How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

In my prior article, Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex, I focused on elevated erotic feelings, core erotic feelings, peak erotic experiences, erotic themes, emotional aphrodisiacs, sexual fantasies and how these emotions and fantasies can enhance your sex life (see my article: Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?)

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

Guilt and shame are often major stumbling blocks to exploring sexual fantasies, especially fantasies that don't match everyday values and beliefs (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When I work with clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice about these issues, I help them to realize and accept that sexual fantasies have unconscious elements to them and that there's a difference between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to do.

It's also true that many other people do find it exciting to experiment with their fantasies either during solo sex or during partnered sex where the behavior is mutually consensual.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Everyday Values and Beliefs

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies.  He discovered that it's common for sexual fantasies to be completely different from people's everyday beliefs and values (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Dr. Michael Bader, a sex therapist who wrote the book, Arousal, gives many case examples from his clinical practice where sexual fantasies are different from people's beliefs.  He also discusses the unconscious elements in sexual fantasies which stem from clients' personal histories (see my article: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

For many people, transgressive sexual fantasies, which are completely opposed to their beliefs and values, are often the most exciting fantasies.

Examples of Sexual Fantasies That Don't Match Values and Beliefs

Let's explore this further with examples below which are fictionalized versions of common sex therapy cases:

Vera

Vera spent her life advocating for women's rights and non-violence.  These issues were very important to her, so she felt confused, guilty and ashamed that her sexual fantasies included being dominated and humiliated during sex.  Although she found these fantasies exciting, she wasn't interested in actually being overpowered or humiliated by her lover.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

When she attended sex therapy to deal with her inner conflict between her beliefs and her sexual fantasies, she learned that it's common for there to be a mismatch between beliefs and fantasies.  She also learned that it's common for people to have sexual fantasies that they never want to enact in real life.  She and her sex therapist also explored the unconscious elements of her fantasies and she realized how her fantasies were related to her personal history.  Over time, she was able to enjoy her fantasies without being worried, guilty or ashamed.  

Peter

Being kind to others was important to Peter.  His friends and loved ones often commented on his kindness and compassion.  But Peter experienced an inner conflict about himself because he had sexual fantasies about dominance and humiliation.  He couldn't understand how his sexual fantasies could be so out of synch with his firmly held beliefs.  He wondered if these fantasies meant he was really an awful person.  

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

With much guilt and shame, Peter confided in his wife.  After he told her about his fantasies, he was surprised by her reaction.  She told him that, based on her readings about sexual fantasies, she knew that these fantasies were common and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.  She also told him she always thought of him as being a kind person and his fantasies didn't change her view of him.  Even more surprising to Peter, his wife said his fantasies got her sexually aroused.  She suggested they do a sexual role play about them just for fun.  This idea excited Peter so they experimented with elements of light BDSM: Bondage Discipline (Dominance), Sadism (Submission) and Masochism.  This really spiced up their sex life and Peter no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Benefits of Sexual Role Play and The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

Jane

Jane considered herself to be devoutly religious, but when she watched the movie, "Fifty Shades of Gray," she felt surprised that she felt sexually aroused.  She also felt guilty and ashamed about being aroused, especially when she imagined herself to be in the role of the woman in the movie.  With a great deal of hesitation, she confided in her close friend, Carol, who attended the same church.  As she told Carol about her thoughts, Jane couldn't even look Carol in the eyes because she felt so ashamed.  

Confiding in a Supportive Friend

But when she looked up, she saw that Carol was smiling.  She told Jane, "I felt the same way when I watched it!  Isn't it great?" At first, Jane wasn't sure how to respond, but she was relieved to know that she wasn't the only one with strong religious beliefs who was turned on by this movie.  After a while, Jane got curious about whether other people might feel the same way, so she read books written by sex therapists and researchers and she discovered that her experience was common.  This was a great relief to Jane.  Although she would never tell her pastor about it, over time, Jane began to enjoy the transgressive nature of her fantasies, and she no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Ed

Ed advocated for women's rights through his volunteer work. This work was very important to him.  But when he was at home alone, he often enjoyed watching pornography, which he felt guilty and ashamed about afterwards.  He couldn't understand how his beliefs and values about the importance of women's rights was so different from what got him sexually turned on when he watched porn.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

He felt like he was a terrible person, so he sought help in sex therapy to understand these contradictory feelings.  His sex therapist helped him to connect his sexual fantasies to unconscious feelings related to his personal history.  Over time, Ed was relieved of his guilt and shame.  His therapist also told him that if he preferred to watch porn that wasn't degrading to women, he could watch ethical pornography, which was produced and distributed by women.  Ed tried watching ethical porn and he discovered that he enjoyed it much more (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Sexual Fantasies in Sex Therapy

Whether you enact your fantasies or not, sexual fantasies can enhance your sexual experiences during solo sex or during partnered sex--as long as whatever you do is with an adult who consenting enthusiastically.

Many people know on an intellectual level that they can fantasize about whatever they want and there's nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level they feel guilt and shame.

If you struggle with shame and guilt about your sexual fantasies, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.