Helpful Tips on How to Make the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience (see my article: What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome challenges in your relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

To get the most out of couples therapy, it's important to understand that it's common to feel a certain amount of anxiety and ambivalence, especially if you don't know what to expect (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

To help reduce your anxiety, it's helpful to know how to approach couples therapy so you can get the most out of it. 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Couples can talk about a variety of issues (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Here are just a few of the issues that couples talk about in couples therapy:

• Communication problems

• Fear of intimacy
  

• Moving in together or getting married

• Sharing the mental load

• Infertility issues

• Grief and loss related to miscarriages

• Grief and loss due to the loss of a child

• Parenting issues

• Blended family issues

• Different perspectives about managing money

• Sexual issues

• Opening up your relationship to see other people (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

• Aging

• Infidelity
  

• Problems with in-laws

• Retirement issues

• Divorce and co-parenting

• Taking care of aging parents

• Other major issues 

What Are the Do's and Don'ts in Couples Therapy

Do's in Couples Therapy:

• Approach Couples Therapy With Curiosity and Openness: It's important to state your feelings openly and honestly to your partner and to the couples therapist in session.

• Talk About What You Want: Being able to tell your couples therapist and your partner what you want to get out of couples therapy will help to define your goals. You might even be surprised that your partner might have different goals and these differences might need to be negotiated.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Set Realistic Goals: Once you and your partner have agreed to what you want to get out of therapy, set realistic goals for the couples therapy. When you have goals, the couples therapy has direction and you can assess your progress. However, it's also important to know that progress in therapy isn't linear. This means that setbacks (where you take two steps forward and one step back) are a normal part of the process, so don't get discouraged (See my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Learner).

• Practice Active Listening in Your Sessions: Learning to actively listen to what your partner and your couples therapist say is an important part of couples therapy (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

• Practice the Skills You Learn in Couples Therapy Between Sessions: Use the skills you learn in couples therapy between sessions so you can continue to hone your skills in your daily life with your partner.  If you run into obstacles, talk about it at your next couples therapy session so you can continue to develop these skills.  There might also be some topics that you and your partner will only discuss in couples therapy sessions until you both develop the necessary skills to talk about these issues between sessions.

Don'ts in Couples Therapy:

• Don't Wait Too Long to Start Couples Therapy: Many couples wait until they're ready to end the relationship to get help. Getting into couples therapy becomes their "last ditch effort". By then, it's often too late. The sooner you get help the better.

• Don't Focus on "Fixing" Your Partner: Focus on what you want to change about yourself in the relationship instead of having the attitude that you're there to "fix" your partner.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Avoid Critical, Contemptuous or Defensive Behavior: You and your partner need to learn to approach your problems as a team rather than pointing fingers or blaming one another (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

• Avoid Trying to "Fix" Your Partner: You and your partner need to approach your problems like a team, as previously mentioned. Instead, focus on the areas where you can grow.  Couples usually have negative patterns that each partner contributes to in their dynamic. So, part of the work in couples therapy is for you and your partner to learn work together as a team to change the negative patterns.

• Avoid Contacting the Therapist Privately Without Your Partner's Knowledge: Most couples therapists do individual sessions to get family and relationship history. However, other than those individual sessions, avoid speaking, texting or emailing the therapist without your partner's knowledge because this can undermine the therapy.  The couple is the client in couples therapy--not the individuals in relationship. Contacting the therapist privately without the other partner's knowledge often occurs when one person is trying to get the couples therapist to align with them against the partner, which a skilled couples therapist will not do.

• Avoid Keeping Secrets From Your partner and Your Therapist: Most couples therapists will not keep an individual's secrets in couples therapy. Keeping secrets from the therapist or your partner will become an obstacle to progress in therapy. For instance, if you're having a secret affair, most couples therapist will not work with you and your partner because the affair would be undermining your relationship.

Conclusion

Couples therapy can be beneficial for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship.

You and your partner can learn to come together as a team in couples therapy to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

If you and your partner decide that it would be best to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you both to end the relationship as amicably as possible and come to an agreement about how to talk to your children about the end of the relationship and how to co-parent if these issues are applicable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

In my work as a couples therapist in New York City I work with many couples who struggle with emotional drama and chaos in their relationship (see my article: How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

What Are the Signs of Drama in a Relationship?

A couple might have all or some of the following signs:

• Constant arguments, bickering or fights

• A partner trying to control the relationship by claiming to be "right" all the time

• A partner constantly needing attention and validation from the other partner 

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• A partner who is self centered and selfish most of the time so everything is about them or what they want

• A partner who constantly twists reality, tries to make the other partner doubt their sanity or memory (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?)

• A partner who doesn't show interest in the other partner's concerns or well-being

• A partner who doesn't apologize or take responsibility for their actions

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates a couple struggling with drama in their relationship and how they were helped in couples therapy:

Sue and John

When Sue and John first started dating, they both felt their relationship could flourish and grow. But six months later, they were arguing a lot and breaking up every few weeks.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

They decided they either needed to seek help in couples therapy or go their separate ways so, rather than break up again, they sought help.

