The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

Many people identify a sense of humor as an important trait they seek in partners when they're dating.  

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

People often include a sense of humor as one of their attributes as well as an attribute they're seeking in a potential partner in their dating profile (see my article: Why is a Good Sense of Humor So Attractive in a Partner?).

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

Humor and laughter play a powerful role in long term relationships (see my article: The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health) including:

• Strengthening the Bond in a Relationship: Shared humor and laughter can increase closeness and connectedness to strengthen the bond in a relationship.

• Improving Communication: When two people can laugh together, they often overcome barriers to communication. Humor can help a couple to talk about difficult topics when humor is used in an appropriate way.

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

• Reducing Stress: Laughter increases endorphins which improves mood and reduces stress.

• Building Resilience: Laughter can have a positive impact on a person's overall sense of well-being. It can also help a couple to build resilience in their relationship.

How to Increase Laughter in Your Relationship

Stress and anxiety can make it difficult to find humor in everyday situations, especially if a couple is trying to balance family and work obligations (see my article: Balancing Your Personal Life and Your Career).

Even when you're going through stressful times, you can take steps to create an opening for humor:

• Gentle Teasing: Well-time light hearted teasing can help you and your partner to relax, laugh and enjoy each other's company.

• Playfulness and Flirting: When you flirt with your partner in playful ways, you can enjoy each other's company and even improve your sex life (see my articles: What is Rec-Relational Sex? and Try a Little Playfulness in Your Relationship).

The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships

• Silliness: You and your partner can share silly moments, including telling jokes or funny stories, to add humor to your relationship.

• Remember Funny Moments Together: When you and your partner recall fun times together, you're sharing moments in your life that felt good for both of you. This can strengthen the bonds between you.

• Play Fun Games Together: Taking the time together to play fun games together can help you both to laugh, relax and enjoy each other's company.

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of humor and playfulness is often a sign of relational problems for couples.

If you and your partner have problems you have been unable to resolve on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

        See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is a Good Sense of Humor So Attractive?

A good sense of humor is sexually appealing to most people.  It's one of the qualities that's often mentioned in dating profiles as an attractive quality in a potential partner.

A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Very Attractive

This article will explore what makes a good sense of humor, why it's so sexually appealing, and how you can develop a healthy sense of humor to enhance your social skills.

What is a Good Sense of Humor?

First, let's distinguish well-intentioned humor from mean-spirited humor.  

Unfortunately, a lot of humor today is mean spirited.  It's based on getting a laugh at someone else's expense, which is a form of bullying.  

Well-intentioned humor, on the other hand, makes people feel good.  It makes people laugh without hurting their feelings.  

Well-Intentioned Humor Doesn't Hurt Others' Feelings

A good sense of humor is a valued social trait.  Conversely, an undeveloped sense of humor often means undeveloped social skills, and it can put someone at a social disadvantage.

In some cases, having a good sense of humor means entertaining people and making them laugh.  But more often than not it means having the ability to see humor in every day life.  

People with a good sense of humor tend to:

• Be Creative
• Think Outside the Box
• Bring a Different Perspective to Situations
• Have a Lighthearted Attitude
• Be Resilient
• Be Adaptable
• Be Conscientious (they don't try to get a laugh from mean-spirited jokes)
• Cope With Stress Better
• Laugh More and Others Laugh With Them
• Benefit in Terms of Their Health and Mental Health (see my article: The Benefits of Laughter For Health and Mental Health)

What is the Connection Between a Good Sense of Humor and Sexiness?

Flirting, pleasant teasing, playfulness, creativity, self confidence and intelligence are all qualities that most people find sexually appealing:

• Humor and Flirting: Flirting is driven by emotions and instinct rather than logic. Flirting and pleasant teasing often signal sexual interest.  Flirting can be used to gauge someone's sexual interest in you. It can also ease tension between people. In addition, flirting stimulates the nervous system with increased blood flow and the release of adrenaline.  

Flirting and Healthy Teasing

• Humor and Playfulness: Humor and playfulness can create a strong bond between two people.  Being able to laugh together also helps people to feel more comfortable with each other.  Playfulness is also fun and sexy when you're attracted to someone and you sense they're attracted to you.

• Self Humor and Confidence: Being able to laugh at yourself shows self confidence, which is sexually appealing to most people.  

