Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Self-Pleasure Survey

I was listening to a recent episode on the Sex and Psychology podcast called The Magic of Masturbation hosted by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, who is a psychologist and a sex researcher for the Kinsey Institute (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Survey

The guest was Marie Aoyama from the Japanese sexual health and wellness brand, TENGA.  They were discussing the findings of the TENGA 2021 Self-Pleasure Report (in this article, I'm using the terms "self pleasure" and "masturbation" interchangeably).

The organization surveyed 1,000 American adults, ages 18-54, and the findings offered some interesting insights into their attitudes and practices about masturbation as well as the changes that resulted during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2021 TENGA Self-Pleasure Survey Results

The survey revealed that 50% of adults ages 18-54 years old included self pleasure as part of their self care routine.

In addition, the respondents reported the following sexual wellness benefits:

• Improved mood:  73%
• Reduction in stress: 73%
• Improved sleep: 74% 
• Improved body image: 51%
• Improved self confidence: 57%
• Improved sense of sex appeal: 59%

Forty-two per cent of the respondents also revealed that during the COVID-19 pandemic, they coped with stress, anxiety, uncertainty and boredom by masturbating more often than prior to the pandemic.

Of the total 42%, the breakdown for men and women was as follows:

• Men: 49%
• Women: 32%

General Findings of the Survey:

• People who masturbated over the last year: 86%

• People who felt comfortable talking about masturbation with their partners/spouses or close friends: 60%

The discrepancy between the 86% and the 60% indicates that people still feel there's a stigma involved with masturbation, and they don't feel comfortable enough to talk to their own partners/spouses about it (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner? and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

This reticence to talk about self pleasuring exists despite the fact that most people masturbate and despite the health benefits cited above--improved mood, reduced stress and so on.

In addition to the benefits cited above, masturbation helps you to explore what you like and what you don't like sexually, which can improve your sex life with a partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Conclusion

Self pleasuring, also known as masturbation, is a healthy, normal and safe way to practice self care as part of a sexual wellness routine.

Masturbation has many benefits for your body and mind, as described above.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people grew up in a family where masturbation was considered taboo.  

If you're struggling with guilt and shame about masturbation or about your body, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

When you free yourself from guilt and shame, you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery

In my prior articles, The Orgasm Gap Between Woman and Men - Parts 1 and 2,  I discussed the sexual satisfaction gap between men and heterosexual woman.  One of my recommendations in Part 2 was that, in order for women to experience more sexual satisfaction, they can explore their own body and discover sexual pleasure for themselves.

Women's Sexual Self Discovery

Women Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Their Sexual Pleasure

For many women this is easier said than done because shame and guilt about their body and their sexuality gets in the way.  Part of this can be culturally induced because women still get mixed messages about enjoying sexual pleasure.  In some cases, the shame and guilt can be related to unresolved sexual trauma (see below: Getting Help in Therapy).

On the one hand, heterosexual women are told they should be sexually alluring to men.  But, on the other hand, they're still stigmatized for being sexual or experiencing sexual pleasure, especially if it's for themselves and not for men.

There is so much misinformation that it's no wonder many women feel confused, ashamed of their bodies, and they feel they have no right to their own sexual pleasure. 

There's still double standard that it's okay for men to be sexual but not for women.  And many  women are still told, if not explicitly then implicitly, they should wait until they're married to be sexual (you might think this is a thing from the past, but I still hear many women tell me in their therapy sessions that they grew up with these cultural or religious taboos).

The expectation in these families is that women will just know somehow how to be sexual with their partner or spouse "when the time comes."  But the reality is that this stigma against women's sexuality in these instances often carries over into marriage because these women haven't discovered their own sexuality beforehand.  

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery:

• Make a Decision as to Whether You're Ready to Get to Know Yourself Sexually: As a woman, whether or not you want to discover your sexuality is up to you and only you.  While it might feel daunting at first because of cultural or religious taboos, if you're ready to get to know yourself sexually, it can be an adventure in self discovery.  Try to be as open and curious as you can.

