How IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help You to Recognize When a Younger Traumatized Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

I've written prior articles about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work as a trauma therapy (see a links for these articles at this end of this article).

This article provides a basic understanding of what happens when a younger part of you, also known as an exile in IFS, takes over when you get triggered.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

There is a lot more to IFS than exiles, including protector parts ("Manager" Parts and "Firefighter Parts") which you can read about in a book I recommend at the end of the article.

The focus for this article is how to recognize when you're immersed in a traumatized younger part of yourself which has taken over your current emotional experience and how to understand that this part is usually rooted in earlier traumatic experiences (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

What Are Younger Parts of Yourself?

In Parts Work Therapy, like IFS, there is a recognition that we all have many different parts that make up our inner world, including younger parts. 

You can think of parts as being metaphors for your intrapsychic experiences. Thinking of them as parts, as opposed to intrapsychic experiences, helps to simplify the concept of internal parts.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

Another way of thinking about a younger part is using the term "inner child" which has been popularized and made accessible in the work of John Bradshaw who wrote Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.

Parts Work Therapy, including Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy and Ego States Therapy, also recognizes that traumatized individuals carry younger, vulnerable parts of their psyche and these parts carry heavy unprocessed traumatic emotional burdens including shame, fear and feelings of being unworthy.

In IFS these parts are called "exiles".

What Are the Characteristics and Examples of Exiles?

Some of the common characteristics include:

• Vulnerability: They represent younger, childlike selves needing care.

• Frozen in Time: These parts relive past traumatic experiences in the present including experiences of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Not only are these parts frozen in time, they also have the same childhood capabilities you had at the time of the trauma. This is why when these younger parts/exiles erupt, you can't think logically and handle the current situation like an adult. In other words, you don't have access to the logical part of your brain at that moment.

Trauma Response: Frozen in Time

• Burdened Beliefs: These parts carry the burden of the original trauma and they often hold beliefs like "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken".

• Examples of Exiles: The rejected child, the abused child, the neglected child, the frightened toddler, the unloved teenager or the humiliated younger self are some of the many examples of exiled younger parts.

How Do Exiles Function?

The feelings associated with exiles are usually too painful to feel on a conscious level so they remain unconscious until they are triggered.

This doesn't mean that exiles are "bad" or that any part of your inner world is bad. Rather than thinking of them as something to get rid of, which you can't do anyway, think about these parts as stuck or frozen in time and, through IFS Parts Work Therapy, they can be "updated" to be a healthier part of you.

When these feelings get triggered, they can suddenly erupt without warning (see my article: Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?).

How Do You Know When a Younger Part (Exile) Has Taken Over?

The following are signs that an exile might have been triggered and taken over:

• Intense Emotional Flooding: A sudden and rapid onset of fear, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness or terror

• Reactions That Are Disproportionate to the Situation: A relatively minor event can trigger an extreme response which can relate to feelings of rejection or abandonment (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Triggered and Overreacting 

• Feeling "Young": You might feel small, young--like you're a child again--even though you're an adult.

• Somatic Sensations: Sensations might include a heaviness or tightness in your chest, intense cold, feeling unsafe and so on.

• Negative Core Beliefs: Sudden feelings of "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken" or "I'm unsafe"

• A Sudden Need to Escape: You might feel a sudden need to escape in the moment and, afterwards, you might engage in compulsive behaviors to numb yourself again including:

• Compulsive cleaning or organizing
• Compulsive working 
• Compulsive shopping and/or overspending
• Drinking excessively
• Using drugs to numb out
• Out of Control Sexual Behavior
  
• Compulsive gambling including grief gambling
• Scrolling on your phone aimlessly for lengthy periods of time
• Other forms of compulsive and impulsive behavior used to numb and distract yourself

When you're immersed in an exiled part, the feelings are usually raw and painful. 

Since you're "blended" with this part, you no longer have the ability to witness your feelings in an objective and logical way. Instead of saying, "A part of me feels devastated", you experience the devastation as a overall feeling, like "I am devastated."

There is no separation between your Core Self (also known as Adult Self or Higher Self) and the exiled part because your Core Self is wrapped up in the exiled part, so you can't take space from the experience to be objective.

