Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

I've written prior articles about gratitude for this psychotherapy blog (see: Psychotherapy, Balance and Gratitude,  Keeping a Gratitude Journal, The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse and Being in the Present Moment).  I'm focusing on a particular topic relating to gratitude in this article, which is a question that often comes up in therapy:  Is is possible to feel gratitude even when you're sad?

Is It Possible To Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

It might sound pollyanaish or naive to talk about feeling grateful when you feel sad.  But cultivating an attitude of gratefulness on a regular basis helps you, especially during the times when you're not at your best.

Why is this?  Well, when you develop the ability to find things in your life that you can be grateful for, you're developing a particular skill that will help you during good times and bad.

In many ways, it's easier to focus on the things that aren't going well in your life and, at any given time, you might have numerous challenges.

But if you have developed a habit of looking for the positive things, the things that are going well in your life, no matter how small, it helps to alleviate some of the emotional pain that you might be going through.

Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

Developing a habit of noticing things to be grateful for doesn't mean that you're trying to deny that you have problems or that you're upset or depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?)

It's a way of getting a bigger perspective about your life and the people in your life that includes the challenges as well as the positive aspects.

So, how to you do this?

How to Begin to Develop the Ability to Notice Positive Aspects of Your Life:

If you've never tried to develop the ability to find the positive things in your life to be grateful for, you can start in small ways by jotting down things that were positive each day.  

Make a List:

This list can be as simple as the smallest things:  

• Someone smiled at you and lifted your spirits for a moment.
• You heard your favorite song.
• You remembered a happy memory.
• You heard from a friend.
• You noticed a job online that you could apply for to get out of your current job.
• Someone complimented you.
• You found a parking space easily.
• The sales assistant in the store was helpful to you.

Keeping a Gratitude List

And so on.

Getting into the habit of noticing the positive aspects of your life each day helps you to begin to be attuned to these experiences on a regular basis.

It can also help you to realize that, even though you might be sad, life is complex and good feelings can still coexist with sad feelings.

Once you've begun to notice that there are usually at least one or two things that make you feel good and that you can appreciate, you can learn to deepen these feelings by using the mind-body connection.

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Deepen Your Sense of Gratitude

It's not unusual, especially if you're feeling sad, to notice positive aspects of your day and experience them in only an intellectual way.

Experiencing something in an intellectual way is very different from feeling it on an emotional and physical level.

One way to go from experiencing these positive aspects from purely an intellectual perspective to deepening the feeling to an emotional and physical level is to use the mind-body connection.

One method that I use with my therapy clients when they're starting therapy is called "internal resource building."

When we're engaged in internal resource building (also known as developing coping skills), I ask clients to bring in 10 positive memories from their life, no matter how long ago it was and no matter how fleeting the memory might be.  If they can't come up with 10, I'll use whatever they bring in and that's just fine.

I ask the client to close her eyes, get back into the memory and notice what emotions and sensations she feels in her body.  Then, we use some form of what is called "bilateral stimulation" (from EMDR Therapy) to reinforce that feeling.

The bilateral stimulation can be done with "tappers" (one tapper in each hand) that provide alternate or bilateral buzzing in each hand.  This is done for only a few seconds to focus on the positive aspect of the memory and to try to prevent negative aspects from coming up so the memory remains positive.

Since you won't have tappers, you can use another EMDR therapy technique, which is alternate tapping.  Alternate tapping, which is a form of bilateral stimulation can be done by using your hands to gently tap, and it can be done in several ways:  

• Alternate tapping of your leg--right leg, then left leg, back and forth (see Laurel Parnell's Book, Tapping In).
• The "Butterfly Tap" where you cross your arms in front of your chest and do alternate taps of your upper arms
• Bilateral music that goes from one ear to the other (see Bilateral Music).

The idea is that you're focusing on the positive emotion that you're feeling in your body, and this helps to strengthen the positive feelings.  

By strengthening the positive feelings, your experience of gratitude usually goes from an intellectual experience to a felt sense of gratitude.

It also provides you with a reprieve from your sadness.

So, to answer the question that I posed at the beginning of this article:  Yes, it is possible to feel both sadness and gratitude, but it can be challenging to feel gratitude when you're overcome with depression or unresolved trauma.  At that point, you might need the help of an experienced psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

There's a difference from feeling sad and feeling depressed.

When you're depressed, it's harder to access positive feelings and gratitude and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise is helping clients to over come depression.

