How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

New psychotherapy clients, who have never been in therapy before, often ask why therapists ask about family history as part of the beginning phase of therapy.

Talking About Family History as a First Step in Therapy

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

Here are the main reasons why asking about family history is so important to the success of therapy:

• Family Dynamics: The family dynamics often reflect how someone in that family sees themself and how they interact in their relationships with others, including romantic relationships. Family dynamics, which are internalized at an early age, often remain unconscious until someone begins therapy and learns to see connections between their early experiences and their adult relationships (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

• Attachment Patterns: Attachment patterns developed at an early age tend to affect adult relationships. Similar to internalized family dynamics, attachment patterns are often unconscious so that a client is often unaware of it until they develop insight about the affect of these dynamics in therapy (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Develop Early in Childhood

• Transmission of Psychological Trauma: It's not unusual for there to be unprocessed trauma that gets transmitted from one generation to the next in a family. When an individual gets help in trauma therapy, they can see the origins of their trauma and process the trauma so it no longer affects them and it doesn't get passed on to the next generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

• Learned Behavior: Individuals often learn patterns of behavior early in their childhood. They might not be aware they learned this behavior, including how to express emotions, how to deal with stress and how to interact with others, until they become aware of these dynamics in therapy. During therapy their therapist helps them to make connections between their current behavior and what they learned (explicitly or implicitly) early in life (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Genetic Factors: Certain mental health conditions have a genetic component. This includes anxiety, depression, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), autism spectrum disorder and other mental health conditions. Knowing about the possibility of genetic factors can help a client to understand their risk for developing these conditions, help with early detection and make informed mental health treatment decisions.

How Do Psychotherapists Use Family History Information?

Different therapists use family history information in different ways.

As an Experiential therapist with a specialty in trauma therapy, I like to get a family history during the early phase of therapy.  This is part of history taking which, depending upon what the client wants to work on, includes family history, current family dynamics, the history of other significant relationships as well as the history of the presenting problem.

By having the family history, the client and I can work towards:

• Identify recurring patterns

• Understand the context of the client's current problems

• Develop coping skills, strategies and internal resources to do trauma therapy.

• Process the trauma using various forms of therapy (see below)

Conclusion

Getting a family history during the beginning phase of therapy is an important first step in helping clients to overcome their emotional challenges.

Experiential therapists know the client's awareness and insight isn't enough to heal (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Insight is only the first step before the therapist helps clients to work through and overcome their problems through a variety of Experiential Therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Psychotherapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis
  

• Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family System also known as IFS as well as Ego States Therapy)

• Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (also known as depth therapy)

All of these Experiential therapy modalities are effective types of therapy depending upon the client and the presenting problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with emotional issues you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Getting Caught Up In Other People's Emotional Drama

If emotional drama is a way of life for you, it's easy to keep caught up in other people's drama (see my article:  Hooked On Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Seesaw).

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Why Do People Get Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama?

Not everyone gets involved in other people's drama.  Many people run the other way when they detect the chaos of emotional drama.  They find it stressful and annoying, and they want nothing to do with it.

But there are also many people who become fascinated by the drama.  For them, emotional drama has been part of their life since childhood and so it feels "normal" and even exciting.

Recognizing and understanding the root of the problem--that it usually begins early in life--is the start to resolving it, but it's not the entire solution because having an intellectual understanding often doesn't change anything.

It's often a way to take the focus away from oneself by focusing on other people's problems.

What Are the Consequences of Continually Getting Caught Up in Other People's Drama?

For people who habitually get involved in other people's drama (when they're not creating their own), it can feel exciting and addictive.

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

It might start with gossip about an argument between two friends.  It might begin with a rivalry between two family members or some other similar event.

The problem is that, besides usually being a waste of time, the person who habitually gets involved with drama usually gets pulled into the negative vortex of the situation.

Even though it might have started as "juicy gossip," the drama has a way of spiraling out of control and having negative consequences for everyone involved as the problem snowballs beyond anyone's expectations.

