How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Many people who are taking medication ask why medication alone isn't solving their psychological problems (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective as Psychotherapy).

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Why Can't Medication Solve Most Psychological Problems?

There are times when medication might be necessary and helpful to deal with the symptoms of a psychological problem. However, when medication is needed, a better approach to consider is combining medication with psychotherapy.

Here's why:

• Medication Targets Symptoms, But It Can't Get to the Root Cause of Your Problem: Whereas psychotherapy can get to the root cause of your problem, medication  alone can help to alleviate symptoms while you're on the medication. Medication doesn't address the underlying causes of your problem. For instance, if you choose to take medication for anxiety or depression, your symptoms might improve, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological and emotional factors involved so problem isn't resolved. 

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

• Medication Doesn't Teach You Tools, Strategies or Coping Skills: Medication might reduce your symptoms, but it doesn't help you to change negative thoughts or to improve emotional regulation. It doesn't help you to develop the necessary coping skills and internal resources. It also doesn't help you to work through unresolved trauma. Psychotherapy can help you with these issues and more (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Medication Doesn't Provide Provide Psychological Interventions: Psychological issues require psychological interventions. For instance, unlike psychotherapy, medication alone doesn't address the following issues or a variety other psychological problems:

• Grief

• Poor communication skills

• Dysfunctional relationship patterns

• Unresolved trauma

• Medication Doesn't Help You to Develop Internal Resources: Psychotherapy can help you to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills related to your problem. In many cases, when you have developed these internal resources, it's possible you won't be as reliant on medication or you might not need it (always consult with your psychiatrist before you reduce or stop your medication). Medication is usually for symptom reduction. While medication can reduce symptoms, psychotherapy can help you to develop the following skills and internal resources and more:

• Develop self reflective capacity

• Develop a personal growth mindset

• Develop personal resilience

Conclusion

Medication can be a tool for managing symptoms and creating stability, but psychotherapy addresses the underlying issues at the root of your problem, helps you to develop coping skills and promotes positive change.

For many psychological issues, the combination of psychotherapy and medication can be effective. 

Always consult with a mental health professional who has the necessary expertise about this.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to develop the tools and strategies to overcome your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you to lead a more meaningful life.

Note: Never reduce or stop medication without consulting with your psychiatrist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am also work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings About the Loss

Couples often discover that they might differ in their feelings about a pregnancy loss (see my articles:  Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Allowing Room For Grief).

You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".

If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.

You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:

• One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.

• Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.

• Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.

• Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.

• You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.

• One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.

• Your partner doesn't feel  the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).

• You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.

• You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.

• You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.

• You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:

Donna and Jack

Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant. 

But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.

Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.

Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.

They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.

A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.

A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.

But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.

Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"

Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."

They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.  

She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings.  She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.

When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.

When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.

Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.

This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually. 

Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.

How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings

• Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).

• Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy. 

A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.

Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.

Also see my other articles about grief:

Coping With Grief

Complicated Grief

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Go to Therapy?

When I was 18 years old, I sought help in therapy to deal with certain issues I was struggling with at the time. 

I'll never forget our family doctor's response when I told him that I started therapy: "Why are you going to therapy? Do you think you're a movie star?" 

Why Do People Go to Therapy?

I knew he was trying to make light of a subject that made him feel uncomfortable but, even back then, as a teenager, I realized his response was unenlightened and behind the times. 

I would like to think people are better informed now, but I still hear from clients in my psychotherapy private practice that their friends and family respond negatively when they hear about therapy: 

"Why are you going to therapy?" 

"Therapy is for crazy people. You're not crazy"

"You must be weak if you going to therapy" and so on 

    

        See my articles below about common misconceptions about therapy.

So, after hearing these remarks many times, I thought it would be worthwhile to write about the reasons why people go to therapy. I'm hoping this article can help to normalize the therapy process.

Why Do People Attend Psychotherapy?