• Create a Time and Space For Privacy and Relaxation: Once you have decided to get to know yourself better sexually, look for a time and place when you'll have privacy and you won't be interrupted.  Some women like to set the mood by creating a private and relaxing environment for themselves in the bath and engage their senses: candles, incense, a favorite bubble bath, relaxing music and whatever else helps to create the right mood.

• Take a Look at Your Body: Many women have so much shame about their body that they can hardly stand to look at themselves in the mirror--even when they are fully clothed.  It's understandable why they feel this way because social media, movies, TV programs and magazines give women messages that they should look a certain way--usually thin or curvy or some other particular way.  

• Accept Your Body As It Is Now: This might be one of the hardest steps to take because there are so many negative messages  for women about body image.  Even if you want to change your body for health-related reasons, one of the best ways to change is to start by accepting yourself as you are now.  Acceptance doesn't mean you're not going to try to change if that's what you want.  It just means that you acknowledge that you are where you are right now and you love yourself regardless of how you look.

• Take a Hand Mirror and Look at Your Vulva:  The vulva is a woman's external genital area. It's normal for vulvas to come in all different shapes and sizes.  The vulva contains the vestibule (vaginal opening), the labia majora, the labia minora, and the clitoris.  By being curious and looking at yourself, you can discover your own unique beauty.  Holding onto the hand mirror, look at the:

• labia majora: outer lips

• labia minora: the smaller, inner lips

• vulval vestibule (vaginal opening): is the part of the vulva between the labia minora into which the urinary meatus (urethra opening) and the vaginal opening open.

• clitoris: the tip of the clitoris is slightly above the urethra and at the top of the vestibule.  The rest of the clitoris is covered by the clitoral hood. It extends into the body and wraps around the vaginal canal (the vagina is a woman's internal reproductive area). Sexual pleasure is the clitoris' primary purpose.  It is the most sensitive erogenous zone. The glans of the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many nerve endings as the penis. This erogenous zone spreads the feeling to 15,000 other nerves in the pelvis, which is why it can feel like your whole body is experiencing an orgasm.

• Spend Time Discovering What's Pleasurable to You Through Solo Pleasuring: Solo pleasuring (also known as masturbation) is a safe and pleasurable way to:

• discover what turns you on sexually
• have fun
• release sexual tension
• improve your sleep through the release of tension

• Understand That Your Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ: Your thoughts and beliefs affect how you feel sexually, so your personal psychology matters just as much as your physiology.  There are two types of sexual stimulation: 

• psychological stimulation: Visual cues or sexual fantasies can include your own fantasies, fantasies from erotica, ethical porn, sexy movies or TV programs, and so on.  Don't overthink or overanalyze it--fantasies aren't real, so you don't necessarily want to act on them.  But maybe you do.  It's up to you.  

• physical stimulation: Your hand, a vibrator or sex toys can be used to get sexually aroused.

• Explore Your Erogenous Zones: Your erogenous zones include your nipples, thighs, vulva, clitoris, and any other areas that might turn you on.

• Don't Pressure Yourself to Have an Orgasm: Rather than focusing on having an orgasm, focus on what feels pleasurable to you without pressuring yourself to have an orgasm.

• Ready to Have an Orgasm? Aside from the fact that everyone is unique in terms of what turns them on, one article isn't sufficient, but there are good books that provide can you with some guidance, including:

• Book Recommendations:
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life - by Dr. Emily Nagoski

• Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving - by Betty Dodson

• Becoming Cliterate - by Dr. Laurie Mintz

• She Comes First - by Dr. Ian Kerner

• Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life - by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Feeling Pain?  Get Medical Help

If you are experiencing vaginal pain, seek help from your doctor immediately.  Pain can be related to any one of a number of problems, including vaginal infections, vulvodynia, cysts, pelvic floor problems or other medical problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

We all need help at sometimes.

Unresolved traumatic experiences can affect your ability to be sexual whether it's on your own or with a partner.  The effects can include (but are not limited to): emotional numbing, physical pain, flashbacks, getting triggered, panic attacks, feeling disconnected from your body, and other related symptoms.

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck, so rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Happy Gay Pride!

Happy Gay Pride Day to all Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer People All Over the World

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 2: How to Close the Gap

In Part 1 of Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men, I focused on defining the problem and the contributing factors involved with the orgasm gap based on the book, Becoming Cliterate by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz. In this article I'm focusing how to close the orgasm gap (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script). 