So, while it might start with a shot of dopamine and bring excitement, it usually degenerates into a bad situation.  Everyone involved usually loses in the end.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that illustrates the problem:

Anna

Anna liked to say that there was "too much drama" going on among her friends.  But even though she expressed disdain for emotional drama, she found herself getting continually pulled in whenever there was a situation among family or friends.

On a certain level, Anna knew that whenever she got involved with a brouhaha that was going on with other people, she eventually felt exhausted, depleted, annoyed and regretful.

But try as she might, each time a similar situation arose, she felt compelled to jump in and get involved, no matter how many times she vowed to herself not to do it again.

The situation that brought her into therapy involved a problem between two close friends who had a bitter argument about one of the friend's husbands.

Rita called Anna in tears after she found out that their mutual friend, Lisa, was having an affair with Rita's husband, Carlos.  Although her husband and Lisa both denied it, Rita found text messages and nude pictures that confirmed her suspicions.

Rita told Anna that she threw her husband out after she found out about the infidelity, but she wanted him back.  She had thrown Carlos out many times before because of his affairs with other women.  But she feared that there was something more than sex between Carlos and Lisa, and she was afraid she would lose him to Lisa if she didn't take him back.

But before she took him back, Rita wanted Lisa to know that she had to stay away from Carlos because she didn't want to take him back if they were going to continue the affair.  The problem was that Lisa wasn't taking her calls, so she wanted Anna to speak with Lisa.

When Anna heard what happened, she couldn't believe it.  She and all of Rita's friends knew that Carlos was a philanderer.  He had even tried to hit on Anna.  But Anna couldn't believe that Lisa, who was a close friend to both Anna and Rita, would have an affair with Carlos.

How to Stop Getting Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna stayed on the phone with Rita for hours.  Although she felt compassion for Rita, she also realized that she also felt excited.  Her heart was racing, her breathing was heavier and she felt energized.  

By the time she agreed to call Lisa, Anna was completely immersed in Rita's problems.  When Anna put down the phone, she felt pumped as if she had run a race.  

A few minutes later, she got a call from her friend, Paula, who had been friends with Anna and Lisa for more than 20 years.

"Can you believe what's going on with Rita and Carlos!?!," Paula said.  

Then, without even waiting for an answer from Anna, Paula launched into her own interpretation of the events and they remained on the phone for two hours.

By the time Anna got off the phone, she realized that she forgot to go to the store for tonight's dinner, which the store was now closed.

She hurried to something throw something together for dinner.  Then, she thought about how she would approach Lisa.

By the next day, she called Lisa and broached the topic with her.  Before Anna could get too far, Lisa got angry and interrupted her and told her that she was the third person who called her about the "so-called affair" that she was having with Carlos.

Not only did Lisa deny that she had anything to do with Carlos, but she was offended and hurt that anyone would think this, "Whatever pictures Rita thinks she had--they're not me!"  

The conversation devolved into a big argument where Anna told her that she didn't want to be Lisa's friend anymore and Lisa told Anna that she didn't want anything to do with her as well.  Then, they both hung up in anger.

Anna was sad, angry and exhausted.  She realized that she had only made the situation worse and she wanted nothing to do with Rita's problems.  

A few days later, Rita called her sounding sheepish.  She and Carlos were back together again.  She realized that the messages and pictures that she found on Carlos' phone were from a few years ago and they didn't involve Lisa.

Rita was annoyed that Carlos kept these pictures and messages on his phone, but she forgave him and they were planning to take a romantic vacation together soon.  She also apologized to Lisa and told her that she didn't want to lose their 10 year friendship over a mistake that Rita had made.

Then, Rita said, "Lisa is very angry with you and I don't know if she will ever have anything to do with you again."

Anna's mind was spinning by the time Rita got back to talking about her reconciliation with Carlos and how passionate they had been the last few days, Anna wasn't even listening.

All Anna could think was, "I allowed myself to get pulled into someone else's drama and now I may have lost a good friend.  I'm too old for this."

After their conversation, Anna sat quietly for a while.  She felt that there was something old and familiar about all of this, but she wasn't sure what it was.

She tried to reach Lisa to apologize, but Lisa didn't return her calls.

When Anna talked to her husband about it, he told her that this was just like her feuding family and all their emotional drama.  He suggested that she talk to a therapist.