Humor and Self Confidence

• Humor and Intelligence: Intelligence is an important quality for most people when they are seeking a romantic partner.  For many people, especially people who identify themselves as sapiosexual (people who find intelligence to be sexually arousing), intelligence is essential. But for most people intelligence is not as important as a good sense of humor.  According to Psychology Today, people with a good sense of humor are usually intelligent, but intelligent people don't necessarily have a good sense of humor.  

Developing a Good Sense of Humor

If you want to develop a better sense of humor:

• Learn to listen and observe people who have a good sense of humor and who know how to banter.

• Be aware that to be humorous in a well-intentioned way can signal that you're friendly.  It can also be flirty and signal that you're attracted to someone.

• Learn how to respond to other people's humor, especially if you're someone who tends to be easily offended and jump to conclusions by taking things personally.  This doesn't mean that if someone makes a joke that's offensive you need to pretend that it's funny. But before you react, pause and ask yourself if it's likely this person wanted to offend you.  After you take a pause, you can decide how to respond.  If you still find the other person's humor offensive, let them know you don't appreciate it in a tactful way.

• Learn to be funny without being offensive.  Jokes, stories or statements that are racist, homophobic, sexist, ageist, or that are at other people's expense, aren't funny, so avoid them.  Like any other social skill, you'll need to observe others and practice taking a risk by putting yourself out there.

Conclusion

Sexual attraction is influenced by many individual factors, including psychological, cultural, genetic, conscious and unconscious factors.

An undeveloped sense of humor often signals undeveloped social skills. 

A good sense of humor can enhance sexual attractiveness.  People often want to be around someone with a good sense of humor because their humor is fun and it makes them good about themselves.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved emotional problems, you might be struggling socially.  This makes it difficult to meet and socialize with others.

Seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

You've probably heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" which hints at the physical and mental health benefits of laughter.  In the past, I wrote an article, Humor Can Be Helpful in Psychotherapy, which explored how humor can sometimes increase the effectiveness of therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on how laughter benefits both your physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health
Laughter is beneficial for your mind and your body because it:

• strengthens your immune system
• elevates your mood
• reduces pain
• protects you against the harmful effects of stress
• inspires hope
• helps you to connect and bond with others
• keeps you grounded
• relaxes your body
• eases stress and anxiety
• strengthens resilience (see my article: Developing Resilience)
• diffuses anger
• reduces inhibitions
• helps you to feel recharged and energized
• increases your ability to use your imagination and increases creativity (see my article: Using Positive Imagination to Cope)

Adults Need to Seek More Opportunities For Laughter
Most children tend to laugh many times a day.  However, adults tend to be more serious, and they don't laugh as much as children. Therefore, adults, who want the health and mental health benefits of laughter, need to seek out more opportunities to laugh.

You can seek out these opportunities to include more laughter in your life by:

• watching a funny movie or TV show
• watching standup comedy
• playing games with friends
• spending time with people who are funny
• playing with your pet
• reading a funny story
• sharing a funny cartoon with friends 
• engaging in laughing yoga
• being grateful for what you have
• being "silly"
• taking an improv class
• sharing true stories about yourself with others (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)

Examples of How to Bring More Laughter Into Your Life

Sue
After realizing that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, Sue decided to join an improv class, which was recommended by a friend. She had never taken an improv class before and, initially, she felt intimidated. But on her first day of class, she discovered that most other people in the class had never done improv or any type of comedy before, and they were feeling just as inhibited as she was feeling. By the second class, she realized she really liked her instructor, who made learning improv fun easy.  So, after a while, Sue opened up more and allowed herself to just have fun. She realized that she had not laughed so much in years, and she decided to take the next improv class when it was over.

Jim
Although he enjoyed painting in his free time, Jim found it to be too solitary an activity, especially since he already spent a lot of time on his own as an online editor.  He didn't look forward to spending even more time alone doing his artwork.  However, at the suggestion of a neighbor, he offered a free art class to the children in his apartment building, and while he was working with the children, he realized that not only were they having fun, but he was also having fun with them.  This group activity with children helped him to feel energized, and it allowed him to spend time alone doing his own artwork.

Conclusion
As mentioned above, there are many physical health and mental health benefits to laughter.

Sometimes, you need to experiment with different activities to find one that you enjoy.  If you approach this exploration with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, you'll discover an activity that's just right for you. In addition, you'll begin to experience the benefits of laughter.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I provide teletherapy, also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth for clients (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

Everyone experiences routine disappointments at some point in life (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?).  Disappointments are unavoidable.  The question isn't whether you will be disappointed but how well you can bounce back from disappointments.  The better you get at moving on from routine disappointments, the more resilient you become (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges).  In this article, I'm going to provide tips for rebounding from routine disappointments.

Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

5 Tips to Bounce Back From Routine Disappointments

• Focus on Gratitude:  Although you might be disappointed about what you didn't get or that life is unfair, you probably have other areas in your life that are positive.  So, rather than focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.  It might sound trite, but it will shift your mood, which is what you need to bounce back from a disappointment and not to wallow in it so that it colors everything in your life (see my articles: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?, Keeping a Gratitude Journal, and Getting Out of a Rut.

• Exercise at a Pace That's Right For You:  Movement helps to shift your mood.  Whether it's a sport, yoga or other types of exercise, movement will help you to lift your spirits (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

• Give Yourself Credit For Coping As Best As You Can:  Making any kind of effort after a routine disappointment deserves recognition, including self recognition.  Too often people don't give themselves credit for being able to handle disappointing situations.  As part of your self recognition, remember other times when you got through routine disappointments and how these disappointments didn't have a major impact on your life.

• Use Humor to Shift Your Attention and Lift Your Mood:  Watching funny movies, TV programs or listening or telling funny stories will release neurochemicals in your brain to shift your mood.  Don't underestimate what a change humor can make to help you to bounce back.  Having others join you can increase the benefit of using humor because humor is contagious.  Have you ever been in a crowd where people were laughing uproariously and you didn't even know what they were laughing about but their laughter made you laugh?  If so, then you know how powerful it can be to be in a group where there is humor.

• Set Goals For the Important Areas of Your Life:  Rather than focusing on your disappointment and what you don't have, take some time to reflect on what you want for your future in each area of your life (personal life, career, and so on).  Then, set broad goals for how you plan to succeed in each area.  After you write down your broad goals, narrow it down by writing what you need to do in the next year (or longer), what you need to do in the next six months, in the next month, next week, etc., so you make the steps concrete and realizable (see my article: What's Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?).

What If It's a Major Disappointment?
Notice that, until now, I've been emphasizing routine disappointments.  Routine disappointments are things that everyone faces in one way or another fairly often.

In other words, routine disappointments aren't life changing.  But there are disappointments that are much more significant and that are harder to overcome.

For instance, if you found out that a close friend that you trusted betrayed you, that's a major disappointment, especially if it causes an unbridgeable breach in your friendship (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).

To overcome major disappointments, all of the tips that I mentioned can be helpful, especially when you focus on what you're grateful for in life, but those tips aren't going to be enough for you to bounce back quickly because a major disappointment goes deep and hurts a lot.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you're having a hard time rebounding from a disappointment, you might need help from a psychotherapist to work through the disappointment, especially a major disappointment (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A major disappointment, like a betrayal of a spouse or a friend, can make you feel like your whole world is falling apart.  It can make you question your beliefs and your judgment.  It might even result in your questioning your plans and what you want to do in life.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from the emotional support and clinical expertise of a licensed mental health professional.   A skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome a major disappointment more effectively than you could on your own, so you can eventually move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome major disappointments so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

In prior articles, I addressed loneliness and social isolation from various perspectives (see my articles: On Being Alone and Solitude vs. Loneliness).  In this article, I'm focusing on steps that you can take to overcome loneliness.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

• Stay in the Present: It's so easy to ruminate about the past and things you think you did wrong, but as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you're not allowing yourself to be in the present.  Make an effort to let go of mistakes that you made and resentments you have against others.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Find Meaning and Purpose in Life: Rather than focusing on how lonely you are, think about what you can do make someone else's life better.  Maybe you can volunteer for a community group or in the local school.  When you feel you have a purpose in life, it helps you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely and isolated (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness: Get Active

• Get Active:  Running, walking, doing yoga or other healthy activities can help you to have more of a sense of well-being (always check with your doctor before you start any new physical activity).

• Discover a New Social Group:  Whether it's the local book club or some other social group, being part of a group where there's a shared interest can help to enliven you and increase your social network.

• Learn to Play Again: Humor and comedy can be so healing.  Whether you watch a funny movie, read a humorous book or find other ways to increase humor and playfulness in your life, learning to play again is an important step towards helping to decrease your sense of loneliness.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you've tried everything on your own to overcome loneliness, but longstanding unresolved psychological problems get in your way.

If this is the case, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to discover the possible underlying issues that keep you lonely and isolated.

