Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

I'm continuing my earlier discussion about the psychological aspects of Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy, which I started with Part 1 and Part 2 of this topic.  I will continue to focus on Ms Ferrante's first two books in her trilogy, My Brilliant Friend and The Story of a New Name.   In  this article, I'll discuss the topic, developing a sense of belonging.

Developing a Sense of Belonging

Making Changes
As I did in my two prior articles, I'm using the character, Elena Greco, from Ms. Ferrante's novels to illustrate how change, which includes developing your sense of self as a separate person from family and friends, can be challenging and how this challenge can be overcome.

As I mentioned in my prior articles, Elena Greco, through her determination and hard work and with the help of a teacher, was able to transcend her circumstances in a poor town on the outskirts of Naples to fulfill her dream of becoming educated with a much brighter future than she ever could have had if she followed in the footsteps of her parents.

At the same time, as anyone who has made similar changes knows, it's hard to let go of a way of life that has been part of your family for many generations.  It's even harder to feel that, with your education and broader horizons, your family and old friends might see you as being "different" now--even if they still love you and want you to succeed.

Many clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice, who are first-generation American, express how torn they feel emotionally between following their parents'  customs and rituals that have been part of the family for generations and adopting the customs of their new country.  

Some people, who have struggled with this emotional dilemma, learn, over time, to strike a balance between familial customs and new customs.

Others, who find it too difficult, might take an all-or-nothing attitude by either leaving behind all the traditional customs in order to blend in and feel that they belong in their new country, or by resisting all new customs.

Most of the time, it's almost impossible for people not to feel the pull of the traditional culture as well as the new culture.

The character, Elena Greco, who remained in her country, but who might as well have gone to a different country because of the changes involved in moving from a poor town near Naples and going to college in Pisa, is acutely aware of her family's and friends' mixed reactions to her.  She's also aware that she doesn't feel like she belongs in her new surroundings.

A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need
A sense of belonging is a basic human need.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need

From the time that we're born, we're hardwired for attachment to our primary caregivers and without them, we can't survive.

Similarly, from the days of cave men and cave women and beyond, survival depended upon belonging to a tribe.  No one could go it alone and survive.  During those times, being banished from the tribe meant death.

Although most of us don't live in small tribes anymore, we still have a basic need to belong, whether it's a need to be part of a family, a group or a community with shared values.

Getting back to Ms. Ferrante's character, Elena Greco:  Her story illustrates how painful it can be to make the transition and straddle between two different cultures.  Her story is also emblematic of the experiences of anyone who has made this kind of change.

At first, she was ashamed because she felt inferior to the classmates she met in Pisa.  She was mostly aware of how different she was from them, and she felt she didn't belong there.

Similarly, initially, many people who go through this transition are painfully aware of how different they are from the new group that they are entering into, whether, as in Elena's case, it's a difference of socioeconomic status, language, dress or other customs.  

Whether you're a college student in a new city or someone who has moved to another part of the country or the world, initially, you might feel uncomfortable because you feel like you don't belong.

But many people in this situation discover that they have much more common with people from the new group than they initially realized.  So, while you might be very aware of how you and others are different, it's just as important to realize that you probably have a lot in common too.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:

• Look for and Accept Opportunities For Connection:  Before you get to know people, you might make certain negative assumptions about them.  But you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that your assumptions aren't correct when you take the time to get to know people.  If there are opportunities to connect, accept them, keep an open mind, and get to know others.

• Get to Know People as Individuals:  It's not unusual, at first, to see people who are part of another group as being all the same.  But, in reality, we are all individuals, so it's important, to get to know each person as an individual rather than making assumptions about them because they're part of a particular group.

• Discover Common Values:  Common values can create bonds.  While you might not share the same exact values, looking for some common values can be a start towards developing a sense of belonging.  So, for instance, even though you might be from a different religion, you and the new people that you're meeting might share a wish for there to be peace regardless of religion. This can be a powerful bond.  Or, for instance, you might discover that others have had similar losses and a similar understanding of what it means to cope with loss and emotional pain.  This can also serve as a powerful bond.

