Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if you overcame the problems that keep you stuck?  Who would you be?  See my article: Overcoming the Fears That Keep You Stuck.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

As I've mentioned in other articles, most people begin psychotherapy with some degree of ambivalence, even if they're not aware of it at first.  The ambivalence includes a wish to resolve their problems and make changes in their life and a wish to remain the same (see my article:  Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Although the ambivalence is usually there from the start of therapy, most clients don't become aware of it until after they're already engaged in therapy.  It can also become an obstacle once clients actually start to overcome their problems and make changes in their life.

Clients with longstanding problems often express being happy that they're making positive changes in their life, but they might also be concerned about what this means in terms of who they are--especially if they have a strong identification with their problems.  Losing that identification can feel like they're losing a part of themselves.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:
Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

When Jim started psychotherapy, he was in his early 30s.  He told his psychotherapist that he felt like there was a "wall" between him and other people, even people that he had relatively close relationships with, like girlfriend (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Gradually Take Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

Back when he first started therapy, he described himself as coming across as outwardly warm, friendly and gregarious.  But, within his internal world, he often felt fearful of making close emotional connections with others.  He was able to hide his fear most of the time, but he was very aware of his emotional struggles.

Although he was aware in an objective sense that he had nothing to fear from his connections with his loved ones, on an emotional level his fear, at times, was overwhelming and it was interfering with his relationship.

Jim knew that he loved his girlfriend, but he would become anxious and ambivalent about the relationship, especially when his girlfriend talked to him about moving in together when they were together for two years.

He also knew that he couldn't keep making excuses as to why they shouldn't live together "yet." And he knew that if he didn't resolve his fear of getting closer to his girlfriend, he might lose her, so he began therapy to try to overcome his fear.

When he began therapy, he described his relationships with each of his parents as being fraught with problems.  His mother could be warm and nurturing at times, but she was often emotionally disengaged from Jim and his older siblings.  From day to day, Jim and his siblings never knew what kind of mood his mother would be in.

He described his father as "a great dad" who taught Jim how to swim and play baseball when Jim was a child.  Later on, his father taught him carpentry.  He and his father bonded over these tasks, and most of the time Jim enjoyed his time with his father.  The problem was that his father also had an unpredictable temper and Jim and his family never knew when the father would blow up.  His never got physically violent, but he could be scary when he lost his temper.

Then, the father would shame and belittle Jim and his siblings.  Their mother was just as frightened of the father when the father lost his temper, so she wasn't able to protect her children from her husband's rage.  At those times, Jim felt very alone and he would hide in his room, even when his father was angry with another family member.

As Jim continued to see his psychotherapist, they discovered together that Jim's fear of getting close was related to the unpredictable moods of each of his parents.  At a young age, Jim learned to shut down emotionally and built an emotional wall around himself to protect himself from feeling too emotionally vulnerable.

As a child, this worked to keep his fear compartmentalized so he could function in the rest of his life.  But as an adult, he realized in therapy that he not only walled off his fear, he also walled off other positive feelings.  He also realized that, as an adult in a relationship, he couldn't continue to allow his fear from getting closer to his girlfriend (see my article: When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Yourself Down From Potential Pleasure).

At the start of therapy, Jim told his therapist that, even though he wanted to overcome his fear of intimacy, he wanted to work slowly in therapy because he was afraid he would become overwhelmed.    Also, like every client, he needed to take time to develop a therapeutic alliance with his therapist, and this was a gradual process for him because of his fears of opening up.

After two years in therapy, Jim worked through much of his early trauma related to his family using EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

There were many times when Jim needed to use several sessions after one EMDR session in order to process what came up during the EMDR session and afterwards.  His therapist told him that each person processes differently, and this seemed to be what worked best for him.

With the childhood trauma resolved, over time, Jim was more open to getting closer to his girlfriend, who was patient with him.  He eventually moved with her, and he worked in therapy on the emotional challenges that he encountered once they were living together.

Progress in therapy often involved Jim taking two steps forward and one step back (see my articles:  Progress in Psychotherapy Isn't Linear).

Both Jim and his girlfriend both agreed that he had made significant progress in therapy, but they were also both aware that Jim continued to struggle in certain areas of their relationship.  After living together for two years, his girlfriend began speaking about getting married, which frightened Jim.

