How to Build Your Self Esteem

What is Self Esteem?

Before we discuss how to build your self esteem, let's start by defining self esteem.

Building Your Self Esteem

Self esteem includes 

• A sense of self worth and value

• Self respect

• An overall sense of yourself

What Affects Your Self Esteem?

Your self esteem is shaped by many aspects including

• Early childhood experiences 

• Personal relationships and prior experiences

• Thoughts

• Relationships

• Motivation

• Resilience

• Acceptance of imperfections, mistakes and challenges

What Are the Key Aspects of Self Esteem?

• Self evaluation including your subjective thoughts and beliefs ("I am lovable" or "I am capable") and other feelings about yourself

Building Self Esteem

• A foundation of well-being that supports your mental health and relationships

What is the Difference Between Healthy Self Esteem vs Low Self Esteem?

Healthy Self Esteem: 

• You accept your strengths.

• You recognize areas where you need to improve and accept this with self compassion and without judgment.

• You are resilient to constructive criticism.

Low Self Esteem: 

• You experience self doubt.

• You might have a fear of failure. 

• You might engage in people-pleasing. 

• You might engage in negative self talk. 

• Other possible behavioral dynamics

How is Self Esteem Different From Self Confidence?

Self esteem and confidence are related; however, self esteem is your general sense of self worth and self confidence is usually related to certain skills.

For instance, your overall self esteem might be good, but you might feel less confident in your public speaking ability and more confident in your ability to solve problems.

How to Build Your Self Esteem

Building your self esteem includes:

A Healthy Mindset

• Practicing Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you would treat a loved one. 

Building Self Esteem

• Challenge Negative Self Talk: Become aware of your inner critic and reframe negative thoughts into more realistic positive thoughts.

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Focus on your own journey and progress instead of comparing yourself (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others).

• Identify Your Strengths: Write down your strengths and focus on them.

Actions and Habits

• Set Achievable Goals: Start small and celebrate your victories as you build momentum to bigger goals (see my article: Celebrate Your Success).

• Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy and you're good at.

Building Self Esteem

• Prioritize Self Care: Get enough sleep, eat nutritious meals, exercise at a pace that's right for you (see my article: Taking Time For Self Care).

• Be Assertive: Recognize the difference between healthy assertiveness and aggression (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Learn to set healthy boundaries and ask for what you need without guilt.

• Help Others: Volunteering and engaging in acts of kindness can give you a sense of purpose and meaning.

Relationships

• Choose Supportive People: Choose people who value you and treat you well.

Building Self Esteem

• Limit Negativity: Reduce your exposure to negative influences, including social media.

• Communicate With Trusted Loved Ones: Share your struggles with trusted loved ones to build connection and realize that others often struggle with the same problems.

Deeper Self Esteem

• Clarify Your Values: Understand what values matter to you (e.g., kindness, learning, connection and belonging).

• Take Action: Take steps to build your self esteem rather than waiting for it to happen.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried to build your self esteem and you feel stuck, rather than struggling alone, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome obstacles that are getting in your way.

Get Help in Therapy

Building your self esteem can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?

Many people don't understand the difference between being assertive and being aggression, so I think it's worthwhile to define each of these terms and differentiate them from one another.

Assertiveness vs Aggressive Behavior

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, feelings and boundaries with confidence, clarity and respect.  While being assertive, you're not diminishing or violating the rights of others.

What is Aggression?

Aggression attempts to control, manipulate or intimidate others to get your own way. This often violates boundaries and damages relationships.

What is the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggression?

Based on the descriptions above, the difference between assertiveness and aggression lies in whether you respect yourself and others, which would be assertiveness, or prioritizing yourself at the expense of others, which would be aggressive.

Let's take a closer look at the differences between assertiveness and aggression:

Intent: 

• Assertiveness seeks understanding, resolution and mutual respect. 
• Aggression is often fueled by a desire to control, win or punish.

Respect For Others:

• Assertive behavior seeks to consider the needs of others while expressing your own needs. 
• Aggressive behavior often disregards the needs and feelings of others.

Emotional State:

• Assertiveness is usually calm, rational and firm. 
• Aggression is usually emotionally charged and accompanied by anger or contempt.

Focus:

• Assertiveness focuses on the problem using "I" statements.
• Aggression focuses on attacking and blaming the other person using "you" statements.

Why Is It Important to Know the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?

• Long Term Impact: Assertiveness seeks to build trust, self esteem and healthier, more productive relationships.

• Consequences: Aggression causes resentment, fear and disconnection.

