Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" Part of "People, Places and Things"

The decision to get sober is one of the biggest and most challenging decisions you can make in your life.  Once you've made this decision, you need to assess your life about how you're going to maintain your sobriety.  The concept of being aware of "people, places and things" in order not to relapse is an important one.  In this article, I'm focusing on the people part of "people, places and things" because it's often one of the hardest parts of recovery (see my articles: Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What? and The Myth of Having to "Hit Bottom" to Change).

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" of "People, Places and Things"

Reassessing Your Friendships in Light of Your Desire to Remain Sober

During early recovery, people usually take stock of their lives, including the people they hang out with when they drink--their drinking buddies.  When drinking buddies are only acquaintances at the local bar, as opposed to close friends, it's less of a challenge to refrain from seeing them in order to avoid the temptation to drink.

But when the people are close friends, it's a much more difficult situation and you might need to make some hard choices in order to stay sober.   

This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your friends completely.  For instance, if you have close friends, who drink a lot, but who also like to engage in other activities, you could avoid meeting them at the bar and, instead, meet them at the movies.  

When you explain to your friends that you're giving up drinking, if they're good friends, it's more than likely they will encourage you to do what's best for you regardless of how they feel about drinking.

But when you have friends who might be in denial about how much they're drinking, they could perceive your sobriety as a threat because it forces them to look at their own drinking.  

As a result, they might minimize your problem in order to avoid dealing with their own drinking problem.  This doesn't mean that your friends don't care about you.  It usually means that they're afraid to look at themselves and it's easier for them to minimize your problem than to look at their own issues.

If close friends are encouraging you to join them for drinks after you've told them that you want to stop drinking, you need to make a decision about these friendships in light of your desire to stay sober.  

The same is true for friends who are only interested in going out drinking and who have no other interests.  If they're not willing to meet you for coffee or to do something else that doesn't involve alcohol, you will need to reassess these friendships because you will be putting your well-being at risk if you go along with them to bars.

Isolation Isn't the Answer:  Getting Sober Support in Self Help Meetings

You will need emotional support to maintain your sobriety, especially if you have to give up friends (see my articles: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation and Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Many people who are trying to get sober isolate themselves in order to avoid alcohol.  This might work for a short time, but it's not the answer in the long run.  

Everyone needs emotional support, especially if you're taking on the challenge of staying sober.  Isolation only makes you feel lonely and it makes it that much more likely that you'll return to alcohol as your "old friend."

You can find sober support at Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings.  Visiting several Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is a good way to find a meeting that feels right for you because every meeting is different.  

When you find a meeting that feels right for you, you can also obtain an interim sponsor, someone who volunteers him or herself in a beginners meeting to be a temporary sponsor until you find someone that you feel comfortable with, which could be your interim sponsor or it could be someone else.

Getting Help in Therapy

But what if you attend several A.A. meetings and you feel overwhelmed by these meetings? (see my article:  Early Recovery: What If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

Then, you would do well to consider individual psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has experience working with people in recovery (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Even if you're attending A.A. meetings and you have a sponsor, it's a good idea to consider individual therapy to work on the underlying issues that contribute to your excessive drinking.  

A.A. meetings and sponsorship can be important components to recovery.  But if you don't eventually address in greater depth the underlying issues that trigger your drinking, you're more prone to relapse.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who are in recovery to stay sober.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Recommend Psychotherapy to a Friend

Recommending psychotherapy to a friend can be a sensitive issue.  While it's true that seeing a psychotherapist no longer has the same stigma that it used to have, especially in New York City, there are still many myths and misconceptions about therapy. There are still people who think that that going to therapy means you're "weak" or "crazy"  (see my articles: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action."

How to Recommend Psychotherapy to a Friend

So, if you have a friend that you think could benefit from psychotherapy and you know your friend might be offended by the suggestion that s/he go to therapy, you need to proceed with sensitivity and tact and find the right time and way to approach your friend.

Suggestions For Emergency Situations
Take Action in an Emergency:
The suggestions that I'm offering below are for non-emergency situations.  If your friend is threatening to hurt him or herself or someone else, don't minimize your friend's threats.  You need to get your friend immediate help by either calling 911 or bringing your friend to a hospital emergency room.

