Understanding Why An Emotional Block Might Be Preventing You From Crying

If you have ever felt like your tears of sadness are "stuck", you know the frustration of feeling an emotional block (also known as emotional numbing). This often happens when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and enters into a self-protective "freeze" response.

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response

You might feel the intense pressure of a lump in your throat, but your mind perceives this type crying as a potential threat to your emotional survival and safety. This "freeze" response is known as a trauma response. 

What Are the Reasons Why Your Tears Might Feel "Stuck"?

• Your Nervous System "Freeze" Response: When you experience prolonged stress or intense trauma, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can become overloaded. Instead of triggering a fight-or-flight response, your body reacts with a survival mechanism called dissociation (also known as a dorsal vagal shutdown).  Your brain reduces the intensity of your emotions to protect you from being overwhelmed by them. This response acts like a "circuit breaker" that cuts off power to your tear ducts (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?)

Trauma Responses: The Freeze Response 

• Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: Crying is an active biological process that requires emotional energy. If you have been trying to "hold it together" for months or even years, your emotional reserves can become depleted. The sadness is there, but your body might not have the stamina to release the tears.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

• Unconscious Conditioning and Safety Walls: If you grew up in a household where there were rules that you shouldn't cry or you were punished for showing emotional vulnerability, these experiences can teach your brain to suppress tears. If you might ahve been given the message that you had to be "independent" when you were a child so you had to keep your emotions suppressed. In addition, forcing yourself to "power through" can leave you with no room to pause, soften, feel your feelings and cry.  

Being Scolded For Crying as a Child?

• Mental Health Conditions: Even though depression is usually associated with sadness, it frequently shows up as emotional blunting or anhedonia. This can make you experience your feelings as "flat" which makes tears inaccessible.

How to Safely Release Blocked Emotions in Experiential Therapy

You can't force an emotional release by trying to force yourself to cry because when you put that kind of pressure on yourself, your nervous system tightens up even more. In order for you release pent up emotions, you need to have a sense of safety so your body can gently release the emotions.

When you are dealing with "stuck" emotions, traditional talk therapy can be too much of an intellectual process that keeps you in your head. You might gain intellectual insight into your problems, but you don't get an emotional release.

The most effective therapies for processing trauma and releasing "stuck" emotions are mind-body oriented therapies, also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective For Healing Trauma Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

The following are some of the main types of Experiential Therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE was developed by Dr. Peter Levine. SE treats emotional numbness as trapped survival energy from past stress or trauma. An SE therapist helps you to slow down so you can track subtle sensations (warmth, tingling, tightness) rather than asking you to only talk about what you're experiencing. By slowly introducing small amounts of "stuck" energy at a time (a process called "titration" in SE), your nervous system gently "thaws out" of its freeze response without becoming overwhelmed (see my article:  What Are the Benefits of SE to Heal Trauma?).

Somatic Experiencing Therapy

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): While EMDR is usually associated with the bilateral stimulation process it uses, it is deeply rooted in how the body stores distressing memories. During the processing phase of EMDR, you focus on a particular memory or, if you are stuck in a freeze response, you focus on the physical feeling of numbness and where you feel it in the body. Then you follow either a physical or tactile bilateral stimulus. EMDR can help you to process "stuck" emotional information. Over time, this can lead to a somatic discharge like crying or a deep sense of physical relief when your body and mind feel safe enough to do it (see my article: How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work Therapy: In IFS an inability to cry due to a trauma-related freeze response is viewed as a protective strategy rather than a "broken" emotional system.  From an IFS perspective, this freeze response shields you from being overwhelmed by grief, fear or overwhelming sadness. In traditional psychotherapy the freeze response is often viewed as a symptom to eliminate, but in IFS the freeze response is appreciated as a protective aspect of the client. An IFS therapist uses the process called "unblending" to help the client to step away from the freeze response so that they can access Core Self, which is a part that is compassionate and curious to get to the underlying emotional wound that the emotional numbing protects (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy).

IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP): An AEDP therapist treats the freeze response with a safe relational environment that gently helps to "thaw out" the nervous system. One of AEDP's primary goals is to "undo aloneness" where the therapist uses attachment-oriented affirmation ("I am here with you" or "We are doing this together") to build a secure base. When the brain registers true relational safety, the nervous system naturally begins to release it's survival-driven emotional numbing. The AEDP therapist also uses moment-to-moment tracking of the client's somatic cues. She will bring awareness to these somatic cues ("I notice that your jaw seems tight" or "I notice that your breath seems shallow. Can we slow down so we can see what's happening there?" Similar to IFS, AEDP recognizes that emotional numbing was once an adaptive defense when it wasn't possible to express emotions. So, she helps the client to process the emotional numbing. When the client begins to "thaw" from the emotional numbing, the therapist shares the emotional burden, validating the client's feelings and keeping the client anchored within their "window of tolerance" so that this energy can be discharged in a way that is manageable for the client (see my article: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal Trauma?).

What Are the Benefits of Integrating Experiential Therapies Like EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE?

When an Experiential Therapist integrates EMDR, IFS, AEDP and SE (or any combination of these therapies), it means she is practicing an integrative trauma-informed "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Rather than using an intellectual top-down approach of talking about trauma conceptually, as would be done in traditional psychotherapy, the Experiential Therapist targets how trauma is held in the mind and in the nervous system. 

By using a combination of Experiential Therapy, the trauma therapist builds a complete plan that addresses the cognitive, emotional, relational and physical layers of your trauma. 

