Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Managing our emotions during stressful times can be challenging.  There are many situations where managing emotions can be challenging:

Family Stressors Can Challenge Our Ability to Manage Our Emotions
Family-related stress can also challenge our ability to contain our emotions.  For instance, a friend, Lisa (not her real name) was recently telling me how she was dreading an upcoming visit from her mother-in-law.  According to Lisa, her mother-in-law is constantly giving unsolicited advice to Lisa on just about everything--cooking, childrearing, bargain hunting, you name it.

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Situations

Lisa is afraid she won't be able to manage her anger about what she feels is subtle criticism from her mother-in-law.  It doesn't matter what topic they're discussing, according to Lisa, her mother-in-law is a self-proclaimed expert.  Lisa says she has tried in subtle and tactful ways to tell her mother-in-law that they each seem to have their own ways of doing things.  But Lisa says her mother-in-law still insists that she knows the "right way" and she doesn't let up.  Lisa says that whenever this happens, her husband suddenly has "selective hearing" and tunes his mother out, leaving Lisa to deal with her on her own.

Learning to Contain and Manage Our Emotions is a Skill
Learning to contain and manage our emotions is a skill.  We learn this skill over time from the time we're children.  Infants want what they want and they want it now.  They haven't developed the skills to manage their emotions.

Under favorable circumstances, parents are attuned to their child and respond in optimal ways so that the child gets what s/he needs and learns, over time, that they're not always going to get what they want, like a new toy or being allowed to stay up late on a school night.  Children often test the limits with their parents and parents need to learn to set limits in a reasonable way.  Over time, under optimal circumstances, children learn how to tolerate reasonable amounts of frustration, so that when they're adults, they're not reacting emotionally whenever they get upset.

In successful therapy, psychotherapy clients learn to develop a greater capacity for emotional containment so that they can manage their emotions with a degree of self control.  Containment is different from stifling our feelings.  When you stifle your feelings, you're suppressing your emotions.  Rather than acknowledging and containing your emotions, you're pushing them down.  If this is your usual pattern, you risk developing a psychophysiological disorder (e.g., migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, body aches, etc) because the emotions remain stored in the body and can create physical problems.

When you contain your emotions, you're not disavowing them.  On the contrary, your acknowledging and observing your emotions in a mindful way, but you're able to manage them.  Hopefully, if you frequently find yourself in situations where you have to contain your emotions (like, dealing with a difficult boss), you have other outlets, whether this is going to the gym, doing yoga, journaling, or talking to supportive friends.

But none of us are perfect, and even the most tolerant, emotionally mature and flexible person can lose it during stressful times.  If this isn't a usual pattern, all we can do during those rare occasions is forgive ourselves and make amends with whoever was affected by our inability to manage our emotions.  Needless to say, I'm not talking about extreme behaviors like physical violence.

There was a time when people were encouraged to express their anger and other unpleasant feelings as a form of catharsis.  Now we know that allowing ourselves to yell, scream and carry on, as a way to let go of our negative emotions, is actually unhealthy.  It might feel good at the moment (for you, but not for those around you), but it does nothing in terms of teaching you how to manage your emotions and develop emotional maturity.  On the contrary, it's more like allowing yourself to have a temper tantrum similar to a two year old.

Stressful times, whether it's the stress of the holidays or the stress of difficult in-laws, tests our ability to   be emotionally mature in terms of how we handle ourselves.  Rather than letting lose with a temper tantrum, it's much more healthy for you and those around you to take a deep breath, go for a walk, tell yourself "this too shall pass" or whatever works to help you manage and contain difficult emotions.

In the long run, you build greater resilience if you learn to develop the important skill of emotional containment.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Exeriencng therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Making Changes Within Yourself to Create the Life You Want

One of the most challenging and eye-opening things to discover in therapy is that you need to make changes within yourself if you want to create the life you want.  

Making Changes Within Yourself to Create the Life You Want

By this, I mean that there are times when you discover that your unhappiness isn't so much about the external circumstances in your life, but more about what's going on with your internally, your relationship with yourself and how you interact in the world.  

Why People Begin Psychotherapy

People come to therapy for various reasons.  Some people start therapy because they're struggling with a particularly difficult event in their lives, like a divorce, a death in the family or some other kind of loss.

When the reason for begining psychotherapy is a one-time event (even if it's a traumatic event) in an otherwise happy and stable life, working through this issue is less challenging than someone who experiences a similar event in a life that has been a struggle all along.  When there is a secure foundation of stability and happiness, it's easier to bounce back from life's challenges.  

Many people don't come to therapy because they want to gain a better understanding of themselves.  At least, it doesn't start out that way.  They start therapy focusing on external circumstances that are making them unhappy, which are usually legitimate concerns.  But when, for example, there's a lifelong pattern of particular problems, people often discover that they're having these problems because they need to make changes within themselves and how they interact with others.  

Discovering that You're the One Who Needs to Change Isn't Easy

Discovering that you need to make changes within yourself isn't always such a welcomed discovery.  It can be hard work.  It's easier to focus on the external than the internal.

Making Changes Within Yourself to Create the Life You Want: Discovering You're the One Who Needs to Change

It's easier to focus on:  "How can I fix my boyfriend who's an alcoholic" rather than looking at a lifelong pattern of choosing boyfriends who have alcohol problems.  It requires an internal perspective and a willingness to make changes in yourself.

The following scenario is an example, which is a composite with all identifying information changed:

Alice:

When Alice began therapy, she was very unhappy because she wasn't in a relationship.  She had a long history of choosing men who were emotionally abusive towards her.  After going through several of these breakups, she felt doomed to either be alone or with men who would mistreat her.  She felt helpless and hopeless about these choices.

