Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

New psychotherapy clients, who have never been in therapy before, often ask why therapists ask about family history as part of the beginning phase of therapy.

Talking About Family History as a First Step in Therapy

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

Here are the main reasons why asking about family history is so important to the success of therapy:

• Family Dynamics: The family dynamics often reflect how someone in that family sees themself and how they interact in their relationships with others, including romantic relationships. Family dynamics, which are internalized at an early age, often remain unconscious until someone begins therapy and learns to see connections between their early experiences and their adult relationships (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

• Attachment Patterns: Attachment patterns developed at an early age tend to affect adult relationships. Similar to internalized family dynamics, attachment patterns are often unconscious so that a client is often unaware of it until they develop insight about the affect of these dynamics in therapy (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Develop Early in Childhood

• Transmission of Psychological Trauma: It's not unusual for there to be unprocessed trauma that gets transmitted from one generation to the next in a family. When an individual gets help in trauma therapy, they can see the origins of their trauma and process the trauma so it no longer affects them and it doesn't get passed on to the next generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

• Learned Behavior: Individuals often learn patterns of behavior early in their childhood. They might not be aware they learned this behavior, including how to express emotions, how to deal with stress and how to interact with others, until they become aware of these dynamics in therapy. During therapy their therapist helps them to make connections between their current behavior and what they learned (explicitly or implicitly) early in life (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Genetic Factors: Certain mental health conditions have a genetic component. This includes anxiety, depression, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), autism spectrum disorder and other mental health conditions. Knowing about the possibility of genetic factors can help a client to understand their risk for developing these conditions, help with early detection and make informed mental health treatment decisions.

How Do Psychotherapists Use Family History Information?

Different therapists use family history information in different ways.

As an Experiential therapist with a specialty in trauma therapy, I like to get a family history during the early phase of therapy.  This is part of history taking which, depending upon what the client wants to work on, includes family history, current family dynamics, the history of other significant relationships as well as the history of the presenting problem.

By having the family history, the client and I can work towards:

• Identify recurring patterns

• Understand the context of the client's current problems

• Develop coping skills, strategies and internal resources to do trauma therapy.

• Process the trauma using various forms of therapy (see below)

Conclusion

Getting a family history during the beginning phase of therapy is an important first step in helping clients to overcome their emotional challenges.

Experiential therapists know the client's awareness and insight isn't enough to heal (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Insight is only the first step before the therapist helps clients to work through and overcome their problems through a variety of Experiential Therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Psychotherapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis
  

• Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family System also known as IFS as well as Ego States Therapy)

• Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (also known as depth therapy)

All of these Experiential therapy modalities are effective types of therapy depending upon the client and the presenting problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with emotional issues you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy

Parts Work therapy assumes that everyone has many different aspects as part of their psychological world (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists).

Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy

This article focuses on how you can understand your internal world and the role of Parts Work in overcoming psychological problems.

What is Parts Work and How Is It Different From Traditional Therapy?

Parts Work is a broad category for different types of therapy including but not limited to:

• Gestalt therapy
• Ego States Therapy
  
• Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• Voice Dialogue therapy
• Jungian archetypes

Each of these modalities has its own unique method for helping you to access your internal world of parts and to heal traumatized parts.

Getting to Know the Many Parts of Yourself in Parts Work Therapy

What each of these modalities has in common is an understanding that psychological healing involves more than developing psychological insight into your unresolved problems. 

Beyond insight, it involves getting to know your psychological landscape and giving a voice to the many different facets of yourself.

Unlike some traditional forms of psychotherapy, which assume certain thoughts and emotions are negative or unwanted, Parts Work is nonjudgmental and fosters a sense of acceptance for all parts of yourself.  

Compassionate self acceptance allows you to have a gentler way of approaching aspects of yourself related to unresolved problems.

Rather than trying to get rid of the parts of yourself you don't like, Parts Work allows you to integrate these parts in a healthy way by:

• Giving a voice to each part
• Allowing each part to communicate what it needs and what it fears
• Understanding how and why each part gets triggered
• Developing a healthy relationship with each part to foster psychological integration and healing

How I Use Parts Work With Clients

I have many different ways of helping clients to overcome unresolved problems, including problems related to complex trauma.