• Cultural Context: Women, people of color and others are often labeled as "aggressive" for behavior that is viewed as "assertive" in others. This makes it important to recognize and challenge these biases.

Examples:

Joe:

After a contentious staff meeting where Joe attempted to intimidate and dominate his colleagues, his director confronted Joe about his aggressive behavior, but Joe told his director that he didn't care if his colleagues didn't like him because the only thing he cared about was "winning" the company prize for highest sales. He told his director he thought his colleagues were "losers" and they should be fired. 

Aggressive Behavior

In response, his director attempted to work with Joe to help him to understand the impact his behavior was having on his work relationships. He explained how Joe could be assertive, rather than aggressive, by speaking in a calm tone and showing his colleagues respect. When Joe's behavior continued to be aggressive, his director terminated him.

Julie:

As the only Black woman on her executive team, Julie talked to the other executives on the team about the negative impact some the company's policies had on women. She could sense their discomfort while she was speaking and she asserted she felt there was a need to address these issues to make certain changes which would benefit employees and the company. 

Assertive Behavior

After the meeting, she overheard one of the male executives remark quietly to another male executive, "I can't stand aggressive women." She reflected on her behavior in the meeting and she concluded that she was assertive and not aggressive. Soon after that, she consulted with the human resource director who agreed that the policies should be reviewed and changed. She also told Julie she would do a company-wide training to educate employees about the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness especially as it applied to women and people of color.

Mark:

When his friends confronted Mark about his aggressive behavior with women at a club they often attended, Mark shrugged it off by saying, "Women want men to dominate them. No matter what they say in public, privately they want a strong man." In response, his best friend, John, pointed out that women usually rebuffed Mark at the club because they were put off by his controlling behavior. 

Aggressive vs Assertive Behavior

He also explained that some of the women in their friend group also complained that they sometimes felt bullied by Mark and that he usually focused on what he wanted even if the rest of the group wanted something else. Mark respected John so he thought about the negative consequences his aggressive behavior had in his personal relationships and he decided to try to change. John suggested that Mark get help in therapy to understand what caused him to try to control and manipulate others. Over time, he realized that his father, who was aggressive within the family, only expressed praise for him when Mark was also aggressive in his relationships. At that point, Mark realized he had a lot of work to do in therapy and he felt it was worth it.

Conclusion

Although many people confuse assertive and aggressive behavior, there are important differences.

Understanding the differences can help you to have a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Also See My Article:

Assertiveness: Learning to Say No

Relationships: Jealousy Isn't Love

Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

What is Jealousy?

Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship. 

Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival. 

Jealousy Isn't Love

A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs. 

Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?

People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to: 

• Signal a deep emotional investment
• A fear of losing someone who is important 
• A perceived threat to a valued bond

Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.

What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?

Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.

Examples might include:

• Spending time with friends
• Talking to an attractive person at a party
• Going to lunch with a coworker
• Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy

How is Jealousy Different From Envy?

People often confuse jealousy and envy.

Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.

When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?

A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.  

This is different from excessive jealousy.

Jealousy Isn't Love

Excessive jealousy can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry

• Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on

• Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning

• Possessive or accusatory reactions

• Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship

• Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity

• Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family

Overcoming Excessive Jealousy

• Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.               

Jealousy Isn't Love

• Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.

• Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.

Get Help in Therapy

• Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Relationships

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Obsessive Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

When I work with couples who are trying to understand why their relationship isn't working, I often hear one partner say they don't understand why their relationship isn't working since they've done everything their partner wanted. 

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Dynamic Creates Problems

Although the phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" assumes heterosexuality, the dynamics involved can apply to any relationship regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation or any other identifiers.

Rather than using the words "wife" and "husband", I'm going to discuss these dynamics by referring to Partner A and Partner B: 

    Partner A is the person who tends to appease and sacrifice their own needs.

    Partner B is the one who expects to be appeased regardless of what Partner A really wants.

Where Did the Phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Come From?

The phrase is a common cultural trope reflecting traditional gender roles where it's assumed that the wife's mood dictates the home's atmosphere.

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

The phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" creates problems in relationships because it suppresses emotions and honesty.

It also encourages avoiding conflict and truth to keep the peace. This often leads to emotional withdrawal and a false sense of harmony instead of a real emotional connection.

Here are the main problems:

• Fosters Codependency: Partner A's happiness and sense of self worth becomes tied to Partner B's mood with Partner A constantly appeasing and making sacrifices for Partner B (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Creates Unequal Power: If Partner B's happiness is at the center of the relationship with Partner A catering to Partner B's whims, over time this will breed resentment and power struggles (see my article: Overcoming Power Struggles).