In general, Alice had a very low opinion of men.  She thought that they were either "weak and passive" or "self centered and mean."  She said these were the only kinds of men that she met and she felt she had a lot of evidence of this both within her adult life and in her family.  She saw no evidence of there being the kind of man that she said she would like to meet--someone who would be kind, caring and respectful.  As far as she was concerned, men like this didn't exist.

Since she saw no other alternatives, she felt very conflicted about being in a relationship.  On the one hand, she didn't want to be with a "weak" or "mean" man.  But, on the other hand, she didn't want to be alone.  She felt it was an unresolvable dilemma.  Even though she wasn't hopeful that therapy would help her, she felt deeply unhappy and didn't know what else to do.

When I asked Alice how she went about meeting men, she told me that she and her friends went to bars, even though they didn't like bars.  None of them liked the idea of online dating so, with a feeling of heavy resignation, they kept going back to the bars.  They all seemed to have low opinions of men, and before they went they would complain to each other about men.  

Not surprisingly, by the time they got to the bar, they were feeling miserable because they were prepared for the worst and this is often what they found.  

Listening to her talk about how she interacted with the men in the bar, I could see that Alice often turned away men who might have been the kind of men that she wanted to meet.  But she never found out because she would see any kind gesture from these men as being "weak" and she would ignore them or send them packing.  She was more attracted to the handsome "bad boy" sitting in the corner drinking by himself.  There was something exciting about this type of man to Alice.  

Inevitably, these men often had serious drinking and emotional problems.  But, at the initial stage of being in therapy, Alice couldn't see that she was choosing the wrong men over and over again.  She felt very defensive about exploring this at first.  She felt like she was being blamed for her "bad luck" with men.  But she stuck it out in therapy and, over time, she began to understand that she wasn't just a victim of bad luck--she was actively participating in creating what she said she didn't want.

It took courage and a willingness to be open to change for Alice to change her attitudes and her actions. Over time, Alice developed a better perspective about how she was contributing to her unhappiness.  She stopped trying to meet men in bars and began attending other singles events that didn't involve alcohol.

She also began to play with the idea that the type of man she was looking for just might be out there, so she didn't go to these events feeling defeated before she met men.  She also became more open to changing her perspective about how she characterized kindness as "weakness" and allowed herself to get to know some of these men without dismissing them immediately.

Over time, she also realized that her family background played a major role in her feelings about men.  She realized that she was recreating her parents' relationship in her own romantic relationships, and she didn't want to do that any more.  In addition, she was able to see beyond the alluring facade of the handsome "bad boy," let go of her illusions about these men, and they actually became unattractive to her.   

She also realized that part of her hadn't felt deserving of being treated well, and this unconscious feeling of low self worth contributed to her problems.  She worked through her feelings of low self worth and, eventually, she felt deserving of an emotionally rewarding relationship with someone who would treat her well.  By being willing to make both the internal and external changes, she eventually met and married a man that she's happy with.

Making Changes Within Yourself Can Lead to a More Fulfilling Life: Getting Help in Therapy

Making changes within yourself, rather than being exclusively focused on external changes, isn't easy.

Most people don't like giving up attitudes and perspectives they've held for a long time.  It's a challenge to your sense of self and how you see the world.

Making Changes in Yourself Can Lead to a More Fulfilling Life:  Getting Help in Therapy

It takes courage and a trusting relationship with your therapist to be willing to transform yourself.  But the willingness and courage to make personal transformations can lead to a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued

Who hasn't gone through a life crisis, at one time or another, and fantasized that someone would come along and rescue them from all their problems?  This person would know just what to say and do to make things right again.  Indulging in this kind of fantasy, knowing that it's really a fantasy and that, as adults, we're ultimately responsible for ourselves, isn't unusual. It's a little like wishing that we'd win the lottery.  We might have the wish, but then we come back down to earth and deal with the reality of our situation.

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued

It's one thing to have an occasional fantasy about being rescued and it's another thing to live your life waiting for someone to come along, the proverbial "knight in shining armor," to sweep you off your feet and take you to his castle.

Often, not surprisingly, people who have rescue fantasies weren't nurtured as children, and the inner child in them is still hoping that someone will come along to fulfill that unmet need.  This isn't always apparent to the person with this fantasy or the people who are close to him or her (there are men who also have rescue fantasies).

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued 

Making matters worse, there are people who have fantasies about rescuing people who find people who want to be rescued and form an unhealthy, codependent relationship.  If they remain in the rescuer-rescuee dynamic, they don't grow as individuals or as a couple.  They remain stunted in their rigid roles.  This is very different from two mature adults who come to a relationship as whole individuals and who rely on each other in a healthy way for emotional support.

Inner child work with a skilled, licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the fantasy of being rescued.  Rather than making a maladaptive effort to heal by pinning all your hopes on someone else, it's much more empowering to develop your own internal resources to heal your inner child.

Clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are safe and effective forms of therapy to heal the inner child. A skilled clinician can guide you through the inner child work process so that you mourn what you didn't get and, more importantly, your adult self learns to take care of your inner child, and the different parts of yourself are more integrated.

