner is upset.

Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful. 

They might want:

• To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or

• To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or

• To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support

Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs. 

You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need: 

    Vignette 1: Jan and Bill

When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion and that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?"  Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.

    Vignette 2: Alice and Nan

After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem with Alice's sister.

    Vignette 3: John and Miguel

After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?"  John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.

Discussion About the Vignettes

These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.  

    Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated.  Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.

    Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.

    Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't always sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.

Conclusion

Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.

They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.

A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need for emotional connection is a universal need for both men and women.  But many men are only comfortable having their emotional needs met through sexual activity (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and The Thrill of the Sexual Chase).  

At the root of this problem is our culture, which gives men the message, either implicitly or explicitly, "Be a man! Don't ask a woman for love and affection! Get her in bed instead!" So, when we consider the enormous pressure society places on men to suppress their emotional needs, is it any wonder that many men can only get their emotional needs met through sex?  

Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need to attach emotionally is a core need that all babies experience from birth.  In fact, this need is so essential that babies wouldn't survive if they couldn't form an emotional attachment with their mothers (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships). 

The need for emotional attachment continues throughout the life cycle from cradle to grave.  So, when men suppress these needs, there are negative consequences, including experiencing shame, depression and anxiety.

While it's true that sex and physical touch can lead to emotional intimacy, the problem arises when it's the only way an individual can seek closeness with a partner.  

In addition, when men can only channel their emotional needs through sex, this creates problems in  relationships with women because women often misunderstand these men, and they think, "He doesn't love me. He's only interested in me for sex," when, in reality, he might really love her.  The problem is that he just doesn't know how to express it in any other way--except through sex.

Common Examples of Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

Here are some common examples:

• Reducing Sadness:  Ted often feels sad, but when he was growing up, he was told by his parents that he needs to be "strong" and it's a sign of weakness when a man expresses sadness.  So, instead of expressing his feelings, Ted disconnects from his sadness by chasing women and hooking up with as many women as he can to experience the comfort of physical touch.  The dopamine release he gets from having sex gives him relief from his sadness temporarily.  But since he only gets a temporary reprieve from his sad feelings, he continues to pursue sex again and again whenever he can't suppress his sadness.

• Reducing Anxiety: John feels overwhelmed by his anxiety, but he doesn't want to appear "weak" by letting anyone know he's anxious.  Instead, he tries to reduce his anxiety by pursuing frequent sexual encounters.  These sexual encounters help to relieve his anxiety for a while, but since the it's only a temporary fix, he continues to pursue sexual activity in order to quell his anxiety.

• Overcoming Loneliness: Mark feels lonely and isolated, but he was raised to believe that "a real man" doesn't feel lonely--much less admit to anyone that he feels this way.  So, rather than seeking emotional connection or talking about his loneliness, he seeks comfort from his loneliness in frequent one night stands.  The physical touch he experiences in these hook ups gives him comfort for a time, but after a while his feelings of loneliness come to the surface again and the only way he knows how to deal with his feelings is through sex.  So, he engages in many one night stands obsessively.

• Seeking Sex Instead of Affection: Alex has been in a monogamous relationship with Jane for a year.  She frequently complains that the only time Alex allows her to get close to him is when they're having sex.  She would like to spend time cuddling and being affectionate with him when they're at home, but whenever she tries to get close to him, he stiffens up and gets defensive. Jane complains to Alex that she feels he doesn't really love her--she thinks he only wants to have sex with her. She tells him that she feels "used" by him.  Whenever Jane tells him this, Alex doesn't know what to say.  He loves Jane, but he doesn't know how to tell her how uncomfortable he feels with physical affection outside of the bedroom.

• Attempting to Repair Arguments With Sex: Bill and Alice have been married for two years.  They have frequent arguments about ongoing unresolved problems.  Whenever Alice tries to get Bill to talk about their problems, she feels disappointed and abandoned because Bill walks away from her.  The more Alice attempts to get Bill to talk, the more emotionally distant he becomes. And the more distant he becomes, the angrier and more frustrated Alice becomes.  After a while, Bill will approach Alice sexually as a way to repair their argument because this is the only way he knows how to reconnect with her.  But Alice is still angry and she's not in the mood for sex.  Whenever Bill approaches her in this way, Alice feels even angrier because she thinks he wants to avoid dealing with their problems by trying to be sexual.  Bill, in turn, feels Alice doesn't understand him.  He loves her and he just wants to get close to her in bed, but since she turns him down at these times, he doesn't know what else to do.

The scenarios outlined above are only a few examples of men who can only get their emotional needs met through sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Experiencing your full range of core emotions--including anger, sadness, joy, disgust, and sexual excitement is a universal need.

If you're suppressing your core emotions--with the exception of sexual excitement--you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome these problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of their core emotions so that they could lead healthier and happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.