Follow

Translate

NYC Psychotherapist Blog

power by WikipediaMindmap

Thursday, September 25, 2025

What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase in EMDR Therapy?

In the past I've written other articles about EMDR therapy including:
In the current article I want to focus on Phase 2 of EMDR Therapy: The Preparation and Stabilization Phase.

Before focusing on Phase 2, let's review the eight stages of EMDR therapy.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

What Are the 8 Phases of EMDR Therapy?
The eight phases of EMDR Therapy:

Phase 1: History Taking and Treatment Planning: 
  • Taking a thorough family history
  • Taking a history of the problem
  • Establishing a rapport with the client
  • Selecting target memories to process with EMDR
Phase 2: Preparation and Stabilization:
  • Teaching the client about EMDR processing
  • Helping the client to develop the necessary coping and relaxation skills to process the trauma with EMDR
  • Ensuring the client is ready to process the trauma with EMDR
Phase 3: Assessment:
  • Identifying the client's negative belief
  • Identifying the images related to the traumatic memory to be processed
  • Helping the client to identify their level of disturbance about the memory (Subjective Unit of Disturbance or SUD)
  • Rating the level of disturbance (SUD)
Phase 4: Desensitization:
  • Using bilateral stimulation (tapping, eye movements or tones) while the client focuses on the traumatic memory
  • Reducing the client's disturbance (SUD) to a manageable level
Phase 5: Installation:
  • Helping the client to identify and integrate a positive belief that contradicts the client's negative belief
  • Strengthening the client's positive belief with bilateral stimulation
Phase 6: Body Scan:
  • Helping the client to recognize any residual body sensations associated with the trauma
  • Addressing any residual discomfort client has with regard to the trauma
Phase 7: Closure:
  • Helping the client to develop a calm and grounded state
  • Providing strategies so that the client can manage any future triggers
Phase 8: Reevaluation:
  • Assessing the client's progress and revisiting the traumatic memory
  • Deciding whether any further processing of the traumatic memory is needed
What is the Purpose of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy?
Phase 2, known as the Preparation and Stabilization phase of EMDR, is essential because it:
  • Builds Resources: The EMDR therapist helps the client to identify and strengthen internal resources  and external resources as well adaptive memory networks to support the client in processing the trauma.
  • Helps to Build Coping Skills: The client learns various coping skills such as a breathing exercise, a container exercise, imagery, and grounding techniques to manage any intense emotions so the client can remain stable.
  • Establishes a Relaxing Place Imagery: The client creates a mental image of a relaxing or safe place that they can return to if the processing feels overwhelming or between EMDR sessions.
  • Increases Trust and Safety: This phase helps the client to develop trust and a sense of safety as well as enhance the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist.
  • Provides Psychoeducation: The therapist educates the client about trauma, the processing of trauma and what to expect in EMDR therapy. 
  • Assesses the Client's Readiness to Start EMDR Processing: The therapist assesses the client's readiness to do EMDR therapy, determining if the client is sufficiently stabilized to proceed with the processing of trauma or if the client needs additional resources or more attention to stabilization. 
Why is the Preparation and Stabilization Phase Important in EMDR Therapy?
Without the necessary preparation and stabilization phase of EMDR, a client can become overwhelmed or retraumatized. 

They might be unable to stay in the present moment during the processing of the trauma or between sessions.

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

Preparation and stabilization ensures the client has the necessary internal stability and resources to safely process trauma using EMDR therapy.

This phase also helps to reduce the risk of negative experiences and to a better overall outcome for the client.

Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the importance of the EMDR Preparation and Stabilization Phase:

Tom
As a US veteran who experienced significant trauma during the Iraq war, Tom suffered with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, which is also known as PTSD (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

After he heard about EMDR therapy, he had consultations with a few EMDR therapists in his area.

When the therapists spoke to Tom about the need for preparation and stabilization before processing his traumatic memories, he felt discouraged about the time this would take. Understandably, he wanted to get rid of his PTSD symptoms and he wanted it now

One of his friends, John, an unlicensed mental health intern, told Tom that he had read books about EMDR therapy.  Even though he had no formal training in EMDR, John felt he could help Tom to overcome his trauma, so he offered to do EMDR for Tom.

