Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Handle Blame? Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

How you handle blame can tell a lot about yourself. It can also have a big impact on your personal and work-related relationships (see my article: Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You and Your Partner?).

How Do You Handle Blame?

The following descriptions are the most common dynamics when it comes to handling blame:

• Externalizers: People who are externalizers usually blame someone or something else when it comes to blame. They rarely, if ever, accept responsibility when things go wrong, even when it's objectively clear that the problem was their fault (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Extreme Externalizers: People who are extreme externalizers have a very difficult time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. They often lack a self reflective capacity, which means they not only fail to look at their own contributions to their problems, but they also don't learn from their mistakes. This means they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. People who are extreme externalizers are often personality disordered (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality: Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Internalizers: People who are internalizers often take on all or most of the blame when things go wrong--even when it's obvious they weren't at fault. 

• Inconsistent Internalizers: People who are inconsistent internalizers often take on too much of the blame in situations, but they can also do a 180 degree turn and externalize all the blame on someone else.  Inconsistent internalizers were often emotionally neglected as children.  Whichever side they're on, they often see situations as being black-and-white with no grey (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Balanced: People who are balanced see their own realistic contributions to problems at the same time they take into account other people's contributions as well as other contributing factors.

How Your Family Handled Blame

Children internalize family dynamics unconsciously.  This includes how families handled blame.

The following vignettes, which are composites, are examples of how families often handle blame and the consequences of their dynamic:

• An Example of an Externalizer: Joey's Family: Joey tended to get into trouble at school for fighting and cutting classes when he was in high school. Whenever Joey's parents were called in to meet with the dean, they were very defensive.  When the dean told them about the problems, both parents blamed Joey's friends for being "bad influences." They never asked Joey to take responsibility and, as parents, they never took responsibility.  So, when Joey became an adult, he became an externalizer.

• An Example of an Internalizer: Alice's Family: When Alice was growing up, she was often scapegoated by her parents and older siblings. Whenever anything went wrong at home, they blamed her.  When they were court-mandated to attend family therapy after Alice's older brother was arrested for stealing a car, they told the family therapist that Alice was the cause of all the family's problems. But when they were asked to explain this, they got defensive (see my article: The Role of the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

• An Example of a Balanced View: Nina's Family: Nina's parents taught her the importance of self reflection so that whenever she had a problem, she reflected on what she could have done better.  They also taught her how to look at problems within the context in which they occurred so she could take a balanced perspective of situations when they went wrong. This helped her in all her relationships as a child and as an adult.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

Dynamics which are internalized at a young age are often difficult to overcome.

If you tend to blame yourself, even when it's objectively clear that you weren't at fault, you could benefit from learning self compassion (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Self Compassion).

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

If you tend to blame others, when a situation goes wrong, take a moment to pause and assess the situation when you're calm.  

If you're blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you're being unfair to others and you're depriving yourself of a potential learning experience.  

If you can stop being defensive and allow yourself to be open, you can gain a new, more balanced perspective when things go wrong. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with internalizing and externalizing usually have their roots in early childhood.

Both internalizing and externalizing can create problems in personal and work-related relationships. 

Problems in relationships often bring people to therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you, if you're open to being helped, to take a more balanced approach when things go wrong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Romantic Relationships

Adults who were parentified children often have problems in adult romantic relationships due to the childhood trauma of having to act as a parent to one or both of their parents (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Adult Relationships).

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Relationships

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when parents use their children for emotional or practical support instead of providing support to the children.  As a result, the children, who aren't psychologically or emotionally equipped to do this, become their parents' caregivers (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Parentification is a form of emotional neglect because the child doesn't get what s/he needs from their parents and, instead, must try to extend themselves beyond their developmental abilities to take care of their parents.

Instrumental Parentification and Emotional Parentification

There are two types of parentification:  

Instrumental Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing practical care which is beyond their emotional and psychological capabilities.  

This could involve:

• Taking care of the parents, siblings or other relatives because the parents are unable or unwilling to do it, including taking responsibility for relatives who are physically or mentally disabled or who have a mental illness

• Assuming household responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing the laundry and other similar responsibilities

Instrumental Parentification

• Paying household bills

• Serving as a translator for parents who are unable to speak the primary language of the country where the family resides

• Other practical tasks that are usually handled by adults

Emotional Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing emotional support to parents. 