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

Whereas traditional psychotherapy is a "top down" approach, Experiential Therapies are a  "bottom up" approach to healing trauma.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

The bottom-up approach of Experiential Therapy is often more effective than a top-down approach because because trauma, intense anxiety and emotional stress are stored in the lower brain regions and the autonomic nervous system which rational thoughts and traditional talk therapy cannot access.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy to Heal Trauma 

AEDP: How Does AEDP Process Emotions? 

IFS: How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Parts Work Therapy? 

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Daydreaming and dissociation are related to each other, but they differ in terms of their duration, severity and underlying mechanisms.

What is the Difference Between Daydreaming and Dissociation?

Daydreaming is usually a harmless activity where an individual imagines certain people, places or events. 

Daydreaming is Pleasant and Relaxing

Daydreaming is often a pleasant and relaxing experience (unless someone spends an excessive amount of time engaged in it to the detriment of other things in their life). 

Daydreaming, getting absorbed in a book and forgetting the miles driven on a familiar road are all light forms of dissociation.

Dissociation involves a detachment or interruption from either thoughts, feelings, current surroundings, memories or an experience of oneself.  Under ordinary circumstances, light dissociation is a temporary detachment or interruption.

Dissociation is a common response to stress.

Dissociation is also a common response to trauma and, under severe conditions, it's a response to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) which was formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

Dissociation is on a continuum. Mild dissociation can last up to a few minutes minutes and, on the other end of the continuum, severe dissociation can last days or longer.

Comparing daydreaming to more serious dissociation: Ordinary daydreaming is usually not disruptive to one's life, but severe dissociation can be a distressing experience.

What is the Connection Between Trauma and Dissociation?

Dissociation is an unconscious defense mechanism.

During a traumatic event, the fight or flight response can get activated.

Trauma-Related Dissociation

If an individual is unable to fight or flee, the freeze response gets activated as a way to protect the individual through dissociation.  

One example of the freeze response is the "deer in the headlights" reaction. 

So, for instance, if someone is walking down a deserted street and someone suddenly jumps out to attack them, the person who was walking alone might freeze as part of being shocked.  

The freeze response is an unconscious defense mechanism. As part of the freeze response, the person who is shocked might be unable to speak, run or fight because they are immobilized by the traumatic shock of the attack.

What Are the Signs of Dissociation?

Signs and symptoms of dissociation include (but are not limited to):

• Feeling disconnected from your body, also known as an "out of body experience" (depersonalization)

• Feeling separate from the environment around you. The world around you might feel unreal or distorted (derealization)

• Experiencing lightheadedness, dizziness or a racing heart

• Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected

• Having difficulty feeling emotions

• Feeling unsure of who you are

• Forgetting significant events or times in your life or personal information which could include big gaps in your memories, including memory gaps in your family history

• Feeling disconnected from your body so that you don't feel pain when you would normally expect to feel pain

• Experiencing flashbacks including emotional flashbacks

What Are Some Ways to Cope With Dissociation? (non-DID dissociation)

Some of the following activities might be helpful:

• Writing in a journal
  

• Practicing mindfulness
  

Mindfulness and Square Breathing to Cope With Dissociation

• Practicing Square Breathing
  

• Making self care a priority
  

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

The suggestions above for coping with dissociation can be good strategies to manage your dissociation, but if you want to overcome trauma-related dissociation, you need to seek help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy often has limited success for working through unresolved trauma, which is why certain forms of trauma therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States Therapy and clinical hypnosis, were developed.

All of the above modalities are Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Unresolved trauma can linger for months, years or even a lifetime, so getting help in trauma therapy sooner rather than later is important.

Once you have worked through unresolved trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Clients' Fears of Being Abandoned By Their Psychotherapist

In prior articles, I've discussed fear of abandonment in relationships as well as psychotherapy clients' fear of being a disappointment to their therapist (see my articles:  Fear of Being a Disappointment to Your Therapist, Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned, The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Codependency Issues, Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy, Stable Relationship, and How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on clients who have a general fear of abandonment because of their early traumatic history and the clinical implications of that fear in relation to their fear of being abandoned by their psychotherapist.

Clients' Fear of Being Abandoned By Their Psychotherapist 

There are many ways that clients, who have a fear of being abandoned, could perceive the therapist  as abandoning them.   Clients who have this fear are often hypervigilant for any possible signs that the therapist is not fully present in the therapy hour.

Most psychotherapists, who are trained in psychoanalysis or psychodynamic psychotherapy, have the ability to be emotionally engaged in the therapy session to the client's therapeutic process, including subtle shifts in the client's self states (see my article: Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse).

Experienced contemporary psychoanalytic and psychodynamically trained psychotherapists are trained to intuitively pick up on what is going on in the intersubjective space between the client and the therapist even during times of silence.

But this doesn't mean that every psychodynamic psychotherapist is perfectly attuned during every moment of the therapy session.  There might be times when the therapist's mind momentarily wonders.  This is often related to the client's process even when it doesn't, at first, appear to be related.

For instance, if a psychotherapist is working with a highly dissociated client who is fairly disconnected from what he is talking about to the therapist, the therapist might find that her mind wonders momentarily as if both client and therapist are caught in the client's "cloud" of dissociation.

For an experienced psychotherapist, who is knowledgeable about dissociation, this momentary joining with the client in the dissociative "cloud" is important clinical information about what's going on with the client as well as what's going on between the client and the therapist.

