What is Socios£xuality?

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality is the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship.  Sociosexuality is also known as sociosexual orientation.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Sociosexuality involves behaviors and attitudes related to:

• Actual and preferred frequency of sex
• Number of desired partners
• Whether or not there are extramarital affairs
• Engaging in sex outside a committed relationship
• How likely a person is to engage in sexual fantasies about people outside their current relationship

What is the Difference Between Restricted vs Unrestricted Sociosexuality?

Although sociosexuality is usually presented as being either restricted or unrestricted, in actuality, sociosexuality is probably on a continuum just like sexual orientation, gender and relationship styles are on a continuum.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Here are the definitions of restricted and unrestricted sociosexuality:

Restricted Sociosexuality

• Usually unwilling to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Prefer to engage in sex where there is love, emotional connection and commitment
• Usually not interested in a diversity of partners because they prefer to focus on one person
• Prefer less sexual variety
• Tend to seek relationship stability
• Tend to get involved in long term relationships
• Tend to be less comfortable picking up strangers or being picked up by strangers
• Generally, less likely to cheat
• Lesbians and heterosexual women tend to be more restrictive than bisexual women (based on research)

Unrestricted Sociosexuality

• Usually more willing to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Able to engage in sex where there is no love, emotional connection or commitment
• Desire a diversity of sexual partners as opposed to focusing on one partner
• Desire more sexual variety
• Tend not to be as concerned, in general, about being in a stable relationship
• Tend to get involved in shorter term relationships with less commitment and emotional connection
• Tend to feel comfortable picking up strangers and being picked up by strangers
• Generally, more likely to cheat
• Bisexual women tend to be less restrictive as compared to heterosexual and lesbian women (based on sex research)

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Sociosexuality?

Understanding your own sociosexuality helps you to understand yourself in terms of what you want from dating, relationships and sex.  It helps to put your preferences in context of what is known about sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Understanding other people's sociosexuality helps you to determine whether or not you and they are compatible.

What Are the Implications of Sociosexuality with Regard to Dating and Relationships?

Sex researchers have determined that people who tend to use picture based dating apps tend to have unrestricted or less restrictive sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

People with restricted sociosexuality tend to express less satisfaction with picture based dating apps because these people are focused on more than just looks.

Knowing whether you and a prospective partner are compatible with regard to sociosexuality is more likely to contribute to relationship and sexual satisfaction for both of you.

More sex research is needed to explore sociosexuality on a spectrum rather than categorizing it as either restricted or unrestricted.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Flirting Styles: The Playful Flirting Style

I'm continuing to discuss the five flirting styles, as defined by Dr. Jeffrey Hall in his book, The Five Flirting Styles, in this article.  

As mentioned in my earlier articles, Dr. Hall's book has a heteronormative perspective, so it doesn't address LGBTQ issues--although many of the general concepts could apply.

Even though I'm discussing each flirting style individually, be aware that people are usually a combination of flirting styles.

In this article, I'm focusing on the Playful Flirting Style.

My two prior articles provide information about flirting styles and those article will help you to understand the current article better:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. Often, but not always, they have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoy being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but many playful flirts aren't especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest, but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of that and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Sociosexuality and Erotophilia

Sociosexuality, also called sociosexual orientation, refers to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship or a relationship with an emotional bond.

Unrestricted sociosexuality means more of a willingness to engage in casual sex.,  

Restricted sociosexuality means less of a willingness to engage in casual sex.

See the prior article for a more detailed explanation of sociosexuality. 

That article also has information about erotophilia, which is a personality trait that indicates a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.

The Playful Flirting Style

Like all the Flirting Styles, the Playful Flirting Style refers to a range of flirtatious behavior from innocuous to highly manipulative. The more manipulative strategies, like the ones that pickup artists, also known as players, are manipulative and can be hurtful.

According to Dr. Hall, someone with a Playful Flirting Style flirts:

• In many instances--even when there's no interest or chance for a relationship

• Possibly when they're trying to get something from you (e.g., a ride home, a dinner, concert tickets, etc)

• As a way to joke around to get to know you

• As a way to pick you up, especially at a bar

• When there is an interest in casual sex or sometimes more

• Sarcastically as a way to initiate banter with you

• To establish a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship with you

• Possibly even if you or they are in a relationship or married

• Because they're mostly interested in the here-and-now (as opposed to long term)

• By sexting to get your attention or string you along (see my article on breadcrumbing)

Playful Flirting as Complementary to the Physical Flirting Style

As mentioned in my last article, the Playful Flirting Style is complementary to the Physical Flirting Style.

