How to Increase Your Tolerance for Uncertainty to Reduce Your Anxiety

As I discussed in a prior article, Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression, anxiety fueled by uncertainty is now the biggest mental health problem in the United States and around the world according to the findings of the World Health Organization (WHO). 

Increasing Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety

But even before the pandemic, other types of uncertainty contributed to anxiety for many people.  So, the focus of this article is on how to increase your tolerance for uncertainty so you can reduce your anxiety (see my article: Coping With Uncertainty).

Increasing Your Tolerance for Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

In a prior article, What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?, I made this distinction: 

Whereas fear is a response to a known threat, anxiety is a vague feeling of apprehension about an anticipated unknown threat (see my article: Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety).

What's the Difference Between Coping with Fear vs Coping with Anxiety?

When you're struggling with a specific fear, you can deal with your fear directly because it's known.  

For instance, if you have a fear of public speaking, you can deal with it directly by taking a class to help you become more comfortable with speaking in public. 

But the vagueness of anxiety makes it more challenging.

Tips to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty and Reduce Anxiety

Although it's not easy, here are some tips to increase your tolerance for uncertainty that fuels anxiety:

• Accept That You're Anxious: Rather than trying to deny your anxiety, start by acknowledging and accepting it.  Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or that you're being passive about it.  It's more about accepting that you have a problem as a starting point.  The more you try to deny and suppress it, the worse the problem will become.  It's better to admit it and have compassion for yourself.  Also, when you acknowledge and accept your anxiety, you're in a better position to do something about it (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things You've Been in Denial About).

• Educate Yourself About Anxiety: Knowing that anxiety is currently the most common mental health problem can be comforting by letting you know you're not alone.  

• Learn to Be Flexible With Change: When you're inflexible, you're more likely to feel stuck and unable to cope. But, in general, when you learn to approach change with a degree of flexibility, you're more likely to come up with ways to deal with change and feel better about yourself.  Over time, you'll be able to look back on times where you dealt with change and feel more confident about your current situation.  

• Learn to Distinguish Between What's Possible vs What's Probable: Being able to step back to ask yourself whether your apprehension is possible vs probable is a useful way to get a better perspective.  To the extent you can make this distinction, you can reduce your anxiety about something that isn't probable.  You can also remember prior times when you were needlessly anxious about something that was improbable and compare that situation to the current one.

• Get Information: If you're anxious, get information. For instance, if you're anxious about the possibility of losing your job (even though there are no known reasons for you to be anxious about it), you can seek information about other job opportunities in your field.  Just taking this step can get you out of an endless cycle of paralyzing anxiety by helping you to realize that there are other possibilities for you if the need should arise.  This can help you feel more empowered.

My Next Article

In my next article, I'll discuss how a history of unresolved psychological trauma can act as a trigger to increase your anxiety when you're dealing with uncertainty:

Working Through Past Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome problems with anxiety (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) there has been a 25% global increase in anxiety and depression due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and they believe this is just the tip of the iceberg (see my article: The Emotional and Physical Impact of the Global Pandemic).

Pandemic Causes Increase in Anxiety and Depression

What Has Contributed to the Pandemic-Related Increase in Depression and Anxiety?

According to WHO, some of the contributing factors include the following:

• Social isolation
• Constraints in work life
• Constraints in being able to seek emotional support from loved ones and community
• Loneliness
• Fear of getting the virus
• Getting sick due to the virus, including long-term health issues
• Worrying about underlying conditions that increase vulnerability to serious illness 
• Pre-existing mental health issues
• Inability to access health care/shortage of care
• Inability to access mental health care/shortage of care
• Grief due to loss of loved ones who succumbed to the virus
• Financial worries
• Uncertainty/fear that conditions will never improve
• A sense of foreboding, helplessness or powerlessness

Health care workers and others who have been on the frontlines have been hit especially hard, which has triggered suicidal thoughts for some of them (see my article: Helping the Helpers Overcome Burnout).

In addition, according to WHO, women and children have been impacted more than men.

NAMI Advocacy For Increased Access to Mental Health Care

The National Alliance For Mental Illness (NAMI) has been advocating for increased access to mental health care.

Pandemic Causes Increase in Anxiety and Depression

In addition to their advocacy for increased access to mental health care, NAMI also offers an array of education and free support for those in need.

