What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst (1875-1961), wisely stated that what you resist not only persists--it gets stronger.

What You Resist Persists

What Happens When You Resist a Part of Yourself?

In earlier articles I've discussed that we are all made of many different parts.  As an example, on the most basic level, you often hear people say things like, "A part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part of me wants to stay home." 

This implies a basic understanding that, as humans, we're made up of a multiplicity of selves and that, at any given time, different parts (or aspects of self) emerge under different circumstances.

When you resist acknowledging a part of yourself, you're unwilling or unable to deal with that part or the negative circumstances involved.

The More You Resist, the More It Persists

Instead of working through the negative circumstances related to the part of yourself that you're resisting, you try to suppress it, which only works for a short time before that part comes to the surface again--usually stronger than before.

By suppressing this part over and over again, without realizing it, you're remaining attached to the negative circumstances related to this part instead of finding a resolution.

In other words, you use a lot of energy to keep pushing down this aspect of yourself, but it only goes outside your conscious awareness temporarily.  And you can't get rid of it because it's a part of you, so you end up in an ongoing cycle of frustration and resistance instead of resolving what you don't like.

This ongoing resistance to keep your unwanted parts out of your conscious awareness causes a vicious cycle, and it takes more and more energy to keep suppressing it. This can lead to anxiety and depression as well as health issues as stress increases.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates the concept that resistance strengthens unwanted aspects of yourself. It also shows how Parts Work can help:

Bill

When he was a child, Bill's parents were both highly critical of him.  He grew up feeling inadequate and ashamed of himself.

As a child, he unconsciously internalized this highly critical aspect of her parents, as children do under these circumstances, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, he often berated himself for minor mistakes.

As an adult, Bill found it very difficult to tolerate his Inner Critic.  Whenever he made a mistake, this part of him surfaced and made him feel so uncomfortable that he did whatever he could do suppress it.  

Inwardly, Bill became highly critical of his Inner Critic, cursed it and wished he could kill it off rather than deal with it.

But whenever he thought he had succeeded in permanently suppressing this part of himself, the Inner Critic came back even stronger than before.  Then it would take much more effort for Bill to suppress it again. And, over time, this became a vicious cycle, which made Bill increasingly anxious and unhappy.

By the time Bill was in his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help because his hatred for this part became much stronger over time and he didn't know what to do.  So, he sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Bill's therapist did Ego States Therapy, which is a particular type of Parts Work.  She helped Bill to see that his resistance to his Inner Critic was only making matters worse. She explained that resistance wouldn't lead to a resolution.

She helped Bill to tap into the Inner Critic to befriend it and find out what that part needed.  At first, Bill was hesitant to do this because, up until that point, he had done everything he could to get away from that part.  So, the idea of doing the opposite--befriending that part--felt scary to him.  But he learned to trust his therapist and he opened himself up to do Parts Work.

Gradually, Bill realized this Inner Critic was an internalization of his parents' critical stance towards him that he took in at a young age. As he imagined talking to that part of himself, he realized that below the surface there was a sad, helpless child, his younger self.

He also learned that although the Inner Critic appeared to be hostile towards him, this part had a protective function--it wanted to protect Bill from the criticism of others.  This amazed Bill because he had never thought of the Inner Critic as being anything other than a hated part of himself.

The more he engaged in an inner dialogue with the Inner Critic, the more that part softened and Bill learned that this part didn't want to ruin his life, as Bill had always thought. This part, which was blended with a younger part who felt alone and lonely, had positive aspects to it.

Over time, Bill developed a relationship with these younger parts so they no longer felt alone and lonely because he had befriended them and during Ego States Therapy Bill imagined he could soothe these alienated parts.

Once his Inner Critic softened, Bill's psychotherapist did EMDR therapy with Bill to work on his childhood trauma.  

It took time to work on these issues, but his work in therapy helped Bill to free himself of the vicious cycle he had been caught up in and helped him to resolve his childhood trauma.

How to Stop Resisting and Make Friends With the Part of Yourself You Don't Like

• Stop Fighting With the Part: Fighting with a part is the equivalent of resistance. The more you resist, the more it persists and gets stronger.  It might sound counterintuitive, but you need to stop resisting the part.