Depression is episodic and you can have multiple episodes throughout your life.  Getting help from a mental health professional can help you to overcome these depressive episodes so that they are shorter than they would be without help.

Getting help in therapy also helps you to develop the necessary coping skills to help you lead a more fulfilling life (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you've tried to cultivate an ability to feeling grateful, but emotional problems or a history of trauma are hindering you, rather than suffering alone, find a skilled therapist to help you through these challenges.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and adults.

I have over 20 years of experience as a therapist and I helped many clients to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living With Uncertainty

I've written prior articles about excessive worrying.

See my articles: 

How to Stop Worrying: What is Chronic Worrying?

Steps You Can Take to Stop Worrying

Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety

Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times 

Are You Catastrophizing?).  

In this article, I'm focusing on living with uncertainty because so many people are talking about worrying, checking the news several times a day, getting alerts on their phone, and so on.

Living With Uncertainty

To a certain extent, we all live with a degree of uncertainty all the time--whether we're aware of it or not.

When we feel more vulnerable and fragile in our personal lives, we might be more aware of the possibility of uncertainty than at others times when we're feeling confident and positive.

Coping Strategies For Living With Uncertainty

Practice Living in the Moment:
When you feel particularly vulnerable about things that you have no control over (e.g., nuclear war, a sudden economic downturn, etc), a good strategy is to recognize that your thoughts might be running away with you and bring yourself back to the present (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Ask yourself, "Am I alright right now?"

If the answer is "Yes," then you know that you're racing ahead in your mind and worrying about things which may or may not happen, and worrying about it won't help.

One of the reasons why I like mindfulness is because when you practice mindfulness, you keep bringing your mind back to the present instead of dwelling on uncertain possibilities (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

And while you can't always live in the present moment, if you spend some time each day--even if it's just five minutes--practicing mindfulness, you'll probably feel a lot calmer.

Be Aware of Your Thought Patterns
Do you have a tendency to project your worries and fears into the future?

Ask yourself how many times you've done this in the past and how often these worries materialized into problems.

If you're like most people that tend to worry, you'll realize that most of the time your worries came to nothing, and you might have worked yourself up into a frazzled state thinking about everything that could go wrong.

Write About Your Worries and Fears
There's something about writing, especially when you're worried, that helps to concretize and externalize your thoughts and feelings (see my article: Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Rather than allowing yourself to ruminate about your worries, when you write and then read what you wrote, you tend to question the negative assumptions that you make.

After a while, you realize, once again, that you have a particular thought pattern that is getting in your way.  It might be that you've engaged in this pattern of thinking for many years--possibly since childhood.  Maybe one or both of your parents tended to catastrophize and you learned to do it too.

Be Selective About Watching News or Monitoring Social Media
Broadcast news tends to sensationalize the news in order to get the public's attention and high ratings.

Be selective about the kind of news that you watch so that you're not getting frightened and alarmed on a daily basis.

You might even want to take a break from broadcast news for a while--possibly read a quality newspaper instead which doesn't attempt to sensationalize the news.  You might discover that you're a lot calmer.

The same goes for social media.  There are some sites that are constantly pumping out sensationalized news to get your "clicks."

Ask yourself what it might be like not to monitor the news on social media all the time.

Think About What You Can Do to Feel Empowered
One of the things that I keep hearing is that people feel so disempowered about things that are going on in the world.

While it's true that you're probably not going to be the negotiator for world peace, maybe there are things that you can do that will help you to feel empowered, like volunteering for an organization or cause that is important to you.

Even if you don't have time to volunteer, maybe you can make a phone call to your city councilperson or senator about an issue that's important to you.

Taking action can be empowering.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when the world around you can trigger certain emotional vulnerabilities that you have (see my articles: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You, Psychotherapy to Overcome Your Past Childhood Trauma, Overcoming Trauma When the Past is in the Present, Understanding Why You're Affected by Trauma That Happened a Long Time Ago, and Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers).

The strategies that I mentioned above can be helpful, but if you keep getting triggered, this is usually a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved.

One of the benefits of psychotherapy is that it can free you from your history so you can live your life unencumbered by problems from the past (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through these issues so that you don't keep getting triggered.

When you're free from a traumatic history, you're free to live your life in a calmer, more meaningful way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

See my articles: 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Asking For Forgiveness: The Power to Make Amends

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Father

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Parents

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Most people think that if they forgive someone who has hurt them, they're doing it for this person.  But getting to the point where you forgive someone is something that you do for yourself in order not to continue carrying around hurt and anger inside you.