NAMI also has a Helpline and provides a telephone number for those in need: 

(800) 950-NAMI (6264)

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988 Lifeline

See My Next Article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation to Calm Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety and depression can be mentally and physically debilitating.

If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety or depression, help is available.

You can access help from your insurance carrier or if you don't have insurance, you can contact the NAMI Helpline (see link above).

In New York City, some of the postgraduate psychotherapy training institutes also offer low-fee or sliding scale therapy, including:

Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP)

National Institute For Psychotherapies (NIP)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

In recent years, researchers have discovered that the initial phase of a new romantic relationship is characterized by new relationship energy (NRE).  NRE refers to that intense passion you experience at the beginning of a romantic relationship, which can be exhilarating and fun (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

NRE occurs during the so-called "honeymoon phase," which typically lasts up to 2-3 years or so.  

This is the phase when you spend a lot of time thinking about and yearning for that person, and when you see each other, you can't keep your hands off each other.

The Brain and New Relationship Energy 

Dr. Nan J. Wise, cognitive neuroscientist, licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, explores NRE in her book, Why Sex Matters.  

According to Dr. Wise, NRE includes high levels of dopamine flooding the brain.  

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

Dopamine plays a major role in movement, motivation, perception of reality and the ability to experience love and pleasure. 

High levels of dopamine can make you feel giddy and euphoric when you're around your partner.  

In addition, you usually experience high levels of oxytocin, often referred to as the "cuddle hormone," and vasopressin, which makes you feel emotionally and psychologically attached to your partner.

So, it's no wonder NRE makes this phase of the relationship so intense.

Tips For Keeping the Spark Alive in a Long Term Relationship

As previously mentioned, NRE eventually diminishes.

The chemicals in the brain settle down and, if your relationship endures past this phase, your feelings for each other often mature into a deeper kind of love.

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

While it's normal for NRE to wane after a while, many couples want to know how to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive in their relationship.

Here are some tips:

• Keep Joy Alive: The ability to experience joy together is important, especially for a long term relationship that will, inevitably, go through ups and downs.  The ability to laugh together is important to maintaining the vitality in your relationship.  In addition, finding new and novel ways to be with each other can also keep the joy alive.  This could include you and your partner being more playful with each other and exploring new fantasies.

• Engage in Open Communication: Being able to give and receive feedback openly is important to keeping the spark alive.  This means being open to hearing feedback which might not always be positive without getting defensive as well as your ability to talk openly and tactfully with your partner about how you feel about all aspects of your relationship, including sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Show Your Love and Affection: Rather than holding back, nurture your relationship, show your love for your partner by being physically affectionate, allowing yourself to show you're happy to reconnect with them when you've been apart, being emotionally and sexually generous in ways that are pleasing to both of you, making loving eye contact with your partner, establishing relationship goals, being aware of your peak erotic experiences as a couple, and finding other ways that are meaningful to both of you (see my articles: What Are the 5 Love Languages? and What If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages?).

• Be Open to New Experiences: Whether this means exploring new interests, ideas or places or finding new and exciting ways to be sexual, being open to new experiences helps to keep the spark alive in your relationship (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

• Be Your Own Person: Rather than merging together, find that balance between being your own person and being part of your relationship.  Maintain your own identity and interests as well as those you share with your partner.  Learn to compromise about time together and time apart.  Not only will being your own person allow you each to grow as individuals, but you'll both have something unique to bring to your relationship.  

• Be Generous: It's easy to take one another for granted, especially in a long term relationship, so it's important to show your appreciation and to be kind and emotionally generous.  Instead of keeping score, pick your battles and know when to overlook certain things that aren't important in the long run.  Know your partner's love maps and talk about your own.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point.  

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist.

A skilled therapist can help you to develop the tools and skills you need to live a more fulfilling life.

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise and experience to help you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma and the Fawn Response: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict, I began a discussion about fawning and how it's a response to trauma.  

As I mentioned in that article, generally, people are more familiar with the three other trauma responses: fight, flight and freeze, but not as much with the fawn response.

Trauma and the Fawn Response

The current article will expand upon this topic by giving a clinical vignette that illustrates a typical example of the fawn response and how experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help a client to overcome this traumatic response.