Befriend the Parts of Yourself You Don't Like

• Establish a Dialog With the Part: The part you're resisting is a part of yourself.  Once you stop fighting with that part, recognize there's a lot more going on under the surface than you realize and the way to find out about it is to develop a caring relationship with the part.  Show compassion for that part. You can do this in Parts Work therapy or you can do it on your own by having your own dialog with the part either in your mind or, even better, in writing. If you do it in writing, it can take the form of a script where you, as your adult self, have a dialog with the Inner Critic to ask what s/he needs. Usually, once a person pays attention to an unwanted part, that part softens.  Talk to this part kindly and listen to what it says it needs.  Then, use your imagination to imagine you can give it what it needs. If it says it needs a hug, imagine that part sitting next to you so you can give it a hug (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself and Giving Voice to Prevously Disowned Parts of Yourself).

• Make an Effort to Be Aware of the Part on a Regular Basis: Whether you imagine a dialog once a week or once a day, make an effort to be aware of and present for that part.  Over time, your relationship with that part is likely to improve.

Getting Help in Therapy

Parts Work goes by many different names, including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (see my article: Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

If you try befriending an alienated part of yourself and you don't make progress on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work.

Working with a skilled Parts Work therapist can help you to overcome your resistance so you can reach a resolution to your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist for Couples, Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

10 Tips to Help You Open Up With Your Psychotherapist

If you've never been in therapy before or if you haven't had a good experience with a prior therapist, you might find it difficult to open up with a new psychotherapist, so this article will provide you with some tips that can make it easier for you.

Opening Up With Your Therapist

10 Tips For Opening Up With Your Psychotherapist

• 1. Start By Choosing a Therapist Who is Right For You: The most important consideration when you're ready to go to therapy is whether you and any potential therapist you might choose are a good fit. Starting with a new therapist can be an adjustment--especially if you've never been in therapy before. It's a unique relationship where the focus is on you. Before committing to therapy with any particular therapist, you can attend a consultation with a therapist to see if you feel comfortable her. You might not be certain after one consultation, but you can usually tell after a few sessions. Even after you have chosen a therapist, it takes a while to build a rapport with a therapist because you're talking about the most emotionally vulnerable aspects of your life, so give it time. Also, make sure the therapist has the expertise you need for your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

• 2. Think About What You Want to Talk About Before Your Sessions: If you want to get the most out of your therapy sessions, take some time before the session to reflect on what you want to talk about.  Many clients find it helpful to make notes for themselves so they use their time well in session. There are also many other clients who prefer to be more spontaneous in session because that's what works best for them. But if you have problems opening up to talk about yourself, prior reflection can be helpful (see my article: Getting the Most Out of Your Therapy Sessions).

• 3. Talk About Your Fear or Anxiety About Opening Up to Your Therapist: Most therapists know that clients often have a hard time opening up, especially if they weren't encouraged to talk about their feelings when they were growing up. A skilled therapist can help you to get comfortable enough to explore your fear or anxiety about opening up so you can eventually open up.  If a therapist is a mind-body oriented therapist, she can help you to get more comfortable with breathing or grounding exercises.

• 4. Consider Your Therapy Sessions a Collaboration Between You and Your Therapist: Therapy is a team effort.  Gone are the days when therapists just listened to you talk and after a while made an interpretation that was supposed to unlock profound insights. These days therapy is much less hierarchical and there's a recognition that clients and therapists work together in therapy to make it a meaningful experience. Although your therapist can help you to speak about difficult topics, you have the responsibility for initiating what you want to talk about.  Therapists aren't advisors, so they won't provide you with answers to your problems, but they can help you through the process (see my article: Psychotherapy as a Collaborative Effort Between Client and Therapist).

Opening Up With Your Therapist

• 5. Take Some Time Before the Session to Relax, If Possible: It's understood that most people lead busy lives, but if it's possible for you to take even a few minutes before your session, do some breathing or stretching to help you relax before the session starts.

• 6. Keep Your Therapy Appointments on a Regular Basis and Come On Time: In order to keep the momentum going in your therapy, you need to come regularly. It's understood that you might have to cancel once in a while (make sure you know your therapist's cancellation policy), but weekly sessions are generally the expectation.  Coming on time allows you to have the full benefit of the therapy time because sessions start and end at the appointed time, so if you're late, you won't get a full session (see my article: How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy).

• 7, Keep the Focus on Your Sessions Without Distractions During Your Appointment: This means you don't have any other distractions (e.g., phones, pets, etc) so you can stay focused on your session. If you're having an online session, make sure you have absolute privacy. Therapy sessions where you don't have privacy are considered unethical and therapists won't conduct a session under those circumstances. 

