Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care During Turbulent Times

Self care is important in the best of times, but it's especially important during turbulent and stressful times whether it involves stress in your personal life or beyond (see my article: Post Election Stress and Anxiety).

Self Care During Turbulent Times

Many people think self care is selfish, but this couldn't be further from the truth. 

In fact, self care is essential to everyone's well-being (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

What Does Self Care During Turbulent Times Mean?

Self care during turbulent and stressful times means engaging in behavior that prioritizes your physical and emotional health including:

• Health Eating: Nutritious meals and good hydration

• Regular Exercise: Exercise which is appropriate for you like walking, running, yoga and other similar activities (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?)

• Good Sleep: At least 8 hours to recharge your mind and body (see my article: Tips For Improving Your Sleep)

Self Care: Good Sleep

• Mindfulness Meditation (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation to Reduce Stress and Anxiety)

Self Care: Meditation and Breathing Exercises

• Breathing Exercises (see my article: What is Square Breathing?)

• Journaling to Process Your Feelings (see my article: Journaling to Cope With Stress and Anxiety)

Self Care: Journaling

• Maintaining Social Connections (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation)

Self Care: Maintaining Social Connections

How to Approach New Self Care Habits

• Be Flexible: New habits can take a while to develop, so strive to be consistent, but also be flexible instead of trying to be perfect (see my article:  Overcoming Perfectionism).

Self Care: Be Flexible and Start Small

• Start Small: Start small and progress in a manageable way over time. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with problems you have been unable to resolve on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through unresolved issues, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can lead a more meaningful life.

Also see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

    See my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Communication: Are You Uncomfortable Talking to Your Partner About Certain Topics?

As a couples therapist and certified sex therapist in New York City, I meet with many individuals and couples where one partner feels threatened by the other partner's thoughts and fantasies about other people.

Talking About Fantasies

Usually the partner who feels uncomfortable believes their partner shouldn't need to think about someone else.  This often results in arguments and power struggles with the first partner feeling threatened and the other partner feeling intruded upon.

Psychoeducation About Sexual Thoughts and Fantasies

When I work with clients who are struggling with this problem, after I assess that there is no active infidelity, I provide psychoeducation about thoughts and fantasies:

• Thoughts and fantasies aren't reality.

• Thoughts and fantasies don't necessarily indicate intentions and real life experiences.  Thoughts are just thoughts--they're not facts.

• Thoughts and fantasies about other people have nothing to do with you. These thoughts don't mean your partner doesn't care about you or they aren't turned on by you.

Talking About Fantasies

• Romantic and sexual thoughts and fantasies often come unbidden and they usually have little or nothing to do with the actual person your partner is fantasizing about.

• Respect each other's personal boundaries and privacy: If hearing about your partner's fantasies about other people makes you feel uncomfortable, let your partner know. And if you're the one who wants to share fantasies about someone else and you know your partner is uncomfortable with it, don't talk about it (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships).

• If your insecurity about your partner's fantasies are rooted in earlier problems (e.g., unresolved childhood trauma or prior infidelity), get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can work through this issue in couples/sex therapy. (Note: Even though the vignette below discusses a heterosexual couple with heteronormative dynamics, this is also a common problem in LGBTQ+ relationships too).

Nan and Bill

Nan and Bill were married and in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. They were both happy with their sex life, but Nan didn't like when Bill shared his sexual fantasies about other women.  

Whenever Nan heard Bill talk about random women he fantasized about, she felt insecure and wondered if he felt she wasn't enough for him.

Her insecurity was exacerbated by her family history where her father often compared her  unfavorably to her older sister (see my article: Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Her father would praise her older sister's grades, her athletic ability and her ease with making friends. He would often say, "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

When she was a child, Nan struggled to get good grades, so every time her father criticized her and praised her sister, Nan felt diminished and insecure.

Bill thought sharing his sexual fantasies with Nan would spice up their sex life. He said he had no intention of actually having sex with any of the women he fantasized about and he had never cheated before.

