Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load

A common complaint I hear from heterosexual women in my psychotherapy practice in New York City is that they feel exhausted by the mental load related to their household, especially if they have children.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load, which is also called "worry work," refers to the cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load usually involves behind-the-scenes work necessary to keep a household running smoothly including:

• Meal planning
• Scheduling appointments
• Scheduling daily, monthly and annual plans
• Scheduling and planning vacations
• Remembering family members' appointments
• Staying on top of the children's scheduled activities
• Remembering and planning for birthdays, holidays and other events
• Buying gifts for family members, including her male partner's family members
• Making and working on to-do lists
• Delegating tasks to family members
• Overseeing tasks and making sure family members take care of assigned tasks
• Arranging playdates for the children
• Keeping a mental checklist of other tasks that need to get planned, delegated and done
• Many other responsibilities

How Does the Mental Load Affect Women?

The mental load is work done in addition to tangible household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on.

Many women feel especially drained by the mental load because not only is the list endless and tiring, it's often taken for granted by their male partner and children.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load often leaves women so exhausted that they have little or no energy for their own self care.  

Since many women feel overwhelmed by these tasks, they often report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. 

This often means feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from their male partner who isn't sharing in the mental load. 

If the mental load continues to fall disproportionately on the woman over time, it can contribute to the destruction of the relationship.

Why It's a Problem For Male Partners to Say, "You should've asked for help"

When women complain to their male partners, they often get a response along the lines of, "You should've asked for help," which is annoying and frustrating to many women.

Why? Because the question implies that the mental load is the woman's primary responsibility and the male partner is offering to "help" rather than sharing the tasks equally.

How to Share the Mental Load With Your Partner

• Talk to Your Partner About It: Even though you might have complained many times before about feeling exhausted from assuming the primary responsibility for the mental load, your partner might not have understood or, if he understood, he might have agreed to be better about it and then he quickly forgot about it. Don't wait until you're at your wits end. Make time to discuss this problem calmly when you both have time and privacy. Then, explain how you feel and how you're affected by all these responsibilities. Your partner needs to make a real commitment to change and then actually make changes.

• Share This Article: Sometimes when a partner reads an article, they're more receptive to change than when they feel you're trying to change or "fix" them. So, share this article so they can have another way to understand the concept of the mental load.

• Work Out a Way to Share the Responsibilities Equally: This can be tricky to work out. One possible way is to do things together. For instance, if you're usually the one who takes full responsibility for meal planning, work on it together. There might be some trial and error before you both feel you're sharing responsibilities equally, so think of it as a work in progress until you both get it worked out.

Give Up Control After Your Partner Shares the Mental Load

• Give Up Control: Once your partner shares responsibilities with you, you need to give up control. That means giving up on monitoring, criticizing or correcting your partner's way of doing things if it's different from your own. In addition, even if you and your partner are able to share the mental load equally, be aware that it's not unusual for heterosexual women to feel guilty about not living up to societal expectations with regard to traditional gender roles.

• Expect to Make Adjustments: As previously mentioned, it might take you and your partner many tries until you both adjust to sharing responsibilities. This usually isn't a one-and-done discussion. So, if you both know this in advance, you will expect it.

Getting Help in Therapy

Making changes in your relationship can be challenging--even when both people are motivated.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If both of you have been unable to make changes on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?

Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?

Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women

Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

Communicate

• Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

Communicate

• Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 

Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax

• Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 

• Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.

• Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 

• Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 

• Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot

• Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.

• Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.

• Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.

Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare

• Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What You Need to Know About the G-spot

What is the G-spot?

The G-spot is part of women's larger clitoral network which means it's part of the clitoris. 

The G-spot is Part of the Larger Clitoral Network

The G-spot is known as the Grafenberg spot. It's located on the anterior wall of the vagina. 

How to Find the G-spot

It's best for a woman to start by relaxing and being willing to explore a little because the G-spot can be a little complicated to find.

If a woman is lying down, she or her partner can find the G-spot by inserting a finger an inch or so inside the vagina and touching the upper vaginal wall--the spot that is on the same side as the belly button.