Rather than continuing to be frustrated by obstacles in your way, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the impediments that are keeping you lonely and isolated so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Being in a relationship can be one of the most loving, gratifying and fulfilling experiences of your life. It can also be challenging.  Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Whether you're going through a good time or a challenging time, it's important to remember that all relationships need nurturing.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Often, people who are in relationships, especially long term relationships, forget that their relationship needs love and care.  Nurturing each other can make the difference between a relationship surviving a rough patch or not.

Here are some tips for nurturing your relationship:

Communicate in a Tactful and Honest Way
In the heat of an argument, it's easy to forget to be tactful.  And, yet, you might regret something that you say that you can't take back once it's out.  Even if you need to take a break from a heated argument, it's important to treat your spouse with respect and care.
See my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Developing Into Big Conflicts in Your Relationship

Provide Each Other with Emotional Support
Listening with empathy can make all the difference even if you can't change whatever your spouse is going through.  You both need to be there for each other.

Show Compassion
During difficult times, your relationship can degenerate fast if you're each blaming each other for your problems.  Put yourself in your spouse's shoes and think about how you would want him or her to respond in a similar situation and then show the same compassion that you would want.
See my article: Relationships: Moving Beyond the Blame Game

Express Gratitude
It's easy to take each other for granted, especially in a long term relationship.  No one wants to feel taken for granted, so express your gratitude to your spouse for the things s/he does or says
See my article:  Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse

Persevere Through Difficult Times
Along with providing each other with emotional support, it's important that you both remain committed to each other when things start to get rough.  Of course, this doesn't mean that you should put up with abusive behavior.  But, under normal circumstances, when life presents challenges in your relationship, your attitude to see it through together is important.

Admit When You're Wrong
If you realize that you've made a mistake, it's important to admit it, make amends and move on.  Holding onto an attitude of "I'm right" when you know you made a mistake will only make matters worse
See my article:  Relationships: The Courage to Admit You're Wrong

Have a Sense of Humor
In many situations, seeing the funny side of a situation can help lighten the mood and help you and your spouse to deal with a difficult situation.

Share Common Goals
One of the signs of a happy, healthy relationship is that both people share certain common goals.  This helps to make your relationship more meaningful.

Create Special Times Together
It's very easy to get bogged down with responsibilities and family obligations, but you and your spouse need to have time together for just the two of you.
See my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Nurturing Your Relationship:  Creating Special Times Together

Be Open to New Shared Experiences
It's easy to get into a rut in a long term relationship, so being open to new shared experiences can keep your relationship alive and fun.
See my article:  Being Open to New Experiences

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when couples go through tough times when they're unable to work things out for themselves.  During those times, it can be helpful to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to work through their problems.

When you seek help, you're acknowledging to each other that your relationship is important enough to make the commitment to attending couples counseling.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness

When you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to become bogged down with routines and responsibilities.  You can both get to the point where you feel so weighed down and bored that you forget the love and joy that brought the two of you together in the first place.  But you don't have to remain mired in old routines and boredom.  You can recapture some of the joy you felt in the early days of your relationship by bringing back fun and playfulness into your relationship.

Remember What It Was Like to have Fun in Your Relationship?  Try a Little Playfulness

A relationship that's serious all the time isn't enjoyable.  Over time, irritability, anxiety and a sense of being overwhelmed can erode an otherwise good relationship.

If the mood between you and your spouse tends to be heavy and serious all of the time, you're bound to become annoyed and impatient with each other.  This can lead to boredom, arguments and a feeling of estrangement between the two of you.

If this is what's happening to you and your spouse, you need to put some fun back into your relationship.

Remember "Fun?"
Do you remember what it was like to have fun with your spouse?  No?  Think back to what the two of you enjoyed doing in the past.

Over time, have you stopped doing the activities that were fun and nurturing in your relationship?

If so, maybe now is the time to talk to your spouse and choose a few activities that you used to like to do in the past and make plans to do them again.

Did you used to like to go dancing, biking or ice skating?  Have you given up these activities over time because you let all of your routines crowd them out of your schedule?

Why not make time for at least one of those activities and bring some light hearted fun back into your relationship?

Mary and Bob (a composite vignette of many cases):
Bob and Mary were married for over 25 years when they came to my psychotherapy private practice in NYC.

Their only son, Bill, moved out of state the year before to take a full time job after he graduated college.

Even though they loved their son dearly, prior to his moving out, they had been looking forward to the day when he would be on his own.  But when that day came, they both felt unprepared for the changes that it brought.