For example, if, for a moment, the therapist "hears" a song in her mind, she asks herself inwardly whether this song has come into her thoughts unconsciously and how it may or may not be related to the client (see my article: The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement to Unconscious Process in the Therapy Session).

Psychotherapists who are comfortable disclosing their thoughts to the client might explore with the client if the client thinks it is related.

So, for instance, the therapist might say, "You know, you were just talking about your relationship and the song, "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt just popped into my head.  I'm wondering if I'm picking up something unconsciously about what's going on with you and your spouse."

More often than not, in this type of situation, even if the client wasn't talking about his feeling that his  wife no longer loves him, he might suddenly realize that the therapist picked up on a dissociated part of him that, until now, he was unaware of.  It's often a disavowed part of himself (or a disavowed self state) that he was unaware of but which was in the intersubjective "air" between the therapist and the client on an unconscious level.

When this happens, this phenomenon allows this disavowed self state to come "online" for the client. It might have been a part of himself that was just below the surface, so to speak, and was being unconsciously communicated to the therapist.

Although the client might not be happy to realize that he's really worried about his wife not loving him any more, he and his therapist now have a deeper understanding of a part of himself that was dissociated, and this part can now be worked with in therapy.

So, this is an example of what seems like a lapse in the psychotherapist's attention, but it's actually the client's unconscious material becoming conscious and furthering the work.

But a client, who is not ready to deal with his fear of not being loved by his spouse--even if he expressed this fear in prior therapy sessions--and who generally fears being abandoned, including by his therapist, will deny that the song that popped into the therapist's head is relevant.

Not only will the client deny it, he will also perceive the therapist's momentary thought about the song as being intrusive and a form of abandonment, "Why are you thinking about songs when you should be paying attention to me?"

The client sees this as "evidence" that the therapist really isn't interested in him because the therapist's mind wandered for a second.

Months later, when the client becomes ready to own his fear about his wife, he might tell the therapist that it was prescient of her to pick up on this dissociated fear a few months back in the form of the song.

But before the client is ready to allow that disavowed part of himself (the part that has this fear about his wife) to fully emerge, he will only see this phenomenon as a disruption to the therapy session and proof that the therapist abandoned him--even if it was just for a second.

What the client is unaware of is that the abandonment which he fears will happen already happened with his primary caregivers and this is now the template through which he sees his relationships, including his relationship with his therapist (see my article: Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If It Were the Past and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present).

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette which illustrates these dynamics:

Sandy
Sandy started therapy because she wanted to be in a relationship, but whenever she got close to anyone in a romantic relationship, she would become too afraid to remain in the relationship and she would find a way to consciously sabotage it (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

In hindsight, Sandy would see how she sabotaged the relationship but, no matter how many times this happened, she was unable to see it while it was happening.

Clients' Fears of Being Abandoned By Their Psychotherapist

This part of her that unconsciously destroyed her relationships was so dissociated that it operated as if it were not a part of her at all.  She would tell her therapist, "It's as if it's 'not me' acting in the relationship--as if I'm in a dream and I only wake up after I've damaged the relationship beyond repair."

Sandy talked to her therapist about her fear that if her friends or a potential boyfriend ever really got to know the "real me," they wouldn't like her and they wouldn't want to be around her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

Her therapist was aware that, most likely, if Sandy had this fear with others, she probably had this fear with the therapist as well because this is a common experience with clients who have this fear.

When her therapist attempted to explore whether Sandy had this same fear with her, Sandy denied it.  But her therapist sensed that this fear was out of Sandy's current awareness and Sandy wasn't ready to recognize it.

A few weeks later, when her therapist told Sandy that she would be going on vacation in a couple of months for three weeks, Sandy became highly anxious.  She struggled with her internal conflict of  wanting to suppress this fear and wanting to talk about it.

A week later, when Sandy came for her next session, she told her therapist that she was having nightmares about being a young child who was being accompanied by a woman in a subway station.  Sandy didn't recognize this woman, but in the dream this woman seemed to be a nanny or some sort of caregiver.  Suddenly, in the dream, the woman, who was accompanying her, disappeared and Sandy was lost and confused in the crowded subway station.  She didn't know where to go or what to do and she began to panic.

Each time that she had this dream, Sandy told her therapist, she woke up startled and couldn't go back to sleep.  Her heart was pounding and her thoughts were racing.  Even hours after she woke up, she still felt a sense of dread that was residue from her dream.

Sandy and her therapist explored the meaning of the dream, especially as these dreams began right after her therapist told Sandy that she would be going on vacation in a couple of months for three weeks.

Sandy's first reaction was that she felt ashamed.  On the one hand, she knew, logically, that her therapist deserved to go on vacation, as everyone does.  But, on the other hand, a part of her feared that her therapist wouldn't come back or that if she came back, she would decide that Sandy was "just too much" for her and end the therapy.  Then, Sandy would be left on her own, feeling abandoned and not knowing what to do.

Given Sandy's childhood history of her father disappearing one night (never to return) and her mother's major depression where she was barely able to function, it was understandable that Sandy would have a fear of abandonment because she had been traumatized by each of her parent's abandonment--the physical abandonment by her father and the emotional abandonment by her mother.

This fear of abandonment was what was getting in the way of Sandy having a lasting relationship.  She unconsciously sabotaged the relationship to end it because she wanted a sense of control of the end rather than waiting for her boyfriend at the time to abandon her.