This could involve:

• Listening to parents talk about their problems, which is beyond the child's capabilities

Emotional Parentification

• Providing parents with advice relating to the parents' problems

• Serving as a confidante to the parents

• Taking on the adult role as a mediator between the parents or other adults

• Providing emotional support to the parents

The Trauma of Parentification

When children take on their parents' emotional and/or practical responsibilities on an ongoing basis, this is a form of relational trauma because there is a role reversal between children and parents.  

Also, as previously mentioned, if the child's emotional and practical needs aren't being met, this is a form of neglect.

Parentification can result in a variety of mental health issues including:

• Problems with trust
• Anger management issues
• Problems with emotional regulation
• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance misuse
• Gambling
• Eating disorders
• Problems forming or maintaining adult relationships, especially romantic relationships

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the traumatic effects of parentification and how trauma therapy can help:

Jim

By the time Jim was 10 years old, he had taken over many of his parents' responsibilities in the household because his father, who was an active alcoholic and unemployed, would disappear for weeks, and his mother tried to support the family by working three jobs.

As the oldest child, Jim did the laundry, cleaned the house, helped his siblings with their homework, put them to sleep, dressed them in the morning and made sure they ate breakfast, among other things.

He was so tired that he often fell asleep in class. When his teacher tried to talk to his mother about it over the phone, she discovered that Jim's mother wasn't receptive to hearing about it. 

She told the teacher, "If Jim didn't take care of the younger kids and do the household chores, everything would fall apart. I don't have anyone else to help out and we can't afford to hire a housekeeper, so that's just the way it is." Then Jim's mother hung up.

When Jim's mother was at home, she often complained and cried about how awful her life turned out and how she hated being married to an alcoholic.  Jim would listen patiently and try to be supportive, but he didn't know what to say.

Then, she would shower him to praise and tell him, "You're so good. You're my little man," which made Jim feel good.

But when his father was home, Jim noticed that, despite her complaints to him in private, his mother would go out of her way to appease and cater to the father.  This confused and angered Jim. He couldn't understand why his mother didn't hold the father accountable.  

What was even more confusing to him was that her attitude towards him was very different when his father wasn't home. She doted so much on his father that it was as if Jim and his siblings didn't exist. Instead of confiding in Jim and praising him, his mother would often go along with his father in being critical of him, which hurt Jim's feelings.  

Sometimes Jim felt like he had two mothers--the one who was kind and praiseful towards him when his father wasn't home and the other one who ignored him and joined in his father's criticism of him when his father was home.

Despite this, Jim remained loyal to his mother and disdainful towards his father.  When it was time for him to go to college, Jim chose a school close to home so he could live at home and be close to his mother to help out.

By then, his father had quit drinking because he was having health problems and his doctor warned him that if he didn't stop drinking, he would die.  So, things were a little more stable at home and his father got a job as a janitor.

Throughout high school and college, Jim didn't date. He had a few male friends, but he felt shy and self conscious around girls.  Sometimes his friends teased him about being "a mama's boy," but he didn't care because he knew his mother still needed him at home.

After he graduated college and he started a new job, he met a woman at his organization who was from a different department. Jane was friendly and outgoing and she asked Jim to go to lunch.  Soon after that, they began dating.

Problems arose in their relationship a few months after they started dating whenever Jim cancelled their plans when he felt his mother needed him.  These cancellations never involved emergencies, but Jim treated these incidents as if they were emergencies,which angered Jane. So, Jane gave him an ultimatum to either attend therapy or she would leave him.

Jim began therapy to deal with feeling triangulated between his mother and his girlfriend.  This is how he learned about parentification and how it affected him in his relationship with Jane as well as his reluctance, before dating Jane, to date at all.

Trauma Therapy

As part of trauma therapy, Jim did EMDR therapy to help him to work through his history of trauma and the impact it had on his romantic relationship.

The work in trauma therapy was neither easy or quick but, over time, Jim began to heal from his childhood trauma. He was also able to differentiate himself psychologically from his mother so he could thrive as an individual and in his relationship.