They felt a little awkward around each other without Bill at the dinner table every night talking excitedly about his plans for the future.  Neither of them realized, until he was gone, how much their lives centered around their son's life.  And now that he was gone, they each felt a void (see my article: Coping With the Empty Nest Syndrome).

At first, they each filled their spare time with individual projects around the house.  But, after a while, they realized that they were avoiding each other.  Neither of them felt any animosity towards the other.  They just felt that, aside from Bill being gone, "something was missing" from their relationship.

After a few sessions, it became evident that both of them were bored and they felt they didn't have much to look forward to in their relationship.

It was clear that, basically, they had a solid relationship--they just needed to learn to bring some fun and playfulness back into their relationship.  But when I mentioned this to them, they both looked at me as if I had lost my mind!  Bob turned away, and Mary said in a sarcastic tone, "Fun?  What's that?"

Undaunted, I persisted to recite back to them what they told me their average week was like:  Go to work, come home, have dinner, do chores, zone out in front of the TV, and go to bed.  Weekends were loaded with more chores and more mindless TV.  And neither of them could even remember the last time they had sex.

After they heard me reflect back their routines, they both agreed that it was no wonder that they each felt cranky and bored.

So, we began exploring what they each liked to do when they first got together.  We started with the ground rule that they each had to be respectful of what the other person brought up.  No groans or eye rolls.

After a few false starts where neither of them could remember what they liked to do in the early days, Mary said, somewhat sheepishly with a nervous laugh, "We used to have a lot of sex."  Bob looked away in embarrassment, so I told him that it's important to be able to talk about sex in couples counseling (see my article:  The Importance of Talking About Sexual Problems in Your Psychotherapy Sessions).

I often use humor, when appropriate, in therapy sessions (see my article: Humor Can Be An Effective Tool in Therapy).  Humor helped Bob and Mary to open up more and come up with suggestions of things they used to like to do as well as some new activities they wanted to try.

Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness

They even began to make some tentative attempts to flirt with each other, awkwardly at first, and then with more ease.

Flirtation, which is a form of playfulness, helped them to rekindle their sex life, which was emotionally and physically gratifying for both of them.

After a few months, they looked like a different couple--more gregarious and even younger looking.  They were worrying less about their chores (Mary even joked about not worrying about the "dust bunnies" under the couch as she normally would before) and having more fun.

Putting Fun and Playfulness Back in Your Relationship

Not only were they having more fun, but they felt closer to each other than they had in many years.

Tips For Bringing Back Fun and Playfulness Into Your Relationship
Have you and your spouse forgotten how to have fun?

Here are some suggestions:

Bring humor back into your relationship:

• Watch funny movies
• Go to a comedy club
• Play games
• Tell jokes
• Change your perspective and try to see the humorous side to life's small challenges
• Learn to laugh more
• Allow yourself to be "silly" without judging yourself or your spouse

Choose activities that you both enjoy:

• Dust off those dancing shoes and hit the dance floor
• Go for a walk out in nature
• Take cooking lessons
• Learn yoga
• Sign up for art classes

Lighten Up:

• Don't get into arguments over petty issues
• Do role plays where you pretend to be different people
• Use your imagination and get creative

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Some couples need help to get out of their own way in order to bring back fun and playfulness into their relationship.

Sometimes, there are certain issues that need to get worked out in the relationship before each person can feel comfortable with letting go to have fun.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If this is the case in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples and who has experience with helping couples to learn to have a loving and fulfilling relationship again.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of the most common responses that I get when I ask clients what caused their relationship to end is: "We grew apart."

Relationships:  Are You and Your Partner Growing Apart?

Often, people tell me this and they don't really understand what happened and why they grew apart.  Most of the time, it seems to be a gradual process where the two individuals in the relationship slowly start to spend less time together and, when they're together, they're not as engaged with each other as they once were.

What Are Some of the Signs That You and Your Spouse Might Be Growing Apart?

There's a Decrease in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
There's an old saying, "Sex is the first thing that goes" and, generally, this is usually the case with many relationships where people grow apart from each other.

While it's usually true that people are less sexual after the first year or two, if a decrease in sexual intimacy gets to the point where you and your spouse's sexual life is almost non-existent, this is usually a sign that the two of you are growing apart.

Aside from sexual intimacy, when people in a relationship grow apart, there's often a decrease in emotional intimacy.  You're not sharing your feelings with each other as much as you used to do.

There are so many distractions, TV, cellphones, iPads, and so on, that it's easy to distract yourself from your partner by getting immersed in these distractions instead of paying attention to your spouse (see my article: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Electronic Gadgets to Spend Quality Time Together .

