Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

The common assumption is that people who cheat do it because they're unhappy in their relationship.  But according to an article by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, sex researcher and educator, as well as other relationship experts, many people who are happy in their relationship--including people are satisfied with the sex in their relationship--are committing infidelity (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

On the surface, this doesn't seem to add up:  Why should people in a happy relationship cheat if they love their partner and they're satisfied with their sex life? 

Dr. Lehmiller's article discusses a research study by the Florida State University and Northwestern University which was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology where 233 couples completed multiple surveys over a three and a half year period.  

According to Dr. Lehmiller, researchers were surprised to discover that the people who were happiest in their relationship were the ones who were most likely to cheat.  But why should this be?

Possible Theories as to Why People in a Happy Relationship Cheat (according to Dr. Lehmiller's article):

• People with the most positive attitudes towards sex are generally more interested in sex so they are most likely to cheat.  They place a high value on their sex life so that they have a strong need for sexual thrills, which is correlated with cheating.

• Researchers looked at whether or not there was a link between attractiveness and infidelity.  They found that, among women who were considered attractive, they were less likely to cheat.  But women who were considered less attractive were more likely to cheat.  For men, there seemed to be no correlation between their own attractiveness and cheating. But there was a link between how attractive they considered their partner.  Men were more likely to cheat if they considered their partner less attractive (see my article: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Other Theories as to Why People Cheat:

• Esther Perel, Ph.D., sex therapist and relationship expert, suggests that some people are going through a crisis of identity, which has nothing to do with their relationship.  Instead, it's related to their sense of self and a need for self discovery.  This is especially true during periods of transition, like a mid-life crisis (see: The State of Affairs by Dr. Perel).

• According to Dr. Perel, these people might want to see what it's like to break the rules for a change. In other words, transgression can be powerfully seductive (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

• Dr. Perel also indicates that people in committed relationships who cheat might also want to find out what it's like if they took a different path with a different partner.

• Dr. Perel also discovered in her work that many people want to feel a sense of aliveness and an affair makes them feel rejuvenated. 

• According to Dr. Arva Bensaheb (in Dr. Lehmiller's article) cheating is often a symptom of underlying anxiety for both men and women. Sex with other people temporarily relieves their anxiety, including an existential anxiety about death.  Under these circumstances, people in a happy relationship with a satisfying sex life would have problems remaining monogamous and would have multiple affairs as a maladaptive way to cope with anxiety.

I will continue to explore this topic in my next article.

Conclusion
People stray from their committed relationships for a variety of reasons.  Regardless of the reasons, the betrayal of infidelity can be devastating.  

In the midst of discovering the infidelity, the meaning of the infidelity can get lost due to grief and anger.  However, many couples salvage their relationship by working through these issues in individual and couples therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

In the meantime, if you're tempted to stray, you can save yourself and your partner a lot of heartache by seeking help in therapy (see my article: Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship After an Affair).

Working with a skilled therapist, you can discover the underlying reasons for your problem and make changes before you ruin your relationship.

If you're in a relationship where one or both of you have cheated, whether or not you decide to stay together,  you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples (see my article: After the Affair: Common Reactions to Infidelity).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Relationships: Fantasizing About Someone Else During Sex

Couples who are in a monogamous relationship make a commitment that they'll be emotionally and sexually committed exclusively to each other.  So, having sex with someone else is definitely outside of that commitment.  But what about having sexual fantasies about someone else during sex?  Is that harmful to the relationship? (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Fantasizing About Someone Else During Sex

When Do Sexual Fantasies About Someone Else Become a Problem?

Most sex therapists would agree that sexual fantasies about someone else is normal and natural.  In a study conducted by the Journal of Sex Research, 80% of women and 98% of men indicated that they had sexual fantasies about people other than their partner (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual fantasies, even when they're about someone else, can help to stimulate sexual arousal, especially in long term relationships when one or both people might not be in the mood to have sex at times.

These fantasies can be the kind of sexual psychological stimulation that can spice things up (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Sexual Psychological Stimulation).

Many couples, who talk openly about their sexual fantasies, get turned on when they share their fantasies.  They're able to distinguish thoughts from action and neither partner feels threatened by these fantasies.  However, it often depends on the fantasy (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

For instance, a wife might be comfortable hearing about a fantasy about an actress from a TV program--someone her husband will most likely never meet.  But hearing her husband's sexual fantasy about her best friend would probably be too close for comfort and not a fantasy that should be shared.

Sexual fantasies about someone else are neither good nor bad per se.  It all depends on how you're using these fantasies.  As previous stated, they can be used to spice things up, but spending too much time dwelling on them can get in the way of developing sexual intimacy with your partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Clinical Vignettes: Sexual Fantasies About Others

The following fictionalized scenarios illustrate the instances in which sexual fantasies can be helpful and when they can be harmful:

Scenario 1: Jill and Ed

Married for 15 years and in a monogamous relationship, Jill and Ed continued to enjoy a passionate sex life together.  