People attend therapy for a variety of reasons including but not limited to:

• Personal Growth: Many people seek help in therapy to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity. Self reflective capacity is the ability to examine, analyze and evaluate your thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This includes the capacity to reflect on your inner emotional and psychological world to understand the ways you feel, think and behave. This allows you to make changes in the way you see yourself and how you interact with others (see my article: The Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset).

Going to Therapy For Personal Growth

• A Negative Mood on Most Days: Many people, who experience anxiety and/or depression or who feel unmotivated or overwhelmed by their emotions, seek help in therapy to overcome these problems (see my article: What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression?).

• Major Life Changes: Major life changes can exciting. They can also be confusing, anxiety-inducing and overwhelming. People who have difficulty coping with major changes and want strategies to make life transitions easier seek help in therapy (see my articles: Coping With Major Changes in Your Life and Coping With Midlife Transitions).

• Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma often has a negative impact on day-to-day interactions with loved ones or colleagues. Getting help in trauma therapy can help to overcome trauma. Note: Trauma can be a one-time event or it can occur over time such as unresolved childhood abuse or neglect.

                      See my articles:

• What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

• How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Trauma

Going to Therapy to Overcome Trauma

• Relationship Issues: People who seek individual therapy or couples therapy to work on relationship issues often find they benefit from therapy and they have more fulfilling relationships. Also, some couples want to work on having an amicable separation or divorce or help on how to co-parent in a healthy way ,

• See my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples Therapy?

Going to Therapy For Relationship Problems

• Low Self Esteem: Problems with low self esteem can have a negative impact on all areas of life. People who attend therapy can develop a healthy sense of self (see my article: What is Low Self Esteem?).

• Sexual Problems: Individual clients and people in relationships benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to overcome sexual problems.

                See my articles: 

• What is Sex Therapy? and What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• Family Problems: One of the most common reasons why people seek help in therapy is to deal with past or current family issues (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

• Grief: Even though grief is a common experience for everyone at some point, grief can be overwhelming especially if people don't know how to grieve or they experience complicated grief.

Going to Therapy For Grief Work

• Career or Work-Related Problems: Work relationships can be similar to a dysfunctional family. Many therapy clients benefit from developing an ability to deal with difficult work relationships, changes at work or career transitions (see my articles: Coping With a Difficult Boss and Balancing Your Personal Life and Your Career).

Going to Therapy For Work-Life Balance

• Problems with Managing Emotions: Many people, who never learned the skills involved with managing emotions, benefit from learning these skills in therapy (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions in Experiential Therapy).

Going to Therapy to Manage Emotions

• Problems Managing Stress: Everyone experiences stress. However, people who feel overwhelmed by stress and who might not have the skills to manage their stress can benefit from seeking help in therapy to develop these skils (see my article: Stress Management: Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Unaware of It?).

Common Misconceptions About Therapy

Generally, people are better informed about psychotherapy than in the past, but there is still a stigma among people who don't understand therapy.

I have included links below for the most common misconceptions about therapy:

Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak"

Therapy is All Talk and No Action

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

Getting Help in Therapy

People seek help in therapy for many different reasons.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're considering therapy for your personal growth or you have problems you have been unable to cope with on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Many Layers of Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time (see my article:  Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).

The Many Layers of Grief

The 5 Stages of Grief

The idea that there are stages of grief was developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s. 

According to Kubler-Ross, these stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

Although these stages are usually thought to be linear, they often occur in no particular order and they're often reoccurring. 

For instance, if someone experiences anger first, they might experience denial, depression and bargaining and a certain level of acceptance. 

But over time this same person will probably re-experience these stages in no particular order on certain anniversaries (e.g, birthdays, anniversaries of their loved one's death and holidays).

In addition, acceptance has many layers to it. There is the initial acceptance that the death has occurred, but over time acceptance can deepen as the meaning of this loss also deepens.

The Many Layers of Grief

In addition to the 5 Stages of Grief, people often experience grief in waves and in layers.