The Two of You Are Spending Less Time Together
This is related to a decrease in sexual and emotional intimacy.  Often this happens because the individuals in the relationship are bored with each other and look to find other outlets (staying late at work, spending more time with other people, having affair) instead of spending time with their spouse.

The Romance is Gone
No one expects that you'll be as passionate in a long term relationship as you were when you first got married, but when you and your spouse are growing apart, there usually aren't even romantic gestures any more.  Both people might be "going through the motions," which usually isn't fulfilling to either person.

The Fun is Gone Out of the Relationship
Humor is an important part of life, especially in a long term relationship.  Having a sense of humor and the ability to have fun enriches the relationship and helps couples to weather the challenges in any relationship.

You're Bickering Has Increased Over Petty Issues
When people are growing apart, they often feel frustrated with each other.  This can lead to bickering over petty issues.

Are the Two of You Growing Apart in Your Relationship?

If you and your spouse are bickering and there's a voice in your head that says, "Why are we arguing about this petty issue?" it's often because the bickering is a symptom of two people who are growing apart.  Whatever precipitated the bickering, it's usually not about whatever you're arguing about.  It's usually indicative that there are other things going on that you and your spouse aren't addressing.

In my next article, I'll discuss what you and your spouse (or partner) can do if you realize you're growing apart and you both want to get closer to each other (see my article: Relationships: How to Get Closer When You Have Grown Apart).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel that you and your spouse are beyond the point where you can repair your relationship on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who works with couples, a therapist who has expertise in helping couples get closer and who can be objective.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resilience: Tips on Coping with Life's Inevitable Ups and Downs

A few years ago, I had an opportunity to talk to a friend's elderly mother about her resilience and I wrote about it in my blog post called Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges.

Today, I would like to focus on the topic of resilience and provide some tips on how you can learn to become more resilient so you can cope with life's inevitable ups and downs.

Resilience: Tips on Coping With Life's Ups and Downs

Tips on Coping With Life's Ups and Downs:
Manage Your Stress:  Stress is an inevitable part of life.  It's important that you manage your stress so that you don't become overwhelmed by being in a constant state of stress.  Here are some suggestions:

• Exercise Regularly: Whether your regular exercise is walking, stretching, running, going to the gym, taking an exercise class or doing yoga, regular exercise that's the right level for you and that you enjoy can make all the difference in managing your stress and elevating your mood.

• Meditate:  Spending at least a few minutes a day meditating can also help relieve stress.  There are many different ways to meditate.  I usually teach my psychotherapy clients to do a meditation called the Safe Place meditation (also called the Relaxing Place meditation).  See my blog article:  Wellness: Safe Place Meditation for more details on how you can learn to do relatively simple, enjoyable meditation.

• Use Humor to Have Fun:  Most people don't usually equate psychotherapy with having fun, but in my blog article, Humor Can Be an Effective Tool in Psychotherapy, I discuss how many of my clients, who are starting to feel better, can often see the humorous side of a situation that they might not have been able to see before.  When it's used in a tactful way, humor can be an effective way of managing stress and building a sense of resilience.  A sense of humor can be a great source of inner strength and fun.

• Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle:  Eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep, and reducing your alcohol intake are all part of a healthy lifestyle.  In a prior blog article, Tips For Self Care for Caregivers, I discuss the importance of self care. The article focuses on caregivers, but most of the tips that I give can apply to anyone.

• Build Up Your Self Esteem:  How you feel about yourself can affect how you deal with life's ups and downs.  If you're putting yourself down and engaging in negative self talk, it's going to be that much harder for you to deal with the stressors in your life.  In two prior blog articles that I wrote, Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery and Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?, I address these issues and provide some tips on how to boost your self esteem.

• Keep Things in Perspective:  Ask yourself:  How many times have you worried about a particular problem only to find that the problem isn't as bad as you thought?  Worrying about the problem didn't help, and it might have actually gotten in the way of your being able to problem solve.  Being able to keep things in perspective can help you become more aware of what's really important to you and what's not.  Sometimes, you have to let go of certain things that, in the long run, really aren't that important.  In my blog article, Accepting the Things You Cannot Change and Having the Courage to Change the Things You Can, I discuss this important concept which is a central part of most recovery programs.  In my blog article, Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?, I discuss how you can learn to let go of routine disappointments so you're not constantly overreacting.