But first, let's recap by giving examples of the fawning response:

Signs of Fawning Behavior:

The following behaviors are some of the most common signs of fawning behavior:

• Having problems being assertive and saying no
• Being overly compliant on a regular basis to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Having trouble setting boundaries
• Being overly apologetic
• Sacrificing your own needs to prioritize the needs of others
• Denying emotional and/or physical needs on a regular basis
• Compromising your values to align yourself with others
• Feeling guilty when you feel angry towards others because you don't feel entitled to your feelings
• Trying to "fix" or rescue others from their problems
• Attempting to control others or their choices so you can feel emotionally safe
• Gushing with praise or being overly complimentary toward someone--even when it's not how you actually feel--in order to appease someone
• Holding back feelings or opinions on a regular basis in order not to make others feel uncomfortable
• Changing your response or opinions to comply or be in synch with others
• Going out of your way to people-please to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Assuming responsibility for others' discomfort when it's not your fault
• Flying under the radar (making yourself small) to avoid getting attention
• Experiencing chronic pain or illness due to the stress of the trauma response
• Spacing out or dissociating when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation

Clinical Vignette: Fawning as a Trauma Response

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, provides an example of fawning as a trauma response and how EMDR therapy helped:

Jane

After her closest friend, Dee, confronted Jane about her fawning behavior, Jane sought help in therapy to work on this issue.

Jane, who was in her early 30s, told her therapist that Dee expressed concern about Jane's people pleasing behavior.  Dee said she sensed that Jane tended to have problems being assertive and setting boundaries in her personal life as well at work.  

She also pointed out to Jane that she had a tendency to put the needs of other people before her own which led to Jane sacrificing what she really wanted.  

In addition, Dee told Jane that she was often overly complimentary towards people they both knew and Dee was aware that Jane really didn't feel this way.  Dee indicated that Jane was gushing in an overly complimentary way, which came across as disingenuous and confused and annoyed people.

Jane told her therapist that it was hurtful to hear Dee say these things, but when she thought about it, she realized Dee was right.  But she didn't know why she responded to people with fawning behavior or how to stop it.

When Jane spoke to her therapist about her family history, she described her father as being overly critical with an explosive temper and her mother as being overly compliant with the father's wishes.  

Her only sibling, who was an older sister, moved out as soon as she turned 18 because she had a conflictual relationship with their father and she was frustrated with her mother's passive, compliant behavior.

Although her father had never become physically violent, Jane was afraid of his explosive temper and, similar to her mother, she learned to go along with whatever her father wanted rather than assert her needs--even when she was old enough to make her own decisions.

Jane also realized that her people pleasing behavior extended to other family members as well as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.

As she continued to discuss this issue in her therapy sessions, Jane realized that, not only was her fawning annoying people, it also had consequences for her because she often felt disconnected from her emotions during those times.

Her therapist provided Jane with psychoeducation as to how fawning was related to unresolved trauma.  

In addition, the more they talked about it, the clearer it became to Jane that her childhood fear of her father's explosive temper was an unresolved trauma for her.

After Jane's therapist provided Jane with information about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy and how it helped clients to overcome trauma, they agreed to use EMDR as the treatment modality (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As Jane processed her traumatic memories about her father's temper and how her fawning behavior developed as a response to that trauma, she felt an emotional and psychological shift occurring within her over time.

The therapeutic work was neither quick nor easy, but Jane gradually felt she was freed from her history of trauma and her defensive need to fawn over others.  This allowed Jane to assert of her own needs and to be more authentic in her relationships.

Conclusion

The fawn response is a common response to trauma.  

Most of the time, fawning, which is used to avoid or diffuse potential confrontations, is an unconscious behavior, and when clients work on this issue in therapy, they become more aware of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

This behavior is often misunderstood by others.  They might sense that something is "off" or disingenuous, but they might not understand why.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, allows clients to work through the underlying issues related to the trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on your self esteem and your relationships.

Seeking help with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome trauma can help free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why It's Unethical and Irresponsible For Psychotherapists to Give Clinical Advice in Informal Settings

Most psychotherapists have had the experience of being in an informal setting, like at a party or at the gym, where people ask for clinical advice about a problem they're dealing with at the time.

It's Unethical and Irresponsible to Give Clinical Advice in Informal Settings

In these situations, the person usually provides a snippet of information to the therapist and hopes to get an answer to their problem.  

Most of the time, the people who are seeking clinical advice in this way see it as being innocuous. But there are important ethical and clinical implications involved if a psychotherapist gives advice under these circumstances.