What to Do When Your Core Self is Blended With an Exile Part

This requires practice. Instead of lashing out at your loved ones, pause so you can observe what you're feeling instead of completely identifying with the feeling.

To unblend from this younger part/exile:

• Name the Feeling: Acknowledge the sensation: "I'm feeling frightened right now" or "I'm feeling unlovable right now" or "I'm feeling abandoned right now". This will help you to observe what is happening to you instead of being immersed in the experience (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

• Ask the Part For Space: If possible, have an internal dialog with the exile/traumatized part and ask this younger part for space so you can be in the present moment and not stuck in feelings related to your traumatic past.

• Be Curious and Compassionate: Instead of being judgmental and self-blaming, get curious and feel compassionate towards this part of yourself.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases and illustrates the dynamics described in this article:

Dana

Dana had a significant history of childhood trauma including emotional neglect and physical abuse.  There was no one available to help Dana as a child during her traumatic experiences.

After she graduated college, Dana moved far away from her family. She believed that if she moved away from Southern California, where her family lived, to New York City, her family would no longer affect her.

She developed a career as an executive coach which she really enjoyed. Her clients praised her work and she finally felt free of her family's influence.

When she got into an exclusive relationship with Tom, she felt like everything in her life was falling into place. Several months after they met, they moved in together in Manhattan.

Tom had a career as a management consultant that involved a lot of travel, which Dana knew about from the start of their relationship. However, his frequent travel brought up feelings of loneliness, abandonment, fear and panic.

If he didn't call or text her several times a day, Dana would have doubts about Tom and their relationship. Even though she knew he was in all day meetings, she still believed he could have found times during the day to call her instead of waiting until the evening.

Stuck in a Child Part

During those evening calls, Dana needed constant reassurance that Tom still loved her and he wasn't abandoning her. When Tom asked Dana where her fears were coming from, she was so immersed in her younger traumatized part that she couldn't think clearly. 

There were times in the middle of the night that Dana would feel on the verge of a panic attack and she called Tom and woke him up. Groggy with sleep, Tom couldn't understand why Dana was feeling so panicky and neither could she.

Afterward, they would talk about it and Dana would feel calmer for the moment--until the next time she got triggered with feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment.  Then, the cycle would begin again where Dana would demand reassurance from Tom, but nothing he said reassured her for long.

After several similar incidents, Tom spoke to Dana about getting help in therapy. He was kind and compassionate, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to help Dana overcome these problems. She needed professional help.

When Dana began therapy with an IFS therapist, she became aware that her triggers were related to unresolved trauma. 

Her therapist helped Dana to develop better coping skills including: Skills to develop a stronger observing self who could pause, witness herself when she was triggered, name the feeling and have a dialog with that inner part of herself to ask it to give her space so she could get curious about what was happening to her and approach this part with curiosity and compassion.

As Dana learned to remain grounded and not get derailed by her younger self, she had fewer incidents where she panicked when Tom was away. 

The work wasn't easy or quick. She still had times when she would regress into that younger part, but she would also recover faster than she had in the past (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Once Dana was stabilized, her IFS therapist was able to begin work with Dana on her traumatic history. 

The work was experiential--feeling the parts that came up--rather than just talking about it as she would have done in traditional talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy, Like IFS, More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Over time, Dana was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer affecting her or her relationship.

Her childlike part still came up at times, but once it was no longer carrying the burden of the childhood trauma, she experienced this part as being happy and playful rather than triggering unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

One blog article can't explain all the nuances of IFS. So, I suggest you read No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness With Internal Family Systems by Richard C. Schwartz.

Get Help in Parts Work Therapy

There are many different types of Experiential Therapy for trauma, aside from IFS Parts Work, including EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and other trauma-related therapies.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

Parts Work is unique in that you can do deep intrapsychic work without spending the amount of time you might in psychoanalysis.

A skilled IFS therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you can have a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy

How IFS Therapy Can Help You With Anxiety 

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Isn't An Apology

I often hear individuals in relationships complain that their partner says, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of apologizing, so I think this is an important topic to discuss. 

