Posts
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| Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS |
I really like this book and recommend it to couples I work with because it has excellent information about couples dynamics, it's written in an accessible way and Ms. Menanno's theoretical orientation for couples therapy is the same as mine--Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT).
In fact, she and I were taught by the same two senior trainers, Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, and George Faller, a long-time EFT trainer and couples therapist.
Understanding Your Relationship Through the Lens of the Attachment Behavioral System
Ms. Menanno provides valuable information about attachment theory as well as practical information about how to understand attachment styles (see my articles about attachment styles below).
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| Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS |
What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS)?
According to Ms. Menanno most couples' problems can be sorted out into four categories and knowing which areas you and your partner are struggling with can help you to know where to focus your attention:
- Comfort
- Connection
- Cooperation
- Conflict
Let's take a look at each of these components of the ABS:
- Comfort: This category focuses on how well you and your partner provide each other with comfort when one of you seeks comfort or emotional support. She distinguishes comfort from advice giving or trying to "fix" the problem. It also focuses on how well you can manage your emotions while you're comforting your partner.
- Example: Your partner comes home from a visit to her mother's house and she tells you she feels down because her mother criticized her throughout the visit. This has been an ongoing pattern since your partner was a young child. Your partner tells you she needs your emotional support. Do you 1) attune to your partner's feelings and engage in active listening while empathizing with your partner's experience or 2) do you give your partner advice about how to handle the criticism the next time she visits her mother? If your partner has clearly stated she needs your emotional support. the correct answer is 1).
- Connection: Connection refers to the emotional and physical/sexual connection you and your partner experience with each other. Connection involves emotional vulnerability. Emotional connection also involves having fun together.
- Example: When you talk to your partner about your day, do you 1) talk about the details of your day without expressing how you feel about what happened or 2) do you express your emotional vulnerability by discussing how you were emotionally impacted by what happened? For you and your partner to feel connected with each other, you need to express your emotional vulnerability or you will just be providing the mundane details of your day and you won't be connecting with your partner in a meaningful way. So, 2) is the better way to go.
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| Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS |
- Cooperation: Teamwork is the essence of this category. This includes how well you and your partner are emotionally supportive with one another and how you manage your daily life. Examples of managing your daily life include sharing the mental load, handling housework, taking care of finances, parenting, managing personal family relationships as well as in-laws (see my articles: Feeling Stuck in the Middle: How to Deal What to Do If Your Spouse and Your Parents Don't Get Along and Dealing With Difficult In-Laws).
- Example: You and your partner divide up the housework and sharing in managing finances. You also divide up the mental load by sharing in remembering and buying gifts for family members' birthdays and anniversaries. Even though you're better at managing interpersonal relationships, you and your partner have made a decision that he will manage the relationship with your mother-in-law because she responds better to him than she does to you.
- Conflict: How well do you and your partner handle disagreements when you're not doing well with the other categories (comfort, connection and cooperation)? Are you both able to manage your emotions or do you get stuck in the "Blame Game" where you're hurling accusations at each other? Are you able to maintain respect for each other during an argument or do you get stuck in the same negative cycle over and over again?
- Example: You and your partner tend to argue about money. You're a saver and he tends to be a spender. Even though you both maintain your own bank accounts with a third account for shared expenses, you keep telling your partner you could both be saving more for retirement if he would curb his spending. When you tell him that, he feels like you're trying to control him. You argue until you're both exhausted. Then, you each retreat and, after a few hours, you're speaking to each other again. Nothing gets repaired. Instead, resentment builds as these unresovled arguments continue to pile up without resolutions.
Conclusion
Looking through the relational lense of the 4 Cs (comfort, connection, cooperation and conflict) is one way to look at your relationship to understand the positive aspects of your relationship as well as the areas that need attention.
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| Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS |
When you look at the 4 Cs in your relationship, you and your partner can appreciate the positive aspects and work on repairing the aspects that need improvement.
Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
If you recognize problem areas that you and your partner have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples (see my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship).
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| Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy |
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a EFT licensed mental health professional who can help you and your partner to work through the relationship issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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