How Your Perspective About Your Parents Changes Over Time

Like most people, your perspective about your parents will probably change over the course of your lifetime.  Whether your parents are still alive or they have passed away, as you change, your perspective about your parents also changes (see my articles: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die).

How Your Perspective About Your Parents Changes Over Time

Whether you idealized your parents as a child or you resented them, as you get older and develop psychologically, you're able to see things about your parents that you weren't able to see at an earlier stage of your life.

Depending upon your relationship with your parents and your life experience, this might mean that you no longer idealize your parents because you now see them as ordinary people or your resentment decreases because you now understand what they went through.

As a child, there might have been aspects of your parents' lives that you didn't know or that you couldn't understand at the time.  But when you're older with more life experience, you will probably see your parents' in a different way.

A new perspective about your parents allows for a change in your relationship with them.  Whether it brings you closer or causes you to feel more distant from them depends upon your particular circumstances.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Your Perspective About Your Parents Changes Over Time
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how your view of your parents can change:

Alice
Alice began psychotherapy after she discovered an old family secret about her parents' relationship.

She told her psychotherapist that, after her parents moved out of their house and into an assisted living facility, she worked on gradually clearing out the house so that it could eventually be sold.

Alice explained that she had a lot of feelings about emptying out the house because it was the house where she grew up and the only home her parents ever had in their long marriage.  Although she was glad that her parents would now live in a facility that would make life easier for them, she also felt sad that the house would no longer be part of her life after it was sold.

The process of clearing out the house took a lot longer than Alice anticipated because, as she began the clearing out process, she found many old pictures, videos and letters.  She had so many memories to contend with that the process was almost overwhelming at times.

Alice said that there was one day when she was going through her parents' belongings and she came across an old picture of her father and a woman that Alice didn't recognize.  Her father had his arm around the woman and the woman was gazing lovingly into his eyes.

The picture was at the bottom of an old chest in the attic that belonged to her father where he kept old photos of his family, and college awards and certificates.

When Alice turned the picture over to see the back, she was shocked to read a note in a woman's handwriting, "My darling, Rich, you are the love of my life.  Love, Ann."

Alice noticed that the photo was dated 1962, which would have been 12 years after her parents got married.  She felt like a ton of bricks had just landed on her and she had so many questions whirling around in her mind that she had to sit down and take a deep breath:  Who was this woman and what was her father doing with her?  Did he have an affair?  Why was he holding onto this picture?

How Your Perspective About Your Parents Change Over Time

She told her psychotherapist that she sat in the attic for a long time not knowing what to do.  She had always been closer to her father than her mother and she looked up to her father ever since she could remember.

At first, she placed the picture back where she found it and closed her father's chest.  Then, she took the picture out again and took it with her when she left.

She was planning to visit her parents later on that same afternoon, but she called them and made an excuse as to why she wasn't coming.

Then, she sat on her living room couch, looked at the picture and wondered whether to ask her father about it or not.  If she did ask him about it, she wasn't sure how to broach the topic with him.

She wondered: If she spoke with him, would he get angry?  Would he tell her that it was none of her business?  But then she realized that her father had never been this way with her before.

When her husband came home, she showed him the picture and he was surprised too.  He knew that it would continue to bother Alice until she spoke with her father, so he encouraged her to wait until she could speak with her father alone to ask him about it.

Tossing and turning, she barely slept that night.  The mystery about her father and the woman in the picture was eating away at her.  She ruminated about it all night long.

She thought about how in 1962, she would have been 11 years old, and she tried to think about what was going on in her family during that time.  But she couldn't remember anything unusual.

By the next morning, Alice said, she decided to visit her parents at the assisted living facility.  As it turned out, Alice's mother was in the beauty salon, so Alice had time alone with her father.  As she thought about how to broach the topic with her father, she suggested taking a walk around the grounds.

Her father was in his usual cheerful mood and talked about he and Alice's mother were making friends at the assisted living facility.  Then, as they took seats at an outdoor table near the pool, he asked Alice how the clearing out process was going.

All along, Alice felt her heart pounding and her throat constricting as if she were about to burst out crying.  Not knowing how to approach the topic with her father, she took the picture out of her pocket and wordlessly placed it in front of her father.

Her father looked down at the photo for a moment and then he pushed it back in Alice's direction, "I knew there was something bothering you, Alice, the moment I saw you, but I didn't know what it was.  Is this what's bothering you?"

Alice could barely speak, "Dad, who is this woman?"

Her father looked away and stared out into the distance, "Alice, it was a long time ago. Let sleeping dogs lie.  Your mother and I worked this out years ago."

Alice burst into tears, "Is that all you're going to say?  I've looked up to you all my life.  Do you know how shocking it was for me to find this picture?"