Suggestions For Non-Emergency Situations

• Start By Listening and Finding Out What Your Friend Needs:  If your friend confides in you that s/he has been anxious or depressed and s/he's not suicidal or homicidal, you need to start by listening.  In some cases, your friend might just want emotional support.  S/he might just need you to listen.  You can let your friend know that you're available to listen and provide emotional support.  In other cases, your friend might need more than just emotional support.  S/he might need help from a licensed mental health professional.

• Normalize Your Friend's Problem (if possible): Sometimes people feel that there's something wrong with them because they have a particular problem.  It's often a relief to them to hear that you and many other people have struggled with the same type of problem.  It can help your friend to feel less ashamed.  So, to the extent that you can, try to normalize your friend's problem by telling him or her if you can relate to the problem.  If you've never experienced this type of problem, be as empathetic as possible to show your friend that you care.

• Ask Questions About What Your Friend Has Already Done to Resolve the Problem:  If your friend is open to therapy then there's no problem.  You're not going to risk alienating him or her with a recommendation that s/he attend psychotherapy.  The trickier situation is when a friend has misconceptions about psychotherapy and would be insulted if you suggested it.  In a situation where you think your friend would be offended by a suggestion to go to therapy, you could start by asking your friend what s/he has already tried to resolve the problem.  Very often, people with longstanding problems have tried many different things before they consider psychotherapy.  Someone who has tried many different ways to resolve a problem might be more open to considering psychotherapy.

• Talk About Your Experiences in Therapy:  After you listen to your friend describe his or her efforts to resolve the problem, you could talk about your experiences and how it helped you, if you feel comfortable doing this.  Knowing that a close friend was or is in therapy helps people to feel more comfortable with the idea of going to therapy themselves.

• Talk About the Benefits of Going to Therapy:  After you describe how therapy helped you, you could also talk about the benefits of going to therapy and address the misconceptions that your friend has (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

• Help Your Friend With Suggestions About How to Get Started in Therapy:  If your friend is open to the idea of giving therapy a try, but s/he doesn't know where to start, you could tell him or her that a primary care doctor or health insurance can provide a referral.  Your friend can also find out from other friends if they would recommend a particular psychotherapist.  You can stress to your friend that s/he just needs to take it one step at a time.  The first step would be going to a consultation with a psychotherapist, which does not obligate your friend to continue.  The consultation would be an appointment with a therapist to talk about the problem in a broad way, ask questions, and to see if s/he feels comfortable with the therapist.  Your friend can also have consultations with a few psychotherapists before choosing one (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

• Be a Good Friend:  If your friend isn't open to considering psychotherapy at this point in time,  don't push it.  If you push it, your friend might be less likely to get help.  You can just let him or her know that you're available to continue the conversation at another time.  Your friend might need time to absorb the information that you've provided, so let him or her know that you're open to continue the dialogue.  Your role as a friend isn't to convince your friend to go to therapy.  Your role is to be a good friend who listens, provides emotional support and psychoeducation about psychotherapy to the best of your ability.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

As I've discussed in a prior article, Friendships: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice, close friendships are usually an important source of emotional support.  Longstanding friendships add to the quality of your life and you add to the quality of theirs. But sometimes it's necessary to let go of toxic people in your life who are causing you pain, so it's necessary, at times, to reevaluate your friendships (see my article: Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship and Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Reevaluating Your Friendships:

• Your friend, who is narcissistic, tends to focus almost exclusively on herself when you're together, but when you need support, she's "too busy."
• Your friend engages in a monologue about herself and doesn't even ask you how you're doing.  You're just there to witness how "wonderful" she is.
• Your friend has been gossiping about you behind your back, including revealing very personal things you confided in him (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).
• Your friend has been flirting a lot with your wife.
• Your friend tends to put you down and humiliate you in front of others as a way to make herself look superior.
• Your friend criticizes you a lot.
• Your friend tells you you're "too sensitive" after you tell her that she hurt your feelings.
• Your friend is more interested in what you can do for him than he is in you.
• Your friend keeps borrowing money from you and not paying you back, even when she has the money to pay back.
• Your friend cancels plans with you when someone else asks her to do something else.
• Your friend always needs to be the center of attention when you're with a group of people, and this ruins the evening for everyone.
• Your friend tends to sulk if she doesn't get her way in every situation.
• Your friend lacks empathy for you about problems that you're having.  She tells you to "get over it."
• Your friend is easily offended, so you have to "walk on eggshells" with her.
• Your friend is so self centered that you feel alone when you're with her.
• Your friend likes to "one up" you when you and he are around other people.
• Your friend keeps giving you "advice" about how to "improve" yourself, even though you've told her that you don't need advice (see my articles: When to Give Advice and When to Just Listen and Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

I'm sure there are dozens more examples of things a so-called friend can do that would make you question whether or not you want this person to remain in your life.

Friends Growing Apart:
Aside from the problematic behavior that I've outlined above, sometimes friends grow apart.

The two of you might have been close at an earlier stage in your life, but you might have each gone in different directions.  This isn't anybody's fault.  It just is.

It might not be a matter of letting go of this friendship completely, but more a matter of recognizing that you're not going to be as close as you were.

For instance, it might be fun to see each other periodically to reminisce about your high school days but, other than that, you no longer have anything in common.

Challenges in Letting Go of a Friendship:
Many people find it difficult to let go of a friendship, even when they recognize that the friendship is unhealthy for them.

Sometimes it's difficult to let go of someone who has shared an important part of your life, especially if this person has been a childhood friend.

You might want to keep giving your friend "one more chance" to see if the friendship can be salvage, but as Maya Angelou once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Then, again, your own sense of self worth might be so low that you might not feel you deserve to be treated any better.  Often this is an unconscious feeling.

You might also be at a point in your life where you feel emotionally vulnerable and you don't have it in you to end a friendship.  But you'll need to weigh whether keeping this person in your life will make you feel better or worse.

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of people in your life isn't easy.

If you allow people to remain in your life who are hurting you, you might need to help to understand the underlying reasons for this so you can take better care of yourself.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to learn if there are unconscious reasons related to an earlier time in your life as to why you can't let go of someone who is hurting you.

Rather than struggling alone with this problem, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients to work through these types of issues.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Getting Caught Up In Other People's Emotional Drama

If emotional drama is a way of life for you, it's easy to keep caught up in other people's drama (see my article:  Hooked On Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Seesaw).

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Why Do People Get Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama?

Not everyone gets involved in other people's drama.  Many people run the other way when they detect the chaos of emotional drama.  They find it stressful and annoying, and they want nothing to do with it.

But there are also many people who become fascinated by the drama.  For them, emotional drama has been part of their life since childhood and so it feels "normal" and even exciting.

Recognizing and understanding the root of the problem--that it usually begins early in life--is the start to resolving it, but it's not the entire solution because having an intellectual understanding often doesn't change anything.

It's often a way to take the focus away from oneself by focusing on other people's problems.

What Are the Consequences of Continually Getting Caught Up in Other People's Drama?

For people who habitually get involved in other people's drama (when they're not creating their own), it can feel exciting and addictive.

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

It might start with gossip about an argument between two friends.  It might begin with a rivalry between two family members or some other similar event.

The problem is that, besides usually being a waste of time, the person who habitually gets involved with drama usually gets pulled into the negative vortex of the situation.

Even though it might have started as "juicy gossip," the drama has a way of spiraling out of control and having negative consequences for everyone involved as the problem snowballs beyond anyone's expectations.

So, while it might start with a shot of dopamine and bring excitement, it usually degenerates into a bad situation.  Everyone involved usually loses in the end.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that illustrates the problem:

Anna

Anna liked to say that there was "too much drama" going on among her friends.  But even though she expressed disdain for emotional drama, she found herself getting continually pulled in whenever there was a situation among family or friends.

On a certain level, Anna knew that whenever she got involved with a brouhaha that was going on with other people, she eventually felt exhausted, depleted, annoyed and regretful.