• Strive to Be Non-judgmental:  Acceptance is different from agreement.  You might not agree with everything about the new group but, in most instances, you can learn to be nonjudgmental.  This doesn't mean that you take on values that you might not believe in or that you're not discerning about what's best for you.  It does, however, mean that you don't automatically judge someone as unacceptable because you and s/he might have different views.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Sometimes, unfamiliar people and places can be overwhelming, even when you've tried to get to know them and discover commonalities.  You might feel lonely or depressed because you feel like an outsider.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.  Many people before you have struggled with the same problem and have learned to overcome it.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with people in this type of situation.

Getting Help in Therapy to Develop a Sense of Belonging

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference between feeling like an outside and developing a sense of belonging.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2

In the first part of this discussion, Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life,  I began a discussion about Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy and the various themes in her books about change, courage, self identity, loss, friendship, family, trauma and triumph over adversity.

Making Changes:  What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life

In this article, I'm expanding on this topic by discussing the challenges involved with making changes, even when these changes are positive, by continuing to use Ms. Ferrante's stories to illustrate my points.

In Ms. Ferrante's books, starting with My Brilliant Friend, the protagonist, Elena, has an opportunity to continue her education beyond elementary school to high school and even to college.  Coming from a poor community on the outskirts of Naples, Italy in the 1950s where most people are just struggling to survive, this is highly unusual, especially for a girl.

Although there is no doubt that this opportunity is a change for the better, higher education, especially for girls, isn't valued by Elena's parents or most of the people in her small town.

From a practical point of view, her parents are just scraping by, so the cost of a higher education is a luxury that they can't afford, especially in a society that sees women as eventually getting married, having children, and being subservient to her husband.

Determination to Change in the Face of Adversity
How does someone like Elena, who in her wildest dreams, never even imagined that she could attend high school--let alone college, deal with the internal and external conflicts that arise in this situation?

Once the financial obstacles are removed, Elena is determined to succeed even though there are still many practical and psychological obstacles.  She stays focused on what she wants--even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and she knows it will be difficult.

Step by step, she perseveres.  She studies hard.  In situations where she has no experience and she feels socially inadequate, she is a keen observer of others and learns by example.  She also struggles with her internal demons that tell her she's "not good enough."

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt weigh on her throughout much of the story, but her determination, intelligence and ability to adapt help her to keep going.

Making Changes and, as a Result, Feeling Like an Outsider
Elena also struggles with feeling like an outsider among her peers in college, many of whom had opportunities and social experiences throughout their lives that she never had.

Although she earned her right to attend college, she must still confront class and social prejudice among students who are much more privileged than she is.  But she learns to win over these students with her good nature and patience.

Nevertheless, throughout it all, she's aware of not only what she has gained, but also what she has lost while she is in college. This includes the security of the world she has known her all of her life. It also includes the certainty of the role she would have taken as a woman in the 1950s in a small provincial town.

Although, given her dreams, she might not have been suited for this limited role, it seems pretty certain what it would have been:  wife, mother, daughter, sister, someone whose needs would have been subordinated to others' needs.

Even though this limited role might have been unappealing, the certainty of it and her place in her community would have been assured, especially as compared to the uncertainty as she forges a new path, which is unchartered territory for women in that place and time.

Going against the tide in her community, she must also contend with feeling somewhat like an outsider at home because she's now a college student, an intellectual (in a poor community where intellect is often devalued compared to having more concrete skills), and someone who has learned to speak Italian in an eloquent way, as opposed to speaking in the dialect of her community.

So, initially, she feels like an outsider in both worlds.

She has many doubts:  Which world does she belong to once she leaves her home town and goes to college in Milan?  She no longer completely fits in, as she did before, in her home town.  She is also aware that her family and old friends sense this and they are also confused and disturbed by it.  They're ambivalent.  Some people from her home town who admire her also mock her at the same time.  She's different now and, for many of them, her advances highlight their shortcomings.

