Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need for emotional connection is a universal need for both men and women.  But many men are only comfortable having their emotional needs met through sexual activity (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and The Thrill of the Sexual Chase).  

At the root of this problem is our culture, which gives men the message, either implicitly or explicitly, "Be a man! Don't ask a woman for love and affection! Get her in bed instead!" So, when we consider the enormous pressure society places on men to suppress their emotional needs, is it any wonder that many men can only get their emotional needs met through sex?  

Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need to attach emotionally is a core need that all babies experience from birth.  In fact, this need is so essential that babies wouldn't survive if they couldn't form an emotional attachment with their mothers (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships). 

The need for emotional attachment continues throughout the life cycle from cradle to grave.  So, when men suppress these needs, there are negative consequences, including experiencing shame, depression and anxiety.

While it's true that sex and physical touch can lead to emotional intimacy, the problem arises when it's the only way an individual can seek closeness with a partner.  

In addition, when men can only channel their emotional needs through sex, this creates problems in  relationships with women because women often misunderstand these men, and they think, "He doesn't love me. He's only interested in me for sex," when, in reality, he might really love her.  The problem is that he just doesn't know how to express it in any other way--except through sex.

Common Examples of Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

Here are some common examples:

• Reducing Sadness:  Ted often feels sad, but when he was growing up, he was told by his parents that he needs to be "strong" and it's a sign of weakness when a man expresses sadness.  So, instead of expressing his feelings, Ted disconnects from his sadness by chasing women and hooking up with as many women as he can to experience the comfort of physical touch.  The dopamine release he gets from having sex gives him relief from his sadness temporarily.  But since he only gets a temporary reprieve from his sad feelings, he continues to pursue sex again and again whenever he can't suppress his sadness.

• Reducing Anxiety: John feels overwhelmed by his anxiety, but he doesn't want to appear "weak" by letting anyone know he's anxious.  Instead, he tries to reduce his anxiety by pursuing frequent sexual encounters.  These sexual encounters help to relieve his anxiety for a while, but since the it's only a temporary fix, he continues to pursue sexual activity in order to quell his anxiety.

• Overcoming Loneliness: Mark feels lonely and isolated, but he was raised to believe that "a real man" doesn't feel lonely--much less admit to anyone that he feels this way.  So, rather than seeking emotional connection or talking about his loneliness, he seeks comfort from his loneliness in frequent one night stands.  The physical touch he experiences in these hook ups gives him comfort for a time, but after a while his feelings of loneliness come to the surface again and the only way he knows how to deal with his feelings is through sex.  So, he engages in many one night stands obsessively.

• Seeking Sex Instead of Affection: Alex has been in a monogamous relationship with Jane for a year.  She frequently complains that the only time Alex allows her to get close to him is when they're having sex.  She would like to spend time cuddling and being affectionate with him when they're at home, but whenever she tries to get close to him, he stiffens up and gets defensive. Jane complains to Alex that she feels he doesn't really love her--she thinks he only wants to have sex with her. She tells him that she feels "used" by him.  Whenever Jane tells him this, Alex doesn't know what to say.  He loves Jane, but he doesn't know how to tell her how uncomfortable he feels with physical affection outside of the bedroom.

• Attempting to Repair Arguments With Sex: Bill and Alice have been married for two years.  They have frequent arguments about ongoing unresolved problems.  Whenever Alice tries to get Bill to talk about their problems, she feels disappointed and abandoned because Bill walks away from her.  The more Alice attempts to get Bill to talk, the more emotionally distant he becomes. And the more distant he becomes, the angrier and more frustrated Alice becomes.  After a while, Bill will approach Alice sexually as a way to repair their argument because this is the only way he knows how to reconnect with her.  But Alice is still angry and she's not in the mood for sex.  Whenever Bill approaches her in this way, Alice feels even angrier because she thinks he wants to avoid dealing with their problems by trying to be sexual.  Bill, in turn, feels Alice doesn't understand him.  He loves her and he just wants to get close to her in bed, but since she turns him down at these times, he doesn't know what else to do.

The scenarios outlined above are only a few examples of men who can only get their emotional needs met through sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Experiencing your full range of core emotions--including anger, sadness, joy, disgust, and sexual excitement is a universal need.

If you're suppressing your core emotions--with the exception of sexual excitement--you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome these problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of their core emotions so that they could lead healthier and happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support

There is a Swedish proverb that says, "Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."  This proverb reminds us that we're hardwired for attachment with others, including sharing our joy and sorrow with people who are close to us, and that joy and sorrow are affected in a positive way by the emotional support that we receive (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support

Sharing joy is usually easier for most people than sharing sorrow.  Many people think that if they share their sadness, they will be judged critically by others.

Often, this is because they were judged harshly in their family of origin, and they received the message from an early age that no one wants to hear about their sadness.

As a result, they learn to pretend to be happy when they're not, they keep their sadness to themselves and don't receive the emotional support that they need (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Be Happy When You're Not).