So, for instance, if someone at the gym finds out that another gym member is a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist, he might say something like, "Say, I hear you're a mental health professional.  Can you tell me what I should do about my teenage son who is doing poorly in school?"  

Aside from the fact that the gym member seeking help is giving very little information and the therapist hasn't met the teen who is having the problem, if the therapist gives clinical advice, like, "Your son might be anxious" and the gym member relies on this information, things could go terribly wrong if the teen is actually depressed or misusing alcohol or drugs, and the therapist can be held responsible.

In order for a therapist to diagnose a problem, there needs to be a thorough biopsychosocial assessment and it usually takes at least several sessions to get a complete picture in a clinical setting.

So when someone briefly mentions a problem to a therapist outside of a clinical setting, it's obvious there isn't going to be a thorough assessment and there can be many possibilities as to what the problem might be.  

Here's another example: A gym member approaches another member, who happens to be a psychotherapist, and says they're having headaches. They ask the therapist if the problem might be related to stress.  The appropriate response from the therapist would be to seek help from their medical doctor first to rule out any medical problems.  

An inappropriate response would be, "It sounds like stress to me. Have you tried meditation?"

Imagine if the gym member who has headaches follows this therapist's advice, but later on finds out that the headaches were actually the result of a brain tumor.  It's clear in this case that the therapist was ethically and clinically irresponsible to have made assumptions about the problem and to have given what turned out to be inappropriate advice.

Not only could there be disastrous results for the person with the headaches, but the psychotherapist could be placing their license in jeopardy.

Most lay people understand this, especially if the therapist explains why they can't speculate on the problem or give advice.  But, at times, there are some people who don't understand.  They misunderstand and think the therapist is being evasive or withholding information.  

So, if you ever ask a psychotherapist for informal advice and the therapist's response is for you to seek help from a licensed mental health professional in a clinical setting, the therapist is not trying to get rid of you.  They're being responsible and giving you the best advice under the circumstances, which is to have your problem thoroughly evaluated by a mental health professional who is licensed and who has the skills and expertise relevant to your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Often, the most challenging part of seeking help in therapy is taking the first step by contacting a licensed psychotherapist.

In New York City there are many ways to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  

If you have health insurance, you can contact your insurance carrier for a list of names of licensed professionals in your area.  

If you don't have health insurance, you can seek help from one of the many postgraduate mental health training institutes in New York City that offer the possibility of low-fee therapy depending upon your income.

There are also psychotherapy directories, like PsychologyToday.com, which have therapists listed by name, licensure, location and expertise.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article: Why Your Psychotherapist Can't Be Your Friend.

How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help

In my prior article, Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are, I began a discussion about changing your negative personal narrative (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change the Way Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

In that article, I gave a brief description of how early experiences can affect your personal narrative and some self help tips on what you can do to become aware and challenge the stories you are telling yourself.  

Negative Personal Narratives Can Develop From Unresolved Trauma

In the current article, I'm delving deeper into the impact of unresolved trauma, which I mentioned towards the end of first article, and how trauma therapy can help (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Clinical Vignette: A Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Helped

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how trauma therapy can help clients to change their personal narrative from negative to positive:

Joe

When Joe, who was his early 40s, sought help in trauma therapy, he told his therapist he wanted to learn to accept he wasn't going to be in a relationship because he was unlovable and women weren't interested in him.

At that point, he believed he had to reconcile himself to a destiny of being alone, which was overwhelming for him.  But he believed that if he didn't accept what he perceived as the hopelessness of his situation, he would feel chronically dissatisfied for the rest of his life.  

Although he wanted more than anything to have a romantic partner, he told his therapist he believed it would be better to accept being alone and focus on other areas of his life.  

According to Joe, he tried working on making changes in his prior therapies so that he could get into a relationship, but no matter how much he tried, nothing worked.  As a result, he believed he had to accept that women found him fundamentally flawed and he was destined to be alone.

He believed if he learned to accept the inevitability of his being single for the rest of his life, he would be much better off than pining for something that wasn't possible.  He was adamant that he felt he wasted too much time in prior therapies trying to change himself to no avail.

As his therapist got to know Joe, she could see no objective reason why he wasn't in a relationship, which he said he really wanted.  From her perspective, she saw an intelligent, kind, handsome man who was repeatedly telling himself that he wasn't lovable or good enough to be with anyone.