Alice's father let out a long sigh and looked into Alice's eyes, "I'm sorry to disappoint you.  I'm sorry I haven't lived up to your image of me.  Your mother and I were going through a rough patch at that point and I had an affair with another woman, but I never stopped loving your mother or you.  I told your mother about the affair when Ann threatened to confront your mother about the it.  She wanted to me to leave your mother and I wouldn't do it--I wouldn't leave your mother and you, so she started threatening me.  Your mother and I eventually worked it out and decided to stay together.  The affair last a few months and there never was a another woman before or after Ann.  We never wanted you to know about our problems.  I'm sorry you found this picture.  I forgot that I even had it."

Alice's thoughts were so confused that she didn't know how to respond, so they sat in silence for a while.  Then, Alice said that she needed to leave and she would see him and her mother soon.  Before she left, she hugged her father and kissed his cheek perfuctorily and then she rushed to her car.  A few days later, Alice made an appointment to see the psychotherapist.

As she sat in her psychotherapy session, Alice told the psychotherapist that part of her felt like a child again who wanted to keep looking up to her father, but another part of her felt like an angry adult who felt betrayed (see my article: Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult Perspective or From an Inner Child Perspective?).

She wasn't sure how she felt about her father now.  In a way, since she found the photo, she felt like he was different from the person that she had always known him to be.

Alice met with her psychotherapist once a week to try to work out how she felt about her father.  There were times when she felt that if her parents worked out this problem all those years ago, she should forgive her father for making this mistake.  But then there were other times when she felt angry and hurt.

She also saw her mother in a different way.  For most of her life, she thought of her father as being the more nurturing and loving parent and she saw her mother as the more practical, stoic parent.  Now she felt much more compassionate towards her mother, and she wondered how much of her mother's stoicism was related to her efforts to deal with the affair.

Alice also felt confused about her childhood since she found the photo.  She had always thought that she had a happy childhood and that she was from a stable, loving home.  But now that image of the happy family was marred by the discovery of her father's affair.

A week later, Alice's mother called her and suggested that Alice come visit.  On the drive there, Alice wondered if her father had mentioned anything to her mother and if this was the reason why her mother wanted to see her.

When she arrived, Alice found her mother alone sitting out by the pool.  As soon as she saw Alice, her mother waved for her to come sit next to her.  As Alice approached the table, she had already made up her mind not to mention anything to her mother about the photo if her mother didn't bring it up.  She felt there was no need to upset her mother about this issue all these years later.

When Alice sat down, her mother reached across the table and put her hand over Alice's hand, "Your father told me."

They sat in silence for a few seconds, and then her mother squeezed Alice's hand, "I know you're upset about this, but try not to be too hard on your father.  I've made peace with that affair a long time ago.  I hope you can too.  Your father is a good man who made a mistake."

After a long silence, Alice told her mother that she never would have thought that her father would ever do something like this.  In response, Alice's mother smiled, "I know, dear.  I felt the same way back then, but your father and I were going through a difficult time.  We tried to keep it from you  because you were too young to be burdened by this.  He made a mistake.  I think he found some consolation with Ann, but he would never leave you and me.  He loved us too much to ever leave."

Alice and her mother talked for the rest of the afternoon.  Throughout their conversation, Alice went back and forth from feeling like an 11 year old girl to feeling like an adult.

When she saw her parents together again, they looked happy and, as always, they were affectionate with each other.  She told herself that, even though the affair was news to her, her parents had more than 50 years to reconcile their relationship.

Alice continued to attend her weekly psychotherapy sessions and talk about her disillusionment.  Over time, she realized that, until she found that photo, she still saw her father through a child's adoring eyes and her idealization of him wasn't realistic.  She grieved in therapy for the loss of that idealization.

How Your Perspective About Your Parents Changes Over Time

Over time, Alice was gradually able to accept on an emotional level that her father is human and he made a mistake at a time when her parents were going through a difficult time.  As she continued to work on this in therapy, she was able to see her parents from an adult perspective--kind and loving people who  had their flaws just like everyone else.

As Alice accepted that her father made a mistake and he had made amends with her mother, she felt even closer to each of her parents.

Conclusion
There are many ways that your perspective about your parents can change over the course of a lifetime.

Whether you discover family secrets or you develop new insights into your parents, as you change and grow, your perspective of your parents can also change and grow.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when problems arise and you're unable to resolve them on your own.  Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through your problems so that you can move on with your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned

Fear of being abandoned is one of the most common reasons why people come to therapy (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).  For adults who have experienced early traumatic abandonment, the fear can be so great that, without realizing it, they abandon others first because they fear being abandoned (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma).

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of  Being Abandoned

A person who has experienced traumatic abandonment as a child can get easily triggered.  To someone who is looking at the situation from the outside, it might be hard to understand what precipitated this trigger.  But to the person who fears being abandoned, the fear is very real at the time.

Often, the emotional trigger is unconscious so that the person who fears being abandoned might not even know what caused him or her to react.

People who fear being abandoned will often say that they felt panicky at the time and would do anything to avoid feeling abandoned.  They will often describe the feeling as a sudden rush of emotion that comes over them which they feel they can't control.