When you've been hurt, you're not always ready to forgive the other person immediately.  This is normal, especially if the person really hurt or betrayed you.  It might take time--if you decide to forgive this person at all.

Psychological Stages of Forgiveness
Everyone is different, so even though I'm outlining these psychological stages of forgiveness, recognize that each person goes through the process in his or her own unique way.  Also, the stages aren't necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between these different stages before you reach a resolution for yourself.

• Understand What Happened:  If you have been unexpectedly hurt or betrayed by someone close to you, it can be such a shock to you that you might need time to understand what happened.  Instead of being hasty before you know the details, make sure  you understand the situation and the circumstances.

• Understand Your Own Feelings About What Happened:  Once you've determined the details of what happened and you think you have the facts, you might not be sure how you feel about it initially, especially if the hurt or betrayal was unexpected.  You will probably need time to absorb what happened and sort out your feelings.  Take time before you say or do anything that you might regret, including "brushing things under the rug" because you don't want to deal with it (Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

• Be Aware That Complete Forgiveness Doesn't Usually Come All At Once:  Once you understand what happened and you've had time to sort out your feelings, you might have an intention to forgive the other person.  But despite your intention, complete forgiveness might not happen all at once.  Forgiving someone for a very hurtful situation usually happens from surface to depth.  In other words, you make a commitment to yourself and the other person that you want to accept an apology, but that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal between the two of you.  It might be a while (if ever) before you trust this person again.

• Be Clear On What You Mean When You Say You Accept an Apology:  If you still need time before you resume your relationship with this person, tell him or her this.  Let the other person know that this will be a process for both of you.  Or, if you have decided that the hurt or the betrayal was so great that you can't continue the relationship, you can accept the apology without an understanding that "everything is back to normal" and try to have closure, if possible (see my articles: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal and Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss).

• Don't Use the Forgiveness Process as a Power Play:  Whether or not you decide to forgive the person who hurt you is up to you.  As I mentioned earlier, the process of forgiveness is for you, not the other person.  But if you know that you want to eventually forgive this person, don't use this as a power play by holding your forgiveness over the other person's head as a bargaining chip.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some situations, especially in cases of major betrayal or abuse, where you might be confused as to how you feel and what you want to do.

If you've tried to get clear on your own feelings and you're still confused, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While you don't have to continue to have this person in your life if it will make you unhappy, holding onto anger and resentment is only going to hurt you more (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Rather than allowing hurt and anger to eat away at you, you could work through your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the situation and provide you with the necessary tools for you to have closure and move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the psychological stages of forgiveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Taking Care of Yourself When Your Spouse is Depressed

In a prior article,  Is Your Spouse Depressed?, I focused on being with a spouse who is depressed. In this article, my focus will be on you and how to take care of yourself if your spouse is suffering with depression (see my articles: How Do We Balance Our Own Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?, Are You Concerned About Your Spouse's Depression? and Caregiving For a Depressed Parent as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult).

Taking Care of Yourself When Your Spouse is Depressed 

Although you might be primarily focused on your spouse, you also need to take care of yourself or you could compromise your own psychological and physical health, and you won't be helpful to your spouse.

Taking Care of Yourself When You're Married to a Depressed Spouse

• Be Aware That You'll Need to Take Extra Care of Yourself:  Being around a depressed loved one can be exhausting mentally and physically, which is why it's so important to take extra care of yourself.  Eating nutritious food, exercising, getting enough sleep, and seeing your doctor for regular appointments are among the self care activities that will help you (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish? and Tips For Staying Calm During Stressful Times).

• Develop Your Own Emotional Support System:  Although it may be obvious that your spouse needs help, when you're under the stress of being around a depressed spouse, you need emotional support too.  Close friends and supportive family members are important to maintain your own sense of well-being (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

• Accept Your Own Feelings:  While you're probably compassionate towards your spouse, inwardly, you might also feel a little resentful.  While it wouldn't be helpful to your spouse to harp on your resentment, it's important for you to know that this is a normal reaction, especially since you're probably under a lot more stress while your spouse is having a depressive episode.

• Recognize That You Can't "Fix" or Control Your Spouse:  You can encourage your spouse to get help, but you can't fix your spouse or make him or her get help.  It's one of the most frustrating things to contend with when their loved one is depressed:  You can't control it.  So, do what you can to encourage your spouse, which is different from nagging, but recognize that your spouse has to seek out help on his or her own (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

• Recognize That It's Not Your Fault:  Along with recognizing that you can't "fix" or control your spouse, recognize that it's not your fault that your spouse is depressed.  Depression occurs for many reasons, but no one can make someone depressed.  Be supportive, but don't try to take on your spouse's problem directly.

