10 Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Picking up on signs someone is flirting with you can be challenging, especially if they are doing it in a very subtle way and you don't know them well.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Flirting often involves both physical/nonverbal and verbal cues, but sometimes it's hard to distinguish flirting from friendliness. 

So, it's helpful to know some of the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of flirting.

10 Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Everyone has their own way of flirting and, as previously mentioned, some of these signs can be signs of friendliness and not flirting. 

So, if someone is flirting with you, you want to look for a combination of these signs and not just rely on one:

• They Make Prolonged Eye Contact: Prolonged eye contact is a relative term. Regular eye contact is about 3 seconds.  When someone is interested in you, prolonged eye contact is about 4 seconds or longer. This type of eye contact doesn't involve staring or leering. It's a soft gaze signaling romantic or sexual interest.  There are at least three different parts to this:

• They Try to Catch Your Eye: This is when someone looks at you until you sense it and look back at them. This kind of soft gaze is usually curious and inviting (as opposed to staring or creepiness).

• They Let You Catch Them Looking at You: If someone who is interested in you wants you to know they're interested, they might allow you to catch them looking at you. Once they get your attention, they might look down or away before looking back up at you. Someone who is a little bolder or who wants to be sexually suggestive might look at your other features like lips, chest or groin as a way to signal they're interested in a sexual encounter if you're open to that.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Continue to Look in Your Eyes During a Conversation: If they managed to engage you in conversation, they will often continue to look into your eyes and look away briefly before looking back.

• They Have Open Body Language: They are relaxed and their body is open (an example of closed body language would be someone who has their arms folded in front of them). They face you and usually their toes are pointing towards you. Since people who are friendly and engaging also have open body language, this isn't always a sign of flirting--it could just be friendliness. So, you need to look for other signs in addition to this one.

• They Move Closer to You: If they want to flirt with you, they might move their body closer to yours (not in a creepy way). There are also situations, like in a crowded subway or in a theater with seats that are close together, where there's no choice but to be close, so this doesn't mean they're flirting with you. But if there's plenty of room and they sit or stand close to you, this could be an indication of romantic or sexual interest.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Play With Their Clothing: Playing with a sleeve, button or other clothing can be an unconscious nonverbal sign that someone is attracted to you. Some women also play with their hair. This can also mean they're feeling awkward or uncomfortable so, once again, consider this in combination with other signs.

• They Touch You Lightly During the Conversation: There are some people who touch others while talking and they're only being friendly. But if they're also giving you other signs of flirting, their light touch on your arm or shoulder or a hand or a leg graze, is often a sign that they're interested in you.

• They Raise Their Eyebrows When They See You: When someone who is interested in you sees you, their slightly raised brows is often a sign (together with other potential signs) that they're interested in you. Raised brows that signify attraction is often an unconscious gesture.

• They Have a Flirtatious Facial Expression: Aside from raised eyebrows, someone who is interested in you might look at you warmly with a smile whenever you see them. They might tilt their heads to the side or downward. 

Picking Up Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Respond to All or Most of Your Social Media Posts: There are so many posts on social media, so if someone is taking the time to respond to all or most of your posts, this could be a digital sign they're interested in you.  

• They Give You Teasing or Playful Attention: Teasing is a playful way to flirt by trying to provoke a response from someone.  This doesn't involve meanness or bullying. Playful teasing often sparks a flirtatious back and forth between two people. When two people pick up on the subtle cues of playful teasing, if they're both interested, this creates sexual tension between them.  This can be tricky if one or both people take the teasing literally and don't understand that it's part of a flirtatious dance.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Treat You Differently Than They Do Others: If someone wants you to know they're interested, they usually try to make you feel special in a way they're not doing to other people around them. 

More Articles About Flirting

Here are some of my prior articles about flirting that you might enjoy:

What is Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Sex Therapist and Trauma Therapist who uses EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist where you will find many other articles about relationships, healing trauma, coping with grief as well as articles about the various therapy modalities that I use.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Help For Premature Ejaculation

As a sex therapist in New York City, I help individual clients and couples who are having problems with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and other sexual related problems. 

Problems With Premature Ejaculation

What is Premature Ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation is a common problem. It's estimated that as many as 1 in 3 men suffer from premature ejaculation at any given time.  

Premature ejaculation is a treatable condition, so if you have been avoiding getting help, please reconsider this because you don't need to continue to suffer with this condition.

If you have premature ejaculation occasionally, it's usually not a cause for concern. However, you might be diagnosed by your doctor with premature ejaculation if:

• You always or almost always ejaculate within 1 to 3 minutes of penetration

• You're unable to delay ejaculation beyond 1 to 3 minutes after penetration

• You avoid having sex because you feel frustrated and ashamed of ejaculating too soon

What Are the Symptoms of Premature Ejaculation?

The main symptom of premature ejaculation is not being able to delay ejaculation beyond 3 minutes during partnered sex or during masturbation.

There are two types of premature ejaculation:

• Lifelong: Lifelong premature ejaculation occurs all the time or nearly all the time since the first sexual encounter.

• Acquired: Acquired premature ejaculation occurs after a period of not having this problem.

What Causes Premature Ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation is often a combination of physical and psychological problems so each person needs to be assessed and diagnosed individually.

What Are the Psychological Factor That Can Contribute to Premature Ejaculation?

The psychological factors might include:

• Early sexual experiences
• A history of sexual abuse or trauma
• Depression
• Poor body image
• Worry or anxiety about premature ejaculation
• Guilt or shame that cause you to rush through sex
• Erectile dysfunction
• General anxiety
• Relationship problems

The biological factors might include:

• Irregular hormone levels or brain chemicals
• Swelling or infection of the prostate gland or urethra
• Inherited factors

What Are the Risk Factors for Premature Ejaculation?

The risk factors might include:

• Stress
• Erectile dysfunction
  

How Can Premature Ejaculation Impact Your Life?

Premature ejaculation can create complications in your personal life including:

• Stress
• Relationship problems
• Fertility issues

When Should You Seek Help From a Medical Doctor?

Problems with premature ejaculation can occur from time to time, but you should seek help from a urologist or a sexual health medical doctor if you always or nearly have problems with premature ejaculation.

Help from a Medical Doctor For Premature Ejaculation

You might feel embarrassed to talk to a doctor about your problem, but urologists and sexual health medical doctors have experience with this common problem, so don't allow embarrassment to keep you from getting help.

When Should You Seek Help From a Sex Therapist?

Since premature ejaculation is often caused by psychological issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist to deal with these issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Help From a Sex Therapist For Premature Ejaculation

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome the psychological problems that prevent you from having a satisfying sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a qualified medical doctor to rule out any physical problems and get help from a sex therapist for the psychological issues that might be contributing to your problem (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.