Sometimes, in hindsight, when they no longer feel triggered, they say they realize that they overreacted to a particular situation.  But realizing this often isn't enough to prevent it from happening again because it's not a conscious response--it's an unconscious response.

The fear is usually related to an unresolved childhood trauma.  In other words, it already happened, but the emotions are so strong that it feels like it's happening now.

Even though a romantic partner can try to be understanding when this occurs, over time, s/he might give up on the relationship because it becomes too painful to keep going through one breakup after another, especially if the partner also has abandonment issues, which isn't so unusual.

So, unfortunately, this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the person who feels abandoned.  This becomes "proof" that his or her fears were real in the here and now and not just related to early traumatic experiences.

In order to understand this dynamic better, let's take a look a fictional vignette, which represents many different cases where these dynamics are common:

Cindy:
Cindy came to therapy because she was deeply afraid that her boyfriend, John, would leave her.  She told the therapist that whenever she felt this way, she would panic and want to leave the relationship before her boyfriend left her.

There were times when she could calm herself enough so that she could tell herself that there was no rational reason for her to feel this way.  At those times, she would realize that her boyfriend, who was loving and kind, gave her no indication that he wanted to leave her.

But there were other times when she tried to use the same type of self talk to calm herself, but it didn't work.

Contrary to everything that she knew about her boyfriend, she felt sure that he was going to leave her, and she knew she couldn't tolerate that.  So, she would end the relationship abruptly, telling her boyfriend that she knew he wanted to end it with her and she would rather end it herself rather than wait for him to end it.

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned

When Cindy was feeling most fearful, no matter how much her boyfriend told her that he had no intention of breaking up with her, she just "knew" that he would, so he couldn't convince her not to breakup with him.

When she talked to her therapist about it, in hindsight, she was able to describe how she felt "in control" of the situation during those times when she ended it.  She felt like she had averted a "catastrophe" in her life.  But shortly afterwards, she felt miserable because she missed her boyfriend and she regretted breaking up with him.

Cindy asked her therapist, "Why am I doing this?  Am I losing my mind?  How can I feel like I'm in control when, in reality, I'm completely out of control?"

As they talked about Cindy's family background, it soon became apparent what was getting triggered for Cindy.

Cindy was raised by a single mother and her mother's parents.  When Cindy was four, her mother moved away from their home town to take a job in another state where there were better employment opportunities.

Many years later, Cindy found out that her mother and grandparents were very ashamed of the fact that Cindy's mother, who never graduated high school, couldn't find a job in their town and she had to move away to take a job as a domestic worker in another town.  They were so ashamed of it that it became the "family secret" (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).

Since it was the "family secret," no one talked to Cindy about this before her mother left.  Cindy's mother and maternal grandparents mistakenly thought it would be best not to mention anything to Cindy beforehand.  So, one day when Cindy came home from playing with a friend and she asked her grandmother where her mother was, her grandmother told her that the mother would be back "in a little while."

As day turned to night, Cindy became worried when her mother didn't come home.  Her grandparents responded by trying to distract her, but all Cindy could think about was that something awful must have happened to her mother.

Her mother and grandparents loved Cindy and they had no intention of hurting her.  They just didn't understand how damaging this would be for Cindy.  They thought "she's young, she'll get over it."

Fear of Abandonment

As days turned into weeks, Cindy became sad and angry.  She also felt guilty and ashamed because she thought she did something to make her mother leave her.

Until then, she had always been well behaved, but as she felt more and more frustrated by her grandparents' excuses about her mother, she would have temper tantrums, refuse to eat and refuse to go to bed.

After a while, when her grandparents saw that Cindy was inconsolable, they told her that her mother had to go away for a while and she would be back.

When she asked why, they wouldn't talk to her anymore about it.  So, Cindy assumed that they were lying and that, for sure, something awful happened to her mother and they just didn't want to talk about it.

Cindy became a very anxious child.  She remembered having nightmares where she would see her mother and ask her why she left and her mother would just smile and then fade away.

Several months after her mother left, the mother returned to the household, which was shocking to Cindy.  She remembered wondering if she was dreaming.  The mother and the grandparents didn't understand why Cindy seemed so shocked when she saw her mother.

After that, even though she normally slept by herself, Cindy insisted on cuddling with her mother and holding onto her mother's pajama top throughout the night.  She was so afraid that her mother would leave again that she felt she had to hold on to her.

Even though her mother remained in their town, Cindy never got over the feeling of being abandoned by her mother and always feared that her mother would leave again without telling her.

Years later, when she got into a relationship with John, she had a hard time whenever he had to go on a business trip. She feared that there would be some calamity that would take him away from her, like a plane crash, or that he would decide not to return.

There were so many things that would trigger her fear of being abandoned that John would avoid telling Cindy certain things too far in advance because he didn't want her to suffer the whole time.  Cindy came to realize that John would try to avoid telling her about his business trips too far in advance and this only made her more anxious.

