BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner?

In a prior article, I explored the differences between a fetish and a kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

Many people are curious about exploring fetishes, but they don't know how to do it or where to start, I'll explore some possibilities about how to start exploring fetishes with your partner in a non-intimidating way and what you can do if your partner isn't into your particular fetish (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

What is a Fetish?

As a recap from my prior article: A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that many people who are into a fetish often need it to get sexually aroused.  

A Common Fetish: Feet

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

See the list below.

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  This is the most common fetish.  For foot fetishes the sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on without even having the fetish.

Common Fetishes: Feet, Fishnet Stockings, High Heels and Gloves

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, like car sex, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Violating Sexual Prohibitions in Public: Car Sex

What Are Some of the Most Common Fetishes?

Just about anything can be eroticized, especially during or around puberty.  Depending upon a person's experience, an object or body part can become sexually charged which can lead to it becoming a fetish.  

Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet - Also known as podophilia is the most common fetish
• Hair
• Navel
• Ears
• Body piercings
• Tattoos
• Latex
• Leather
• Silk
• Vinyl
• Gloves
• Stockings/hosiery
• Shoes
• Boots
• Underwear
• Adult diapers
• Balloons
• Sneezing
• Tickling
• Smell - Including rose petals, gasoline, matches
• Food - Including ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and so on
• Sex in public (e.g., car sex on a dark street or sex in a park)
• Cuckolding
  
• Threesomes
  
• Power and Submission
  

How to Explore a Fetish With Your Partner

At one time, fetishes were considered psychologically unhealthy. However, fetishes are no longer considered unhealthy unless they are a significant interference in your life (e.g., causing problems for you at work because you're so fixated on your fetish that you're not doing your work because you're watch porn at work).  

Talking to a partner about a fetish you would like to incorporate in your sex life together can be anxiety provoking if you don't know how your partner will react or you anticipate your partner won't react well. So, it might be helpful to do the following:

• Go Slowly, Communicate and Be Patient: If you're not comfortable talking to your partner about your fetish because you're not sure how they would respond, you can start by talking about a sexual fantasy involving your fetish to see how they respond.  If your partner is inexperienced with fetishes, you can explain why your particular fetish turns you on sexually and see if they're interested. Keep the discussion light and fun.

• Offer Your Partner More Information: You can provide your partner with more information about your fetish through Kink Academy which has articles and videos about fetishes and kinks.  You can also provide your partner with any one of the many books that are written about fetishes depending upon your particular fetish.  There are also many podcasts that explore relationships and fetishes, including the Sexology podcast with Dr. Moali.  In particular, she hosted an episode specifically about fetishes.

• Consider Starting With a Role Play: Assuming your partner enthusiastically consents to exploring your fetish or is, at least, curious, you could start with a role play where you each become different characters (even if all you do is change your names).  By getting creative and using your imagination, doing a role play can feel safer and easier because you're both pretending to be someone else instead of being yourselves. Remember that it might not go so smoothly if this is the first time you're trying it, so be patient.

• Have a Safe Word: Be prepared that either you or your partner can stop what. you're doing at any point once the safe word has been used.

A Role Play With Leather Fetish

• Talk About It Afterwards: Talk about what you both liked, what you might not have liked, and what each of you might want to do differently if you try it again another time (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings: If your partner enjoys the fetish as much as you do, that's great. But if your partner isn't into it, be respectful of your partner's feelings and choice because fetishes are particular to each person, so they might not like what you like.

• Try to Be Open to Their Fetish: If your partner has a particular fetish they like or they would like to explore, try to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that anyone should do anything they're not comfortable doing. But if you're curious about it, be generous with your partner.

What If Your Partner Isn't Interested in Even Exploring Your Fetish?

Everyone has their own particular interests when it comes to sex, kink and fetishes so don't be surprised if your partner isn't open to exploring your fetish.  Hopefully, your partner is respectful enough not to be critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Talking About Fetishes With Your Partner

But if your partner isn't at all interested in incorporating your fetish into your sexual activities together, remember that all sex must be consensual. So, don't get angry with them, don't reject them or try to pressure them into it.  This will only backfire and can ruin your relationship.  

If everything else is going well in your relationship, chances are your partner's refusal to participate isn't a rejection of you--it's probably a personal choice about the fetish--not about you.  It's important not to take their refusal as a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection in Your Relationship).  This is also another reason why it's important for the two of you to talk openly about sex.

• Talk to Your Partner About the Possibility of Exploring a Fetish-Related Fantasy: If your partner is open to engaging with the fetish, find out if they would be willing to talk about the fetish (without actually using actually the fetish) in terms of a fantasy--one that you won't actually act out.  Talking about the fantasy might be enough of a sexual turn-on for you.  