Periodically, Jim and his psychotherapist would review where he was in therapy as compared to how he was when he first came.  This was helpful to Jim to see his progress, especially when he felt emotionally stuck at a new level.

During one of these conversations with his psychotherapist, Jim told her that he was happy with the progress that he had made so far, but he was fearful of any further change.  He told her that he felt like he had "carried around" a particular sense of himself and that if he was no longer fearful of getting closer to his girlfriend, he wasn't sure who he would be.

His psychotherapist explained that this is a common problem for many clients in psychotherapy as they reach a certain point in therapy, and the timing is different for everyone.  Some people become fearful that they will lose their sense of self at the start of therapy.  For other people, like Jim, they become uncomfortable with who they will be when they are resolving the last remnants of their problems.

Working on the fear of losing his sense of self was much deeper work than Jim had ever done before.  Once again, Jim told his therapist that he wanted to go slowly now that he was at this new level of working through his problems.

His psychotherapist, who was a hypnotherapist and a psychoanalyst, helped Jim to navigate this fear in a way that felt comfortable for him (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?).

Now that they were at this juncture in the work, his therapist used hypnotherapy to help Jim to imagine who he would be once his presenting problems were resolved--once he no longer feared getting closer to his girlfriend and he was able to take the next step in their relationship to get married, which was something that Jim wanted when he wasn't afraid.

Using imaginal interweaves, over time, his psychotherapist helped Jim to build his sense of self confidence.  Using imaginal interweaves provided Jim with an opportunity to imagine himself allowing himself to become more emotionally intimate with his girlfriend without the fear.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

In other words, he was able to put aside his fear to use his imagination to imagine his future self in a loving relationship with his current girlfriend as his wife.  This "practicing" of his future self in his imagination gave him a felt sense of what it might be like not to be fearful.  And, after a while, Jim felt that he could go ahead and propose to his girlfriend without fear.

Conclusion
When people start psychotherapy, they're usually focused on the changes they want to make in their life.  It's only after they are either at the brink of making changes or actually making changes that some clients fear that their sense of self will change in a way that would be frightening to them.

Most of the time, these fears are rooted in a unresolved early trauma that needs to be worked out in therapy in order for clients not to continue to be triggered in the present (Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers and Reacting to the Present As If It Was the Past).

With the help of their psychotherapist, many clients are able to begin letting go of the fear related to the past to make progress in therapy.

As they reach new plateaus in their progress, there can be new challenges, as there was in the fictional vignette above where Jim was able to get relatively closer to his girlfriend, but felt the fear again as he thought about he getting even more emotionally intimate with her.

Hypnotherapy with imaginal interweaves can be especially helpful for the client to "practice" seeing his future self and getting comfortable with his new sense of self while his therapist maintains an emotionally safe and empathic treatment environment in the therapy sessions (The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Change is a process.  At various points in the process, new challenges can arise in therapy, including a concern about who would you be if you overcame your problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled mental health professional who is licensed can make all the difference between succeeding or failing in your attempts to make changes and to do it in a way that feels safe to you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can free yourself from your history to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being the Different One in Your Family

In a prior article,  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, I discussed how the family scapegoat is usually made to feel like s/he is "different" from the rest of the family and the cause of the family's problems, even when s/he isn't really the source of their problems.  In this article, I'm focusing on what it's like to feel "different" in a family.

Being the Different One in Your Family

Examples of Being the "Different One" in a Family:

• A first generation child, whose parents are originally from a different country, not only feels different, but often feels conflicted because s/he can feel caught between the family's traditions from their country of origin and the culture of the new country.

• A child, who is gay, in a family that has traditional views of what it means to be a man or a woman, can feel different from other family members and, depending upon the family.

• A child, who has liberal views and who grows up in a family who conservative traditional views can feel different.

• A child, who is artistic and who grows up in a family that devalues artistic skills and wants their child to pursue a more mainstream career, can feel devalued and question his or her own views.

• A child, who grows up in a family where the parents and the siblings all abuse alcohol and drugs and who all dropped out of high school, might feel misunderstood because s/he values education and wants to avoid abusing substances.

