Why Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is Important For Your Relationship

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is important for maintaining relationships (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Intelligence.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

In this article I'm focusing on why being emotionally intelligent is important in committed relationships.

Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Committed Relationships?

Let's start by understanding the characteristics of emotional intelligence.

As I mentioned in my prior article, emotional intelligence includes:

• Developing self awareness 
• Developing an awareness about your partner with empathy and emotional attunement
• Managing your emotions
• Picking up on social cues from your partner
• Maintaining long term relationships

Now, let's look at each component of emotional intelligence in terms of a committed relationship.

Developing Self Awareness and An Empathetic Awareness of Your Partner: 

Before you even enter into a committed relationship, a high level of EQ helps you to distinguish lust (or infatuation) from a intimate loving relationship (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

When you love someone, you're no longer focused on the thrill of the chase (see my article: 12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

When you have self awareness, you know your strengths and challenges and where you need to improve for your personal growth. 

You also recognize how what you say and do impacts your partner emotionally, physically and mentally. 

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

You know how to express your feelings, including uncomfortable feelings, to your partner and you also know how to listen to your partner when they are telling you things that might be uncomfortable (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior).

You don't allow anger or resentment to fester because you know it will have an negative impact on your relationship. 

Through your active awareness and empathy, you're emotionally attuned to your partner, you understand the impact you have on your partner and where you might need to make changes. 

Your self awareness and emotional attunement to your partner allows you to assess what is and isn't working in your relationship and you're not afraid to deal with these issues with your partner to make changes.

Since you're aware that emotional vulnerability is esssential for emotional and sexual intimacy, you have a comfort level with your partner so you can express your vulnerable feelings (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Managing Your Emotions

You're aware of your emotions. 

You know how to manage your emotions in a health way by neither suppressing your emotions, expressing them in an unhealthy way or by stonewalling.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

You know when you might need to take a break from a discussion to calm yourself before you say or do things you'll regret. 

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you're aware of your part in the cycle and you work towards making positive changes (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Picking Up on Social Cues From Your Partner

Picking up on social cues from your partner includes:

• Paying attention to your own and your partner's body language
• Understanding your partner's gestures
• Making eye contact with your partner
• Paying attention to your own and your partner's tone and pitch when you're speaking to each other

Developing a Comfort Level For Change in Your Relationship

Change can be difficult, but a healthy relationship requires change periodically.

The Importance of EQ in Your Relationship

Part of emotional intelligence is knowing when you and your partner need to make changes in the relationship and getting comfortable with working on those changes.

You're aware that for a relationship to thrive and grow, changes are often necessary.

Rather than avoiding change, your courage to make changes with your partner will help to keep the relationship healthy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a skill you and your partner can learn.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

As a couple, if you have been struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples. See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

By working on your relationship with a skilled couples therapist, you can have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome the obstacles to their happiness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Involuntary Memories?

As a trauma therapist, I help clients to overcome unresolved trauma by using various trauma therapy modalities, so working with memories related to unresolved trauma is an essential part of my work. As a result, memories are very much on my mind most of the time.

What Are Involuntary Memories?

Whereas voluntary memories are deliberate efforts to recall the past, involuntary memories come unbidden.  

Involuntary Memories

Involuntary memories are often evoked by everyday occurrences and they're usually sudden and unexpected.

Involuntary memories are more intense than voluntary memories and they can have a major impact on you how you feel physically, emotionally and mentally.

These types of memories often have the following characteristics:

• They are related to cues in the environment. They can also involve a person's thoughts or emotions as well as their embodied sense of themselves from an earlier time.

• They come spontaneously and unbidden.

• They occur effortlessly at any time and any place.

• Some people experience involuntary memories while they're grieving such as when they're listening to music or smell a scent closely related to the deceased person, like a particular perfume.

• These type of memories can cause a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings and embodied sensations.

• They are more likely connected to specific events or people.

• They can provide a strong sense of yourself from a long time ago, including a sense of who you were when you were a child (or any other time) that you might have forgotten.

• They can transport you back to happy times in your life.

• They can transport you back to unhappy times in your life.

• Recurrent involuntary memories related to PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) where thoughts and emotions are intrusive and disturbing are a subcategory of involuntary memories (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks Related to Trauma?).

Involuntary Memories in Proust's In Search of Lost Time

Involuntary memories are actually more common than most people think. 

I recently started rereading In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust.

This novel offers one of the most famous examples of an involuntary memory.

Involuntary Memories in In Search of Lost Time

As an adult, the novel's narrator remembers long-forgotten childhood memories when he tastes a madeleine cookie dipped in tea. He wasn't trying to evoke any memories. He was just enjoying his cookie and lime-flower tea and when these memories came back to him spontaneously.