• Find Meaning in Your Life:  In my blog article, A Search For a Meaningful Life, I discuss Victor Frankl, a psychoanalyst who was developed Logotherapy and who has been an inspiration to millions of people.  Dr. Frankl was a holocaust survivor.  Even at the lowest point in his life while he was in a Nazi concentration camp and he thought his beloved wife was probably dead, he found meaning in the every day things of life.  His attitude was that although his captors could imprison his body, they couldn't imprison his mind. Finding meaning in your life is often a matter of becoming more aware of the things you have to be grateful for, even in the midst of adversity.  Most of us have never had to go through the ordeals that Victor Frankl endured, so it's worthwhile to ask yourself what you're focusing on:  Do you tend to focus on the negative to the exclusion of seeing the positive things in your life?

• Stay Connected With Your Emotional Support System:  Having supportive friends and family can make a tremendous difference when it comes to managing stress.  Talking about things that are bothering you can help alleviate stress.  At the same time, it's important to choose wisely when it comes to talking about your problems.  You want to choose people that you trust and that you know have your best interests at heart.

A Short Scenario of Being Resilient and Coping With Life's Ups and Downs:

Mary:
Mary is a friend who is a hospital emergency room social worker.  She has one of the most stressful jobs you can have in health care, and she's been doing this job for over 15 years.  Everyday she deals with a steady stream of patients who are in crisis either physically or mentally.

Mary told me that she has seen many other ER social workers with a lot less time on the job who have crashed and burned under the unrelenting stress.  So, I asked her how she has been able to deal with her stressful job at the same time that she is raising a family, and the things she told me are the same tips that I've provided above.

First:  Mary starts everyday by either going to the gym or going for a long walk before she gets to her job.  On the days when she doesn't have time to get to the gym, she gets off the subway one stop before her regular train stop and walks the rest of the way.  It takes her an extra 15 minutes, but she feels it's worth it in terms of managing her stress.

Second:  During her lunch hour, she finds an empty office and listens to guided meditation recordings that help her to relax.  She told me, "I can feel my whole body start to relax as I listen to the meditation and feel myself being transported to a relaxing place in my mind."

Third:  Mary told me that it's very tempting, especially when she's busy, to grab whatever junk food she  might find at the lobby news stand, but she makes sure she brings a healthy lunch with her so she's not tempted to eat junk, which might be momentarily gratifying, but will make eventually pack on the pounds.

Fourth:  Mary and her colleagues spend time, even if it's a few minutes, talking about their day.  They also usually find something funny to joke about to relieve stress.

Fifth:  Mary has a lot of good close friends that she talks to on a regular basis.  She has even maintained college friendships. She has also developed new friendships among colleagues.  She has one of the best emotional support systems of all the people that I know.

Sixth:  Since Mary has been a competent ER social worker for a long time, so she has a good sense of her self worth.  Even when she might be dealing with a difficult administrator, she maintains her cool and keeps her sense of perspective.

There are times when there are fatalities in the ER, which are difficult for everyone.  But Mary has learned to deal with these traumatic incidents by asking herself if she did everything possible that she could to help the patient.  If she knows she did everything she could, she doesn't blame herself.  She and her colleagues also support one another through those difficult times.

Seventh:  Last, but not least, Mary finds a lot of meaning in her personal life as well as in her career.  On most days, she feels grateful for the loving people and good things in her life.  Although she isn't part of a formal religion, she has a sense of spirituality in nature, and she tries to be in nature as often as possible because she finds it nurturing.

Mary has had plenty of adversity in her life, but she has developed the capacity to bounce back because of her resilience and her strong support system.

Getting Help in Therapy
Not everyone is as fortunate as Mary to have developed resilience and have a strong support system.  Many people are struggling on their own and they haven't developed the resilience to deal with life's adversity.

Even people who have a strong support system often find that there are times in their lives when they need the help of a licensed mental health practitioner.

If you feel overwhelmed by your problems, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to become more resilient so they can overcome their problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many psychotherapy clients to overcome their problems so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Humor Can Be Effective in Psychotherapy

Humor can be effective in psychotherapy when the timing is right and when it's used in a tactful way. The therapist needs to know the client well enough to know how the client will respond to humor.  Sometimes, humor helps clients to develop a different perspective about their problem.

Humor as a Sign of Resilience
Over the years, many of my clients, as they have started to feel better, have come in with humorous stories about themselves.  Whereas in the past, the same event might have been overwhelming for them,  at that point in the therapy, they can poke fun at themselves and gain a different perspective on their situation.  It's often a sign of emotional resilience when clients can laugh at themselves in a good natured way.