• Parts Work (Ego States therapy and Internal Family Systems as described in this article) 

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy

• Somatic Experiencing

To choose a particular modality, I assess which type of therapy is best for a client's needs in collaboration with the client.  

As a therapist who integrates many different modalities, I often integrate different types of therapy based on the needs of the client.

For instance, as a trauma therapist, I might assess that EMDR therapy is the best way to begin with a particular client. 

Even though I have chosen EMDR to start, I'm aware clients often encounter an obstacle along the way and we will need to overcome this block to continue with EMDR.  This obstacle is referred to as an emotional block.

The metaphor that is often associated with encountering a block in EMDR is one where a moving train is blocked due to fallen tree on the tracks.  The train can't proceed until the tree (or block) is removed, so this is where Parts Work can be integrated with EMDR to overcome an obstacle in the treatment.

By exploring the obstacle through Parts Work, the client and I can discover the nature of this blocking part and what it needs. Often, it's a matter of asking the part to step aside (metaphorically), but it's also possible that the part needs more attention before it will allow the EMDR therapy to proceed.

In traditional therapy, a blocking part would be considered a defense mechanism such as resistance.  Rather than interpreting this obstacle as something negative to be gotten rid of, Parts Work approaches the blocking part with compassion to work with it directly in a kind and gentle way.  

If I'm using Parts Work as the primary modality, I help the client to have a complete experience of the part using the Somatic Experiencing concept called SIBAM:

• Sensation: What information is the client getting from their body? This could include sensations in any part of the body as well as muscle tension.

• Image: This refers to sensory impression including sight, sound, taste, taste and touch.

• Behavior: This refers to observable behavior including gestures, facial expressions and posture as well as an increase in heart rate and other visceral reactions.

• Affect: This refers to emotion and the client's felt sense experience.

• Meaning: Using language, the client puts words to the total experience of sensation, image, behavior and affect.

So, Parts Work can be used as a standalone therapy or in combination with other types of Experiential therapy like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and hypnotherapy.

What Are the Benefits of Parts Work?

Whether its used as a standalone therapy or in conjunction with other modalities, Parts Work is a transformational therapy.

The benefits of Parts Work include:

• Psychological Healing: Parts Work allows you to address unresolved emotional wounds and traumatic memories which are buried deep within your mind. By having a dialogue with parts you might have disavowed, you begin the healing process by integrating split off parts of yourself so that you have a more integrated experience.

Getting to Know Yourself Through Parts Work Therapy

• Compassionate Self Acceptance: Parts Work encourages a compassionate and collaborative experience with the many parts of yourself. Rather than viewing certain parts as negative or unwanted, you embrace all parts of yourself.

• Emotional Resilience: Parts Work's integrated approach allows you to enhance your emotional resilience and coping skills because your internal world is more harmonious.

• Personal Growth: Parts Work fosters personal growth through self integration. As you heal the various parts of you, you can discover new internal resources within yourself for personal growth.

• Stress Reduction: When your internal world is more integrated and harmonious, you can experience a reduction in internal conflict so you can reduce stress.

• Heal Trauma: Whether Parts Work is used as a standalone therapy or together with other modalities, it provides a structured and supportive environment to heal trauma, including unresolved childhood trauma of abuse or neglect or more recent trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses Parts Work.

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

The many benefits of Parts Work can help you to heal from unresolved problems, including traumatic memories and complex trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can overcome your personal struggles and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Vicarious Trauma?

Vicarious trauma, also known as secondary trauma, involves indirect exposure to trauma through listening to first-hand accounts from people who experienced traumatic events directly.  

Vicarious Trauma is Also Known as Secondary Trauma

Exposure to accounts of trauma that lead to vicarious trauma can involve trauma that is a one-time event, like shock trauma. 

Examples of shock trauma include getting robbed, feeling helpless and overwhelmed during a natural disaster, a car accident and so on.

Exposure to accounts of trauma can also occur due to accounts of ongoing trauma like complex trauma, which involves trauma experienced over time. 

Examples of complex trauma include childhood trauma involving abuse or neglect that occurred over a period of time.

In this article, I'll use the terms vicarious trauma and secondary trauma interchangeably.

Who is at Risk For Vicarious Trauma?

People in the helping professions, including psychotherapists, social workers, counselors, doctors, nurses, lawyers and other related professions are at risk for vicarious trauma.