Although he was normally patient, John was starting to feel exasperated because he didn't know what to do.  Cindy could see how frustrated John was and this was another trigger for her to worry about him leaving her.

At that point, John suggested that Cindy see a therapist to work on her fear of being left.

Cindy's therapist used EMDR Therapy to work on the current fear related to John and they eventually went back to her earliest memory related to her mother leaving (see my article:  How EMDR Therapy Works).

The work wasn't easy or fast, but Cindy had a felt sense of the connection between her current fears of being abandoned and the earlier, deeper fears.

Overcoming Your Fear of Abandonment

With EMDR therapy, she was able to work through her fears, both the current fear and the early fears of being abandoned so that it was no longer a problem for her.

Conclusion
Fear of abandonment is one of the most common reasons why people come to therapy.

This fear is usually related to earlier memories that get triggered in a person's current life.

Often, the fear can be so intense that the person would rather leave his or her partner or spouse first than anticipate being left.

This dynamic can repeat itself over and over again in different relationships until the trauma is worked through in therapy.

Experiential types of therapy, like EMDR, are especially effective in helping clients to overcome traumatic memories (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Can Help to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have fears of being abandoned, you're not alone.

Experiential therapy is usually effective in helping clients to overcome this fear.

Rather than continuing to enact your fears, you could work with a licensed mental health therapist who has experience helping clients to overcome trauma.

Once you're free from the effects of your history of trauma, you'll be free to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

Over the years, I have worked with many clients to help them overcome their fear of abandonment.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

I've written several articles about mourning and grief, including: 

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions 

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Allowing Room For Grief

Coping With Grief: It's Common For the Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better.  

In this article, I want to discuss a different type of loss, the loss of an unknown father.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

There are many children today that are being raised by a single parent, usually a mother. Many of those children have never met their father.

Often, the unknown parent remains somewhat of a mystery.  Either the identity of the parent is shrouded in secrecy or the child might be curious about the other parent but senses that it would upset family members to bring it up, so s/he doesn't.

I've worked with clients who, after many years of having no contact with the other parent, find out that the parent has died.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

Having never known this parent, this kind of mourning is different from the loss of a parent with whom the child has developed a relationship.

This mourning involves the sadness, frustration and anger of what was missed and will never be--the relationship between the child and the deceased parent.

Many people who lose an unknown parent in this way feel deep sadness for never having sought out this parent or might feel anger that the parent never sought them out.

The following fictional vignette, based on many different cases, illustrates how an individual suffers with this loss and how therapy can be helpful to cope:

Bill
Bill grew up as an only child.  He was raised by his single mother, his maternal grandmother and maternal aunt, who all lived in the same household.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

When he was a young child, Bill tried to ask about his father, but whenever he asked his mother, aunt or grandmother, they told him to stop asking questions (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).

Even though he wanted to know where his father was and why he wasn't around, Bill knew that his questions made his relatives, especially his mother, unhappy, so he stopped asking and kept his sadness and curiosity to himself.

His uncles and other male mentors tried to take the place of his missing father, but Bill always wondered about his father.

After college, he moved out, got married and had two children of his own.

Not having had a father, he made sure to spend time with his children and being a good husband and father was very important to him.

One day, shortly after Bill's 35th birthday, he received a call from his aunt, who told him that she received a call from his father's brother in Atlanta letting her know that Bill's father died.

As his aunt was telling him the funeral in Atlanta, Bill felt a sudden shock in his stomach.  No one had ever spoken to him about his father and now he was hearing that his father was dead.  It all seemed surreal.

Bil felt a welling up of sadness and anger.  He didn't want to lash out at his aunt, so he just went on "automatic pilot" and took down the information about the funeral.  When she asked him if he was alright, he choked back his tears and told her that he was fine.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known 

After he hung up the phone, Bill just stared at the information he had just written down on a piece of paper.  Then, he crumbled it up in anger and threw it in the trash.

When his wife, Edna, saw him, she knew immediately that something was wrong and she asked him about it.  Bill tried to say he was alright, but Edna knew him well enough to know that he wasn't telling her something, so she kept asking him to tell her what was bothering him.

Finally, Bill broke down in tears and showed Edna the crumbled piece of paper where he wrote down his father's name and the information for the funeral home in Atlanta.

He didn't need to explain anything to Edna.  She understood what it meant.  She put her arm around him and said softly, "I'll go with you."

Before talking to Edna, Bill felt too angry to go to his father's funeral, but she persuaded him that it could be a healing experience for him and he might regret not going.

Later that night, Bill heard from his mother.  He felt the old fear he used to feel when he was a child whenever he wanted to talk about his father.  He didn't want to upset his mother by talking about his father now.

His mother's voice sounded strained when she asked him if he was going to the funeral.  Bill could hear anger and sadness in her voice.

When he was a child, although he was never explicitly asked to choose between his mother and father, he felt that asking questions about his father hurt his mother, so he kept quiet.  Now, those same feelings were upon him, even though he was an adult.

