Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

There can be a thin line between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Since this is a topic that often comes up in couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, it's the focus of the current article.  

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Where you draw the boundary between privacy and secrecy is a personal choice, but be aware that there can be serious consequences to keeping secrets, especially if you or your partner feel betrayed.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?

Let's start by defining the difference between privacy and secrecy and then looking at examples of each.

Privacy

Generally, privacy is consensual with both parties agreeing to the boundaries.

Privacy is also non-threatening to you and your partner because you have an agreement.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Secrecy

Secrecy is nonconsensual.  It hasn't been agreed to by you and your partner and there's no understanding about the boundaries. 

There are often selfish motives to secrecy that only protect the interests of the partner keeping the secret and would be potentially detrimental to the other partner.

Questions For Self Reflection

You and your partner might differ in how you each understand privacy and secrecy, which can create conflict and even jeopardize your relationship.

As a first step, it's important to do some personal introspection and consider the following questions for yourself:

• What are your true motives in keeping something hidden from my partner?

• Are you spending a lot of time and effort in trying to keep it hidden?

• Are you deluding yourself about the possible consequences by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them?"

• Are you hiding people, activities, plans or events in your life from your partner?

• Are you hiding financial matters from your partner, like credit card bills, hotel receipts and so on, when you have an agreement to share financial information (see my article: Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships)

• Are you enlisting the help of friends or family members in keeping aspects of your life hidden from your partner?

• What are the underlying emotions involved with your behavior? Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Guilt? Sadness?

• Has your behavior created emotional and/or sexual distance between you and your partner due the hidden aspects of your life and your underlying emotions about it?

• Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner if they find out or if others find out?

Answering "Yes" to the questions listed above point to keeping a secret rather than maintaining privacy. 

Lies include not only what you say but what you don't say, which are considered lies of omission (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

Also, consider these questions:

• As an empathetic person who cares about your partner, do you have a sense of peace about not revealing certain matters to your partner?  

• If so, what's behind your sense of peace?

• Does your decision coincide with an understanding and agreement you and your partner already have?

If you're being honest about your motives and you said "Yes" to the three questions immediately above, it appears that you're maintaining your privacy and not keeping secrets.

An Example of Maintaining Privacy

Angela and Sara are in a long term relationship. They each know that the other masturbates privately and they have agreed they don't need to talk about the details of their sexual fantasies when it involves other people--as long as they don't get involved with others in real life. Neither of them feels threatened by these fantasies.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

An Example of Keeping a Secret

Jim and Betty have been together for two years, and they have an agreement to be monogamous. Jim values his relationship with Betty, but he can't stop thinking about his ex, Jane.  Occasionally, he meets Jane for coffee without telling Betty. He and Jane talk about the possibility of getting back together again, but Jim doesn't want to break up with Betty.  Jim justifies these get-togethers with Jane because he tells himself that nothing sexual has occurred between them. So, he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He also feels that since Betty doesn't know that he meets with Jane, she won't be hurt by it. But one day Betty walked into the cafe where Jim and Betty go. She saw them sitting close together and talking softly, and she felt devastated and betrayed. Later that night, she confronted Jim, but he denied doing anything wrong. Soon after that Jim and Betty started couples therapy to try to work out their differences with regard to privacy and secrecy and Betty's feelings of betrayal.

Conclusion

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Each couple needs to have an understanding of what the boundaries are in their relationship and honor their agreement.

If you're confused about whether you're maintaining your privacy or keeping a secret, ask yourself the self reflective questions mentioned in this article.

If you are intentionally withholding information from your partner which leads your partner to believe things that are untrue (like you're monogamous when you're cheating), this is considered a lie of omission and your maintaining a secret.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're having problems in your relationship with secrets, get help in individual or couples therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Revenge Porn and How Can You Prevent It?

Revenge porn has become a serious problem over the last several years.  In this article I'll define revenge porn and what you can do to take care of yourself if this happens to you.

Revenge Porn

What is Revenge Porn?

Revenge porn is usually defined as sharing sexually explicit photos of someone to shame or humiliate them.

The usual scenario is that when someone in a relationship wants to end it, the other person either threatens to share sexually explicit photos with others or on social media as a way to get back at the individual who wants to end the relationship.

These threats are also made as form of coercion where the partner who is making the threats hopes to prevent the breakup.

The person who threatens or who actually shares sexually explicit photos wants to frighten, control, and embarrass the other person and cause emotional pain.

Why Do People Engage in Revenge Porn?

Generally speaking, the person who is angry about being left wants to hurt the partner because s/he feels hurt, abandoned and angry about being left.  It's a way to get back at their ex.  This is not an excuse to condone this behavior.  It's an explanation for the behavior.

Some people who make these threats might hope that the threats will keep their partner from leaving or, if they have already broken up, they might hope that it will force the ex to get back in the relationship.  This is obviously a very serious form of manipulation.  