How to Close the Orgasm Gap

How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

• Since only 25-30% of women have orgasms based on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex alone, there's a need for both women and men to understand that most women--a whopping 95%!--need clitoral stimulation--either alone or in addition to PIV (individual women vary on what they need, so communication between sex partners is essential: see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Since the clitoris is key to women's orgasms, there needs to be greater awareness and understanding about the clitoris.  This is true for everyone, but it's especially true for millennials because so many young men get so much misinformation about sex and what women like sexually from porn.  Also, so many young women think they're abnormal if they don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse (PIV) alone.

• The term "foreplay" implies it happens before the "main event," which is usually understood to be penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  It sounds like it's the appetizer before the main course, which also implies that it's less important than PIV sex.  As a result, the word "foreplay" undermines the very sexual activities, like clitoral stimulation, that are so important for women's orgasms, and some sex experts recommend that the term "foreplay" be abolished.  

• While orgasm is usually important for many men and women, focusing on sexual pleasure, instead of a goal-oriented focus on orgasm alone, would enhance sex for both people.  As sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure" (see Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life).

• Women can learn to make their own sexual pleasure at least as important as their male partner's pleasure, which includes developing an increased awareness of what is sexually pleasurable for them as individuals.  Once they understand what's pleasurable for them, women also need to learn to voice their sexual needs to their partners (see my articles:  Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self  and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex):

• Exploring their own bodies sexually through touch and solo pleasure (masturbation) can help women to understand what is pleasurable for them and also become aware that they can provide themselves with pleasure without relying on a partner, including:

• looking at and appreciating their naked bodies in the mirror, especially their vulva and clitoris

• engaging in self touch/solo pleasure

• using sex toys 

• attending sex-related workshops led by professional sex experts          

• Men need to learn how to pleasure women generously with oral sex (see Dr. Ian Kerner's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman): 

• Instead of being in a goal-oriented rush for the woman to have an orgasm, men need to listen to what women want sexually. They also need to take their time with oral sex.  

• Men need to be aware that few things turn women off as much as when they feel their male sexual partner is in a hurry or approaches oral sex like it's a "chore."

• As a society, we need to stop body shaming women for not being thin or having a particular body type.  There needs to be an increased awareness of how our society perpetuates body shame in the mass media, movies and pornography.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to overcome personal obstacles, you're not alone.

You could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to your happiness and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I'm a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1

According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist and sex therapist who wrote Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters And How to Get It, there's a huge orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  The focus of this article will be on identifying the problem and the contributing factors (see my articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

According to Dr. Mintz, a recent survey of thousands of men and women reveals that 91% of men versus only 64% of women said they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter.  

Dr. Mintz also cites another recent survey where only 57% of women said they had orgasms most or every time they had sex with a male partner, but their partners had orgasms 95% of the time.

Why is There an Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women?

So what's going on?  Dr. Mintz cites a number of reasons for the orgasm gap, including:

• An Overvaluation of Intercourse: The most common way for heterosexual men to have an orgasm in partnered sex is through intercourse, also known as penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  This has lead to an undervaluation of women's most common way, which is through clitoral stimulation.  

• This cultural valuation is usually seen in mainstream movies, social media and porn.  Women are regularly seen as having orgasms with intercourse alone--with little to no clitoral stimulation.
• As a result, this perpetuates the misinformation about women's orgasms and PIV sex.

• A Sexual Double Standard:  Our cultural double standard is that women are judged more harshly for having casual sex than men.  This often leads to women feeling conflicted, guilty and ashamed, which makes it harder for them to enjoy sex.

• A Focus on Women Being Desirable to Men Instead of Focusing on Their Own Sexual Desires: The message that women should focus on being desirable to men (instead of focusing on their own desires) is everywhere--from social media, popular magazines, movies, porn, and so on.  

• This message, which is so common, causes women to focus on how they look instead of how they feel.
• The message is that women's main role is to pleasure men instead of believing that sex involves both giving and receiving pleasure.
• A related problem is that many women don't like their bodies because thin women are often portrayed as being sexy.  