Over time, in couples therapy they learned how unresolved trauma from both of their childhoods was getting played out in their relationship.

Sue's parents were emotionally neglectful of her and so in her relationship with John, she sought constant attention and validation from him in a highly agitated state--to the point where he felt she was emotionally exhausting him. Sue realized in couples therapy she was re-enacting unresolved childhood trauma in her relationship with John.

John was raised by a single mother who was highly anxious most of the time. She looked to him, when he was a child, for validation and attention. This heavy emotional burden was more than he could endure as a child. As a result, he learned to ignore her and fend for himself. In couples therapy he recognized that he was doing this to Sue too without realizing it.

Learn to Break the Negative Cycle in Couples Therapy

Their negative dynamic was the source of many of their arguments until they learned, over time, in couples therapy to identify their negative cycle so they could break their negative cycle.

How to Stop Drama in Your Relationship

• Learn to develop healthy communication skills

• Learn to address and work through unresolved trauma in individual therapy

• Learn how to identify and manage your emotions

• Set realistic expectations for the relationship

Get Help in Couples Therapy

It can be challenging to change unhealthy relationship patterns on your own.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have attempted to work through your problems without success, consider seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify and break the negative cycle in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples - EFT? ).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I want to focus on the relationship needs of mature women because I believe women's needs change over the course of their lifetime.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I also want to emphasize from the start that mature women (and women in general) are not a monolithic group who all want the same things, so I don't presume to speak for all women.

What I'm writing about is based on what women have told me over the past 25 years in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City.

What Does It Mean to Be Mature?

Different people might have varying definitions of what defines maturity.

From my perspective, being mature is not the same as being older. There are people who are older and who aren't mature.

Being mature, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or other identifying factors, includes (but is not limited to) the following characteristics:

• Honesty and Integrity Honesty and integrity is the basis for trust, which is essential for all relationships. This is why it's valued in relationships.

• Self Awareness: Being mature includes being emotionally and psychologically self aware, learning from past experiences and having a desire not to repeat old negative patterns.

• Respect: A mature individual respects others' perspectives even when they don't agree.

• Adaptability: Being able to adapt and change is part of being a mature person.

• Consideration and Discernment: Mature individuals are able to think and make decisions based on careful consideration using discernment skills.

• Balanced Personality: A mature person has developed a balanced personality. They can use their life experiences to learn and grow.

• Responsibility For Their Actions: Rather than making excuses for their behavior, mature individuals take responsibility for their actions and make amends, if needed and appropriate.

• Differentiate Self From Others: As people mature, they learn to differentiate themselves as individuals from their family, partners or friends. They have developed their own likes, dislikes, goals and dreams which may or may not be the same as their loved ones, but they feel confident in being an individual--even when it means being different from others.

• Emotionally Self Regulation: Although everyone has their moments of upset and overwhelm, a mature person can usually regulate their emotions and they are on an even keel most of the time. They have developed coping skills that allows them to regulate their emotions (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Empathetic: Although a mature person might not agree with someone else, they're able to feel empathy for others rather than being self centered.

• Emotional Vulnerability: A mature person is able to be emotionally vulnerable with loved ones because they understand that emotional vulnerability leads to greater emotional intimacy (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship).

• Openness to Sharing Feelings: Along with an ability to be emotionally vulnerable, a mature person has the ability to be emotionally open to share feelings.

• An Ability to Develop and Form Relationships: A mature individual has the ability to develop relationships among family members, romantic connections, friendships and work relationships. A mature person can also use their discernment skills to assess when certain relationships, including family relationships and friendships, might not be healthy for them.

• Healthy Boundaries With Others: A mature person feels secure enough to develop healthy boundaries with others (see my article:  Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

I'm sure you might be able to think of other characteristics of a mature person, but I think the ones listed above are among the most important ones.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Mature women who want to be in a monogamous relationship usually want a partner who is also mature and who has the characteristics listed above.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Many confident mature women who want a monogamous relationship can be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner because they've been in other relationships and they know from experience what that they want and what they don't want. 

They also usually aware that time is precious and they don't want to waste their time with someone who doesn't have the characteristics they're looking for in a partner.

In addition, they also value: 

• An Evolved Personality: Most women want someone whose personality has evolved with their life experiences and who knows what they want or who, at least, is actively exploring this.

• Attentiveness: They want someone who is curious about their life, their interests and things that are important to them.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

• Emotional Attunement: They want someone who is emotionally attuned to them and who is an active listener.

• Emotional Validation: Even if their partner doesn't agree with them about an issue, mature women want someone who can validate their feelings. In other words, their partner might not have the same perspective, but they have the ability to be empathetic towards their feelings (see my article: How to Develop Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

• Interdependence: Many mature women also want a partner who has the ability to be interdependent as opposed to being codependent (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Autonomy and Personal Growth: Mature women often want someone who respects their autonomy and encourages their personal growth (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Can These Qualities Be Developed?

Many of these qualities can be developed over time. 