• Avoid Going Down the Rabbit Hole of Your Spouse's Distorted Thinking: Depression can distort judgment and thinking, so if your spouse is especially pessimistic about the present and the future, take a step back before you fall down the rabbit hole and buy into your spouse's distorted thinking.  If you do, it will only make the situation worse because then you'll both be mired in pessimism (see my article: Self Soothing Techniques to Use During Stressful Times, Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times and Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Set Boundaries With Your Spouse:  While your spouse is going through a depressive episode, s/he might find it hard to keep up with certain responsibilities.  That's understandable, but you can't take on everything.  This will take judgment and tact on your part.  Within reason and if possible, be honest about what you can and can't do, so you don't become depleted by taking on everything, especially if your spouse seems to be able to do more than s/he has been doing (Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Keeping You From Asserting Yourself?).

Getting Help in Therapy
Don't underestimate the toll that your spouse's depression can take on you--even if you're following all the recommendations that I've made above.

It would be easy for you to say that your spouse is the one who is depressed and so your spouse should get help in therapy, not you.

While it's true that your spouse could benefit from therapy, it doesn't negate the fact that you might also need more help than family and friends can provide, especially if they tend to be critical or unhelpful.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this difficult time so that you maintain your psychological and physical well-being.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional to get through this challenging time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to get through challenging times, including episodes of depression.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is Narcissistic

I've written about narcissism in previous articles (see my articles:  Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame, A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner: Where Did the Love Go?, Coping Strategies For Being in a Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner and How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age).  In this article, I'm focusing on breaking up with a person who is narcissistic.

The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is  Narcissistic

While breakups are never easy, breaking up with someone who is narcissistic has unique challenges:

Get Ready For an Emotional Roller Coaster

When you end a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, you can generally expect to experience an emotional roller coaster, especially if your ex doesn't want to end the relationship.  If you've already discussed the reasons why you want to end the relationship, your best course of action for your own self preservation is to have no further contact with your ex.  

Talking about the breakup over and over will be perceived by your ex as a chance to either convince you to take him or her back or, if he or she is convinced that you've made up your mind, s/he might become emotionally abusive and malign you to people that you know (The Breakup: When the Need For "Closure" Turns Into Harassment).

You might think that you know your ex, but going through a breakup with someone who is narcissistic can show you a whole other side of your ex that you didn't know existed.

Beware of Your Ex's Narcissistic Rage 

When things were going well between you, you might have only seen the charming and funny side of your ex.

But when people who are narcissistic feel wounded or abandoned, they often display narcissistic rage, which can be astounding to experience because your ex will probably see the breakup as a wound to his or her self worth and sense of self.

This often involves a dramatic unleashing of rage at you and possibly to other people in your life.

Your ex might demean you, call you names, tell people you know how much you hurt him or her, try to humiliate you and, generally, become hurtful and spiteful.

The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is Narcissistic: Beware of Narcissistic Rage

When someone is in a state of narcissistic rage, s/he usually can't be reasoned with without causing the situation to escalate.

The person who is narcissistic needs to be in control, and if you're the one who took the initiative to end the relationship, this will upset his or her sense of having control.

Your ex will probably want to have the last word about your relationship with you and with others.

Even if s/he praised you to others before, now s/he might say that s/he never really knew you until now and you're just a terrible person.

And don't be surprised if some people that you know end up believing your ex when s/he tells them how awful you are.  People who are narcissistic can be very convincing.

After you've talked to these people, rather than exhausting yourself emotionally and physically by defending yourself, let it go.  The more you struggle around these issues, the more gratifying it will be to your ex who wants to create chaos as part of the revenge.

How to Survive a Breakup With an Ex Who is Narcissistic

As I mentioned earlier, the volatility will only escalate if you keep trying to explain why you're ending the relationship, so it's best not to keep going over the same thing.  

End contact.  In the short term, this will probably infuriate your ex, but nothing will be accomplished by maintaining contact if you know you want to end the relationship.

You will need to set limits with your ex, especially if the emotional abuse seems like it might become physical.  If your ex makes physical threats, you will need to find out your rights with regard to a restraining order--although in most cases, it doesn't go this far.

In most cases, the person with a narcissistic personality will be looking around rather quickly for the next person who will make him or her feel good because the breakup can leave your ex feeling empty and low.

Once your ex finds someone else who will admire and idealize him or her, you probably won't hear from your ex again.