But try as she might, each time a similar situation arose, she felt compelled to jump in and get involved, no matter how many times she vowed to herself not to do it again.

The situation that brought her into therapy involved a problem between two close friends who had a bitter argument about one of the friend's husbands.

Rita called Anna in tears after she found out that their mutual friend, Lisa, was having an affair with Rita's husband, Carlos.  Although her husband and Lisa both denied it, Rita found text messages and nude pictures that confirmed her suspicions.

Rita told Anna that she threw her husband out after she found out about the infidelity, but she wanted him back.  She had thrown Carlos out many times before because of his affairs with other women.  But she feared that there was something more than sex between Carlos and Lisa, and she was afraid she would lose him to Lisa if she didn't take him back.

But before she took him back, Rita wanted Lisa to know that she had to stay away from Carlos because she didn't want to take him back if they were going to continue the affair.  The problem was that Lisa wasn't taking her calls, so she wanted Anna to speak with Lisa.

When Anna heard what happened, she couldn't believe it.  She and all of Rita's friends knew that Carlos was a philanderer.  He had even tried to hit on Anna.  But Anna couldn't believe that Lisa, who was a close friend to both Anna and Rita, would have an affair with Carlos.

How to Stop Getting Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna stayed on the phone with Rita for hours.  Although she felt compassion for Rita, she also realized that she also felt excited.  Her heart was racing, her breathing was heavier and she felt energized.  

By the time she agreed to call Lisa, Anna was completely immersed in Rita's problems.  When Anna put down the phone, she felt pumped as if she had run a race.  

A few minutes later, she got a call from her friend, Paula, who had been friends with Anna and Lisa for more than 20 years.

"Can you believe what's going on with Rita and Carlos!?!," Paula said.  

Then, without even waiting for an answer from Anna, Paula launched into her own interpretation of the events and they remained on the phone for two hours.

By the time Anna got off the phone, she realized that she forgot to go to the store for tonight's dinner, which the store was now closed.

She hurried to something throw something together for dinner.  Then, she thought about how she would approach Lisa.

By the next day, she called Lisa and broached the topic with her.  Before Anna could get too far, Lisa got angry and interrupted her and told her that she was the third person who called her about the "so-called affair" that she was having with Carlos.

Not only did Lisa deny that she had anything to do with Carlos, but she was offended and hurt that anyone would think this, "Whatever pictures Rita thinks she had--they're not me!"  

The conversation devolved into a big argument where Anna told her that she didn't want to be Lisa's friend anymore and Lisa told Anna that she didn't want anything to do with her as well.  Then, they both hung up in anger.

Anna was sad, angry and exhausted.  She realized that she had only made the situation worse and she wanted nothing to do with Rita's problems.  

A few days later, Rita called her sounding sheepish.  She and Carlos were back together again.  She realized that the messages and pictures that she found on Carlos' phone were from a few years ago and they didn't involve Lisa.

Rita was annoyed that Carlos kept these pictures and messages on his phone, but she forgave him and they were planning to take a romantic vacation together soon.  She also apologized to Lisa and told her that she didn't want to lose their 10 year friendship over a mistake that Rita had made.

Then, Rita said, "Lisa is very angry with you and I don't know if she will ever have anything to do with you again."

Anna's mind was spinning by the time Rita got back to talking about her reconciliation with Carlos and how passionate they had been the last few days, Anna wasn't even listening.

All Anna could think was, "I allowed myself to get pulled into someone else's drama and now I may have lost a good friend.  I'm too old for this."

After their conversation, Anna sat quietly for a while.  She felt that there was something old and familiar about all of this, but she wasn't sure what it was.

She tried to reach Lisa to apologize, but Lisa didn't return her calls.

When Anna talked to her husband about it, he told her that this was just like her feuding family and all their emotional drama.  He suggested that she talk to a therapist.

During Anna's therapy sessions, she began to see the similarity between the situation with her friends and old pattern of triangulation in her family.  

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna's mother was constantly getting into arguments and disputes with her siblings and then Anna and her sisters wouldn't see these relatives for months because of the feuding.