During Anna's therapy sessions, she began to see the similarity between the situation with her friends and old pattern of triangulation in her family.  

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna's mother was constantly getting into arguments and disputes with her siblings and then Anna and her sisters wouldn't see these relatives for months because of the feuding.

Anna realized that she had unconsciously developed the same pattern in her relationships.  Even though she was in her mid-30s, she was still getting in the middle of these feuds with friends as if they were teenagers.

After she overcame the shame and guilt, she was able to come to terms with the underlying issues and why it was so familiar, exciting and compelling to her.

Gradually, Anna worked through her family issues in therapy, and she learned to be more involved in her own life and not get pulled into these dramas.  

Conclusion

The initial excitement and compulsion to get involved in other people's emotional drama is often unconscious and based on early personal history.

When it comes to getting involved in drama, age often has little to do with it.  

An objective outsider might look at the situation and think that the people involved are acting like teenagers, but the people involved in the situation often have little awareness of this.

We each carry around our younger selves, including the infant, young child and the teenage selves.  Any one of them can get activated in a particular situation.

You might recognize the pattern in hindsight, but this is often not enough to disengage the next time because of the unconscious nature of the problem.

Boredom or depression can also be a factor in wanting the temporary "rush" involved with the drama.

Getting Help in Therapy

Since this problem is usually difficult to overcome alone, getting help in therapy is often the solution.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand the roots of this problem and why it feels so compelling whenever it occurs, despite the fact that it hasn't ended well in the past. 

Rather than suffering alone and continuing to make the same mistakes, freeing yourself from the effects of your history in therapy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome a habitual pattern of getting involved in other people's emotional drama and to stop creating their own.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You Now

Part of being an adult is knowing and accepting that there will be loss and difficult times.  No one can escape experiencing emotional pain at certain points in life.  And, even though we can't change what's happened to us in the past, we can learn in therapy how to change how loss and traumatic events affect us (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past).

You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You Now

Without even realizing it, many people who experienced loss or psychological trauma in the past continue to experience these events as if they're happening now.

On an intellectual level, they know that they're not experiencing the event now but, on an emotional level, they continue to feel it as if it's happening in the present.

Even when someone is aware that s/he is "stuck" emotionally and s/he wants to get "unstuck," it's often hard to do alone.

How to go about getting "unstuck" is different for each person and situation.  For many people, in order to start the healing process, they have to grieve for the loss or change in their life.

This can be challenging because, even when people want to feel better, there can still be a part of them that wants to hold on.

Grieving is often an acknowledgement of irreparable loss, which can be painful as compared to holding on and having the illusion that life can go back to how it was before the loss or traumatic event.

Each person will go through this process in his or her own way, but working with an a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience in helping clients to overcome these types of problems is usually more helpful than trying to do it on your own.

After someone acknowledges that the loss or event has caused a change, it's beneficial to look at how this loss or event is affecting you now and what you can do to change how it's have a negative effect.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario, based on many different cases, to understand how therapy can help.

Sandy
When Sandy was five, her father left the household to move in with another woman.

Prior to his moving out, Sandy heard her parents arguing at night about this other woman when they thought she was asleep.  Because of these arguments, Sandy feared that her father, whom she was very attached to, would leave.  So, when he actually left, her worst fear came true and she was very upset.

Not only did she feel that she lost her father, she also felt that she lost her mother too because her mother became depressed and withdrawn after Sandy's father moved out.  Sandy could see that her mother really tried to put on a brave face and tried to assure Sandy that everything would be okay.  But Sandy knew that her mother was devastated and things wouldn't be the same.

Her father came to see Sandy on the weekends.  He tried to seem cheerful and assure Sandy that he would always be there for her, but Sandy felt confused, angry and unhappy that he moved out.

Even though he tried to explain to Sandy that his leaving had nothing to do with her and that it was a problem that was between Sandy's mother and him, she couldn't understand why he wouldn't just move back in.  And, as is natural for children her age, she felt like it was her fault that he left, no matter how much he tried to reassure her.