In addition, anyone who has a close relationship with someone who experienced trauma, including a spouse, family member or close friend, can experience vicarious trauma.

When people in the helping professions or significant others are repeatedly exposed to accounts of trauma, they run the risk of experiencing burnout or compassion fatigue (see my article: Helping the Helpers to Overcome Compassion Fatigue).  

Many therapists and helping professionals experienced secondary trauma after the 9/11 World Trade Center attack in 2001.  Professionals, who worked with individuals and groups for many months helping them through their shock and grief, experienced secondary trauma. Many of them sought their own therapy and professional support groups to process their symptoms because they were going through the crisis at the same time as their clients.

Similarly, during the worst stage of COVID, therapists and other helping professionals experienced secondary trauma helping clients to process their fear, anxiety and dread at the same time that these mental health professionals were trying to cope with their own emotions.  To help these professionals, many professional organizations offered emotional support.

What Are the Symptoms of Vicarious Trauma?

Everyone's experience of vicarious trauma is different.  

Vicarious trauma can be especially difficult for people who have their own history of psychological trauma because it can trigger memories of personal traumatic experiences.

Some common symptoms of vicarious trauma include (but are not limited to):

• Grief,
• Anxiety
• Anger
• Irritability 
• A sense of unease/feeling unsafe
• Distraction
• Changes in mood
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Changes in appetitie
• Negativity
• Cynicism
• Despair
• Depression
• Loss of hope
• Increase in alcohol use or other substances
• Social isolation/avoidance of people
• Avoidance of tasks
• Difficulty separating work life from personal life (including an inability to stop thinking about clients' or other people's trauma)
• Physical symptoms such as headaches, rashes, heartburn and other physical issues

How Can Self Care Help to Reduce the Risk of Vicarious Trauma?

Self care practices to reduce the risk of vicarious trauma include:

• Eating nutritious meals

• Getting enough sleep

• Exercising, walking or taking yoga classes at an appropriate level

• Meditating

• Journaling

• Taking time off

• Spending time in nature

• Listening to music

• Spending quiet time to relax

• Spending time with loved ones who are emotionally supportive

• Developing internal resources and coping skills

• Spending time enjoying hobbies

• Other forms of relaxation 

How Can Professional Training and Supervision Help Reduce the Risk of Vicarious Trauma For Helping Professionals?

Therapists and other helping professionals who deal with psychological trauma need to develop the necessary clinical skills to treat traumatized individuals. If they don't have this training and supervision, they are working outside the scope of their expertise.

They also need to develop their own personal coping skills to reduce the risk of vicarious trauma.

Therapists who treat trauma also need individual supervision, especially if they're new to trauma treatment or they have a challenging case.

Group supervision is also helpful to provide clinical feedback as well as to get collegial support.

What Are the Benefits of Trauma Therapy For People Experiencing Vicarious Trauma?

Trauma therapy is crucial for anyone who experiencing vicarious trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

The Benefits of Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes experiential therapies that were specifically developed to help people to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Experiential trauma therapy includes the following modalities:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Ego States Therapy/Parts Work
  

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own with secondary trauma, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled trauma therapist.

Trauma therapy can help you to overcome secondary trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Making a decision to get help for unresolved trauma in trauma therapy isn't easy. So, most people who begin trauma therapy hope they can eventually free themselves of their traumatic history to live a more fulfilling life (see my article: Are You Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past?).

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

I see many clients in my New York City private practice who have tried in vain to overcome trauma in regular talk therapy. Many of them have spent years in talk therapy trying to resolve their trauma. 

In many cases, they came away with new insights into their problems, but they don't feel any different (see my article: Developing Insight in Therapy Isn't Enough to Change).

In other words, they might understand why they get triggered in certain situations, but their insight doesn't prevent them from getting triggered again.

Experiential Therapy to Overcome Trauma

There are specific therapy modalities, known as Experiential Therapy, that were developed to help clients overcome trauma. 

Experiential Therapy is different from regular talk therapy, which I'll explain in the section below on Memory Reconsolidation.  