These are just a few of many possible examples of how a child can feel and be perceived as different from other family members.  There are many other examples.

Of course, there are families who are open minded and who can accept a child who is different.  This can help the child to feel accepted and loved as well as accepting of his or her own values.

The problem arises when being "different" in the family is perceived as being "less than" the rest of the family.  The parents might feel that the child's differences are a threat to the family and, in that sense, the differences feel dangerous to them.

The following scenario is a fictionalized example of how growing up being the "different one" in a family can be difficult and how this problem can be overcome in therapy.

Mark
Mark grew up in a traditional religious family.  He was the youngest of five children.

When he was a young child, he never questioned his religion.  But when he was in his mid-teens and he socialized with friends and their families from different backgrounds, he became increasingly aware that there were other ways of seeing the world and he began to question whether he believed the basic principles of the family's religion.

When he told his parents and older brothers that he wasn't sure if he believed in these basic principles, they were stunned.  His father became angry and told Mark that the family's religion is what got them through many difficult times going back to Mark's great grandfather's time and probably before. He felt that Mark's questioning was heresy.  He warned Mark that no good would come of it.

Mark couldn't understand why his father was so upset.  But, after he experienced his father's anger, Mark kept his questions to himself.  He continued to observe the family's religious traditions but, inwardly, he continued to wonder how meaningful, if at all, these traditions were to him.

As Mark entered college, he was encouraged by his parents to take business courses so that he could become an accountant or a business manager.

During his first two years of college, Mark's college required him to take certain core courses where he was exposed to many different subjects and new ideas.

By the time he was a college Sophomore, he was very drawn to art history.  But when he told his parents that he wanted to be an art history major instead of a business major, they were even more upset than when he told them that he was questioning their religion.

His parents talked to him about how financially difficult it had been for both the mother's and the father's families and for them before Mark was born.  They stressed the importance of choosing a major that would be "practical."  They didn't want Mark to struggle financially the way they did or the way their parents did.  They urged him to major in business because, as a business major, he could find a job, whereas as an art history major, he might end up jobless.

Mark considered what his parents told him.  He was aware that his older brothers followed their parents'  suggestions and each of them was doing well financially.  They had secure jobs, and they seemed happy with their choices.

But Mark was becoming increasingly aware that he wouldn't be happy as a business major.  He understood his parents' concerns and their practical advice, so he felt torn.

He was also more and more aware of how different he was from his parents and brothers.  He loved them very much, but he knew he needed to find his own way, which was probably going to be different from the rest of his family.

He also felt that his parents were still traumatized by their experiences of going through difficult financial times.  Even though they overcame their earlier financial difficulties, he knew that, on an emotional level, they never got over their fear and sense of vulnerability.  It was as if they were living in the past.  He knew they couldn't see that he had opportunities now that they never had.

Feeling more and more conflicted and confused between what he wanted and his loyalty to his family, he decided to start therapy.  This was difficult for him because, on a certain level, he felt he was being disloyal to his family by going to therapy (see my article:  When Family Loyalty Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).  

He didn't tell his family about his therapy because he was sure they wouldn't understand.  He knew that they would think that he shouldn't talk about the family to a stranger, even if the stranger was a licensed mental health professional.

During his therapy, Mark's therapist, who was trained as a hypnotherapist, helped him to have greater access to his unconscious feelings and wishes by using clinical hypnosis.  While he was in a relaxed hypnotic state, his therapist asked him to imagine his future self as he wanted himself to be when he completed college (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become).

As Mark became more comfortable with hypnosis, he was able to gradually put aside his conflicts and focus on what he wanted for himself.  As he did this, he felt how deeply he wanted to pursue a career in art history.

Over time, with increasing confidence, Mark became more open to exploring this possibility by seeking out people who were already in the field, including his professor.  With more information from people in the field, Mark realized that he wanted to pursue an art history career, possibly working in an art gallery.

After he graduated with a major in art history, despite his family's disapproval, Mark went on to get a graduate degree in art history.  His degree also included business courses related specifically to the art world so he felt he would be better prepared for the field.

As part of his educational courses, Mark interned at one of the more prestigious art galleries in New York City, and by the time he had his Master's degree, the gallery owner hired him full time.

