Coping With Relationship Stress

My article focuses on how stress affects sexual desire in relationships (see my article: To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Coping With Relationship Stress

For most people stress is a libido killer: Work stress, raising children and the daily grind of life can leave people feeling depleted and unmotivated to have sex.

When you feel stressed or anxiety and hyper-focused on having an orgasm and ensuring that your partner has an orgasm, your nervous system shifts into a fight-or-flight mode. This is the opposite of what most people need to enjoy sex.

The Impact of Stress on Pleasure:

Stress can affect pleasure on a physical and mental level:

The Physical Impact

• Stress Blocks Blood Flow: Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline, which constrict the blood vessels and direct the flow of blood to the genitals. 

• Stress Prevents Relaxation: When the nervous system is under stress and you can't relax, sexual arousal can be difficult.

• Stress Reduces Sensitivity: Anxiety can numb physical sensations. This can make touch less intense or even distracting.

The Mental Impact

• Stress Can Create a Goal-Oriented Mindset: Treating sex like a task to complete creates sexual anxiety (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Stress Can Create "Spectatoring": You become a detached observer and judge your own performance instead of being an embodied participant (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerator and Brakes).

How to Overcome Stress-Related Sexual Problems

To overcome stress-related sexual problems, you can try the following:

• Practice Sensate Focus: Sensate Focus is a common exercise given to couples in sex therapy. It is a structured touching exercise where you and your partner take turns giving and receiving non-sexual touch. There is no sexual activity--even if one or both partners get sexually aroused.  Sensate Focus helps to eliminate performance pressure and goal-oriented sex (see my article: What is Sensate Focus?).

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Redefine Intimacy: Dedicate time to non-sexual physical closeness. This can include things like taking a bath together and giving a back massage where there is no pressure or expectation of sexual intercourse.

• Redirect Your Thoughts: When you feel your mind racing when you and your partner are being sexually intimate, shift your focus in a mindful way to other sensations--like the texture of skin, sound of music or slow, deep breathing.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Talk to Your Partner: Instead of trying to suppress your stress and anxiety, which can make it worse, talk openly with your partner outside the bedroom (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Share What You Each Like: Talk to your partner about what feels comfortable and pleasurable to remove guesswork and doubt.

Coping With Relationship Stress

• Be Aware of Fluctuations in Sexual Desire: Acknowledge to each other that it's normal to have fluctuations in sexual desire to eliminate any performative aspects of sex. If you don't want to have sex on a particular occasion, instead of just rejecting your partner outright, suggest another time during the week to have sex (see my article: Coping With Occasional Sexual Rejection).

• Make Lifestyle Changes: Lifestyle changes like engaging in some form of physical exercise at a level that is right for you (e.g., walking, working out at the gym or taking a yoga class) can lower stress and increase blood flow. You can also engage in mindfulness to train your brain to stay in the present moment. Also, limiting caffeine, reducing alcohol and eliminating nicotine can improve your nervous system and vascular health (see my article: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have advanced training and a  certification in sex therapy.

There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptons About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your sexual problems, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York mental health professional who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

In addition to being a sex therapist, I am also a trauma therapist who has advanced training in psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and hypnotherapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Sharing the Mental Load

Understanding Your Sex Script 

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships? 

Responsive Sexual Desire and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Both Normal

What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy? 

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? 

Creating Sexual Desire With the Sexual Simmer Technique

What Causes Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)? 

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, a common complaint I hear from clients is that they feel their relationship lacks emotional depth.  This leaves both partners feeling lonely.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

Emotional depth can be learned and developed over time. While some people are naturally wired with higher neurological sensitivity, emotional depth is a capacity that can develop when you consciously choose to unlearn emotional detachment and practice expanding your inner world.

What is Emotional Depth?

Emotional depth includes: 

• The capacity to be profoundly affected by life experiences
• The ability to hold space for nuance
• The ability to sit with emotional discomfort without trying to avoid it

Why Do Some People Lack Emotional Depth?