Bill wasn't sure what to say to his mother, so he told her that he was thinking about it.  There was silence on the other end, and then his mother hung up.  Normally, when his mother got angry and hung up on him, Bill would call her back, but he didn't know what to say to her, so he remained silent.

All the way to the airport and on the flight, Bill felt emotionally numb.  He didn't know what to think or say.  Edna told him to take it one step at a time and not to think too much about what might happen or how he might feel.

So many thoughts were swirling around his head, "Why?" "Why have I never met my father before?"  "Why didn't he seek me out?"  "Why was my father kept a secret from me?" "Why didn't I seek him out once I became an adult?  Now it's too late.  He's dead.  Am I a terrible person?  Was he?"

They were met at the airport by Bill's uncle, who had a strong resemblance to Bill, "I'm your Uncle Joe, your father's younger brother."  Then, he gave Bill and Edna big hugs and greeted the children.

On the car ride, Bill thought it was so strange that, even though he had never met his Uncle Joe before, he felt like he had known him all his life.

As Joe drove them to his house, he filled Bill in on the Bill Sr's final days in the hospital after he made a massive heart attack.  He told Bill that his father never forgot him and always wanted to connect with him, but Bill's mother wouldn't allow it.  She sent back all of the letters that he sent to Bill unopened.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

Uncle Joe told him that his father didn't know how to reach Bill when Bill was an adult.  He told him that he hoped to see Bill before he died, but he knew that Bill's mother would never tell Bill that he called, and then the end came too quickly.

Uncle Joe was the relative who called Bill's maternal aunt to let her know that Bill Sr. died.  Joe was surprised that Bill's aunt told him about the call, but he was glad that she did.

Bill felt such a mixture of emotions, but he tried to stay calm.

When they got to the house, Joe took Bill aside and handed Bill a stack of letters that were returned to Bill Sr. unopened.  Bill stuffed the letters in his luggage without even looking at them.

Throughout the course of the next few days, Bill met his father's side of the family--many uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews.  He also met two younger half-brothers.  Everyone embraced him warmly and Bill was very moved by it all.  He had no idea that he had so many relatives on his father's side.

When Bill and Edna went to the funeral home with the other family members, Bill was stunned to see how much he looked like his father.  It was like looking at a picture of what he would look like in 25 years.

Waves of deep sadness went through him as he looked at this man, who was his father.

Before he left, his relatives promised to stay in touch.  They also made him promise to come to the next family reunion in the summer.

When he got back to New York, Bill felt overwhelmed by his emotions, alternating between sadness, anger, confusion and frustration.

While he was in Atlanta, he heard many stories about his father, some of them were sad and others were funny.  He found out that his parents were together until he was one years old and then they split up after his mother found out that Bill Sr. cheated on her.  He moved back to live with his family in Atlanta after that, but he longed to see the son he left behind in New York.

Now that Bill was back home in New York, all of these stories were whirling around in his head and he didn't know what to make of them.  He wished he had known these stories when he was a young boy.

After Bill had many sleepless nights, his wife suggested that he go to therapy.

After Bill developed a rapport with his therapist, he brought the unopened letters to their sessions.  He read one letter at a time in each session because it felt too overwhelming to read more.

From those letters, Bill could feel his father's anguish at being separated from him and his longing to reconnect.

Over time, Bill began to mourn the loss of his father, a man he felt he was just getting to know from his father's letters and from contact with his paternal family.  He also mourned for his younger self from childhood, who carried the weight of the loss without being able to talk to anyone about it.

Working through his grief included forgiving his mother for not allowing his father to have contact with him.  Bill came to see that she was very hurt about the infidelity and she thought she was protecting Bill from his father.

Eventually, Bill and his mother were able to have a heart-to-heart talk.  She was no longer angry that he went to his father's funeral, and she apologized for keeping his father away from him.  Bill could see that, even after all of these years, she was still hurt about the pain that Bill Sr. caused her.

After a while, his mother told him more stories about his father.  Some were sad, but many stories were positive and funny. He noticed that much of her anger towards Bill Sr. was starting to dissipate as she recalled their good memories together.

Mourning the Death of a Father You've Never Known

Bill continued to attend his therapy sessions to process his feelings and this change in his relationship with his mother.

Gradually, the raw pain of his grief began to subside.  He was left with the feeling, now more than ever, that he wanted to be a good husband and father, and that time with his family was precious.

Conclusion
Mourning for a parent who was never known is a different experience than mourning for a parent that you have a relationship with all of your life.

Many people, who haven't had this experience, find it difficult to understand why anyone would be sad for the loss of a parent that you have never known.

But this loss goes much deeper than can be seen on the surface.  It's the loss of what was often longed for and never known and, after the death, the loss of what never will be.

In many families, this type of loss involves a family secret, and even young children can sense that it's a taboo topic.

