How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Privacy versus Secrecy in a Relationship

Knowing the difference between privacy and secrecy is essential, especially if you're in a relationship.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Although sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself is important for having a strong emotional connection in your relationship, everyone is entitled to privacy, so knowing the difference between privacy and secrecy is important.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

Here are brief descriptions of privacy vs secrecy so you can compare the two lists to see the difference:

Privacy

Privacy in a relationship refers to having healthy personal boundaries including (but not limited to):

• Thoughts

• Fantasies, including sexual fantasies

• Dreams

• Opinions

• Having private time alone

• Experiences which are separate from your relationship--as long as it doesn't involve withholding information which would be harmful to your relationship (then, this would be secrecy and not privacy)

Secrecy

Secrecy in a relationship involves something unhealthy that you're intentionally hiding from your partner including (but not limited to):

• Cheating on your partner

• Financial infidelity: Hiding financial information or being dishonest about money that belongs to you and your partner

• Being dishonest or purposely misleading your partner/obfuscating

• Violating your partner's trust

• Other things that would be hurtful to your partner and disruptive to the relationship

Clinical Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites with all identifying information removed, illustrate how couples can get in trouble with regard to privacy vs secrecy:

• Julie and Tom - Issue: Privacy: Julie and Tom, who were both in their late 20s, had been in an exclusive relationship for six months. Both of them had only ever been in one prior committed relationship before their relationship together. Julie insisted she wanted to know if Tom had sexual fantasies about other women, but Tom felt Julie was crossing a personal boundary by asking him about his private thoughts. He assured her that he didn't want to be with anyone else and he would never cheat on her, but Julie continued to insist he tell her if he ever had sexual thoughts about other women. After numerous arguments, Tom broke up with Julie because he felt she was being too intrusive and controlling, and she wasn't respecting his personal boundaries.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

• Bill and Ellen - Issue: Secrecy: After five years of marriage, Ellen discovered that Bill had withdrawn over $5,000 from their joint bank account without telling her. When Bill was confronted by Ellen, he told her that he used the money to pay off credit card debt on a card that was under his name before they got married. He said he didn't think he needed to tell her because he planned to put the money back in the account when he got paid later that week. But Ellen felt betrayed by Bill's secrecy and she told him she would find it difficult to trust him after this. She insisted they go to couples therapy to work through this betrayal. Although he didn't see what he did as a betrayal nor did he see the necessity of going to couples therapy, he agreed because he didn't want to lose his marriage. While in couples therapy, Bill learned the difference between privacy and secrecy, and Ellen and Bill worked to repair their relationship.

• Maggie and Pete - Issue: Secrecy: When Pete's best friend told him that he had seen Pete's wife, Maggie, holding hands while coming out of a hotel with an unknown man, Pete was crushed. At first, Maggie denied the affair, but after Pete asked to see her phone, she refused to show it to him. But she eventually admitted the next day that she had been having an affair for the last six months. She also admitted to two other sexual affairs starting four months after they got married. She apologized profusely and told Pete she never meant to hurt him, but Pete wasn't ready to accept her apology.  He moved out of their New York City apartment for three weeks to think over what he wanted to do. Although he didn't know if he could ever trust Maggie again, he agreed to attend couples therapy to try to repair their relationship.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

• John and Bill - Issue: Privacy: Prior to moving in together, John and Bill had a long talk about their two year relationship. John told Bill that he needed some time to himself each day--even if it was just for an hour. Bill agreed, but after they moved in together, he got annoyed whenever John wanted to meditate in their bedroom for 30 minutes each morning. Even though they spent a lot of time together during the week and on the weekends, Bill felt ignored by John when John wanted this time to himself. When they were unable to work this out on their own, they attended couples therapy to learn to negotiate privacy versus secrecy. Bill discovered that since he was never allowed to have any privacy as a child, he didn't really understand privacy, but he was willing to work this out in therapy with John (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Spending Time Together).