Experiential Therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work or Internal Family Systems)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Coherence Therapy
  

And other types of Experiential therapy

Memory Reconsolidation in Experiential Trauma Therapy

As Bruce Ecker, LMFT, explains in his book, Unlocking the Emotional Brain, all Experiential Therapy provides an opportunity for memory reconsolidation, which is essential for resolving trauma. 

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Memory reconsolidation is a neurobiological process whereby traumatic memories are recalled and made accessible to be reprocessed in Experiential Therapy (see my article: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The "Symptom" Contains the Solution for a more indepth explanation of the memory reconsolidation process).

Memory reconsolidation is one of the reasons why Experiential Therapy is more effective than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Many people who suffer with unresolved trauma try to avoid dealing with their trauma symptoms (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

While it's understandable that no one wants to experience emotional pain, unfortunately, when you resist these symptoms, they tend to come back even stronger.

When I work with clients who have unresolved trauma, I prepare them before processing the trauma by helping them to develop the internal resources to ride the waves when traumatic symptoms come up (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

While it's not pleasant to deal with these symptoms, as previously mentioned, resisting them only makes them worse.  In fact, many clients discover that once they have developed internal resources for coping with these symptoms, they're able to cope with the symptoms and it's not as bad as they anticipated.  

Many of them also realize that it took so much more energy to resist dealing with these symptoms than just learning to ride the waves of these symptoms when they come up until the trauma is resolved.

Working on Shock Trauma vs Developmental (Childhood) Trauma With Experiential Therapy

There is a difference between shock trauma and developmental trauma (see my article: What is the Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma?).

One-time traumatic events, like getting robbed or going through a natural disaster are called shock trauma. These are single events, and when there's no other underlying traumatic experiences, shock trauma tends to be easier to resolve in relatively fewer sessions.

Developmental trauma, which is also known as childhood trauma, is more complex.  This type of trauma usually occurs many times over time.  This includes childhood abuse and childhood emotional neglect.

Due to the complex nature of developmental trauma, processing this type of trauma tends to take longer (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

How much longer? Unfortunately, there's no way to know in advance.  Everyone processes trauma differently.  It might take months or it might take years depending upon the particular client, their traumatic history and how their particular response to processing trauma.  However, it's usually more effective and faster than regular talk therapy.

Working on Transgenerational Trauma

There is also transgenerational trauma (also known as intergenerational trauma) which is trauma that is passed down from one generation to the next.  

This type is trauma is experienced directly by your parents, grandparents or even great grandparents and it's unconsciously and unintentionally transmitted to you (see my article: Transgenerational Trauma).

Common examples of transgenerational trauma is when a parent or grandparent is a Holocaust survivor or experienced war trauma. Even if the trauma might never be discussed, it can still be transmitted to you and future generations (see my article: Your Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Children).

Taking the First Step to Overcome Trauma

The first step, which is making a decision to get help in trauma therapy, is often the hardest.

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Many people are afraid trauma therapy will be too unpleasant. However, a skilled trauma therapist will work with a client to prepare them for the trauma processing and process the trauma in a way that is usually tolerable (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Experiential Therapy).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help from a skilled trauma therapist.

Rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you can get the help you need to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Social Anxiety

People who have social anxiety  find it very challenging to be in social situations. I have worked with many clients in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City to help them overcome social anxiety.

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Here are some examples of situations that can be challenging for people with social anxiety:

• meeting new people 
• being the center of attention
• making small talk
• going out on a date
• eating or drinking in public
• attending a party
• speaking in public
• performing on stage
• taking an exam
• being teased or criticized
• making phone calls
• talking at a meeting
• being called on in class

People who have social anxiety are often excessively self conscious about themselves in social situations.  They often try to avoid social situations because they fear they will embarass or humiliate themselves.  They often become excessively worried weeks or even months before an upcoming social event.  They fear they will be judged by others and that others will notice that they're nervous in social situations.

Overcoming Social Anxiety
When I work with a client who has social anxiety, I tailor each treatment to the needs of the particular client.

So, one way that I might work is that the client and I would develop a hierarchical list of the client's fears.  

So, for example, if the client has an upcoming office party, he or she might include at the top of the list (as the most feared) that he or she will have to talk to the head of the company and won't know what to say.  At the bottom of the list, might be thinking about the office party before actually going.