Anyone who has ever grieved for the loss of a loved one is aware that grief comes in waves. Weeks, months and years after the loss you might experience a wave of grief come over you for no apparent reason that you're aware of at the time.

The Many Layers of Grief

The concept that there can be layers of grief over time isn't commonly recognized.  The layers, which often go with the stages, are usually experienced from surface to depth.  

In other words, even if you go through all five stages several times and in a different order or in a combination of stages each time, you might go through these stages in more profound ways each time from surface to depth.

Although this is understandable when the loss is close, people are often surprised to go through many layers of grief even when they were estranged from the person who died or the death was of a relative they never knew (see my article: (see my article: Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how grief can come in layers over time for an estranged family member:

Sara

When Sara received the phone call from the police that her estranged older sister, June, was found dead from an overdose of heroin hundreds of miles away, she was shocked at first. She and her sister had estranged for over 20 years (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation).

Growing up Sara wasn't close to June. By the time Sara was five years old, her older sister had already quit high school to move in with a boyfriend that no one in the family liked, so Sara never saw her sister again.

As friends and family members heard about the June's death, they reached out to Sara to express their condolences (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Way).

In response to their concern, Sara told them that she didn't have a sense of loss because she and June weren't close. She said she was just glad that June wasn't suffering anymore.

After Sara and her husband arranged for June's burial, they resumed their daily activities as if nothing had happened. But over time June's feelings changed. She noticed that her level of acceptance of June's death evolved over time.

As time passed and she went through what was left of June's personal belongings, Sara felt waves of sadness to be missing the sister she had never really known. 

Going through one of June's picture albums, Sara was surprised to discover that June kept pictures of her when she was a baby. It was at that point that Sara realized, even though June was someone she never really knew, she was important to June in ways she had never known.

The Many Layers of Grief

After discovering the pictures of herself, Sara made an effort to find out more about her sister. 

With much effort, she was able to find people in the area where June lived who knew her. She discovered that, before her life took a precipitous decline, June liked to draw portraits, including portraits of Sara when she was a baby.

She also discovered that up until June began abusing heroin, she loved to cook and she often invited friends and neighbors to her home for a meal, including people who were much less fortunate than her.

No one who knew June in the past was sure why her life took such a turn for the worse because she isolated herself in her final years. 

But some former friends believed her life got worse after she began a relationship with a man who introduced her to heroin. They surmised that after he left June, she kept to herself and her heroin use got worse until the day she overdosed.

As she discovered more about her sister, Sara was surprised to feel a depth of grief for June she would have never anticipated. 

Soon after that, she began therapy to deal with her loss.

People who are estranged from family members for a long time and people who have never known certain relatives are often surprised by the many layers of grief they feel.

Grieving in Your Own Way

We're hardwired for attachment in order to survive as babies. We're not hardwired for grief.

Grief is a topic that makes many people feel uncomfortable. In fact, many people try to avoid feeling emotions related to grief. 

The Many Layers of Grief

Those who aren't grieving often express surprise when people who have experienced a loss are continuing to grieve. 

Many make unkind remarks like, "You're still sad about your loss? How can this be when it's been over a year?" or "You just need to get out there and meet someone new."

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, there's no one right or wrong way to grieve so if you're grieving, you'll go through it in your own time and in your own way, but it's important to make room for all your feelings.  

Certain rituals in various cultures are meant to help those who are grieving to acknowledge their feelings and come together with other people for emotional support (see my article: The Power of Creating Rituals).

The Many Layers of Grief

But after everyone has gone home and returned to their lives, you'll probably realize your life has changed in unanticipated ways after your loss.  

You might return to work and other routines but, just like any other profound experience, grief can change you.

Aside from experiencing the loss, you might also discover that, over time, grief can give you a new appreciation for love and life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through grief in their own way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Coping With Grief: It's Common For Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Complicated Grief

Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Taking Care of Yourself After the Death of a Loved One

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Who Are You After Both Parents Have Died?

The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' House After They Die

Writing as a Way to Cope With Grief

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

Coping With the Loss of a Pet