Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Grief for a deceased parent isn't always related to how close you were.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

In fact, grief related to the loss of a parent you weren't close to can be even more intense than grief for a nurturing parent because it often involves grieving for what  you hoped for and never got (see links for my articles about grief below).

For adults who have lost a parent under these circumstances, part of the grief is knowing that the warm loving relationship you might have wished for can never be experienced after your parent died. The death can bring a painful finality to your wish and wash away any hopes you might have had to improve the relationship.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Alex

Alex was in his mid-30s when he received a phone call from his stepmother, a woman he had never met, telling Alex that his father had terminal cancer. She told him that his father was in hospice and he wasn't expected to live more than a few days.

Before Alex could respond, his stepmother put his father on the phone to say a few words. It was clear to Alex that his father was heavily medicated and Alex didn't know what to say. His father asked for Alex's forgiveness for walking out on Alex and Alex's mother more than 30 years ago. He said he regretted not ever contacting Alex after he walked out on them.

Alex was shocked and confused. He didn't want to reject his father's dying wish, so he told his father that he forgave him. Then, his stepmother got back on the phone and told Alex that his father was too weak to talk any more. Before she hung up,she told Alex she would keep him apprised.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex sat for several minutes to take in what had just happened. When he was a child, he would ask his mother where his father had gone and his mother would tell him that his father was away on a business trip. But as weeks turned into months and years, Alex realized his father wasn't returning and he never asked his mother about it again because he didn't want to upset her.

Alex buried his feelings about his father and tried not to think about him. But there were times in his life when Alex felt sad that his father wasn't there for him, like when he graduated high school, when he graduated college, when he got married and when he had his first child. But during those times he didn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts.

By the next day, Alex thought he might want to go visit his father before his father passed away, but then he received another call from his stepmother that his father died that night. She said she planned to have a memorial service in a few months and invited Alex to attend and meet his half brother, Jack.

A wave of profound sadness came over Alex. His wife attempted to soothe him, but Alex was too confused, anxious and angry to talk about it. He never even knew he had a half brother.

His wife said to him, "But you haven't seen your father in so many years and you don't even remember him. So, why do you feel sad?"

Alex couldn't explain why he felt so many mixed emotions, but after weeks passed and he didn't feel any better, he got help in therapy.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

His therapist helped Alex explore his feelings and he realized that, even though he didn't allow himself to dwell on being abandoned by his father, he always had a wish that he and his father would reunite and they would develop a strong father-son relationship. But now that his father was dead, the reconciliation was impossible and this made him feel deeply sad.

His therapist helped Alex to grieve the abandonment and the loss of a relationship he wished for but now would never have. He also worked on his anger about his father asking him as he was dying to forgive him because, even though Alex said he forgave him, he wasn't sure how he felt.

As Alex continued to work on these issues in therapy, he realized how much he had stuffed his feelings from the time he was young because there was no one to help him with his complicated feelings about being abandoned and never seeing his father again. He believed his mother did the best she could, but she wasn't emotionally equipped to help him when he was a child.

After his father's death, when he spoke to his mother, he realized her memories of that time were different from his. She believed she had sat him down, talked to him and comforted him after his father left. When he told her what he remembered, she denied it, so Alex dropped the subject.

The memorial service was several months away and Alex had mixed feelings about going. Part of him wanted to go to meet his half brother and to find out more about his father, but another part of him didn't want to go. Even though he knew logically that none of this was his half brother's fault, he felt hurt and angry that his half brother had the relationship with his father that Alex wanted.

Then one day Alex received a call from his half brother, Jack, and they talked for over an hour. Jack said he could only imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to get the call from Jack's mother after so many years. He also hoped they could meet and get to know each other.

Over time, they developed a relationship and Alex decided to go to the memorial service.

It took Alex a while to sort out his feelings about his father and his anger about the way his mother lied to him when his father left. But he also felt relieved to release the emotions in therapy--emotions he had suppressed for so many years.

Over time, Alex worked out his grief in therapy and maintained a relationship with Jack.

Getting Help in Therapy

Grieving for a deceased parent is difficult and it can be that much more difficult when a parent hasn't been there for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than trying to deal with these complicated emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with grief and loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am an experienced psychotherapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Mourning the Death of a Father You Never Knew

Common Reactions to the Death of a Loved One 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Who Are You After Both of Your Parents Die?

Writing to Cope With Grief

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Does Somatic Experiencing (SE) Process Emotions?

In my recent articles I've been exploring how the different types of Experiential Therapies, like AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and EMDR process emotions.

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm focusing on how Somatic Experiencing, also known as SE, processes emotions (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy).

