Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

I discussed the importance of friendship, sense of community and belonging in two prior articles. 

The Importance of Close Friendships

In my article,  Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:

• Reduced loneliness and social isolation
• A source of emotional support
• Increased self esteem
• A sense of belonging and community
• Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
• A sense of purpose
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Enhanced immune functions
• Potential increase in life expectancy

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men. 

Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women

There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.

However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:

• Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.

• The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.

• A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.

Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships

• Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.

• Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.

Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends

• Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.

• A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.

• Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.

Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships

Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends.  They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their  partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs. 

A Strain on the Relationship 

They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.

It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.

In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.

How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships

• Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.

• Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

• Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.

If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.

Conclusion

There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.

Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.

Also See My Related Article: 

The Need For Connection and a Sense of Belonging 

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

I've written prior articles about fear of abandonment (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

In the current article I'm getting into my more detail to explore fear of abandonment.

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety including a fear of being abandoned by family members and significant others.

How Does Fear of Abandonment Manifest?

Fear of abandonment can manifest as

• Clinginess
• Distrust
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Everyone's experience is different.

Generally, fear of abandonment is often caused by past experiences and unresolved trauma including past relationship trauma and/or early childhood trauma.

What Are Some of the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

    Emotional Signs and Symptoms include:

• Anxiety and panic: Feeling overwhelmed and distressed by the possibility of being abandoned

• Distrust: Difficulty trusting others and fear others will leave

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Sensitivity to Criticism or Rejection: Reacting intensely to perceived criticism or rejection

• Fear of Intimacy: Fear of getting close to someone and, possibly, pushing them away if there is already a relationship

• Worry When It Seems Things Are Going Too Well: Feeling anxious when things seem to be going too well due to fear it will not last

Behavioral Signs and Symptoms include:

• Clinginess: Being overly dependent and needing constant reassurance

• Manipulative Behavior: Trying to control or manipulate others to avoid being left

• People Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict and rejection

• Sabotaging Relationships: Intentionally pushing people away or ending a relationship before they can be abandoned

• Social Isolation: Avoiding social situations or relationships to avoid getting hurt or abandoned (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

What Are the Roots of Fear of Abandonment?

• Childhood Experiences: Being emotionally neglected, abused or experiencing  inconsistent parenting can lead to emotional insecurity and a fear of being abandoned (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships).

• Traumatic Events: Unresolved childhood trauma, such as the death of a parent or other loved ones, can develop into a fear of being abandoned.

• Anxious Attachment Style: People who have an anxious attachment style can develop a fear of being abandoned.

How Can You Overcome Fear of Abandonment?

• Self Care: Practicing self compassion, engaging in activities that enhance your well-being and building a strong sense of self

• Developing Healthy Relationships: Establishing healthy relationships with people who are trustworthy, reliable and responsible 

• Seeking Emotional Support: Seeking support among loved ones who are emotionally supportive 
• 
  
• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: Making a commitment to work through unresolved trauma in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help an individual to overcome fear of abandonment:

Sara

When Sara first started dating Ed, she enjoyed her time with him. But as time went on and they developed stronger feelings for each other, Sara felt more insecure and anxious. She began worrying time that Ed would leave her now that she was in love with him. 

She would ask him repeatedly for reassurance that he wasn't planning on leaving her, which he was willing to do at first. But, after a while, he realized that no amount of reassurance would relieve her anxiety.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

When her anxiety felt out of control, she sought help in trauma therapy. 

In trauma therapy, she found out that her anxiety and insecurity had nothing to do with Ed--it mostly involved unresolved trauma regarding the emotional neglect she experienced as a child.

Over time, Sara learned how to separate her childhood experiences from her relationship with Ed. It wasn't easy, but she learned how to regulate her emotions during those moments when she felt anxious around Ed so she could be more present with him (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Learn to Separate Your Experiences From Back Then From Your Experiences Now).

Her therapist also used EMDR Therapy to help her to overcome her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer getting triggered when she was with Ed.

The work in trauma therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Sara overcame her anxiety and she and Ed became much closer.

Conclusion

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety.