Getting Help in Therapy

Going through a breakup with someone who is narcissistic can be overwhelming, and you might need  help from a skilled psychotherapist to help you to get through it.

You can especially benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional if you have a pattern of choosing narcissistic romantic partners (see my articles: Choosing "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again, Falling For Charisma Instead of Character, and Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

It's important to understand the underlying issues involved so you don't keep making the same mistake (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy  and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek out help from an experienced therapist.

Making healthier choices for yourself will give you a greater sense of well-being and allow you to lead an healthier and happier life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy: A Powerful Combination to Overcome Trauma

In prior articles, I've discussed aspects of psychoanalysis as well as the benefits of using integrative therapy.

What is EMDR Therapy?

See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain 

EMDR Therapy for Big T and Smaller T Trauma.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the powerful combination of contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy.

A Powerful Combination: Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy

What is Contemporary Psychoanalysis?
This is a brief explanation of contemporary psychoanalysis, and I provide links below for books, specifically on a type of contemporary psychoanalysis called Relational psychoanalysis, for anyone who wants a more in-depth understanding of contemporary psychoanalysis.

Many people have the old stereotypical image of psychoanalysis as being the type of therapy where the client does all the talking while lying down on a couch and the psychoanalyst remains seated behind the client, quiet for long stretches at a time until she makes an interpretation to the client for the purpose of helping the client develop insight into his problems.

In the old stereotypical image of psychoanalysis, clients would come for multiple sessions per week, and this could go on for many years.  Also, the analyst tended to remain "abstinent" and "neutral" and did not self disclose anything personal.

Fortunately, very few psychoanalysts work this way any more.

Contemporary psychoanalysis is different from older forms of psychoanalysis.

For instance, I consider myself to be a Relational psychoanalyst, which is a form of contemporary psychoanalysis.

I work in an interactive, dynamic, empathetic and collaborative way with clients.

The number of times the client comes to therapy, whether the client sits up facing me or lays down on the couch or how long the client chooses to remain in therapy doesn't take away from the fact that I'm using contemporary psychoanalysis--even if I don't make interpretations.

Although I practice many different types of therapy, including EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, contemporary psychoanalysis informs my work in terms of the way I conceptualize the client's current problems, the importance of the unconscious mind and the transference aspects of therapy.

What is Relational Psychoanalysis?
Relational psychoanalysis is an integration of British Objects Relations, Self psychology and Interpersonal psychology.

In my professional opinion, this combination offers the best of contemporary psychoanalysis.

Stephen A. Mitchell, Ph.D. is recognized as the psychoanalyst who developed Relational psychoanalysis in the 1980s.

Stephen A. Mitchell and Jay Greenberg's book, Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory (1982) emphasized the importance of relationships.

Dr. Mitchell also wrote about Relational psychoanalysis in his book Relational Concepts in Psychoanalysis.

Combining Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy
As I've mentioned in a prior article, I integrate different types of therapy depending upon the client's needs.  This includes integrating contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy, as needed.

When clients come to therapy to overcome traumatic events in their life, it's important for them to understand how their history contributed to their problems and contemporary psychoanalysis provides this perspective.

It's also important that they understand how their unconscious mind affects their history, their relationships, their decision-making process and, possibly, how their unconscious creates obstacles to overcoming their problems (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Contemporary psychoanalysis, especially Relational psychoanalysis, allows clients to make these connections.

EMDR therapy, which was originally developed specifically to work on trauma, helps to process traumatic events so that they are no longer disturbing to clients.

Why is the Combination of Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy So Effective?
Contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy offer powerful therapeutic benefits separately.  But when they're combined for trauma therapy, they offer the client the in-depth insight of contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR's relatively faster way of processing trauma.

Among other aspects of EMDR therapy, EMDR helps clients to identify the negative beliefs that they have about themselves related to their trauma.  This negative belief is often rooted in family history and can often be found in many aspects of the client's life.

For example, the negative belief related to the traumatic memory might be "I'm unlovable," which is often part of other problems--not just the one that they're coming in to work on (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable for more details).

EMDR therapy often has generalizable effects, which means that the therapist and client don't have to work on every traumatic event related to the negative belief.

Contemporary psychoanalysis offers the client an opportunity to appreciate the depth of the negative belief as well as other aspects of the trauma.

EMDR therapy offers clients an opportunity to unlock information related to the trauma that is stored in a maladaptive way in the brain.  It allows for memory reconsolidation, which is one of the reasons why it works relatively quickly compared to other forms of trauma therapy.