Sandy's fear of being abandoned by her therapist was now out in the open for her and her therapist to work on.  Sandy knew that she didn't completely believe that her therapist would abandon her--it was only a part of her that felt this way, but it was a powerful part (see my article: Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself).

As Sandy and her therapist talked more about her fear, she felt the fear somewhat subside.  She was aware that her fear was based on her childhood trauma of real abandonment (not just fear of abandonment).  So, over time, Sandy and her therapist were able to process her early trauma, which was the origin of her fear (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Your Unresolved Childhood Trauma) and, gradually, the fear of being abandoned as an adult began to subside.

Conclusion
People who have a childhood history of emotional or physical abandonment often have a fear that important people in their life, including their psychotherapist, will abandon them.

At first, the fear might not be explicit.  It might be just under the surface and come to light through dreams or other unconscious material.

Before clients realize that they have this fear, the fear can get played out in other ways, like missed appointments, or in some cases by the client aborting therapy altogether rather than, from their point of view, risk being abandoned by the therapist (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Once the fear is out in the open, clients often recognize that there is a part of them that has this fear.  In other words, they're not completely convinced that the therapist will abandon them--it's more like a disavowed part (or self state) contains this fear.

Becoming aware that what they fear has already happened in their childhood and that this has created a relational lens through which their fear is projected onto current relationships is helpful.

Even more helpful is the processing of the original trauma so that the fear of being abandoned doesn't get triggered in current close relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear of being abandoned is one of the major reasons why clients come to therapy, especially if this fear is being enacted in important adult relationships.

Clients often don't recognize that they have this fear about their therapists until there is an upcoming separation, like the therapist's vacation.

When the fear comes to light in therapy, there is an opportunity to work on this issue because it's alive in the therapy.

Just knowing logically that the fear of abandonment is from a prior trauma, although helpful, isn't enough to overcome this fear.  The client and therapist need to do trauma-informed therapy to process the original trauma so that the fear no longer gets enacted in current relationships.

If you're struggling with fear of abandonment in your close relationships, you could benefit from working with a licensed trauma-informed mental health professional who can help you to overcome this fear (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you no longer fear being abandoned, you can live your life with a greater sense of ease and well-being.  You can also live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients overcome a history of trauma, including a fear of being abandoned.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.












.

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

Developmental trauma occurs over time starting in childhood (as compared to shock trauma, which is usually an event).  Developmental trauma can occur when young children learn who they are from their parents, who might value certain aspects of the child and not others.  

According to Philip Bromberg in his book, Awakening the Dreamer: Clinical Journeys, the aspects of the child that are not validated by the parents, become dissociated "not me" parts of the self and the parts that are valued become, "This is who I am."

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

According to Bromberg, one of the reasons that developmental trauma is significant is that it shapes the child's core self through the attachment patterns that the child develops with the primary caregiver.

In order for the child to maintain a sense of core self as s/he matures, s/he has to preserve the early attachment patterns with the primary caregiver, which includes the aspects of self that were validated to the exclusion of the aspects that weren't.  This pattern continues as the child becomes an adult and  forms new relationships with significant others later in life.

When adults, who have a history of developmental trauma, come to therapy, they often have no awareness of the aspects of themselves that are dissociated due to the early invalidation in their attachment pattern with the primary caregiver.

When they were children, not only did they have to do what the primary caregiver needed them to do, they also had to be who the caregiver needed them to be with regard to the aspects that the caregiver validated.

To help these individuals to become more self reflective and aware that they're continuing to be who their primary caretaker needed them to be and that aspects of themselves have been sacrificed, the therapist helps these clients to see themselves within the enactments in therapy (for more about enactments, see my articles: Mutual Enactments Between the Psychotherapist and the Client in Psychotherapy and Why Your Psychotherapist Can't Be Your Best Friend).

With the increased awareness that develops in psychotherapy, these clients can learn to distinguish "This is who I am" from "This is what I do."

Being able to make this distinction is crucial for these clients to be able to make the changes in themselves that they're hoping to make.

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates these concepts:

Fictional Vignette:  Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do:"

Ted
Ted came to therapy because he was having problems in his relationship with his wife.

Initially, Ted told his therapist that his issues as communication problems with his wife.  He said they frequently argued about money, and his wife saw him as a tightwad.  Although he acknowledged that he could be overly thrifty at times and he wanted to salvage his marriage, he saw his thriftiness as, "This is who I am" and he saw no way to change it.

Developmental Trauma: "This is Who I Am" vs "This is What I Do"

It became apparent, as the therapist listened to his early history, that Ted's mother was also thrifty and she encouraged Ted to do everything he could to save his money.  He told the therapist that his mother praised him for being parsimonious and told him, "You're just like me," which pleased Ted very much as a child.

He also told his therapist a story about how he bought flowers for his third grade teacher with birthday money that he saved.  He loved his teacher and he was thrilled to see how happy she was when he gave her the flowers.

But when he got home and told his mother about it, she scolded him for "wasting" his money.  She told him, "Saving your money is important."

Ted told many similar childhood stories where he was initially elated to give a gift to someone and then he felt ashamed when his mother scolded him and refused to talk to him for the rest of the day when she found out that he used his money to give a gift to someone.

Ted learned early on that if he wanted to remain in his mother's good graces, he would have to conform to her way of thinking.

As an adult, Ted felt he learned a valuable lesson from his mother when he was a child.  But now his wife was complaining because he had such a hard time spending money even when it came to giving birthday gifts to his wife.

Although Ted understood somewhat why his wife was upset, he told his therapist, "My wife wants to change me, but she just doesn't understand that this is who I am."

