Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationship Choices: What is a "Good Bad Boy"?

Men are often confused about what women want from them and so are some women.

The "Good Bad Boy"

Many men believe women prefer men with "bad boy" traits, but in reality the picture is more complex.

Characteristics Usually Associated With So-Called "Nice Guys" and "Bad Boys"

The concepts of "nice guys" and "bad boys" are stereotypes.

There isn't anyone who is either all good or all bad, but these are common stereotypes. 

In reality, people are more complex, but these stereotypes persist in the dating and relationship world.

Once again, keep in mind that these are stereotypes or archetypes and each person is an individual.

Traits of So-Called "Nice Guys"

Good Traits:

• Kind
• Considerate
• Empathetic and emotionally attuned
• Reliable
• Good listener

    Negative Traits:

• Overly passive
• Lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries
• Lacking self confidence
• Passive aggressive
• Emotionally suppressed or masking
• Potentially resentful if their feelings aren't reciprocated by a romantic interest

Traits of So-Called "Bad Boys"

Good Traits

• Project a sense of confidence and independence (although not always genuine)
• Excitement and adventure
• Rebellious nature
• Charismatic
  
• Authentic (in terms of not trying to people please)
• Assertive
• Passionate

Negative Traits

• Impulsive
• Unstable emotionally or financially
• Narcissistic
  
• Emotionally unavailable
• Manipulative
  
• Dishonest
• Womanizing
  
• Irresponsible
• Selfish and entitled (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality)
• Unhealthy communication including criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

What is the Appeal of the "Nice Guy"?

The appeal of the "nice guy" for many women is that he has many of traits that women want in a man for a relationship.  He is believed to be someone who will be emotionally supportive and dependable. He is someone a woman can count on through thick and thin.  

The "Good Bad Boy"

However, some women who believe in this stereotype think the "nice guy" lacks confidence  in himself and he isn't assertive. 

In addition, if a man is overly compliant to gain approval and validation, this is often described as "The Nice Guy Syndrome" because their sense of self worth is tied to how others perceive them. There is a lack of authenticity that many women can sense which turns them off.

If a man is trying too hard to be "nice", he can come across as dull.

What is the Appeal of the "Bad Boy"?

Many women are attracted to "bad boys" for hookups because they seem fun and exciting--at least at first. 

He is often attractive and women like that he is passionate, unpredictable and an individual who doesn't try to follow traditional norms (see my article: What Makes So-Called  "Bad Boys" Appealing to Many Women?).

But if a man is trying too hard to be a "bad boy" because he thinks this is how he "should be", he will come across as lacking authenticity.

If a woman gets into a relationship with a "bad boy" traits, she will often discover these traits which make it difficult to maintain a stable relationship. And, worse still, if she thinks she can change him, she will probably be disappointed.

The "Good Bad Boy" Combines the Best Traits of the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy"

As previously mentioned, the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy" are stereotypes so they don't usually exist as pure types, but someone might have a particular tendency towards one or the other so that this could be a "red flag" for dating or a committed relationship.

Combining the best traits of the "Nice Guy" and "Bad Boy" would include edginess, some mystery and passion with a strong moral compass, a capacity for good, hidden heroism and "a heart of gold".

These men, who have the best of both traits, are often referred to as "Good Bad Boys".

Movie characters who have "Good Bad Boy" traits include:

• Bruce Wayne (Batman)
• James Bond (Agent 007)
• Hans Solo (Star Wars)
• Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)
• Lestat de Lioncourt (Interview With the Vampire)
• Jim Stark (Rebel Without a Cause)
• Luke Jackson (Cool Hand Luke)
• Rick Blaine (Rick in Casablanca)

An Example of the "Good Bad Boy" 

As an example, Rick of Casablanca initially comes across as aloof, cynical and self centered. Seemily, he doesn't want to get involved in other people's problems in Casablanca.

But he also shows himself to be a kind hero (or a "good bad boy") when he helps a couple by sacrificing his own happiness for the greater good.

Relationship Choices

Each woman makes her own choice as to what type of man she wants to be with in a casual or committed relationship (see my article: Making Healthy Choices in Relationships).

Sometimes a woman makes an unconscious choice and she only realizes later after she gets to know the man and she understands the dynamics between them.

This is why it's important for everyone choosing a mate to be aware of their choices (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

I wrote a prior article about hope entitled 5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being.

In this article I'm focusing on how the combination of hope and taking action can lead to meaningful change.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

    First a recap of my prior article:

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being

There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 

• 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just only a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many longer term goals. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.