Anyone who has ever made a major change where it involves going against tradition knows what this feels like.  Certainly, it can feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to persevere (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World).  Even then, it might feel like something old and familiar is irrevocably lost.

This is especially true for Elena because during that time there was no clear path for women to excel in the region where she lived, even women with a college degree.  Times were changing in Italy, but the changes were just beginning to occur in the larger metropolitan cities.

Major Life Transitions and Changes in a Sense of Self
Feeling like an outsider also brings up a related issue, which is how this affects one's sense of self.

As Elena is transitioning from her sense of self from her early days in Naples to her new sense of self as a college educated woman, the change feels daunting.

Even after she receives recognition and praise by her professors and peers, she is constantly afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing."  She fears that she will be "found out," shown to be an imposture and a fraud to her new acquaintances as well as to herself.

This is a common experience among people who are making big changes during that transitional phase.  For Elena and others in similar situations, they no longer feel completely comfortable in their old world, but they're also not completely comfortable in their new world.

During that initial phase of the change, their sense of self hasn't been integrated and consolidated yet.  This often comes gradually over time.  And the inner critical voice, which says, "Just who do you think you are!?!" can be even more disturbing than the external critical voices.

Integrating Change With the Many Aspects of Self
When you're making major changes, it takes time to integrate these changes to develop a new sense of self.

Over time, your perception of yourself will include the former aspects of yourself before the change as well as the newer aspects.  This is somewhat of an oversimplification, but is generally true.

Often, it's only with the benefit of hindsight and self reflection that you realize how you've changed.

For Elena, this psychological process means that, along with the new aspects of herself that are developing, she also maintains the older aspects of self, her integrity, courage, empathy, and love for the people who are significant in her life--even if they don't feel they really understand her now that she's taken a step away from them by going to college with all the changes that this brings.

Moving Away Psychologically as Part of Changing
Moving away as part of changing doesn't only involve a geographic move.  Often, a psychological move is involved that can be much more subtle than physically moving away.

In Elena's case, her move away from what's familiar starts on a psychological basis as she allows herself to see the possibilities beyond the boundaries of her home town.  This might not sound so extraordinary these days to people living in the modern Western world.  But during the 1950s in her community, where Elena's story begins, the ability to see beyond her current circumstance is amazing at the same time that it's profoundly scary.

The initial phase of this psychological process, taking the psychic space that she needs to become the person that she eventually becomes, is necessary before she can make the geographic move.  Even with all of her initial doubts, she takes a psychological leap of faith that she could have a better life by going to college, even though the road ahead isn't clear.

I think the protagonist's psychological struggles and triumph over adversity is one of the many reasons why Elena Ferrante's novels are so inspiring.

In a future article, I'll continue to expand upon these themes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging.  Rather going through a major life transition alone, you could work with a licensed mental health professional in a supportive therapeutic environment who can help you to feel empowered as you accomplish your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: Developing a Sense of Belonging.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 1

Most of the articles in my psychotherapy blog are about making changes.  These include changes to our internal and external worlds as well as changes in our relationships.  Sometimes making these changes involve making choices about who or what to keep and what to let go of in our lives.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go of in Your Life

Change:  What We Keep and What We Let Go of in Your Life
Change isn't easy, especially when it involves the possibility of letting go of strongly held personal identities, people, places, beliefs and things that have had a profound effect on your life.

Even when you know it's for the best, letting go is hard.  Letting go can affect how you see yourself, how you see others as well as how others see you.

It can mean that you give up someone or something that was cherished for a long time, as when you  give up a way of being, a relationship that has become unhealthy for you or a home.

There are also different levels of knowing.

Often, knowing that change is necessary starts on a purely intellectual level.  At the same time, on an emotional level, you might want to pull back and stay with what's familiar rather than dealing with the unknown.

The deeper emotional knowing often comes over time as the heart and mind become aligned.

Elena Ferrante and Her Neapolitan Trilogy
Based on several recommendations, I recently began reading the Neapolitan trilogy by Elena Ferrante, including My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name and Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay.