How to Stimulate the G-spot

Dr. Beverly Whipple, an American sexologist, discovered that by making a "come here" motion with a finger inside the vagina on the upper wall, this can stimulate the G-spot.

Since the G-spot is part of the clitoral network, when you stimulate the G-spot, you're stimulating part of the clitoris.

Stimulating Her G-spot

Most people think the clitoris is only the pea size nub which is part of the vulva and visible to the eye. But the part of the clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of it. The clitoris actually extends inside the vagina and divides into two "roots" which can be four inches long inside.

The location of the G-spot varies somewhat from woman to woman, which is another reason why it can be difficult to find at first.

What is Squirting?

Stimulation of the G-spot can cause a woman to squirt, especially if her outer clitoris is being stimulated with cunninlingus (oral sex for women) or fingering of the outer part of the clitoris at the same time the G-spot is being stimulated.

Squirting,which is also known as female ejaculation, is a release of fluid during an orgasm. 

The fluid is a combination of urea, uric acid, creatinine and some urine released from the Skene's glands, which are at the lower end of the urethra.

Simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot can result in squirting.

Squirting varies from women to woman. Not all women squirt. Some women might squirt once in their life and never again. Others might squirt more frequently.

Some women are embarrassed when they squirt because it involves a gush of liquid and many women assume that the liquid is all urine.

Squirting has nothing to do with the quality of a woman's sexual pleasure or whether or not she had an orgasm.  A woman can experience a great deal of sexual pleasure, including an orgasm, but she might not squirt.

Squirting became a popular topic on social media because it's often depicted in pornography.  

Unfortunately, pornography is the main source of sexual information for many young people--even though, in reality, the way standard porn depicts sexual pleasure, especially women's sexual pleasure, is distorted, at best, and wrong at worst.

Ethical pornography, which is mostly made by women, has more realistic depictions of sexual pleasure compared to standard pornography.

Standard pornography is mostly made for the male perspective and mainly focused on male pleasure to the exclusion of realistic female pleasure (see my article: What is Ethical Pornography?).

Focus on Sexual Pleasure

As I've mentioned in prior articles, to enjoy sex it's best to focus on sexual pleasure rather than approaching it in a performative way (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Also see my article: How to Make Oral S£x Great For Her

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Socios£xuality?

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality is the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship.  Sociosexuality is also known as sociosexual orientation.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Sociosexuality involves behaviors and attitudes related to:

• Actual and preferred frequency of sex
• Number of desired partners
• Whether or not there are extramarital affairs
• Engaging in sex outside a committed relationship
• How likely a person is to engage in sexual fantasies about people outside their current relationship

What is the Difference Between Restricted vs Unrestricted Sociosexuality?

Although sociosexuality is usually presented as being either restricted or unrestricted, in actuality, sociosexuality is probably on a continuum just like sexual orientation, gender and relationship styles are on a continuum.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Here are the definitions of restricted and unrestricted sociosexuality:

Restricted Sociosexuality

• Usually unwilling to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Prefer to engage in sex where there is love, emotional connection and commitment
• Usually not interested in a diversity of partners because they prefer to focus on one person
• Prefer less sexual variety
• Tend to seek relationship stability
• Tend to get involved in long term relationships
• Tend to be less comfortable picking up strangers or being picked up by strangers
• Generally, less likely to cheat
• Lesbians and heterosexual women tend to be more restrictive than bisexual women (based on research)

Unrestricted Sociosexuality

• Usually more willing to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Able to engage in sex where there is no love, emotional connection or commitment
• Desire a diversity of sexual partners as opposed to focusing on one partner
• Desire more sexual variety
• Tend not to be as concerned, in general, about being in a stable relationship
• Tend to get involved in shorter term relationships with less commitment and emotional connection
• Tend to feel comfortable picking up strangers and being picked up by strangers
• Generally, more likely to cheat
• Bisexual women tend to be less restrictive as compared to heterosexual and lesbian women (based on sex research)

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Sociosexuality?