Humor Can Be Effective  in Psychotherapy

Seeing a Funny Movie or Reading a Funny Book Can Be an Emotional Uplift

Clients who are anxious and depressed will often report that they feel uplifted by going to see a funny movie or reading a comical passage in a book.  Sometimes, that emotional uplift that they feel is enough to open them up to the possibility of overcoming certain obstacles that seemed too daunting before.

Sometimes, people are able to see the humorous side of an otherwise difficult situation.  Good examples of this can be found in books by David Sedaris, who is a master at poking fun at himself and finding humor in even the most dismal circumstances.

Charlie Chaplin's movies often combine pathos and humor.  An example of this would be his movie,  "Modern Times."

Humor Can Be a Bonding Experience Between a Client and a Therapist
Humor can be a bonding experience between a client and a therapist.  When used appropriately, it can open up a dialog between the client and therapist that might not have been possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: gwilmore via photopin cc

Resilience: Bouncing Back from Life's Challenges

I recently had an opportunity to talk to a close friend's 84 year old mother.  I'll call her Alice (not her real name).  Alice is one of the most resilient and optimistic people that I know.  She's an inspiring person to people who know her.  One of the most admirable things about Alice is that, despite the many challenges she's had in her life, she's always bounced back and learned from adversity. I wanted to hear from her how she remains so resilient and optimistic about life.

Resilience and Wisdom:  Bouncing Back

As I mentioned, Alice has faced many challenges and losses in her life, including the deaths of two her husbands, financial hardship while she was raising her children, and a bout with cancer when she was in her 50s (fortunately, she's been cancer free for more than 30 years).  So, it's not that she's led a charmed life at all. She knows what it's like to go through hard times.

When I asked her how she became so resilient, she laughed and had to think about it for a while.   Then, she told me that, from the time she was a child, her mother was a good role model.  She said that her mother, who raised five children on her own after her husband died when Alice was 12, always maintained a positive attitude about life.  

Alice said, "She always told us to take each day as it comes, neither dwelling in the past nor dwelling too much in the future."  This reminded me of the slogan from Alcoholics Anonymous about "one day at a time."  Alice told me that she felt many people spend too much time worrying about the "what if's" in life and worrying about "what might happen."  She said that one thing that she learned in her long life was that it makes no sense to her to dwell on regrets or, alternatively, to worry about the future.  She said, "Life is full of surprises that you can't anticipate, so why worry about it?"

Alice talked about living in the moment, another thing she learned from her mother, "No matter how busy she was, she would take a moment to notice things--whether it was the beauty of a flower or the crisp air of an autumn day."  She laughed and said her mother had never heard the term "mindfulness," but she was a mindful person who remained open to things around her, both positive and negative.

When she brought up regrets, I asked Alice if she had any regrets in life, anything that, if she could do over, she would.  She thought about it for a moment and then said that, for the most part, she didn't have regrets.  She felt that whatever experiences she had in life made her the person that she is and she learned from her experiences, so she couldn't regret them. 

Alice also told me that, after she was diagnosed with cancer, she became a lot more aware of her health.  She changed her diet.  She makes sure she gets plenty of sleep.  She also still walks 30 minutes every day to get exercise and fresh air.  She never smoked.  

One of the things I like most about Alice is that she has a great sense of humor and she's a great story teller.  Whenever we get together at my friend's home, Alice is usually at the center of the group telling stories and making us laugh.  She also laughs at herself.  She told me that she finds one of the best forms of "therapy" for her is watching funny movies.  Charlie Chaplin movies are among her favorites, especially because he combined humor with pathos.  

Another thing about Alice that impressed me is that she remains open and curious about life.  She loves to read, both fiction and nonfiction.  She's part of a book club in her neighborhood.  The people in the book club are a lot younger than her, but she enjoys their company and listening to their ideas.  She looks forward to learning and continuing to develop her mind.  And, she remains a very sharp and insightful person.

At the end of our conversation, Alice said to me, "Aren't you going to ask me how I feel about dying?" Her question surprised me, at first.  While it's obvious that someone in their 80s would have thoughts about death and dying, I hadn't planned to ask her about this.  She told me that she hoped she would live for at least a few more years in good health because there were still things she wanted to do.  Then she said, "But I'm not afraid to die. I've lived a good, long life.  What else could I ask for?"

We live in a time when our society reveres youth and beautiful appearances.  But I think we can all learn a lot from older people like Alice, who remain resilient, optimistic, curious, and open to life.   

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit:  Photo Pin