Clinical Vignette: Feeling Uncomfortable Sharing Sadness With Loved Ones
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted, illustrates how difficult it can be to share sadness as an adult when, as a child, someone is told that he isn't entitled to feel sad:

Tom
After going through a series of significant losses, including the breakup of a relationship and the loss of a close friend who moved away, Tom decided to start therapy because he felt overwhelmed by sadness, which he didn't understand.

After his psychotherapist heard from Tom about his losses and normalized his sadness, Tom told her that he still couldn't understand why he felt so sad.  He told her that he knew several other people who were going through more difficult problems than he was, and he felt it was "selfish" to feel sad, "Why should I feel sad when so many other people have it much worse than I do?"

Since she had a lot of experience working with clients who didn't think they were entitled to feel sadness, his psychotherapist asked Tom to tell her how his parents handled his sadness when he was a child.

Tom responded, "I stopped trying to get comfort from my parents when I was sad after my father told me when I was five that he would give me something to really feel sad about if I didn't stop saying that I was feeling sad" (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Tom explained to his therapist that both of his parents had been through many serious hardships when they were children and they grew up to be "stoic" people ("They didn't believe in feeling sad.  They just believed that, rather than dwelling on your sadness, you needed to do whatever you could to resolve your problems, and that was the end of it").

When his therapist asked Tom if he sought emotional support from his close friends when he was feeling down, he said that it would never occur to him to talk about his sadness--except in therapy--and even then, he usually looked for "a solution" rather than dwelling on his sadness in therapy.

As he thought about it, Tom said that his girlfriend ended their relationship because she didn't like that he couldn't express his sadness to her.  He said that she told him that it bothered her that, after three years, he still wasn't comfortable confiding in her when he was sad.  She also said that it made her feel uncomfortable to share her own sadness, so she ended the relationship.

Before coming to therapy, Tom told his therapist, he tried to "find solutions" to overcome his sadness, but nothing worked, and this confused him.

In response, his therapist provided Tom with psychoeducation about why it's important to share emotions, including sadness, with people who are part of his emotional support system (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Over time, Tom was able to see that he held himself to a much harsher standard than he did for his close friends.  He had no problems listening to his friends when they were sad, but he didn't feel entitled going to them with his sadness.

He began to understand in therapy that his experiences with his parents affected how he related to friends and romantic partners.  He also began to see that he felt much more emotionally vulnerable sharing his sadness with loved ones.

Gradually, Tom learned to allow himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with his close friends. Several months later, when he entered into a new relationship, he began to open up more to express his sadness so that he would be more emotionally authentic with his girlfriend.

As he received positive feedback and emotional support from his friends and girlfriend, Tom felt more comfortable opening up more to express the sadness that he never felt entitled to before.

He also realized that when he shared his sorrow with people close to him, he had such a sense of relief because his sadness diminished as he shared it.

Conclusion
Early childhood emotional experiences often affect adult relationships.

If a child receives a message from his parents over and over again that expressing sadness isn't acceptable, this child will grow up to be an adult that has problems expressing sadness.

Since emotional support is important for our overall well-being, when someone has problems expressing sadness, he doesn't experience the emotional relief that comes with getting emotional support.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being unable to express certain emotions, like sadness, is more common than most people think.

Well meaning parents, who have problems feeling their own sadness, can unwittingly create emotional problems for their children by not allowing them to express their full range of emotions.

Most experienced psychotherapists, especially trauma therapists, have experience helping clients to overcome feelings that they're not entitled to express certain emotions.

Working through this problem is usually a big relief for most clients because it allows them to ask for and receive emotional support from loved ones when they need it.

If you're having problems asking for emotional support, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist, who can help you to overcome this problem.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma so they can feel and express their full range of emotions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

Developmental trauma occurs over time starting in childhood (as compared to shock trauma, which is usually an event).  Developmental trauma can occur when young children learn who they are from their parents, who might value certain aspects of the child and not others.  

According to Philip Bromberg in his book, Awakening the Dreamer: Clinical Journeys, the aspects of the child that are not validated by the parents, become dissociated "not me" parts of the self and the parts that are valued become, "This is who I am."

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

According to Bromberg, one of the reasons that developmental trauma is significant is that it shapes the child's core self through the attachment patterns that the child develops with the primary caregiver.

In order for the child to maintain a sense of core self as s/he matures, s/he has to preserve the early attachment patterns with the primary caregiver, which includes the aspects of self that were validated to the exclusion of the aspects that weren't.  This pattern continues as the child becomes an adult and  forms new relationships with significant others later in life.

When adults, who have a history of developmental trauma, come to therapy, they often have no awareness of the aspects of themselves that are dissociated due to the early invalidation in their attachment pattern with the primary caregiver.

When they were children, not only did they have to do what the primary caregiver needed them to do, they also had to be who the caregiver needed them to be with regard to the aspects that the caregiver validated.