Conclusion

Adults who were parentified often have a difficult time in adult romantic relationships.

The good news is that the trauma of parentification can be worked through in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with a history of parentification, you're not alone.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through trauma.

So, instead of struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more abou tme, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Problems With Experiencing Positive Emotions: When Good Feelings Feel Bad

Problems with experiencing positive emotions, like happiness, are often related to unresolved developmental trauma (see my article: (see my articles: Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If It Were the Past and Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Feel Happy?).

Problems With Experiencing Positive Emotions: When Good Feelings Feel Bad

Why Do People Have Problems With Positive Emotions?
Although it might seem unusual for people to feel uncomfortable with positive emotions, this often occurs with adults because they have lived most of their lives experiencing so-called negative emotions, and they are usually hypervigilant about when the next traumatic experience will occur.  So, even when things are going well, they are uncomfortable and waiting for the "next shoe to drop" (see my article: Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Experience Their Feelings).

In  other words, negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, and sadness are part of their usual experience.  This has been the norm for them.  When they have experiences where they begin to feel happy, this will usually make them feel anxious or fearful which, in turn, makes it difficult for them to experience happiness.

Not only are they be suspicious of positive emotions because they're waiting for something bad to happen, but positive emotions can also make them aware on a deep level of the emotional deprivation they experienced in the past.

So, for instance, someone who is leery of positive emotions due to unresolved trauma, might feel deep sadness when s/he gets a hug from a friend.

Although this reaction might sound counterintuitive, for the person with unresolved trauma related to childhood emotional neglect, the hug is a visceral reminder of the love and affection they didn't receive as children.  This reaction is an emotional trigger as opposed to an objective response, and it happens in an instant.  It can be confusing for both the person getting the hug and the person giving the hug.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Problems With Experiencing Positive Emotions: When Good Feelings Feel Bad
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how someone with unresolved trauma can experience positive emotions as uncomfortable due to unresolved trauma:

Jane
After entering into a new romantic relationship, Jane began psychotherapy to deal with emotions that confused her.

Jane, who was in her mid-30s, told her psychotherapist that she had never been in a relationship before.  Prior to this new relationship, she dated men briefly, but she longed to be with someone in a monogamous relationship. But since she and the man that she was dating, Dan, decided to be in an exclusive relationship, she felt anxious and sad.

Problems With Experiencing Positive Emotions: When Good Feelings Feel Bad

She explained to her therapist that Dan was a wonderful man, and he treated her well.  She had no complaints about him.  While they were dating casually, she and Dan had a good time together.  They had a lot in common, and sex was great.

But once the relationship became more emotionally intimate, Jane became anxious whenever she was about to see Dan.  Whereas sex had been wonderful before they were emotionally intimate, now sex was difficult for her.  She felt almost on the verge of panic when they made love.  Sometimes, she would have to tell him that she needed to stop.  Although he was very caring and considerate, Jane feared that if she didn't overcome her fear and anxiety, she would ruin the relationship (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Her fear and anxiety confused her.  She didn't understand why she felt these emotions now when all along she had hoped that they would become more serious.  But now that they were more serious, her emotions felt out of control.

The part that confused her the most was that whenever she would start to feel happy when she was with Dan, she would begin to feel anxious.  She couldn't understand why feeling happy would make her anxious.  It made no sense to her.

As her psychotherapist listened to her childhood history, she realized that Jane was suffering with unresolved development trauma.  Jane described a childhood of emotional neglect.  Both parents were emotionally distant and spent little time with Jane, who was an only child, and who was often lonely.

The family lived from one emotional and financial crisis to another and life was very chaotic.  They also moved around a lot, so whenever Jane made friends at school, she would have to give them up because the family moved to another state.

Jane had never been in therapy before.  Throughout her life, she overcame many obstacles, and she obtained a college degree with no encouragement or financial help from her parents.  She was also successful in her career.

She had lots of friends, but the one thing that she had always felt she was missing in her life was a relationship.  Aside from wanting the companionship, Jane also wanted to have children, and she was very aware of her age and the possibility that if she waited much longer to have children, she might not be able to have them.