Anna realized that she had unconsciously developed the same pattern in her relationships.  Even though she was in her mid-30s, she was still getting in the middle of these feuds with friends as if they were teenagers.

After she overcame the shame and guilt, she was able to come to terms with the underlying issues and why it was so familiar, exciting and compelling to her.

Gradually, Anna worked through her family issues in therapy, and she learned to be more involved in her own life and not get pulled into these dramas.  

Conclusion

The initial excitement and compulsion to get involved in other people's emotional drama is often unconscious and based on early personal history.

When it comes to getting involved in drama, age often has little to do with it.  

An objective outsider might look at the situation and think that the people involved are acting like teenagers, but the people involved in the situation often have little awareness of this.

We each carry around our younger selves, including the infant, young child and the teenage selves.  Any one of them can get activated in a particular situation.

You might recognize the pattern in hindsight, but this is often not enough to disengage the next time because of the unconscious nature of the problem.

Boredom or depression can also be a factor in wanting the temporary "rush" involved with the drama.

Getting Help in Therapy

Since this problem is usually difficult to overcome alone, getting help in therapy is often the solution.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand the roots of this problem and why it feels so compelling whenever it occurs, despite the fact that it hasn't ended well in the past. 

Rather than suffering alone and continuing to make the same mistakes, freeing yourself from the effects of your history in therapy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome a habitual pattern of getting involved in other people's emotional drama and to stop creating their own.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Keeping Your Promises

In a prior article, Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations and Beliefs That Are Harmful to You, I discussed how family expectations and beliefs that are unhealthy can lead to an individual making a promise that can't be kept.

Keeping Your Promises

In the fictionalized vignette in that article, a young girl makes a promise to her grandmother and her mother that, when she becomes an adult, she will follow the family legacy of being the adult daughter who takes care of her mother when her mother becomes unable to take care of herself.

Keeping Your Promises

Part of that promise is that she won't place her mother in a nursing home no matter what happens.  But, eventually, when she becomes an adult, she is unable to keep this promise because she can no longer maintain her mother at home, as per her mother's doctor's recommendations.  It has become impossible in terms of what the mother needs medically as well as the toll that it is taking on her and her husband.

One of the points of that vignette is to demonstrate how challenging it can be to come up against certain family legacies that have been maintained for generations.  In the case of this vignette, the expectation is that the adult daughter takes care of the elderly mother until the end of the mother's life without complaining or calling on their brothers for help.

Another important point is that these family dynamics are so ingrained that they are often out of the awareness of the individual.  They are often unconscious until a person comes to therapy and the therapist helps the individual to discover these unconscious beliefs which are at the root of the problem.

In the case of this vignette, the adult daughter's unconscious belief were that she would be a "bad daughter" and a "bad person" if she broke her promise to her mother and grandmother by breaking with  a longstanding tradition in her family.

In this type of situation, even when a person understands logically that it would be detrimental to a loved one's health to keep this kind of promise, the unconscious belief can be so powerful that the person can still feel, on an emotional level, that they're "bad."  So, this is why it's so important for the therapist to work in an experiential way gets to the unconscious dynamics.

Most people would agree that, as in the case of this vignette, young children should never be put in the position of being asked to make such a promise.  Not only do they lack the capacity to understand at such a young age what they're agreeing to, but it also places a terrible burden on them.  And, as in the vignette discussed in the last article, it was a promise that eventually couldn't be kept because to do so would have been detrimental to everyone involved, especially the elderly mother.

What is a Promise?
On the most basic level, according to Merriam-Webster, the definition of a promise is "a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified."

What is a Promise?

When you make a promise, you're giving your word that you will keep your commitment.

Promises range from the ordinary, like making a promise to meet someone for dinner, to life changing events like pledging lifelong fidelity during a marriage ceremony.

Keeping or Breaking Your Promises
As an adult, before you make a promise it's important to consider beforehand whether you'll be able to keep that promise.

Of course, you can only work with the information that you have at hand, things change and there might be times when you're unable to keep your promise.  Most people will understand if, for example, occasionally, you have to cancel a dinner because you have an emergency at home.  But, generally speaking, when you make a promise, the other person expects you to maintain your commitment, so it's important to think first before making promises.