To help these individuals to become more self reflective and aware that they're continuing to be who their primary caretaker needed them to be and that aspects of themselves have been sacrificed, the therapist helps these clients to see themselves within the enactments in therapy (for more about enactments, see my articles: Mutual Enactments Between the Psychotherapist and the Client in Psychotherapy and Why Your Psychotherapist Can't Be Your Best Friend).

With the increased awareness that develops in psychotherapy, these clients can learn to distinguish "This is who I am" from "This is what I do."

Being able to make this distinction is crucial for these clients to be able to make the changes in themselves that they're hoping to make.

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates these concepts:

Fictional Vignette:  Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do:"

Ted
Ted came to therapy because he was having problems in his relationship with his wife.

Initially, Ted told his therapist that his issues as communication problems with his wife.  He said they frequently argued about money, and his wife saw him as a tightwad.  Although he acknowledged that he could be overly thrifty at times and he wanted to salvage his marriage, he saw his thriftiness as, "This is who I am" and he saw no way to change it.

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

It became apparent, as the therapist listened to his early history, that Ted's mother was also thrifty and she encouraged Ted to do everything he could to save his money.  He told the therapist that his mother praised him for being parsimonious and told him, "You're just like me," which pleased Ted very much as a child.

He also told his therapist a story about how he bought flowers for his third grade teacher with birthday money that he saved.  He loved his teacher and he was thrilled to see how happy she was when he gave her the flowers.

But when he got home and told his mother about it, she scolded him for "wasting" his money.  She told him, "Saving your money is important."

Ted told many similar childhood stories where he was initially elated to give a gift to someone and then he felt ashamed when his mother scolded him and refused to talk to him for the rest of the day when she found out that he used his money to give a gift to someone.

Ted learned early on that if he wanted to remain in his mother's good graces, he would have to conform to her way of thinking.

As an adult, Ted felt he learned a valuable lesson from his mother when he was a child.  But now his wife was complaining because he had such a hard time spending money even when it came to giving birthday gifts to his wife.

Although Ted understood somewhat why his wife was upset, he told his therapist, "My wife wants to change me, but she just doesn't understand that this is who I am."

He was concerned because his wife's birthday was coming up and he was sure that she wanted a gift from him.  He wanted to "keep the peace," so he planned to get her a gift, but he felt he was going against a basic part of himself in order to do it.

His therapist suggested that Ted buy his wife a gift and they could talk about how he felt afterwards.

A week after Ted gave his wife the gift, he came to his therapy session looking upset.  He told his therapist that, even though it was against his basic sense of self, he bought his wife something that she had been hinting about, a makeup mirror in the shape of a shell.  She was so happy that she threw her arms around Ted and kissed him, but Ted felt miserable for going against his sense of self.

Ted's therapist explored Ted's feelings about giving his wife this gift that she really wanted, and Ted told his therapist that he felt he disappointed his mother--even though his mother had been dead for more than 10 years, "My mother would have been angry with me if she was still alive and, even though she's been gone for several years, I feel like I let her down."

Ted's therapist tried to help Ted to remember how he felt as a child when he gave his teacher the flowers and he saw how happy she was.  Ted remembered that he felt happy, but he couldn't separate out this part of the memory from how unhappy his mother was afterwards.

He recalled other childhood memories when he wanted a certain toy or picture book, and his mother discouraged him from having them.  She told him that it would be a waste of money.  After a while, Ted stopped allowing himself from even wanting these things.

Looking back on those memories, Ted knew that his family was upper middle class, so his mother could well afford to buy him these things, so he wondered why his mother discouraged him from wanting toys or books, "At first, it made me feel sad, but then I learned to do without them and not want them any more."

His therapist noted to herself that this was the first time that Ted reflected on his mother's dynamics and how it affected him.

Gradually, over time, Ted became more self reflective and he began to make the distinction between who he is as a person and his behavior.  He realized that, when he was a child, he was too afraid to go against his mother's wishes because she would ignore him when she was displeased.

Resolving Developmental Trauma in Therapy: "This is What I Do and I Can Change."

More importantly, Ted realized in therapy that he was still trying to hold onto his mother's love by behaving the way she wanted him to behave.  It was his way of holding onto her even though she was gone.

As his therapy progressed, Ted realized that he no longer had to behave in a way that would honor the memory of his mother.  And, as he came to terms with this, other aspects of himself that were invalidated by his mother, came alive.

Not only was he more generous with his wife, but he also allowed himself to want and have things again, which was liberating for him.

Conclusion
When aspects of children are invalidated by their primary caregiver, children learn to disavow these aspects.  This is part of developmental trauma.

On an unconscious level, children dissociate these aspects in order to maintain the attachment with the caregiver, which is essential to children's sense of well-being.

This disavowal comes at a great cost to children as they grow up unconsciously dissociating parts of themselves to maintain the attachment.

Children who learn to maintain only the aspects of themselves that are validated by their caregiver and disavow the aspects that are invalidated continue this pattern as adults and believe, "This is who I am."  This makes change difficult for them because they believe that their behavior is intrinsic to who they are.