As an integrated individual, you will attract healthier people and you'll be much more likely to have a happier and healthier relationship than if you remained stuck in the fantasy that someone will come along to rescue you.  But even if you're not in a relationship, you'll still feel like an emotionally healthy, whole person.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Practicing Tolerance and Compassion in Your Relationship

Long term relationships can be challenging to maintain.  They require work and a lot of patience, tolerance and compassion.  Two of the biggest destroyers of relationships is excessive criticism and intolerance.  All long term relationships go through tough times and many survive those tough times and flourish.  Both people are often able to grow from these experiences, as individuals as well as couples.  But when the problems aren't part of an isolated difficult time and criticism and belittling have become a way of life in the relationship, over time, many couples breakup because the relationship can't withstand this.

Criticism and Contempt Ruin Relationships

In the worst cases, one or both people in the relationship feel and express contempt for each other.Expressing contempt doesn't necessarily mean that they're telling each other, "I hate you" (although this might be part of it).  Contempt can be expressed in many different ways, including contemptuous looks, back handed comments, and other indirect ways of communicating contempt.  In my opinion, it's the most damaging interaction a couple can engage in.  It erodes the other person's self esteem as well as the integrity of the relationship.

When I was in graduate school, I remember meeting a fellow student's husband after class.  I was appreciative of their offer to drive me home--until I heard my fellow student's husband call her "stupid" several times during the short ride.  Not only did he call her "stupid," but he said it with such contempt, as if she was the stupidest person that he ever met.  She pretended to laugh it off, but I could tell that it bothered her, as it would bother anyone.  Sitting in the back seat, I felt so uncomfortable being around them.  After that, I continued to associate with her, but I tried to avoid being around them as a couple.  Several years later, I was not surprised to hear that they got a divorce.  

Compassion and tolerance in a relationship can be very helpful in preserving a relationship.  Needless to say, I'm not talking about being tolerant of abuse, whether it's physical or verbal.  Rather, I'm referring to the common things that tend to annoy people.  No matter how charming we might find our partners or spouses at the beginning of the relationship, sooner or later we discover that they have annoying ways that irritate us, and vice versa.  Sometimes, the very things that we find charming in the beginning end up being the things that get under our skin later on.  

Rather than overreacting to what annoys you, it's much more helpful to have a larger perspective about the relationship.  If you want your relationship to grow and flourish, treat each other with lrespect, tolerance and compassion.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Shame in Psychotherapy

Shame is an emotional that seems to be experienced by people regardless of their culture and origin.  We can begin to feel shame even as an infant, even before we have an understanding of what we're feeling ashamed about.

Healing Shame in Psychotherapy

Shame can cause us to withdraw into ourselves, fearing that others will see our shame and judge us.  If we withdraw into our shame, we feel even more isolated and the emotional pain of the shame often increases, sometimes to the point of feeling unbearable.  

Experiencing shame as an adult can trigger earlier memories of feeling ashamed, so that we're not only dealing with the current issues that cause us to feel ashamed but also the earlier incidents.  

We can feel shame even when we know, logically, that we have nothing to feel ashamed about.  In many instances, telling ourselves that we have no reason to feel ashamed or hearing someone else tell us does little or nothing to take away the shame.  It's as if there's a disconnect between what we know rationally and what we feel on an emotional level.

If we feel safe enough to talk to people that we trust, whether it's a close friend, family member or a therapist, about our shame, we soon realize that we're not alone in experiencing these feelings.  Talking about feeling ashamed often reduces or helps to alleviate the shame.

Shame and guilt often go together.  These two emotions are often confused with each other or used interchangeably.  But shame is an emotion that we feel about ourselves, whereas guilt is usually about something we did or didn't do in relation to someone else.  For instance, if you promise to do  something for a friend and you don't do it, you might feel ashamed of yourself and guilty about not following through with your friend.

Many people feel ashamed even when someone compliments them.  Often, this is because they feel they don't deserve the compliment or they're not "good enough."  

A pervasive feeling of shame often begins early in life, especially if there was emotional or physical neglect or abuse.  Children usually feel responsible for abuse and, as adults, they often carry these feelings with them, even after they know, on a rational level, that they're not responsible for the abuse.  

Getting Help in Therapy

The good news is that it's possible to work through issues about shame.  Clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are all effective, in used by a skilled mental health professional, in helping clients to overcome shame so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

When you're no longer burdened by shame, you have an opportunity to live with a sense of inner peace and in a more open and harmonious way with your loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients overcome shame and guilt.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Intergenerational Trauma: Recurring Nightmares

For many years, a friend of mine, Ann (not her real name), was having a recurring nightmare, which was very close to a dream she heard about from her mother when Ann was about four years old.   In her mother's nightmare, her mother couldn't find Ann, who was an infant in the dream.  She was panic stricken, in the dream, and she looked all over for Ann, but couldn't find her.  Finally, a man came along and took her to a place where there were lots of babies.  She looked at all the babies, hoping to find Ann, but all the babies looked alike and she still couldn't find Ann.

Transgenerational Trauma: Recurring Nightmares

Clearly, this was a recurring anxiety dream that stemmed from Ann's mother's long history of emotional trauma.  Hearing her mother's dream at such a young age stirred up a lot of anxiety for Ann that she was unable to contain because she was too young to handle it.  Her mother, who was a loving mother in many ways, didn't realize that she was overwhelming Ann by telling her about these recurring dreams, which she had at least a few time a month.

You can imagine how frightening it must have been for a child of four to hear that her mother kept losing her in her dreams.  Children of that age are completely dependent upon their parents and couldn't survive without them.  Trying to contain this type of anxiety at such a young age is beyond a child's capacities.

Soon after hearing about her mother's recurring nightmare, Ann began having a similar dream that involved losing her cat in the same way that her mother lost her in her mother's recurring dreams.  This dream about losing her cat and trying to find her cat among many cats that looked like hers went on until Ann was in her mid-30s.  She recognized that her recurring dream was related to her mother's anxiety dreams, but she didn't know what to do about it until she got help in therapy, at which time the nightmares stopped.