Her father tried for a long time to repair his relationship with Sandy.  But by the time Sandy was a teenager, she still had a lot of anger and hurt, and she told him that she didn't want to see him anymore. At that point, her father gave up and told her that if she was ever ready to have a relationship with him again, she could call him.

Although she never realized it before she came to therapy, Sandy's experience with her father colored her adult experiences later on with men.

You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You in Therapy

By the time Sandy came to therapy, she was in her late 20s, and she couldn't understand why all of her relationships with men fell apart.

Her most recent relationship had just ended, and she was in despair, wanting to be in a loving relationship, but fearful of ever attempting to be in a relationship again (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Her ambivalence about men and relationships was evident almost from the beginning.  When her therapist asked her to describe her relationships with men, she said in a negative tone, "Oh, you know how men are…" and then she described a string of relationships where she ended up heart broken.

In each of these relationships, her boyfriend hurt her by either cheating on her or leaving her for someone else.

This had happened so many times to her that she believed that "all men are dogs."  And since she believed that all men were emotionally unreliable, she felt she was in a unsolvable dilemma because she wanted love, but she didn't believe it was possible because she feared she would always get hurt.

When someone has a propensity to choose emotionally unreliable romantic partners, it's often hard for him or her to see that there's an unconscious process going on in terms of choosing these unreliable people.

The fact that it's an unconscious process makes it difficult to see because, at least on a conscious level, most people want to make healthy choices in relationships.

As Sandy and her therapist explored these issues further, her therapist asked Sandy if she knew any women who were in happy relationships with men who are loving, kind and trustworthy.

Sandy named several of her friends who were in good relationships with kind, loving men.

As soon as Sandy said this, she surprised herself.  Even though she knew how she felt about men and she also knew that she had women friends who were in happy relationships with men, she never put the two "contradictory knowings" together.

When she thought about these two contradictory knowings at the same time, she realized that they couldn't both be true:  If her women friends were in good relationships with men that they were happy with, then all men can't be "dogs."

Rather than thinking that her feelings about men were objectively "true," she realized that her feelings were her own personal perceptions.

Then, she became curious as to why she had these longstanding negative feelings about men--not just about the men that she had been in relationships with, but about all men.

As her therapist worked with Sandy on this, Sandy realized that her perception of men was based on her early experience with her father and that, until now, this had been unconscious.

Shortly after that, Sandy told her therapist that she didn't understand how it would help her to work on this issue because she couldn't change the past.

In response, her therapist agreed that no amount of therapy could change the past, but they could work on changing how the past affected her.

Her therapist also discussed how early childhood trauma often gets unconsciously repeated later on in an adult's life.

Sandy gradually realized that she was unconsciously choosing men who were unreliable and who would be more likely to hurt her, so it wasn't about all men--it was about the men that she was choosing.

Over time, Sandy realized that her perspective about her father was based on her childhood feelings.

As a child, she had only a limited perspective about her father and his leaving.  As an adult, she could have a much broader perspective.

And, while, even as an adult, she didn't condone his infidelity, she understood that her parents' relationship was much more complex than she could have ever understood as a child (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Shortly after that, Sandy contacted her father.  He was genuinely remorseful for hurting Sandy when she was a child.  Over time, they were able to reconcile their relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy to Change the Effects of Unresolved Trauma

Sandy was able to make healthier choices about the men that she dated.  Eventually, she met a man that she loved and who loved and respected her, and he became her husband.

Conclusion:

• Many people avoid attending therapy because they believe that nothing in their life could change because they can't change the past.
• Even though no one can change the past, we can develop ways in therapy to change the way the effect of the past.
• Adult relationships are often based on earlier childhood experiences, both positive and negative.
• When an adult has unresolved childhood trauma, the trauma has an unconscious effect, especially when it comes to choosing partners for a romantic relationship.  
• People are often surprised to discover what a significant impact an unresolved childhood trauma can have.  
• Without therapy, many people spend their whole lives affected by an unresolved trauma.
• Without therapy, many people don't question their assumptions (similar to Sandy in the vignette above who really believed that all men were "dogs").
• Therapy can help clients to uncover the unconscious cause of current problems so that they can be free of their traumatic history.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling on your own with emotional problems, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to free themselves of their traumatic history so they could lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.