How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

In a prior article, The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution, I discussed how mind-body oriented therapies help to access solutions that are already in your unconscious mind.

These mind-body oriented therapies, which are also called known as Experiential Therapy, include: 

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) 

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy  (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

This is because these mind-body therapies provide a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Why Do Many People With Unresolved Trauma Have Problems Finding Solutions to Their Problems?

Here are some of the reasons why someone with unresolved trauma might have problems finding solutions to their problems:

• Ambivalence A person can really want to resolve their problems, but they might feel ambivalent. In other words, they have mixed feelings about it. A part of them wants to solve their problems, but another part of them might resist solutions for a variety of reasons, including fear and anxiety (see my article: Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

• Fear of the Unknown: Someone might have lived with a problem for a long time and they might be fearful what life might be like without their problem. They're accustomed to the problem and they fear the unknown (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

• Fear of Uncertainty: Related to fear of the unknown is fear of uncertainty. This is especially true if people have experienced overwhelming uncertainty which was traumatizing in the past. For instance, if they grew up with a lot of uncertainty as children, they might be especially fearful of uncertainty as adults (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Unresolved Trauma and Fear of Uncertainty

• Lack of Self Confidence: When someone lacks self confidence, they might doubt their ability to come up with possible solutions to their problems (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy).

• Shame: Many people who have unresolved trauma have a negative belief that they were to blame for their traumatic past. For instance, a person who experienced sexual abuse might have a distorted belief that they were responsible for the abuse. In many cases, their parents or other adults might have told them it was their fault. These distorted negative beliefs can create a lot of shame that has a negative impact on many areas, including problem solving. They might erroneously believe that any problem they have is their own fault, which can be emotionally paralyzing when it comes to decision making (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

• Problems With Emotional Regulation: The thought of making a change, even a change that could resolve their problems, can be anxiety provoking for someone with unresolved trauma. If someone has a problem regulating their emotions, they might have problems coping. This can make them feel stuck (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Lack of Trust: If someone has experienced trauma, they might not trust solutions that involve relying on other people. This is often because, in the past, they weren't able to rely on people who were supposed to be trustworthy. They might even mistrust themselves to make the right choices.

• Compensatory Aspects to the Problem: There are many examples of compensatory aspects to problems. For instance, a person might want to stop drinking because they know it's bad for their health, their partner is complaining about it, and they're also missing days from  work. But they might also like the way they feel when they drink. Drinking might give them "liquid courage" in social situations. So, on the one hand, they want to quit but, on the other hand, they want to continue to experience how they feel when they drink.

• Perfectionism: People who tend to be perfectionists often find flaws with any solution to their problems. In their effort to find a "perfect solution", no solution seems adequate, so they remain stuck in their problem (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

• Fear of Making a Mistake: Even if someone isn't a perfectionist, they might feel emotionally paralyzed to risk trying a solution to their problems if they are afraid of making a mistake. This type of fear is often learned early childhood either from parents who are themselves fearful of making mistakes and who discourage their children from taking any risks (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Unresolved Trauma and a Negative Bias: People who have unresolved trauma often fear they will be traumatized again so change is hard for them. People with a negative bias anticipate everything that could go wrong with possible solutions. They anticipate the worst and they don't want to experience the overwhelming emotions they experienced when they were traumatized in the past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control: People who have unresolved trauma  often have a need to control outcomes in their life--even things they know they can't control. So, taking risks makes them fearful and uncomfortable (see my article: The Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control).

• Family or Cultural Issues: Someone might feel pressure to remain stuck in their problem because they don't want to go against family, religious or cultural traditions. For instance, if someone is in an unhappy marriage, they might remain in the marriage to appease their family, religion or cultural group.

How to Overcome Problems With Change Related to Trauma

• Practice Self Compassion: Strive to avoid self criticism and have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that change is hard, especially if you have unresolved trauma (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Write in a Journal: Journaling can be a valuable tool to help you deal with your anxiety and fear.  Writing about your anxiety and fear can help you to gain insight and challenge your doubts (see my article: Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety.