If you're in the habit of breaking promises, you might want to look at some of the questions below and consider these issues before making a promise.

What to Consider Before Making a Promise:

• Ask yourself why you're considering making a promise.  
• Are you doing it for yourself or primarily for the other person?  
• If you're not sure, it might be better to figure this out before making the promise, especially if it's a situation where the other person is really depending upon you in a critical matter. For instance, if you make a hasty promise to get the other person off your back, you and s/he might come to regret it when you're unable to fulfill your commitment.
• Are you taking into consideration all your other commitments?  
• Is it realistic for you to make this promise in light of the other obligations that you have in your life?  
• Are you over-committed already?
• Is this a promise that you're likely to keep?  
• There are some promises that are unlikely to be kept because we're human and we make mistakes.  For instance, if a husband promises his wife, "I'll never hurt you," can he really say that he'll never say or do anything in their marriage that will never hurt his wife?  Hopefully, there won't be anything that's big, like infidelity, but just about everyone in a long-term relationship, at some point, says or does something hurtful, even if it's only an angry look or a snarky comment made without thinking.  In most relationships, these issues are usually overcome if everything else is going well.  But no one can promise to be perfect in this way.

How to Handle a Broken Promise Under Ordinary Circumstances
There are times when you're not going to be able to keep your promise.  For example, I'm referring to an ordinary commitment that you've made to see a friend for dinner.  I'm not referring in this section to big important promises, like a promise to be faithful in your relationship, which I'll deal with in a future article.

Take Responsibility and Give as Much Notice as Possible

As I mentioned, most people will understand if, on occasion, you have to reschedule a dinner, as long as you don't have a pattern of breaking these commitments.

The important thing is to be as considerate as you can to the person that you made a commitment with by:

• Taking responsibility for breaking the commitment, even if it's unavoidable.  Acknowledging that you're breaking a promise shows that you understand that, even under unavoidable circumstances, you are aware that it's an inconvenience for the other person.
• Giving that person as much advanced notice as possible so s/he can make other plans or adjust their schedules accordingly.
• If possible, make an attempt to reschedule with your friend.
• Keep these broken commitments to a minimum by taking into account the questions outlined above before you make the commitment.

Feeling Good About Yourself By Keeping Your Promises and Commitments
When you can fulfill your promises and commitments, not only does it help you to strengthen and maintain your relationships with others, it also makes you feel good about yourself.

Keeping Your Promises Strengthens Your Relationships and Helps You to Feel Good About Yourself

When you keep your promises, you feel like a confident and trustworthy person.

Making it habit to keep your promises also helps you to continue developing your skill to keep your commitments in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to help them with their commitments in their personal life as well as in their career.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How is Talking to a Psychotherapist Different From Talking to a Friend?

As a psychotherapist, I often hear people, who have never been in therapy, ask the question, "How is talking to a therapist different from talking to a friend?"  This comes up often enough for people considering going to therapy that I think it's worth discussing in this article.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Many people, who have never been to therapy, think that there's no difference between speaking with a  licensed mental health practitioner and speaking with a friend.  They feel that the only difference is that they have to pay a therapist and they don't have to pay a friend, but working on your issues with a licensed psychotherapist is very different from talking to a friend.

Let's take a closer look at the differences:

Licensed Psychotherapists are Trained Mental Health Professionals
To be a licensed psychotherapist in New York, you have to get special training.  Aside from getting a graduate degree, a therapist must have of several years of experience in the field before she can call herself a licensed therapist.

Aside from taking mental health courses in graduate school, this also includes two internships as well as a fair amount of clinical supervision.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Psychotherapists who want more in-depth clinical training attend four more years of advanced training beyond graduate school as I did when I attended postgraduate mental health training.

Psychotherapists in New York also have to continue to develop professionally by attending continuing education courses to continue developing their clinical skills.

By the time a therapist is licensed in New York, she has already worked in the field for a while and has seen many clients.

An experienced therapist knows how to be attuned to clients (see my article:  A Psychotherapist's Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to Clients).