He was concerned because his wife's birthday was coming up and he was sure that she wanted a gift from him.  He wanted to "keep the peace," so he planned to get her a gift, but he felt he was going against a basic part of himself in order to do it.

His therapist suggested that Ted buy his wife a gift and they could talk about how he felt afterwards.

A week after Ted gave his wife the gift, he came to his therapy session looking upset.  He told his therapist that, even though it was against his basic sense of self, he bought his wife something that she had been hinting about, a makeup mirror in the shape of a shell.  She was so happy that she threw her arms around Ted and kissed him, but Ted felt miserable for going against his sense of self.

Ted's therapist explored Ted's feelings about giving his wife this gift that she really wanted, and Ted told his therapist that he felt he disappointed his mother--even though his mother had been dead for more than 10 years, "My mother would have been angry with me if she was still alive and, even though she's been gone for several years, I feel like I let her down."

Ted's therapist tried to help Ted to remember how he felt as a child when he gave his teacher the flowers and he saw how happy she was.  Ted remembered that he felt happy, but he couldn't separate out this part of the memory from how unhappy his mother was afterwards.

He recalled other childhood memories when he wanted a certain toy or picture book, and his mother discouraged him from having them.  She told him that it would be a waste of money.  After a while, Ted stopped allowing himself from even wanting these things.

Looking back on those memories, Ted knew that his family was upper middle class, so his mother could well afford to buy him these things, so he wondered why his mother discouraged him from wanting toys or books, "At first, it made me feel sad, but then I learned to do without them and not want them any more."

His therapist noted to herself that this was the first time that Ted reflected on his mother's dynamics and how it affected him.

Gradually, over time, Ted became more self reflective and he began to make the distinction between who he is as a person and his behavior.  He realized that, when he was a child, he was too afraid to go against his mother's wishes because she would ignore him when she was displeased.

Resolving Developmental Trauma in Therapy: "This is What I Do and I Can Change."

More importantly, Ted realized in therapy that he was still trying to hold onto his mother's love by behaving the way she wanted him to behave.  It was his way of holding onto her even though she was gone.

As his therapy progressed, Ted realized that he no longer had to behave in a way that would honor the memory of his mother.  And, as he came to terms with this, other aspects of himself that were invalidated by his mother, came alive.

Not only was he more generous with his wife, but he also allowed himself to want and have things again, which was liberating for him.

Conclusion
When aspects of children are invalidated by their primary caregiver, children learn to disavow these aspects.  This is part of developmental trauma.

On an unconscious level, children dissociate these aspects in order to maintain the attachment with the caregiver, which is essential to children's sense of well-being.

This disavowal comes at a great cost to children as they grow up unconsciously dissociating parts of themselves to maintain the attachment.

Children who learn to maintain only the aspects of themselves that are validated by their caregiver and disavow the aspects that are invalidated continue this pattern as adults and believe, "This is who I am."  This makes change difficult for them because they believe that their behavior is intrinsic to who they are.

Developing the necessary self awareness to realize that who they think they are is really not an intrinsic part of themselves and it's really their behavior is usually a gradual process in therapy.

Being able to separate out "who I am" from "what I do" can be a freeing experience because it allows the true self to emerge (see my article:  Becoming Your True Self).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems changing because you believe that your problematic behavior is part of who you are, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Self awareness is the first step in making changes

Developing the necessary awareness and insight into ingrained problems is often a gradual process, and a skilled mental health professional can help you in your journey (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my other articles about Psychotherapy.

Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of the Self

Sexually compulsive behavior often involves a split off part of the self that feels like a "not me" part (see my articles:  Overcoming Sexual Addiction in Therapy, Overcoming Internet and Porn Addiction, Sexual Addiction: Is a Compulsion For Viewing Internet Porn Ruining Your Marriage?, Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online, Infidelity on Social Media Sites, The Counterphobic Defense and Hypersexuality and Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception).  Often, although not always, that part is the result of an emotionally traumatic history.

Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of the Self

People, who engage in sexually compulsive behavior, usually seek help in psychotherapy after there have been consequences for their behavior:  a spouse discovers multiple affairs, an employer confronts an employee about viewing online pornography at work, and so on.

Needless to say, there is usually a great deal of shame involved once a spouse or an employer confronts this type of behavior.  Combined with the fact that most people, including spouses and employers, don't understand sexually compulsive behavior and see it as a "moral failing," this just adds to the shame and makes it difficult for people to get help in therapy.

Prior to facing consequences and getting help, people who engage in sexually compulsive behavior often have little awareness of what triggers their behavior or the underlying psychological issues.

In therapy, people with sexual compulsions will often describe their behavior as feeling "split off" or separate from how they see themselves (see my article: Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself That Make You Who You Are and Parts Work in Therapy: Is a Split Off Part of Yourself Running Your Life?).

For the purposes of this article, when I refer to a "split off" part from the self, I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID), although there are people with DID who are sexually compulsive.

To clarify, it's important to understand that dissociation occurs on a wide spectrum with DID occurring at the far end of the spectrum and more common forms of dissociation, like daydreaming, which we all do, as occurring on the other end.  There are some forms of dissociation which are actually helpful (see my article: How Compartmentalization Can Be Used as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy).

Between a common form of dissociation, like daydreaming and the other end of the spectrum of DID, there's everything in between.  So, the type of "split off" that I'm referring to is on the spectrum--far less than DID but more than just simple daydreaming.