Note:  In New York City, revenge porn is a crime (more about this later).

Not surprisingly, research into this behavior has revealed that people who engage in revenge porn often lack empathy and are not concerned about hurting others.

Feeling Betrayed and Violated by Revenge Porn

Anyone who has ever had the experience of having sexually explicit pictures shared with others or placed on social media without permission feels betrayed and violated.

Going through a breakup can be painful enough without having to deal with an ex--someone you once loved and trusted--violating your trust by exposing your nude photos.  It can make you feel like you never knew this person, and it can make it hard for you to trust again in future relationships.

Revenge Porn: Prevention First

To avoid having potential problems in the future, your best option is not to allow anyone to take nude or sexually explicit pictures of you that you wouldn't want to be revealed.

It might feel sexy and fun to share nude pictures, but once these pictures are out of your possession, it's hard to control what someone might do with them.

If someone has taken pictures of you that you're unaware of, that's a different story.  But, to the extent that you can avoid this problem, prevention is your best choice.

Revenge Porn is Illegal in New York
I want to emphasize that I am a psychotherapist and not a lawyer.  But I'm aware that in New York City revenge porn is a crime.

The New York City Council passed a law that makes it illegal to leak nude images with the intent to harm someone.  In New York City, the person who leaks such photos risks going to jail or being fined $1,000.

In order to break the law, the individual who is sharing the photos must be trying to cause harm on an economic, physical or on an emotional level.  It is also illegal to threaten to show nude photos, and the perpetrator can be sued (click on this link for more information from the NYC Council website about the law).

You can also consult with an attorney to find out your other legal options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to cope with revenge porn can be traumatic on many levels.

Many people who have experienced revenge porn feel too ashamed to talk to friends and family about it or, if they do, they often find that their loved ones don't understand.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the feelings of betrayal, sadness and anger that people often experience after revenge porn (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these feelings (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a sex positive trauma-informed psychotherapist, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship After You Have Had an Affair

In my last article, I focused on how an injured partner can cope with intrusive thoughts and emotions after finding out about a spouse's affair.  In this article, I'm discussing what the unfaithful partner can do to try to save the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship an Affair

Research on infidelity reveals that 20-40% of all marriages experience some form of infidelity.  In my opinion, this is a very high number and more research needs to be done to determine why so many people cheat on their partners and what, if anything, can be done in terms of prevention.

Generally, the research reveals that men tend to cheat more than women, but women also cheat.  This article assumes that either a man or a woman is capable of cheating.

After an affair has been discovered, if the relationship is to survive, the partner who cheated has certain responsibilities, especially during the initial stage of this process.

For the Partner Who Cheated:
If you're the partner who cheated, at a minimum, you need to be willing to do the following:

• Be Honest With Yourself About the Infidelity: If you have been minimizing the fact that you are or were having an affair, be honest with yourself about what's going on for you.  Was this a one-time sexual affair, an emotional affair or some combination of the two?  Or, are you someone who has multiple or serial affairs?  Although all infidelity is damaging to a relationship, there is an obvious difference between getting drunk on a business trip and going to bed with someone you met once vs. going online and seeking multiple or serial affairs.  If your behavior is compulsive, you might have a problem with sexual addiction that needs to be addressed (see my article: Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online, Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of Yourself and Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction).

• Be Honest With Your Partner About the Infidelity: Assuming that you want to save your relationship, with time and effort, a relationship can survive infidelity if both partners are willing. What often ruins a relationship is when the partner who cheated lies about it--even when his or her partner shows evidence that the affair has been discovered.  If you want to save your relationship, rather than lying or having the truth come out piecemeal over time, answer your partner's questions honestly, thoroughly and patiently.  This isn't the time to get defensive or to become avoidant.  You owe it to your partner to be open about what happened and answer whatever questions s/he might have. If, on the other hand, you no longer want to be in your relationship, then, as difficult as it might be, you need to be honest about this and communicate this to your partner.  Sometimes, people who cheat do it unconsciously as a way to getting out of the relationship because they don't know how to tell their partner that they no longer want to be in the relationship.  Instead of communicating directly with their partner, they "act out" by having an affair.  Rather than "acting out," you need to be honest, direct (although considerate and tactful) and talk to your partner as soon as you realize you no longer want to be in the relationship.  

• Take Responsibility For the Affair: Rather than making up excuses, take full responsibility for having the affair--regardless of the state of your relationship at the time.  Making excuses, blaming your partner or being defensive will only exacerbate the problem.  

• Show Genuine Remorse: You have caused your partner a lot of pain and put your relationship at risk.  Don't expect to be forgiven the first, second, third or tenth time that you apologize for the affair.  You might need to apologize many, many times.  Also, your partner might not be ready to accept your apology for a while.  Surviving infidelity is a process and you will need to be sincere in showing your remorse and commitment to the relationship.  This can take months or years.  