• An Overall Problem With Sex Education in the US: Most sex education in the United States focuses almost exclusively on the dangers of sex, including pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) instead of the pleasures involved with sex.  

• This emphasis on the dangers of sex to the exclusion of fun and pleasurable sex makes it less likely that sex will be perceived as pleasurable.

• A Lack of Communication About Sex: As part of sex education, most people--both women and men--get little to no training on how to communicate about sex.  

• Since most men have orgasms and many women don't, it's especially important for women's orgasms that there is good communication about sex and orgasms in particular.  
• As compared to men, women have different needs when it comes to having orgasms.  
• Also, individual women have different needs (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

My Next Article:

The focus of my next article will be how to close the orgasm gap:

Part 2: How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from maximizing your potential and leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Tips For Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Uncertainty often creates anxiety, and this is especially true now as more people in the U.S. get COVID-19 vaccines and things are opening up again.  If you're feeling anxious as we move closer to "normalcy" (whatever that might be), you're not alone (see my articles: Living With Uncertainty and What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Tips For Coping With Reentry Anxiety

• Develop an Awareness About Your Anxiety: It might be hard to identify reentry anxiety because it often manifests in ways you might not immediately identify, especially since you might have experienced these same symptoms during the height of the pandemic:  
• poor sleep
• nightmares
• change in appetite
• weight gain/weight loss
• a sense of foreboding
• irritability
• headaches, neck and shoulder pain
• other health-related symptoms

• Accept Your Emotions:  Recognize that you're not alone.  Many people are experiencing anxiety about the possibility of returning to some form of their work and social routine. Rather than berating yourself for your response, accept it and look for ways to cope (see below). You might also be experiencing a combination of anxiety and excitement or you might alternate between the two.  Know that this is normal (see my article: Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

• Allow Yourself to Grieve:  There have been many losses involved with the COVID-19 pandemic, including:
• the loss of friends and family who died during the pandemic
• the loss of a job/income
• the loss of a sense of safety in the world you might have had before the pandemic (see my article: The 5 Stages of Grief Related to the Pandemic)

• Focus on What You Can Control: With so much uncertainty, you might find yourself worrying about many possibilities, but there are areas of your life where you do have some control:
• What do you need to do to feel safe to return to work and to social activities?
• How will you deal with friends and family members who refuse to get vaccinated? 
• Although there might be things that you can't control, there are many things you can control, including how you begin to reenter into social activities (see my below and my article: Preparing Yourself Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life)

• Reintroduce Activities Gradually: If you've spent most of your time at home, rather than trying to jump back into your former schedule quickly, try to get back into these activities gradually to give yourself a chance to adjust.  Rather than overcommitting yourself to social activities, try seeing one friend (or a small group of friends) at a time so you don't exhaust yourself.

• Think About What You're Looking Forward to in the Future: When you're ready to think about the future, make a list of the things you want to do.  This can help you to shift your perspective from worry to having things to look forward to (see my article: Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation and Happiness and Your Future Self).

• Use Self Soothing Techniques: Whether you meditate, exercise, go for walks, do yoga or breathing exercises, it's important to use self soothing techniques to calm yourself (see my articles: Self. Soothing With Butterfly Tapping, Developing Your Inner Sense of Feeling Grounded and Calm and Learning to Do Square Breathing).

• Get Help If Your Anxiety is Overwhelming You: Although reentry anxiety is normal, if your anxiety is having a negative impact on your personal relationships, work life or other areas of your life, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to understand your reactions and develop better coping skills.  This would be especially helpful if your current anxiety is triggering unresolved trauma from the past (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing Your Sex Script - Part 4: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

My focus has been on exploring how to change your sex script, and I'm continuing with that topic in this article by discussing how to enhance sexual motivation with psychological stimulation (see my articles:  Changing Your Sex Script: Sexual Arousal - Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3: Enhancing Sexual Motivation).

Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

Enhancing Psychological Stimulation to Develop Sexual Motivation

According to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, who wrote So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, too many couples only rely on physical sexual stimulation and they don't include psychological stimulation in their repertoire.  

Since the brain is often thought of as the biggest sex organ, it makes sense to incorporate psychological stimulation when you're trying to enhance sexual motivation.  