I'm using Ann's experience (with her permission) to illustrate that this is a common phenomenon with children who grow up trying to contain overwhelming amounts of anxiety that one or both parents are unable to contain themselves.  These recurring nightmares, which bear a remarkable resemble to a parent's dream, can go on for many years.  As an adult, an individual has a greater capacity to handle these anxiety dreams.  But they're still disturbing and carry the trauma that the parent was unable to carry.

Transgenerational Trauma
We know a lot more now about intergenerational trauma than we did when Ann was growing up.  We now know that emotional trauma can be passed on through many generations, even if the family members, who were originally affected by the trauma, never speak about it.  The children of many children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors are examples of this type of intergenerational trauma being passed on.

Dreams reveal what is going on for a person on an unconscious level, and even though Ann appeared to be a healthy, stable child, her dreams revealed that she was carrying a great deal of anxiety related to her mother's trauma.  Fortunately, she was able to get the help she needed from a psychotherapist who specialized in doing trauma work, and she was able to overcome the vicarious trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you've been traumatized by intergenerational trauma, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed trauma therapist.

It is possible to overcome intergenerational trauma with the right help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or send me an email me.

Also see my article:  Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma

Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious

Often, when clients begin psychotherapy, they discover that there are many aspects of themselves that they are unaware of, especially if they've never been in therapy before.  One of the main goals of psychotherapy is for the unconscious to become conscious for these clients.

Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious 

"Making the unconscious conscious" is a common phrase in psychotherapy, but what does it mean?

A couple of examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, might help to shed some light:

John:
When John began psychotherapy for the first time, when he was in his late 30s, he was adamant that he never got angry towards anyone or anything.  His attitude was that it didn't make sense to get angry, so he never felt this.  He came to therapy because he was having panic attacks.  One of the first things that his therapist observed about John was that he was very tense.  He had deep frown marks between his eyes, and the muscles in his face and throughout his body were tight.  He had frequent gastrointestinal problems, asthma, insomnia, and joint pain, none of which his specialists were able to regulate with medication.  Even though John said he never got angry, he looked angry most of the time. And, it was apparent to his therapist (and most people who knew him) that he had been angry for many years, but he wasn't aware of it.  He was defended against it, on an unconscious level, because he felt it was "bad" to be angry.  Over time, as John developed trust in his therapist, he became more open to exploring his anger.  As he worked through his anger, most of his physical symptoms, which were psychophysiological in origin, disappeared.  It was apparent that, because his anger was so unconscious, he carried it in his body--until the unconscious (in this case, his anger) became conscious.

Mary:
Mary's parents were emotionally neglectful when she was growing up.  They provided her with a home, food clothing and basic necessities, but they were emotionallly unavailable to her.  She began therapy in her early 40s, because she was feeling depressed.  Her initial attitude in therapy, which was unconscious, was that, "My therapist should make me better."  She had no awareness that her attitude stemmed from a childhood of emotional neglect and the "inner child" part of her wanted the therapist to be a mother to her.  When this didn't occur, Mary became enraged.  She almost left therapy several times because she couldn't tolerate that her therapist couldn't make her better.  She refused to do any of the work and she all but stamped her foot to demand that her therapist do the therapy work for her.   Fortunately, even though it was difficult for her, she was able to tolerate being in therapy long enough to discover her unconscious wish to have the therapist mother her as if she were a baby.  After doing "inner child" work with her therapist, with assistance from her therapist, she learned to nurture her "inner child" and her  attitude changed to one of a mature woman.  If she had not stuck it out in therapy, the unconscious would not have become conscious for her, and she probably wouldn't have changed.

Making the unconscious conscious is one aspect of therapy, but it's an important one.  It's not always easy to face, but change is often not easy.  Until we're willing to discover and explore our unconscious attitudes, meaningful transformation remains elusive.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Self Soothing Techniques to Cope With Stress

As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, usually when clients begin psychotherapy with me, I like to know what emotional resources they already have before we begin trauma work.  I also like to know how resilient they are already or if they need help to develop resilience.  

Self Soothing Techniques to Cope With Stress 

If they have little in the way of internal and external resources, I usually teach them ways to take care of themselves between sessions, including meditation, certain self help EMDR therapy techniques, and using pleasant memories and images of relaxing places to help them relieve unpleasant emotional and physical activation between sessions.

I'm also continually amazed at what clients already know on an intuitive level with regard to self care. They might not even realize that what they're doing is calming themselves because they do it so  automatically with little or no awareness.

For instance, some clients know instinctively to put their hands over their hearts or their stomachs as a way to sooth themselves.  

When they're doing this, they often don't realize that they've touched themselves to soothe themselves.  

But, sitting across from them, I can see that, after they've made this gesture, their faces look calmer, their breathing is easier, there's more color in their faces, and they appear more present in the room.

When I point this out to clients and ask them to verbalize how they experience these gestures, they usually say that they're surprised that they're feeling better.  

Often, these gestures seem so basic, but they can be powerful in terms of transforming how they feel physically and emotionally.  

By verbalizing the experience, clients learn what's useful and it can become an emotional resource that they can use in the future.  Also, the act of verbalizing it helps the client to integrate the experience on both a physical and emotional level.

Other simple movements that can be soothing emotionally and physically include:  moving your neck (looking from side to side to help alleviate muscle tension in the neck and a feeling of emotional constriction); pressing your feet on the floor to feel more grounded; feeling the back of the chair against your back and how supportive this feels; and feeling how the weight of your body is supported by the chair you're sitting in.