Opening Up With Your Therapist

• 8. Recognize That Therapy is a Process: You might not feel comfortable divulging the most vulnerable parts of yourself during the initial stage of therapy and that's alright. Give it time.  If you have issues opening up about a particular topic that you would like to work on, tell your therapist about your difficulty so she can help you to get comfortable (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear and Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 9. Opening Up Usually Gets Easier Over Time: Assuming you and your therapist are a good match, opening up usually becomes easier over time as you build a rapport with your therapist and develop trust and confidence.  This is also part of the process.

• 10. Talk About the Therapy With Your Therapist: If you're not sure about the process, talk to your therapist about it. Whether you're in the initial stage of therapy or you have been attending for a while, you can talk to your therapist about how you think therapy is going.  Many therapists do a check-in with clients periodically to see how the clients are feeling about the therapy, but you can talk about the therapy at any time, especially if there's something you don't understand or an area where you and your therapist don't agree. It's also a good idea to talk about the therapeutic relationship and whether you think it's going well.  If there's anything you feel went wrong in a session, bring it up so it can be addressed as soon as possible (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Conclusion

You can usually get a sense of whether you and your therapist are a good match.  If it's not a good match, you can tell your therapist rather than ghosting her. Experienced therapist are aware that every therapist isn't for every client, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Most clients get comfortable opening up over time, but if you have a particularly difficult time and you're aware that you and your therapist are a good match, bring up your difficulty in your therapy session.

Your therapist can help you to identify and work on overcoming whatever emotional obstacles might be getting in your way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Many Women Don't Tell Their Male Partners When They Have Pain During Intimacy

Painful intercourse is a common problem for many women of all ages. Unfortunately, instead of telling their partner about the pain, more than 50% of women endure the pain without ever mentioning it (see my article: Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex).

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

Why Don't Women Tell Their Partners They're Having Pain During Intercourse?

When researchers asked women why they didn't tell their male partners about painful sex, they received the following responses from women:

• They thought pain was "normal" during sex (it's not).

• They felt pain wasn't worth mentioning because the pain wasn't severe.

• They were concerned that if they told their male partner they had pain during intercourse, it would mean they wouldn't have intercourse at all.

Why Women Don't Talk About Painful Intercourse

• They prioritized their male partner's pleasure over their own discomfort--even if it meant they would keep experiencing painful sex every time.

• They felt too embarrassed to talk about painful sex with their partner, so they would rather endure the pain than talk about it.

• They didn't want to make their partner feel uncomfortable.

• They didn't want any awkwardness between them and their partner.

• They thought they just needed to "power through" intercourse--even though it's painful.

• They didn't know they could engage in other sexual activities that could be just as sexually satisfying for them and their partner and that sex involves more than just intercourse.

What Causes Painful Intercourse For Women?

There can be many reasons why a women experience painful interourse.  

To determine the reason for the pain in their particular case, women need to consult with a knowledgeable sexual health professional (not all primary care doctors or even gynecologists are knowledgeable about painful sex).  

Some potential causes for painful sex include:

• Lack of sufficient lubrication during sexual intercourse, which cause irritation and pain

• Insufficient sexual arousal because women and their male partners rush through sex without taking the time to ensure women are sufficiently aroused for sexual intercourse

• Longstanding resentment due to relationship conflict which gets in the way of sexual pleasure and, in turn, can result in painful intercourse

• Undiagnosed vaginismus, resulting in muscle spasms at the entrance of the vagina which either restrict entrance or clamp shut the vagina

• Pain around the vulva, the outer part of women's genitals, which is called vulvodynia which can result in pain, irritation, a burning sensation, soreness or rawness.

• Vaginal infections, including a yeast infection or bacterial infection (vaginosis)

• Vaginal dryness due to menopause

• Vulvar Vestibulitis, an inflammation of the vestibular glands just outside the vagina

• Birth control pills as a cause of sexual pain due to biochemical changes

• Other medical conditions, such as uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and other gynecological problems can lead to painful sex

• Other medical problems 

What Can Women Do to Deal With Painful Intercourse?

• Talk to your partner (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2

Talk to Your Partner About Painful Intercourse

• Seek help from a knowledgeable gynecologist or a sexual health professional

• Seek help from a pelvic floor specialist

• Seek help from a sex therapist, especially if the problem involves sexual anxiety, unresolved resentment toward a partner or other unresolved emotional issues, including a history of sexual abuse

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Seek Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In my previous article, Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction, I focused specifically on how stress and anxiety can make it difficult for men to get and stay hard and how sex therapy can help with this problem.

Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In the current article, I'm addressing the idea that "real men" are always ready and willing to get it up any time, any place and with anyone.  

Is this true?  In a word, no.

Problems With Getting an Maintaining an Erection Are Common

It's not true because, at some time or another, most men have problems with getting or maintaining an erection.  

It's a common problem that occurs occasionally for many reasons, which will be discussed below, and when it occurs occasionally, in most instances, once medical problems have been ruled out, it's not a cause for concern.

The idea that "real men" are always ready to get it up is a form of toxic masculinity which perpetuates psychologically destructive misinformation for men and their partners. And one of the primary reasons it's so destructive is that the logical conclusion to this myth is that a man who isn't always ready to get it up is "less than a man" or deficient in some way. 

This myth often creates feelings of shame and inadequacy for men and feelings of being sexually undesirable for their partners--regardless of sexual orientation and gender.

This myth can also perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, shame, doubt and fear that can lead to ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction (ED) when ED was never the problem to begin with.

Why Can't a Man Get Hard If He Wants to Have Sex and He Finds His Partner Sexually Desirable?

Men aren't machines so it's not a matter of pressing a button to automatically get their penis hard.

Men can find their partners very sexually desirable and still not be able to get or maintain an erection for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to):

• Stress
• Tiredness
• Too much alcohol
• Side effects of certain medications
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Other emotional issues
• Relationship problems
• Health concerns like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, poor circulation, prostate problems, age-related problems and so on
• Financial problems
• Other related issues

When a man's partner assumes that his problems with getting and maintaining an erection reflect poorly on the partner, this perception compounds the problem even further by creating stress and bad feelings in the relationship.

At that point, a man can feel even more pressure to get and stay hard because he feels his masculinity is in question and also because he doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

But stress and pressure make it harder to get and maintain an erection, so this can become a negative cycle.

Are There Times When a "Real Man" Just Doesn't Want to Have Sex?

In a word, yes.

Why should wanting to have sex be any different from wanting to do anything else?

If we were discussing a preference for anything else--going to the movies, eating dinner at a particular restaurant, watching TV and so on, it would be obvious that there are times when people don't want to engage in an activity and other times when they don't.  

It's the same for having sex and, once again, it's not a reflection on the man or his partner.  

But, once again, if a man feels pressure because he doesn't want to have sex, he might feel he has to "man up" to have sex when he doesn't want it because he fears being judged as "less than a man" and he also doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

To complicate matters, many men (and women) don't feel comfortable talking about sex with  their partner because they don't know how and/or they feel ashamed (see my article:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

In addition, even though it's often assumed that "real men" are always ready for sex, many men experience responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire so, even if they're willing to have sex, they need time to get sexually aroused (see my article: Both Responsive and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Normal).

What If Problems With Getting Hard Are Due to Relational Problems?

There are times when men (and women) don't want to have sex because there are problems in the relationship.  This is a common problem.

It's a good idea for a man to see a urologist or sexual health doctor to first rule out any other health reasons that are affecting his ability to have an erection.  Once those problems are ruled out, the problem can be related to other problems, including relational problem with a partner.

With regard to relational problems, it makes sense that feelings of anger, sadness, hurt or emotional numbness aren't conducive to wanting sex.  

Under these circumstances, couples often need to get help both relationally and sexually from a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist to overcome problems that are creating emotional and sexual obstacles in the relationship.

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Couples seek help in couples and sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Sex therapy, in particular, is for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

There is no nudity, sex or physical exams in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy? ).

If you're having problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Overcoming your problems can allow you to have a more meaningful relationship and a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Couples therapist and a sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

Anxiety-related erectile dysfunction is a common problem for men regardless of sexual orientation, age or race (see my article: What is Sexual Anxiety?).

What is the Link Between Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction?

Most men experience occasional problems with maintaining an erection and most of the time these occasional problems aren't a cause for concern.

Anxiety-Related Problems With ED

Occasional problems can be related to not getting enough sleep, drinking too much or other factors.

Occasional problems are different from ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction.  

Assuming medical problems have been ruled out by a urologist or a sexual health doctor, erectile dysfunction (ED) is often caused by stress and anxiety, especially when men worry about their ability to please their partner (see my article: The 5 Most Common Male Sexual Insecurities).