Combining EMDR therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis provides the most powerful and effective aspects of in-depth therapy with relatively brief therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been suffering with unresolved psychological trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a trauma therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Resolving your trauma will free you from a history that has been keeping you stuck in your life.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you from maximizing your potential.

See my articles: 

The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherap

The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and the Positive Transference

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist with over 20 years of experience.

I work with individuals and couples.

For clients who are already in therapy with therapists who do not do EMDR therapy and who want to remain with their therapists, I also provide adjunctive EMDR therapy so that clients can remain with their therapists (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

I have helped many clients to overcome their traumatic history to lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

In a prior article, I discussed the effect of growing up in a family where you can't express your emotions (see my article:  Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome the Effect of Growing Up in a Family That Doesn't Talk About Their Feelings).  But there are also times when people try to avoid feeling their feelings and numb themselves emotionally because of a traumatic event in their life.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

In The Little Paris Bookshop: A Novel by Nina George, the protagonist, Jean Perdu, numbed himself for 20 years because of the loss of his relationship.  Rather than allowing himself to feel the pain of the breakup, he shuts down emotionally (see my articles:  Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings in a Healthy Way).

Not only has he numbed his feelings, but he literally locked the room in his apartment that held the the most poignant memories of his relationship from 20 years ago.

Even though Jean has a lot of empathy for others and he knows which books to recommend to heal them emotionally, he numbs himself to his broken heart and, for 20 years, he is unable to heal himself.

The effect of this emotional numbing is that he not only blocks the emotional pain, he also blocks out positive feelings.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

Although he is known and admired by many people, including his neighbors and people who go to his bookstore, he remains alone, lonely, cut off from himself and unwilling to deal with the past.

After he makes a surprising discovery, Jean embarks on a transformational journey to deal with the emotional effects of the past.

I won't provide any spoilers about what happened to Jean during his psychological journey, but I recommend reading the book for anyone who has ever experienced psychological trauma or contemplated dealing with past trauma.  Nina George portrays the effects of unresolved trauma poignantly and accurately.  The characters are also vivid and likable.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Psychological Trauma
Many people who suffer with unresolved trauma are hesitant about coming to therapy because they fear that trauma therapy will be too overwhelming (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Psychological Trauma

A skilled trauma therapist knows how to assess clients' traumatic experiences as well as their internal resources so that the work can be manageable.  This doesn't mean that there is no discomfort when working on unresolved trauma in therapy.  It just means that there is a recognition that the therapy must go at a pace that feels safe for clients (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When you numb yourself emotionally, you're not only blocking your traumatic experiences, like Jean Perdu, you're also blocking or muting any positive feelings that you might have, and this is a high price to pay in order to avoid dealing with trauma from the past.

Rather than avoiding the working through process in therapy, you owe it to yourself to get the help that you need.  Once you have worked through past trauma, you will feel more emotionally integrated and have a greater capacity to live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Considering Starting Over With You Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed

After a breakup, it's common for one or both people to consider whether they should get back together again.  While there are times when the two of you might have been hasty about breaking up, there are definitely times when you should consider thinking twice before getting back with your ex (see my articles: Toxic Relationships, Relationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer All, Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible, and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Considering Starting Over With Your Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed

Reasons to Think Twice About Getting Back With Your Ex

• You're Afraid to Be Alone:  Fear of being alone after a breakup is common, but if there were serious problems in the relationship, your fear shouldn't be the deciding factor in getting back with your ex (see my articles: Are Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?, On Being Alone, Solitude vs Loneliness, and Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

• You're Afraid That You'll Never Be in Another Relationship Again:  Related to fear of being alone, a fear that you'll never enter into another relationship can cause you to make a bad decision.

• You Only Want to Get Back With Your Ex For Sex:  This consideration by itself isn't a good enough reason for getting back together.  You might miss the sex, but ask yourself if it's worth getting back into a relationship where there were serious problems.

• You're in Denial About the Problems in Your Former Relationship:  Once fear, loneliness and hopelessness set in, it's very easy to fool yourself into minimizing the problems in your relationship.  Denial can be very powerful, and you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak (Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

• Nostalgia is Clouding Your Thinking About Your Former Relationship:  This is a form of denial (see above).  When you're nostalgic about a relationship that was unhealthy for you, it usually means that you're only thinking about the good times without considering the bad times.  But the reality is that if your relationship didn't work out because of unhealthy aspects, chances are that you're going to be facing those problems again after the initial stage of getting back together.

