Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

In an earlier article, I wrote about arousal non-concordance to explain what it is and to normalize it as a common experience for many people (see my article: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?).

Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance occurs when there is a disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Arousal non-concordance can occur when someone feels physically aroused, but they don't want to have sex. 

It can also occur when someone wants to have sex, but they don't feel physically aroused.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Desire and Sexual Arousal?

Arousal non-concordance highlights the difference between feeling sexual desire and sexual arousal.  

Sexual desire is a psychological state. It's a state of mind which is often described as being "in the mood" to have sex.  Desire is often influenced by thoughts, emotions and the particular context a person is in.

Sexual arousal is a physical response which can include changes in erection and lubrication. 

Sexual arousal is often triggered by visual or physical cues or memories.

Sexual desire and sexual arousal often go together--but not always. This is evident with arousal non-concordance.

Examples of Arousal Non-Concordance

The following short vignettes are just a few examples of arousal non-concordance:

• Liz and Jane: Liz feels sexually turned on when Jane kisses her. But when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she discovers Liz feels dry. As a result, Jane assumes Liz doesn't want to have sex so she stops kissing her. She assumes that if Liz was turned on, she would be lubricated. So, Liz tells Jane that, even though she's not wet, she really wants Jane, so they continue to kiss and make love.

• Mary and Bill: Bill touched Mary's genitals and she knew this meant he wanted to have sex. But she had a headache and she wasn't in the mood. She told Bill that she loves him, but she would rather wait until the morning to have sex after her headache goes away. Bill was confused and said to Mary, "You're so wet. I don't understand how you're not in the mood." Mary explained to him that her body was sexually aroused, but she wasn't  desiring sex at that moment. By the morning, Mary's headache was gone away and she and Bill enjoyed sex.

• John and Ed: John and Ed were in bed when John told Ed that he wanted to have sex. But during foreplay Ed noticed that John wasn't getting an erection so he stopped kissing and touching him because he assumed that John didn't desire him. At that point, John explained that, even though he really desired Ed a lot, he sometimes had problems having an erection when he was anxious. He said he just needed to relax. So after they cuddled for a while, John felt calmer and he was able to have an erection.

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Arousal non-concordance can occur under many circumstances, including while having memories of sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

The concept of arousal non-concordance is important to understand when there is a history of sexual abuse.

Many children and adults, who were sexually abused, might have felt physically aroused when they were being abused--even though they had no desire to be sexual with their abuser. 

This happens because the body can become sexually aroused even though the person has no desire to have sex (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers).

It's common for people who were sexually abused to get confused about why they get physically aroused with these memories because they don't know about arousal non-concordance. They feel like there's something wrong with them or they were to blame for the sexual abuse. But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with them at all and they're not to blame.

Everyone is different. Some people who were abused feel ashamed and guilty about getting aroused by the memories.

Other people accept their arousal as a common experience and they're not bothered by it.  

Other people incorporate their earlier experience in a roleplay with a partner to feel empowered. In other words, when the original experience occurred, they had no control over what was happening to them. But in a roleplay with a partner they use their imagination to feel in control and they experience a different outcome. 

In that sense, the roleplay becomes healing for them.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most licensed mental health professionals have no sex therapy training and don't understand arousal non-concordance.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to work through issues around arousal non-concordance, including a history of trauma, you need to work with a psychotherapist who has training in both sex therapy and trauma therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has the expertise you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped individual adults and couples to resolve sexual and/or trauma-related issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care During Turbulent Times

Self care is important in the best of times, but it's especially important during turbulent and stressful times whether it involves stress in your personal life or beyond (see my article: Post Election Stress and Anxiety).

Self Care During Turbulent Times

Many people think self care is selfish, but this couldn't be further from the truth. 

In fact, self care is essential to everyone's well-being (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

What Does Self Care During Turbulent Times Mean?

Self care during turbulent and stressful times means engaging in behavior that prioritizes your physical and emotional health including:

• Health Eating: Nutritious meals and good hydration

• Regular Exercise: Exercise which is appropriate for you like walking, running, yoga and other similar activities (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?)

• Good Sleep: At least 8 hours to recharge your mind and body (see my article: Tips For Improving Your Sleep)

Self Care: Good Sleep

• Mindfulness Meditation (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation to Reduce Stress and Anxiety)

Self Care: Meditation and Breathing Exercises

• Breathing Exercises (see my article: What is Square Breathing?)

• Journaling to Process Your Feelings (see my article: Journaling to Cope With Stress and Anxiety)

Self Care: Journaling

• Maintaining Social Connections (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation)

Self Care: Maintaining Social Connections

How to Approach New Self Care Habits

• Be Flexible: New habits can take a while to develop, so strive to be consistent, but also be flexible instead of trying to be perfect (see my article:  Overcoming Perfectionism).

Self Care: Be Flexible and Start Small

• Start Small: Start small and progress in a manageable way over time. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with problems you have been unable to resolve on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through unresolved issues, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can lead a more meaningful life.

Also see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

    See my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Communication: Are You Uncomfortable Talking to Your Partner About Certain Topics?