Aside from John not being a licensed mental health professional and having no training in doing EMDR, Tom jumped right into Phase 4 of EMDR (Desensitization) by skipping Phases 1-3.

Within minutes of processing the trauma, Tom went into a dissociated state and believed he was back in the battlefield. He had no awareness of the present moment with John. He began shaking, crying and cowering on the floor. It was obvious to John that Tom was being retraumatized.

Panicked and not knowing what else to do, John called 911 and the Emergency Medical Technicians were there with 10 minutes. They helped to stabilize and calm Tom so that he became aware of his current surroundings.  They also suggested he contact his primary care physician.

In addition, the EMTs told John that, as an unlicensed intern, it was unethical and dangerous for him to undertake doing any type of therapy.

A few weeks later, Tom's primary care doctor referred him to a licensed mental health professional who had advanced training in EMDR therapy.

Although the therapy took longer than Tom would have liked, by the time his therapist prepared him for EMDR processing, he felt safe enough with her and prepared to do EMDR.

The work was not quick or easy, but by the time Tom completed EMDR therapy, he was relieved of his trauma symptoms and he felt ready to move on with his life.

Conclusion
EMDR is a safe and effective therapy to process and overcome trauma when done responsibly by a licensed mental health professional who has advanced EMDR training.

This article seeks to explain the importance of the Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR (also known as Phase 2).

The Preparation and Stabilization Phase of EMDR Therapy

All the phases in EMDR therapy are important, however, as illustrated in the clinical vignette above, it's important not to skip any of the phases, including Phase 2, because of the risk of  experiencing negative mental health consequences, including retraumatization.

Some clients who seek help in EMDR therapy are initially disappointed that they cannot immediately start processing their trauma on Day1 in therapy.

They might seek help from unlicensed and untrained people because they think it will be quicker, but many of these individuals become retraumatized and in a worse state than they were originally.

Only seek help in EMDR therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in EMDR.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to process and overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.























Relationships: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

Starting with curiosity instead of confrontation means approaching a challenging situation by first seeking to understand the other person's feelings and behavior from their perspective and not just from your own.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

This involves asking open ended questions like: "Can you tell me more? I would like to understand."

Why Should You Start With Curiosity?
Curiosity allows you to remain open to your partner's perspective rather than assuming you understand when you might not.

In addition, curiosity:
  • Builds Bridges, Not Walls: Whereas confrontation creates walls and divisions, curiosity builds bridges by promoting understanding and connection.
  • Encourages Open Communication: A curious approach encourages honest sharing of thoughts, feelings and ideas without the fear of judgment, which leads to more transparent conversations.
Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation
  • Allows Your Partner to Be Open and Cooperative: When your partner feels you are genuinely curious and you're not being judgmental or critical, they are more likely to be open and cooperative.
  • Unlocks Solutions: By exploring the root causes of the conflict, you can both discover innovative and more effective solutions that get to the core of the issue.
  • Prompts Empathy: By considering that your partner is a decent person who arrived at their particular point of view, you're more likely to have empathy for them--even if your  perspective differs from theirs. Your empathy can help with finding a compromise to the problem.
How Can You Practice Using Curiosity?
  • Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of making assumptions, ask open ended questions that encourages your partner to share more.
  • Be An Active Listener: Focus on listening to understand your partner's viewpoint instead of just waiting to respond so you can argue your point of view.
Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation
  • Check Your Own Biases: Be aware of your own conscious and unconscious biases and try to suspend your biases so you can avoid jumping to conclusions and making immediate judgments.
  • Acknowledge Your Own Role in the Conflict: Be curious about your own perceptions and behavior to understand how you might be contributing to the conflict.
  • Create Space For a Deeper Understanding: Slow down and create pauses in the conversation for a deeper understanding and greater insight.
Get Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have tried to approach your conflicts with curiosity and not confrontation but you're not making progress, consider working with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to engage in the same behavior that isn't working, get help in couples therapy so you can have a more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many people to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,




Wednesday, September 24, 2025

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?
If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:
  • Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.
Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner
  • Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  
  • Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.
  • Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.
Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner
  • Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.
  • Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.
Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner
  • Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.
  • Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.
Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner
  • Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.
  • Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.
  • Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.
What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?
As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:














































Tuesday, September 23, 2025

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.


Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?
Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:
  • Dependence and Compulsion includes:
    • Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.
    • Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.
  • Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
    • Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries
        • A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbingloneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.
        • Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries
        • Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure
      What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?
      Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:
      • Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).
      Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure
      • Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).
      • Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 
      Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure
      • Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.
      • Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.
      • Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).
      Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?
      Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:
      • Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.
      • Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.
      Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure
      • Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).
      • Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).
      • Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal
      How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?
      Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.
      • Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?
      Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure
      • Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.
      • Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.
      • Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.
      Get Help in Therapy
      An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

      Getting Help in Therapy

      A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

      Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

      About Me
      I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

      I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

      To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

      To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

      Also See My Articles:





















      Monday, September 22, 2025

      How to "Get Out of Your Head" to Heal With Experiential Therapy

      In an earlier article, Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough, I discussed how traditional psychotherapy has focused on helping clients to understand and develop intellectual insight into their problems.

      How to Get Our of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy

      While intellectual insight is an important first step, it's usually not enough to heal and create change (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy For Trauma).

      As I discussed in the prior article, traditional psychotherapy without the mind-body connection creates intellectual insight into clients' problems, but it often doesn't help with the necessary emotional shift necessary for healing and change.

      This is why Experiential Therapy is more effective for healing and change.

      What Are the Various Types Experiential Therapy?
      Experiential Therapy includes many body-oriented therapies including:
      • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
      • AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
      How Does Experiential Therapy Work?
      Although each modality is set up in a different way, all Experiential Therapy has certain aspects in common:
      • Creating Experiences: Compared to traditional psychotherapy, all Experiential Therapy involves creating experiences to bring about a deeper connection between thoughts and emotions. 
      • Emotional Processing: After preparing a client by helping them through the Preparation and Resource Phase, Experiential Therapy allows thoughts, memories and emotions to come to the surface in a deeper way than traditional therapy. Most Experiential Therapists track clients' moment-to-moment experiences so that what comes up is within clients' window of tolerance within the safe environment of the therapist's office. This is important in terms of the work being neither overwhelming nor causing emotional numbing.
      Getting Out of Your Head to Heal with Experiential Therapy
      What Are the Benefits of Experiential Therapy?
      The benefits include:
      • Developing New Skills: With Experiential Therapy clients learn and practice new and healthier ways of coping with stress, managing difficult emotions, resolving conflict and overcoming unresolved trauma.
      Getting Out of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy
      • Reframing Negative Patterns: Clients learn how to experience situations in new ways by reframing negative thoughts and beliefs. This helps clients to stop harmful patterns from repeating. 
      • Enhancing Empathy and Communication Skills: As enhanced empathy and communication skills emerge, clients can improve their relationship with themselves and others (see my article: What is Compassionate Empathy?).
      • Providing Stress Relief: The process of engaging with and releasing suppressed emotions and processing unresolved trauma provides stress relief.
      Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
      If traditional therapy was only partially helpful, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses Experiential Therapy to help you to work through trauma and heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

      Getting Out of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy

      A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to complete trauma processing so you can lead a more meaningful life.

      Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal and move on with your life.

      About Me
      I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Trauma Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

      I work with individual adults and couples.

      To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

      To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.











      Friday, September 19, 2025

      You Can't Understand Your "Yeses" If You Don't Understand Your "Nos" and "Maybes"

      For you to truly understand what you're agreeing to, you also need to understand what you're declining and what you're not sure about.  

      This is true for all areas of your life whether it involves your loved ones, your work or other areas of your life.

      Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

      How Can You Learn to Understand Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"?
      Here are some tips:
      • Develop Self Awareness: To really know what you want, you need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself using your self reflective capacity. Before you say "Yes" to someone think about how you might be saying "No" to other choices and excluding other possibilities. So, for instance, before you say "Yes" to being in an exclusive relationship with someone, think about whether you're ready to give up seeing other people and what this might be like. Reflect on what the tradeoffs are in making one choice versus making another (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?)
      Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"
      • Prioritize What's Important to You: Instead of spreading yourself thin by people pleasing and agreeing to do things you don't want to do, prioritize what's most important to you. For instance, if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to spend all their free time with you but you know you need some time for yourself, you need to honor what you need and communicate this to your partner. If possible, try to find a compromise without neglecting your needs (see my article: Time Apart vs Time Together).
      Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

      • Boundary Setting, Self Respect and Self Care: Know how to set boundaries with others for your own well-being. This is related to prioritizing what's important to you. This involves being assertive in a tactful way in order to respect your own needs and take care of yourself (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).
      How Can This Be Challenging For You?
      Understanding your 'yeses", "nos" and "maybes" and following through with what you need might be challenging for you because you never learned to do it and maybe you were even taught that taking care of yourself in this way is selfish--even though it's not.