To varying degrees, everyone has some split off parts that are just outside of their awareness and not considered a major problem. It's a matter of degree.

One of the goals of any psychotherapy is to help clients to become more psychologically integrated in order to bring split off parts into awareness.  The more psychologically integrated a person is, the healthier he or she is.

To simplify matters in the fictionalized vignette below, I discuss a fictionalized male client; however, women also engage in sexually compulsive behavior.

Ken
Ken began therapy after his wife discovered that he was watching pornography compulsively at night and contacting women online for sexually explicit discussions after his wife went to sleep.  Based on the computer browser history, she could see that this was a regular activity for Ken.

Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of the Self

Prior to this discovery, his wife thought that Ken wasn't interested in sex because they had not had sex in many months.  But after she discovered Ken's online activity, she felt very upset, hurt and betrayed by him.  She gave him an ultimatum:  Get help or she would leave him.

When Ken came for his first therapy session, it was evident that he was very ashamed of his behavior.  He could barely look the therapist in the eye, and he had a lot of difficulty communicating why he was seeking help.  After several false starts, he told the therapist that he was there because his wife gave him the ultimatum and, after 20 years of marriage, he didn't want to lose his wife.

During the early phase of therapy, Ken rationalized his behavior by saying that he didn't see anything wrong with looking at pornography online or contacting women he didn't know for "harmless flirtation."  He said that these women lived in other parts of the country and he had no intention of ever meeting up with them, so he didn't see it as cheating on his wife.

As part of his early history, Ken revealed to his therapist that he began secretly looking at his father's Playboy magazines when he was nine years old and left alone at home while his parents went out.  He remembered the first time that he looked at the pictures of naked women in sexually provocative poses and how thrilling it was for him to secretly masturbate while fantasizing about these women.

As he continued to reveal his early history, he told his therapist that his parents often left him alone and, as an only child, he was lonely.  From other details that he revealed, his therapist realized that Ken wasn't just left alone a lot--he was emotionally neglected by his parents (see my articles:  What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on in Adult Relationships? and Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Fantasizing about the women in the magazine and imagining that he was with them made Ken feel less alone when his parents were out.  It was soothing to him, and he continued to look at porn from that time on with the same effect of feeling comforted and less alone.

Ken never revealed to his wife that he liked to look at pornography.  For him, it was a secret activity that belonged only to him, and he never discussed it with anyone.  He also assumed that his wife wouldn't understand and, based on her reaction, his fears were confirmed.

He somewhat resented that his wife was giving him this ultimatum to get help and he felt she was being unreasonable, "Why can't she just leave me alone about this?  I'm not hurting anyone."

Due to Ken's level of denial about his problems and the effect it had on his marriage, his therapist knew that he would probably leave therapy if she confronted him directly (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely and Clients Struggling With Shame Can Leave Therapy Abruptly).

Instead, initially, she took a more empathic approach and remained close to Ken's emotional experience and, at times, she made observations that she thought he could tolerate.

Although Ken stopped looking at pornography and contacting women at home, he didn't tell his therapist or wife that he used his computer at work to continue engaging in sexually compulsive behavior (although, at that point, he didn't see it as being sexually compulsive).  Ken rationalized to himself that he worked for a very large company with thousands of employees, so he didn't think he would get caught by the IT department.

But a few months later, Ken was called into his supervisor's office where his supervisor and the Human Resources director were waiting for him.  His supervisor told him that the IT department detected that Ken was looking at pornography online and this is against company policy.

He gave Ken a warning memorandum that this behavior wouldn't be tolerated and any other infractions against the company policy could result in termination.  He also recommended that Ken get psychological help.

Ken felt deeply mortified.  He tried to tell his supervisor that someone else might have gone on his computer while he was away from his office, but neither his supervisor or the HR director believed him.  They told him to take the rest of the day off.

Although he felt humiliated about what happened at work, Ken told his therapist about it.  He acknowledged that he had been keeping this a secret from her because he wanted to continue to look at porn and he really didn't see it as a problem.

But as his therapist reflected back to him the consequences of his behavior, Ken acknowledged that he was placing his marriage and career in jeopardy.  This was the first time that Ken didn't try to hide behind his usual rationalizations.

At that point, instead of feeling like he was being forced to come to therapy to appease his wife, Ken became internally motivated to understand and overcome his behavior.  He also agreed to attend a 12 Step program for sexually compulsive individuals and to get a sponsor in that program.

Once Ken became internally motivated, the work in therapy progressed.  His therapist talked to him about cross addiction so that Ken would understand that it was not unusual for people who were trying to overcome a particular addiction to form another addiction as a way to self soothe.

His therapist helped Ken to understand the various aspects that made him who he is, including the split off parts.  This is called Parts work or Ego States work.

Ken and his therapist worked on the underlying issues that triggered his sexual addiction, including loneliness and boredom (Coping With Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger).

They also did trauma work on early childhood issues related to emotional neglect.

After Ken began making progress in therapy and he was abstinent for six months, he and his wife were ready to attend couples therapy to repair their marriage.

Conclusion
With the advent of the Internet, compulsive sexual behavior has increased dramatically.

This behavior is usually difficult to overcome on your own.

The underlying roots of the problem are often (although not always) related to early childhood trauma.

Similar to any other form addiction, denial plays a significant role because it's usually too painful to acknowledge the problem.

Shame often keeps people who need help from ever seeking help.  They attempt to resolve the problem on their own but, like other forms of addiction, sexually compulsive behavior is progressive if people don't get professional help.