Licensed Psychotherapists Are Objective
Whereas your friends are caring and compassionate, they're usually not objective.  They might automatically take your side without being objective enough to see your situation in all of its complexity.  They might tell you what you want to hear or they might have some stake in the situation that you're dealing with at the time.

In addition, they might allow their personal feelings to get in the way of hearing what you have to say, especially if they're dealing with similar problems.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Psychotherapists are trained to be objective.  They're also trained to help you look at your problems from many different angles, possibly angles that you haven't considered before.  They can help you to develop new insights into yourself so that you can grow as a person.

In addition, they can help you to understand how your current problem might be related to your history.  This is often difficult for most people to do if they're not trained as a psychotherapist.

Licensed Psychotherapists Must Keep Your Sessions Confidential
Except under a few circumstances that involve either suicide, homicide or child or elder abuse, your psychotherapy sessions are confidential.

While your friend might inadvertently reveal your personal problems to someone else, your therapist is bound by confidentiality.

Also, therapists are trained to create a safe and emotionally supportive environment for clients without judging them (see my article: The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Therapy).

In addition, many people, who are concerned about a friend or a family member being judgmental, prefer to talk to a therapist about their problems.

Licensed Psychotherapists Are Trained to Maintain Appropriate Boundaries in Therapy Sessions
Along with maintaining confidentiality, psychotherapists get training to maintain professional ethics.

An experienced therapist knows how to develop a rapport with clients while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Licensed Psychotherapists Keep the Focus on You
Whereas your friend might want to also talk about her problems when you already feel overwhelmed by your own, a therapist focuses on you.

The therapy session is a time and place that is dedicated to only you.  The therapist isn't going to be talking about her problems.

The Importance of Having an Emotional Support System Outside of Therapy
As I've written in a prior article, it's important to have an emotional support system outside of therapy (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

It's not a matter of choosing friends or choosing to be in therapy.  Both are important and have different roles in your life.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've never attended therapy before, you might find it helpful to read my article, How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

There are times when we all need help.  If you haven't been able work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

During the holiday season, many people think about the childhood holidays they had with their families, which were disappointing.  As a adults, they look back on those times and feel sad as the holidays approach.

Usually, when clients talk about this in their therapy sessions with me, I remind them that, as children, there wasn't much they could do about miserable holidays because the adults were in charge.  But now, as adults, they have the power to create their own joyful holidays and their own traditions.  They're no longer dependent upon the adults to create the holiday occasion.  They can now use their own creativity to create the holiday they want.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

If spending time with your family of origin during the holidays is difficult, why not create your own holiday traditions with your family of choice--possibly, your significant other and your friends?

Developing your own holiday traditions and rituals can be fun as you use your imagination and creativity to have the kind of holiday that you desire.

I know people who consider their new holiday traditions with their spouses and friends to be their "real holiday" as opposed to their visits with their families.  Exchanging gifts, Christmas tree trimming, or Christmas caroling in their neighborhoods are among the traditions that they've incorporated with the people that they enjoy being with on the holidays.

Of course, there are many people who enjoy being with their families.  Not everyone had disappointing holidays.  But if you're someone who dreads the holidays because it brings up sad memories, remember that you're now empowered, as an adult, to create the kind of holiday that you want.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: andrihilary via photopin cc

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help - Part 1

Do you have problems asking for help?  Feeling comfortable asking for help doesn't come naturally for many people.  If you have problems asking for help, you're not alone.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Whether it's asking for help at home or at work, asking for help from family, friends or colleagues is often daunting for many people for a variety of reasons.  Shame is often a big factor.

Since this is a big topic for a blog, I'm going to deal with this issue in a few blog articles.  In this article, I'll discuss some common reasons why people often have problems asking for help.  In future blog articles about this topic, I will explore the consequences of being too fearful to ask for help and how to overcome this problem.

Common Reasons Why People Have Problems Asking For Help:

Fear of Appearing "Weak"
It's interesting that many people, who wouldn't hesitate for a second to help others, often feel that if they have to ask for help themselves that it's a sign of "weakness."

They don't feel this way about other people who ask them for help. But when something happens and they need help, they feel too ashamed to ask. They fear that others will judge them as being "weak" and "needy" if they need help.  