After Bill realized that Nan was uncomfortable with his fantasies, he stopped sharing them.  But, by that time, Nan couldn't stop wondering about his fantasies about other women. 

Even though she knew she would feel uncomfortable, she would frequently ask him if he was still fantasizing about others. It was as if she couldn't stop herself from asking.

Bill didn't want to hurt Nan, so he would reassure her that he loved her very much and, whatever thoughts he might have about other women, had nothing to do with her or their relationship.  

But no amount of reassurance from Bill helped Nan to feel secure.  She trusted Bill and she knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but she couldn't stop asking him about his thoughts.

After a few months of arguing, Bill and Nan sought help from a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. 

After getting a thorough family and relationship history for Bill and Nan, the therapist realized that Nan's problem with Bill's fantasies were rooted in her history.

The therapist helped Nan to become aware of her insecurity and separate her unresolved childhood trauma from her relationship with Bill. Nan also sought help in trauma therapy to work through the unresolved childhood trauma.

Nan and Bill Talking About Fantasies

After a while, Nan realized she also had fantasies about other men and some women.  Before attending sex therapy, she never allowed these fantasies to go far in her mind because she felt guilty about them. 

But, once Nan realized that Bill got sexually aroused by her fantasies, she shared them with him. At that point, she wanted to hear Bill's fantasies because, after she got over her insecurities, she also got turned on by them and these fantasies enlivened their sex life.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to sharing and hearing about fantasies.  

For a variety of reasons, some people feel uncomfortable and other people get turned on. 

Talking to Your Partner About Fantasies

Both reactions are equally valid. So, it's important to know yourself and your partner enough to know what works for you as a couple.

If knowing that your partner's fantasizes about other people makes you feel insecure, you would  benefit from knowing whether this insecurity is rooted in earlier experiences--like Nan in the composite vignette above.  If so, seeking help in therapy for the issues that are getting triggered will help you.  

Similarly, if you feel guilty about having sexual thoughts and fantasies about someone--even though you know you would never act on these thoughts--you could be feeling guilty because you mistakenly believe these thoughts mean you're cheating.  This kind of guilt is often rooted in earlier issues.

Above all, know yourself, know your partner and respect each other's boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable sharing sexual fantasies about others, you have a right to keep your private thoughts private. And if you're okay with your partner having sexual fantasies but you don't want to hear about them, you have a right to set a limit with your partner.

Also see my prior articles: 

• It's Common and Normal to Have Sexual Fantasies

• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

• Sexual Explorations: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs. This is Normal.

• Privacy vs Secrecy in Relationships

• Do's and Don'ts About How to Start a Conversation About Fantasies

• How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Partner's Porn Viewing

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Power struggles about sexual thoughts and fantasies are common in many relationships, but if this issue is creating a problem in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has training and expertise in this area.

Rather than struggling with a problem that could erode your relationship over time, seek help sooner rather than later.

Once you and your partner have worked through these problems, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work  through their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?

Whether you and your partner have been together for many years or you're early in your dating relationship, you both might have different needs, so being able to communicate is important (see my article: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?).

What is Your Definition of Intimacy?

It's a common mistake for individuals in relationships to assume that they and their partner have the same understanding of intimacy, but this often isn't true.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

How you and your partner define intimacy and each of your needs might be different, which can lead to misunderstandings if you don't know this.

When one partner makes a gesture for emotional connection, but in that moment the other partner needs personal time apart, this difference can lead to feelings of rejection for the person who wants connection and feelings of being pressured for the one who needs personal time apart.

If these differences aren't discussed, both people can feel too vulnerable to approach their partner. The one who wants more closeness can fear being judged as "needy" and the one who needs their own personal time can fear being labeled as "emotionally cold" or avoidant.