Dance therapists know that movement can be very healing.  In order to use movement as a self soothing technique, you don't have to be a dancer or go to a dance therapist.  Very simple movements can shift how you feel.  

For instance, if you're feeling emotionally and physically constricted in your chest, you might try slowly and gently moving your arms out to your side and then raising your arms up along the sides of your ears (keeping your shoulders down).  

If you've ever done the Sun Salutation in yoga, you'll recognize this simple movement.  Most people find that moving your arms in this way helps to open up their chest, giving some relief on both a physical and emotional level.

Likewise, loosening up the joints, where a lot of tension is often stored, can help to release the tension.  Both yoga instructors and Reiki practitioners know we often hold a lot of emotion in our joints and simple, very gentle movements can be so beneficial.

The simple act of exhaling can also release stress and agitation.  Most of us will let out large sighs, sometimes without even realizing it, when we're experiencing stress or agitation.  The exhalation is a form of emotional and physical discharge.

In a prior blog post, I discussed Square Breathing as another form of self soothing that people can use when they're anxious or having a panic attack (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

We all need supportive people in our lives for our well-being, especially during distressing times.  

But knowing that there are self soothing techniques that we can use when other people might not be around is, in itself, empowering because we know that we can take care of ourselves. 

And self care is an important part of maintaining our well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing

It often comes as a surprise to psychotherapy clients that setbacks are a normal part of any effort to change, including efforts to change in psychotherapy treatment.  Progress is almost never linear.  Along the way, there may be some detours and setbacks.  The challenge for most clients in psychotherapy is to stick with therapy when there are setbacks rather than giving up.

Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing

For many people, the inclination is to leave or to feel that therapy isn't working.  But if you know ahead of time that there will be certain setbacks along the path, you're more inclined to see these setbacks as temporary obstacles rather than getting frustrated and giving up.

People who have been involved in recovery programs for a while are more inclined to take setbacks in stride.  For instance, most people who are involved in 12 Step programs know that "relapse is part of recovery."  This doesn't mean that relapse is encouraged.  Rather, it recognizes, as human beings, we need to have compassion for ourselves and recognize that we'll make mistakes along the way.

The issue isn't about making mistakes or about temporary setbacks.  The real issue is about what you do when you have a setback:  Do you give up?  Do you become so frustrated with yourself that you feel you've failed?  Do you demand perfection of yourself (and possibly others)?  

A better approach for success in the long run is to learn from your mistakes or setbacks and get back on the path to progress.  Often, we learn more from making mistakes, in the long run, than if we just have a completely smooth path.  

If you look back on your own life, you can probably identify times when you learned a lot from making a mistake.  At the time, it might have felt very uncomfortable.  But with the advantage of hindsight, you can probably see that you learned from your mistake or setback and, possibly, you changed for the better in ways that you might never have changed if you hadn't experienced the setback.

When you have strong feelings about setbacks in psychotherapy, rather than leaving treatment, it's much more beneficial to discuss your feelings with your therapist.  You might not only be frustrated with yourself, but you also might feel angry with your therapist.  This is also a normal part of psychotherapy and most skilled, experienced psychotherapists know that this is part of treatment for many clients.  

For many clients who leave treatment when they've had a setback, this is part of a larger pattern in their lives where they give up and abandon their efforts when they make mistakes or when there are problems.  If this is your pattern, you have an opportunity to change this pattern in therapy in a way that's usually not available to you outside of therapy.  

Often, if you can stick it out and learn to tolerate your discomfort about a temporary setback, you can change a lifelong pattern so that you become more self confident.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?

Couples who come for counseling often reveal that they were too afraid to talk to their spouses about things that were bothering them about the relationship.  It's not until they come for couples counseling that one or both of them reveal their fear of communicating what they perceive as upsetting discussions. Often, this takes the other spouse, who has not heard about it before, by surprise.

Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?

Imagine the following scenario, which is a fictionalized account where one spouse was too afraid to talk to her husband about what was bothering her about their marriage:

Mary and Scott:

Mary and Scott, who were in their early 30s, were married for two years when they came to couples counseling.  Within the first year of marriage, Scott felt that Mary was distancing herself emotionally from him and he couldn't understand why.  Whenever he asked her about it, she would tell him that there was nothing wrong, but Scott had a strong sense that Mary was bothered about something and she just wasn't telling him.  

By the second year or marriage, Mary and Scott were hardly having sex.   Mary almost never initiated sex any more, and when Scott tried to initiate sex, most of the time, Mary said she was too tired or she had various aches and pains.  

Scott continued to feel that Mary was avoiding talking about something.  He was feeling increasingly frustrated by Mary's emotional and physical distancing from him, so he told her he thought they should attend couples counseling.  He hoped that, whatever was bothering Mary, maybe a skilled couples counselor could help them to communicate better.

Mary, who was from a traditional family where family members didn't talk about their feelings, wasn't comfortable with going to see a stranger to talk about their relationship.  She continued to insist that she was fine, but she relented when Scott told her how unhappy he was in their marriage and he hoped to be  able to salvage it in couples counseling.

Scott was very open in couples counseling.  But Mary found the initial sessions to be anxiety provoking.  It took several sessions for Mary to reveal that she felt jealous of Scott's new business partner, Linda, a vivacious, intelligent woman.  