Developing the necessary self awareness to realize that who they think they are is really not an intrinsic part of themselves and it's really their behavior is usually a gradual process in therapy.

Being able to separate out "who I am" from "what I do" can be a freeing experience because it allows the true self to emerge (see my article:  Becoming Your True Self).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems changing because you believe that your problematic behavior is part of who you are, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Self awareness is the first step in making changes

Developing the necessary awareness and insight into ingrained problems is often a gradual process, and a skilled mental health professional can help you in your journey (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my other articles about Psychotherapy.

Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated

Healthy emotional development is based on parental attunement and secure attachment. 

See my articles: 

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

When children grow up in a family where a chronic lack of attunement and their feelings are invalidated, they often grow up feeling invisible as children as well as feeling invisible later on as adults.

Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated

By "invisible" I mean feeling left out, unlovable, excluded, unimportant, ignored, and passed over.

Many of these same children, who grew up feeling invisible and emotionally invalidated in their families continue to feel that way as adults.  They grow up with negative core beliefs about themselves, including:  "I'm not important," "I'm unlovable,""I'm powerless" and so on (see my article:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Without realizing it, many people with these core beliefs perpetuate the problem by withdrawing emotionally if they are in a social situation.  

People around them will often think they are picking up social cues that they're not approachable, so they hesitate to connect with them.

Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated

This often becomes a cycle where people with negative core beliefs eventually avoid social situations because they don't realize that people around them are reading into their facial expressions and overall demeanor that they want to be left alone.

To make matters even more complicated, people with negative core beliefs about themselves are often ambivalent about whether they want to be approached or not.

There is usually a part of them that craves social connection and another part that is fearful of it based on their experiences of feeling rejected from an early age.

See my articles:  

Untreated Emotional Trauma Can Have Serious Emotional Consequences

An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love

This can leave these individuals feeling lonely, on the one hand, but afraid of making social connections on the other hand (see my article:  Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

When the loneliness is greater than the fear, people with negative core beliefs about themselves often seek help in therapy.  

It's a brave step for these individuals, who expect to be rejected and abandoned, to seek help in therapy.  If their own parents couldn't provide them with the emotional attunement and validation that they needed, it's hard to believe that a psychotherapist, who starts out as a stranger, would do it.

For many people in this situation, it's a last ditch effort to turn around a lonely, unhappy life, and if they've never been in therapy before, they're taking a leap of faith that they can make themselves emotionally vulnerable in therapy (see my article: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario to illustrate some of these issues and to see how these problems can be overcome in therapy:

Pam

Pam came to therapy when she was in her early 30s.

She thought about seeking help in therapy since she was in her early 20s, but her fear of being disappointed and emotionally abandoned by a therapist kept her from seeking help.  

What precipitated her coming to therapy was that her last close friend, who wasn't married, had gotten engaged and she was preoccupied with her fiancé and her wedding plans to the extent that she spent less time with Pam.  This made Pam feel very lonely, and she realized that if she didn't overcome her fear of being rejected and abandoned that she would ensure that she would be alone for the rest of her life.  

The fear of being alone for the rest of her adult life was greater than her fear of being disappointed and emotionally abandoned in therapy, so she obtained a referral from her doctor and set an appointment.

Pam was intelligent and she had a lot of insight into her negative beliefs about herself and how these beliefs developed from a young age.

Even though she could see where her problems began and how they were affecting her as an adult, she had little faith that anything, including therapy, could make a difference for her.  But she didn't know what else to do so, at the recommendation of her doctor and her close friends, she kept the appointment.

She was very apprehensive while she sat in the therapist's reception area waiting for the initial consultation. She was tempted to get up and leave, but before she knew it, the therapist came in to the reception area to get her (see my article:  Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

The therapist started the session by asking Pam what brought her to this consultation and what she hoped to get out of therapy.  Pam knew the therapist was going to ask her this, but when she attempted to speak, she felt overcome with sadness and shame and choked back tears in order to speak.

Seeing that Pam was having a hard time, the therapist told Pam to take her time. She helped Pam to feel more comfortable by normalizing her experience and telling her that many people feel uncomfortable during the initial consultation, so Pam's reaction wasn't unusual.

Pam took a deep breath and spoke about how afraid she was that she would be alone in life.  She had three close friends, all of whom were either married or engaged and this precipitated an emotional crisis for Pam.  

Even though she was happy for her friends, she couldn't help comparing herself to them and feeling like she was coming up short because she had never been in a serious relationship before.  Worse still, her friends weren't as available to her as when they were all single.  All of this combined to make Pam feel anxious that she would be alone and lonely for the rest of her life.

Even though she was lonely and wanted very much to be in a relationship, she was also afraid of getting hurt and disappointed.  This made it difficult for her to put herself in social situations or to sign on to social dating sites to meet men.

She told the therapist that she was seeking help because she knew she couldn't overcome her ambivalence on her own and, even though it was difficult to believe that therapy could help, there was a part of her that wanted to give it a chance.