Jane's psychotherapist provided her with psychoeducation about developmental trauma.  She also recommended that they work on helping her to manage her here-and-now problems as well as working on the root of her problem, which was her childhood emotional neglect.

To help Jane manage her current anxiety related to her fear of positive feelings and emotional intimacy, they used Somatic Experiencing.  Using a current memory of a time when she became fearful when she was with Dan, her psychotherapist worked in a gentle way that felt manageable to Jane to help her to calm herself.

Her therapist helped Jane to become aware of the parts of her body that became anxious (her throat and stomach) and the parts of her body that felt calm (her legs).  Using the mind-body connection and visualization, Jane imagined a very slow transfer of energy--one molecule at a time--from her legs to her throat and stomach (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Over time, Jane became adept at using visualization to transfer the sense of calmness to the anxious parts of her body, and she was amazed that she could do this.

After Jane learned to do this on her own, she and her psychotherapist did Ego States therapy where Jane imagined that she was working with her "inner child" to provide love and affection to the younger part of herself that was emotionally neglected.

This was more challenging for Jane.  By doing this work, she realized that a part of her felt that she was unlovable and she didn't deserve to have love and affection.  They had to work for many months for Jane to overcome the feeling of being unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

After Jane was able to feel she was deserving of love, she and her psychotherapist used EMDR therapy to work on her unresolved childhood trauma, which also involved months of therapy (see my article: How EMDR Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

Although the work was difficult, Jane came regularly and she stuck with it because she wanted to have a healthy relationship with Dan.  Even though she had not completed therapy yet, along the way, Jane was making progress and she was feeling more comfortable with positive emotions and the emotional intimacy in her relationship with Dan.

By the time she completed psychotherapy, Jane felt she was a lovable person and she deserved to be happy.  She had also worked through her history of trauma, and she was also able to tolerate positive emotions in her relationship. She and Dan were also getting closer, and she had no problems with this.

Conclusion
Problems with positive emotions are often the result of unresolved developmental trauma.

Along with the fear of positive emotions, many people are also afraid of emotional intimacy, which makes them feel emotionally vulnerable.

Trauma therapy, like Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapy can help to resolve developmental trauma.  Ego States therapy (also called Parts Work) is also helpful to be able to work with parts of the self that are fearful.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who have experienced childhood trauma have problems experiencing positive emotions.

Rather than living your entire life struggling with this fear, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome your fear so that you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Ego States therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma therapist who has helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

Psychological trauma, especially developmental trauma, usually has a negative impact on your perception of yourself.  This is one of the reasons why your beliefs about yourself are addressed in trauma therapy. 

For instance, in EMDR therapy, an important part of therapy is asking about your negative belief about yourself in relation to the traumatic memories that you and your psychotherapist are working on.

How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

It's not unusual for people who have experienced developmental trauma, which is childhood trauma, to have one of the following beliefs about themselves:

• "I'm unlovable."
• "I'm powerless."
• "I'm no good."
• "I'm a terrible person."
• "I'm weak."

and so on.

Objectively, these same people might know that their beliefs about themselves are distorted but, at the same time, they still have these negative self perceptions, and trying to rationalize it away doesn't help them.

Clinical Vignette: How Psychological Trauma Affects Your Perception of Yourself
The following clinical vignette illustrates these points:

Cindy
Cindy decided to start psychotherapy because she knew that her low self esteem was creating problems for her in her personal life as well as in her career.

Whenever she dated a man that she really liked, she worried that after he got to know her, he wouldn't like her and he would stop seeing her.  There wasn't anything in particular she dreaded that he would find out.  It was more a general feeling that she had about herself (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Wouldn't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

As a marketing representative, she often had creative ideas about how to market the company's products, but she hesitated to talk to her manager about her ideas because she second guessed herself.  But when one of her colleagues came up with a similar idea and received praise from the manager, Cindy regretted that she didn't speak up when she had the idea.

When Cindy started therapy, she didn't know why she had such low self esteem but, as she talked to her psychotherapist about her family background, she began to see the connection between her low self esteem and her childhood history.