How to Cultivate Hope in Yourself

• Give yourself permission to be hopeful--even when you're facing tough odds.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Set clear goals for yourself so you have a sense of purpose and direction.

• Use your imagination to visualize the positive outcome you want.
• See my articles: 
• Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

• Using Imaginal Interweaves to Overcome Trauma

• Seek support for your goals from supportive loved ones.

• Learn from other people's experiences--whether these are friends, family or inspiring people in history--to motivate yourself.

Why Does the Combination of Hope With Action Create Meaningful Change?

The stereotypical portrayal of psychotherapy is that therapy is all talk and no action (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Hope can be a powerful motivator, but hope alone won't bring about change without taking action.

Combining Hope and Action:

• People are more likely to take action when they feel hopeful--even when they're faced with significant obstacles.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Hope provides individuals with a belief that they can persevere in taking action even in the face of obstacles (see my article: Overcoming Obstacles to Make Changes in Your Life).

• Just as hope can inspire action, action can inspire increased hope by giving people an increased sense of their own empowerment so there can be an upward spiral (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel stuck and unable to motivate yourself, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck.

Rather than remaining stuck, seek help so you can achieve your goals and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Confidence: Feeling Confident Enough to Choose a Healthy Relationship

In my prior article, What Are Green Flags in Healthy Relationships?, I discussed the positive qualities to look for in a person when you want to be in a healthy relationship. Aside from the qualities you might want in the other person, you also need to have a strong sense of your own self worth (see my articles: What is Low Self Esteem?  and Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck).

Making Healthy Relationship Choices

Needless to say, no one chooses to have low self esteem, but early unresolved trauma can leave you feeling unworthy and vulnerable as an adult to making poor relationship choices (see my articles:  How Trauma Affects Relationships and Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?)

Along with a low sense of self worth, unresolved trauma can also affect your attachment style in relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style?).

What Do Self Confident People Do to Be in a Healthy Relationships?

The following is a list of some of things that confident people do in order to have a healthy relationship:

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Confident people set healthy boundaries with the people in their life, including people they're dating or seeing in a relationship. They understand their own healthy emotional needs, they know what they need in a relationship and they're able to assert their needs in a positive way. They won't compromise away their needs or put up with ongoing bad behavior.  They don't lose themselves in a relationship and they don't abandon parts of themselves to be with someone who isn't treating them well (see my articles: Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries, What is Self Abandonment? and Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

• Accept Responsibility For Their Own Emotional Needs: Since they know their needs, they're able to assess if these needs are being met in their relationship.  If, ultimately, the relationship is at a dead end, rather than spending time pressuring, blaming and shaming their partner, they take responsibility for getting their needs met. 

• Accept Responsibility For Their Behavior and Making Necessary Changes: Although they won't compromise what they know is essential to their emotional needs, confident people are emotionally secure enough to take an honest look at their own behavior, make repairs in their relationship, and make positive changes in themselves. They're not threatened when their partner expresses their healthy emotional needs. They're open to listening in an attuned way.

• Remain Confident in Themselves Without Constant Reassurance: Although everyone enjoys hearing words of appreciation, confident people don't need constant reassurance that they're attractive, smart, talented, and so on, because they're secure enough in themselves. They know their self worth and they're not dependent upon other people to keep reassuring them.  

• Feel Comfortable Being Alone: People who have a positive sense of self worth aren't afraid to be alone. They enjoy their own company and the solitude it brings. This doesn't mean that they might not want to be in a relationship with someone special.  Instead, it means they're willing to wait for an emotionally healthy person to come along who can meet their needs rather than being desperate and settling for someone who isn't right for them (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness).

• Choose Relationships Wisely: Rather than just allowing charm, good looks, status or other superficial qualities to be their guide when they're choosing a mate, confident people use both their heart and their head. They're not in denial or engaged in wishful thinking that clouds their judgement (see my article:  Wishful Thinking Leads to Poor Relationship Choices and 7 Tips So You Don't Rush Into Relationship).

• Get Out of Unhealthy Relationships: No one is infallible when it comes to choosing a relationship, but someone who is confident usually doesn't remain in an unhealthy relationship. Rather than wasting a lot of time trying to change their partner, once it becomes clear that their partner is unwilling or unable to give them what they need, they get out of the relationship. This is sometimes easier said than done, but the point is not to waste time (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Developing a Confident Self

When children grow up in a family where they're loved and affirmed with good enough parenting, they grow up to have a healthy sense of self and a secure attachment style (see my article: What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?).