Pam sensed that the therapist was listening to her attentively and compassionately, which helped her to express her feelings, even though it was still difficult.

Towards the end of the session, the therapist explained how she worked in a contemporary way and that it was important to her that her clients feel emotionally safe before they began processing their innermost feelings.

She explained that, for some people, it takes time to build a strong therapeutic alliance with the therapist and that this was crucial to doing the work.

She also explained how the mind-body connection was important to the way that she worked (see my article:  (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

After the first session, Pam realized that she felt a little better.  She felt relieved to finally put her feelings into words and speak with someone who was compassionate and seemed to understand her.

See my articles:  

The Creation of the Holding Environment in Therapy

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For Clients

During the next session, Pam spoke about her family history, including growing up with parents who were preoccupied with their own lives and who often dismissed Pam's early childhood emotional needs as being "childish." 

There was no recognition that what Pam wanted and needed was what any child needed--to feel their loving attention and emotional attunement.  Instead, they invalidated her feelings to the point where Pam grew up questioning whether her feelings were valid or even real. She often felt invisible to her parents and to others and that her feelings weren't important.

As an only child, Pam spent much of her time at home alone while her parents were focused on work projects.  To cope with her loneliness, she often lost herself in imaginary games and stories where she had many brothers and sisters to play with and a fairy godmother who anticipated all of her needs.

This was a creative attempt for a small child, but it was no substitute for having nurturing parents.

Being shy and feeling badly about herself made it difficult for her to make friends.  Fortunately, there were outgoing students in her classes who saw Pam's kindness and intelligence and who went out of their way to befriend her.

When she was in college, she dated a few men, but these relationships never lasted more than a few months.  Most of the young men that she dated had similar traits to her parents, self involved and lacking in empathy, so these relationships were unsatisfying to Pam.

Three young women in college befriended Pam, and Pam remained friends with them after they graduated.  Over time, Pam realized how much these friends cared about her and how much she cared about them.  She valued these friendships and they were like the sisters that she never had.

But, over time, as each woman got into a serious relationship, they had less time for Pam.  She still saw them and spoke to them by phone, but it wasn't the same.  As mentioned earlier, after the last remaining single friend got engaged, Pam feared that she would be alone.

Pam's therapist validated her feelings, which was a relief to Pam.  But there was also a part of her that felt she was being "childish" and making too big a deal out of these things.

When she told the therapist that this is how part of her felt, her therapist recognized that this part of Pam was speaking to Pam in Pam's mother's voice, the voice that Pam had internalized from childhood (see my articles: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are and Overcoming the Internal Critic).

The therapist spoke to Pam about how traumatic it was for a young child to have to fend for herself emotionally and the impact that this had on Pam's adult life.

She spoke to Pam about doing EMDR therapy to process the trauma and helping Pam to develop the necessary coping skills before processing began (see my articles:  How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain.

Pam was feeling increasingly more comfortable with her therapist and she felt ready to work on coping skills, which is called resourcing in EMDR (see my article:  Coping Strategies in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy).

But there was still a part of her that was ambivalent and fearful about trusting the therapist and allowing herself to be emotionally vulnerable.

When she spoke to her therapist about this, her therapist helped Pam to understand that even though this part might seem "negative" to Pam, this part was actually attempting to be protective.

They mutually decided that it was important to work with this part first to address the fears and help this part to feel comfortable.  

Pam's therapist explained that the preparation work would be gradual to help Pam to develop the skills she needed to work on the trauma.  Her therapist wanted Pam to have these necessary skills so that she would have the wherewithal to deal with whatever came up when they processed the trauma of growing up with parents who were unable to give Pam what she needed emotionally.

Pam didn't mind that the preparation work was gradual because, along the way, she was seeing progress in her ability to talk about feelings that she had buried as a child.

By the time Pam was ready to do EMDR, she focused on an early memory of feeling alone and lonely as a young child (see my articles: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma History From an Adult Perspective).

As Pam processed this memory with EMDR, initially, she couldn't believe that she could ever feel better about it.  Pam and her therapist focused on same memory for a few months because there were so many related experiences.  

As she continued to do EMDR therapy, Pam noticed that she felt less upset about the memory and, in general, she was feeling better about herself.

Working Through Emotional Trauma With EMDR Therapy

The work was not easy or quick because the feeling of being invisible and unlovable as a child was so pervasive throughout her childhood.  But, gradually, the trauma was processed and worked through (see my articles:Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, Pam felt more confident in herself and she began socializing more.  Unlike how she felt for most of her life, she now felt that she not only wanted to be in a relationship but she deserved to be with someone who loved her and treated her well.

Eventually, Pam met someone whom she loved and who loved her very much.

Conclusion

Healthy emotional development is predicated on developing a secure attachment with emotionally attuned parents.

When a child grows up with parents who are dismissive of their feelings and when there are no other mitigating factors (e.g., a loving grandparent, aunt or uncle), the child's emotional needs often become unbearable for her to contain.  