She told her psychotherapist that she was aware from a young age that her parents never wanted to have children and she was considered "a mistake."

Her parents provided for her basic needs, but they weren't loving and nurturing towards her.  She spent most of her time with her nanny or the housekeeper because her parents told her that they were too busy to spend time with her (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On As An Adult?).

As an only child, Cindy often felt lonely.  She used to love going to her best friend's house because her friend's mother was kind and affectionate.  Her friend's mother would read stories to Cindy and her friend and play with them.

After Cindy moved out to go to college, she never moved back home again.  Instead, she and some of her college roommates got an apartment together in New York City and shared the rent.  She went home on holidays for the "obligatory family visits," but her relationship with her parents remained strained (see my article: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits).

As Cindy and her psychotherapist talked about her memories of childhood, Cindy realized that ever since she could remember, she felt unlovable.

Even as a child, she felt that if she was a lovable child, her parents would care more about her.  She blamed herself for their emotional neglect, as young children often do.

At her psychotherapist's suggestion, Cindy chose a childhood memory to work on with EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that was emblematic of her childhood experiences (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Cindy was five years old in this memory.  She remembered that it was a rainy day so she couldn't go outside, and she felt lonely and bored at home, so she told her mother that she felt "all alone" and "bored."

She hoped that her mother would spend time with her, read a story to her or just talk.  But her mother gave Cindy an annoyed look, "Cindy, can't you see that I'm busy reading?  Go to your room and find a book that you can read on your own and don't bother me."

Cindy remembered going to her room, throwing herself on the bed and crying.  Her mother was in the next room and she probably heard Cindy crying, but she didn't come to Cindy's room to try to soothe her.  Instead, Cindy was left on her own to cry it out.

After Cindy and her psychotherapist completed the preparation phase EMDR therapy to work on this memory, as part of the EMDR protocol, Cindy's psychotherapist asked Cindy, "What's the negative belief you have about yourself?" in relation to this memory.

Cindy responded, "I'm unlovable" (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This was the first time that Cindy connected her feelings of being unlovable to how she was treated by her parents when she was a child.  Now, it made sense to her why she would feel this way about herself.

Cindy and her therapist continued to work on her feelings of being unlovable using EMDR therapy.  Many other similar memories came up as well as a deep sense of shame for feeling that she wasn't a lovable child.

How EMDR Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Developmental Trauma

After several months, Cindy and her therapist completed the EMDR therapy, and Cindy no longer felt unlovable.  Her self esteem improved so that she felt more confident when she went out on dates.  She also felt that she was a lovable person and she deserved to be loved.   At work, she was more assertive about making suggestions, and her manager recognized her work by promoting her.

Conclusion
Many people who experienced developmental trauma as children don't connect their poor sense of self and negative beliefs about themselves to their unresolved trauma.

EMDR therapy explores these feelings and beliefs directly so that clients can begin to make the connection and, eventually, work through them.

There is no quick fix for overcoming unresolved trauma.  Even though EMDR therapy tends to be more effective and tends to work faster than regular talk therapy, each person processes trauma in his or her individual way and in his or her own time.

Getting Help in Therapy
A negative belief or self perception is often linked to unresolved trauma.

If you have been struggling with feelings of low self worth, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping clients overcome traumatic experiences (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you can work with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome your history of trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

As a trauma-informed psychotherapist, I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome their traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my last article about self abandonment I defined self abandonment and the circumstances where this dynamic occurs.  In this article, I give a fictional clinical vignette to further illustrate these dynamics.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

As I mentioned in my prior article, some of the ways that self abandonment can take place include the following

• A pattern of ignoring your well-being to focus on others

• Placing your well-being in the hands of others and depending upon them for your happiness

• Judging yourself harshly for making these choices

A Fictional Clinical Vignette About Self Abandonment
The following vignette is a composite of many different stories with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Nina
Nina started psychotherapy in an emotional crisis.

Her three year relationship with Mike ended a month prior to her starting therapy when Mike told her that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

He denied that he was interested in anyone else. He said he felt pressured by Nina to take the next step in their relationship and he wasn't ready to do that.  He said he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready with her or anyone else.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

Nina felt devastated when Mike broke up with her.  At 35, she had hoped that they would eventually get married and have children.  Now she wondered if she would ever be married and have a family.

