Journal Prompts to Cope With Perfectionism

As I discussed in a prior article, Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety, journaling is a powerful tool when you want to make changes in your life.

When you're struggling with trying to be "perfect", journaling can help you to soften your perfectionistic tendencies, including calming down your inner critic (see my article: The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis).

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Journaling can also help you to understand the root of your problem and also develop self compassion for the critical part of yourself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

The act of journaling gives you a safe space to explore your feelings.

The other benefits to journaling about perfectionism include:

• Explore the Roots of Your Problem and the Triggers - Understanding the origin of your problem can also help you understand how perfectionism became a survival strategy and coping mechanism.

• Your Early Influences: Did your parents, teachers, mentors or other people in your life exhibit perfectionist behavior?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Your Earliest Memories: What is your first memory of feeling the urge to be "perfect"?

• Your Current Triggers: What specific situations trigger your inner critic and perfectionist behavior (e.g., family, relationships, work, fitness etc)?

• Your Cultural Pressure: How do your cultural and social circles influence how you feel about past achievements and future aspirations?

• Your Past and Current Survival Strategies: How did perfectionism act as a survival strategy in the past and in current situations? How is it hurting you now?

• Have Dialogues With Your Inner Critic - Perfectionism often shows up in extreme ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. You can challenge rigid rules and reframe distorted thoughts and unhelpful feelings and behaviors:

• Define "Good Enough": What internal or external benchmarks do you use to decide if a task or project is "good enough" and complete? (Perfection vs. Good Enough).

• Expose the Hidden Rules: What unconscious rules do you live by that keep your anxiety and perfectionism high?

• Consider the Worst Case Scenario: If you were to fail at your current goal, project or task, what is the worst thing that could happen?

• Choose Alternative Self Talk: What is a harsh thought about yourself that you had recently? What is a kinder, more realistic alternative that you can tell yourself instead?

• Redefine Failure: What is your current emotional relationship with failure? How can you see it as useful information for you instead of failure?

• Release Control and Embracing Failure - Letting to of perfectionism allows you to focus and feel free about the process:

• Loosen Your Grip: Where in your life are you trying to control the outcome the most?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Try an Experiment: What is one small thing you can intentionally do imperfectly this week just to see the outcome?

• Lower the Bar: Which of your deadlines or unrealistic self-imposed standards can you safely lower today?

• Learn to Enjoy the Mess: What would you enjoy right now if you weren't concerned about making it "perfect"?

• Reclaim Your Time: What would help the perfectionist part of yourself to relax and soften to give you some free time back?

• Celebrating Progress and Self Compassion - Shift your focus to the personal growth you have developed and not on what you have left to do:

• Focus on Past Desires: What do you currently do or possess that you wanted in the past? Ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago?

• Focus on Boundary Wins: What demands are you now declining that you used to  accept out of guilt or shame?

• Recognize Unseen Achievements: Write down three wins from this week that have nothing to do with external productivity--no matter how small they are.

• Recognize Your Unconditional Self Worth: Aside from your accomplishments or hoped-for accomplishments and regardless of productivity, what qualities do you possess that make you an inherently valuable person?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Quick Tips For Journalers Who Are Perfectionists

People who have perfectionist tendencies often struggle with journaling because they get stuck in certain areas. This is usually because they:

• Want to pick the "perfect" book or online site to use to journal.
• Believe their journal should be "flawless" with no scratch outs or scribbles.
• Believe that whatever they write should be very insightful all the time.

If this sounds like you, you can try these quick tips to see if they're helpful for you:

• The "Ruin It" Strategy: If you're writing in a journal book, you can start your journal with a big intentional scribble to break the distortion in your thinking that your journal must be "perfect".

• Time Your Writing Sessions: Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and stop writing when the timer goes off--even if you are in mid-sentence. This can help you to overcome the habit that what you're doing must be completely finished.

• No Editing Allowed: Use a pen. Don't cross out mistakes. Don't tear out pages from your journal. Allow the journal to be messy.

Get Help in Therapy

These journal prompts and tips can help you to cope with perfectionism.

However, if you want to overcome perfectionism, you might need to do deeper work with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the problems that are holding you back.

Get Help in Therapy 

Rather than struggling on your own, IFS Therapy is particularly effective at helping clients to overcome perfectionism and other problems (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence Based Therapy).

 I will write more about how IFS therapy helps overcome perfectionism this in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Fear of Change 

What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset? 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy? 

Coping With Perfectionism in Relationships

 

Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Parts Work Therapy

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is an evidence-based therapy approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind as made up of a complex system of parts that are led by an undamaged Core Self.