Attachment research indicates that about 50-60% of people develop a secure attachment style. That leaves 40-50% of people who have an insecure attachment style.

Just because you didn't develop a secure attachment style when you were growing up doesn't mean you're doomed to remain a person who is insecurely attached in relationships.  People, who are lucky enough to be in a relationship with loving person who has a secure attachment style, have a possibility of developing an earned secure attachment. 

For other people who are not so fortunate or where a relationship with a person who has secure attachment makes no difference, psychotherapy can help to develop an earned secure attachment style (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to feel more confident and deserving of a healthy relationship.

Part of working through early trauma is working on attachment issues that could be making you feel either insecure or avoidant in terms of how you feel about yourself and your dynamics in a relationship (see my article: The Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you develop the tools and skills you need so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

The Wheel of Emotions was developed by Dr. Robert Plutchik, who was a professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and an adjunct professor at the University of Florida.  His research included the study of emotions (see my articles: Learning to Sense Your Emotions and How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Enhance Emotional Development in Adults).

The 8 Primary Emotions

According to Dr. Plutchik, there are eight primary emotions:

• Anger
• Fear
• Sadness
• Disgust
• Surprise
• Anticipation
• Trust 
• Joy

These emotions are considered primary, according to Dr. Plutchik, because they have survival value (see my article: Understanding Primary Emotions).

For instance, fear has survival value because when this emotion is triggered, it can save your life due to the flight-fight response.

What is the Wheel of Emotion?

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Plutchik's Concepts:

• Limbic System/Midbrain: The midbrain (or limbic system) of humans is similar to the midbrain of other mammals.  Humans and other mammals experience the same emotions.

• Evolutionary History: Emotions developed long before humans existed.  They have evolutionary value as part of survival.

• Survival Role: Survival is the primary evolutionary role of emotions.

• Combinations of Emotions: Combining primary emotions will create new emotions.  For example, joy and trust = love.

• Opposites: As can be seen from the Wheel of Emotions, each emotion has its opposites.  For instance, sadness is the opposite of joy, and so on.

• Intensity of Emotions: The change in the intensity of emotions can be seen on the Wheel of Emotions: Trust goes from acceptance to admiration, joy goes from serenity to ecstasy, and so on.

Characteristics of the Wheel of Emotions (click on image to make it larger):

• Color: The eight emotions are arranged by colors for similar emotions.  

• Layers: Moving to the center of the circle intensifies the emotions.

• Relationships of Emotions: Emotions are arranged on the Wheel of Emotions with regard to their relationship to each other.  For instance, note the position of polar opposite emotions.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

Many people have problems identifying their emotions.  They might have a sense that they feel "off" or "bad," but they don't know what emotions are causing them to feel this way.

The Wheel of Emotions:

• Provides an image or visual tool to get curious about yourself.
• Helps you to be attuned to yourself.
• Normalizes your emotions.
• Increases your self awareness.
• Helps you to stop judging yourself.
• Helps you to identify your emotions.
• Helps you to verbalize the emotions you are experiencing.  
• Helps you to feel empowered.
• Helps you to gain self confidence.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems identifying and expressing your emotions, you're not alone.

Working with an experiential psychotherapist can help you to develop and enhance your ability to identify your feelings for your own self awareness as well as to improve your communication with others (see my article: Psychotherapy Can Help You to Stop Sweeping Uncomfortable Emotions Under the Rug).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in experiential therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

About Me

I am an experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Many clients start psychotherapy because they want to enhance their performance in their career or in their personal life.  Although EMDR therapy is generally known for resolving psychological trauma, since it was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. in the 1980s EMDR has been used in many other areas, including anxiety reduction, overcoming phobias, and performance enhancement (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and What is Adjunctive EMDR?).

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Executives, actors, writers, singers, athletes, artists and people in many other situations seek help from EMDR therapists to overcome their performance anxiety and their related negative beliefs that are getting in the way of their success.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how EMDR therapy is used for performance enhancement:

Fictional Vignette: EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement:

Tom
When Tom's director told him that he was promoting him to an executive level position with a significant increase in salary, Tom was thrilled.  He worked hard for this promotion, and he was happy that he was being recognized by his director.

Then, his director told Tom that part of the new responsibilities would be to give presentations to the board of directors, and Tom felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

While Tom really wanted the promotion, he dreaded giving presentations--especially to the board of directors.  He suffered with a lifelong dread of public speaking.  Even when he was in high school and he was asked to address his teachers and fellow students, he stammered and trembled on stage.