Mary trusted Scott and she knew he wasn't cheating on her, but she felt inadequate whenever she compared herself to Linda.  She imagined whole scenarios in her mind where Scott would find Linda more attractive and interesting than her.  She was afraid Scott would fall in love with Linda.  Mary revealed, the more she thought about it, the less attractive she felt.  And the less attractive she felt, the more she wanted to avoid having sex because she felt inadequate. She told Scott that she was too afraid to tell him about her fears because she felt ashamed about it.

Scott was completely dumbfounded when Mary revealed what was bothering her.  He had no interest in Linda, other than as a business partner, and he didn't even find Linda to be attractive.  But he was more concerned that Mary allowed these thoughts to build up in her imagination and she never revealed this to him before.  

Mary, who had little relationship experience before she met Scott, learned to overcome her own feelings of inadequacy over time in therapy.

Overcoming Your Fear to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You

She also gradually learned how to communicate with Scott about things that made her feel uncomfortable.  Soon after that, they rekindled their relationship and they began having sex again, where Mary sometimes initiated.

There can be many reasons why someone is too afraid to talk to a spouse or romatic partner about what's bothering him or her.  Men are just as likely to have this problem as women.  Sometimes, as in the scenario above, it's because they come from a family where people don't talk about their uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes, it's because they're not aware of what's bothering them or they minimize it. 

These kind of communication problems can erode a relationship over time, causing emotional and sexual distance.  

Getting Help in Couples Counseling

If you or your partner are having problems communicating about what's bothering either of you in  your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get professional help.  Many couples who come for couples counseling to deal with this issue have overcome this problem and have gone on to have satisfying relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Obsessive Jealousy: Are You Arguing with Your Spouse About His Sexual History Prior to Your Relationship With Him?

Are you and your spouse arguing about your sexual histories with other people that you knew before you met each other?  Unfortunately, arguments about spouses' sexual histories aren't unusual.  It often begins with one or both people in the relationship asking questions about the other's sexual history and, before you know it, one or both people get jealous or insecure and arguments ensue.

Arguing With Your Spouse About His Sexual History

While it's important to know whether your partner, soon-to-be spouse or spouse practiced safe sex before he or she met you, it's often a mistake to get into the details of who, want, where, and how often.

Talking about these kinds of details can degenerate into bitter arguments.  Once you've both determined that there have been no sexually transmitted diseases through testing, it's better to let the past be the past--no matter how tempting it might be to seek more information.

Clinical Vignette
The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how easily arguments can begin while talking about each other's sexual history with other people:

Dan and Betty:
After Dan and Betty were married for several months, Betty asked Dan about his sexual activities with other people.  She already knew about the two prior relationships before he met her.  They also each had tests for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) early on when they began dating to ensure that neither of them had STIs.

Dan was hesitant to talk to Betty about his sexual history, but she told him that she felt that they should be able to talk about anything and she urged him to tell her.  

After Dan revealed that he had slept around quite a bit in college and in his early to mid-20s, Betty became upset. And the more upset she became, the more she asked him, and his answers only made her more upset.

Even though Betty didn't know any of the women that Dan slept with and he wasn't in touch with any of them, she imagined that he enjoyed being with these women sexually more than he enjoyed being with her.  No matter how much he assured her that he loved her and he enjoyed their sex life together, Betty couldn't stop thinking about all the women that Dan slept with.

Over time, Betty's obsessive jealousy about Dan's former sexual partners began to get in the way of their lovemaking.  Whenever Dan touched her, Betty wondered if he touched the other women in the same way.  

When it got to the point where they couldn't enjoy each other sexually any more, both Dan and Betty agreed that they needed to see a couples counselor.

In couples counseling, Dan and Betty learned that they had to let the past be the past.   Betty realized that she needed to let go of her obsessive thoughts about Dan's prior sex life or she would ruin their relationship.  

She also realized that the problem was that she was feeling insecure about herself.  Since she trusted Dan and she wasn't concerned that he would cheat on her, she realized that she needed to work on her own self esteem rather than argue with Dan about his past.

Once they stopped arguing about the past, they were able to rekindle their relationship.

Many couples feel that they must "tell all" about their prior sexual experiences, but unless you know for sure that you can handle this, it's best not to delve too deeply into your prior histories.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are arguing abut your prior sexual histories, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who sees couples for couples counseling to help you salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life

People often come to therapy because they feel like they're just drifting through their lives, but they sense somewhere deep down that there's something more that they want, but they just haven't found it yet.  Some people describe this as finding their purpose in life.  To me, it means the same thing, but I like to think of it as finding your "calling" in life because I feel there's an inner voice in everyone that knows what this "calling" is, if we would just learn to listen.

Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life

What is a "Calling"?
Often, when people hear the words "finding your calling in life," they think of a religious "calling."  And while you might feel drawn to a religious calling, it can also be so many other things, and it doesn't necessarily have to be your job.  Your job might be working in an office, but your passion might be volunteering on the weekends to work with children.  Or, you might feel a passion to write poetry or play music.

Your Inner Voice Knows Intuitively What's Right For You
To hear and really listen to your inner voice, that voice that knows intuitively what's right for you, you need to get quiet and open yourself to your inner voice.  Many people discover their inner voice through meditation.  I've found meditation to be especially helpful to hearing my inner voice.  I've found my dreams to be even more helpful because the unconscious speaks to us in our sleep.  Over the years, since I began keeping a dream journal, I've noticed recurring dreams with certain themes that have given me new insights.  I've also discovered fascinating synchronicities between my dream life and my ordinary waking life.  Many people have told me that they've had similar experiences.