This often results in a child burying their feelings because it becomes too hurtful to continue to have unmet emotional needs.

Children who have unmet emotional needs usually grow up to be adults who feel unworthy of love.  This makes it difficult for them to form relationships with others.

Under these circumstances, adults often feel lonely and want social connections, but they are also very afraid of being rejected.  This ambivalence gets played out in an internal tug of war within the adult of wanting and yet dreading love.

As in the fictionalized scenario about Pam, these individuals are often afraid to come to therapy because they fear making themselves emotionally vulnerable in therapy.  This is understandable because if your own parents couldn't be attuned to your needs, why would you think that a stranger (the therapist) would be?

Often, when the fear of being alone for the rest of their lives is greater than the fear of trusting a therapist, these individuals come to therapy, albeit with much trepidation.

A skilled therapist can help these clients to develop the necessary therapeutic alliance so they can begin preparing to process the early trauma.

The preparation stage in any trauma therapy is crucial.  To jump into processing the trauma before the client has developed the necessary skills to do the work can be retraumatizing.

Talk therapy is often of limited help when it comes to processing these types of early trauma.  Clients will become knowledgeable about the source of their trauma, but often nothing changes.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, is more effective in helping clients to overcome psychological trauma, whether it is a one-time trauma or pervasive developmental trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

People with pervasive childhood trauma take a leap of faith when they come to therapy.

Often, they don't know what to expect or if they will feel better or worse by coming to therapy.

It's a good idea to consider the first session to be a consultation to talk about your problem in a broad way and to ask the therapist questions.

You might feel that you want to rush into processing your traumatic experiences, but a skilled therapist will first help you to develop the necessary skills to do the work so that the work isn't retraumatizing.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from an experienced trauma therapist who can help you to work through your unresolved problems so you can live a happier, more fulfilling life (see my articles:  The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping adult clients to overcome traumatic experiences that are having a negative impact on their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

In two prior articles, Perfection vs. Good Enough and Overcoming Perfectionism, I address perfectionism and it's relationship to anxiety.  In this article, I will address the connection between perfectionism and core shame, which develops in early childhood.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

What is Core Shame?
Let's first start by defining core shame.

First, it's important to understand that core shame is different from an appropriate sense of shame, which is adaptive.  An adaptive sense of shame helps children as well as adults learn to behave in ways that are essential to emotional learning.

So, for instance, if a child hits a playmate in anger and he realizes that his action hurt his playmate, he will most likely feel an appropriate sense of shame and remorse about his behavior.  This is part of his emotional learning that his behavior has consequences and the shame is a signal to him that this is not the way to behave.

The shame that he feels is about his behavior and it will help him to learn how to interact with others when he feels angry.  If there are adults to help him, they will teach him that he can do other things that are healthier for himself and other ways to express his anger.

Core shame is a pervasive sense of worthlessness.  There is also usually a fear that others will see that you're worthless and a "fraud" (see my article:  Overcoming Impostor Syndrome).

As opposed to healthy shame, which is about behavior, core shame is feeling ashamed of who you are as a person.

Core shame often results in a strong need to be "perfect," which, of course, is impossible because we're all imperfect as human beings (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

People who feel core shame often feel like they're unlovable and they will be abandoned by others (see my articles: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Feeling unlovable and having a fear of abandonment often result in self perpetuating life events.  So, for instance, people who feel unlovable and who fear abandonment, often shy away from relationships or behave in ways that alienate others.  Often, if they do chose to be in a relationship, they will unconsciously choose romantic partners who are unreliable and who will abandon them.

How Does Core Shame Develop and How Is It Connected to Perfectionism?
As I mentioned earlier, core shame develops at a very early age.

When attachment and bonding go well, babies develop a sense of secure attachment.  But when mothers are unable to provide a secure sense of attachment, usually because they didn't internalize a secure attachment with their mothers, infants will eventually develop insecure attachment which will have repercussions for them as young children and as adults.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

One of the repercussions of insecure attachment is core shame.

Since young children are naturally egocentric, they believe that if their mother is neglectful or abusive towards them, it must be their own fault.  They don't understand that their mother's misattunement is due to the mother's problems.  They're too young to understand that their basic emotional needs aren't being met.  Instead, they believe that, as children, they're unlovable and worthless.

These feelings of being unlovable and worthless develop into an unconscious need to be "perfect."  If this unconscious belief could speak, it would say something like, "I know that I'm unlovable and worthless, but maybe if I'm perfect, people will love me.  So, I must do everything that I can do to be perfect."

This is a very simple explanation to how core shame develops.  A more comprehensive explanation would include the how attachment develops and the various forms of insecure attachment (see my article:  The Impact of the Early Attachment Bond).

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the relationship between core shame and perfectionism and how these problems can be overcome in psychotherapy:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame: A Clinical Example.

Getting Help in Therapy
Core shame and perfectionism are common problems that many people struggle with throughout their lives.