Fear of abandonment can come up for a variety of reasons, as mentioned earlier in this article.

If this anxiety isn't addressed in therapy, it can get worse over time, so it's better to get help sooner rather than later in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people don't realize they have fear of abandonment until they enter into an exclusive relationship where emotional vulnerability comes up.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have tried to overcome fear of abandonment on your own without success, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has training and expertise in trauma therapy, like EMDR or other types of trauma therapy like AEDP, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma)

Once you have worked through your fear and anxiety about being abandoned, you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Many Layers of Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time (see my article:  Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).

The Many Layers of Grief

The 5 Stages of Grief

The idea that there are stages of grief was developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s. 

According to Kubler-Ross, these stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

Although these stages are usually thought to be linear, they often occur in no particular order and they're often reoccurring. 

For instance, if someone experiences anger first, they might experience denial, depression and bargaining and a certain level of acceptance. 

But over time this same person will probably re-experience these stages in no particular order on certain anniversaries (e.g, birthdays, anniversaries of their loved one's death and holidays).

In addition, acceptance has many layers to it. There is the initial acceptance that the death has occurred, but over time acceptance can deepen as the meaning of this loss also deepens.

The Many Layers of Grief

In addition to the 5 Stages of Grief, people often experience grief in waves and in layers.

Anyone who has ever grieved for the loss of a loved one is aware that grief comes in waves. Weeks, months and years after the loss you might experience a wave of grief come over you for no apparent reason that you're aware of at the time.

The Many Layers of Grief

The concept that there can be layers of grief over time isn't commonly recognized.  The layers, which often go with the stages, are usually experienced from surface to depth.  

In other words, even if you go through all five stages several times and in a different order or in a combination of stages each time, you might go through these stages in more profound ways each time from surface to depth.

Although this is understandable when the loss is close, people are often surprised to go through many layers of grief even when they were estranged from the person who died or the death was of a relative they never knew (see my article: (see my article: Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how grief can come in layers over time for an estranged family member:

Sara

When Sara received the phone call from the police that her estranged older sister, June, was found dead from an overdose of heroin hundreds of miles away, she was shocked at first. She and her sister had estranged for over 20 years (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation).

Growing up Sara wasn't close to June. By the time Sara was five years old, her older sister had already quit high school to move in with a boyfriend that no one in the family liked, so Sara never saw her sister again.

As friends and family members heard about the June's death, they reached out to Sara to express their condolences (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Way).

In response to their concern, Sara told them that she didn't have a sense of loss because she and June weren't close. She said she was just glad that June wasn't suffering anymore.

After Sara and her husband arranged for June's burial, they resumed their daily activities as if nothing had happened. But over time June's feelings changed. She noticed that her level of acceptance of June's death evolved over time.

As time passed and she went through what was left of June's personal belongings, Sara felt waves of sadness to be missing the sister she had never really known. 

Going through one of June's picture albums, Sara was surprised to discover that June kept pictures of her when she was a baby. It was at that point that Sara realized, even though June was someone she never really knew, she was important to June in ways she had never known.

The Many Layers of Grief

After discovering the pictures of herself, Sara made an effort to find out more about her sister. 

With much effort, she was able to find people in the area where June lived who knew her. She discovered that, before her life took a precipitous decline, June liked to draw portraits, including portraits of Sara when she was a baby.

She also discovered that up until June began abusing heroin, she loved to cook and she often invited friends and neighbors to her home for a meal, including people who were much less fortunate than her.

No one who knew June in the past was sure why her life took such a turn for the worse because she isolated herself in her final years. 

But some former friends believed her life got worse after she began a relationship with a man who introduced her to heroin. They surmised that after he left June, she kept to herself and her heroin use got worse until the day she overdosed.

As she discovered more about her sister, Sara was surprised to feel a depth of grief for June she would have never anticipated. 

Soon after that, she began therapy to deal with her loss.

People who are estranged from family members for a long time and people who have never known certain relatives are often surprised by the many layers of grief they feel.