In the next article, I'll discuss how to share a secret with your partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are having problems concerning issues related to privacy and secrecy, seek help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can work with an objective couples therapist who can help you to work through these issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

What is Pegging?

Pegging has become a much talked about topic in recent years, but not everyone understands what the term means, so pegging is the focus of this article.

What is Pegging?

Pegging usually refers to a woman wearing a strap on dildo and penetrating a man's anus.

Pegging: A Consensual Act Between a Man and a Woman

Some people believe that pegging violates traditional gender norms because the woman is penetrating the man instead of the man penetrating the woman. However, as long as pegging occurs between consenting adults, there's nothing wrong with it.  

Since pegging goes against the traditional sex script, aside from physical pleasure, pegging can also be experienced as psychologically pleasurable because it breaks social norms (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules By Violating Prohibitions).

Why Do Men Experience Sexual Pleasure During Pegging?

Pegging massages the prostate, which is a walnut sized gland located between a man's penis and recturm. Since the prostate is an erogenous zone, when a dildo massages the prostate, it can be highly pleasurable for men who enjoy pegging.

Why Do Women Experience Sexual Pleasure Pegging a Man?

When a woman straps on a dildo to peg a man, she experiences sexual pleasure because the dildo rubs against her clitoris.

In addition, many women experience psychological pleasure being in the dominant sexual position.

How Do You Get Started With Pegging?

• Talk to Your Partner Beforehand: While many people enjoy pegging, it doesn't appeal to everyone, so make sure you and your partner talk about it before you attempt it.  Just like any other sexual act, you want to make sure you and your partner are both giving enthusiastic consent before you try anything new. If one of you isn't into it, you don't have to do it, but be respectful of each other (see my article: Don't Yuck Your Partner's Yum).  Also, be aware that you and your partner might need to have more than one talk about it before you actually try it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Talk to Your Partner About Pegging Beforehand

• Keep an Open Mind and Don't Get Hung Up on Sexual Stereotypes: In the past, any kind of anal play was considered "gay sex", but just because you and your partner might enjoy pegging doesn't mean that either of you are gay. Pegging isn't about sexual orientation--it's about pleasure.

• Start Small and Use a Lot of Lube: Anal tissue is very delicate, so it's a good idea to start small and use a lot of lube before you use a dildo. You can start with oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and a small finger first. Then, you can gradually work your way up to a small butt plug over time. If there is any pain, stop. You want to avoid tearing.

• Make Sure You're Clean: Before you start any anal play, make sure you wash the anus and anything that will be inserted including fingers, butt plugs and dildos. Also, make sure you cover any sex toys inserted into the anus with a condom. Then wash the toys thoroughly with soap and warm water afterwards.

• Relax Before You Start: If you're trying pegging for the first time, you both might be a little anxious. Try doing some breathing exercises beforehand. The more relaxed you both are, the better the experience is more likely to be.

Relaxing Beforehand

• Talk About It Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk about the experience afterwards, especially if it's the first time for both of you. Talk about what worked and what might not have worked--not just physically but also emotionally. If negative feelings come up, be patient and emotionally supportive of one another.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Romantic Relationships

Adults who were parentified children often have problems in adult romantic relationships due to the childhood trauma of having to act as a parent to one or both of their parents (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Adult Relationships).

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Relationships

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when parents use their children for emotional or practical support instead of providing support to the children.  As a result, the children, who aren't psychologically or emotionally equipped to do this, become their parents' caregivers (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Parentification is a form of emotional neglect because the child doesn't get what s/he needs from their parents and, instead, must try to extend themselves beyond their developmental abilities to take care of their parents.

Instrumental Parentification and Emotional Parentification

There are two types of parentification:  

Instrumental Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing practical care which is beyond their emotional and psychological capabilities.  