      Clinical Vignette
      The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges involved with understanding what you really want and how Experiential Therapy can help:

      Jane
      Jane, who was in her early 30s, was raised to believe she should always put others first before herself, so she would agree to do things she didn't really want to do and she would often feel exhausted afterwards.

      She would say "Yes" to anyone in her life who asked her to do a favor or to spend time with them or to listen endlessly to her friend's ongoing crises (see my article: Are You Overwhelmed By Your Friends' Problems?).

      When she got romantically involved with John and they became sexual, Jane wasn't sure what she liked and what she didn't like sexually so she agreed to everything John wanted, but then she felt bad about herself afterwards because she wasn't sure if she wanted to do what she did.

      One day John told her he sensed that she didn't enjoy performing oral sex on him--even though she did it and she didn't complain. He told her he didn't want her to just comply--he wanted her to want to do it and, if she didn't, he wanted her to tell him. But at that point, Jane didn't know how to respond to him because she had little awareness of what she liked and what she didn't.

      Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

      Jane realized she had little self awareness about what she liked and she didn't know how to develop self awareness. So, she sought help in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

      Her therapist helped Jane to understand the connection between her family background and her current problems (see my article: Why Is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

      Her parents, who were well intentioned, lived their lives in a way where they were always giving to others and expected very little for themselves ,and they raised Jane and her siblings in this way.

      Her therapist taught Jane how to use mind-body oriented techniques, like mindfulness meditation to get to be in the present moment and to get to know herself. She also encouraged Jane to use a journal to reflect on her thoughts and emotions (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Minid-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

      Experiential Therapy includes: 
      Jane's work in Experiential Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but she stuck with it because she realized she was developing a deeper connection with herself and getting to know herself better.

      Gradually, Jane began to understand her "yeses", her "nos" and her "maybes". She also learned to be assertive in a tactful and caring way with the people in her life.

      Getting to know herself sexually was the most challenging for Jane because she had conflicted feelings about pleasure and solo pleasure.

      Over time, she was able to overcome her guilt and shame about sex, and she developed a healthy relationship with her own body which allowed her to discover what she enjoyed.

      Her therapist, who was an Experiential therapist as well as a sex therapist, helped Jane to consider many sexual possibilities by introducing Jane to a "Yes, No, Maybe" list of sexual activities. 

      Jane used the list, which had on scale from 1-5, to discover what appealed to her, what she didn didn't like and what she wasn't sure about (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

      When Jane told John that she didn't enjoy oral sex, but she did enjoy other sexual activities, she was surprised that he was so understanding. This allowed her to open up and get curious emotionally and sexually with John so their relationship developed in new and exciting ways.

      Conclusion
      You can't understand your "yeses" if you don't know your "nos" and "maybes".

      Developing self awareness is the first step in getting to know yourself better and being able to communicate with others.

      People pleasing often poses an obstacle to getting to know and take care of yourself and to being able to communicate honestly with others.

      When you can prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries with others, you will be on your way to respecting your needs, taking care of yourself and being genuine with others.

      Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
      Being able to understand and assert your needs can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including an upbringing focused on always prioritizing the needs of others. 

      Experiential Therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is uniquely suited for helping clients to get to attune to themselves and to interact in a healthy way with others.

      If you have been struggling with understanding your needs and setting boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

      Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

      A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to develop increased self awareness through a mind-body oriented approach, prioritize your needs and set healthy boundaries.

      Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a Experiential Therapist.

      About Me
      I am a licensed New York Experiential Therapist.

      I am an EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work, EFT (couples therapist) and Certified Sex Therapist.

      I work with individual adults and couples.

      To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

      To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.