Although his fear was that he would alienate his family, he came to realize that his family still loved him, even if they didn't understand why he wanted to pursue a career that was so different from what they wanted for him.

Over time, as Mark continued to advance in his career, his parents' and older brothers' disapproval softened and they came to accept that Mark was happy in his field and that's really all that mattered.  Mark also let go of his conflictual feelings about being different and embraced his choice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being the "different one" in your family can be an emotionally painful and lonely experience if your family members don't understand or accept what you want.

Trying to appease others by sacrificing your core sense of self will only make you unhappy. Although it can be difficult to be an individual who is different from other family members, being true to yourself is the best way to lead a fulfilling life.

If you're struggling with feeling different, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to deal with these emotional struggles, learn to be an individual, and feel more confident (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Experiencing Happiness as Part of Your Future Self in Clinical Hypnosis

I read an article in the New York Times, What a Great Trip! And I'm Not Even There Yet, by Stephanie Rosenbloom.  After reading the article, which related to travel, I saw similarities between the anticipation of a happy event (as stated in the article) and a hypnotic technique used in clinical hypnosis where a therapy client can experience a Future Self.  I've written about the concept of the Future Self in an earlier article, Experiencing Your Future Self: The Person You Want to Become.  I would like to expand on this concept in this article.

Experiencing Happiness as Your Future Self in Clinical Hypnosis

The Psychological Connection Between Anticipation and Happiness
In Ms. Rosenbloom's article, she writes about the psychological connection between anticipation and happiness as it relates to looking forward to a vacation.  She cites psychological research in the journal, Applied Research in Quality of Life, where social scientists found that vacationers felt most happy at the point when they were anticipating their vacations because there's a build up of excitement and positive expectations.

She also discusses research by Elizabeth Dunn, an associate professor at the University of British Columbia who is a leading happiness researcher, who says that there is an art to savoring or anticipating an upcoming vacation.  According to this article, by immersing oneself in such things as reading novels, blogs, watching films, TV programs about the place you plan to visit, you build up positive expectation.  In addition, it also helps to smooth over minor discrepancies between the fantasy of the trip and the reality.

The Psychological Connection Between Positive Anticipation and Happiness

I've never seen the research on this topic, but the concept that this immersion process beforehand can enhance a vacationers experience is familiar to me.  Six months before I went to Italy for the first time, I was not only reading travel books, but I was immersing myself in Italian literature, short stories and listening to Italian language CDs in anticipation of my vacation.  After a few weeks of this immersion process, part of me felt like I was already in Italy.

During that time, I read The Agony and the Ecstasy: A Biographical Novel of Michelangelo by Irving Stone and when I saw Michelangelo's works of art in Italy, especially the Sistine Chapel in Rome, I was very moved, and like I was seeing the work of an old friend.

Experiencing Happiness as Your Future Self in Clinical Hypnosis
In much the same way that excitement and anticipatory feelings of happiness can build up with immersion in things related to an upcoming event, an experienced hypnotherapist can assist you to discover the aspect of yourself that is called your Future Self in your unconscious mind.

The effect of discovering your Future Self can be profound because it involves the limbic system in the brain (see my article about the triune brain, including the limbic system or reptilian brain).

Experiencing Happiness as Part of Your Future Self in Clinical Hypnosis

Beyond being just a mental rehearsal of who you want to be, allowing your imagination to experience your Future Self in clinical hypnosis connects these feelings for you on an unconscious level.  A trained hypnotherapist can also give a client a post hypnotic suggestion that helps to enhance and anchor this experience.

There has also been research at world renown research laboratories about the success of hypnosis in helping depressed clients to overcome their depression (see Psychology Today article by psychologist, Michael Yapko, Clinical Hypnosis Enhances Treatment) for more details).

Getting Help
Many people, who are unhappy or depressed feel resigned to their lives never changing.  This is usually a symptom of their depression.  But you don't need to suffer alone.  When performed by an experienced hypnotherapist, clinical hypnosis can be an effective form of treatment to help a client overcome depression and provide an enhanced sense of self.

When choosing a hypnotherapist for clinical hypnosis, always make sure that the clinician is a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.