In order to spare the feelings of the other parent, a child will often clam up and bear his or her feelings alone.  This is a very lonely, sad and overwhelming endeavor for any child.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to avoid the pain and stuffing your feelings can result in compromising your health and mental health as well as your close relationships.

Psychotherapy can help you to cope with this loss and come through the cycle of mourning with a deeper understanding of yourself, your lost parent and your family.

Therapy can also help you to work through the grief so you can live a more emotionally authentic life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist wh works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article: Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

I recently went to see "Before and After Dinner With Andre", a wonderful documentary about actor and director Andre Gregory, which was made by his wife Cindy Kleine.  Many people will remember Andre Gregory from the film, "My Dinner With Andre".  

One of the themes in Before and After Dinner is that Mr. Gregory discovers information in a book that implicates his late father, a Russian Jew, as a Nazi collaborator.  Mr. Gregory begins a search to discover if his father was leading a secret life.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret After His Death

Unraveling the Mystery of a Father's Secret Life
Most of us can only imagine how painful it could be to try to unravel and piece together such a mystery about one's own father, and how many questions this would raise, especially after a father's death when he's no longer around to answer questions.  The film, which will be released in other cities in the US soon, is worth seeing, so I don't want to give it away.

Although most of us will never have to deal with a mystery of this magnitude about our fathers, it's not unusual for questions to arise after a father's death about some aspect of his life, and for adult children to search for answers about his life.

There's also a book that was recently published, After Visiting Friends: A Son's Story, written by Michael Hainey.  I haven't read the book, but it sounds intriguing.  According to the reviews that  I've read, the author was told when he was a child that his father died "after visiting friends," which was a euphemism for a secret aspect of his father's life.  So, Mr. Hainey sets out to discover what really happened to his father.

The Adult Child Must Be Emotionally Prepared to Discover the Father's Secret
I've worked with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who had reason to believe, after their fathers died, that their fathers led secret lives that these clients felt compelled to discover.  

This type of search can become an all-consuming endeavor because of the amount of effort that's often required to find out "the truth."  And, at times, even with an exhaustive search, the results of the search might be ambiguous.  Also, the child, who is now an adult, must be emotionally prepared to learn whatever there might be to discover about his or her deceased father.

In many cases, just knowing that there were possible secrets can be jarring for the adult child, as described by Andre Gregory in the film, Before and After Dinner, to find out that the father you thought you knew while he was alive isn't who you thought he was--or you didn't have the whole story.

Often, this type of search about one's deceased father is not only about trying to discover information about who the father really was, but also an effort to try to understand what this means with regard to the father-child relationship.

This type of search can evoke many different kinds of emotions, including sadness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, depending upon the father's secret and why a part of the father's life was kept secret from the child.

It can cause the adult child to wonder about the meaning of a father's secret life and how it might reflect on his or her relationship with the father when the father was alive.

Ultimately, whether an adult child decides to initiate such an investigation about a father is a very personal choice.  There are some people who would rather not know.

In any case, I highly recommend the documentary, "Before and After Dinner", which is both funny and poignant.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots

Emotional blind spots are often aspects of ourselves that we're unable to see, but other people, especially people who are close to us, can see.  The problem with emotional blind spots is that they often keep us making the same mistakes over and over again or they affect our loved ones in ways we never intended.

Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots

The following composite scenario is an example of an emotional blind spot.  As a composite of many cases, it preserves confidentiality.

Mary
Mary never knew her father when she was growing up.  It was a family secret.  When other young children talked about their fathers, she felt sad and wished she had a father too.  

It wasn't until she attended the funeral of a family friend, when she was in her mid-20s, that she found out, inadvertently when she overheard people talking, that this "family friend" was actually her biological father.  He was always nice to her, and she was very fond of him.  

Mary was shocked and very sad to discover that she never had a father-daughter relationship with him. When she confronted her mother about it, her mother refused to discuss it, so Mary vowed that she would never do this to her future children.

When she became pregnant from a man that she had only been dating for a few months and had already broken up with because he was unreliable, she decided to have the baby and allow him to be involved in the child's life, just as most fathers would be.  But the child's father continued to be unreliable and continually disappointed their daughter by not showing up.  The child, who looked forward to seeing the father, was always disappointed and hurt.

Mary's mother and sisters tried to talk to her about how damaging this was to Mary's daughter, who was now seven.  But Mary kept insisting that it was important for her daughter to have the father in the picture.  Due to her own unresolved needs, she continued to try to keep the father involved, and he continued to disappoint the daughter.  Mary couldn't see that her emotional blind spot and her own unresolved childhood issues kept her in denial and were emotionally damaging to her daughter.

As a teenager, when Mary's daughter refused to see her father any more, Mary felt very upset.  All of her friends and family told her that her daughter's decision was an emotionally healthy decision because the father always disappointed her.  Mary had a hard time seeing it--until a close friend tactfully suggested that Mary might have an emotional blind spot about this issue and suggested that Mary see a therapist.