Somatic Experiencing was developed by Peter Levine in the 1970s. Like many other types of Experiential Therapies, SE was developed to address the limitations of traditional psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Psychotherapy to Resolve Trauma?).

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions?

Somatic Experiencing processes emotions by focusing on bodily sensations (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)).

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

Like other types of Experiential Therapy, Somatic Experiencing is a "bottom up" rather than a "top down" approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between a "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approach to Trauma Therapy?)

Clients are guided by their SE therapist to safely notice, feel and release tension related to trauma. This allows the nervous system to complete the interrupted stress response related to the trauma. These releases are often subtle.

What Are the Key Processes in SE to Process Emotions?

The key processes in SE include:

• A "Bottom Up" Approach: As mentioned above, instead of analyzing emotions, which is the usual way in traditional talk therapy, SE focuses on physical sensations to access and resolve underlying emotional experiences. These physical sensations might include tightness, warmth or pressure (to name a few).

Somatic Experiencing and Resourcing

• Resourcing: Prior to processing traumatic emotions, the client learns to develop a felt sense of calm and safety that can be accessed during times of activation related to processing the trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Titration: Titration involves breaking down overwhelming traumatic memories into manageable pieces to avoid retraumatization during processing.

• Pendulation: Pendulation is shifting back and forth from a state of calm and safety to a state of discomfort related to the unresolved trauma.  This allows the nervous system to process traumatic emotions without being overwhelmed (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the SE Technique of Pendulation).

• Discharging: As trapped energy related to the trauma is released, the client might experience physical sensations (e.g., heat). These sensations are often subtle.

Conclusion

Somatic Experiencing allows clients to process traumatic emotions and shift from a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response into a state of self regulation and relief.

I have been using Somatic Experiencing with clients regularly since 2011 and I have found that SE often combines well with other types of Experiential Therapy, like AEDP, EMDR and Parts Work.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

If you feel stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is also an SE practitioner.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing?  

What Does Processing Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) Therapy? 

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

How Are Emotions Processed in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy?

I have been focusing on how emotions are processed in different types of therapies (see links below for prior articles).

What is Parts Work Therapy

IFS, which stands for Internal Family Systems, was developed by Richard Schwartz as a form of trauma therapy in the 1980s.

Processing Emotions in Parts Work

Prior to IFS, Ego States Therapy, which is another form of parts work therapy, was developed by psychiatrists John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s, so IFS wasn't the first type of parts work. 

Ego States Therapy is a psychodynamic approach which is used to resolve inner conflicts, trauma and improve emotional regulation by fostering communication and harmony between the different parts of a person's personality.

I learned Ego States Therapy while I was learning how to do hypnotherapy in 2011 and when I learned IFS a few years later, I saw the similarities between Ego States Therapy and IFS immediately.

Ego States Therapy and IFS have the following similarities:

• The personality is perceived as consisting of separate subparts rather than perceiving the personality as a single, unified whole. Subparts are a part of everyone's personality. This is different from multiple personality disorder.

• Both Ego States Therapy and IFS strive to help the various parts of the personality to work together. The goal is not to get rid of any parts because there are no bad parts. All parts have good intentions even if the intentions aren't apparent at first.

• Both types of parts work are effective for trauma, PTSD and resolving inner conflict.

• Ego States Therapy uses guided imagery and sometimes hypnotherapy to identify and communicate with specific parts, also known as Ego States. IFS uses somatic awareness to identify and communicate with parts.

How Does IFS Parts Work Process Emotions?

Similar to Ego States Therapy, IFS identifies specific parts using compassionate curiosity through the Core Self, which is also known as the Self, Adult Self or Higher Self (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy).

Here are the key stages of emotional processing in IFS:

• Identifying "Trailheads": Emotional triggers or intense feelings (anger, fear, sadness and so on) are recognized as "trailheads". In other words, they are recognized as gateways to understanding a part.

• Unblending and Self Compassion: Instead of being overtaken by an emotion, you learn to separate from it. This separation or externalization allows for your calm and compassionate Core Self to observe and connect with the emotion without judgment. This is similar to mindfulness where you learn to observe your experiences.

Processing Emotions in Parts Work: Befriending Parts

• Befriending Protective Parts: Before accessing deeply painful emotions, IFS focuses on understanding "managers" (proactive protector parts) and "firefighter" parts (reactive, numbing parts). You learn that these protective parts, which would be identified as defense mechanisms in psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy, have positive intentions of protecting you, such as preventing future harm.