Using the client's list of fears, I might use EMDR or clinical hypnosis to help the client overcome these fears starting with the least feared item on the list and working our way up the list.  Each time he or she is able to overcome one of the fears in session, we would go to the next one on the list until we worked on the item that he or she most feared.

I also like to give clients tasks to perform between therapy sessions. So, the client and I would collaborate on tasks that he or she would perform between sessions.  This is a useful way to work on other areas in everyday life that the client might fear.

Tips for Coping With Social Anxiety

• Rather than focusing on yourself and your fear of being embarrassed or humiliated in a social situation, pay attention to the others around you.

• Listen intently to what they have to say.

• Remember to breathe (shallow breathing can increase anxiety).

• Develop short-term strategies to help you cope when you feel overwhelmed by social anxiety (e.g., stepping outside for a few minutes to calm yourself before going back into the social event).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you suffer with social anxiety, you know how challenging it can be for you to be in social situations.  You also know that isolating doesn't work.  

If you would like to overcome social anxiety, seek help from licensed psychotherapist who has successfully helped clients to overcome social anxiety.

There are no quick fixes for social anxiety, but working with an experienced therapist to become free of social anxiety can be one of the best gifts you give yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website;  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Phobias and How Do They Develop?

In my prior two articles, I discussed the difference between fear and anxiety and panic attacks (see my articles:  What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? and Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).  In this article, I'm focusing on phobias.

What Are Phobias and How Do They Develop?

What is a Phobia?
A phobia is an excessive, irrational and persistent fear of an object or a situation. Most of the time, people who have phobias know consciously that their fear is irrational, but since the fear is in their unconscious minds, it can make little or no difference in terms of the way they feel.

There are many different types of phobias: fear of closed in places, fear of heights, fear of dogs, fear of injections, fear of flying, social phobia, and so on.

How Do Phobias Develop?
Phobias usually develop by some triggering event, which might not be obvious at the time when it occurs.

Phobias are debilitating and, depending on what the phobia is, it often has an adverse effect on a person's personal and work life.

For example, if a person has a fear of flying, and travel is a big part of his job, he will experience a lot of anxiety and possibly panic attacks when he has to travel for business. The same would be true if he had to fly for a family vacation.

There is often a genetic component with phobias.

Conclusion

Overcoming a phobia can be challenging.  That is why it's important for you to get help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome a Phobia
Clinical hypnosis is one of the best ways of treating phobias, because hypnotherapy works with the unconscious mind (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?).

Once you're no longer struggling with a phobia, you will live your life with a greater sense of well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides Integrative Psychotherapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy.

I have helped many clients to overcome phobias.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being the Different One in Your Family

In a prior article,  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, I discussed how the family scapegoat is usually made to feel like s/he is "different" from the rest of the family and the cause of the family's problems, even when s/he isn't really the source of their problems.  In this article, I'm focusing on what it's like to feel "different" in a family.

Being the Different One in Your Family

Examples of Being the "Different One" in a Family:

• A first generation child, whose parents are originally from a different country, not only feels different, but often feels conflicted because s/he can feel caught between the family's traditions from their country of origin and the culture of the new country.

• A child, who is gay, in a family that has traditional views of what it means to be a man or a woman, can feel different from other family members and, depending upon the family.

• A child, who has liberal views and who grows up in a family who conservative traditional views can feel different.

• A child, who is artistic and who grows up in a family that devalues artistic skills and wants their child to pursue a more mainstream career, can feel devalued and question his or her own views.

• A child, who grows up in a family where the parents and the siblings all abuse alcohol and drugs and who all dropped out of high school, might feel misunderstood because s/he values education and wants to avoid abusing substances.

These are just a few of many possible examples of how a child can feel and be perceived as different from other family members.  There are many other examples.

Of course, there are families who are open minded and who can accept a child who is different.  This can help the child to feel accepted and loved as well as accepting of his or her own values.

The problem arises when being "different" in the family is perceived as being "less than" the rest of the family.  The parents might feel that the child's differences are a threat to the family and, in that sense, the differences feel dangerous to them.

The following scenario is a fictionalized example of how growing up being the "different one" in a family can be difficult and how this problem can be overcome in therapy.

Mark
Mark grew up in a traditional religious family.  He was the youngest of five children.