As I read these books, I'm reminded, once again, of how much we can learn about ourselves and others from literature.

Over the course of the three books, the protagonist, Elena Greco, narrates her life story and her 60+ year relationship with her best friend, Lila Cerrulo, from the time when they were young girls growing up in a poor town just outside of Naples to their lives as women.  She takes us into the psychological worlds of these characters in a profound and gripping way.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go

There are many themes in Ms. Ferrante's books, including the changes that both characters make to overcome soul-crushing poverty.  These changes involve making difficult decisions as well as sacrifices.

As the narrator, Elena Greco, tells her tale, the reader is drawn in, sharing to this intimate story.

At the same time, the reader can reflect on his or her own life, similar experiences of friendship, family history, love, loss, fear, betrayal, trauma as well as a fierce determination to overcome personal obstacles.

Over the years, the intense friendship between Elena and Lila involves many instances of coming together and moving apart as they each struggle to make sense of their lives and the world around them.  Both of them are intelligent, perceptive and curious.  As children, Lila is the bolder one.

Then, through a combination of personal determination, luck, and outside intervention, one of them has an opportunity for higher education and the other chooses the path of an early marriage and financial stability.

Naples, Italy

There is irony and reversals of fortune along the way.  Efforts that seem long and fruitless bring unexpected surprises.  Efforts that appear to be a sure way out of misery lead to even greater misfortune.

Throughout the years, the two friends maintain a strong inner awareness of each other, even during times of estrangement.

Given how limited and impoverished their world is, both characters, as girls and later on as women, are courageous in the way they're willing to explore their inner world as well as the unknown world outside of their community.

For both characters, in different ways, this often involves going against the tide of long-held traditions, expectations, and community opinion in order to pursue their dreams.  Sometimes, it means risking it all and going it alone in a world where survival often depends on community. 

Ms. Ferrante, who also grew up in Naples, draws readers in with a compelling story and characters are well defined and true to life.  You can't help caring about them deeply as if they're people that you've known intimately all of your life.  And although the story takes place in Italy, Elena and Lila's struggles are universal, which is why I believe Ms. Ferrante has developed such a devoted following.

Not only do we feel that we know these characters--we actually do know them very well--they are each of us at one time or another in our lives. 

It is noteworthy that Ms. Ferrante's devoted following developed despite the fact that Ms. Ferrante (not her real name) remains somewhat of a mystery.

She doesn't do personal appearances to promote her books, nor does she do in-person interviews (her interviews are conducted via email).  She let her publishers know early on that, if there were going to be any prizes for the books, she would not be there in person to accept them.

As of this writing, she hasn't even divulged her real name.  So, her following is based solely on her beautiful writing, excellent reviews (see:  James Woods' review in the New Yorker magazine) and word of mouth among her fans.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go

While reading her books, I've come away with the impression that her stories might be personal, which could be one of the reasons why she prefers to remain anonymous.

Her stories are a reminder that even when change is for the better, it's often not so black or white because even positive changes often come with loss.

Whether it's a change in how we experience ourselves, a change in our close relationships or a change in the place that we call "home," there are often difficult choices to make.

What Does It Mean to "Let Go"?
What does it mean to "let go" of experiences that are deeply felt and have had a negative impact on us?

Certainly, it doesn't mean that we forget them.

The process of letting go of these experiences means letting go of the negative effect they have on us so that they're no longer running our lives, and we're no longer repeating destructive patterns because of these experiences.

If these experiences are particularly traumatic, part of the change, which is often made in psychotherapy, is working through these experiences so they no longer affect us in the present.

We Can Learn About Ourselves and Others Through Literature

I believe Ms. Ferrante's books are such excellent examples of many themes that I write about in my psychotherapy blog and discuss with my clients in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC that I'll continue this discussion in a future article.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to make changes in your life, you're not alone.

Many people who have struggled like you have found it helpful to work with a licensed mental health professional to work on these changes in therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2