Giving his presentation in high school was one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. After that experience, he avoided public speaking.  Even in college, he managed to get through without having to do a presentation.  But now he knew that there was too much at stake for his career and he wanted to overcome his fear of public speaking.

A close friend, Jim, told Tom that his son, who was a college basketball player, was seeing an EMDR therapist for performance enhancement.  His son tended to "choke" in a big game, which made him feel ashamed and discouraged.

Jim told Tom that the EMDR therapist helped his son to overcome his performance anxiety and build his self confidence, which helped to enhance his performance.  He recommended that Tom find an EMDR therapist to deal with his anxiety about public speaking.

Tom had never heard of EMDR therapy before, but he looked it up online and saw all the positive research about EMDR's effectiveness, so he contacted an EMDR therapist to begin therapy.

During the first several sessions, Tom's EMDR therapist obtained information about Tom's family history and helped him to develop internal resources.

Then, they were ready to begin processing Tom's fear of public speaking.  His therapist asked Tom to recall his memory of speaking in the auditorium in high school.  After Tom accessed the memory, she asked him several questions, including what his negative belief is about himself as it is related to that memory.

Tom thought about it and said, "I feel powerless when I have to speak in front of an audience."  He told his therapist that he wanted to feel confident and in control when he does public speaking.

Then, Tom and his EMDR therapist began the desensitization phase of EMDR.  While they were doing EMDR, they discovered that there were several other earlier memories that were related to the memory they were working on so, over time, they processed these underlying memories as well.

When Tom no longer felt anxious about his memories, they worked on the current situation and a future situation until Tom no longer felt anxious about speaking in front of the board of directors.

When his therapist checked with Tom to find out if he felt confident and in control about public speaking, Tom said he was very surprised that he actually did feel confident and in control.

The proof came a few months later when, in his new executive position, Tom had to go before the board of directors to do his first presentation to them.

Before the presentation, Tom was surprised to notice that he wasn't at all nervous.  He felt confident that he was the top expert in his company for the topic he would be presenting, so there was no one else who knew more about it than he did.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

During his presentation, Tom felt confident and in control.  He also saw his director standing in the back of the room smiling and nodding at him, which made him feel even more confident.

Afterwards, the chief executive officer thanked Tom for an informative presentation and told him that he hoped it would be the first of many.

Conclusion
EMDR therapy was originally developed to help clients to overcome psychological trauma.  However, since it was first developed, EMDR therapy has been found to be highly effective for other types of problems, including performance enhancement.

The fictional vignette presented above represents one way that clients react to EMDR therapy for performance enhancement.  Of course, everyone is different and will have their own idiosyncratic responses.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a problem related to performance anxiety--whether it relates to career issues, taking steps to improve your health or whatever anxiety might be getting in your way of success--you could benefit from EMDR therapy.

The complexity of the anxiety-related problem will be different for each person.  Some people can overcome their performance anxiety in a relatively short time.  Other people have more complicated problems that have roots that go beyond the current situation and would need more time doing EMDR.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Overcoming your performance anxiety can open up a new world for you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped clients to free themselves from their performance anxiety so they could go on to achieve success in their fields.

I also work as an adjunct psychotherapist for clients who want EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience and who want to remain with their primary therapist 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You

I have discussed self states in prior articles (see my articles: 

Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are

Parts Work in Therapy: Is a Split Off Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Learning to Nurture Your Inner Child

Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become.  

In this article, I'm focusing on how your self states shift in various ways and how you can use these shifting self states to feel more confident and resilient.

How Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse

What Are Shifting Self States?
As I discussed in a prior article, even though people tend to think of themselves as unitary beings, in fact, everyone has a multiplicity of selves or self states.

Self states are on a continuum.  For the purposes of this article, when I refer to self states, I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder, which is a diagnosis on the far end of the spectrum of self states.  I'm referring to everyone's common experience of different aspects of themselves.

The reason why people aren't usually conscious of these self states is because a particular self state usually predominates at any given time and the other self states tend to recede.

So, the self states tend to shift in a barely perceptible way, and this is a common phenomenon for everyone.

An Example of a Shifting Self State
Andy was feeling confident in himself as he approached the theatre where he was about to audition.  He had practiced his lines with his acting coach, and he really felt he understood the role and how to approach it.  His acting coach told him that this part was made for Andy, and he encouraged Andy to go to the audition.

How Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse

But just before he went on stage to recite the lines from the play, Andy remembered the first time that his mother came to see him in a play and how critical she was afterwards.  She told him that his performance was the worst thing she had ever seen and she advised him against an acting career.