After the breakup, Nina couldn't sleep, she couldn't concentrate at work, and she often cried throughout the day.

All she could think about was Mike and how much she wanted him back.  She tried to reach Mike by phone, text and email to try to reconcile their relationship.  But after he broke up with her, he refused to respond.

Nina felt she couldn't talk to anyone about the breakup because, after they met Mike a few times, her friends warned her that Mike would hurt her.

They thought he was narcissistic, and they disliked that he was openly critical of Nina in front of them.

See my articles: 

Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Significant Other That You Don't See?

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Her friends also thought he was immature and irresponsible when he told them that he wasn't showing up for work because his boss didn't give him the praise he felt he deserved.  His attitude resulted in his losing one job after another.

Nina defended him to her friends by telling them that they didn't understand him.  She said she saw a side of Mike that no one else saw and she thought they were being harsh.

After listening to Nina complain to them and then defend him many times, her friends were tired of it.  They told her that it would be better for her not to talk about it with them anymore.

Before the breakup, Nina continued to see her friends, but she stopped talking about her relationship with Mike and, at her friends' request, she no longer included Mike in their get-togethers because they didn't like him.

Now, Nina felt alone and miserable.  She couldn't believe this was happening to her, and she didn't understand why Mike broke up with her.

It was true, she said, she suggested that they move in together.  But she didn't expect Mike to have such a strong reaction to their conversation, "It's not like I gave him an ultimatum."

Nina's psychotherapist focused on helping Nina to get through this difficult time (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

She taught Nina how to develop a wind down routine before going to bed so she could sleep better.  She also taught her how to do a relaxing meditation, a breathing exercise, and recommended that Nina keep a journal to express her feelings.

Once Nina was more on an even keel emotionally, Nina and her therapist explored the dynamics in her relationship with Mike with an emphasis on Nina's self defeating behavior.

Her psychotherapist explained the concept of self abandonment to Nina and tried to help Nina to develop insight into her own behavior.  But, initially, every time that her psychotherapist talked to Nina about how she didn't take care of herself, Nina would try to talk about Mike and what he said and did.

In a gentle, tactful way, Nina's therapist kept bringing the focus back to Nina and pointing out how Nina kept avoiding looking at her own behavior because she was so focused on Mike (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

Nina wasn't accustomed to focusing on herself.  At first, she felt like she was being selfish and self centered (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

But, over time, Nina began to understand how focusing on Mike was a way to avoid looking at herself and that she wouldn't develop insight into what happened until she was able to look at her own dynamics in the relationship (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Gradually, as the therapy progressed, Nina realized that in her relationship with Mike and in her prior relationships, not only did she focus on her boyfriend, she abandoned her own needs and gave away her personal power.

See my articles:  

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power?

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Over time, Nina also realized that she wanted so much to be in a relationship that she avoided the warning signs that were there all along and that her friends could see more objectively (see my article: Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?).

Nina and her therapist were able to trace back these ingrained dynamics to Nina's family history.  As the oldest, Nina became a parentified child to a single mother who turned to Nina for mothering from the time Nina was a young child.  She also expected Nina to take care of her younger siblings.

Nina worked through the trauma of her emotional neglect as a child.

Se my articles: 

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?

She also talked to her friends about the breakup and what she was learning about herself in therapy.

When she began dating again, she didn't allow her fears to get in the way of being more discerning when she met men (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Although it was difficult for her, Nina also learned to like herself more and to take better care of herself.

Conclusion
Self abandonment can occur in many different ways.  It often involves codependency in relationships, as illustrated in the fictional vignette above.

Psychotherapy can help people who engage in this self destructive dynamic to develop insight, learn how to take better care of themselves, and change this self defeating pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self abandonment usually involves unconscious behavior that has its roots in early childhood.

It's very difficult to change this self defeating behavior on your own, even when you're aware of  it, because the early roots of this behavior usually remain out of awareness.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can develop insight into your behavior and change your pattern of relating to yourself and others (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy to change (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

By taking care of yourself and choosing healthier relationships, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.