This could involve:

• Taking care of the parents, siblings or other relatives because the parents are unable or unwilling to do it, including taking responsibility for relatives who are physically or mentally disabled or who have a mental illness

• Assuming household responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing the laundry and other similar responsibilities

Instrumental Parentification

• Paying household bills

• Serving as a translator for parents who are unable to speak the primary language of the country where the family resides

• Other practical tasks that are usually handled by adults

Emotional Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing emotional support to parents. 

This could involve:

• Listening to parents talk about their problems, which is beyond the child's capabilities

Emotional Parentification

• Providing parents with advice relating to the parents' problems

• Serving as a confidante to the parents

• Taking on the adult role as a mediator between the parents or other adults

• Providing emotional support to the parents

The Trauma of Parentification

When children take on their parents' emotional and/or practical responsibilities on an ongoing basis, this is a form of relational trauma because there is a role reversal between children and parents.  

Also, as previously mentioned, if the child's emotional and practical needs aren't being met, this is a form of neglect.

Parentification can result in a variety of mental health issues including:

• Problems with trust
• Anger management issues
• Problems with emotional regulation
• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance misuse
• Gambling
• Eating disorders
• Problems forming or maintaining adult relationships, especially romantic relationships

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the traumatic effects of parentification and how trauma therapy can help:

Jim

By the time Jim was 10 years old, he had taken over many of his parents' responsibilities in the household because his father, who was an active alcoholic and unemployed, would disappear for weeks, and his mother tried to support the family by working three jobs.

As the oldest child, Jim did the laundry, cleaned the house, helped his siblings with their homework, put them to sleep, dressed them in the morning and made sure they ate breakfast, among other things.

He was so tired that he often fell asleep in class. When his teacher tried to talk to his mother about it over the phone, she discovered that Jim's mother wasn't receptive to hearing about it. 

She told the teacher, "If Jim didn't take care of the younger kids and do the household chores, everything would fall apart. I don't have anyone else to help out and we can't afford to hire a housekeeper, so that's just the way it is." Then Jim's mother hung up.

When Jim's mother was at home, she often complained and cried about how awful her life turned out and how she hated being married to an alcoholic.  Jim would listen patiently and try to be supportive, but he didn't know what to say.

Then, she would shower him to praise and tell him, "You're so good. You're my little man," which made Jim feel good.

But when his father was home, Jim noticed that, despite her complaints to him in private, his mother would go out of her way to appease and cater to the father.  This confused and angered Jim. He couldn't understand why his mother didn't hold the father accountable.  

What was even more confusing to him was that her attitude towards him was very different when his father wasn't home. She doted so much on his father that it was as if Jim and his siblings didn't exist. Instead of confiding in Jim and praising him, his mother would often go along with his father in being critical of him, which hurt Jim's feelings.  

Sometimes Jim felt like he had two mothers--the one who was kind and praiseful towards him when his father wasn't home and the other one who ignored him and joined in his father's criticism of him when his father was home.

Despite this, Jim remained loyal to his mother and disdainful towards his father.  When it was time for him to go to college, Jim chose a school close to home so he could live at home and be close to his mother to help out.

By then, his father had quit drinking because he was having health problems and his doctor warned him that if he didn't stop drinking, he would die.  So, things were a little more stable at home and his father got a job as a janitor.

Throughout high school and college, Jim didn't date. He had a few male friends, but he felt shy and self conscious around girls.  Sometimes his friends teased him about being "a mama's boy," but he didn't care because he knew his mother still needed him at home.

After he graduated college and he started a new job, he met a woman at his organization who was from a different department. Jane was friendly and outgoing and she asked Jim to go to lunch.  Soon after that, they began dating.

Problems arose in their relationship a few months after they started dating whenever Jim cancelled their plans when he felt his mother needed him.  These cancellations never involved emergencies, but Jim treated these incidents as if they were emergencies,which angered Jane. So, Jane gave him an ultimatum to either attend therapy or she would leave him.

Jim began therapy to deal with feeling triangulated between his mother and his girlfriend.  This is how he learned about parentification and how it affected him in his relationship with Jane as well as his reluctance, before dating Jane, to date at all.