• Explore Your Fetish on Your Own By Yourself: If your partner isn't interested in your fetish, you might be able explore it by yourself without your partner--depending upon what it is.  For instance, if you like the feel and smell of leather, you can find many ways to enjoy wearing leather, including wearing leather gloves, a leather jacket, leather pants, and so on. You can also use your imagination to fantasize about an attractive person who is wearing leather in whatever situation you find sexually appealing in a fantasy.

• Explore Your Fetish Through a Community: Before you find a kink and fetish community that appeals to you, talk to your partner first. Some people, who aren't into particular fetishes or kinks, are comfortable with consenting for their partner to explore their fetish with others. But some partners definitely are not. It's important for you to be completely honest and transparent with your partner in an open discussion about what you might want to do with others and get their approval or you can ruin your relationship.  If your partner has no problems with your finding a fetish/kink community, you can find either online or in-person alternatives.

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different sexual interests.  If you and your partner can't agree about what to do about your particular fetish and it's having a negative impact on your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons.  Make sure that when you call a sex therapist for a consultation who works with the topics of kinks and fetishes (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is familiar with your issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City sex positive psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Exploring Different Aspects of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

I began a discussion about sexual role play in a prior article, What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?.  

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Role Play

In the current article I'm focusing on one of the benefits of role play, which is exploring the many different aspects of yourself and how this exploration can free you and your partner to talk about your sexual fantasies and, possibly, act out some of these fantasies (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself Who Make You Who You Are).

(As a reminder:  This article and other similar articles about sex is not meant as clinical advice.)

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

• Think About Your Sexual Fantasies and Write Them Down on Your Own: This is something that each of you can do on your own privately. If you feel unsure about your fantasies, reframe it for yourself by thinking about what you might be sexually curious about.  Writing them down in an erotic journal helps you to get clear about what you're curious about. Thinking in terms of sexual curiosity instead of labeling your thoughts as fantasies can help to open you up to this type of sexual self exploration (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Write Down Your Role Play Fantasies in Your Erotic Journal

• Think About What Aspects of Yourself You Might Want to Explore: People who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner about role play often find it easier to talk when they're thinking about themselves as someone else (instead of being oneself) like a character from a movie or a novel.  It's like being an actor who is stepping into a role in a script.  This character might be an aspect of yourself that you've never explored but that you're curious about.

• Talk About Sexual Role Play With Your Partner Before You Try It: Before you actually get into a role play, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk first.  You want to make sure that you're both on the same page and consenting to whatever you decide to do.  When you're in the talking phase, you can explore your sexual fantasies and get clear on which ones you want to explore and which ones you want to remain as only fantasies.  Just talking about fantasies can be a sexual turn-on.  Be patient if either of you feels shy.  Think of it as a process and go slow if necessary (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Choose Which Fantasies You Both Want to Role Play: If you and your partner come up with mutual fantasies that you would like to explore, make a plan as to which fantasies you want to role play and which ones you just want to talk about.  Make sure that both of you are comfortable with whatever you have mutually chosen especially if you're both new to role playing.  If either of you isn't interested, you can say so without being judgmental or critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum). You can also take turns at different times role playing what each of you would like as long as you're both somewhat interested in the other's fantasy role play.

• Keep It Simple At First: If you've never done a sexual role play, start with something simple so you can give yourself a chance to ease into it and get comfortable.  Role playing is on a spectrum. You don't need to start with elaborate costumes or sexual props. You can start with something as simple as using different names.  

• Approach Role Playing With an Attitude of Curiosity and Playfulness: Even though you might be anxious if this is your first time, remember that role playing is meant to be fun, so approach it with an attitude of curiosity and playfulness.  

Be Sexually Curious and Playful

• Be Kind With Yourself and Your Partner: If role playing is new to you, be aware that things might not go as planned, but if you're being curious, playful and kind, you can get through any awkward moments and you might even laugh about it.

• Know You Can Stop the Role Play at Any Time: In addition to allowing you to explore different aspects of yourself, sexual role play is meant to be fun and one way to expand your sexual repertoire and sex script.  But once you're into a role play, if either of you feels you don't want to do it, you can stop.  Make sure you have this agreement beforehand so neither person is taken by surprise.  

• Talk About the Role Play Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk afterwards about what each of you found fun, awkward, uncomfortable, what you might want to do again or not, and so on.