IFS Core Self, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS operates on the fundamental principle that there are "no bad parts". In other words, every part of yourself developed with a protective intention of helping you to survive.

What is the Structure of the Mind in IFS?

In IFS your mind consists of of a Core Self (also known as a True Self) and three distinct aspects:

The Core Self: 

The authentic, compassionate part of your being, the Core Self cannot be damaged by trauma. The qualities of the Core Self consist of the 8 Cs: 

• Calmness
• Curiosity
  
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Connectedness
  

Exiles: 

Exiles are the wounded, vulnerable parts of your mind. They usually originate from childhood trauma which often carry painful emotions like shame, anxiety and loneliness. Exiles are often out of conscious awareness until they get triggered so that they might not cause you overwhelming pain. They are "managed" by Manager and Firefighter parts (see below). 

Common examples of exile parts include: 

• The Abandoned Child Part: This part carries a deep terrifying fear of being rejected, left behind or unloved.

• The Shamed Child Part: This part carries the core belief of being inherently defective, unlovable, ugly or not good enough.

Shamed Child Exile Part

• The Invisible Child: This part feels completely unseen, unheard, uncared for and unimportant to caregivers and peers.

• The Terrorized Part: This part stores the raw terror, helplessness and physical panic of a past traumatic event.

• The Neglected Part: This part experiences chronic emptiness and a painful longing for affection and care.

• The Judged Part: This part contains the harsh criticism, feeling constantly scrutinized and inadequate.

What Are Common Triggers That Activate Exiles?

• A partner not responding to a text immediately
• Receiving constructive feedback during a work review
• Feeling excluded from a social event or group chat 
• Experiencing a minor medical scare or physical injury

Managers: 

Proactive protectors that run your daily life, they help to keep you organized, controlled, safe by trying to ensure that Exile parts don't come to the surface and flood you with overwhelming pain. Examples of manager parts include: 

• The Inner Critic: Monitors and evaluates your behavior with harsh self-talk. It shames you internally as a maladaptive way to motivate. It aims to correct flaws before anyone else detects them and judges you (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and demands flawlessness. This part believes that if your performance, appearance or work is completely "perfect", you will remain safe from failure, rejection or embarrassment (see my article: What is Perfectionism?).

The Perfectionist

• The People Pleaser/Caretaker: Prioritizes the emotions, comforts and needs of others over your own self-care. It seeks constant validation and smooths over external conflict to keep others happy, ensuring they never abandon you or reject you (Trauma and the People-Pleaser Part).

The People Pleaser/Caretaker

• The Planner/Controller: Attempts to micro-manager every aspect of your life, schedule and relationships. It obsesses over predictability and prepares for worst case scenarios to eliminate the danger of unforeseen emotional triggers. 

• The Achiever/Taskmaster: Drives relentless productivity and focuses heavily on success. It links your basic human worth to tangible output and accomplishments to shield you from feelings of inadequacy.

The Achiever/Taskmaster

• The Intellectualizer/Thinker: Relies strictly on logic, data and rational analysis. It acts as a cognitive shield, analyzing problems from a detached distance to explain away feelings and keep you from experiencing raw emotion.

• The Publicist/Image Manager: Carefully curates your words, physical presentation and external reputation. It ensures you always look highly competent, composed and successful to the outside world, masking any internal vulnerability (see my article: Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self).

• The Avoider/Passive Pessimist: Keeps a safe distance from emotionally risky situations, intimacy or new challenges. It protects the system by shutting down, opting for withdrawal or passivity so that closeness cannot trigger suppressed wounds.

Firefighters:

Firefighter are reactive protective parts that step in aggressively when an Exile's pain breaks through the Manager's defenses. They attempt to rapidly extinguish or numb emotional distress by any means necessary. 

Unlike Manager parts which proactively plan to manage pain, Firefighter parts act impulsively and they are focused on immediate, short term relief without considering the long term consequences. These include:

The Numb-Out and Escape Strategies: These parts seek to detach from reality or dull the intensity of an activated emotion:

• The Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller: This part can spend hours scrolling social media, playing video games or binge watch TV to completely tune out reality.

Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller on Social Media

• The Dissociator: Pulls your mind away from your body causing you to "zone out" during intense situations or to feel detached from your physical presence.

• The Sleeper: Uses extreme fatigue or unprompted naps as a tactical emergency exit to avoid experiencing distress.

• The Daydreamer: Escapes chronic pain by retreating entirely into elaborate fantasies or internal worlds. 

The Substance Abuse and Comfort Soothers

These parts look to external, chemical or physical substances to smother painful feelings immediately:

• The Drinker/User: Relies heavily on alcohol, marijuana or other substances to artificially quiet an internal emotional storm.