• Witnessing the Unburdened Exiles: Once you have developed a trusting relationship with the protective parts, they can allow the Core Self to access the wounded, vulnerable "exile" parts which hold the trauma. The Core Self listens to and observes the exile's story and helps them to release the painful emotions or limiting beliefs they carry. This is called unburdening the exiles.

The 6 Fs of IFS

To process emotions, IFS often uses a structured process to engage with the parts:

• Find: Locate/sense the emotion/part in the body.

• Focus: Bring your attention to it.

• Flesh Out: Get to know the parts (images, sensations, memories).

• Befriend the Part: Listen to and understand the part's intention.

• Fears: Listen to and understand what the part fears if it stops doing what it's doing. For example, a protector part might be afraid when you ask the part to step aside because it fears letting go of control. This is similar to how defense mechanisms work. For instance, you might unconsciously protect yourself with denial about a problem and letting go of that denial can make you afraid. So, whether you conceive of it as a part or a defense mechanism, you have to gain its trust so it feels safe enough to let go.

Through the IFS or Ego States Therapy process, emotions are no longer suppressed or acted out impulsively. Instead, emotions are validated and released. This leads to healing and internal integration which is an essential part of mental health.

Emotional Blocks in Parts Work

After reading the summary above, it would be easy to think that processing emotions in Parts Work, either IFS or Ego States Therapy, is simple, but this isn't always the case (see my article: Working With Emotional Blocks).

Just like in any other therapy, you can experience emotional blocks that get in the way of processing emotions. For instance, in attempting to feel compassion, you might access a critical part instead that gets in the way and needs to be worked with before you can access self compassion. This critical part is often a protector part and it also functions as an emotional block.

In addition, the mind can resist what's unfamiliar. So, if your familiar experience is to berate yourself because you internalized that experience at a young age, you have accessed a protector part that is difficult to let go of because it has become a longstanding part of you.

Although it might not sound like it's protective, all parts have good intentions so it's important to find out what the intention is when a part blocks progress. Then, you can form a trusting relationship with the part so it will eventually let go of criticizing and judging you.

Conclusion

IFS and Ego States Therapy are two of several types of trauma therapies.

The trauma therapist assesses each client to determine which type of trauma therapy--whether it's EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work or a combination of these modalities is for a particular client. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Trauma Therapy: The Mind Has a Powerful Innate Ability to Heal Itself

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR Therapy?

How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

 

How Are Emotions Processed in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?

I have been writing about emotions lately (see links to the prior articles at the end of this article).

As I have written in prior articles, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) was developed by Diana Fosha, an American psychologist based in New York City.

How Emotions Are Processed in AEDP

AEDP is one of several types of therapy that fall under the umbrella of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Heal Trauma?).

The other therapy modalities that fall under this category of Experiential Therapy include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

If you haven't read my more detailed articles about AEDP, I recommend that you read these articles first:

What is AEDP? - Part 1 and Part 2

How Does AEDP Work?

How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?

In AEDP emotions are processed by:

• Here-and-Now Focus: Focusing on the here-and-now of the therapeutic relationship

How Emotions Are Processed in AEDP

• Somatic Awareness: Focusing on bodily sensations or somatic awareness

• Developing Secure Attachment: Working through painful emotions actively in a secure and supportive environment with a deeply attuned therapist

An AEDP therapist helps clients to move from a state of defensiveness or emotional numbness to an experience of transformation.

Creating a "Safe Container" For the Client to Process Emotions: 

The foundation of AEDP is helping the client to experience a secure attachment in the therapeutic relationship:

• The Therapeutic Relationship: Developing a trusting and validating therapeutic relationship

• Undoing Aloneness: Helping the client to undo the feeling of aloneness

A Here-and-Now Experiential Focus 

The AEDP therapist has a here-and-now experiential focus including:

• Therapeutic Attunement: Attunement that tracks the client's moment-to-moment experience

• Slowing Down: An AEDP therapist will often ask a client to "slow down" to catch the subtle shifts in emotion that might otherwise be overlooked.

Processing Core Emotions

The AEDP therapist helps the client to process emotions by:

• Getting Past Defenses: The therapist asks the client to identify and soften defense mechanisms (e.g., anxiety, intellectualizing, rationalizing, denial, numbing) to reach the underlying core emotions.

How Emotions Are Processed in AEDP

• Accessing Core Emotions: Once defense mechanisms soften, the client can work through deep core emotions. like sadness, grief, fear, anger or shame, which allows the client to feel the full wave of emotions (see my article: Getting Out of Your Head With Experiential Therapy).