Fear of Loss of Control and Independence
Many people fear that if they have to rely on others to help them, they'll lose control over whatever the situation might be because the person who is helping them will take over.  Often, this has its roots in their childhood history where adults really did take over at that time without allowing the children to have any sense of control or independence.

As a society in the US, we idealize the qualities of independence and self reliance.  People who are able to overcome difficulties on their own by "pulling themselves up by their boot straps" are given high praise.  We glorify people who perform heroic acts, whether this occurs in the news, a movie, or a story in a book.  Because of this, many people feel they should be independent and self reliant all of the time.  They feel they should be able to cope with whatever life throws in their way, no matter what it is.

Fear of Looking Foolish or Stupid
No one wants to look bad.  People who are afraid of asking for help assume that others will see them as foolish or stupid for not being able to handle whatever situation they're dealing with on their own.

People who fear looking foolish or stupid don't want to lose face in front of friends, family or colleagues.  Once again, shame is a big part of the problem.  This can be made even more difficult in a work situation where colleagues are very competitive.

Fear of Being Disappointed Again
For people where there's a childhood history of neglect or abuse, they've learned at an early age that if they ask for help, they will be disappointed.  They've learned that people aren't reliable and it's better not to ask for help.

This could be exacerbated when these same people, as adults, unconsciously choose friends or romantic partners who are irresponsible or unreliable.   Without realizing it, they're often repeating a pattern from childhood by continuing to choose people who will disappointment them.  Then, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy again and again, confirming their belief that they shouldn't ask others for help.

Fear of Being a Burden to Others
Many psychotherapy clients have mentioned this fear, even when they have a large support network among family and friends who are more than willing to help them.  They automatically assume that people will feel burdened by a request for help.  So, rather than feeling like they're burdening others, they keep their need for help to themselves.

One of the underlying issues in this case is that, at the core, these people often don't feel "good enough" or lovable and, because of this, they don't feel entitled to ask for help.

Fear of Being Vulnerable or Being Duped In Some Way
People who have trust issues (often due to their early history) might fear that they will be duped in some way by people who say they will help them, but who have alternative motives.  They fear they will be taken advantage of by the person who is supposed to be helping them.  How much any one person feels this is a matter of degree ranging from a mild concern to bordering on paranoia.  This is similar to fear of being disappointed.

Fear of Being Assertive
Shyness or a feeling of awkwardness can stop someone from asking for help.  For these people,  it takes a lot of courage to admit that they need help, no matter what type of help it might be.  In many cases, these people also just don't know how to ask for help.  They've never learned how to do it.

Fear of What Will Be Asked In Return
For other people, asking for help automatically means that they'll be indebted to others and it will shift the power dynamic in their relationships.  They automatically assume that asking for help will come with an emotional "price tag" that they might not be able to pay.

Assumptions That Others Should Know That You Need Help Without Being Asked
Many people, who are either too ashamed to ask or feel they aren't deserving of help, rationalize not asking for help by saying that they feel others should already know that they need help without being asked directly.  They feel it should be obvious.

The problem is that, even when it seems obvious to you, other people, for a variety of reasons, often don't recognize it.  They might be completely willing to help if they're asked, but they either don't know or they're afraid to intrude on your situation or there could be so many other reasons why they don't volunteer their help, even though they'd be willing if asked.

When you shift the responsibility onto others because you think they should already know without your having to ask, you're not taking responsibility for what you need.  Once again, there is often a lot of shame underlying this mindset, but the blame gets shifted in a defensive manner onto others.

Getting Help in Therapy
I recognize that one of the most difficult challenges for many people is calling a therapist to ask for help.  People have many misconceptions about what it means to come to therapy, including that a person has to be "crazy" to go to therapy.  Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth.  Furthermore, therapists who go into private practice do so because they want to help people.

If you're considering attending therapy, it's often easier to ask for a consultation first.

When I receive calls from potential clients, I consider the first session to be a consultation where both the client and I see whether we are a good client-therapist match.

I will continue this discussion in future blog posts.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of asking for help.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.