• The Comfort Eater: Urges overeating to blanket feelings of loneliness, sadness or stress.

• The Compulsive Shopper: Impulsively spends to get the sudden burst of dopamine to mask an inner void (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

The Impulse and Adrenaline Chasers

These parts attempt to replace unbearable underlying emotions, like shame or helplessness, with highly stimulating, high octane physical sensations:

• The Rager: Deflects vulnerable feelings by launching into sudden, explosive angry outbursts, slamming doors or starting verbal fights.

The Risk Taker

• The Risk Taker: Drives dangerously or engages in reckless behavior such as extreme speeding, gambling or unsafe sexual encounters, using adrenaline to overpower emotional pain.

• The Self Harmer: Expresses internal pain or seeks release from emotional numbness through physical self injury or suicidal ideation.

How Do Managers and Firefighters Differ From Each Other?

To understand your internal world, it helps to understand the difference between Manager parts, Firefighter parts and Exiles:

Managers

• Core Strategy: Control and prevention
• Behavioral Goal: Keep life orderly; minimize social and emotional risk
• Timing: Proactive (before pain occurs)

Firefighters

• Core Strategy: Distraction and numbing
• Behavioral Goal: Extinguish overwhelming emotional fires at all costs (e.g, drinking, drugging, gambling, dissociation, etc).
• Timing: Reactive (after an exile is triggered)

Exiles

• Core Strategy: Vulnerability and burden
• Behavioral Goal: Contain deep emotional wounds, childhood trauma, shame and loneliness
• Timing: Suppressed (hidden beneath protector parts)

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is an effective, evidence-based, gentle trauma therapy. 

Although it is gentle, it is also powerful in terms of healing trauma.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS prioritizes pacing, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework that doesn't force a client to relive their traumatic events. 

If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, consider working with a skilled IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

How Can IFS Help With Trauma?

 

The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In my prior article, Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?, I looked at perfectionism through the lens of trauma that is passed on from one generation to the next.

The Connection Between Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In the current article, I'm discussing the cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis (also known as avoidance).

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

Perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis form a cycle where an obsession with perfection is the driver leading to avoidance (procrastination) and ultimately resulting in inaction (paralysis).

This self-sabotaging loop occurs because impossible standards create anxiety which makes starting or finishing tasks feel overwhelming and risky (see my article: Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior).

Understanding the Cycle of Fear

• Perfectionism (The Driver): Striving for impossible results, setting impossibly high standards and using all-or-nothing thinking.

• Procrastination (The Behavior): Delaying work or some other action because of a fear that the outcome won't meet the impossibly high standards. This inaction or avoidance can be disguised as "waiting for the right time".

• Paralysis (The Result): Becoming stuck and unable to start or finish a task, project or other commitment due to the pressure of wanting it to be "perfect".

How to Break the Cycle

• Be Aware: "Done is Better Than Perfect": Focus on starting and completing tasks rather than making them "perfect".

• Break Down Tasks: Divide tasks into more manageable and less intimidating parts.

• Set Time Limits: Limit the time you spend "polishing" and trying to make something "perfect".

• Practice Self Compassion: Work towards calming down your inner critic and accept that mistakes are inevitable and part of the learning process (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Work on Underlying Issues: The cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis often develops at an early age related to unresolved psychological trauma. Working through these underlying issues with a licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the underlying issues and resolution to the problem.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the cycle discussed above and how psychotherapy can help.

Jean

Ever since she was a child, Jean approached all tasks and projects with a lot of anxiety. Her parents made her do her homework over and over again until they assessed it was "perfect" (excellent penmanship, no erasures, etc).

When she got to college, Jean had problems getting her papers in on time because her need to make everything "perfect" would cause her to either rewrite her papers many times before she could turn them in or her fear of the papers being less than "perfect" caused her to procrastinate and get the papers in late. There were times when she felt so anxious that she wasn't able to even start the papers.

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

One of Jean's professors, who recognized that Jean was intelligent and hard working, suggested that Jean get help in therapy to overcome these problems.

Working in trauma therapy, Jean gained insight into the origin of her problem and used the tools and strategies her therapist provided to get her papers in on time.

As part of her therapy, her therapist, who used Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy (IFS), helped Jean to work through these issues by getting her inner critic to soften and step aside so she could complete her tasks. Jean also learned to strengthen her Core Self so she was no longer influenced by the parts of herself that strove for "perfection".

Get Help in Therapy

If self help techniques haven't helped you to overcome perfectionism, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Overcoming the root cause of your problem can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame is a painful emotion which is part of a deep sense of being flawed, unworthy and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame often stems from early childhood experiences of trauma including abuse and emotional neglect (see my article: What is the Difference Between Childhood Abuse and Neglect?).