How to Develop Effective Communication to Understand Each Other's Needs

Unfortunately, when couples experience differences in terms of what they each need, they often avoid the topic or, if they want to talk about it, they don't know how to do it.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

Admittedly, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation about individual differences with regard to intimacy, but not talking about it often increases emotional distance between each partner.

To reconnect with each other, a couple needs to be able to express their needs and be open to what their partner needs.

What Are the Different Types of Intimacy?

Intimacy includes:

• Emotional Intimacy

• Physical Intimacy

• Mental Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: Creating a safe haven for each person to express their emotional needs is essential. If one or both people think they will be criticized about their needs, they won't be able to communicate openly. So, even though you and your partner might be different with regard to the type and amount of emotional intimacy you each need, it's important to start with the mindset that you're both going to listen to each other with openness and respect.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

• Physical Intimacy: Some people need to feel emotionally intimate first before they can become sexually intimate. Others need to feel connected sexually before they can feel emotionally intimate. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. It's also common for individuals in a relationship to experience sexual desire differently, so it's important to understand yourself and your partner, especially if you have differences.

• See my articles: 

• Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally
  

• Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal

• Mental Intimacy: Feeling mentally stimulated by your partner is just as important as feeling emotionally and physically stimulated. If you and your partner find that you have little to talk about beyond your children and your jobs, you could benefit from talking about your hobbies or interests. You each might be different when it comes to talking about what is most interesting and fulfilling to you. It's not unusual for two people to have different interests and it's also possible to get curious about your partner's interests and for your partner to get curious about yours. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to maintain confidentiality, illustrates how a cisgender heterosexual couple can become closer by working on these issues in therapy:

Jean and Bill

When Jean and Bill were dating, they both felt emotionally, physically and mentally drawn to each other.

Ten years into their marriage, Jean suggested they seek help in couples therapy due to an increasing sense of estrangement and boredom between them.  

Bill was somewhat reluctant because he wasn't accustomed to talking about his feelings to a mental health professional, but he agreed to attend couples therapy because he realized they were drifting apart.

After meeting with each of them individually to get their individual histories with regard to their family, prior relationships and sexual history, they had their first couples session together. 

The couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, asked them what each of them wanted to get out of couples therapy.

After a moment of awkwardness and silence, they turned to each other and Jean was the first to speak, "We've been drifting apart for the last several years and I'm afraid that if we don't do something to change this, we're going to live together as roommates or our relationship might not last."

Bill responded, "I feel like Jean doesn't understand that I need my alone time, especially after I come home from work. It's like she can't wait to tell me about her day and, don't get me wrong, I want to hear about it, but I feel bombarded when I first walk through the door. I don't want us to continue to drift apart, but we need to work out our differences when it comes to time together and time apart (see my article: Time Together Vs. Time Apart).

Over time, Bill and Jean spoke about this issue as well as other obstacles to emotional, physical and mental intimacy. This was their first experience with talking about these topics and, although they were each hesitant to talk about their needs at first, they learned to approach these talks with openness and curiosity.

They both expressed feeling more genuinely connected to each other--even when they were talking about their differences. 

Since they had become increasingly estranged over the last several years, their work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy. But they both felt they were being more authentic with each other which brought them closer together.

They each learned to be open and curious about their individual interests. They also learned they were different in terms of their emotional needs. 

Bill felt most connected to Jean when they were sexual and Jean felt more sexually turned on when they were emotionally connected. So they learned to talk about this and make adjustments in how they interacted. 

Jean realized she wasn't usually spontaneously interested in sex, but once she and Bill began kissing, she got turned on. 

She learned that if she was willing to start being sexually intimate, she usually got turned on (see my article: For People With Responsive Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused).

Bill experienced sexual desire spontaneously. All he had to do was think about sex and he was turned on, but he learned to appreciate Jean's responsive desire, so he slowed down to align with her experience, which made their sex life more pleasurable for both of them.

As obstacles came up in their couples therapy work, their couples therapist helped them to work through them so that, over time, they had a more fulfilling relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.