Although she was aware that Joe's personal narrative was distorted, she also knew that it would be pointless to tell him this so early in his therapy because it would only increase his resistance to it.  She knew it would be much more helpful for Joe to discover this for himself through their work together.

His family background included a highly critical mother and a father who was more of an absence than a presence because he spent most of his time at work.  Even when he was at home, Joe's father, who was emotionally distant, did nothing to mitigate the damage of the mother's relentless criticism of Joe and Joe's much older siblings.

When his older siblings were old enough to leave the house, they moved out on their own to get away from their parental home--leaving Joe to endure his mother's criticism and chronic dissatisfaction with Joe, his father and her own life.  

As a result, Joe was a shy, self conscious child who mostly played by himself at home. His  mother didn't want his friends to come to their house because she feared they would upset the house.  Nor did she allow Joe to visit his friends or to play outside in the park or at the school playground.

Although Joe's teachers attempted to talk to his mother about his social isolation and the need to socialize with other children, their words fell on deaf ears.  His mother believed that Joe just needed to behave himself and do his chores, and she didn't see any value in his making friends.

Consequently, as a child, Joe didn't learn to socialize with boys and girls, and he didn't develop the necessary social skills to form friendships or relationships.  Combined with his mother's criticism that he would never amount to anything, Joe's lack of social engagement had a devastating impact on him.

By the time he was in high school, Joe carried so much shame that he shied away from girls who showed an interest in him because he knew his mother was old fashioned and wouldn't approve.  And the only friendships he made while he was at an out of state college were his dorm mates, who made an extra effort to get to know him.

If he met a young woman he was attracted to who was outgoing and who asked him out, Joe would go, but he was lacking self confidence even with women who were obviously very interested in him.

After college and law school, Joe began a lucrative career as a corporate attorney and got his own apartment in Manhattan where he tended to isolate even though he wanted to have friends and date women.

By the time he was in his late 20s, Joe began therapy to deal with his social isolation and loneliness.  But, as previously mentioned, despite having tried many different therapy modalities, Joe had no success in therapy and he remained alone.

His current therapist told Joe about EMDR therapy to resolve childhood trauma, which he was able to acknowledge.  

As long as his therapist didn't relate his childhood trauma to his current circumstances, Joe was willing to work through his crippling self esteem issues stemming from a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

Part of the EMDR therapy protocol is asking the client for the negative belief they have about themselves as it relates to their traumatic memories.  

In Joe's case, his negative belief was "I'm unlovable and I'm not good enough" (see my articles:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Are Your Core Negative Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Over time, as often occurs in EMDR therapy, Joe began to make emotional connections between his traumatic childhood experiences and his current life circumstances on his own (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

In the past, he resisted making these connections whenever his prior therapists mentioned them, so he was surprised he was making them on his own and how intuitively these connections resonated with him despite his long history of resisting them.

As he became more open to the trauma therapy process, Joe gradually allowed himself to grieve his childhood losses and he felt a weight had been lifted from him.  

As he worked through his traumatic history, Joe began to feel more optimistic about the possibility of a relationship in his future.  As a result, even though he didn't have a lot of dating experience, he was more open to dating.  

At first, whenever a woman he was dating rejected him, Joe reverted to his negative narrative about himself: "I'm unlovable" and "No one will want me."  

But, over time, Joe learned that, just like anyone else, there would be some people who would be interested in him and some who weren't.  

Working in therapy on these issues, Joe learned not to personalize these rejections (see my article: It's Not Always You - How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating).

How Trauma Therapy Helps to Develop a Positive Personal Narrative

As he continued to work through his issues in therapy and open himself to dating women, Joe's personal narrative about himself changed.  Rather than seeing himself as unlovable and not good enough, he developed a positive personal narrative where he believed he deserved love and a happier life.

Over time, Joe developed genuine self confidence and he began a relationship with a woman he met through a colleague.

Conclusion

Personal narratives are based on your history.  

If you were fortunate enough to have had a good enough childhood where you felt loved and encouraged in your life, all other things being equal, you probably will have a positive personal narrative.

On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where you were ridiculed and you internalized a negative perspective about yourself, your personal narrative will probably be negative.  Like most things, there are exceptions.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, helps you overcome the traumatic memories that can have a lasting impact on you in adulthood if they are untreated in trauma therapy.  

Once you have worked through these issues, you can live your life without the impact of early trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are impacted by unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist, who can help you overcome your traumatic history.

Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live free from your history and change the negative stories you tell yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.