Vignette: Sexual Role Play as a Way to Explore Different Aspects of Yourself

The following vignette is one example of many as to how a couple can explore the different parts of themselves through role play:

Ida and Joe

After five years of marriage, although they had a healthy sex life, Ida and Joe were eager to explore sexual role play. 

They decided to each explore on their own what they were sexually curious about, so they took time to each think about and write down their ideas.

When Ida thought about what she might want to explore, she realized she was often uncomfortable trying new things sexually and, as she thought about it, she realized that if she played another character, she might feel more empowered to do it.  

So, she came up with a character who was a high powered woman who was sexually forward.  The more she thought about what this character would be like, the more Ida got excited about it.

When Joe thought about what he might want to explore sexually, he realized he was excited about being in a more passive role because during the day he had a lot of responsibilities for the financial well-being of his company.  He had to make important decisions and oversee key employees and the financial operation, so he would welcome a chance to allow Ida to be in charge.

So, he came up with a character who was more sexually passive than he would normally be with Ida.  He wanted her to tell him what to do for a change.  

When Ida and Joe shared their ideas, they were thrilled to discover that the characters they had chosen fit together so well.  

They worked together to come up with a scenario they could play at home where Ida comes into a bar as a successful businesswoman who is on a business trip, sees Joe sitting at the bar having a drink and she picks him up.  In this scenario, he is a somewhat shy and passive man and he's hesitant at first, but she's relentless in pursuing him and she eventually takes him back to her hotel room.

Since it was their first time doing a sexual role play, they decided to keep it simple without costumes and props.  

They were both a little uncomfortable at first, but they were mostly excited.  At first, they each stumbled a little until they got into it and then they forgot their self consciousness.  

After they had de-roled from their characters and they were resting in each other's arms, they agreed it was the most exciting sex they had experienced in a long time.  

Over the next several days, they talked about what they liked and what they wanted to change.  

Joe enjoyed being in a passive role for a change and allowing himself to be seduced. And Ida felt powerful and sexy being in the role as the woman who seduced Joe.  They also talked about what other roles they might want to explore.

Both of them agreed that doing that role play allowed them to explore different aspects of themselves.

Conclusion

Sexual role play can be fun and freeing because it provides an opportunity to use your imagination and explore different parts of yourself.  

Sometimes these aspects are different from your everyday personality.  Other times they might be aspects you didn't even realize were part of you.

If you're new to sexual role play, going slowly and taking a step-by-step approach allows you explore your sexuality in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Explorations: Substitute the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

In her excellent book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses how to make sexual communication easier and less intimidating when talking about potential sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What Are You Sexually Curious About?

According to Ms. Marin, many people become intimidated when their partner asks them about their sexual fantasies (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

I've also noticed this with individuals and couples who come to see me for sex therapy in my private practice in New York City.  

There's something about the words "sexual fantasies" that induce shame and guilt in many people. It's as if they think their partner is asking them to provide detailed full length narratives about things they want to try in bed.  As a result, they feel ashamed, their mind goes blank, and this shuts down the conversation.  

Rather than thinking of sexual fantasies as possibilities in an open ended way, they believe they should know what they like, how they like it, when they want it, and so on.  

But when people approach sex from the perspective of new possibilities, it's not necessary to know every detail because it's an open-ended exploration.

According to Ms. Marin, a better way to approach talking about fantasies is asking, "What are you sexually curious about?" because this helps to open up the conversation to sexual possibilities and it's less intimidating for many people than using the word "fantasies."

For example, being sexually curious, it's enough to just be able to say something like, "I've always been curious about trying the reverse cowgirl sexual position" (or something else) without knowing how to do it or if you'll even like it before you try it. 

Becoming curious and open sexually, as opposed thinking you have to know everything in advance, also makes sexual exploration much less shame inducing and even fun and exciting.

In addition, be aware that some people are much more aware of their sexual thoughts than others.  

Specifically, people who experience spontaneous sexual desire are more likely to be aware of their sexual fantasies. Other people who experience responsive sexual desire might not even be aware of any sexual thoughts or fantasies at all.

This is because people with spontaneous desire experience sexual desire mentally first (sexual thoughts) and then physically.  

And people with responsive sexual desire often experience no horniness until they get physical.  So, people with responsive desire experience sexual thoughts or fantasies after they after they get physical. So, for responsive desire people, physical desire precedes sexual thoughts.

This is why if you ask someone who has responsive desire to tell you about their sexual fantasies before they're physical engaged in sex, they can draw a blank.