• Practice Meditation and Breathing Exercises: Developing a meditation practice can help you to cope with anxiety and fear. Practicing breathing exercises can also help you to calm yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Meditation and Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Identify Triggers: Being able to identify triggers can help you to temporarily avoid people, places and things that might be too stressful for you to cope with at certain times in your life. It's a temporary solution until you get help in trauma therapy because you can't avoid situations that trigger you indefinitely. But until you get help in therapy, you can give yourself a temporary break while you're under a lot of stress (see my article: Coping With Trauma-Related Triggers).

• Restructure Your Distorted Negative Thoughts: Cognitive restructuring is a useful tool, especially if you have thoughts that tend to run away with themselves. When you restructure your thoughts, you look at your thoughts objectively and challenge the ones that are unrealistic (see my article: 5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts).

• Reframe Your Distorted Negative Perspective: Reframing your perspective is similar to restructuring your thoughts. Instead of believing the worst possible scenario, learn to look at the same problem from a different angle. You might be able to reframe problems in terms of possible positive outcomes (Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy: 

A skilled trauma therapist has advanced training in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

When you're considering a therapist, ask about their training, experience and background with regard to trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

4 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship

There are many ways unresolved trauma can create problems for you and your relationship, especially unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in a Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma Can Affect You and Your Relationship

4 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship

In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the following four problems:

• Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships

• Choosing an Unhealthy Partner

• Getting Triggered During Conflicts with Your Partner

• Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long

1. Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships

Your early childhood experiences have an important impact on your beliefs about yourself and about relationships in general.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family where life was chaotic and you felt unlovable and emotionally invalidated, you might have formed rigid and negative beliefs about yourself and relationships, including:

• "I don't deserve a loving partner."
• "No one will find me lovable."
• "All men are cheaters."
• "Women can't be trusted."
• "Men only want sex."

And so on.

You might also have a strong fear of rejection and abandonment based on your early experiences. In addition, you might even anticipate rejection and abandonment where these problems doesn't exist.

These rigid negative beliefs make it difficult to trust anyone so even though you might want to have a partner, you might also dread getting into a relationship (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

2. Choosing an Unhealthy Partner

If you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like because you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might not know how to choose someone who is right for you.

Consciously, you might tell yourself you want a relationship that's different from what you experienced growing up, but unconsciously you might gravitate towards partners who feel familiar to you. If what's familiar is dysfunction, that might be what you're drawn to when you're meeting a potential partner.

On an unconscious level, you might also be drawn to people who aren't interested in you because these types of situations activate a familiar longing in you from your childhood (see my article: Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship: Unrequited Love).

3. Getting Triggered During Conflicts in Your Relationship

If you have unresolved trauma, you can get easily triggered during an argument with your partner.  

Unresolved Trauma Can Get Triggered During Arguments

In the moment, you might not realize that you're stuck in a trauma response because you don't realize your unresolved trauma is getting triggered or, even if you're aware of it, you could find it hard to distinguish between your current emotions from past experiences (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Learning to Separate Past Traumatic Experiences From Now).

Even if you're in a healthy relationship, your old emotional wounds can get triggered from unresolved trauma. This can create a trauma response including:

• Fight: 
• Getting into a confrontation with your partner
• Blaming your partner for your problems, 
• Expressing criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Flight: 
• Avoiding problems
• Acting impulsively to ward off unpleasant emotions
• Running away from intimate or emotional situations (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

• Freeze: 
• Feeling helpless or hopeless
• Feeling unable to act
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (see my article: Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Unresolved Trauma).

• Fawn: 
• Engaging in people-pleasing behavior with your partner to ward off your unpleasant feelings to the detriment of your emotional needs (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response).

4. Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long

People who have unresolved trauma often develop an unhealthy tolerance for emotional abuse because it's familiar to them from their childhood and they don't realize they're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Even if you realize you're in an unhealthy relationship, you might feel this is all that you deserve and it's the best you can do because you feel so unworthy.  This is related to negative beliefs about yourself mentioned above.

You might also leave an unhealthy relationship, but you enter into a succession of unhealthy relationships after that because you haven't done the necessary psychological work to overcome your history of trauma that creates relationship problems for you.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy is different from regular talk therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy where you talk about your trauma, but you don't actually process the trauma with specific trauma therapy interventions, isn't as effective as Experiential Therapies like EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Somatic Experiencing or AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy).

See my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma.

Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to overcome trauma that keeps you stuck. 

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

What is Conflict Avoidance?

Although most people experience arguments and conflicts as stressful and uncomfortable, people who are conflict avoidant find it especially intolerable. They will often go to great lengths to avoid or end an argument rather than remain in it to try to find a resolution.  This is called conflict avoidance.

Conflict Avoidance in a Relationship

Although conflict avoidance is common in many relationships, this phenomenon is especially frustrating for the other partner because problems in the relationship don't get resolved and this is what often brings people into couples therapy.

People who are conflict avoiders often have an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

When a partner wants to talk about a problem in the relationship, the partner who wants to avoid conflict will typically act in one of the following ways to avoid dealing with the conflict or keep the argument from escalating:

• Apologize quickly, possibly without understanding what they're apologizing about or if they are even feel sorry

• Accommodate immediately, possibly without considering whether they really want to do it or can do it

• Agree without much thought as to whether they actually agree because they just want the conflict to be over

• Stonewall, which often means refusing to talk about the situation or walking out of the room to avoid the conflict (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

What Causes Conflict Avoidance?

People who are conflict avoidant get so uncomfortable with arguments or conflicts that they find it emotionally intolerable (see my article: Understanding the Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Externally they might appear to be calm or even indifferent, but someone who is conflict avoidant is usually experiencing a high degree of stress internally.

Conflict avoidance is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where arguments or family conflict was out of control.

Alternatively, the person who is conflict avoidant might have had some other traumatic incident that gets triggered whenever there is a current conflict.  This might have involved a prior relationship where there was rage or even violence.  Or it might be related to some other prior traumatic experience (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

Whatever the cause for conflict avoidance, this person will try to dodge conflict in whatever way they can.

What Are the Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Conflicts avoidance, even mild cases of it, is a serious issue.

The Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance

Not only does the conflict remain unresolved, but anger and resentment festers and grows.

The ongoing stress of conflict avoidance affects not only the couple but also their children who can sense there are problems below the surface that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Conflict avoidance can cause chronic stress which can result in stress-related health and mental health problems including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Digestive problems
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• High blood pressure
• Strokes
• Weight gain
• Memory and concentration impairment

What to Do If You Are Conflict Avoidant

There are steps you can take if you are conflict avoidant, including:

• Work Through Unresolved Trauma in Trauma Therapy: You can work through your unresolved trauma in individual therapy so it no longer gets triggered now (see my article: Working Through Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

• Learn to Tolerate Uncomfortable Emotions in Individual Therapy: You can learn to develop the capacity to deal with uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance For Uncomfortable Emotions).

• Work in Couples Therapy to Improve Communication in the Relationship: Developing good communication skills in your relationship is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Become More Emotionally Available in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Conflict avoidance is common.

People who are conflict avoidant often have prior unresolved trauma that gets triggered whenever there is an argument or conflict in their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Relationship).

The long term consequences of conflict avoidance includes ongoing problems that remain unresolved, resentments that build up, chronic stress and stress-related health and mental health problems as well as a negative emotional impact on the couples' children.  

Get Help in Therapy to Salvage Your Relationship

A relationship where there is conflict avoidance can be salvaged in individual and couples therapy if the couple doesn't wait too long to get help and if they're willing to do the work on their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

There are many misconceptions about emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is often described as negative and mislabeled as being "weak." But rather than being weak, vulnerability is actually a strength, which is the focus of this article (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship and Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

Before we delve into how emotional vulnerability is a strength in relationships, let's first define it.