Grieving in Your Own Way

We're hardwired for attachment in order to survive as babies. We're not hardwired for grief.

Grief is a topic that makes many people feel uncomfortable. In fact, many people try to avoid feeling emotions related to grief. 

The Many Layers of Grief

Those who aren't grieving often express surprise when people who have experienced a loss are continuing to grieve. 

Many make unkind remarks like, "You're still sad about your loss? How can this be when it's been over a year?" or "You just need to get out there and meet someone new."

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, there's no one right or wrong way to grieve so if you're grieving, you'll go through it in your own time and in your own way, but it's important to make room for all your feelings.  

Certain rituals in various cultures are meant to help those who are grieving to acknowledge their feelings and come together with other people for emotional support (see my article: The Power of Creating Rituals).

The Many Layers of Grief

But after everyone has gone home and returned to their lives, you'll probably realize your life has changed in unanticipated ways after your loss.  

You might return to work and other routines but, just like any other profound experience, grief can change you.

Aside from experiencing the loss, you might also discover that, over time, grief can give you a new appreciation for love and life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through grief in their own way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Coping With Grief: It's Common For Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Complicated Grief

Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Taking Care of Yourself After the Death of a Loved One

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Who Are You After Both Parents Have Died?

The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' House After They Die

Writing as a Way to Cope With Grief

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In my prior article, Understanding Healthy Boundaries: Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries, I focused on the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In the current article, I'm focusing on balancing empathy with maintaining healthy boundaries  (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

What is the Role of Empathy in Boundary Setting?

Empathy is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships because empathy:

• Helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings and experiences of others

• Helps you to be an active listener

• Allows you to validate others' emotions

• Helps you with conflict resolution so you and others can work out conflicts together

• Helps you to develop an emotional bond between you and others

• Helps you and others to have a greater sense of shared humanity

Why is It Challenging to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries?

Empathy motivates you to connect with others' emotions and experiences.

Maintaining healthy boundaries, which is essential to your well-being, helps you to take care of yourself.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

Trying to balance empathy and healthy boundaries can make you feel like you're not being helpful to others and can put you in conflict with yourself about whether to take care of others or to take care of yourself.

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries becomes a balancing act where you're supportive of others but you're also taking care of yourself so you don't get emotionally depleted or overwhelmed.

Here are some reasons why this balancing act can be challenging:

• Empathetic people want to be emotionally supportive so this can make setting boundaries difficult. It can make them feel selfish. They might even doubt their own need to take care of themselves.

• Empathetic people might not understand their own emotional needs so they don't know when to set healthy boundaries with others. They might even have porous boundaries which makes boundary setting even more difficult. They might also vacillate between having porous boundaries and having boundaries that are too rigid.

• People who are naturally supportive are concerned that setting boundaries will make them appear lacking in compassion. 

• Highly empathic people often absorb the emotions of people that are around them, which can lead to fatigue and burnout.

• Social or cultural expectations might make empathetic people feel pressured into putting others' needs before their own or lead to inner conflict.

Examples of Challenges With Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following scenarios are fictional examples of situations that often come up when people are trying to set healthy boundaries in personal and work-related relationships:

Setting Boundaries in a Personal Friendship

Mary and Nina were close friends since childhood.  

When they were teenagers, Mary understood that Nina came from a family with a lot of challenges, so she always made herself available whenever Nina was having a problem at home.  There were even times when Mary's parents allowed Nina to stay over when Nina's parents were fighting.

As an adult, Nina had ongoing problems in her personal and work-related relationships.  

Mary often told Nina that therapy helped her to overcome personal challenges and she suggested that Nina seek help in therapy.  But Nina told Mary that she "didn't believe in therapy" and she refused to get help.  Instead, she continued to lean on Mary emotionally whenever she had problems.

Mary wanted to be emotionally supportive, but she often felt Nina's problems were overwhelming her (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

When Mary brought this up in her therapy, her therapist spoke to Mary about setting healthy boundaries with Nina in a kind and tactful way.  

Mary thought about this for a while before she felt comfortable enough to speak with Nina. But when she finally spoke to Nina, Mary's message was not well received. 