A lack of emotional depth is usually a learned survival mechanism which involves suppressing depth due to:

• Childhood Conditioning: Being raised by emotionally distant role models or being taught that emotional vulnerability is a "weakness"

• Protective Detachment: Numbing emotions or using constant busyness, humor and escapism to avoid processing painful emotions

• Fear of Complexity: Choosing superficial interactions because stepping into deeper emotional waters feels unpredictable or overwhelming

How to Develop Emotional Depth

If you want to develop emotional depth, you can retrain yourself through deliberate habits including:

Shifting From Fact-Sharing to Emotional Labeling

Many couples mistake daily logistics ("How was your day?" or "Did you pay that bill?") for meaningful communication, but depth requires moving down into your internal emotional experience:

• Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary: Stop describing your state as just "fine", "good" or "bad". Use tools like the Wheel of Emotion to identify the precise layers of what you are experiencing (e.g., distinguishing anger from underlying grief or rejection).  Learning to name emotions builds a bridge between your logical brain and your inner world.

• Practicing Staying With Discomfort: When difficult emotions arise, your instinct might be to distract yourself, self-medicate or find a quick fix solution. Instead of trying to move away from difficult emotions, pause, take a deep breath and observe the physical sensations in your body. Whether your emotions are pleasant or unpleasant, you will probably discover that emotions are often like waves--they rise, peak and then subside (see my article: The Life Cycle of Emotions).

• Increasing Emotional Vulnerability Incrementally: Share minor internal fears, insecurities or meaningful childhood memories. This takes time to develop. So, recognize that you don't have to share your heaviest secrets overnight. Start by trying to be a little more emotionally open with your partner.

Practicing Active Attunement

Attunement means leaning in and emotionally connecting with your partner when your they reach out. This ensures that they feel safe, seen and validated:

• Listening to Understand--Not to Fix: When your partner vents, suppress the urge you might feel to offer immediate solutions. Focus entirely on their emotional experience.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Mirroring and Validating: Use phrases like, "It sounds like you felt really let down and that makes sense because you worked so hard." Validating their feelings ensure they don't feel emotionally stranded and alone (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It So Important in Relationships?).

• Asking Open-Ended Discovery Questions: Replace generic questions with deep, curiosity-driven questions ("What is a major dream you are currently feeling scared about?" or "What did your childhood teach you about handling your anger?").

Establishing Rituals of Connection

Rituals of connection anchor a relationship, ensuring that building depth is a priority even during stressful and hectic times in life:

• Daily Emotional Communication: Set aside 15-20 minutes every evening where you turn off all electronics to check in with each other's internal worlds.

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Non-Sexual Physical Affection: Prioritize long hugs, holding hands or cuddling on the couch. Regular non-sexual touch releases oxytocin, which naturally lowers defenses and deepens your emotional bond.

• Share Novel Experiences: Step out of your comfort zones together by learning a new skill, volunteering or exploring an unfamiliar place. Facing the slight vulnerability of a new environment together forces you to rely on each other and connect with each other.

Leaning Into Constructive Conflict

Contrary to what most people think, couples who rarely or never fight often lack emotional depth because they are actively avoiding uncomfortable truths. Working through disagreements with care is a powerful way to accelerate emotional intimacy:

• Share the "Anger Iceberg": Anger is often a secondary emotion. Look beneath the irritation to discover the primary emotion, a more vulnerable emotion driving the anger--such as hurt, fear or loneliness.  Instead of focusing on your anger, communicate the deeper emotions underneath the anger (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).

Developing Emotional Depth in Your Relationship

• Use "I" Statements: Frame disagreements around your personal feelings rather than pointing fingers at your partner.  Say, "I feel disconnected from you when we don't spend time together" instead of "You always ignore me."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are having difficulty trying to develop emotional depth in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an experienced couples therapist. 

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples is especially helpful in bringing couples together and helping them to build the necessary skills over time so they can experience emotional vulnerability and depth (see my article: What is Emotionally Focuse Therapy (EFT)?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Also See My Articles:

How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy? 

Cinema Therapy: How Can Watching Movies Improve Your Relationship?

In my prior article, Cinema Therapy: How Can Watching Movies Improve Your Mental Health?, I began a discussion about how cinema therapy (also known as movie therapy) is used in psychotherapy to improve mental health.

Watching Movies Can Improve Your Relationship

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on cinema therapy for relationships and couples therapy.

How Can Cinema Therapy Be Used in Couples Therapy?

One way cinema therapy can be used in couples therapy is to help the couple deepen their emotional connection.

Watching Movies Can Improve Your Relationship

Cinema therapy is one potential tool in couples therapy. 

Cinema therapy uses movies, TV programs or videos to help couples to explore their relationship dynamics in a safe, structured way. While watching a movie, couples can project their feelings onto the characters which can make it easier to discuss difficult truths:

• Metaphor As a Bridge: Couples identify with characters' struggles.