From there, he experienced a cascade of childhood memories he had not thought about in a long time.

Aside from the famous madeleine cookie, the narrator had several other experiences with involuntary memories through ordinary everyday experiences, including stumbling on an uneven paving stone which transports him back to memories of Venice.

Experiencing Yourself the Way You Were at an Earlier Time in Your Life

When people experience an involuntary memory, they're not just recalling the facts about the memory. They're usually experiencing themselves the way they were at that time.

I had an experience with an involuntary memory about 20 years ago. 

It was an ordinary day and I was walking down the street in my neighborhood. Suddenly I detected a strong pleasant sweet scent, which brought up wistful feelings in me. 

I had to stop walking in order to figure out what was happening. 

Even though, at first, I couldn't identify the smell, that sweet scent transported me back to a time when I was five or six years old and I was sitting on the living room couch with my father in our old apartment.

It wasn't just that I was remembering sitting in the living room with my father--I was feeling how I felt back then when I was a child.

Involuntary Memories

Within seconds I realized that the sweet scent was the same as my father's cherry blend pipe tobacco and this scent was transporting me back to an early memory.

All of this happened within a matter of seconds and the experience was so fleeting that it was gone just as quickly as it came.

The narrator in In Search of Lost Time was also transported back to his childhood experiences of family visits to his Aunt Leonie's home in Combray, a small town just outside of Paris. 

He had an embodied experience of that time, including how he felt when, as a child, he was waiting for his mother's good night kiss.

Conclusion

Involuntary memories allow you to experience yourself as you were in the memory that is being evoked.

These memories can be evoked spontaneously by what you see, hear, smell, taste and feel (tactile sensations) and they can be transformational experiences.

Although you can attempt to bring back voluntary memories based on sensory experiences or through auto-suggestion, due to their involuntary nature, involuntary memories come unbidden.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adult and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Leaving Therapy Prematurely: "Feeling Better" Isn't Always a Good Reason to Stop Therapy

While it's understandable that people want to feel better, feeling better isn't always a good reason to stop therapy--especially when there is unresolved trauma that remains unaddressed (see my article: Why Do Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

Sometimes people leave therapy because they're afraid to deal with the emotions that come up when they do deeper work in therapy. 

Many of them have never learned to deal with uncomfortable emotions so, rather than talk to their therapist about this, they leave, but their problems remain unresolved (see my article: A "Flight Into Health" As An Escape From Therapy).

Leaving Therapy Prematurely

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette which is, as always, a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates why feeling better isn't always a good reason to leave therapy:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-30s, started therapy after his girlfriend left him. He was heartbroken and the breakup triggered feelings of abandonment from his early unresolved childhood trauma when his father left the family unexpectedly.

Bob began doing trauma therapy to deal with his current feelings of abandonment by his girlfriend as well as the earlier unresolved trauma.

After attending therapy for a few weeks, Bob met Marie at a party.  After a couple of weeks of dating Marie, he had all the "feel good" emotions people experience during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

When Bob went to his next therapy session, he told his therapist he wanted to leave therapy. He said he no longer wanted to work on his earlier trauma because he was "feeling better." 

His therapist explained to Bob why it would be beneficial to complete the therapy. She told him that, even though he felt better at that point, his underlying abandonment issues were still present--even though he didn't feel them at that moment because he was head over heels for Marie.  

Bob decided to leave therapy against his therapist's advice. He was feeling great--until his relationship with Marie fell apart three months later when she told him she no longer wanted to see him.  Then, all his old abandonment feelings came rushing back and he felt worse than before.

When he returned to his trauma therapist, he returned with a much deeper understanding of what she told him before he left therapy a few months before.  This time he made a commitment to stay in therapy to work through his unresolved childhood abandonment issues. 

He understood at that point that "feeling better" due to external circumstances was not a reason for him to drop out of therapy.

Conclusion

It might sound counterintuitive that "feeling better" isn't always a good reason to leave therapy.  But when leaving therapy is based on external reasons and unresolved trauma doesn't get worked through, the trauma remains an underlying issue until it gets triggered again.

It might take longer than you anticipate to work through unresolved trauma, especially if there was a long pattern of childhood trauma, but keeping your commitment to work through these issues will help you in the long run to stop getting triggered.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in trauma work.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Living free from your trauma history can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

As a trauma therapist in New York City, I see many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

Why is Parentification Traumatic

What Are Parentified Children?

Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:

• Providing emotional support to their parents 

• Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores

• Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults

• Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family

• Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members

• Paying bills

• Making doctor's appointments, and so on

This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

Some of the signs of parentification include:

• Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage

• Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family

• Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities

• As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child

• As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child

• As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)

• As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 

• As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them

Why Causes Parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons.

In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

Why is Parentification Traumatic?

Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?

There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Parentification is more common than you might think.

Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I help individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Ask Your Partner, "Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?"

In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.  

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

See my articles:

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

How to Stop Kitchen Sinking Your Partner

How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop Stonewalling

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?

In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner is upset.

Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful. 

They might want:

• To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or

• To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or

• To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support

Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs. 

You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need: 

    Vignette 1: Jan and Bill

When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion and that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?"  Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.

    Vignette 2: Alice and Nan

After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem with Alice's sister.

    Vignette 3: John and Miguel

After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?"  John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.

Discussion About the Vignettes

These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.  

    Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated.  Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.

    Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.

    Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't always sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.

Conclusion

Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.

They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.

A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

I wrote about the stages of love in a prior article (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

In the current article I'm focusing on the stages a relationship often goes through when it's heading for a breakup.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Relationship endings are often hard to identify during the early stages. 

Even after the relationship ends, individuals often find it difficult to understand what led to the breakup.

Dr. Mark L. Knapp, a psychologist who is an expert in nonverbal communication, identifies the five stages of a relationship that is coming apart:

1. Differentiating: 

During this stage the couple has conflicts that emphasize their differences more than what they have in common. 

Instead of using the word "we", they use the word "I" more often in terms of wanting more autonomy and personal space. 

In general, the concept of differentiation is an important part of being an individual in a relationship. If both people in the relationship are otherwise satisfied, differentiation isn't unhealthy.  

In fact, differentiation is a healthy and necessary part of being in a relationship if the individuals use the differences to evaluate their individual needs so they can make any necessary changes in their relationship.

Healthy differentiation allows each person in the relationship to have their own hobbies, interests and personal space. This allows each person to grow as an individual at the same time they are in a relationship.

The problems arise when a couple is unable to negotiate their differences and these problems remain unresolved. 

An example of this is when a couple did not take the time to discuss their values and goals so that they find out after they get married that one of them wants to have children and the other does not and each person remains unyielding in what they want.

Over time, if there are frequent arguments that involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, this erodes the relationship (see my article: To Improve Communication in Your Relationship, Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse),

2. Circumscribing

During this stage communication deteriorates even further. Couples begin to deliberately limit their interactions together to avoid topics that can cause conflict.

As they spend less time together, the relationship becomes more superficial. 

Due to emotional distancing, the couple spends less time sharing their thoughts and feelings and they don't have meaningful conversations.

Communication is often limited to maintaining and status quo. 

For instance, the couple might only discuss topics like their schedules and household chores.

Each person in the relationship can feel like they're living in their own world rather than having the shared experience of being in a loving relationship. 

3. Stagnating

During this stage, communication is even more infrequent and when the couple communicates, it can feels forced and strained. 

Both people feel stuck and they don't know how to get unstuck but, at the same time, they might not want to end the relationship at this point.

The couple often finds themselves just going through the motions because they're not growing and evolving in the relationship. 

People often feel a sense of resignation and hopelessness during this stage.

While couples might remain together during the stagnating stage, their decision might be more out of habit, convenience or fear of change, but there is little or no effort to improve the relationship.

4. Avoiding

During this stage, a couple spends even less time around each other and there is even more emotional and physical distance between them. 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The couple might experience themselves as living separate lives. 

Even if neither of them makes the decision to end the relationship at this point, it can feel like the relationship is already over--even though neither of them have named it.

Avoidance becomes a way of life in the relationship. 

The couple might be sleeping in separate rooms, avoiding meaningful conversation and having little to no eye contact with each other.

5. Termination of the Relationship

This is the stage where the couple makes a decision to end the relationship. 

Communication is often limited to finalizing the end of the relationship in terms of finances, co-parenting arrangements, and other related topics.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The emotions each person might experience can range from relief to sadness and grief or a combination of many different emotions.

This coming apart stage often involves telling close friends and family about the breakup, making different living arrangements and deciding how to communicate if they have children. 

If they don't have children, the couple might decide to end all contact after the relationship is over or once the divorce is finalized.

Why It's Important to Recognize The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Becoming aware of problems can help you to be more aware so you can navigate these problems and make active decisions about the relationship rather than allowing the relationship to slip away and deteriorate through neglect.

Being proactive can mean that you take steps to improve the relationship, if it can be improved, or that you make a decision to part ways.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to improve their relationship, if they want to remain together, or she can help a couple to end their relationship in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a couples therapist to work through your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.