Although many people start therapy because they've been given an ultimatum by a spouse or an employer, the success of treatment is usually predicated on clients become internally motivated.

The work in therapy includes helping clients to develop the internal resources to remain abstinent and to deal with underlying issues, coping mechanisms to deal with triggers, and trauma work to resolve unresolved emotional trauma.

Clients, who have problems with sexually compulsive behavior, need psychoeducation from their psychotherapists about cross addiction so that they don't stop one addiction and revert to another one (i.e., stop watching pornography compulsively online and start another form of addiction like compulsive gambling, drinking excessively, abusing drugs, etc).

Getting Help in Therapy
Although people who engage in sexually compulsive behavior often feel alone and deeply ashamed of their behavior, the best chance of their overcoming these problems is to get help in therapy with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in this area.

Rather than suffering alone, if you've been unable to overcome your problems on your own, you could benefit from the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

Aside from overcoming your addictive behavior, attending therapy can help you to grow and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work: "I don't need anyone"

Unresolved early childhood trauma usually leads to emotional survival strategies that were adaptive during childhood, but they are no longer adaptive for adults.  They also often lead to distortions in self perception.  It's not unusual for adults, who were abused or neglected as children, to become adults who deny their own emotional needs and reject emotional connections with others (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma That Occurred a Long Time Ago, Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated, Are You Feeling Trapped By Your Childhood History?, Overcoming the Traumatic Effects of Childhood Trauma, and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work: "I don't need anyone."

These survival strategies and distortions in self perception are unconscious.  Underneath them are a lot of fear, hurt, anger and shame.

One way to avoid feeling these underlying feelings is intellectualization.  When it is used to avoid unconscious emotions, intellectualization is a defense strategy.  More about this later.

These problems can begin early in infancy when the baby's primary caregiver is either shutdown emotionally, continuously misattuned to the baby's emotional needs, emotionally neglectful or abusive.

Even if all of the baby's physical needs are being taken care of, the baby still needs emotional attunement from the primary caregiver in order to thrive and learn to develop healthy attachment.

A baby, who makes many attempts to get a caregiver to be emotionally attuned, eventually gives up and shuts down emotionally.  Not only does the baby feel resignation about getting his emotional needs met, but he also gives up and dissociates.

If this is a pervasive experience in a baby's life, it will affect brain development as well as emotional development.

This survival strategy of dissociating is adaptive at that point for the baby because it would be emotionally unbearable to continue to yearn for love and attention that won't be given by the primary caregiver.

But this survival strategy, as an adult, is maladaptive and usually results in disconnection from oneself and others.

The dilemma for this adult is that he (or she) yearns for love and connection, but he's too fearful of getting his needs met, so he either (unconsciously) connects with other adults who cannot meet his needs or he believes himself to be "independent," someone who doesn't need other people.

As mentioned before, a common pattern for people with this problem is to either avoid relationships altogether by intellectualizing ("I only need my books") to negate the yearning for love and connection.

Fictionalized Scenario
The following fictionalized scenario illustrates these dynamics:

Jane
Shortly after Jane was born, she was left with her maternal grandmother when her mother moved from Florida to New York to find work.

Jane's grandmother did the best that she could, but she was often overwhelmed by taking care of her other grandchildren, her responsibilities in the house and running the family business.  As a result, she had little time to spend with Jane aside from meeting Jane's basic physical needs.

The grandmother was raised to believe that if a baby cried, the baby should be left to cry it out rather than being picked up, otherwise, the baby would be spoiled.

How Emotional Survival Strategies Develop in Infancy

So she left Jane crying for long periods of time in the crib.  Eventually, Jane would give up out of sheer physical exhaustion as well as a primitive sense that it was hopeless to keep trying to get anyone's attention.

When Jane's grandmother noticed that Jane was quiet in her crib and was just staring into space, she thought this was good.

To be clear, the grandmother wasn't trying to harm Jane in any way.  She just didn't understand the developmental harm that was being done by not responding to the baby's crying.  And, aside from this, a quiet baby is a compliant baby and was much easier for the grandmother.

When Jane was 10, her mother sent for her to live in New York City.  Even though Jane and her mother had no contact since the mother moved to New York City, when Jane arrived, her mother expected Jane to be affectionate towards her.

But, instead of an affectionate child, Jane's mother encountered a child who showed little emotional reaction to her.  Jane was obedient and passive, but it was obvious that she felt no emotional connection to her mother.

Jane understood that the woman she was meeting after so many years was her mother--she understood it as a fact.  But it had no emotional resonance for her.  She complied with her mother's rules and directives, but Jane remained emotionally disconnected from her (see my article: Adults Who Were Traumatized as Children Are Often Afraid to Feel Their Emotions).

Jane's mother thought of Jane's emotional distance as Jane being willfully disrespectful of her.  She had no understanding, as many parents wouldn't, that Jane's aloofness was an unconscious survival strategy that she developed at an early age to cope with the lack of love and connection from infancy.

Meanwhile when she was at school, Jane's teachers noticed that she tended to isolate herself from other children.  While other children were playing during recess, Jane sat in the corner by herself reading a book.

When Jane's teacher told her mother that she was concerned that Jane wasn't interacting with the other children, Jane's mother dismissed the teacher's concerns, "My daughter is here to learn.  She's not here to make friends.  It's better for her to read than to play."