Playful and Physical Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall, it's common for people who use playful flirting to also use physical flirting.  This can lead to intense sexual chemistry and attraction if both people are interested.

Men and Women

Both men and women use the Playful Flirting Style with or without physical flirting.

Even though playful flirts are usually socially adept, they're often rebellious, they are less likely to adhere to social conventions (as compared to polite or traditional flirts, which will be discussed in future articles).  

Some playful flirts can be somewhat callous, and if someone's feelings get hurt, they don't feel remorse because they feel this comes with the territory.

For many people who use the Playful Flirting Style, flirting is mostly fun and games.

Many playful flirts like to remain single to be able to continue to engage in playful flirting unfettered by a committed relationship.

Even the ones who are in a committed relationship might flirt with others in front of their partners and think nothing of it because, from their point of view, they don't mean anything by it.  As far as they're concerned, they're mostly flirting for the sake of flirting and it's meaningless to them.

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Playful Flirting Style is most prevalent among 25-35 year olds--although any of the flirting styles can be used at any time, at any age and with anyone.

Why Do People Use Playful Flirting?

Based on Dr. Hall's research, here are some of the reasons why people use playful flirting:

• It makes them feel good because it's an ego boost.

• It's how they connect with people.

• They often don't care if the other person flirts back with them since they're not necessarily looking for anything to happen.

• Women who use playful flirting often use it as a way to get attention and signal an interest in the other person.

• Some men, who are pickup artists, also known as players, use the combination of giving a woman a compliment at the same time they criticize her, which is meant as a manipulation to get her to defend herself (this is called negging).  They see this as their way of flirting but, unlike other playful flirts, they usually have a particular agenda, which is to make a sexual conquest.

See my article: The Sincere Flirting Style

Conclusion

Playful flirting is one of five flirting styles, as defined by researcher and author Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, people are often a combination of flirting styles and some styles are more likely to occur in combination others. For instance, playful and physical flirting often go together.

Both men and women engage in playful flirting, which is usually meant to be casual.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Flirting Styles: The Physical Flirting Style

In a prior article, What's Your Flirting Style?, I began a discussion about the five flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want.  Dr. Hall did extensive research on this topic, as described in his book.

The Physical Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Physical Flirting Style, but first, let's review of the 5 Flirting Styles:

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

If you haven't read my prior article, I suggest you take a moment to review it because it provides an overview of the five flirting styles, as described by Dr. Hall in his research on flirting.

It's important to note that Dr. Hall's research focused on heterosexual men and women, so it does not include the LGBTQ population.

In reality, most people are a combination of flirting styles. 

There is often one style that predominates for a particular person.  For the sake of simplicity, I'll be discussing these styles individually.

As a recap from the last article, here's a brief summary:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality, which is also referred to as sociosexual orientation, was studied by the famous Sex Researcher Alfred Kinsey over 70 years ago.

Since that time, sex researchers have continued to study sociosexuality.

Sociosexuality is on a spectrum with regard to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activities without emotional involvement. 

On one end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is unrestricted, a person is willing to have sex without emotional involvement--"no strings attached."  

On the other end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is more restricted, a person needs to feel an emotional attachment in order to have sex. 

Then, there's everyone else in between.

The revised Sociosexual Orientation Inventory (SOI-R) was designed to measure sociosexuality in three areas:

• Behavior
• Attitude
• Desire

A High SOI means an unrestricted orientation.  

A low SOI means a more restricted orientation.

Unrestricted sociosexuality is associated with:

• Early life experiences with sex
• More frequent sexual activity
• A greater number of sexual partners over the course of a lifetime

People with unrestricted sociosexuality also tend to score 

• Higher on openness to experience
• Extroversion
• Lower agreeableness
• Lower on honesty-humility
• Higher on erotophilia*

*Erotophilia is a personality trait which assesses a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.  

People with an erotophilic personality tend to 

• Masturbate more
• Fantasize more frequently
• Think about sex more often
• Tend to have more sexual experiences.

The scale ranges from erotophobic** to erotophilia.