According to Dr. Kerner, there are two different types of psychological stimulation: 

• Side-By-Side Psychological Stimulation
• Face-to-Face Psychological Stimulation

     Side-By-Side Psychological Stimulation:

Let's start by describing side-by-side psychological stimulation, which involves using something that's created by someone else.  It can include, among other things, watching a sexy movie or porn together, reading erotica out loud to each other or listening to an erotic podcast together.  

     Face-to-Face Psychological Stimulation:

Face-to-face psychological stimulation involves the couple turning towards each other.  An example of this would be for a couple to share their sexual fantasies with one another (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse? and Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner Without Guilt of Shame).

Before moving on, it's important to say that talking about a sexual fantasy is very different from actually acting upon it.  While the couple might want to act out the fantasy, for many couples just talking about it can be enough of a turn-on to stimulate sexual arousal.

A Fictional Scenario: Ann and Ted

In my last article, we looked at a fictional vignette about a couple called Ann and Ted, who began couples therapy because their sex life had dwindled down to almost nothing.

Their couples therapist talked to them about the "willingness window," a concept that is explained in my prior article as well as in Dr. Kerner's book.  

As part of their homework assignment to try the "willingness window," they agreed to designate two times during the week for least 30 minutes where they leave time for sexual arousal. 

Their couples therapist suggested that one time should involve physical/sensual arousal and the other time should focus on psychological arousal (either face-to-face or side-by-side).  She emphasized that if either of them didn't feel like having sex, there should be no pressure from the other.  Then, she asked them to discuss their experiences at their next couples therapy session.

When Ann and Ted returned for their next couples therapy session, they were eager to talk about their experiences.  Ann started by saying neither of them had ever discussed sexual fantasies (face-to-face psychological stimulation) with each other, so at first they both felt shy.  

But, according to Ann, after a few awkward attempts, Ted began by saying, rather hesitantly, that he had always secretly fantasied about them having a threesome with another woman.  Ann said he was quick to say that he didn't expect or even want them to actually have a real threesome--it was just a thought that turned him on.

Ann said she had never thought about this before, and she was surprised that it was a real turn-on for her too.  Their therapist pointed out that a sex survey revealed that fantasies about  threesomes was the most common sexual fantasy reported anonymously in sex research (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Then, Ted told their couples therapist that when Ann shared her secret sexual fantasy of having Ted watch as another man had sex with her, Ted was immediately turned on.  However, both of them were quick to say, once again, they weren't interested in actually doing this.  Talking about the fantasy was enough for both of them.  This was another example of face-to-face psychological fantasy.

They also talked about watching porn together, which they had never done before.  Ann found a website for ethical porn that was made by women and where there was no underage sex and no one was coerced into having sex--it was all among consenting adults.

Ann found a film where the woman was dominant, which she had never considered before.  Also, as opposed to regular porn, there was a slow build up of sexual arousal, which turned her on.  

She said, afterwards, they locked their bedroom door (in order to ensure that their children wouldn't walk in on them, which had been an inhibitor for Ann in the past) and they had the kind of passionate sex they used to have before they had kids.  Then, they fell asleep cuddling in each other's arms.

In addition, they used their second willingness window for sensuous massage, which is an example of physical stimulation.  Ann bought her favorite scented almond oil, she lit candles and incense, and Ted gave her a slow, sensuous massage.  As they had agreed, he wasn't expecting sex, but they were both so turned on that they surprised themselves by having another night of passionate sex.

In their subsequent couples therapy sessions, Ann and Ted discussed other possible sources of physical and psychological stimulation.  They were both eager and ready to expand their repertoire as part of enhancing their sexual motivation.

Conclusion

Many couples get stuck in the same old sex script, so it's important to look at your usual sex script, which is a description of your sexual encounters with your partner from beginning to end.

Many couples never talk about their sex life with each other because they feel ashamed and they might not know how to talk about it.  

An experienced couples therapist can help couples to talk about their sexual experiences, including whether they respond spontaneously or more responsively, what their turn-ons and turn-offs are, including sexual fantasies, and how to enhance their sexual motivation.

As part of their homework between couples therapy sessions, a couples therapist might assign the couple to choose two times during the week when they are willing to use physical as well as psychological stimulation to enhance their sexual arousal and motivation.