When he was a young child, he never questioned his religion.  But when he was in his mid-teens and he socialized with friends and their families from different backgrounds, he became increasingly aware that there were other ways of seeing the world and he began to question whether he believed the basic principles of the family's religion.

When he told his parents and older brothers that he wasn't sure if he believed in these basic principles, they were stunned.  His father became angry and told Mark that the family's religion is what got them through many difficult times going back to Mark's great grandfather's time and probably before. He felt that Mark's questioning was heresy.  He warned Mark that no good would come of it.

Mark couldn't understand why his father was so upset.  But, after he experienced his father's anger, Mark kept his questions to himself.  He continued to observe the family's religious traditions but, inwardly, he continued to wonder how meaningful, if at all, these traditions were to him.

As Mark entered college, he was encouraged by his parents to take business courses so that he could become an accountant or a business manager.

During his first two years of college, Mark's college required him to take certain core courses where he was exposed to many different subjects and new ideas.

By the time he was a college Sophomore, he was very drawn to art history.  But when he told his parents that he wanted to be an art history major instead of a business major, they were even more upset than when he told them that he was questioning their religion.

His parents talked to him about how financially difficult it had been for both the mother's and the father's families and for them before Mark was born.  They stressed the importance of choosing a major that would be "practical."  They didn't want Mark to struggle financially the way they did or the way their parents did.  They urged him to major in business because, as a business major, he could find a job, whereas as an art history major, he might end up jobless.

Mark considered what his parents told him.  He was aware that his older brothers followed their parents'  suggestions and each of them was doing well financially.  They had secure jobs, and they seemed happy with their choices.

But Mark was becoming increasingly aware that he wouldn't be happy as a business major.  He understood his parents' concerns and their practical advice, so he felt torn.

He was also more and more aware of how different he was from his parents and brothers.  He loved them very much, but he knew he needed to find his own way, which was probably going to be different from the rest of his family.

He also felt that his parents were still traumatized by their experiences of going through difficult financial times.  Even though they overcame their earlier financial difficulties, he knew that, on an emotional level, they never got over their fear and sense of vulnerability.  It was as if they were living in the past.  He knew they couldn't see that he had opportunities now that they never had.

Feeling more and more conflicted and confused between what he wanted and his loyalty to his family, he decided to start therapy.  This was difficult for him because, on a certain level, he felt he was being disloyal to his family by going to therapy (see my article:  When Family Loyalty Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).  

He didn't tell his family about his therapy because he was sure they wouldn't understand.  He knew that they would think that he shouldn't talk about the family to a stranger, even if the stranger was a licensed mental health professional.

During his therapy, Mark's therapist, who was trained as a hypnotherapist, helped him to have greater access to his unconscious feelings and wishes by using clinical hypnosis.  While he was in a relaxed hypnotic state, his therapist asked him to imagine his future self as he wanted himself to be when he completed college (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become).

As Mark became more comfortable with hypnosis, he was able to gradually put aside his conflicts and focus on what he wanted for himself.  As he did this, he felt how deeply he wanted to pursue a career in art history.

Over time, with increasing confidence, Mark became more open to exploring this possibility by seeking out people who were already in the field, including his professor.  With more information from people in the field, Mark realized that he wanted to pursue an art history career, possibly working in an art gallery.

After he graduated with a major in art history, despite his family's disapproval, Mark went on to get a graduate degree in art history.  His degree also included business courses related specifically to the art world so he felt he would be better prepared for the field.

As part of his educational courses, Mark interned at one of the more prestigious art galleries in New York City, and by the time he had his Master's degree, the gallery owner hired him full time.

Although his fear was that he would alienate his family, he came to realize that his family still loved him, even if they didn't understand why he wanted to pursue a career that was so different from what they wanted for him.

Over time, as Mark continued to advance in his career, his parents' and older brothers' disapproval softened and they came to accept that Mark was happy in his field and that's really all that mattered.  Mark also let go of his conflictual feelings about being different and embraced his choice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being the "different one" in your family can be an emotionally painful and lonely experience if your family members don't understand or accept what you want.

Trying to appease others by sacrificing your core sense of self will only make you unhappy. Although it can be difficult to be an individual who is different from other family members, being true to yourself is the best way to lead a fulfilling life.

If you're struggling with feeling different, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to deal with these emotional struggles, learn to be an individual, and feel more confident (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.