Shame is feeling bad about who you are as opposed to guilt which is feeling bad about something you did (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

Core Concepts About Shame

• Childhood/Developmental Trauma: Abuse, neglect and punitive parenting often leads to long lasting feelings of inadequacy.

• The Internal Critic: Negative messages from parents and other authority figures are internalized. This creates the internal critic which devalues the individual and makes them feel ashamed of themself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

• Cultural Expectations: An inability to meet cultural, societal or religious expectations can create feelings of shame.

• Fear of Disconnection: Shame is a response to the fear of being rejected by others. 

• Trauma and Mental Health: Shame is a common outcome of trauma. Shame is also at the root of many other mental health issues (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

• Social Media and Comparison: Social media can fuel shame through constant comparisons with regard to perceived shortcomings about looks, success or other issues (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

How is Self Acceptance an Antidote to Shame?

Self acceptance is an antidote to shame because it can dismantle a harsh inner critic as well as feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

By developing self acceptance you can overcome the toxic effects of shame.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

You can also develop emotional resilience to develop a kinder, more loving relationship with yourself.

How to Develop Self Acceptance

There are many ways you can develop self acceptance including:

• Focusing on your strengths (see my article: Focusing on Your Strengths).

• Journaling to increase your self awareness and self compassion

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

• Develop an external perspective: Ask yourself what your best friend would say about you

• Meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help to deepen self awareness and compassion

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

By working through unresolved trauma related to your feelings of shame, you can free yourself of your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Build Your Self Esteem

What is Self Esteem?

Before we discuss how to build your self esteem, let's start by defining self esteem.

Building Your Self Esteem

Self esteem includes 

• A sense of self worth and value

• Self respect

• An overall sense of yourself

What Affects Your Self Esteem?

Your self esteem is shaped by many aspects including

• Early childhood experiences 

• Personal relationships and prior experiences

• Thoughts

• Relationships

• Motivation

• Resilience

• Acceptance of imperfections, mistakes and challenges

What Are the Key Aspects of Self Esteem?

• Self evaluation including your subjective thoughts and beliefs ("I am lovable" or "I am capable") and other feelings about yourself

Building Self Esteem

• A foundation of well-being that supports your mental health and relationships

What is the Difference Between Healthy Self Esteem vs Low Self Esteem?

Healthy Self Esteem: 

• You accept your strengths.

• You recognize areas where you need to improve and accept this with self compassion and without judgment.

• You are resilient to constructive criticism.

Low Self Esteem: 

• You experience self doubt.

• You might have a fear of failure. 

• You might engage in people-pleasing. 

• You might engage in negative self talk. 

• Other possible behavioral dynamics

How is Self Esteem Different From Self Confidence?

Self esteem and confidence are related; however, self esteem is your general sense of self worth and self confidence is usually related to certain skills.

For instance, your overall self esteem might be good, but you might feel less confident in your public speaking ability and more confident in your ability to solve problems.

How to Build Your Self Esteem

Building your self esteem includes:

A Healthy Mindset

• Practicing Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you would treat a loved one. 

Building Self Esteem

• Challenge Negative Self Talk: Become aware of your inner critic and reframe negative thoughts into more realistic positive thoughts.

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Focus on your own journey and progress instead of comparing yourself (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others).

• Identify Your Strengths: Write down your strengths and focus on them.

Actions and Habits

• Set Achievable Goals: Start small and celebrate your victories as you build momentum to bigger goals (see my article: Celebrate Your Success).

• Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy and you're good at.

Building Self Esteem

• Prioritize Self Care: Get enough sleep, eat nutritious meals, exercise at a pace that's right for you (see my article: Taking Time For Self Care).

• Be Assertive: Recognize the difference between healthy assertiveness and aggression (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Learn to set healthy boundaries and ask for what you need without guilt.

• Help Others: Volunteering and engaging in acts of kindness can give you a sense of purpose and meaning.

Relationships

• Choose Supportive People: Choose people who value you and treat you well.

Building Self Esteem

• Limit Negativity: Reduce your exposure to negative influences, including social media.

• Communicate With Trusted Loved Ones: Share your struggles with trusted loved ones to build connection and realize that others often struggle with the same problems.

Deeper Self Esteem

• Clarify Your Values: Understand what values matter to you (e.g., kindness, learning, connection and belonging).

• Take Action: Take steps to build your self esteem rather than waiting for it to happen.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried to build your self esteem and you feel stuck, rather than struggling alone, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome obstacles that are getting in your way.

Get Help in Therapy

Building your self esteem can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.