As couples become more comfortable with these activities, they can be more creative in terms of how they engage in sexual stimulation and, over time, they can improve and expand their sex script.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's not unusual for couples to develop sexual problems, especially in long term relationships.  Stress, anxiety, shame and guilt can all contribute to sexual inhibitions.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can seek help from an experienced psychotherapist, who can help you to improve your sex life one step at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation

I have been focusing on sex scripts in relationships in my recent articles (see my articles: Changing Your Sex Script: Part 1 and Part 2).  In the current article, which is continuing with the beginning phase, I'll be discussing sexual motivation.

Understanding Sexual Motivation

The Most Common Reasons For Having Sex

There are a lot of reasons why people have sex.  According to Dr. Kerner, who wrote So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, sex researchers David Buss and Cindy Meston identified the most common reasons:

• Experiencing sexual attraction
• Experiencing physical pleasure
• Expressing love
• Feeling sexually desired by the other person
• Wanting to escalate the depth of the relationship
• Wanting to have new sexual experiences
• Marking a special occasion to celebrate
• Encountering an opportunity to have sex

According to Dr. Kerner, Buss and Meston identified 237 reasons, so the list above only represents the most common reasons.

There are no value judgments for why people have sex as long as it's between consenting adults.  

Sometimes a partner doesn't start out wanting sex, but they know their partner wants it or they know it will make their partner feel powerful.  So, this is enough of a reason for them to initiate or respond to sexual overtures from their parter.

The "Willingness Window"

Couples give many reasons why they're not having sex, including feeling tired, not having enough time, feeling preoccupied with their children, stress, anxiety and a variety of other reasons.

According to Dr. Kerner, as part of the sex therapy, he sometimes assigns couples homework where they agree to schedule at least two "willingness windows" per week in which they engage in some kind of arousal-generating activity to see if responsive sexual desire emerges.

He suggests that one window focuses on an activity that is physical/sensual.  This could include a massage or kissing.  The other window focuses on psychological arousal, which could include reading erotica out loud to each other, role playing a sexy scene, watching ethical porn, etc.  

A Willingness Window: A Fictional Scenario

The following fictional vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the willingness window for a couple in couples therapy:

Ann and Ted

Ann and Ted, who were both in their late 40s, were married for 10 years.  When they started couples therapy, they told their therapist that even though they had passionate sex during the first two years of their marriage, after they had children, they rarely had sex.  Neither of them felt motivated to have sex most of the time. They both agreed that, on average, they were having sex, possibly once a month or less.

After their therapist explained spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, Ted indicated that, when he wasn't feeling exhausted from work and the kids, he experienced spontaneous desire.  He said he needed little in the way of foreplay to feel sexual.  

Ann, on the other hand, said she almost never thought about sex. She also said she never initiated sex anymore, and she sometimes agreed to have sex because she knew that Ted "needed it." But she said she usually didn't feel sexually aroused during those times.  She also preferred not to lock their bedroom door, in case one of the children needed them during the right, but then she was preoccupied with whether the children would come into their room while they were having sex.

Ted responded that he realized that Ann wasn't really sexually aroused when they were having sex and this was a turn-off for him.  He felt this was "pity sex."  He said he had suggested novel ideas to try to spice up their sex life, but Ann just seemed like she wanted to get it over with.  This left him feeling unattractive and undesirable.  It also made him less likely to initiate sex.

Their therapist also explained the concept of sexual accelerators and brakes. Based on Ann and Ted's descriptions of their sexual dynamics, she said that when Ann worried about the children coming into the room, this was a sexual brake for her.  Another example of a sexual brake or inhibitor was Ted's feeling that Ann was engaging in "pity sex" during the few times when they were sexual.  

She said she would need to get to know them better to find out about each of their sexual accelerators or their turn-ons.

After a few sessions where their therapist obtained information about each of their family histories and sex histories and ascertained that there was no trauma or intergenerational trauma, she suggested a homework assignment of two times per week where they practice the willingness window and then come back the following week and talk about it in their next session.  

The therapist emphasized that there was no pressure to have sex if both of them didn't feel like it at the time but, if they agreed to the assignment, they had to set aside two times, one to focus the physical/sensual and the other time to focus on psychological arousal.  