People with an erotophobic personality tend to have

• More traditional sex roles
• Sexual guilt 
• Negative reactions to masturbation
• Negative reactions to non-heteronormative sexuality

Sociosexuality and Flirting Styles

Sociosexuality is related to a person's flirting style and the types of relationships they prefer.

The more unrestricted a person is with regard to their sociosexuality, the more willing they are to 

• Pick up strangers
• Hooking up for casual sex or one-night stands
• Have multiple sexual partners 

The more restricted a person's sociosexuality the less likely they would be to 

• Engage in casual sexual behavior
• Have multiple partners or cheat.

Knowing your sociosexuality is important to knowing whether you want to seek out a more stable relationship if you're more restricted or if you want to see people casually for sex if you are more unrestricted.  

It's also important to know your sociosexual orientation can change over time.

People who have a more restricted sociosexual orientation tend to have either a 

• Traditional Flirting Style, or a
• Polite Flirting Style

People who have a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation tend to have a 

• Physical Flirting Style, or a 
• Playful Flirting Style

The Physical Flirting Style

    Age

With regard to age, according to Dr. Hall, people in their 30s are most likely to use the Physical Flirting Style as opposed to people in their 40s and beyond. 

This is, of course, a generalization and it doesn't mean that people in their 40s and beyond don't use their physicality to flirt.  It just means that many people tend to be most confident in their physical appearance in their 30s.

Another possible factor with regard to people beyond their 30s using the Physical Flirting Style is that, many of them are more interested in having a meaningful relationship as opposed to hooking up or casual dating. Once again, this is a generalization, but it's a possibility that Dr. Hall posits in his writing.

It's noteworthy that, according to Dr. Hall, many people in their 20s aren't as confident using the Physical Flirting Style, especially those who haven't had enough sexual, dating and relationship experience.  Based on Dr. Hall's research, people in their 20s are the age group that uses the Physical Flirting Style the least. 

    Women vs Men

Dr. Hall indicates that, comparing men and women, women tend to use physical flirting more often because, as women, they have more options as to how they use physicality--like flicking their hair, using making up, wearing sexy outfits, and so on.

This doesn't mean that men don't use the Physical Flirting Style--because they do.  They just do it in a different way as described in the two scenarios below.

Generally, women, who use a Physical Flirting Style, are good at attracting men through nonverbal cues, and men tend to be the ones who make the approach. There are, of course, women who approach men, but it doesn't occur as often.

Please Note: If this is your Flirting Style, it's important to remember that not everyone will be receptive to physical flirting, especially if it involves touching.  So, you have to be aware that it's one thing to touch someone's arm lightly versus touching other body parts.  And for some people even touching their arm might be considered a boundary violation.  Consent and context are important.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The Playful Flirting Style, which I 'll discuss in a future article, is the style most closely linked to the Physical Flirting Style.  The other flirting styles don't usually complement physical flirting.

Personality and the Physical Flirting Style

Generally speaking, people who use the Physical Flirting Style are

• Outgoing
• Friendly
• Like to be around other people.  
• Tend to have a positive disposition

Examples of the Physical Flirting Style

Here are two examples of the Physical Flirting Style:

Donna

Before going out with friends to a club, Donna gets herself in the mood for the night by blasting dance music and dancing around the room as she picks out the outfit she wants to wear based on her mood that night.

Once she meets up with her friends at a club, she makes it a habit not to stick with her women friends the whole night because she knows that many guys are too uncomfortable to approach a woman who is with a bunch of her friends. So she will occasionally go to the bar to order a drink on her own.  

The Physical Flirting Style

While she's at the bar, she will notice if there's anyone she finds attractive.  If there is, she will find a way to stand next to him, make eye contact, smile and greet him, "What's going on?" or she might ask him what he's drinking or any friendly comment to get the conversation started.

If the attractive guy at the bar doesn't seem interested, she'll linger for a moment and give it a second try with another friendly comment. But if there's still no interest, she won't hang around. Her attitude is "There's plenty of fish in the sea" so she doesn't need to waste her time with someone who's not interested in her.

But if she senses his interest, she knows it doesn't really matter what she talks about as long as she keeps the conversation going and she draws him in.  From there, as she talks, she will find ways to touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder--always making it look casual.  If the conversation is going well, she might give him her number or ask for his.