• You've Grown Accustomed to an On-Again-Off-Again Relationship:  You might not have liked the nature of your on-again-off-again relationship, but you might be used to it because the breakups happened so frequently.  These kinds of relationships rarely end well.  Even when you're both willing to get back together again, after a while, the unstable nature of the relationship erodes any good feelings.  After a while, even when you're in a "good phase"in the relationship, you know that a breakup will come again eventually (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On-Again-Off-Again Relationship).

• You're Jealous Because Your Ex is Dating Someone New:  This is definitely not a good reason to get back with your ex.  When you broke up, you each probably knew that you would both move on to seeing other people.  If you get back together with your ex to stop him or her from seeing other people, you're just going to end up back in the same place again.

Consider Thinking Twice Before You Get Back With Your Ex

There are lots of other reasons why you shouldn't get back together again, including emotional and physical abuse.

I think that deep down most people who end an unhealthy relationship know that they shouldn't get back with their ex, but they might not be admitting it to themselves.

When you know that your relationship was unhealthy for you and you still want to get back with your ex, there are usually other underlying reasons that might be out of your awareness.

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people who come to see me about unhealthy relationships have already talked to their friends so many times about it that their friends are tired of hearing about it.

Hearing your friends tell you to "Just don't call him" or "Just don't call her" and hearing the exasperation and judgment in their voices can make you feel very ashamed.

Your friends are probably not going to understand the underlying reasons that are causing you to want to get back into an unhealthy relationship, so it's important to get help in therapy before you make a mistake and get hurt again.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the underlying reasons and provide you with tools to take care of yourself so you can make better decisions for yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than having conversations with your friends that go in circles or suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help from a licensed psychotherapist will help you to making healthier choices and feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to develop insight into their problems, make healthier relationship choices, and develop healthier self esteem.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

You usually don't get to really know someone that you're seeing until you've been with them for a while.  During the initial "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, everything might seem like it's going well.  

But with increased emotional intimacy, core emotional issues begin to come up, and that's when there might be signs that you're in a toxic relationship. 

See my article: 

Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

• Controlling Behavior: What might appear to be concern at first might actually be controlling behavior.  If you're romantic partner needs to always know where you are, whom you're with or makes attempts to control your behavior in other ways, this is a red flag for a toxic relationship.

• Excessive Jealousy:  This often goes along with controlling behavior.  Initially, it might come across as your partner being so in love with you, but excessive jealousy has nothing to do with love--it has all to do with your partner's insecurity.

• Excessive Judgment and Criticism: Your partner might mask signs of excessive judgment and criticism as "suggestions," but if these so-called suggestions undermine your sense of self worth, it's another red flag that you're in a toxic relationship.  This often goes along with controlling behavior and excessive jealousy (see my article: Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?).

• Emotional Abuse: Excessive judgment, criticism, name calling, efforts to undermine your self esteem are forms of emotional abuse.  If your partner exhibits these behaviors, you're being emotionally abused.  Needless to say, physical abuse is dangerous and if your partner is physically abusing you, you should get out of that relationship as soon as possible (see my article: Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Seem "Normal" to You).

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

• Lack of Emotional Support:  If your partner tends to be unable to be there for you emotionally when you're going through a hard time, this is a sign that you're not getting the emotional support that you need and you're probably in a toxic relationship.

• Taking and No Giving: Related to lack of emotional support is the romantic partner who tends to want to take emotional support from you but who is unwilling to give you emotional support.  If you're in this situation, your relationship is one-sided and toxic.

• Constant Drama: Constant drama can be emotionally and physically draining.  There are often other underlying issues going on that you might never figure out.  In any case, emotional drama requires a lot of effort and attention and it often accomplishes nothing.  This is a sign that you're in an unhealthy, toxic relationship (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

• Constant Disappointment: If your romantic partner is unable to keep promises and commitments, you're going to be constantly disappointed.  This is a sign that your partner isn't emotionally reliable, and it's a bad sign for a relationship (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Your Promises).

• Constant Lies, Including Lies of Omission:  Few things are worse for a relationship than dealing with constant lies.  Lies, including lies of omission, are toxic and can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission).

These are some of the major red flags for a toxic relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, these signs usually don't show up until the relationship has become more emotionally intimate because intimacy tends to bring up core issues for people.

Getting Help in Therapy
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step.  Knowing what to do after you recognize these signs is another matter.