Throughout high school, Jane's mother discouraged her from dating, "There will be plenty of time for that after you graduate from college."   Jane didn't mind because she felt no need to date boys or to make friends, "I have my books.  I don't need anyone."

During her first year of college, Jane kept to herself. At first, her classmates tried to befriend her, but when they saw that Jane wasn't receptive, they thought that Jane thought of herself as being "too good" for them.  Their friendliness turned to scorn, and they laughed and ridiculed Jane.

Although Jane pretended not to notice, she saw and heard their criticism.  Sometimes it would bother her, but most of the time, she pushed down her discomfort and told herself that she didn't care what they thought, "I don't need anyone."  Then, she would study harder in an effort to avoid feeling her loneliness, anger and hurt.

Jane graduated college with a 4.0 GPA, which she was very proud of and so was her mother.  But she didn't get any interviews from the college recruiters at campus.

Jane applied for many jobs after she graduated college, but she received no responses.  She wasn't  aware that many companies looked not only for good grades--they also wanted to see that students were involved in college activities, and Jane avoided any activities while she was in college.

Eventually, Jane found a job as a part time bookkeeper, which didn't require a college degree.  She worked in a small office by herself.

After a year, Jane found a full time bookkeeping job.  This allowed her to move out of her mother's home to become a roommate in an apartment with three other young women.

Jane didn't really want to have roommates, but she couldn't afford to have her own apartment.  Even though Jane had no interest in making friends with her roommates, one of them, Cathy, went out of her way to be friendly with Jane.

To her surprise, Jane realized that she didn't mind being around Cathy because Cathy did all the talking when they were together and all Jane had to do was be polite and pretend to be interested in what Cathy was saying.

After Cathy asked Jane many times, Jane agreed to go with Cathy to a silent meditation retreat.  Jane thought, "How bad could it be?  All I have to do is be silent."

But when Jane began the silent meditation at the meditation center, she was surprised to discover that she felt upset and emotionally overwhelmed, and she didn't know why.  She asked the center director if she could read books instead, but she was told that she had to focus on meditation.

After a couple of days of silent meditation with no other distractions, Jane felt so emotionally overwhelmed with sadness that it was unbearable.  She felt ashamed to leave early, but she couldn't bear being so overwhelmed.

When she got home, Jane tried to distract herself from her sadness by immersing herself in her books and going online but, no matter what she did, she still felt engulfed by sadness and she didn't know why she was feeling this way and why she couldn't distract herself.

After experiencing overwhelming sadness for a couple of weeks, Jane knew she needed help, but she wasn't sure where to turn, so she sought help from her medical doctor.

Although she felt very ashamed of her feelings, especially since she couldn't think of any reason for her sadness, her fear that she was "going crazy" got her to talk to her doctor.

Jane's doctor explained to her that there was nothing physically wrong with her and that she needed to address these psychological issues in psychotherapy.  Then, he referred her to a psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy For Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work 

Over time, Jane learned in therapy that, as an infant, she developed an emotional survival strategy of disconnecting from her environment as a way to deal with the environment that she grew up in.  Her therapist explained to her that this is called dissociation and it's what babies do when they are being raised by a caregiver who neglects or abuses them.

Jane learned from her therapist that this early emotional survival strategy was adaptive at the time because to continue to yearn for love and attention when none was forthcoming would have been even more emotionally painful when she was an infant.

Her therapist explained that Jane continued to use this emotional survival strategy as an adult.  Jane used books and other intellectual pursuits to distract herself and dissociate from her environment, but it was no longer adaptive in Jane's life--in fact, it was getting in the way of developing healthy friendships and relationships.

When Jane went to the silent meditation retreat, her psychotherapist explained, and she wasn't allowed to distract herself with books, her sadness about years of emotional neglect and disconnection came bubbling up to the surface, and this was what Jane was experiencing now.

The feelings were so strong that Jane could no longer push them down so, rather than trying to suppress them, Jane needed to engage in trauma therapy in order to heal.

She could no longer remain in denial about not needing anyone, which was a defense against feeling her longstanding sadness.  Jane saw this defense mechanism for what it was--an emotional survival strategy and distortion in self perception that was now maladaptive.

The psychotherapist talked to Jane about EMDR therapy. She also took a thorough family history and helped Jane to prepare to do EMDR (see my articles: Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is in the Present and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

The work was neither quick nor easy (see my article: Psychotherapy: Beyond the Bandaid Approach).

But by the time Jane and her therapist began processing her early trauma, Jane trusted her therapist and, eventually, she was able to free herself from her history to lead a fuller life.

Conclusion
When infants are neglected or abused, they're able to develop survival strategies, on an unconscious level, that are adaptive at the time to ward off the devastating emotions that are the result of neglect and abuse.

Although it was adaptive at the time, these emotional survival strategies are no longer adaptive as an older child, teen or an adult.  These strategies keep people cut off from their feelings and in denial about their emotional pain.  It also keeps them cut off from other people.

Although they might believe that they really don't need anyone, this emotional survival strategy and distortion in self perception takes a lot of energy to maintain.

People often distract themselves from difficult underlying emotions with intellectual pursuits, drinking excessively, abusing drugs, gambling compulsively or engaging in other addictive and compulsive behavior.

When someone can no longer distract himself, these underlying emotions often come to the surface in a powerful way so that these emotions can no longer be denied.

Getting Help in Therapy
Various forms of trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing are effective in helping people to overcome emotional trauma.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself get the help you need from a skilled psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients to overcome trauma.

By freeing yourself from a traumatic history, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I specialize in helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.