Emotional vulnerability involves risk, uncertainty and exposing your emotions. 

You can experience emotional vulnerability when you try something new by going outside your comfort zone.  

Vulnerability is a natural part of personal growth (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Vulnerability is also inevitable.  In general, aside from relationships, you can't live your life without ever feeling emotionally vulnerable.

For instance, when you challenge yourself to take a public speaking class and it's your turn to go up in front of the class to give your talk, you can feel a rush of emotions, including fear, embarrassment, uncertainty and other difficult emotions.  But afterwards, you can feel proud that you did something difficult, and accomplished because you were able to give your talk in front of your classmates--despite your fear.

What is Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships?

Putting yourself out there for a potential relationship often feels risky because you're opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt.  Of course, you're also opening yourself to the possibility of experiencing love.  

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Even though being emotionally vulnerable can feel uncomfortable, it's the only way you can hope to find love in an intimate relationship.  

It's normal to feel somewhat scared when you open up emotionally to someone else. It takes courage to push through your fear to allow yourself to be vulnerable (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

In order to have what you want in terms of being in a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to take a chance.  

This doesn't mean you completely open your heart when you first meet someone.  Instead, it's a gradual opening over time as you get to know someone and feel more comfortable opening up more emotionally to that person (see my article: Intimate Relationships Provide You New Ways to Get to Know Yourself).

Tips on Being Vulnerable

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than berating yourself for your fear of being vulnerable, practice self compassion. Recognize that you're being brave when you allow yourself to open up to yourself and to someone you care about.

• Be in the Moment: Rather than focusing on what someone else might think or say, keep your thoughts in the present moment.  Rather than thinking about what might happen, just focus on now.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful in terms of helping you to develop the skill to be in the present moment.

• Don't Focus on Other People's Opinions of You: Other people are mostly focused on themselves. When you focus on how you think others will see you, you are often projecting your own negative feelings about yourself onto others. You also can't control what other people are thinking, so try not to worry about it.  

• Take a Breath to Calm Yourself: If you're feeling nervous, take a moment to focus on your breath and bring your attention to your body.  Slow down and don't allow negative thoughts to overtake you (see my article: Learning to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Share Your Feelings: When you have gotten to know someone and you care about them, sharing your feelings can deepen your relationship with them.  This can feel risky, especially if you're not sure if they care about you in the same way. But there's only one way to find out and that's by sharing your feelings. 

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

As I have mentioned in previous articles, emotional vulnerability is a pathway to greater emotional intimacy so that it's a definite strength in a relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Emotional vulnerability

• Allows you to be your authentic self
• Helps to build empathy between you and your significant other 
• Can take down the walls or defensive barriers between you and others
• Can give you confidence to be even more vulnerable
• Can encourage the other person to be emotionally vulnerable with you
• Helps you to connect with people who are accepting of you

Obstacles to Emotional Vulnerability

If you grew up in a family where it wasn't safe to express your emotions or you didn't see others expressing vulnerable emotions, you might have a particularly difficult time being vulnerable (see my article: Are You Afraid of Emotional Intimacy? and How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Unresolved trauma from the past, including childhood emotional neglect or abuse, might be getting in your way (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Creates Negative Expectations About the Future).

You might

• Not know what you really feel because you were discouraged from expressing emotions as a child and you didn't learn to identify your emotions
• Not have the words to express how you feel
• Think you have to express yourself "perfectly"
• Be so afraid of rejection that you feel emotionally paralyzed
• Catastrophize about all the things you imagine can go wrong to the point where you don't express yourself--even though you really want to do it
• Fear you'll be embarrassed by your feelings
• Become emotionally paralyzed by shame
• Numb yourself to your real feelings

Next Article

I'll focus on how you can overcome obstacles to emotional intimacy in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma specialist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.