Anxiety and stress-related ED can include one or more of the following problems:

• Problems with Body Image: For many men body image problems involve worrying that their penis is too small.  There can be a lot of variation in penis size, however, the average size of a flaccid penis is 3.5 inches and 5.1 inches for an erect penis.  Men who compare the size of their penis to male actors in pornography can develop a distorted view of what an average penis looks like, especially if they don't realize that male actors in porn are chosen for their unusually large penises.  

• Shame and Guilt About Sex: Shame and guilt can be related to many factors, including personal shame about sex, cultural shame or interpersonal issues with a partner.

Anxiety-Related Problems With ED

• Relationship Conflict: Stress and anxiety related to relationship conflict can be a contributing factor to ED and an inability to experience sexual pleasure. Relationship conflict can include frequent arguments, a history of emotional and/or sexual infidelity, financial infidelity, child-rearing disagreements, problems with one's own family or with in-laws, and so on.

• Unresolved Sexual Trauma: When there is unresolved sexual trauma, partnered sex can trigger trauma-related guilt and shame which often has nothing to do with the current sexual partner.  Trauma-related triggers occur in an instant without a person's conscious awareness.  Since trauma-related triggers often occur outside a person's awareness, a man might not understand why he feels so emotionally overwhelmed in the moment because he doesn't realize he is triggered and that the trigger has nothing to do with his current partner.  Anything can act as a trigger including a scent, a word, a gesture, a movement, a particular sexual position and hundreds of other things that were related to the original trauma (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship and Overcoming a History of Sexual Abuse).

• Sexual Libido Differences in a Relationship: This is the #1 problem that brings couples into sex therapy.  Even though they can accept that they have differences when it comes to food or entertainment, most people find it difficult to accept that they experience sexual libido differences with their partner. This can create sexual pressure for a man or feelings of sexual rejection which, in turn, can lead to ED or sexual avoidance (see my article: Relationships and Mismatched Sex Drives: What is Discrepant Sexual Desire?).

• Lack of Sexual Experience: When a man worries he won't be able to "perform" sexually or that he won't be able to satisfy his partner, this can lead to "spectatoring" where a man becomes so self conscious that he becomes a so-called "spectator." Rather that enjoying sex with his partner, he is  "spectatoring" which takes him out of the sexual experience and can create a problem ED (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

• Stress and Worry Unrelated to Sex: A little stress in the form of sexual anticipation can enhance sexual pleasure, but too much stress can lead to ED.  

• Other Mental Health Problems: Generalized anxiety, depression and other mental health problems that are not directly related to sex can also contribute to ED.

How Does Sex Therapy Help Men to Overcome Erectile Dysfunction?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Sex therapy is an effective treatment for sexual anxiety and other sexual problems.

During a sex therapy session, there is no sex, nudity or physical exams (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Regardless of the sexual problem, sex therapy usually begins with an assessment, including taking a family history, relationship history and sexual history to determine how the current problem might be related to the client's history.  This usually takes several sessions.

Sex therapy is an effective form of treatment for ED and other sexual problems (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

The underlying issues of erectile dysfunction are different for each person, so there is no one-size-fits all approach to overcoming ED.  

If a man is able to maintain an erection when he masturbates and if he experiences normal erections during sleep and upon waking up (also known as "morning wood"), ED is usually related to an underlying issue that he might have no awareness about before beginning sex therapy.

A sex therapist is a trained mental health professional who has special training in sexual-related problems, including erectile dysfunction.

Sex therapists give sex therapy clients assignments to do at home either alone or with a partner.  This can include (but is not limited to):

• Practicing Sensate Focus or other forms of touch exercises (see my article: What is Sensate Focus?)

• Reading assignments 

• Keeping a journal related to the sexual problem (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal)

• Practicing sexual communication with a partner (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex)

• Other assignments between sex therapy sessions

If the ED occurs within the context of a relationship, it's considered a relationship problem and sex therapy is more effective if both partners are attending sex therapy sessions together.

In future articles, I'll explore, among other topics, how the penis is often a barometer of physical, emotional and sexual health.

Also, see my article: Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

In addition to whatever underlying issues there might be, men often feel too ashamed to seek help in sex therapy.  This is often due to distorted stereotypes of what it means to "be a man" or to "be strong."

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sexual shame is often reduced or eliminated when men learn how common erectile dysfunction is for men regardless of age, sexual orientation, race and other identifying factors.