Both Ted and Ann agreed to try the homework assignment and talk about each of their experiences in their next couples therapy session.

Next Article:

I'll continue with the next part of this vignette in my next article and include a discussion about psychological and sensual arousal.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

The first step, contacting a licensed psychotherapist, is often the hardest, but it can also be the start of living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 2: The Beginning Phase: Sexual Arousal

In Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about sex scripts and why they're important to your relationship.  In this and subsequent articles, I'll continue this discussion, which is based on my experience as a psychotherapist, who works with individuals and couples, as well as the book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT.

 Changing Your Sex Script: Sexual Arousal

How Do You and Your Partner Get Started When You Have Sex?

According to Dr. Kerner, who is a couples and sex therapist, a good place to start is with how you and you partner get started when you have sex.

Some questions to consider:

• When was the last time you and your partner had sex?
• Who initiated sex?
• How did one or both of you indicate an interest in having sex?
• When and where did it happen?
• What was the context?
• What were you doing before you had sex and how did you become sexual with each other?

Was It a "Hot Start", "Warm Start" or a "Cold Start"?

A hot start involves lots of sexual excitement and passion.  Both you and your partner are sexually aroused and want to have sex.

A warm start is when you and your partner are feeling good and comfortable but not necessarily sexual.  However, each of you is open to being sexual.  There's a willingness to have sex even though neither is feeling especially excited or passionate.  

A cold start is when you and your partner aren't feeling especially sexual to start, but you have sex anyway.

Your Sexual Desire Framework

As I mentioned in my prior article, one of the most common problems that couples have is a differences in sexual desire.  

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have these differences.  What's important is that each of you understand how the other experiences sexual desire and under what circumstances in order to have more satisfying sex.

Some people experience spontaneous sexual arousal and some experience more responsive sexual arousal (see my article about spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal for a more detailed explanation).  

There's no preferred or better way to experience sexual arousal.  When there are differences between you and your partner, you can each learn to adjust (see my article: Overcoming Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous Arousal vs Responsive Arousal).  

Spontaneous sexual arousal is what is often portrayed in movies, TV programs and pornography.  Both people are portrayed as being highly aroused with little need for foreplay.  

Since spontaneous arousal is what is often portrayed, most people assume that spontaneous arousal is common and "normal."  However, many people experience responsive sexual arousal.  Their desire is more deliberative.  It doesn't start instantly.  

Getting into the mood to have sex happens gradually for people with responsive arousal.  They  need more sexual cues to get aroused.  They might need more space and time. It's also more likely they need to make a conscious decision to allow sexual cues from their partner to get them aroused.  

People who have responsive arousal are often labeled as "not sexual" or "asexual," but this is often not the case.  Their desire framework isn't abnormal.  It's just as "normal" as someone with spontaneous desire--it's just different.

Knowing this can be a huge relief to many couples who think their sex life is doomed when each of them experiences sexual arousal in a different way.

It's often assumed that men experience spontaneous sexual arousal and women experience responsive arousal, but this isn't necessarily true.  There are plenty of women who experience spontaneous desire and some men who are more responsive.

Sexual Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

According to Dr. Kerner, in a responsive desire framework, sexual arousal precedes desire.  Context is very important.  

For instance, anxiety and stress make it harder to become sexually aroused.  The environment needs to have more turn-ons than turn-offs for people with responsive desire (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

When each person understands the other's sexual desire framework and their turn-ons and turn-offs, they can learn to adjust to one another.  

In order to know your partner's experience, you need to be able to talk about sex, which is often challenging for people who might need the help of a couples therapist to overcome their inhibitions (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Spectatoring During Sex?

Masters and Johnson developed a term called "spectatoring" to describe the experience of watching yourself self consciously while having sex instead of being present in the experience.

Instead of being present with your partner, when you're spectatoring, you are both a participant and a spectator in the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor and often gets in the way of becoming fully sexual aroused.  

My Next Article

In my next article, I'll discuss sexual motivation.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems in your sex life, whether it's as an individual or as part of a couple, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than suffering on your own, an experienced psychotherapist, who works on relationship and sexual issues, can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.