Somewhat hesitantly, Mary started therapy and when her therapist also pointed out her emotional blind spot, Mary began to deal with her own loss and realized that it was affecting her ability to see what was best for her daughter.  She grieved for the father she never had and, over time, she freed herself from this emotional burden that was starting to drive a wedge between her and her daughter.

Emotional blind spots are often hard for us to see on our own.  They usually involve aspects of ourselves, our lives or our loved ones that we're in denial about.  One clue that you might have an emotional blind spot, which is unconscious, is when you keep finding yourself in the same situation over and over again.

An example of a possible emotional blind spot is if you keep choosing romantic partners that have problems with alcohol or who are abusive.  If you continually find yourself in these types of situations, it's worth exploring if you have an emotional blind spot.

Getting Help in Therapy
Working through your emotional blind spots with a skilled, objective therapist usually gets you a lot further than trying to deal with emotional blind spots on your own.  Once you're free of the emotional blind spots that cause you to keep making the same mistakes, you have a chance for a much more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more abut m, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When "Family Loyalty" Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Sessions

"What's said in this house stays in this house" is a phrase that many people heard as children when they were growing up, usually said by a parent, grandparent or another adult family member in a stern tone.  As children, many of us learned that family loyalty, with all that this implies about not talking about the family's personal business or family secrets, was a very important cultural value.  For someone who was raised with a strong sense of family loyalty, it can be difficult to start therapy and talk about family problems.  It can make a person feel guilty, ashamed, and ambivalent about therapy.  How can he or she reconcile the need to overcome unresolved family of origin issues with a strong sense of family loyalty?

"Family Loyalty" Can Get in the Way of Your Therapy Sessions

Feeling Like You're Betraying Your Family By Going to Therapy

For many people in therapy, who struggle with this dilemma, it can feel like they're betraying their family by even going to therapy, especially if their problems involve past or current family issues.  This becomes even more of a challenge if family members were not encouraged to be individuals while, at the same time, being a member of the family.  If there was an all-or-nothing attitude about this--you could either be your own person or a loyal family member (but not both), this dilemma becomes even more of a problem.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of this dilemma:

Betty:

Betty, who was a first generation American, was raised in a very traditional family.  Family loyalty was paramount.  Her father often warned Betty and her siblings that the only people they could ever really trust was their family.  It was all well and fine to have friends, their father told them, but they should never put friends above their family.  They were raised to believe that they should never talk about family matters with "outsiders."  "Outsiders" were considered to be anyone who was not part of the immediate family.  

Most of Betty's siblings didn't leave the family home until they were married.  This is how it was for her parents, her grandparents, and prior generations.  But after Betty graduated from the local college, she began feeling stifled at home.  She longed to move out of the family home and away from their neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small town to Betty, so she could live in Manhattan with her friends.  As the youngest child and the only remaining child at home, she wanted to have a greater sense of autonomy.  

When Betty told her parents that she wanted to move out, they were very upset.  They couldn't understand why Betty would want to do this.  They had led such insular lives and it was so far from their own experiences that they didn't know how to respond.  They framed the issues in terms of family loyalty:  Wouldn't Betty rather stay with her family, who care about her, instead of living with "so called friends"?  Why would she want to spend money on rent when she could live at home for free?   Why not just wait until she met "a nice young man" to settle down with?

Betty tried to explain to her parents why she wanted to move out, but they couldn't understand her need  to spread her wings.  It was diametrically opposed to their core values.  She loved her parents and didn't want to upset them.  She felt torn between her parents' needs and her own.  But, ultimately, she knew she needed to be more independent, so she moved out.

Betty's world opened up to new and exciting experiences once she moved out.  She had a successful career, good friends, and a new boyfriend.  Things seemed to be going well for Betty and her boyfriend at first.  But a year later, Betty's boyfriend broke up with her to return to his former girlfriend.  Betty was heart broken.  Her friends suggested that she attend psychotherapy to deal with this loss.  

When Betty began therapy and it was time to talk about her family history, she felt very hesitant.  She felt like she was betraying her family.  She didn't want her family to be analyzed by her therapist.  On an intellectual level, she understood that talking about her family history is part of treatment, but she found it very hard, on an emotional level, to do this.  Her sense of family loyalty made it difficult to even talk about the most basic things about her family.  How could she balance her own needs with this sense that she shouldn't reveal personal aspects about her family?

It took a while for Betty to feel comfortable enough to talk about her family.  She almost felt as if her parents were standing behind her in the therapy room.  Over time, she built a rapport and a sense of trust with her therapist and she could talk more easily.  As she heard herself speak, she realized that, even though she loved her family very much, she also felt emotionally oppressed by them at times.  Gradually, she also learned that it was actually healthy for her to have her own sense of self, separate from her family, and she could love her family and still have some resentment towards them.  It wasn't an either-or thing.  She learned that she wasn't betraying her family by talking about them in her family sessions.  It wasn't a matter of complaining about them, but working through issues that involved them.  