What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Voice
Sometimes, our inner voice is clear as to our "calling" in life, but we don't listen.  When I was a teenager, I developed an interest in psychoanalytic literature, especially books by Karen Horney, who was an influential neo-Freudian analyst who dared to challenge Freud.  I devoured her books, and early on, I wanted very much to become a psychoanalyst.  But, then, in my 20s, as I've mentioned in prior blog posts, I thought I should do something more "practical."  I left the Liberal Arts program and went to a business college.  Even though I disliked and felt very hemmed in by the courses, I pushed myself to continue there for a while because I thought this was the "practical" thing to do.

It took me a while to realize that I wasn't following my "calling" in life and I needed to get back to what I needed to do.  I mention this because, having gone through this experience myself, I have a lot of compassion for other people who struggle with finding their purpose or "calling" in life.  Also, having gone through my own experience, I know that it's also possible to transform your life by listening to your inner voice.

Eventually, I became a Masters level social worker and did my postgraduate psychoanalytic training.  A few years later, I discovered that, although I love psychoanalysis, I needed other tools to help psychotherapy clients because psychodynamic psychotherapy didn't help to heal all psychotherapy clients.

By listening to my inner voice, I trained in EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing as well as Embodied Imagination dream work, and discovered new ways of working with clients that brought about deeper healing experiences for them.

Listening to Your Inner Voice and Self Exploration Can Lead to a More Fulfilling Life
If you feel like you're drifting through life without having discovered your purpose or "calling" yet, you owe it to yourself to begin a self exploration that can lead to a more fulfilling life.  As I've mentioned, I believe this starts by listening to your inner voice.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?

I remember having a conversation with a friend, several years ago, who told me, "I have the worst luck when it comes to relationships with men."  

After a few tumultuous relationships, she started therapy to deal with the emotional aftermath of the last unhealthy relationship.  During the course of her self exploration, she discovered that luck had very little to do with her chaotic relationships with men.  Instead, she discovered that, on an unconscious level, she was choosing men who were emotionally abusive and very irresponsible.

There is Big Difference Between Having Bad Luck and Making Poor Choices
There is a world of difference between seeing yourself as the passive victim of bad luck and realizing that you're responsible for choosing the unhealthy relationship that you're in.  And, it was quite an eye opener for my friend.  

Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?

Once she accepted that this was her reality, she knew she needed to work in therapy to discover the underlying issues so she could stop making these unhealthy choices.  And it didn't take long to realize that she was replicating her parents' relationship in her own relationships--even though she swore from an early age that she never wanted to have a relationship like the one  her parents had.  This speaks to the power of the unconscious and how we often don't realize what forces are driving our choices.

Feeling Like You Deserve a Healthy Relationship
What was more challenging for my friend was to realize that, deep down, she didn't feel like she deserved to have a healthy relationship.  She understood on an intellectual level that she was "a good person" and, therefore, she deserved a healthy relationship.  But, on a deeper emotional level, she didn't feel it.  It took time and effort in psychotherapy for her to overcome these feelings so that, eventually, she did make healthier choices.

Whenever I hear a psychotherapy client (or anyone else) say they've always had "bad luck" in relationships, I think of my friend's story as well as so many other stories I've heard in my experience as a therapist.  No one likes to think that they're in their current unhealthy relationship due to a choice that they've made.  Of course, there is an element of luck in terms of the people you meet but, more often than not, when someone remains in a dysfunctional relationship, they're making an unconscious choice.

While some people are open to exploring that they're making a choice, other people totally resist it, no matter how compassionate and empathetic a therapist might be.  They feel blamed and criticized.  More importantly, they feel ashamed, and when there is a lot of underlying shame, a therapist must have the client's trust and she must proceed with as much tact as possible.  But the therapist can't avoid dealing with this situation altogether--otherwise, how would the client make progress?

If clients are able to overcome their shame enough to look at their choices, the next dilemma they face is what to do about it.  After all, once this unconscious choice is made conscious, if they remain in an emotionally unhealthy relationship, by virtue of being aware of it now, they're making a conscious choice.  There might be some back pedaling along the way.  But, if a client develops a healthier sense of self, he or she usually wants to be treated better and the current relationship is no longer satisfying.

Do You Have a Pattern of Being in Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships?
If you have a pattern of being in emotionally unhealthy relationships, you owe it to yourself to consider if it is really bad luck that you keep getting into these relationships or are you choosing, on a level that you might not be aware of, these unhealthy relationships.

This can be one of the hardest questions that you will ever ask yourself, but it can also be the start of turning your life around.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Guilt You Feel For Not Being Able to Heal Your Parent's Emotional Wounds

Many adults come to therapy because they have longstanding guilt, which started when they were children, for not being able to heal their parents' emotional wounds.  As children, they grew up too fast in an effort to become emotional parents to their parents, instead of their parents parenting them.

Feeling Guilty For Not Being Able to Heal Your Parents' Emotional Wounds

In situations where parents are unable to emotionally parent their children, because of their own emotional deficits, a very young child often steps into this role without even realizing it, at a great emotional cost to him or herself.

The following vignette, which is a fictionalized account of many composite cases, illustrates how a child steps into the role of being her mother's mother:

Sandy:
By the time Sandy was six years old, she spent almost every evening at the kitchen table listening to her mother tell stories about her difficult childhood--the poverty, the loneliness, and the violence in household.  As her mother's sad stories poured out, Sandy wanted, more than anything, to make her mother happy now.  She was anxiously consumed with what she could do to make her  depressed mother happy.  She took on the role of her depressed, single mother's confidant and nurturer.

Sandy's mother was often so overwhelmed by her depression and anxiety that she didn't pay attention to what was going on in Sandy's young life.  By the time she was 11, Sandy was coming home from school, cooking dinner and coaxing her mother, who was often still in bed by late afternoon, to eat.