They communicated with each other about what they enjoyed sexually and found ways to keep their sex life passionate by being creative and open to new ideas, including sex toys, watching ethical pornography, and talking about their fantasies.  Part of discussing their fantasies was talking openly about their sexual attractions to TV and movie characters that they watched together.  

They both understood that neither of them had any intention of going outside their relationship to have sex with anyone else.  They used their fantasies about others to understand what these sexual attractions were about and how they could use them to spice up their sex life.  Sometimes, they used these fantasies to engage in sexual role playing, which they both enjoyed.  All of this enhanced their lovemaking and brought them closer together emotionally.

Scenario 2: Ann and Rob

Ann and Rob were in a tumultuous 15 year marriage with many ups and downs.  They frequently argued because Rob continued to live his life as if he were still single by "going out with the boys" often.

While he never cheated on Ann with other women, he would make plans with his friends to go out without consulting with her about plans she might have been interested in.  Although he would promise to change whenever Ann complained about it, he would break his promises regularly, which was disappointing and frustrating for Ann.  

This dynamic and the broken promises also eroded Ann's trust in Rob.  Over time, she became so angry and hurt that it also caused her to lose interest in having sex with Rob.  But sometimes, to appease him, she acquiesced to his sexual overtures.  During those times, she emotionally distanced herself from Rob by fantasizing about a former boyfriend while she and Rob were having sex.  

Rob could tell that Ann was emotionally removed and he would try to talk to her about it afterwards.  But Ann refused to talk about it so, over time, Rob and Ann grew apart and they each became increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship.  Eventually, they stopped having sex.  Instead, they each masturbated privately while thinking about other people.

Conclusion

Scenario 1 demonstrates how sexual fantasies about others can spice up a couple's sex life, especially because the couple is secure and they trust one another.  The fantasies help to get them in mood.  They also help them to be more creative in their lovemaking in terms of creating novelty and sexual excitement.

Scenario 2 illustrates how sexual fantasies about others can be used defensively to ward off emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner.  This couple have a lot of built up resentments that they haven't worked out.  Eventually, this led to a stalemate where they stop having sex and they're just co-existing in the same household.  

This couple could benefit from seeking help from in couples therapy where they can learn to talk about their problems, change their dynamics, and build back trust (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help sometimes.  This is especially true if you've reached a stalemate with your problems.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life. 

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

 

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

In my prior article, Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?, I began a discussion about a problem which is common in long term relationships.  My focus in this article is to continue with the clinical vignette presented in the previous article to show how couples therapy can be helpful.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

Jane and John:

To recap from the prior article: John and Jane, who were in their 50s and in a 15 year marriage, sought help in couples therapy to overcome problems with sexual boredom in their marriage (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

By the time they started couples therapy, their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing and Jane rarely had an orgasm with John, although she experienced orgasms without a problem in her prior relationships (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

At first, John was uncomfortable talking about their sex life (or about sex in general), but over time, he got comfortable and opened up (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

As part of the assessment, the couples therapist obtained information from each of them about their family of origin and sexual history, including their earliest sexual experiences.  

Jane's family had an open attitude with regard to talking about sex, which contrasted with John's more conservative background and his family's reticence to talk about sex.  Jane also had much more sexual experience than John, including experiences of having orgasms.  

In addition, Jane's desire to be more adventurous to spice up their sex life was also markedly different from John's reticence about using sex toys, watching porn, and so on.  However, they both agreed that they loved each other and they wanted to preserve their relationship.

Since John acknowledged that his libido had always been low, he couples therapist recommended that he see his medical doctor to rule out any physical problems.  The doctor informed John that his testosterone was low, so he prescribed medication for John, which increased his libido and how often he wanted to have sex with Jane.

During couples therapy, John and Jane learned that they had a particular dynamic in their relationship: Jane tended to be the pursuer and John tended to be the withdrawer.  Rather than blaming each other, their therapist encouraged them to focus on changing their dynamic (see my article: Relationships: How Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Improve Their Sex Life).

As a result, instead of Jane always being the one who sought sex in their relationship, John initiated more.  They also became curious about their limited sexual repertoire (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Each of them also learned more about their own and each other's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Brakes and Accelerators - Part 1 and Part 2).