• Encourages Entitlement and Blame: Some partners who are in the role of Partner B can expect constant appeasement at the expense of Partner A's happiness. The implication is that if Partner A is unhappy, it's Partner A's own fault (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

• Ignores Partner A's Needs and Autonomy: "Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies that Partner B's needs are more important than Partner A. This tends to damage both partners' happiness.

• Oversimplifies Relationship Dynamics: It oversimplifies relationship dynamics by reducing each partner to their role (the demanding Partner B and the appeasing Partner A) instead of individuals with their own unique needs.

How to Shift Out of the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Mentality in Your Relationship

• Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness: Rather than focusing on one partner's happiness, refocus so that you and your partner are considering both of you.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

• Shift From Avoidance to Engagement: Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, reframe conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This can foster emotional intimacy through understanding--not through silence and appeasement.

• From Self Centered Peace to Mutual Value: If you're in the role of the appeaser, recognize that your appeasement is probably driven by fear of upsetting your partner so your life will be peaceful. This isn't love. Love exists where both people feel valued and heard.  If you're in the role of having your way most of the time, recognize that your partner has needs too so seek a compromise.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Dan and Marie

When Dan and Marie sought help in couples therapy, they were already considering separating, but they decided to try couples therapy to see if they could save their marriage.

Dan explained that from the beginning of their relationship, he tried to make Marie happy by doing whatever she wanted. He said his father gave him advice before they got married, "Happy wife, happy life", and told Dan that if he made Marie happy, they would have a happy relationship.

Happy Wife, Happy Life Dynamic Creates Problems

Even though his father followed this advice in his own marriage with Dan's mother, they always seemed unhappy to Dan. They never discussed their relationship with Dan, but when he graduated high school, they sat down with him and told him they decided to get a divorce.  

At the time, Dan didn't question his parents, but he wasn't surprised.  Dan's father had become increasingly withdrawn over the years and Dan suspected that his parents were just waiting for him to graduate to end their relationship.

Marie told the couples therapist that she saw the same dynamic with Dan. He became  emotionally distant a few years into their marriage. She explained they hardly ever quarreled, but she often felt alone and lonely due to Dan's emotional withdrawal. She also indicated that she tried to talk to Dan about it but, even though he was aware of his withdrawal, he didn't know what was making him so unhappy in the relationship (see my article: Feeling Alone in a Relationship).

Both Marie and Dan agreed  that they stopped being interested in having sex a few years after they got married (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Marie explained that her father always prioritized her mother's needs over his own because he also believed in the "happy wife, happy life" philosophy.  Since her parents didn't believe in divorce, she knew they would stay together no matter what happened, but she didn't think either of them felt fulfilled in their relationship.

Their couples therapist knew they needed to work on creating emotional intimacy before dealing with their no-sex marriage.  So, she continued to explore the emotional dynamics in their relationship and she realized that Dan's belief that he had to appease Marie--even if it meant he was sacrificing his own needs--was a major problem in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped Marie and Dan to understand the codependent nature of their relationship and helped them to take steps to change to a healthier interdependent dynamic.

It wasn't easy for them. It had been so long since Dan considered what he wanted that he had to work hard in therapy to identify his wants and needs.  Marie was also accustomed to having her way and making most of the decisions so, initially, she found it challenging too.

One major change they were facing was where they would move after they retired. Even though they were about 10 years away from making that decision, they both assumed they would move from New York to South Carolina after they retired because Marie had friends in SC. But when the couples therapist explored this decision with them, Dan and Marie realized this was something Marie wanted, but Dan was only going along with it to appease Marie.

Although Marie was disappointed, she didn't want Dan to be unhappy so they decided to compromise and consider other locations.

This was the beginning of Dan getting back in touch with his own needs and Marie realizing she needed to compromise.

Over time, as Dan asserted his needs and Marie became attuned to Dan, they were able to compromise more easily. Instead of being emotionally withdrawn, Dan became more emotionally present which allowed them to feel closer.

As they became closer emotionally, they also began to have sex again. At first, they were hesitant because it had been so long since they had sex, but as their emotional intimacy increased, they found their way back to each other sexually (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

It wasn't quick or easy, but by the time they completed couples therapy, they both felt more fulfilled in their relationship.