For some guys, Donna's Physical Flirting style might be too disarming and forward. This would be especially true for a man with a Traditional Flirting style, who likes to stick to traditional gender roles where the man initiates and a woman responds. But if the man Donna is talking to also has a Physical Flirting or a Playful Flirting Style, he might be delighted to meet Donna because they're on the same wavelength.

On other nights if Donna is in the mood to dance, she gets up on the dance floor by herself and let's herself dance with abandon. Inevitably, a guy will approach her and start dancing with her.  If she's attracted to him, she usually suggests they go outside for some air so they can talk more easily away from the noise.

If she's really attracted to the guy and she's feeling sexually aroused, she might ask him back to the apartment she shares with two other roommates. 

In some cases, these hookups remain one night stands for her because that's all she's interested in.  In other cases, she dates these men for a while or the encounter develops into a short term relationship.

Donna tends to go out with a confident and positive attitude. Even if she doesn't meet anyone she's attracted to on a particular night, she just thinks she'll meet someone the next time.  

A few years later, when Donna has matured and she wants to get into a long term relationship, she realizes she needs to change her Flirting Style.  

In terms of her sociosexual orientation, Donna had a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation when she was younger, which is common.  As she matures, she isn't as unrestricted because she's no longer interested in just having sex without an emotional bond, so she is somewhat more restricted--although, along the way to finding a serious relationship, she still enjoys occasional casual sex when she's in the mood.

As she matures, she remains confident, friendly and positive, but she puts more thought into her choices.  She also puts more thought into how she approaches guys.  

Her flirting style has evolved into a more Sincere Flirting Style style, where she's more interested in getting to know the man better before she's sexual with him.  However, her fliring style is now more of a hybid because she still experiences times when she has a Physical Flirting Style.  

John

John also has a Physical Flirting Style when he is in his 20s.

Before going to a club to pick up women, he always makes sure he does some manscaping and packs condoms in case he "gets lucky." He also stands in front of the mirror to comb his hair just the way he likes it (picture Tony Manero of Saturday Night Fever).

During that time, some women are put off by John's swagger.  But other women are attracted to his confident, friendly and outgoing manner, especially if they aren't looking for anything serious.

He usually looks for women who are standing alone and who look approachable. He's good at reading body language and other cues that a woman is interested. Then, after a few words of conversation, he buys them a drink.  If that goes, he would ask them to dance.  

The Physical Flirting Style

On the dance floor, he's never creepy or predatory.

He often ends the night with several women's phone numbers.  Sometimes, he hooks up with women in the backseat of his car or at a nearby motel.  In his 20s, he consides that a good night out.  

During that time, he's honest with women that he isn't looking for anything serious so there won't be any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. And, at any given time, he's usually dating several women at once, which he's also honest about with each woman.

But in his early 30s, John begins thinking seriously about what he wants. He isn't interested any more in hooking up for the sake of hooking up. It's become boring for him and he wants something more.

As his buddies get into serious relationships, get married and have children, John sees the appeal of their new lives.  Hooking up now feels empty and meaningless to him.  He wants to develop a relationship and build a life with someone.

The clubs no longer have as much of an appeal to him anymore, which is fortunate because there are fewer of them by the time John is in his 30s.  Instead, he joins dating apps to meet women.

In terms of his sociosexual orientation, John has changed from having a mostly unrestricted sociosexual orientation to being more selective. He isn't restricted, but he is more selective. He still enjoys casual sex at times, but he's more focused on meeting someone for a committed relationship.

His female friends complain to him that they're having problems meeting anyone serious on the dating apps but, as a man in New York City, he discovers he has a lot more choices than his female friends.

After many first dates with other women, he meets Sara.  Even though, in terms of how he's still mostly the physical flirting type, he takes his time to get to know her. Rather than just focusing on having sex right away, he establishs a rapport with her similar to the Sincere Flirting Style. 

Conclusion

The Physical Flirting style is one of five styles.

People with this style often use nonverbal touch and open body language. They're often good at reading other people's verbal and nonverbal cues to determine if they're interested. It's the also flirting style that is most sexually charged.

As illustrated in the examples above, flirting styles can change over time as people develop and mature.  Or, they can essentially remain the same but evolve over time.

In reality, most people are some combination of the flirting styles with two or more flirting styles.

In future articles, I'll focus on the other flirting styles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.