As a couples therapist and certified sex therapist in New York City, I meet with many individuals and couples where one partner feels threatened by the other partner's thoughts and fantasies about other people.

Talking About Fantasies

Usually the partner who feels uncomfortable believes their partner shouldn't need to think about someone else.  This often results in arguments and power struggles with the first partner feeling threatened and the other partner feeling intruded upon.

Psychoeducation About Sexual Thoughts and Fantasies

When I work with clients who are struggling with this problem, after I assess that there is no active infidelity, I provide psychoeducation about thoughts and fantasies:

• Thoughts and fantasies aren't reality.

• Thoughts and fantasies don't necessarily indicate intentions and real life experiences.  Thoughts are just thoughts--they're not facts.

• Thoughts and fantasies about other people have nothing to do with you. These thoughts don't mean your partner doesn't care about you or they aren't turned on by you.

Talking About Fantasies

• Romantic and sexual thoughts and fantasies often come unbidden and they usually have little or nothing to do with the actual person your partner is fantasizing about.

• Respect each other's personal boundaries and privacy: If hearing about your partner's fantasies about other people makes you feel uncomfortable, let your partner know. And if you're the one who wants to share fantasies about someone else and you know your partner is uncomfortable with it, don't talk about it (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships).

• If your insecurity about your partner's fantasies are rooted in earlier problems (e.g., unresolved childhood trauma or prior infidelity), get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can work through this issue in couples/sex therapy. (Note: Even though the vignette below discusses a heterosexual couple with heteronormative dynamics, this is also a common problem in LGBTQ+ relationships too).

Nan and Bill

Nan and Bill were married and in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. They were both happy with their sex life, but Nan didn't like when Bill shared his sexual fantasies about other women.  

Whenever Nan heard Bill talk about random women he fantasized about, she felt insecure and wondered if he felt she wasn't enough for him.

Her insecurity was exacerbated by her family history where her father often compared her  unfavorably to her older sister (see my article: Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Her father would praise her older sister's grades, her athletic ability and her ease with making friends. He would often say, "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

When she was a child, Nan struggled to get good grades, so every time her father criticized her and praised her sister, Nan felt diminished and insecure.

Bill thought sharing his sexual fantasies with Nan would spice up their sex life. He said he had no intention of actually having sex with any of the women he fantasized about and he had never cheated before.

After Bill realized that Nan was uncomfortable with his fantasies, he stopped sharing them.  But, by that time, Nan couldn't stop wondering about his fantasies about other women. 

Even though she knew she would feel uncomfortable, she would frequently ask him if he was still fantasizing about others. It was as if she couldn't stop herself from asking.

Bill didn't want to hurt Nan, so he would reassure her that he loved her very much and, whatever thoughts he might have about other women, had nothing to do with her or their relationship.  

But no amount of reassurance from Bill helped Nan to feel secure.  She trusted Bill and she knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but she couldn't stop asking him about his thoughts.

After a few months of arguing, Bill and Nan sought help from a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. 

After getting a thorough family and relationship history for Bill and Nan, the therapist realized that Nan's problem with Bill's fantasies were rooted in her history.

The therapist helped Nan to become aware of her insecurity and separate her unresolved childhood trauma from her relationship with Bill. Nan also sought help in trauma therapy to work through the unresolved childhood trauma.

Nan and Bill Talking About Fantasies

After a while, Nan realized she also had fantasies about other men and some women.  Before attending sex therapy, she never allowed these fantasies to go far in her mind because she felt guilty about them. 

But, once Nan realized that Bill got sexually aroused by her fantasies, she shared them with him. At that point, she wanted to hear Bill's fantasies because, after she got over her insecurities, she also got turned on by them and these fantasies enlivened their sex life.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to sharing and hearing about fantasies.  

For a variety of reasons, some people feel uncomfortable and other people get turned on. 

Talking to Your Partner About Fantasies

Both reactions are equally valid. So, it's important to know yourself and your partner enough to know what works for you as a couple.

If knowing that your partner's fantasizes about other people makes you feel insecure, you would  benefit from knowing whether this insecurity is rooted in earlier experiences--like Nan in the composite vignette above.  If so, seeking help in therapy for the issues that are getting triggered will help you.  

Similarly, if you feel guilty about having sexual thoughts and fantasies about someone--even though you know you would never act on these thoughts--you could be feeling guilty because you mistakenly believe these thoughts mean you're cheating.  This kind of guilt is often rooted in earlier issues.

Above all, know yourself, know your partner and respect each other's boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable sharing sexual fantasies about others, you have a right to keep your private thoughts private. And if you're okay with your partner having sexual fantasies but you don't want to hear about them, you have a right to set a limit with your partner.

Also see my prior articles: 

• It's Common and Normal to Have Sexual Fantasies

• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

• Sexual Explorations: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs. This is Normal.

• Privacy vs Secrecy in Relationships

• Do's and Don'ts About How to Start a Conversation About Fantasies

• How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Partner's Porn Viewing

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Power struggles about sexual thoughts and fantasies are common in many relationships, but if this issue is creating a problem in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has training and expertise in this area.

Rather than struggling with a problem that could erode your relationship over time, seek help sooner rather than later.

Once you and your partner have worked through these problems, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work  through their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.