Give a Sincere Apology

Why Isn't Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" An Apology?

This phrase shifts the focus from the behavior of the person apologizing to the reaction of the recipient's emotions, which invalidates the recipient's experience rather than the person apologizing accepting responsibility for whatever was said or done.

Consciously or unconsciously, this is a defensive tactic. When it's used consciously, it's a form of gaslighting and can be infuriating for the recipient because it's a non-apology. When it's used unconsciously, it's defensive.

Many relationships, friendships and family relationships have been ruined with the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way".

When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", you're being rude and dismissive. Instead of expressing remorse, you are communicating, "You're wrong and I'm right."

How to Apologize Sincerely

A sincere apology requires:

• Taking Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for your behavior promptly without making excuses.

• Avoiding Certain Words: Don't use words like "but" and "if", like "I'm sorry I hurt you, but..." or "I'm sorry if you were hurt..."

• Apologize Face to Face: If face to face isn't possible, calling is better than emailing or texting

Give a Sincere Apology

• Be Genuine: Express genuine remorse.

• Offer Amends: Offer to make amends and offer a possible solution to make things right.

• Name Your Specific Behavior: Name the behavior that hurt or harmed the other person. 

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to the other person's feelings without interrupting or getting defensive. Defensiveness invalidates the other person's feelings.

• Avoid Judging the Person: Don't tell the other person that they are overreacting.

• Make a Commitment to Improve Your Behavior: Commit to making a change and express how you will prevent it from happening again.

What If You Don't Think You Did Anything Wrong?

Even if you think what you did or said wasn't wrong or not that bad, it's still important to apologize when you have upset someone.

If you want to preserve the relationship, you need to let go of issues about right or wrong to try to understand the other person's experience and re-establish connection with them.

What If the Other Person Doesn't Accept Your Apology Immediately?

The other person might not be ready to accept your apology right away, so:

• Give Time and Space: Don't demand a response or closure. They might need time to process their hurt. If you continue to push for acceptance of your apology, you come across as being disrespectful.

Give a Sincere Apology

• Respect Their Decision: Accept that you can't force someone to forgive you.

• Don't Take Back Your Apology: Even if the other person rejects your apology, don't take back your apology. Stay firm in accepting your responsibility.

• Show, Don't Tell: Allow your future actions to reflect your remorse. Consistent positive behavior is worth more than words.

• Be Patient: Reconciliation might not happen immediately. In some cases, it might not happen at all and that's something you have to accept.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Asking For Forgiveness - The Power of Making Amends  

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures in Your Relationship to Repair  

What Does Forgiving Mean?

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected 

Learning to Forgive Yourself 

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Implicit Betrayals?

Implicit betrayals in relationships refers to subtle, non-physical violations of trust that break unspoken expectations in a relationship. 

Unlike affairs, implicit betrayals are often dismissed or rationalized, but they can be just as damaging to emotional intimacy and traumatic in a relationship.

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Examples of Implicit Betrayals?

• Emotional Affairs: Forming a deep intimate or romantic connection with someone else and hiding it from the partner (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

• Contempt and Disrespect: Humiliating a partner in front of others including eye rolling, using sarcasm or mocking a partner (see my articles: Improve Communication By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and Belittling Behavior).

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

• Withholding Affection or Stonewalling: Consistently refusing to communicate, withholding affection or shutting down during a conflict in order to exert control (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Gaslighting: Manipulating a partner into questioning their own memory, perception or sanity as a way to avoid accountability (see my article: The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting as Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse)

• Disengagement: When a partner stops caring, stops trying leaves a relationship emotionally without actually physically leaving the relationship (see my article: What is Quiet Quiting in a Relationship?)

• Conditional Commitment: Acting as if you're only in the relationship until someone "better" comes along or frequently threatening to leave a relationship during arguments

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Siding With a Third Party: Siding with a third party, like a mother, mother-in-law, friend or another relative, against the partner

• Financial Infidelity: Keeping secret accounts, hiding debt or making big purchases and hiding it from a partner (see my article: What is Financial Infidelity?).