• Emotional Distance: It can feel safer to look at a movie character's strengthens and challenges than it does to look at yourself or your partner.

• Shared Vocabulary: Scenes provide a reference point for discussion for the individuals in the relationship and in their couples therapy.

• Empathy Building: Partners see perspectives visually illustrated on screen. 

How to Watch Movies As a Couple to Improve Your Relationship

• Choice of Films: The couples therapist chooses films with complex characters which are relevant to your issues.  The therapist might also choose films that will help to generate discussions between you and deepen your connection.

Couples Therapy Can Include Cinema Therapy

• Watch Actively: Notice your reaction to the characters, their dilemmas and their choices. Notice what triggers discomfort in you and what resonates with you.

• Discuss Openly: After you and your partner watch the film, have an open discussion with them about the characters including:

• What character did you empathize with the most and why?

• Which character flaws, if any, reminded you of your own?

• Which character strengths reminded you of your own and your partner's?

• How do the characters in the movie deal with conflict compared to how you and your partner deal with conflict?

• Do you see any of your communication blind spots in this movie? Which ones? 

• What did the characters need from each other? Did they get what they needed? How does this compare to how you and your partner meet each other's needs?

• Which unexpressed fear or desire did the movie bring out in you?

• If you could change one choice a character made, what would it be? How would you change it?

• What thoughts and feelings did the movie bring up about how you and your partner can support each other better?

• Did the character's actions or choices change how you view your relationship or a certain life situation?

• What is one lesson from the movie that you can apply to your relationship and life?

An Example of a Movie For Cinema Therapy For Couples (No Spoilers):

The movie, 45 Years, is a powerful tool for cinema therapy for couples because it helps couples to confront the illusion that keeping secrets protects a relationship.

The movie illustrates how unexpressed insecurities and buried secrets from the past can quietly fester over time. It also illustrates how sudden realizations can create emotional distance between the couple.

The movie also shows the necessity of maintaining emotional connection rather than just settling for a comfortable routine.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Cinema therapy is one possible component in couples therapy.

If you and your partner have been struggling, seek help from a licensed mental health therapist who is a couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy 

Empathy Can Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship 

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Focus on Emotions?

 

Relationships: "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Isn't An Apology

I often hear individuals in relationships complain that their partner says, "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of apologizing, so I think this is an important topic to discuss. 

Give a Sincere Apology

Why Isn't Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" An Apology?

This phrase shifts the focus from the behavior of the person apologizing to the reaction of the recipient's emotions, which invalidates the recipient's experience rather than the person apologizing accepting responsibility for whatever was said or done.

Consciously or unconsciously, this is a defensive tactic. When it's used consciously, it's a form of gaslighting and can be infuriating for the recipient because it's a non-apology. When it's used unconsciously, it's defensive.

Many relationships, friendships and family relationships have been ruined with the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way".

When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", you're being rude and dismissive. Instead of expressing remorse, you are communicating, "You're wrong and I'm right."

How to Apologize Sincerely

A sincere apology requires:

• Taking Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for your behavior promptly without making excuses.

• Avoiding Certain Words: Don't use words like "but" and "if", like "I'm sorry I hurt you, but..." or "I'm sorry if you were hurt..."

• Apologize Face to Face: If face to face isn't possible, calling is better than emailing or texting

Give a Sincere Apology

• Be Genuine: Express genuine remorse.

• Offer Amends: Offer to make amends and offer a possible solution to make things right.

• Name Your Specific Behavior: Name the behavior that hurt or harmed the other person. 

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to the other person's feelings without interrupting or getting defensive. Defensiveness invalidates the other person's feelings.

• Avoid Judging the Person: Don't tell the other person that they are overreacting.

• Make a Commitment to Improve Your Behavior: Commit to making a change and express how you will prevent it from happening again.

What If You Don't Think You Did Anything Wrong?

Even if you think what you did or said wasn't wrong or not that bad, it's still important to apologize when you have upset someone.

If you want to preserve the relationship, you need to let go of issues about right or wrong to try to understand the other person's experience and re-establish connection with them.

What If the Other Person Doesn't Accept Your Apology Immediately?

The other person might not be ready to accept your apology right away, so:

• Give Time and Space: Don't demand a response or closure. They might need time to process their hurt. If you continue to push for acceptance of your apology, you come across as being disrespectful.