Whereas Andy had been walking with his head up, chest out, and whistling a tune before he got to the theatre, when he remembered what his mother said, his demeanor changed to reflect the shift in his self state:  He looked down at the ground, his posture was slightly hunched and all he could think about was that he wasn't going to pass the audition.

Discussion About the Example of a Shifting Self State
In the fictional example above, Andy was feeling confident in himself initially.  He received positive feedback from his acting coach and he felt and projected his confidence.  At that point, Andy was in a particular self state where he felt sure of himself.

But when he thought about the negative comments that his mother made to him, his self state shifted without Andy realizing it.  He no longer felt confident and this was reflected in his inner sense of self as well as in his body language and outer presentation.  This switch in self states was unconscious--it happened outside of Andy's awareness.

How to Use Shifting Self States to Enhance Your Sense of Self
As a trauma therapist, I assist clients with internal and external resourcing as part of the preparation for doing trauma work.

One way to do internal resourcing, which I often use, is called imaginal interweaves as developed by Laurel Parnell, Ph.D. (see my article: Developing a More Resilient Self in Therapy).

Imaginal interweaves are a tool to help clients to feel confident, lovable and other positive aspects by imagining powerful, nurturing and wise figures.  These figures can be people that clients know or they can be from books, movies, TV programs or other fictional characters.  They can also be superheroes if this feels meaningful to the client.

The kind of imaginal interweaves that clients choose depend upon the negative beliefs that they have about themselves.  For example, if they have a particular self state that predominates that makes them feel they're "unlovable," they will choose imaginal interweaves that will help them to feel the opposite--that they're lovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

If I'm using EMDR Therapy, I would use this particular modality's bilateral stimulation (eye movements or tapping) to reinforce these imaginal interweaves so that they are amplified for the client (i.e., the client can feel these interweaves as self states within themselves).

Another therapeutic resourcing tool I use before processing psychological trauma is asking clients to remember times when they felt confident (as in the fictional example above where Andy remembered his experience with his acting coach).

Usually, I recommend that clients bring in at least 10 or so positive memories when they felt good about themselves and I use bilateral stimulation to reinforce these self states.

Then, when we're processing the traumatic experience, if the client needs these internal resources because s/he is having difficulty in the processing, we can call upon these imaginal interweaves or positive memories to help the client to shift self states so we can resume processing.

For the person who isn't in therapy, s/he can also become aware of shifting self states.  Admittedly, this isn't easy because the shifts usually happen so imperceptibly.  It will take some time and effort to recall experiences where it happened in the past (as in the fictional example above) and making an effort to recognize it when it occurs in the present.

How Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse

In his book, Awakening the Dreamer, Philip Bromberg gives an examples of shifting self states. According to Bromberg, researchers did a study using the game "Trivial Pursuit" where they told one group to imagine themselves as professors, and they told the other group to imagine themselves as "soccer hooligans" (the term used in the book) before they answered questions from "Trivial Pursuit."  The group that imagined themselves as professors did far better than the group that imagined themselves as "soccer hooligans."

The participants who imagined themselves to be professors and took on that self state are similar to my fictional example of Andy who initially was confident when his self state was connected to the memory of the encouragement he received from his acting coach.  This self state was reflected in his confident internal sense of self as well as in his overall demeanor.  Similar to the group who thought of themselves as professors, this was Andy's confident self state in that moment.

As I mentioned earlier, this is only the preparation stage of working through trauma in psychotherapy, but it is a powerful part of the work that can help to overcome obstacles when the trauma is being processed in therapy.

Unfortunately, most people tend to unconsciously concentrate on negative images and memories of themselves which shifts them into a negative self state.  But, with practice, you can also learn to focus on positive images and memories.

Conclusion
Self states are usually unconscious and difficult to perceive in the moment.  They're easier to detect retrospectively.

Shifting self states are even more difficult to detect.  However, once you become aware that everyone has shifting self states, you can begin to focus on become sensitized to the particular self state that you're in and how your self states switch.

When you become aware of the shifting self states and realize that you can use your imagination with positive memories from your life or imaginal figures, you can try to switch your self state.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are people who have experienced serious traumatic events in their lives where it has become too difficult to overcome a predominant negative self state.

When this occurs, this is not about a "weakness" or any other type of deficit.  It just means that the traumatic experiences were so overwhelming that they dominate the individual's life and they need to be processed in therapy.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a trauma-informed psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the trauma (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Working through unresolved trauma can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I tend to integrate various forms of therapy depending upon the particular needs of each client (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.