Old feelings got triggered in Nina of being emotionally invalidated. She felt like hurt and she rejected. She also felt she was "too much" for Mary to bear, which brought up a lot of shame for her.

All of this put a strain on their friendship and they didn't speak for several months.

Out of desperation, Nina decided to give therapy a try.  

Once Nina became more self aware, she was able to come back to Mary with greater understanding so they could resume their friendship in a healthier way.

Mary also learned a lot about setting boundaries from this situation. She realized she tended to get overly involved in Nina's problems for reasons that involved her own personal history. She continued to work on this in her therapy to improve her ability to set healthy boundaries.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Professional Relationship

Joan was Bill's personal coach.  Most of the time they focused on helping him to develop his motivation to complete his dissertation. But there were times when Bill wanted additional time in their sessions to talk about challenges in his relationship with his wife.

Joan was naturally an empathetic person who wanted to help others. She empathized with Bill's personal problems and sometimes she allowed him to talk their beyond their scheduled time without getting compensated for it.  But afterwards, she felt emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated because she didn't know how to help Bill with his personal problems. 

Joan sought help from a mentor who had a lot of personal coaching experience, and he advised her to set boundaries with Bill.  He also advised her that, since she wasn't a mental health professional, she was working outside the scope of her expertise when Bill talked about his personal problems.

In addition, he encouraged her to value her time and not allow Bill to regularly go over the allotted time of their session.  

He gave her the name of a licensed psychotherapist in Bill's area and recommended that she explain to Bill why they needed to limit their sessions to the original parameters they had agreed upon--helping him to get motivated to complete his dissertation. And she explained why they couldn't delve into personal topics that were beyond her expertise as a personal coach.

But when Joan gave Bill the contact information for the psychotherapist, he expressed feeling hurt and rejected by Joan. 

He told Joan he didn't understand why she couldn't listen to his marital problems. In response, Joan reviewed the original agreement they had worked out and explained, once again, why he needed to get help from a mental health professional.

Even though Bill had paid for 10 coaching sessions in advance, he decided to forego the remaining five sessions because he felt hurt and rejected and he no longer wanted to work with Joan.

However, he knew he needed help, so he followed up with Joan's referral to a psychotherapist. After he developed greater self awareness in therapy, he called Joan to apologize for his inappropriate boundaries and thanked her for encouraging him to seek help from a therapist.

This situation was also a learning experience for Joan in terms of setting boundaries with future clients. 

How to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following suggestions can help you to balance empathy and healthy boundaries:

• Understand Your Needs: Start by developing an understanding of your own personal needs. It might feel uncomfortable to focus on yourself first, but this is where the process needs to start.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries: Understand Your Needs

• Express Your Needs: When you're in the process of setting boundaries, focus on explaining your needs without blaming or shaming the other person. This can be challenging because it's often the case that people who tend to lean on others a lot don't have good personal boundaries themselves. As a result, they might not understand where you're coming from. In addition, based on their own personal history, your boundary setting might trigger old unresolved trauma related to shame. While this is unfortunate, as long as you're tactful and caring, you're not responsible for other people's unresolved trauma. It's their responsibility to get the professional help they need from a licensed mental health professional.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If healthy boundary setting is new or challenging for you, seek help in therapy to work on this issue as well as the underlying issues involved for you. For instance, if you were your parents' confidante when you were a young child, you might feel it's naturally your role to take on other people's problems. However, whether you're aware of it or not, being your parents' confidante as a young child was traumatic and overwhelming. If you're continuing to put yourself in that role with others, you're repeating an unhealthy pattern.

Get Help in Therapy

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries might be challenging for you at first, especially if you were a parentified child where, due to a role reversal, you "parented" your parents by being their primary emotional support system as a young child (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships).

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to define your personal needs and learn to set healthy boundaries with empathy and care.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to set healthy boundaries. 

If your therapist specializes in trauma, she can also help you to work through the unresolved trauma that might be at the root of your problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many clients to work through trauma so they can develop healthy boundaries (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.