Trauma Therapy

As part of trauma therapy, Jim did EMDR therapy to help him to work through his history of trauma and the impact it had on his romantic relationship.

The work in trauma therapy was neither easy or quick but, over time, Jim began to heal from his childhood trauma. He was also able to differentiate himself psychologically from his mother so he could thrive as an individual and in his relationship.

Conclusion

Adults who were parentified often have a difficult time in adult romantic relationships.

The good news is that the trauma of parentification can be worked through in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with a history of parentification, you're not alone.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through trauma.

So, instead of struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more abou tme, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationship Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

This is the third in a series of articles about developing self awareness as a relationship skill 

See my articles: 

Relationship Skills: What is Self Awareness?

Why is Self Awareness Important to You as an Individual and in Your Relationship?  

In this article, I'm focusing on how to develop these skills.

Developing Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

How to Develop Self Awareness Skills

There are many ways to develop self awareness skills.  Here are some tips:

• Get Curious About Yourself: Becoming curious about yourself is the first step in developing self aware.  This is the best way to get ready to explore your inner world and to become more psychologically aware.  By getting curious, you're also opening up to self discovery.

• Allow Yourself to Open Up to New Experiences: Whether the new experiences include taking an improv class or traveling to a country where you've never gone before, allowing yourself to try something new and interesting can provide you with the kind of experience where you learn about yourself.  You can share these experiences with your partner or you can experience them on your own (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Open Up to New Experiences

• Write in a Journal: People who journal on a regular basis are able to reflect on and learn about their thoughts, emotions and behavior.  Taking the time to write in a journal can help you to develop insight into yourself.  Journaling is having an inner dialogue with yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Journaling).

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment is a good way to develop self awareness.  When you quiet your mind and just allow thoughts and emotions to flow, you're able to enter into your inner world.  If you find yourself distracted, you can just observe the distracting thoughts and then let them go (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation and The Benefits of Meditation).

• Attend Psychotherapy:  One of the best ways to get to know yourself is by attending therapy--whether it's individual therapy or couples therapy.  You'll learn about yourself in ways that no other process provides.  Experiential therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is the most effective type of therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Using Your Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

Talking to your partner and sharing your thoughts and emotions with each other can increase emotional intimacy between you.  When I say talking, I'm referring to face-to-face talking--not texting, which is not intimate at all and often leads to misunderstandings.

Share Your Thoughts and Feelings With Your Partner

Although it can be frightening, especially if you're sharing more vulnerable emotions, you can strengthen the bonds between you and your partner by allowing your partner to experience you on a deeper level (see my article: Vulnerability as a Strength in a Relationship).

Sharing yourselves builds trust and strengthens your relationship in a meaningful way. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapists who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love With Charisma Instead of Character

An attraction between two people is made of many different aspects, most of which are unconscious (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).  You can be drawn initially to someone's looks, personality, and intelligence.  You might also be bowled over by his or her charisma.  But, beyond charisma, it takes a while to really see who a person is in terms of his or her character and, in the long run, character is much more important than charm (see my article: Are You Ignoring Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?)

Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

What Does It Mean to Have a Good Character?
Having a good character includes, among other things:

• Integrity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Empathy
• Loyalty
• Good judgment
• Strong Values

How Do People Build Character
Character building usually takes place from an early age when parents teach children morals like "following the Golden Rule" (treating others the way you want to be treated), having a sense of empathy for others, having integrity and being honest.

Character Building Usually Starts at an Early Age

These lessons, which start at a young age, continue on for a lifetime because character building is a lifelong process.

How Do You Assess a Romantic Partner's Character?
As I mentioned before, it takes time.  You need to see this person in many different situations to see how s/he behaves.  As with anything, actions speak louder than words (see my article: Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again).

Everyone looks good in candlelight.  And when life is going well, you don't necessarily get to see someone's true character.