Give a Sincere Apology

• Respect Their Decision: Accept that you can't force someone to forgive you.

• Don't Take Back Your Apology: Even if the other person rejects your apology, don't take back your apology. Stay firm in accepting your responsibility.

• Show, Don't Tell: Allow your future actions to reflect your remorse. Consistent positive behavior is worth more than words.

• Be Patient: Reconciliation might not happen immediately. In some cases, it might not happen at all and that's something you have to accept.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an experienced therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Asking For Forgiveness - The Power of Making Amends  

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures in Your Relationship to Repair  

What Does Forgiving Mean?

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected 

Learning to Forgive Yourself 

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Implicit Betrayals?

Implicit betrayals in relationships refers to subtle, non-physical violations of trust that break unspoken expectations in a relationship. 

Unlike affairs, implicit betrayals are often dismissed or rationalized, but they can be just as damaging to emotional intimacy and traumatic in a relationship.

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Examples of Implicit Betrayals?

• Emotional Affairs: Forming a deep intimate or romantic connection with someone else and hiding it from the partner (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

• Contempt and Disrespect: Humiliating a partner in front of others including eye rolling, using sarcasm or mocking a partner (see my articles: Improve Communication By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and Belittling Behavior).

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

• Withholding Affection or Stonewalling: Consistently refusing to communicate, withholding affection or shutting down during a conflict in order to exert control (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Gaslighting: Manipulating a partner into questioning their own memory, perception or sanity as a way to avoid accountability (see my article: The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting as Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse)

• Disengagement: When a partner stops caring, stops trying leaves a relationship emotionally without actually physically leaving the relationship (see my article: What is Quiet Quiting in a Relationship?)

• Conditional Commitment: Acting as if you're only in the relationship until someone "better" comes along or frequently threatening to leave a relationship during arguments

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Siding With a Third Party: Siding with a third party, like a mother, mother-in-law, friend or another relative, against the partner

• Financial Infidelity: Keeping secret accounts, hiding debt or making big purchases and hiding it from a partner (see my article: What is Financial Infidelity?).

• Neglect and Selfishness: Consistently prioritizing hobbies, work or friends over a partner again and again

• Broken Promises: Failing to follow through on promises or commitments which erodes trust (see my article: Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity)

• Lying By Omission: Purposely hiding information to avoid conflict or hide a secret life (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission)

• Digital Infidelity: Engaging in romantic or sexual chats, virtual relationships or intense, hidden messages on social media without the other partner's agreement

What to Do If You Discover an Implicit Betrayal?

Discovering an implicit betrayal can be as damaging and traumatic as discovering a physical affair.

Since these types of betrayals often involve a "gray" areas or unspoken rules, healing requires a high level of transparency and intentional communication:

• Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognize and acknowledge that feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and shame are valid. 

• Prioritize Stabilization: Before making any long term decisions about the relationship, prioritize your immediate physical and emotional health: regular sleep, eating nutritious meals and calming your nervous system with breathing and grounding exercises.

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Avoid Self Blame: Practice self compassion rather than completely blaming yourself or feeling less worthy due to a partner's implicit betrayal.

• Establish Safety Over Trust: Rebuilding trust can take months or years, but establishing safety can occur immediately through total transparency:

• Transparency: The betraying partner offers unprompted access to electronics, location sharing, financial records or in any area where trust was betrayed.

• Honesty: All questions should be answered without defensiveness, minimization or shifting the blame onto the other partner.

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable behavior. This could include no contact with specific people, shared calendars and designated times to talk about the betrayal so it doesn't consume all of your time together (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Communicate Using "I" Statements: When discussing the betrayal, use non-accusatory language. For instance, say "I felt invisible to you when you shared your feelings with the other person instead of coming to me" vs. "You betrayed me".

• Evaluate the Future of the Relationship: Ask yourself these important questions to decide whether to stay or go:

• Is my partner taking responsibility without making excuses?
• Was it a one-time occurence or has it been a pattern of behavior?
• Does my partner show genuine remorse and a willingness to do the hard work involved with repairing the relationship?
• Am I staying because I want to or because I'm afraid to leave?

Get Help in Therapy

Implicit betrayals can be difficult to negotiate on your own.

Individual therapy or couples therapy can help you to work through these difficult issues. In many cases, it can be beneficial for each person to start with individual therapy and then continue in couples therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can deal with the trauma of an implicit betrayal and live a happier, more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.