• Neglect and Selfishness: Consistently prioritizing hobbies, work or friends over a partner again and again

• Broken Promises: Failing to follow through on promises or commitments which erodes trust (see my article: Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity)

• Lying By Omission: Purposely hiding information to avoid conflict or hide a secret life (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission)

• Digital Infidelity: Engaging in romantic or sexual chats, virtual relationships or intense, hidden messages on social media without the other partner's agreement

What to Do If You Discover an Implicit Betrayal?

Discovering an implicit betrayal can be as damaging and traumatic as discovering a physical affair.

Since these types of betrayals often involve a "gray" areas or unspoken rules, healing requires a high level of transparency and intentional communication:

• Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognize and acknowledge that feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and shame are valid. 

• Prioritize Stabilization: Before making any long term decisions about the relationship, prioritize your immediate physical and emotional health: regular sleep, eating nutritious meals and calming your nervous system with breathing and grounding exercises.

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Avoid Self Blame: Practice self compassion rather than completely blaming yourself or feeling less worthy due to a partner's implicit betrayal.

• Establish Safety Over Trust: Rebuilding trust can take months or years, but establishing safety can occur immediately through total transparency:

• Transparency: The betraying partner offers unprompted access to electronics, location sharing, financial records or in any area where trust was betrayed.

• Honesty: All questions should be answered without defensiveness, minimization or shifting the blame onto the other partner.

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable behavior. This could include no contact with specific people, shared calendars and designated times to talk about the betrayal so it doesn't consume all of your time together (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Communicate Using "I" Statements: When discussing the betrayal, use non-accusatory language. For instance, say "I felt invisible to you when you shared your feelings with the other person instead of coming to me" vs. "You betrayed me".

• Evaluate the Future of the Relationship: Ask yourself these important questions to decide whether to stay or go:

• Is my partner taking responsibility without making excuses?
• Was it a one-time occurence or has it been a pattern of behavior?
• Does my partner show genuine remorse and a willingness to do the hard work involved with repairing the relationship?
• Am I staying because I want to or because I'm afraid to leave?

Get Help in Therapy

Implicit betrayals can be difficult to negotiate on your own.

Individual therapy or couples therapy can help you to work through these difficult issues. In many cases, it can be beneficial for each person to start with individual therapy and then continue in couples therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can deal with the trauma of an implicit betrayal and live a happier, more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Reading the Odyssey Foster Psychological Growth?

I've been rereading the Odyssey lately. 

This is the third time I've read it and I find that each time I read it, I appreciate the story in new and different ways. 

This made me think about how reading the Odyssey can foster psychological growth.

The Odyssey

How Can Reading the Odyssey Foster Psychological Growth?

I have written in prior articles about using metaphors and how applying the "Hero's Journey" can be personally meaningful (see my article: How Does the Hero's Journey Help You to Cope With Big Changes in Your Life?).

The Odyssey is a foundational template for the "Hero's Journey". It is a classic example of the hero receiving the "call" to adventure, the trials the hero must undergo and the eventual return home with all the personal benefits of having gone on the journey.

The Odyssey can be thought of as a metaphor for each person's personal journey in terms of navigating difficult times in life and fostering self discovery and renewal:

• Promoting Resilience and Adaptability: Odysseus's challenges emphasize that overcoming problems requires endurance, strategic thinking and accepting help.  Similarly, overcoming personal challenges can promote resilience and adaptability, which are important life skills (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

The Odyssey

• Reframing Personal Struggles: The Odyssey helps us to see that our personal struggles can be reframed in such a way to help us face the challenges as well as the future and whatever problems might lie ahead.

• Promoting Individuation and Integration: From a Jungian perspective, Odysseus's journey represents a process of integrating different aspects of the psyche to reach a state of wholeness and maturity.

• Creating Meaning and Connection: Odysseus's homecoming after 10 years at war and another 10 years of trying to get home emphasize the need for creating meaning, connection and peace.

Aside from fostering personal growth, the Odyssey is a wonderful read. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy? 

How Reading Literature Can Have a Positive Effect on Your Brain