Issues About Family Loyalty Can Come Up at Any Age

This vignette is about a woman in her 20s who, among other things, was struggling to differentiate herself from her family.  But issues about family loyalty often come up for psychotherapy clients in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.  It can come up long after a person feels he or she worked out these issues.  People can be emotionally vulnerable to this at different stages in their lives.  

Struggling with the need to take care of oneself vs the need to be loyal to one's family can be even more challenging if there was physical, emotional or sexual abuse, alcoholism, or other family secrets.  

You Can Take Care of Yourself and Still Love Your Family

When you're engaged in your own therapy, you can learn to take care of yourself while, at the same time, you can still love your family.  It doesn't have to be an either-or choice.  And, unlike stereotypical ideas about psychotherapy, therapy is not about blaming your family.  There is a recognition that we are all, for better or worse, affected by our early childhood experiences.  But we're not slaves to those experiences.  As evolved adults, we learn that we can love ourselves as well as our families, if we choose to, and there's no contradiction in this.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many clients to overcome their struggles with family issues so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article: 
How Do We Balance Our Own Needs with Being Responsive to the Needs of Our Loved Ones?

Toxic Family Secrets

Did you grow up in a home where there were toxic family secrets?

Toxic Family Secrets

Here are a few examples of typical secrets in a dysfunctional family:

Susan's family's toxic secret
It's morning and dad is passed out in bed again from his prior night of binge drinking. Susan, who is nine, overhears her mother calling dad's boss to say that dad is sick and won't be going to work. Even though the mom knows that Susan has seen dad drunk many times, she tells Susan that dad has "the flu" and tells her not to talk to anyone about what she saw the night before. In doing this, she gives Susan a mixed message about what they both know to be true. Susan grows up resenting her mother and father and feeling that she can't trust men and she never wants to get married.

George's family's toxic family secret
George is 15 years old. His father just died. At his father's funeral, to his shock and amazement, he overhears people whispering that the man that he knew and loved was not really his biological father. When he confronts his mother about this a few weeks later, she turns away from him, refusing to talk about it, and only says, "Your real father was no good." George feels overwhelmed, angry and betrayed. He has so many questions, but no one to talk to about it. He doesn't want to upset his mother, so he never brings it up again, but he grows up feeling lost and confused and he has difficulty trusting in his intimate relationships.

Mary grows up feeling ashamed of toxic family secret
Mary is 10 years old. Every night her mother's boyfriend comes into her room and touches her in ways that make her feel uncomfortable. When Mary finally summons up enough courage to tell her mother, her mother gets angry with her and accuses Mary of making up lies. She tells Mary that if she ever mentions this to anyone else, she'll send her away. But later that night, Mary hears her mother and the boyfriend arguing about his going into Mary's room. The next day Mary's mother and the boyfriend act as if nothing has changed and go on with their daily routine. The nightly visits stop, and the subject is never brought up again, leaving Mary deeply confused: Did her mother believe her or not? She grows up feeling ashamed-- she must have done something wrong to cause the mother's boyfriend to behave in this way and for her mother to get angry with her. She also learns not to trust her own feelings. Whenever her romantic relationships start to become serious, she shuts down emotionally and her boyfriends leave her.

John's family's toxic secret about father's gambling
John is 13. He knows that his father earns a good living and should be able to support the family. And yet, there is constant tension and anxiety in the house because his parents are continually struggling to pay the bills. They're unable to give him money for class trips or his football uniform. One day he sees his father going over a horse racing form which he quickly puts away when John walks into the room. Later on, John asks his mother if dad has a gambling problem, and she changes the subject, telling him to go clean his room. John feels hurt and confused. He grows up with anxiety about money and wonders if he'll be able to take care of himself when he grows up.

The Consequences of Toxic Family Secrets:
From these few examples, you begin to see how damaging family secrets can be. Maybe you've identified with one or two of them or they might have brought to mind secrets that your family kept and might still be keeping.

These kinds of family secrets are emotionally toxic. The consequences far exceed what the parents ever could have imagined: hurt, mistrust, shame, guilt, self doubt, anger, resentment, and sometimes an inability to enter into or maintain intimate relationships. Sometimes, people who grew up with toxic family secrets don't realize how they've been affected by them. They might perpetuate these dynamics when they get married with their own children because this way of relating is familiar to them. Toxic family secrets have been known to be a contributing factor to alcohol and drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, codependence, and other problems.

What to Do?
Ask yourself if you grew up with toxic family secrets and, if so, ask yourself how it is affecting you and your current relationships. 

If you sense that family secrets are adversely affecting you now--maybe they're getting in the way of your having or maintaining relationships or you feel you can't trust your own feelings because you don't always know what they are (from years of doubting what you know versus what you were told by your family), it's time to see a mental health professional so that you can learn to overcome the consequences of family secrets and have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of toxic family secrets.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Shame