Understanding your own sociosexuality helps you to understand yourself in terms of what you want from dating, relationships and sex.  It helps to put your preferences in context of what is known about sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Understanding other people's sociosexuality helps you to determine whether or not you and they are compatible.

What Are the Implications of Sociosexuality with Regard to Dating and Relationships?

Sex researchers have determined that people who tend to use picture based dating apps tend to have unrestricted or less restrictive sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

People with restricted sociosexuality tend to express less satisfaction with picture based dating apps because these people are focused on more than just looks.

Knowing whether you and a prospective partner are compatible with regard to sociosexuality is more likely to contribute to relationship and sexual satisfaction for both of you.

More sex research is needed to explore sociosexuality on a spectrum rather than categorizing it as either restricted or unrestricted.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection: Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial With Experiential Therapy

In my prior article, The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial, I discussed the defense mechanism of denial and how denial impacts people psychologically as well as physically due to the mind-body connection.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

In this article I'm focusing on how Experiential Therapy can help clients who use denial as a maladaptive coping mechanism  (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Denial as an Unconscious Process

For many people using denial is an unconscious process. 

People who use denial unconsciously often have little or no awareness that they are using denial to avoid emotional pain--until there are consequences as a result of the denial and avoidance.

The consequences might be a worsening of their emotional problems and/or health.

People who have more awareness about their use of denial often realize they need help, but their fear of dealing with their problems keeps them from fully acknowledging their problem so they don't seek help.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

What You Can Do on Your Own

• Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem: This is the first step in overcoming denial. If you recognize you engage in a pattern of denial and avoidance, you can start to make changes. Some of the signs that you use denial as a defense mechanism include:

• Getting defensive
• Avoiding thinking about a problem
• Avoiding taking action to resolve a problem

• Slow Down: You're more likely to use denial as a way to avoid a problem when you react quickly, so taking the time to slow down can help you to self reflect on how your behavior (or lack of behavior) is affecting a problem you're avoiding.

Practice Mindfulness

• Practice Mindfulness: Along with slowing down, practicing mindfulness can help you to stay calm and grounded so you can deal with stress and your own habit of denial and avoidance.

• Develop Self Awareness: Self reflection can help you to be more self aware recognize how you might be self sabotaging.

Writing in a Journal Develop Self Awareness

• Write in a Journal: Writing about your problems in an open way can help you to observe and reflect on your thoughts, emotions and behavior (see my article:  Writing Can Help You Reflect on Your Thoughts, Emotions and Behavior).

Asking For Emotional Support

• Ask for Emotional Support: Ask trusted family and friends for emotional support. Be open to their feedback and suggestions without getting defensive (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Help to Overcome a Pattern of Using Denial

Experiential Therapy is different than regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can help you:

• Develop Self Awareness: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop better self awareness about unconscious defense mechanisms you might be using, including denial, using mind-body oriented interventions (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Develop Greater Self Reflective Capacity: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop or improve your self reflective capacity so that you can think about their thoughts, emotions and behaviors, including unconscious motivations. Becoming aware of unconscious motivations and using self reflection can help you to think before you act so they can make better choices (see my article: The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution).

Gaining Insight in Therapy

• Gain Insight: Experiential Therapy can help you to gain insight into your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

• Provide Clinical Feedback: Experiential Therapists can provide you with clinical feedback to help them understand your patterns and how you make decisions so you can grow and change.

• Overcome Emotional Blocks: Experiential Therapists are aware that you might have difficulty making the changes you want to make because you might have emotional blocks that need to be identified. Once emotional blocks have been discovered, Experiential Therapists can help you to work through and overcome the blocks. This is often challenging and requires a commitment to let go of dynamics that are holding you back (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

• Facilitate Transformational Experiences in Therapy: Experiential Therapists can help facilitate transformational changes.

Get Help in Therapy

Since defense mechanisms, like denial, are often unconscious, it can be difficult to overcome emotional blocks to change on your own.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an Experiential Therapist who can help you to overcome maladaptive coping strategies, like denial and avoidance.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you lead to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an Experiential Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles to their growth.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.