If you're struggling with these issues, you can overcome them in therapy with an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in these areas.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional so that lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome core shame.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 2

In my Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about the effect of growing up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder.  In this article, I'm continuing the discussion with a fictionalized scenario as an example of this dynamic.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder, which I defined in the prior article, is a disorder that is a catchall for many similar traits, including chaotic relationships, unpredictable emotional reactions, a fear of abandonment, and a strong ambivalence about close relationships, including a longing for closeness at the same time as the person with this disorder experiences a fear of being rejected, hurt or abandoned.

As I mentioned in the prior article, there are some people who don't necessarily meet the full criteria for borderline personality disorder diagnosis, but they have certain borderline traits.

As I also mentioned in Part 1 of this topic, even though a primary caregiver (usually the mother) might have borderline personality disorder and this usually has a detrimental effect on a child, if a child is lucky, there can be mitigating factors, like other close relationships (another loving parent, a loving sibling, a nurturing grandparent, caring teacher or mentor, concerned coach or so on) that can help to temper the detrimental effect.

We also know now that, due to the neuroplasticity of the brain (the ability of the brain to change), even when there's no one in the child's life to help mitigate the effect or the child doesn't have a particularly resilient nature, as an an adult, s/he is often helped later on in life by having a loving, secure relationship or by getting help in therapy.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is composed of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how someone who had a parent with borderline personality disorder can be affected as a child and later on as an adult.

Keep in mind that this scenario is only one possible result of this dynamic and there can be many other results.

Karen
Karen's mother, Alice, gave birth to Karen when Alice was only 16.

Alice lived with her single mother, Betty, and Alice's six siblings.  When Betty found out that Alice was pregnant, she became enraged.  She hit her, cursed at her and called her "a whore."

Alice dropped out of high school after her pregnancy became more obvious, and she hoped, eventually, to get her GED.

Alice was confused and had mixed feelings about her pregnancy.  She had some resentful towards her unborn child because she knew her life would be changed forever.  Instead of going to parties with her friends, she knew she would be home taking care of the baby.

At the same time, she didn't want to have an abortion because it was against her and her family's religious beliefs.  So, she grudgingly accepted that she made a mistake and baby was her responsibility.

The baby's father, who was also only 16, was sent away by his parents to live out of state, so Alice was completely dependent upon her mother during her pregnancy and after Karen was born.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

In the meantime, she and her mother were both reliant on public assistance to get by, and life was tough.

When her friends went out, Alice felt left out and lonely because she had to stay home and take care of Karen.  On the one hand, Alice loved Karen.  But, on the other hand, she also resented her because she wanted to be a normal 17 year old by going out and having fun.

Alice also had a lot of resentment towards her mother, Betty, for her verbal abuse and they would often argue.

Even though Alice told herself that she would never treat her daughter, Karen, the way that her mother treated her, she had no awareness of how she (like most children) internalized this dynamic on an unconscious level.  And, as Karen got older, without realizing it, Alice was just as verbally abusive with Karen just as her mother was with her.

Karen grew up to be an anxious child.  As a four year old, she never knew when Alice would fly off the handle and scream at her or slap her.  There were times when Alice would be sweet to Karen and then, for a minor issue (like Karen dropping an ice cream cone) Alice would explode and startle Karen.

Alice had several boyfriends during Karen's childhood.  She had very chaotic on-again/off-again relationships with men.  Karen would start to get close to whomever Alice was seeing at the time, and then he was gone.  This was significant losses for Karen.

Whenever Alice went through a breakup, she became depressed and angry and she would drink a lot.  Without realizing how damaging it was, while, drunk and upset, Alice would tell Karen that men were "no good."

Alice Became Depressed and Angry Whenever She Went Through a Breakup

Karen was very anxious and she wished that she could do something to help her mother.

During one particularly bad breakup, Alice made a suicide attempt by taking a handful of sleeping pills.  Betty called 911 and Alice was rushed to the ER.  Alice was kept in the hospital for observation for 72 hours and, after she assured the psychiatrist that she wasn't going to hurt herself or anyone else, she was released.

While Alice was in the hospital, Betty refused to talk about it with Karen.  She tried to distract her with books and TV, but Karen knew that something was wrong and not knowing made her feel scared.

Alice, Betty and Karen had to attend family counseling after the hospital contacted the bureau of child  welfare.

Things improved for a while during this time.  After they completed family therapy, the counselor recommended that Alice attend individual therapy, but Alice refused and her case was closed.  Then, things went downhill again.

When Karen's elementary school teachers told Alice that Karen was an anxious child, despite their assurances that they were not criticizing her, Alice took their comments personally and felt they were saying that she was a bad mother.  Alice got very angry and moved her to another school.

When Karen was 11, Alice got her GED and got a job where she could support them, so she moved out of Betty's household.  At first, things seemed to be going well.  Alice and the landlady became friends.