It's possible that, even though you recognize these signs, you're ambivalent about getting out of the relationship--even though you know it's unhealthy for you.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand what keeps you stuck in an unhealthy relationship and how to take care of yourself (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Struggling on your own can make you feel worse about yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own or relying on friends who tell you unhelpful things like, "Just get out!," get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has helped other clients to overcome this issue.  Not only will you resolve your problem, but you'll feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Related Articles
Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

The Problem With Trying to Change or "Improve" Your Romantic Partner

Relationships: I'll Change Him/Her After We Get Married.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

In prior articles, I've discussed the challenges of making changes in your life--even changes that you really want. 

See my articles: 

Fear of Change

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Overcoming Resistance to Change  

Making Changes: One Step at a Time, Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Developing the Courage to Change

In this article, I'm focusing on overcoming emotional obstacles that get in the way of making the changes that you want.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

Change is inevitable in life--both wanted and unwanted change.  While it may be logical to you why you resist making changes that you don't want, it might not be so obvious why you're struggling to make changes that you do want.

Let's take a look at some of the most common obstacles to making changes:

Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Unresolved Emotional Issues:  Unresolved emotional issues from childhood often get in the way of making changes.  If you have a longstanding belief that you're undeserving or incapable of having good things in your life, you're going to be in conflict with yourself about making changes that you want.  Similarly, if you feel powerless because of unresolved trauma, you will probably struggle to take the initiative to bring about change (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present,  ).

• Negative Habits:  Unresolved emotional issues often develop into negative habits like: negative self talk, procrastination, disorganization and other similar habits.  These negative habits become so ingrained that it's often difficult for you to see them.  Even when you see them and want to change them, it can very challenging.  For example, if you grew up feeling that you don't deserve positive things in your life, one of your habits might be an internal critic that continues to reinforce these thoughts and feelings.  After a while, these thoughts and emotions can become beliefs that are hard to challenge (see my article:  Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking and Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

• Negative People in Your Life:  Whether they're family members or friends, negative people in your life who reinforce your unresolved emotional issues and negative habits make it harder for you to change.  When you have negative people around you reinforcing the negative beliefs that you have about yourself, you're struggling with both internal and external challenges (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life and Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship).

So, if these are the main obstacles to making changes, how do you overcome these obstacles?  Let's take a look:

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Step Back From Your Unresolved Problems and Become Aware of Their Effect on You:  If you've grown up with certain negative beliefs about yourself, you might not even question whether they're true or not.  That's why it's so important to step back so you can become aware of how unresolved problems, especially longstanding problems, are affecting you.  Awareness and acknowledgement are the first steps.  This isn't about blaming your parents or yourself--it's about trying to be more objective.  And, once you've become aware of your problems and acknowledge them, consider whether there are things you can do now to try to resolve them (see my articles: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

• Be Honest With Yourself About Negative Habits:  Once you've gained some insight into your problems, be honest with yourself about the negative habits that you've developed due to your unresolved problems.  For instance, do you tend to procrastinate when you're fearful of undertaking a certain task or goal?  Does the negative voice inside your head convince you that it's not worth making the effort because you're only going to fail, so why even try?  Once again, this isn't about blame--its about acknowledging what is and trying to find a way to change it.  Maybe you can choose one negative habit that you would like to change and work on that rather than trying to change all your negative habits at once (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination, Overcoming the "I'm Too Old To Change" Mindset and Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Passive Behavior).

• Re-evaluate the Negative People in Your Life:  When you think about who you let into your inner circle, do you have a lot of people who are reinforcing your already negative views about yourself?  In some ways, maybe you feel comfortable with these negative people because they reinforce your already negative views and also reinforce your propensity not to take risks.  But making changes often involves taking certain risks, so be honest with yourself as to how these people are affecting you.  This doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life (although you might decide to do that).  It could also mean that maybe they're not in the inner circle, and you include supportive people in your inner circle instead.

But you might take these steps and still feel like you're stuck in a rut (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps).  Then what?

It's possible that you might have unconscious thoughts and feelings that are getting in your way.  Since these thoughts and feelings are unconscious, it's hard to detect them on your own.  You might get glimpses of them in your dreams or even in your daydreams, but most of the time they will elude you (see my article: What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?).

Getting Help in Therapy
When you're trying to overcome obstacles to making changes in your life and you're unable to do it on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome these obstacles, especially ones that you're not aware of because they're unconscious (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life: Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled therapist can help you to identify these obstacles and provide you with the tools to overcome them.

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help in therapy can help you to make positive changes in your life so that you can lead a happier and more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.