John became more attuned to Jane's sexual pleasure so that she experienced more fulfilling sex, including orgasms (see my articles: The Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Gradually, John learned to be more open and adventurous in terms of both physical and psychological and physical sexual stimulation Sex Tips For Men to Be Better Partners to Women and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

As sex became more pleasurable for both of them, John and Jane each looked forward to having sex rather than approaching it with anxiety and foreboding as they had in the past.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT, has been proven to be an effective modality for relationship issues (see my article:  What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

If you're struggling with unresolved relationship issues, you could benefit from working with an EFT therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?

It's not unusual for one or both individuals in a long term relationship to feel bored with their sex life.  A recent survey of 653 adults cited in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that most people in long term relationships have experienced sexual boredom (see my articles: What is Good Sex? and Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship?).

What is Sexual Boredom?

What is Sexual Boredom?

About half of the respondents in the survey defined sexual boredom as sex being routine, monotonous and repetitive.  

Others indicated that sexual boredom resulted from sex feeling like an obligation in their relationship as opposed to being a pleasurable activity.

Other respondents said they experienced sexual boredom from being with the same sexual partner for a long time.  Other issues cited included low libido, difficulty reaching orgasm, and reduced sexual pleasure.  Some respondents also reported a decrease in sexual frequency and lack of affection or emotional connection with their long term partner.

The 3 Themes of Sexual Boredom

The survey cited three basic themes or factors regarding sexual boredom:

• Individual factors
• Interpersonal factors 
• Practice Related factors

Individual factors: 

• difficulty concentrating or being present during sex
• feeling sad during sex
• feeling indifferent about sex
• feeling tired

Interpersonal factors:

• feeling their partner was selfish during sex
• feeling their partner wasn't enjoying sex as much as they were

Practice-related factors:

• feeling bored due to a limited sexual repertoire in their relationship

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases (with no identifying information to preserve confidentiality) which illustrates a typical scenario:

John and Jane

When John and Jane began couples therapy, they were both in their early 50s and married for 15 years.  They had no children, and it was the second marriage for each of them (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Jane was the one who sought couples therapy because, even though she felt they had a loving marriage and they had no other major problems, she was concerned about their dwindling sex life.  

Although John was initially reluctant to attend couples therapy because he didn't think it would be helpful, as the therapy progressed, he saw the value in therapy and he became more of an active participant.  

Both of them told the couples therapist that they still loved the other and they wanted to repair their marriage.

During their initial session, Jane said that even though sex was never very passionate between them--not even during their two years of dating--she had hoped it would improve once they got married.  She said she felt disappointed that it had not improved and that it had become infrequent, boring and routine.

One of the reasons why she married John was because she knew he was "a good man" that she could trust, which was important to her after her experience with infidelity in her first marriage.  

However, over the years their sex life had dwindled down to just once or twice a year.  She said sex had become routine and boring to her, and she sensed that John was also bored, but he was reluctant to talk about it with her (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Jane felt their sexual repertoire was very limited.  In an effort to spice up their sex life, Jane suggested several years before that they try new things.  One thing she suggested was using sex toys, but John was unwilling because he felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about sex toys.  She also sensed he felt threatened and sexually diminished by the idea of using sex toys.  

John acknowledged to the couples therapist that he couldn't understand why they would need sex toys.  He said it made him feel like less than a man that his wife would want sex toys.  In response, the couples therapist said they would talk about this in future couples sessions.

Another thing Jane suggested was watching pornography, but John wasn't open to watching porn.  He told the couples therapist that he felt embarrassed watching other people having sex--even if it was only a video.

In general, Jane said, John had such difficulty talking about sex that she had all but given up trying to spice up their sex life.  But she also felt they were too young to give up.  She was close to tears when she told the couples therapist that she couldn't stand the idea that they might spend the rest of their lives together enduring boring sex or no sex.

The couples therapist met with John and Jane individually for a few sessions each to get their family and sexual histories.  She assured each of them that whatever they told her in these sessions was confidential and she wouldn't reveal to the other spouse what they told her without their permission.

It turned out that Jane came from an affluent liberal family where her parents were open to talking about sex.  Jane's mother talked to her about menstruation by the time Jane was eight years old.  She also gave Jane a book about sex when Jane was 12 years old and then discussed it with her afterwards.

John came from a struggling working class immigrant family with conservative values.  He said sex was a taboo subject in his family, and no one ever talked about it.  He said he grew up feeling confused about sex, and he knew he couldn't approach either of his parents to talk about it.  Eventually, he said, he learned what little he knew about sex at a young age from talking to his friends when he was about 13 years old.  

With regard to their individual sexual histories, prior to his first marriage, John had very limited sexual experience.  He said he didn't date at all when he was in high school because he was very shy.  He had his first experience with sexual intercourse after a night of drinking at a party when he was a sophomore in college.  He described it as "embarrassing" because he experienced premature sexual ejaculation, and the young woman he was with got angry with him. 