But several months later, when the landlady made a comment about Alice not recycling properly, Alice became enraged and moved back in with her Betty until she found another apartment.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

Throughout Karen's childhood, she and her mother moved numerous times because of the arguments that Alice would have with the landlords.  Each time that this happened Alice would uproot Karen from  the neighborhood, her school and the few friends that Karen made.

When Karen went to junior high school, one of her teachers saw something special in Karen and took Karen under her wing.  She spent time with Karen as part of the after school program, helped her with her homework, and took an interest in her.  She encouraged and motivated Karen.  She also gave Karen a sense of hope about the future--something that Karen never had before.

Gradually, Karen came out of her emotional shell and began to enjoy her talks with her teacher.  She never told her mother about this relationship because she was afraid that her mother would get angry and try to come between her and the teacher.

By the time Karen was in high school, she dreamed of going away to college and being on her own.  She worked hard, got good grades and, despite the chaos at home, she was able to go to the college of her choice out of state with a scholarship.

Karen did well in college.  She made friends and dated casually.  She felt happier than she had ever felt.

Growing Up With a Parent With Borderline Personality Disorder

Then, in her last year of college, her relationship with a young man, Dan, at college began getting serious and she felt anxious and scared.

Even though she knew she cared about him and he cared about her, the anxiety and emotional vulnerability that she experienced was so overwhelming that, at times, she wanted to end the relationship just to avoid feeling these emotions.

Karen knew that she needed to get psychological help or she would ruin her relationship with Dan.

In my next article, I'll continue discussing this scenario and how Karen was helped in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder can be traumatic, but working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to free yourself from emotional trauma so you can go on to live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

If you're struggling as an adult with the impact of childhood trauma, you're not alone.  Rather than continuing to struggle alone, take steps to contact a licensed therapist who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 3

he Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 1

In a prior article,  Coping With a Spouse Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, I discussed the challenges of living with a spouse who has borderline personality disorder.  It is one of the most popular articles on my blog site.  In this article, I'm focusing on the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Before we go further, let's define borderline personality disorder.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, self image and emotions.

It is also characterized by impulsivity beginning by early adulthood with five or more of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• a pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between idealization and devaluation
• an unstable self image or sense of self
• impulsivity, including self harm, overspending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats or self mutilation
• highly reactive and unpredictable mood 

As I mentioned above, for someone to be diagnosed with borderline personality, s/he doesn't have to have all of the above traits--they only need to have five or more.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Even when someone doesn't meet the full criteria for borderline personality, a person can have significant borderline personality traits.

How Does Borderline Personality Disorder Affect Attachment Between the Primary Caregiver and a Child?

A loving bond between a primary caretaker (let's assume for this article that it's the mother) and an infant is crucial for the healthy physical and emotional development of the infant.

There's no such thing as a "perfect bond" between mothers and infants.

The bond between most infants and their mother tends to be "good enough" so that the infants develop a secure attachment (see my article:  Early Bonding Between Mother and Infant).

Secure Attachment Between Mother and Child

A secure attachment generally develops if the mother is receptive to the infant by engaging in caregiving responses like touching, holding and soothing as well as being emotionally in sync with the infant.

As part of healthy, secure attachment, there is a reciprocal relationship between the infant and the mother as they each respond to each other emotionally and physically.

However, infants who are raised with a mother who has borderline personality disorder tend to develop insecure attachment.

As opposed to secure attachments, mothers with borderline personality disorder tend to develop unresolved, preoccupied and fearful attachments with their children.

With insecure (unresolved, preoccupied and fearful) attachment, the person with borderline personality longs for closeness but is also fearful of dependency and rejection at the same time.  T

his ambivalence is communicated to the infant on an unconscious level and it is detrimental to the infant's healthy physical and emotional development.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

For the mother with borderline personality the vacillation between longing and fearing emotional intimacy is an emotional dilemma (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

The infant who is raised by a mother with borderline personality disorder experiences unpredictable emotions, including unpredictable rage.

A mother with borderline personality disorder might also be emotionally and physically abusive with the infant or neglectful.

Children who grow up under these circumstances often have difficulty developing trusting relationships  as children and as adults due to the unpredictable nature of their early childhood experiences.

The negative affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder can be mitigated by the loving presence of another adult, like the other parent, an older sibling, a grandparent and so on (more about this in a future article).

In Part 2 of this article, I will continue discussing the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

Getting Help in Therapy
You don't need to be psychotherapist to know that growing up in an emotionally unpredictable and chaotic home has a profound effect on you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who grew up with one or both parents who had borderline personality disorder, fear that they will develop similar dynamics with their children or in their adult relationships, even though they don't want to do this (see my article:  Discovering That You Developed the Same Traits You Didn't Like in Your Parents).

As I will discuss in a future article, the emotional effects of growing up in chaotic and abusive or neglectful household can be overcome in therapy if you work with a licensed mental health professional who understands these dynamics and knows how to help people to overcome them.

It's often hard for people who grew up in unpredictable households to trust coming to therapy, but for those who get psychological help with an experienced therapist, they can learn to live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality - Part 2