• Be Attuned and Empathetic to Your Partner's Pain: If you want to save your relationship, you need to show that you're attuned to your partner's feelings and that you care.  This will probably mean that you're going to be on the receiving end of your partner's rage, hurt and sadness for however long it takes your partner to forgive you--assuming that s/he does eventually forgive you.  Be willing to take in your partner's emotions.  This is not the time to try to sweep your partner's feelings under the rug or rush him or her to "move on."  Infidelity is a serious breach and a betrayal.  Unless you can show that you're emotionally present to your partner's pain, your relationship probably won't work out. 

• Don't Dismiss Your Partner's Emotional Reaction: Related to being attuned and empathetic, don't dismiss your partner's reaction to discovering the affair.  Don't tell your partner that s/he is overreacting.  This will only reveal that you're not attuned to your partner's feelings.  Likewise, telling your partner that the "other woman" or "other man" meant nothing to you and you don't understand why your partner is so upset, will make you sound like you're being dismissive.  Even if it's true that the other person meant little or nothing to you, you have to understand that this sounds like you're making excuses and minimizing your partner's emotions. Your partner's response to this could rightfully be, "If she [he] meant nothing to you, why did you do it and risk our relationship?" If, on the other hand, your partner asks you about  your feelings towards the person you had the affair with, that's different--you can respond honestly about that.  In that case, you're responding to your partner rather than trying to minimize the affair.  Remember: Everyone is unique in terms of how s/he reacts to discovering infidelity and how long it takes (if ever) to forgive.

• Cut Off All Ties With the Person You Cheated With: If you're serious about saving your relationship, you must cut off all ties with the "other woman" or "other man."  This is non-negotiable.  No exceptions.  You can't try to salvage your relationship while you maintain a connection with the other person.  If the other person contacts you about reconnecting to resume the affair or "to be friends," you maintain your stance that there can be no contact.  You must let your partner know that the other person contacted you so that your partner doesn't discover this on his or her own.  That would make matters worse because it would look like you're trying to hide things.

• Deal With Triggers That Lead to Cheating: As part of your self reflection about your behavior, consider whether there are certain triggers that lead to your cheating.  For instance, if you know that drinking or drugging lead to cheating on your partner, get professional help for these issues.  If you continue to indulge in substances that usually precede cheating, you will leave yourself vulnerable to cheating and possibly lose your relationship.  Boredom is another possible trigger.  Another example is that if you know that going to certain places makes you vulnerable to cheating, avoid those places if you can or, if you can't, make a plan as to what you will do to avoid cheating and stick with that plan.  Ditto for certain online sites.  Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can be "strong" and deal with triggers.  You will only be kidding yourself, and there's too much at stake to put yourself and your relationship at risk (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• Be Willing to Demonstrate Your Accountability to Your Partner: Whether this means that you allow your partner to have access to your phone, email or other online accounts, you need to show your partner that you're willing to be an open book.  If your partner wants you to call him or her when you're working late at the office or on a business trip, do it.  Do whatever is necessary to try to regain your partner's trust (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair).

• Work Actively to Repair and Rekindle Your Relationship: Beyond everything else that has already been mentioned above, you need to be willing to do major work on your relationship if it is going to survive.  You need to find meaningful ways to show your partner that you love him or her and that s/he is the most important person in the world to you.  If the two of you have been emotionally disconnected, find ways (once your partner is ready and willing) to reconnect emotionally.

Recognize that, ultimately, even if you're very committed to salvaging your relationship, it will be up to your partner to decide if s/he wants to remain in the relationship.  For many people, infidelity is beyond what they can forgive, and you might have to accept this as the consequence of your behavior.

Sometimes couples rush to put the pain behind them without going through the necessary emotional process of dealing with the betrayal and breach of trust.  Then, later on, they discover that just telling each other that they're "moving on" or "starting over" isn't enough.  The problem might have been swept under the rug, but it's still there.

Getting Help in Therapy

Depending upon the underlying issues that caused you to cheat, you might need individual therapy and, if and when your partner is ready, couple therapy.

Coping with the guilt and shame about an affair as well as triggering behavior can be very challenging on your own (see my article: Healing Shame in Therapy and Learning to Forgive Yourself).

Don't underestimate how easy it would be to resume an affair or start a new one, especially if you're not dealing with the root cause of your problem.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has experience working with partners who cheat, can help you to get to the root of your problem and develop the necessary skills to remain faithful in your relationship.

Many couples, who decide they want to remain in their relationship after an affair, don't make it because they get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to change it.

A skilled EFT therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy) can help you and your partner to overcome the negative cycle so that you can rebuild trust and rekindle your relationship.

Getting help in therapy could make the difference between saving your relationship or breaking up.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused (EFT) therapist for couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to survive infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.