But when there's a challenging situation in your life or in your partner's life that requires more than just intelligence or charm--that requires honest, integrity, empathy, loyalty or having a sense of values--you're more likely to see if your partner behaves in a way that shows good character.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario which illustrates these points:

Ina
Ina met John at her friend's party and she was drawn to him immediately.  He was the handsomest, funniest, most charming man in the room.  Everyone was drawn to him, men and women.

Once they started talking, Ina and John only had eyes for each other.  Within a week, they began dating and spending a lot of time together.

Ina was impressed with how knowledgeable John was about so many interesting topics:  art, movies, languages, real estate, and cooking.

Relationships:  Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

He always complimented her on how she looked and what she wore.  He was attentive to her, and he seemed to hang onto her every word.

He seemed to be the perfect gentleman, and so different from many of the men that she dated before.

Their sex life was exciting and passionate, and Ina felt adventurous in a way she never felt before.

They had many of same interests, including music, art, and a love of dancing.

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

When Ina introduced him to her close friends, her friends liked him instantly, and found him to be very engaging and charming.  She felt so happy to be with John and that he fit in with her friends.

After several months, Ina had fantasies of spending the rest of her life with John.

Then, about six months later while Ina and John were on vacation, she overheard him having a conversation with a friend about his real estate business.

She was stunned to hear him laugh and say, "Those old geezers who are selling that apartment don't even know what it's worth.  They're selling it way below market rate and they're too stupid to know it."

At first, Ina was so stunned that she couldn't believe what she had heard.  So, when he got off the phone, she asked him about it, and he tried to brush it off and tell her not to worry about it--he was just chatting with a friend.

But Ina grew up learning to respect others, especially the elderly, and she told him that she was surprised at what he said.  She told him that it sounded like he was doing something that was unethical and he was knowingly taking advantage of these older people and enjoying it.

John got defensive and told her he didn't want to talk about it, but when Ina persisted, he exploded, "How do you think I make money?  I make money by investing in properties and then flipping them.  I don't make money by worrying if I'm 'taking advantage of people.'  If you don't understand that, then you're very naive.  Everyone has to look out for himself, and that's what I'm doing--I'm looking out for Number One--me.  There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing."

They argued about this back and forth with John giving her many other examples where he made "good deals" because people didn't understand the value of their property.  This even included family members.

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

As Ina looked at John and listened to him talk, she felt she was no longer looking at the man that she fell in love with several months ago.  He no longer seemed good looking and charming to her.  He just looked ugly to her inside and out.

She knew it was over between them, and she left feeling broken hearted and betrayed.  She thought to herself, "How could I have been fooled by someone who turned out to be so self absorbed, dishonest, uncaring and unethical?"

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

A few weeks later, Ina began therapy to understand how she had been so misled by someone who seemed so wonderful at first.

One of the things that she learned in therapy was that it takes a while to really get to know someone.  She learned that she would need to see someone in good times and bad to really understand what that person is made of and if he is someone with whom she would want to make a long term commitment

Conclusion:
People are often attracted to good looks, charm or affluence.  But those are superficial qualities and they're not good predictors of happiness in a relationship.

It takes time to really get to know someone, and you usually get to truly know someone when either you or they are going through a challenging time.

While everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, you can often discern someone's integrity and values when s/he is faced with a moral dilemma or a situation that requires ethical behavior.

Does this person behave with honesty and integrity?  Does s/he have empathy for others?

The two of you might not agree about how to proceed in a particular situation, but if you discover that your partner tends to behave in ways that are selfish, uncaring and dishonest, you would do well to question whether this is someone you want to commit to in a long term relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've had a bad experience in a relationship because you were initially taken in by a charismatic person who turned out to be someone very different from the person you thought he or she was, this can be very confusing and you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you through it (see my article:  Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Rather than feeling ashamed or guilty about having been taken in by this person, seek help to understand yourself in this situation and to learn to avoid this mistake in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.