• Facilitating Transformational Affects: By fully experiencing emotions in a safe therapeutic environment, the client can move from feeling trapped or broken to a safe of relief, self compassion and emotional resilience (see my article: Riding the Waves of Transformation)

Metaprocessing (Reflecting on the Experience)

The AEDP therapist facilitates metaprocessing by:

• Discussing the Therapy Process: A key component of AEDP is metaprocessing where the client and therapist talk about what it's like to share these emotions in the room:
• "What was it like to share that with me?"

• Cementing the Change: Reflecting on the experience helps to solidify the healing, deepen self awareness and strengthen the client's capacity for emotional regulation.

A Corrective Emotional Experience

AEDP helps to bring about a corrective emotional experience by:

• Reorganizing the Brain: By having a new positive experience of being seen, heard and understood while being in emotional pain, the brains neural pathways are reorganized which promotes neuroplasticity.

AEDP and Neuroplasticity

• Shifting From Avoidance to Connection: The process transforms shame into self compassion and changes habitual avoidance of feelings into a capacity for emotional awareness.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Managing Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of Emotions?  

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?  

Coping With Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness 

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You're Distressed? 

What is Emotional Co-regulation? 

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Emotional Self Regulation? 

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

I've written about emotional regulation in prior articles (see the links listed at the end of this article).

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

Many clients have asked me this question, especially clients who are learning how to identify and express their emotions (see my article: Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is the healthy process of identifying, feeling and expressing your emotions without being overwhelmed or overwhelming others.

Controlling your emotions involves forcefully suppressing or hiding emotions which often stems from shame. Controlling your emotions usually leads to long term stress which, in turn, can turn into medical problems including headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension and other stress-related physical problems.

Whereas when you regulate your emotions, you are doing it with self awareness, controlling your emotions is a restrictive, temporary fix.

Core Differences Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions:

• Approach: Emotional regulation acknowledges and accepts your emotions. This allows you to experience them so you can choose a balanced reaction. Conversely, control involves denying, suppressing or forcefully pushing away emotions. 

• Goal: The goal of emotional regulation is to process, learn from and move through emotions in a. healthy way. The goal of control is to minimize or eliminate the outward expression emotions to avoid vulnerability and appear to be "strong". As part of emotional regulation, you also recognize that emotions have a natural life cycle that last about 90 seconds if you don't feed them by ruminating, overanalyzing and continuing to tell yourself negative stories about them (see my article: Managing Your Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

• Impact on Self: Whereas emotional regulation builds self compassion and mental health, control often leads to increased anxiety, including panic attacks, shame and physical stress.

• Flexibility vs Rigidity: Emotional regulation is adaptive and flexible, which allows emotional expression that is appropriate to the situation. Control is rigid, which often leads to a limited range of expressed emotions. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrate the difference between emotional regulation and controlling emotions:

Tom

When he was a boy, Tom would get punished by his parents if he cried. They told Tom that "boys don't cry" and punished him whenever he showed any signs of sadness--even when he was a young child.

Neither of Tom's parents showed any signs of sadness or grief. The only emotion they expressed was anger.

When the family dog died, they remained stoic and discouraged Tom from expressing sadness or grief--even though the dog was Tom's constant companion from the time he was a toddler.

As an adult, when Tom got into a serious relationship, his girlfriend, Ann, asked him why he hardly ever showed any emotions except anger. She told him she often felt alone with her feelings because Tom was so aloof.  She also pointed out that Tom's body seemed so rigid and she was concerned for his physical health.

Tom didn't respond immediately to what Ann said, but he began to reflect on her words. He decided to talk to a mental health professional about it.

Tom's therapist talked to him about the difference between emotional regulation and controlling his emotions. After she asked him about his family history, she helped Tom to make the connection between how his parents suppressed their emotions, how they discouraged his expression of emotions and how he also learned to suppress emotions.

The work was challenging for Tom because his usual way of handling uncomfortable emotions was to suppress them, but in therapy he gradually learned how to identify and express his emotions in a healthy way.

Initially, he felt like he was doing something wrong, especially when he allowed himself to feel sadness. He could hear his parents voices in his head saying "Boys don't cry". But he realized that uncomfortable emotions are like waves--they ascend, peak and subside eventually. He also realized that he felt much better when he allowed his emotions to release.

Over time, Ann noticed the difference in Tom and she felt much closer to him.  Tom also felt closer to Ann and more relaxed with himself.

Conclusion

Managing your emotions is part of developing emotional intelligence which is essential for your own well-being as well as maintaining healthy relationships.

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

If you're having problems with emotional regulation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop emotional regulation skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Distressed?

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

What's the Difference Between Feeling Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them  

Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Trauma