A Clinical Vignette - Sexual Explorations: Sexual Fantasy vs Sexual Curiosity

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different clinical cases to protect confidentiality.  This scenario illustrates the difference between asking about fantasies vs approaching fantasies from a perspective of sexual curiosity. It also illustrates the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Sara and Jim

After five years of marriage, Sara and Jim, both in their early 40s, sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer having sex.

Sara and Jim in Sex Therapy

They told their sex therapist that in the prior year, they had sex four times with large gaps of time in between.  In sex therapy, couples who have sex less than 10 times a year are considered no sex couples.  

Both agreed they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they first met and they had sex several times a week back then.  But two years into their relationship after they moved in together, sex became dull and, as a result, they sought each other out sexually much less often.

Although both of them were concerned about their waning sex life, they hoped that, somehow, it would improve after they got married.  

But, over time, things got worse. Instead of improving, they got into a deeper sexual rut and they both admitted to their sex therapist that they didn't look forward to sex anymore because sex had become boring.  In fact, they mostly avoided sex because they didn't know what to do to improve things.

Jim said he tried to spice things up a few years before by asking Sara about her sexual fantasies.  He told the therapist that he was prepared to talk about his rich sexual fantasy life, but they reached a dead end in the conversation when Sara drew a blank.  She told Jim she wasn't aware of ever having any sexual fantasies.  

Sara told the sex therapist she remembered the day Jim asked her about her sexual fantasies and how awkward, ashamed and guilty she felt.  

She said talking about sex was always difficult for her--much more difficult than actually having sex.  So, she just didn't know how to respond when Jim asked her out of the blue about sexual fantasies. She found the whole topic humiliating because it made her feel sexually inadequate.

After a few sessions where the sex therapist assessed each of their family and sexual histories, she explained to them that Jim experienced spontaneous desire where he had frequent thoughts about sex which led to physical sexual arousal for him.  So, she said, it made sense that he would be more aware of his fantasies.

She also explained that Sara experienced responsive desire so Sara wouldn't have been as aware of her fantasies because she needed to be already engaged in sexual activity before she had sexual thoughts.

The sex therapist explained that both spontaneous and responsive desire are normal and neither one is better than the other.  It was more a matter of understanding the differences between them so they could begin to navigate their way to a better sex life (see my article: Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

She also explained that part of the problem might be with the words "sexual fantasies," which can be intimidating to some people. In response, Sara said she did feel intimidated by those words.  So, the sex therapist suggested they approach sexual novelty with open-ended curiosity.  

As a homework assignment, the sex therapist recommended various forms of erotica (visual and auditory) and pornography, including ethical pornography, as a way to stimulate sexual curiosity and explore new sexual possibilities.

When they returned the following week, both Jim and Sara were eager to talk.  Sara said she didn't feel sexually aroused by watching porn, but she enjoyed listening to an erotic audiobook. For her, listening was better than watching, and she had never realized this before.

Sex Therapy 

Although Sara didn't feel immediately turned on, she and Jim planned a sexy romantic evening where they turned off their phones and the TV and eliminated any other distractions.  

Both of them agreed that throughout the week knowing they had a sexy romantic evening planned helped to generate sexual anticipation.

After they set a more romantic context with candlelight and music in the background, Jim gave Sara a long massage to help her to relax.  Then, she was able to talk to him about what she heard in the erotic audiobook that piqued her curiosity.  

Sara was quick to tell their sex therapist that she wasn't aware of any detailed sexual fantasies, but she was curious to try sexual role play because it sounded so hot and fun (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Jim was also able to share his sexual fantasies about threesomes.  Although the fantasy was exciting for both of them, they greed they weren't ready to try this in real life yet.  

This was the beginning of Jim and Sara getting curious about what they wanted to explore in bed.   

At the suggestion of their therapist, Sara also began keeping an erotic journal to capture her thoughts about things she heard in erotica that she was curious about.  

As opposed to when Jim initially asked her about her sexual fantasies, Sara didn't feel pressured. Instead, she felt more excited and open to sexual exploration and, over time, her sexual self esteem improved.

Conclusion

When they're asked about sexual fantasies, many people feel too intimidated and pressured. They think they have to come up with full length narratives rather than just being open to talking about sexual exploration.  This is especially true for people with responsive sexual desire, who aren't aware of having sexual thoughts before they engage in sex.

A better way to approach sexual exploration for people who don't respond well to being asked about sexual fantasies is to ask them what they might be curious about.  Even if they don't know at first, there are many ways to explore possibilities through ethical porn, regular porn and other forms of erotica to stimulate ideas and desire.

There's something about the idea of getting curious that allows them to feel more comfortable because curiosity is open ended and it opens up the possibility to find out more.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having sexual problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex in sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out. more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.