If you're experiencing ED, rather than struggling on your own or ignoring the problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trained sex therapist.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Overcoming anxiety-related ED can lead to more satisfying sex and a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, couples therapist, hypnotherapist and trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of trauma therapy) with more than 20 years of experience.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome sexual problems.

My office is conveniently located in Greenwich Village, Manhattan where I provide in-person and virtual sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

Life can be so challenging at times that you might find yourself balancing feelings of hope and dread (see my article: Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Get Through Stressful Times).

Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

While it's important not to be overtaken by dread, it's also important not to live on false hope, which will be discussed later on in this article.

This article will also discuss the role of unresolved trauma and how it can get in the way of having a sense of hope for the future.

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being

There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 

• 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful enough--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the goals or challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).

Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

• 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).

• 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many long terms projects. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.

Avoiding False Hope and Unrealistic Expectations

Being hopeful doesn't mean that you latch onto false hope or unrealistic expectations.

It also doesn't mean "never giving up on your dreams" if your dreams aren't achievable or they're based on toxic positivity.

For example, if you have a dream of being an Olympic swimmer, but you never learn to swim, your dream is rooted in false hope and unrealistic expectations.  Or, if you want to become a concert pianist, but you hardly ever practice the piano, you're not going to fulfill your dream.

The examples given above are easy to see, but it's not always clear when you're indulging in false hope. 

For example, if you're in a relationship that has long-standing problems, you might not have a sense of whether your relationship can be salvaged or if it's beyond repair.  

In that case, a couples therapist, who is a relationship expert, can help you both to assess how you feel about the relationship and whether you each feel it's still viable.

Seeking Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma, you might find it challenging to feel hopeful even under the best of circumstances because your prior traumatic experiences can cloud your perspective (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Seek Help in Therapy

If you feel you're constantly "waiting for the other shoe to drop" even when there's nothing in your current circumstances to warrant your concern, you could benefit from seeking help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a more hopeful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their traumatic history (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?

In recent years, many psychotherapists have become increasingly open to adopting a strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy.  This strengths-based perspective looks at not only clients' problems but also emphasizes clients' strengths and positive qualities.  

Social work has had an influence on this trend because it has a long tradition of recognizing clients' positive  aspects.  Over the years, as psychotherapists with social work background have come to dominate the psychotherapy field in New York City, psychotherapy has begun to change to reflect this positive perspective.

I believe there are many advantages to having a strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy--not least of which is that psychotherapists can help clients to develop increased self confidence as they learn to appreciate the strengths they already have.  As it is, many clients come to therapy feeling badly about themselves. Often, they can't see their many positive qualities. They dwell mostly on the negative.

A Strengths-Based Perspective in Therapy

Therapists who have a strengths-based perspective can help clients to appreciate what's right about them and not just what's wrong.

Psychotherapy's early history was one of pathologizing clients.  In recent years,  mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which includes EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing, has emphasized helping clients to develop emotional resources as compared to only looking for pathology.  One of the best ways to help clients build emotional resources is to help them enhance the strengths they already have and might not even realize they have.  

Recognizing Strengths and Accomplishments
For instance, a client, who begins psychotherapy due to a history of trauma, might have significant accomplishments, despite longstanding trauma.  S/he might have graduated college, raised a family, and maintained gainful employment.  

Many clients don't appreciate their own resilience and ability to persevere despite adverse circumstances. They often minimize these strengths by telling themselves and others, "It wasn't such a big deal.  I just did what I had to do."  But a psychotherapist with a strengths-based perspective has the objectivity and the mindset to help a client with these strengths to appreciate and build upon these strengths.

A strengths-based perspective in psychotherapy is not a "feel good"or "Pollyanna" approach.  Therapists still need to help clients to overcome their problems and to look at how they might even be contributing to their problems.  A strengths-based perspective isn't a quick fix.  Rather, it's an even-handed, holistic approach that, I believe, in the long run, is much more beneficial to psychotherapy clients.

If you have been considering attending psychotherapy, but you've been hesitant because you fear being pathologized in therapy, I recommend that you find a psychotherapist who has a strengths-based perspective.  

Before you embark on the self exploration involved in psychotherapy, I recommend that you ask questions. Most experienced therapists expect potential clients to ask them about their psychotherapy approach in an initial consultation.  Many therapists also have websites that provide information about their particular philosophy to psychotherapy.  You have a right to be an informed consumer and to trust your instincts.

See my articles: 

A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy: Looking at the Whole Person

Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients overcome obstacles so that they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me