Going away to college was a tough decision for Sandy because she didn't want to leave her mother alone.  Sandy's mother, who was still preoccupied with her own emotional problems, never came to the college campus to see Sandy and never asked Sandy how she liked her college roommates.

By the time Sandy was in her early 30s, she continued that she just couldn't do enough to try to make her mother happy.  She was consumed with guilt, feeling that she had let her mother down because she couldn't heal her mother's emotional wounds.

When she came to therapy, Sally had no awareness of how she had sacrificed her own emotional well being by trying to be her mother's mother.  All she knew was that she felt tremendously guilty and unhappy.

Often, in situations like this, talk therapy can provide intellectual insight for the parentified child, but more often than not, it doesn't help to overcome the guilt and shame he or she feels.  There is a disconnect between what a parentified child might know on a rational level and what he or she feels on an emotional level.

I have found that mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing are much more effective to help clients to overcome the deeply ingrained guilt and shame they feel for not being able to compensate for their parents' emotional deficits.

Rather than just having intellectual insight, these clients are much more likely to heal and overcome their guilt and shame with one of these mind-body oriented psychotherapy treatment modalities. My experience has been that they usually heal on a much deeper level when psychotherapy includes the mind-body connection.

Getting Help in Therapy:  Overcoming Your Own Emotional Wounds
If you grew up as a parentified child to your own mother or father, you might still feel guilt and shame because you were unable to heal your parent's emotional wounds.

You owe it to yourself to get help to overcome your own emotional wounds so you can lead a more fulfilling life. Many people, who grew up as parentified children, have freed themselves from a history of guilt and shame about depressed and anxious parents by getting help from a licensed psychotherapist who uses the mind-body connection in treatment, and you can too.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

There comes a time in any dating relationship when you and the person you're dating decide if you're going to take it to the next level--making a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship or deciding that you're not going to pursue a serious relationship.

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

Under ideal circumstances, you and your dating partner talk about it and mutually agree either that you're going to be in a relationship, you're going to remain in a casual dating situation or you're going to stop seeing each other.

But, often, both people don't see eye-to-eye about it.  One person might want to remain casual while the other might want to be in a more committed relationship.  This can put an emotional strain on each of you as you try to work out this situation.

If you're the person who wants a committed relationship and your dating partner wants to remain in a non-monogamous dating situation, what do you do?

Of course, there are no easy answers and it depends on many factors.  For instance, if the two of  you have been dating for a year and you're a woman in your late 30s who wants to have children soon, you might have different feelings about it compared to a woman in her early 20s who is not in a hurry to have children.

And, if you're dating partner has a long history of avoiding making commitments to relationships, you would probably want to consider this if it has been a lifelong pattern.

It can be a very hurtful situation to discover that you've fallen in love with someone and you want to take your relationship to the next level, but your dating partner is ambivalent.  You might decide to give the situation more time.

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

But if you're someone who wants to get married and have children one day or you just want to settle down with one person, you'll want to ask yourself some hard questions about how long you want to wait to see if the person you love wants to make a commitment to you:

How long are you willing to wait and what is the downside of waiting?  Will it be eroding to your sense of self?  Will there be increasing pressure and tension between the two of you?

Are you being honest with yourself about this person and if you're both suited for each other?  Are you allowing the head-over-heels feeling of being in love blind you to certain problems between you?

Are you staying with this person because you're too afraid to be alone?  Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else?

These are tough but necessary questions to confront.

I think many people know deep down when it's time to end a dating relationship with someone who has problems making a commitment, but they often don't want to break up because they don't want to go through the heartache.

What's even more heartbreaking is to look back on time that has passed and realize that, all along, the person you're dating would never be able to make a romantic commitment no matter how long you wait.

If you're in a dating relationship with someone who has problems with making a commitment, you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings with yourself and your dating partner.   You have a right to be happy and so does your dating partner.  You might feel that you won't be able to tolerate the loss, but most people are a lot more resilient than they realize and they overcome these losses.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:
Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Relationships and Communication: Do You Expect Your Partner to be a Mind Reader?

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many individuals and couples who come to therapy because of problems in their relationships.  One of the most common relationship issues is that one or both spouses or partners expects the other to be a "mind reader," knowing and anticipating emotional reactions, wishes and fears.  

This is often one of the major problems in the relationship because there is a lack of communication as well as anger, resentment and frustration.

Do You Expect Your Spouse to be a "Mind Reader"?

Of course, no one ever comes in saying, "I expect my husband to be a mind reader."  Instead, someone might say, "I didn't tell him because he should have known that I felt that way." 

Often, this includes subjects that the couple have never discussed before and the other spouse would have no way of knowing without being told.

I can certainly understand a fantasy to have a loved one anticipate your every wish.  But as delightful a fantasy as that it, it's just that--a fantasy.  

It's much more useful to learn to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your spouse rather than expecting him or her to "just know," somehow, magically.

Do You Expect Your Spouse to be a "Mind Reader"?

Often, when this is the problem in a relationship, one or both people have problems asking for what they want.  Sometimes, this happens because they were shamed as children for having wants or needs.  

As adults, they feel ashamed to ask for what they need so, instead, they blame their spouse or partner for not knowing, when, in fact, it's their problem because they don't feel entitled to have what they need or want.  

But pointing the finger at a spouse isn't going to change this problem.  Owning it and working it out in therapy is much more useful than continuing to hope that a spouse or partner will intuit what you want.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are having this problem, you're not alone.  

Many couples have successfully worked out this issue in couples counseling and enhanced their relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many people to communicate in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.