He also indicated that sex wasn't that important for him or his first wife during their five years of marriage. They divorced because they were constantly arguing about money.  From John's perspective, she was a spendthrift who had high credit card debt, and he was a saver with almost little debt.  As a result, they were never able to negotiate the financial part of their relationship.

Jane indicated that she was sexually active, in terms of kissing and touching sexually, from the time she was 15.  She had her first experience with sexual intercourse with her first boyfriend when she was 17.  They eventually drifted apart when they went to different colleges.  

She was sexually active with both men and women when she was in college, but she preferred men.  Eventually, she got married to a man she began dating in her senior year of college.  Initially, she was happy in her marriage and she felt they had a satisfying sex life.  However, in their third year of marriage, Jane discovered her husband was having an affair with a former girlfriend (see my article: Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

Even though she felt betrayed by her first husband, she forgave him and they tried to repair their marriage.  However, several months later, she discovered he was still having an affair with the same woman, and Jane filed for divorce.  

When the couples therapist met with John and Jane together, she told them she wanted to get a sense of how they typically interacted sexually as part of their couples therapy (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

When she asked them to describe the last time they had sex, neither of them could remember when the last time had been.  Jane thought it was about six months ago and John thought it might have been four months ago.

Jane said she was usually the one who initiated sex, although she had become more hesitant about it because she was tired of always being the initiator.  She also felt bored and frustrated that John wasn't open to trying new things, and she sensed that John was bored too--even though he never talked about it.

According to Jane, typically, they began by cuddling in bed while watching TV.  Then, if she felt sexually aroused, she reached over and massaged John's penis until he became erect. After they had intercourse, they both rolled over and went to sleep.

Early in their marriage, Jane said, they used to kiss and caress each other more before sexual intercourse, but during the last several years, they had intercourse without any foreplay or affection, and she missed those aspects of their sex life.  

Jane said that whenever they had sex John always had an orgasm. She said she used to have orgasms more regularly earlier in their marriage, but she rarely had an orgasm anymore.  Since John was so uncomfortable talking about sex, they didn't discuss that she experienced little pleasure during sex (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

At that point, as John listened to Jane, he looked embarrassed.  He apologized to Jane for being so inconsiderate, and Jane responded by reaching out and taking John's hand.  They both agreed they were committed to coming to weekly couples therapy sessions to improve their relationship.

My Next Article:

In my next article, I'll continue describing the next phase of couples therapy for these fictional characters, John and Jane, to show how couples therapy can help improve a couples' sex life (see my article: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual boredom is a common problem in many long term relationships due to many individual, relational and sexual practice related issues.

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with your problem.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?

Performative sex is goal-oriented sex that follows a script with a predefined role.  When sex is performative, instead of it being natural and enjoyable, it becomes a show or a performance (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming the Habit of Performative Sex

Sex often becomes performative when people are anxious, distracted or self conscious during sex.  When this happens, they're not attuned to themselves or their sex partner.  They're too worried about whether they're "doing it right" or if their body looks good, and how their partner sees them.  

Men often worry about their penis being too small and whether their penis will remain erect long enough to satisfy their partner.  

Women often worry about their body image--the size of their breasts and whether they're overweight.  Many women also worry about whether they'll have an orgasm and, if so, if they'll take so long that it will frustrate their partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Unfortunately, so many people get their sex education from pornography where both performers always look sexy, ready and able to achieve simultaneous orgasms with no foreplay.  But this is a performance--it's not real life.  

Performative sex can become a habit--even between two people who are in a long term, committed relationship.  Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this habit, as described below.

Focus on the Here and Now

• Focus on the present moment--not on the past or the future.

• Focus on being attuned to yourself and to your partner physically and emotionally.

• Practice synchronizing your breath to your partner's breath as one way to stay connected.

Communicate With Your Partner

• Ask your partner what they like if you're not sure (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Tell your partner what you like. 

• Make sure you have consent from your partner.  Don't assume you have consent--even if you've done the same things sexually many times before.  If you're not sure, ask.

Don't Feel Rejected If Your Partner Doesn't Like What You Like

• Recognize that everyone is different when it comes to what they like sexually.

• Be aware that if your partner doesn't like what you like, your partner isn't rejecting you so don't take it personally.  You might be able to work out a compromise or, if not, find something else that you both enjoy.

Don't Feel Compelled to Do Anything You Don't Want to Do

• Don't feel you have to do anything sexually that you don't feel comfortable doing.  

• Don't override your own feelings.  This is often a problem for women, who are socialized to be people pleasers, so they override their feelings to just "get through it" or to "get it over with."

• Recognize that when you override your feelings to do something you don't want to do, you're damaging your self esteem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many issues, including a history of abuse or trauma, can get in the way of having a satisfying sex life.

If you're struggling, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.