So, it's up to the individual people to decide if they see enough of the qualities in their partner to be happy with what already exists.  

However, many mature women want these qualities from the start because they know what they want and want someone who is developed in these ways.

Conclusion

Many of the qualities mentioned in this article are wanted by many people.

As previously mentioned, I think most mature women, regardless of age, are at a point in their lives where they know what they want in a partner.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

No relationship is perfect and many of the issues raised in this article are topics that are discussed in couples therapy (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Couples Therapy Can Help

If you and your partner are struggling, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to work through problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing, and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).

Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and  psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:

• Making little or no effort in the relationship

• Withdrawing attention

• Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy

• Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).

What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:

• A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.

• Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.

• Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

• Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.

• Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.

• Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?

Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.

When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.

Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.

Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.

Why Do These Couples Stay Together?

There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.

There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.

A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children. 

In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Cathy and Jim

Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.

They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.

Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child.  But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.

She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.

By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.

As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.

As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.

Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.

Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.

Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).

He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.

Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.

Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.

Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.

How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?

Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:

• Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
• Do you have realistic expectations?

• Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?

• Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?

• Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.

• Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.

Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.

If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Real Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship

What does it mean when an Emotionally Focused couples therapist says, "The problem isn't the problem. The problem is the negative cycle"? 

    See my articles: 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

The Problem is the Negative Cycle

Most couples have disagreements from time to time, but when a couple is stuck in a repeating pattern of negative behavior, the original disagreement becomes secondary to the negative cycle.

The negative cycle, which is a repeating pattern of negative behavior, perpetuates the problem and makes it harder to resolve.

What Are the Key Aspects of the Negative Cycle?

Here are some of the key aspects of the negative cycle in a relationship:

• Repeating Patterns: A negative cycle in a relationship involves a pattern of interactions between the couple that lead to further conflict or distance in the relationship including:

• Problems with communication
• Unhealthy emotional responses
• Unhealthy behavior

• A Negative Cycle That Reinforces Itself: When a negative cycle reinforces itself, one person's behavior triggers a negative response from the other person, which causes the other partner to become more reactive. This creates a negative cycle which is difficult to break.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

• Looking Beyond the Surface: Although the initial issue might seem like the main problem, the real problem is the negative cycle the couple is stuck in. The negative cycle is usually the main obstacle for couples who want to overcome their problems.

How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Help Couples to Overcome Their Negative Cycle?

EFT therapists work with couples to help them by: 

• Working with the couple to identify the negative cycle that is the obstacle to overcoming their problems

• Helping clients to recognize that emotions influence patterns of behavior

• Helping clients to understand how to use emotions to create the changes they want

• Helping clients to look below the surface to understand their positive needs underneath the negative cycle

• Helping clients to interrupt the negative cycle until they can learn to change the cycle

• Teaching clients how to engage in active listening so they can understand and respond empathically instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)

• Helping clients to understand their attachment wounds and vulnerabilities that are underneath the negative cycle

• Helping clients to see how they engage or disengage with each other

• Helping clients to change the negative cycle so they can develop a secure attachment in their relationship

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality) that illustrates how EFT Couples Therapy can help a couple who are stuck in their negative cycle:

Ann and Bill

Ann and Bill sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) because they were constantly arguing about household chores and they were unable to work out their differences.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

When the arguments initially began several years before, they would come together fairly quickly to apologize to each other, but they never worked out their differences.

Over time, resentment built up between them and it was becoming increasingly difficult to communicate after one of their arguments.

Ann felt Bill should take on more responsibilities in the household because she assumed the mental load for both of them and their teenage children. She kept track of doctors' appointments, the children's after school activities, the couple's social calendar and so on.

Ann tended to suppress her anger and resentment until she was fed up and then she would explode in anger. Bill reacted by ignoring Ann and going into his home office to calm down. But Ann interpreted Bill's behavior as stonewalling.

When Ann felt Bill withdraw by stonewalling her, she felt hurt and angry, which also made her even more adamant to make him talk to her. So, she would pursue him when he went up to his home office and demand that he talk to her.  But the more she demanded this of him, the more he shutdown emotionally, which made her even more adamant.

This was all part of their negative cycle: She would suppress her emotions. Then, she would have an angry outburst. He would feel overwhelmed by her anger and he would shut down emotionally, which served to exacerbate her anger. And the cycle went on and on until they were both emotionally exhausted.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify their negative cycle and, over time, they learned how to interrupt the cycle. Gradually, over time, they learned how to break the cycle.

Once they were able to break the negative cycle, they were able to talk calmly about the original problem, household chores. 

When they didn't have to contend with their negative cycle, they found it much easier to compromise about household chores.

Conclusion

Most couples don't know about the concept of the negative cycle.  Needless to say, they also don't know about their particular cycle.

Couples can learn in EFT couples therapy to break the negative cycle.

Breaking the negative cycle allows each person in the relationship to listen and communicate more effectively. 

They can also learn how to negotiate their original problems without getting stuck in their former cycle.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are having problems you have unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Learning to break the negative cycle in your relationship could be one of the best things you do to improve your relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.