Conclusion

Regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation orientation, age, race or any other identifiers, when one partner appeases the other while sacrificing their own needs, problems develop.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

Learning to shift this unhealthy dynamic isn't easy, but the effort can often save a relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even when both people are motivated to change relationship dynamics, they can find it challenging.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to change your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to make changes so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,  AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Cultivating Hope During Uncertain Times

During uncertain times it's more important than ever to cultivate hope (see my article: Combining Hope With Meaningful Action).

Cultivating Hope During Uncertain Times

According to Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search For Meaning, hope is a choice and a powerful force during the worst of times. 

He posited that everything can be taken away from an individual, but hope cannot be taken away (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Cultivating Hope During Uncertain Times

Hope isn't contingent on external circumstances (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).  

Instead, hope is your own internal resolve and perspective. Hope requires a desire for a particular outcome and, even though that outcome isn't guaranteed, the act of hoping can strengthen your sense of resilience.

What Can You Do to Cultivate Hope During Uncertain Times?

To cultivate hope:

• Find Purpose and Meaning in Your Life: Engage in activities that give you a sense of purpose, meaning and joy (see my article: Finding Meaning and Purpose in Your Life After Trauma).

• Remember Your Successes From the Past: Remember the times in the past when you overcame challenges and allow those memories to motivate you.

Cultivating Hope During Uncertain Times

• Journal: Write down your thoughts, emotions, progress and insights along the way (see my article: Journaling Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Prioritize Connection and Community: Connecting with others who also want to cultivate hope can provide you with a sense of belonging and a community. Getting together with others can help build strong relationships and a collective sense of hope (see my article: The Need For Community and a Sense of Belonging).

• Seek Out Inspiration: Inspiration can come from others who have overcome whatever challenges you're facing. This could be people you know or you might find it in a story or biography about someone who overcame adversity.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Become aware of how your negative thoughts might be causing you to slip into a state of hopelessness and helplessness.  Don't allow your negative thoughts to spiral. Look for evidence, no matter how small, of a more hopeful outcome to problems (see my article: 5 Tips For Challenging Negative Thoughts).

• Reframe "What If" Thoughts: Instead of focusing on "What if I fail?" or "What if it all goes wrong?", reframe your thoughts to focus on what might be the silver lining in your situation (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

Cultivating Hope During Uncertain Times

• Take Small Steps: If the problem you're facing is big, take small and steady steps towards your goal so you can build momentum toward the bigger goal. 

• Celebrate Small Wins Towards Your Goal: Learn to celebrate small wins on your way to accomplishing your goal (see my article: How to Celebrate Your Progress).

• Practice Self Care: When you're going through uncertain times, you need to prioritize self care in ways that are meaningful to you. Eat well, get enough sleep and exercise at a level that's right for you to boost your mood (see my article: Taking the Time For Self Care).                        

Get Help in Therapy

If you are going through a particularly difficult time and self help strategies aren't enough, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that might be getting in your way so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Trauma Therapy: You Can't Change Your History But You Can Change Your Relationship to Your History So You Can Heal

Many people who are hesitant to get help to overcome the impact of their traumatic history think getting help in trauma therapy won't make a difference for them because it won't change what happened to them.

Trauma Therapy

How Can You Change Your Relationship to Your History of Trauma?

While it's true that you can't go back in time to change your history, you can heal in trauma therapy to reduce or eliminate the impact of traumatic experiences.

Transforming Trauma Into Resilience: Current modalities of trauma therapy can help you to transform trauma into resilience by:

• Acknowledging Your Feelings: Acknowledging the pain instead of suppressing it. This means feeling the pain and completing the trauma healing cycle. It does not include toxic positivity, which is not a genuine response to trauma.

• Developing a Support System: Instead of remaining isolated, you can develop a support system with trusted loved ones or support groups.

• Finding Meaning and Purpose: When you discover activities that align with your values, participating in these activities can provide you with motivation and a direction for your life (see my article: Posttraumatic Growth: Developing a Greater Sense of Hope and Meaning in the Aftermath of Trauma).

• Developing Better Coping Skills: Trauma therapy includes helping clients to develop better coping skills to manage emotions before and after processing trauma.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is the capacity to recovery from stress and trauma rather than avoiding hardship (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

Trauma Therapy

Genuine resilience also means finding new hope and growth after trauma rather than pretending to yourself and others that the trauma made you "stronger" when this isn't how you really feel.

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

Safe and effective types of trauma therapy include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Trauma Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing
  

•  IFS (Internal Family Systems/Parts Work)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel stuck due to your traumatic history, you're not alone.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to process your traumatic history so you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.